04x37 - Trash Day

[bunniefuu]

So I had just left the office

and there it was, my dream
come true of a chair.

Dad, tell me it's a joke.

I mean, tell me you haven't

turned into the kind of
therapist

who shops around on
trash day, looking for stuff.

It's fun, Ben.

You wouldn't believe

some of the stuff
people throw away.

You mean like crap?

Well, you have to see
this thing...

You have to see it
on a curb, really,

to appreciate it.

I can see why.

- Let me tell you the story.
- I'm listening.

I'm putting the thing
in the car,

and about 100 yards away

is one of my patients,

who sees me moving this thing.
- Oh, really?

So how come they didn't help?

Well, first of all,
it was humiliating,

and I'm not sure... oh, you
mean picking up the chair was?

Well, I just didn't
want her to see me

bent over like that.
- Yeah.

It was not a flattering view.

It never is.

No, and rummaging
through the trash.

Yeah, I mean, I'd question

if I saw my therapist
out there doing that.

At least she didn't see you
doing all the stuff you do

that I see.

Like what? Oh, you know
what I'm talking about.

No, I don't!

I mean, going through
the trash is...

That's one of
your better qualities.

No, I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Why do you wear one sock to bed?

Why do you do that every night?

That's just
an eccentricity of mine.

Well, I think if I paid
a therapist



I wouldn't wanna see him
rummaging through the trash.

What about 130?

Maybe if I cut her
a break or something.

You can't even get this
out of the car, dad.

It's too big,
you wedged it in the back.

What I suggest is we leave
it in the car... yeah?

That's what I suggest.

Well, that's, you know...
it's like an extra seat.

You're not helping. You gotta
get it out of the car.

I know, that's why...

Here's the 20 bucks for you
to take it to the dump.

Dad, you can't
bribe... 20 bucks?

So when I was a little kid,
I had to take an IQ test.

Did you ever take an IQ
test? Uh...

And, you know, they don't
tell you how you do.

No, because they
don't wanna create a...

But I think I know how
I did, and it wasn't good,

'cause afterwards, the guy...

He goes, "Thank you very much.

Here's a yo-yo,
don't eat it!"

I'm sick of all
these dyslexia people.

"Oh, what's the matter?
Baby mixes baby letters up?

Oh, poor baby!

Explain that to the man
in the iron lung.

Oh, baby get
a headache when he reads?

Oh, what does that say?

Man or nam?
I don't know!"

Fred, you're too late.

- I missed my appointment?
- Yes.

So it's not a wasted trip...

Oh, god, can I listen
at the wall

so maybe whoever's in there now

I could learn from
their problems?

No, Fred, don't do that.

Use the intercom,
you can hear much better.

I hope I don't hear
a couple's session.

I hate when they complain.

"Oh, there's no variety
in our marriage.

We only have sex
three times a month."

I wish I had sex three
times a month.

Oh, you know, they complain.

"Oh, the passion,
the passion!"

You're there, you could talk
about a movie you just saw.

I don't have a girlfriend.

Sometimes I like
to pretend I do.

I just stand in
my apartment, screaming,

"That's not what I said,
no, I didn't say that.

Easy, easy!"

You know what drink I hate?

I don't know, Dave.

Guess, come on.

I don't...

No, eggnog, I hate eggnog.

I don't even know how they
thought that up.

"Okay, I wanna
get a little drunk,

but I also want
pancakes."

- Eggnog sucks and so do you, Dr. Katz.
- Hey!

You're like one big
bowl of eggnog.

Mmm, is it hard
for you to enjoy yourself

without the liquor?

I don't need to drink
to have a good time.

I need to drink
to stop the voice in my head,

and the voice in my head
has a stutter,

and that is very annoying.

"k*ll your p-p-p..."
what?

"k*ll your pa-p..."

write it down!

- Hey, dad?
- Ben?

I'm just driving around,

and I don't know what
to do with this thing.

I was gonna take it to the dump,

but do you know where a dump is?

I don't even think
they have 'em anymore.

They put all the stuff
on barges,

and I can't go find a barge now.

You know, the dump used to be
all the way out on I-31.

Well, you know what?

This is starting to become
a big pain in my blip-bloop.

I don't know why I thought
this would change our lives.

Well, you never know. I'm just
trying to replace your mom,

the void that she left.

Thank god we
have a family again.

Hi, I don't know
if you remember me.

I'm Lew Schneider, I'm here
to see Dr. Katz.

Mm-hm.

Oh, who do I talk to
about billing?

Because I've had
a little trouble

with my insurance company.

They've been a little bit sticky

about paying for some
of this stuff.

That would be me.

Okay, well, here's the thing.

They're saying that they're
not going to continue

to pay for this

if there's no specific
diagnosis from a doctor,

so could you make sure there's
something on my form? Uh...

I think they'll take anything,

anything concrete,
like a corn or a bunion...

Borderline personality?

Um...

You felt bad for the chair.

That's what it was, wasn't it?

I didn't feel bad for the chair.

I just... you know,
it just reminded me

of a part of my life that I've
left far, far behind.

That was the naugahyde
period, wasn't it?

Your mom and I, when we
first moved in together

and we were very poor,

we furnished an entire
apartment with trash.

You were squatters, weren't you?

No, we weren't squatters,

but we would sit on things
we found in the trash.

She was very inventive that way.

She took an ashtray

and turned it into
a convertible sofa.

I have a terrible attention
span, you know?

It's just too bad,
I'm 33 years old

and I can't
bring myself to go to

things that last longer
than an hour and a half.

Someone said,
"Oh, let's go to an opera!"

I'm not going to an opera.

A short one is
three and a half hours.

The only way I'd be interested

in something that's that long,

would be if that night
the opera was about me.

Lew, you should go to
the opera with us.

"Tonight they're doing
'Die Schneider-Maus!'"

doctor, I don't know if you
can make a referral for me...

I have a friend,
a very good friend,

who happens to be a mennonite,

and he lives among
the amish in a simple way,

but he's got some pretty complex

psychological issues.

Do you have anybody that you
can refer in that community?

A colleague of mine

has a practice in Lancaster,
Pennsylvania,

and when we're
done with the session,

I can give you a referral.

Yeah, because
this guy doesn't feel

that it's such a gift
to be simple.

It's not for everybody.

Yeah, but he has some
colored underwear

that he sneaks
under his clothes sometimes

and he's very conflicted
about it, he feels awful.

Are you sure you're
talking about him?

- Hey, can I ask you a
quick question?
- No.

Has my dad been
mumbling to himself?

- Muttering?
- Muttering?

- Twitching?
- Yeah,
twitching a little bit?

No.

Good, because if he was,
that would be crazy.

I'm just a little
worried about him

'cause he picked this
chair out of the trash

and that's just the beginning.

It starts with taking
something from the trash.

Well, Ben, you know,

there's nothing wrong
recycling perfectly...

Have you ever taken something
out of the trash, though,

and used it?

Yeah, I have.

Like what?

My retainer.

I think my parents
rushed me toward adulthood.

Why do you feel that way, Lew?

Because they
gave me an adult name.

My name is Lew.

My younger brother's
name is Sam.

Yeah.

Lew and Sam?
Those aren't kids.

Those aren't brothers,
that's a retail outlet.

It's like,
"Lew and Sam discount carpet.

How are you?
Come on in!"

Those are names
you shouldn't be able

to get from the name bureau

'til you're, like, 45 years old.

You go down there with
your kid name,

they trade it in, they
give you your adult name,

and you're all set.

I mean, there must have
been some huge mix-up.

There are probably two


standing outside
the name bureau,

saying, "We're Bobby and Timmy.

We can't get
our names!"

My wife is a teacher.

That's really weird,
to live with a teacher,

'cause your habits change...
I used to be on the phone,

kind of doodling
on a piece of paper.

I'd leave the house, I'd come
back two hours later.

That same piece of paper
is now on the refrigerator

with the words,
"Good work!"

And a big smiley face on it.

So she's supportive?

I don't know,
when you're a parent,

you give up your freedom.

I mean, you sleep according
to someone else's schedule.

You eat according
to someone else's schedule.

It's like being in jail.

But you really love the warden.

Well, your mom helps out,
she's around.

My mom has become
a little bit more idiotic

since we had the children.

The cuter something is,

the less you are able to hear
my mother speak about it.

Like, if she sees
a cocker spaniel puppy,

she says, "Lew, that puppy...
Was precious!"

I mean, one more cute kid,

and she'll just be,
like, this mute,

walking around
her house, gesturing.

I'm worried about how

physically expressive
to be with my sons.

Now, why is that, Lew?

Men have trouble with
the physical issues.

It's true... watch the way
men express physical intimacy.

We can't hug each other, doctor.

If we hug... it's weird.

We don't just hug and hold.

What we do is we hug
with one arm,

and with the other
harm we pat on the back.

That's basically saying,
"Yeah, I'm hugging you,

but I'm hitting you!"

We put on a lot of sunscreen

when we go to the beach now
for the kids,

'cause we're
always afraid of cancer.

You use the really
strong sunblocks?

It's SPF 80.

You squeeze
the tube and it's just...

A sweater comes out.

Do you have any other
tests for me?

- We can try a word association game.
- Okay, let's try that.

- Baffle.
- Oh my god.

- Stamp.
- Oh, lord.

- Mother.
- Jeez-o Pete.

- Pudding.
- Uh.

I'm not sure you
understand how it works.

I thought it was the first thing

that comes into my head.
Well, it's not...

Okay, I'll show you
the way it should work.

You say the words and
I'll respond.

Water.

Fountain.

- Car.
- Wash.

- Doctor.
- Love.

- Please.
- Help.

- Listen... to me doctor, please!
- Close.

So is it upholstered or wood?

It was upholstered.

See, that's...
I draw the line.

I never take anything that's
upholstered off the street.

Why is that?

Well, 'cause
things can hide in there.

I looked for cash,

if that's what
you're talking about.

Cash wouldn't be such
a bad thing.

But, when you think about it,

other people sit in the chair.

Maybe they don't
have any clothes on.

You just never know.

I think about that
in hotel rooms.

Do you think about that?

I think, "Listen, I can't be
the only guy

that sits naked
on the furniture."

That's a good point.

So this patient
is coming back in

in a couple of days

and I haven't seen her
since the incident,

and I'm not really
sure how to handle it.

You could call her up,

tell her you've ended your
practice and moved.

That's such
a cowardly thing to do.

I like it!

I think you're maybe
a little overly worried,

John, would it be fair
to say, Stanley?

This is a dilemma for me.

It sounds embarrassing as hell.

You know, you have
a couple of dilemmas,

you get yourself a crisis.

- How many dilemmas in a crisis?
- Three.

Wow.

Hey, Laura, can
I ask you something?

Dr. Katz, he started crying
all by himself this time.

I didn't say anything.

What? Oh, fine.

I know... I wanna ask you
something else.

Oh, what?

If you saw somebody
you know and respected

take from the trash
a large chair

and stuff it in
the backseat of their car...

Dr. Katz, if you like
the chair,

then keep it!

Okay.

- Katz?
- Dr. Katz.

I run into this guy
I went to high school with,

I haven't seen him in 10 years,

and I ask him, "So
what's been going on, man?

What have you
been doing?"

And he's like, "Guess what?

I finally got an amp
for my bass."

Which answers a lot
of other questions,

like "Are you
still smoking a lot of pot",

are you living in your
mom's basement,

doing that house-
painting thing?"

Yeah.

All right,
Dr. Know-it-all.

Let me tell you about
this dream I had.

There was this really
skinny kid from high school.

He's, like, leaning up
against a building.

And all these big
kids from high school

are going over to him

and I think they're
gonna b*at him up,

but it turns out
they just want diet tips.

Uh...

Can't you figure
this out, healer?

Well...

Thank you, pausey, sir Pause-a-lot.
I... see, i...

Dr. No-energy,
let me ask you this:

If you could go to the bathroom

and candy came out,

what kind of candy would it be?

Fred, what are you doing here?

You don't have
an appointment today.

I would love to
get in on Tuesdays.

Why are they so hard?

I never did a Tuesday.

Well, Fred,
you have to pay your dues.

Can I just sit here
and read the magazines?

Fred, your appointment's
not 'til tomorrow,

so why don't you
just take them with you?

Take them? Take them
out of here?

That wouldn't make any sense.

That's so out of context,

reading a magazine that's
supposed to be here

and not here...
That wouldn't make sense.

That'd be like eating pizza
on a roller coaster.

That'd be like
shaving on an escalator.

It makes no sense.

It would be like listening
to music in your car.

Dr. Katz, why am I
such a cranky baby?

Well, I... you're a cranky
baby, you know that?

Dr. Katz, you and I...

We share, like,
the bald man thing,

'cause I'm going bald.

You know you're going bald

when your conversations
with your barber

keep getting
shorter and shorter.

You know, I sit down.

I'm like,
"How about those p..."

"Next!"

"What?"

"We're done."

"Well, here's a tip..."
"I can't, boy.

That would be stealing."

Excuse me, you're another
patient here?

Could I ask you something?

Could I sit in with you
on your session?

I need an appointment,

and maybe if you
pause or if you cough,

I could slip in a question,
really quick.

And then I wouldn't
even wait for the answer.

I'll wait later.

But I won't even take the seat.

I'll sit on the floor,
you can have the couch.

I'm not here, I'm here but
I'm not here.

Dr. Party panties, let me
tell you this:

I went home for
the holidays, right?

And everybody, all the men
in my family are bald,

and all the women are fat.

It's like a Metallica concert

going on in my own home.

You know, you can say,
"Can I use your bathroom?"

You know, nobody really cares.

But if you say, "I have
to use the plop-plop machine,"

it always breaks the conversation.
- Right.

So you have nieces?

You have nephews, siblings,
and grandparents?

Yeah, I only have one grandpa.

We call him grandpa alive.

But he still beats me
at checkers.

But I kick his ass
at full-contact karate.

Oh, it's almost a crime.

Does Dr. Katz give you
sandwiches or anything?

Do you get
frequent-flyer mileage?

Okay, I didn't think so.

I knew that he didn't,
but I wanted to make sure

that you pay to just talk.

That's okay as long as
that's the deal for everyone.

There's no t-shirts
or anything?

That would be great.

Being the head writer and
editor for goo-goo magazine,

a magazine by and for babies,

with stories like, "Grandpa,

give me back my nose,"

or, "It's a whale of a tail"...

Am I losing you?

- No, no, I'm with you.
- Tell me!

You know, Katz,
what is wrong with me?

Well, that's not
such a simple...

Come on, you bloodsucker.

How long are you gonna suck off
my teat before you cure me?

Fix this, fix this!

- Hey, dad?
- Yes, sir?

You got a minute here?
I got some problems.

Where are you now?

Actually, I'm right
outside the dump,

and they don't let me in.

It's not open to
the public anymore.

What are you talking about, Ben?

It's the city dump.

I know, but you have
to have a license

to dump there, in order to...

Well, that is an obscene law.

Apparently you can't
throw out stuff anymore.

You gotta keep it.

I asked them if I
could leave it at the gate

and they'd take it in,
but they won't.

Will they accept it as a gift?

Now I can't get rid
of it at the dump...

I'm thinking about just
leaving it somewhere.

Well, that is what
the dump is for.

Traditionally, it's a drop-off place
for all the... not anymore, dad.

They've changed the dump.

What, is it all
digital now, Ben?

It's nice, they've got
a great set-up here.

Well, don't get attached
to any of that stuff.

I could come here every day.

Hey, dad?

Well, you know, I'm starting
to get fond of the old thing.

It's like a friend.

That's what I've been
saying to you.

We don't have... a chair
can speak volumes.

Hey, dad?

We're going insane.

Hey, dad... did you have that
session with the woman

who saw you making
an ass of yourself?

Yes, yeah, I did.

Well, what happened?
Did she...

Apparently, that
was helpful to her,

to see me... to see
you as a human being?

That's right, to see me
as a human being

and also as a rodent,
groveling through the trash.

Yeah, I guess, that's
gotta help any patient

feel good about themselves.

She thought the whole
thing was pretty funny.

Oh, really?

Well, it just goes to show you, dad.
What?

It just goes to show you what?

I don't know.

It's just an expression.

Don't take it seriously.

Sorry, I'm so
literal these days.

What?

I said I'm so
literal these days.

What's that supposed to mean?

How about a truce?

How about we agree not
to listen to each other?

Let's flip a coin.

You go first.

No, let's choose up
for who flips the coin.

One, two, three, sh**t.

Damn it.

Laura, I know
this is kind of weird.

Do... can you be nicer?

Sure.

I'm sorry, because
it's a little off-putting...

Oh, to you?

I have been treating myself
a little bit better.

Been out for Chinese food
a number of times, recently.

I just love Chinese food,
you know why?

Because it's immediate
gratification, doctor.

They get you
Chinese food so fast.

I mean, you order it,
and bang... there it is.

Even take out.

When I used to live in New York,

you'd call, you'd give 'em
the order,

you'd hang up,
and then bing-bong...

The door would ring.

It was like they had
a helicopter and a wok,

and they'd just
lowered it to you.

I always get the same thing:
General Chan's chicken.

Actually, that's
not always true.

I get either
general Chan's chicken,

general Cho's chicken or
general Tso's chicken.

I think that's
the highest-m*llitary honor

that can be bestowed upon
a Chinese general:

Have a chicken
dish named after you.

I'd love to go to China

and attend a joint chiefs
of staff meeting,

just to hear the introductions.

"General Chow, meet
general Chan."

"General Chan,
I love your chicken!

And yours too,
my friend."

I missed my appointment?

Yep.

That's okay, 'cause I'm
an upbeat, positive guy.

I'm not negative.

I don't dwell on things.

Hi, sweetie, hi, sweetie.

People are attracted to me
'cause I don't mope.

I accentuate the positive.

I'm like someone you like.

So you know what
I've been doing, Dr. Katz?

Besides planning your m*rder?

'Cause I'm going
to m*rder you...

I watch the Discovery channel,

and you know what I've
discovered?

I need a girlfriend,
'cause it is boring.

And the more
Discovery channel you watch,

the less chance you ever
have of meeting a woman,

'cause it fills your head
full of odd facts

that come out at any moment.

Like, the other day I'm
talking to this girl, right?

And all of a sudden it's
like, "Hello!"

"Did you know
h*tler was ticklish?

The sea otter has four nipples.

Did you know these things?

Hi, I know everything odd.

Ask me how many bones
I have in my hand.

Don't run away!"
- Yeah.

You know, it seems
like every date I go on,

it always starts out
really nice.

"Oh, what do you do?

Mm-hm, me too...
Yes, uh-huh."

And then it always ends with
a girl screaming, "My eye!"

Dr. Katz,
can I ask you:

Are you an East-coast or
a West-coast gangster?

Actually, I haven't
really committed to either...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, get to it.

- God, Katz!
- East coast?

It would be one thing if you,
like, talked this way

and you said
something important.

But it's like... you're like...
"Uh, uh, shoelaces."

What?

Dave, we need to set
some ground rules in here.

Come on, Katz, let me in!

Katz, let me in!

Yeah, we're gonna have
to stop now, Dave.

Our time is up.

Oh, what a gyp!