03x26 - Day Planner

[bunniefuu]

Ben, is there some way
you can chew that...

Do you have to make
that sound when you...

I'm not even chewing.

I don't chew, I just swallow.

I'm sorry, I'm a little
cranky this morning,

I got no sleep last night,

the air conditioner
kept me up all night.

Oh, really?

It shimmies, you know?

Yes, it makes a noise.

I feel like I've been run over.

I must have slept


Really? And you gotta
go to work.

I know, and I feel...

I slept eight hours,
and I'm going back to bed.

I just gotta get some sleep,
that's it.

I can take a look at it.

Would you?

I'm good with a screwdriver.

Just be careful

that you have
the air conditioner

secured or balanced
so that it won't...

The super did tell the both of
us that it was a two-man job

because someone
needs to open the window

while the other person holds.

Yeah, that's why I don't think
you need to open the window

or remove the air conditioner.

I think you just need to
secure it, that's all.

Call security.

Dr. Katz, would your feelings be
hurt if I left early today?

Rodney, this is
not about my feelings.

So, I guess, I would have
to ask you

what time were you
thinking of leaving?

Now.

Well, that hurts a little.

At least sit down for a second.

Okay, we're done, huh?

I guess, I mean, I think this
is the easy way out.

I mean, tell me one sad thing.

Yeah, all right.

At least can we finish this
conversation about your wife?

Okay, I got you.

I remember the first time
I met my wife,

it was in a restaurant.

She told the waiter, "I'd like
to have something simple,"

so he brought me over.

See, there you go,
you're joking again.

We're trying to... you're not
being honest with me.

One day, I asked my daughter,

"What do you want to be
when you grow up?"

She looked at
my wife... she said, "single."

Again, this is the same thing.

My kids are nothing but trouble.

I told my son, "Someday, you'll
have children of your own."

He said, "So will you."

That's cold.

Am I finished?

You know, I'm not... we're not
learning anything by doing this.

- Hello?
- Yes?

Hi, Dr. Katz,
it's Fred.

Yeah, Fred, what are you
doing here? This is...

I'm... for the appointment.

You're... you're not
expected until, until...

I might be early.

You're 24 hours early, Fred.

You see, I had some problems
I really want to talk about,

and I was afraid that
if I did other things,

other things would come up,

and I'd forget to
talk about the things

I really wanted to talk about,

that the other things
would cancel it out.

Maybe you shouldn't...

I don't want anything
else happening.

Maybe you shouldn't do
other things until you see me.

Just don't do other things...
You know what I mean?

Because if...

Rodney, I'll be with
you in one second, okay?

Forgive me.

I really have to...
I have a guy in there.

Oh, could I ask you one quick
question really quick?

Actually, could you just slip
the problem under the door,

and then when I'm done, I'll...

And where will the answer be?

I'll slip it right back
under the door to you, okay?

As soon as I'm done.

Um, where's Laura?

Laura's... Laura had to go.

What are we...
Am I waiting for now?

I'm sorry, Rodney,
I'll be one second...

All right, everything okay?

Everything is fine with me.

I think... I just need to
get back to work.

Okay, I'm sorry...
Are you mad at me?

Little bit.

Could I give you, like, some
singles from my wallet?

Uh, that's not necessary...
That's a ten, I think.

Ben.

Oh, god.

- Hey, Ben.
- Daddy.

Did you go back to sleep?

What?

Did I wake you up?
Did you go back to sleep?

What time is it?

It's ten after 9:00.

I went back to sleep.

What do you mean?

You get up, you have breakfast
and then you go back to sleep?

What, do you call me right
when you get to work?

Well, I'm calling you
for a reason, because...

Why don't you leave me alone
for a little bit?

I'm gonna fix the thing.

No, no, I have another reason.

That's my day planner,
I forgot it,

and I would love it, if you can
find it, it's either in my room,

or the living room
or the kitchen,

and just swing by the office
with it, that would be great.

Dad, I don't have time to
do all those things today,

all those things you just said.

Well, that's...
That's two things.

I'll try to find the day
planner... if not, I'll come by.

No, don't come by without the
day planner, that's my point.

Dad, you know,
in biblical times,

a day was actually, like,
over 3,000 years long.

Is that true?

You know how many trees it took

to make a day planner back then?

Huh? A lot!

Yeah.

That's what k*lled the
dinosaurs... one day planner.

Um, I feel I'm having
an okay week this week.

That's good, Jake.

You know my girlfriend,
we weren't uh...

The vegetarian?

Finally, I got her to go to
a baseball game with me.

You know, I like to have a
hot dog at the baseball game,

but she wouldn't leave me alone.

You know, "You don't
know what's in there."

You know, I never really cared...
They're good, that's enough,

except for that white
ball... you know that thing?

You know when you bite
into a hot dog,

there's that white
ball kinda staring at you?

A lot of questions
come to mind...

How many have I eaten so far?
And should I eat this one?

Because you don't know...
Maybe that's the good part.

Maybe they're gonna start
selling them that way.

"More white balls!"

I went to the grocery store
to look at the ingredients

on a package of hot dogs.

Half of it, I didn't
even understand.

But I was hoping to find
something about white ball,

maybe in parentheses...
"Known as white ball"...

Finally, I come to beef lips.

Gross.

I thought they would have made
up some code name at least.

I don't know how the lips
even get in the hot dogs.

Maybe that's how they make 'em.

Maybe there's just, like,
a big grinder and the cows,

they think they're just on
a tour of the factory,

and they're just
taken by surprise.

Like, "Very nice operation
you've got... a grinder?"

Anyway, I'd like to
go back to the girlfriend.

Sure.

She's the vegetarian.

And so she wanted me
to be a vegetarian,

because that's how they are.

I think it's a typical
relationship thing.

You know, you get
involved with somebody,

and they give you that old,
"I love you... change."

You know, you can't
meet the perfect person.

Everyone knows that,
I know that.

So you find a person who's
close to the perfect person,

and then you hook 'em, and then
work on 'em a little

while they try
and dislodge the lure.

At the time, I loved her...
Well, she loved me, too.

But if there had been
a guy who was just like me

who was a vegetarian,
I would have been f...

Whoa, hey, whoa, now.

My other therapist
allows me to swear.

Well, that's...
That's up to him.

Her big one, the one that she
would use on me all the time,

she would say,
"Would you eat your cat?"

I'd try and be honest.

I tell her, "No,
I wouldn't eat my cat.

Someone else's cat, maybe."

And it depends on the sauce,
kind of, for me,

'cause I don't like
the heavy cat sauces.

I tell her I wouldn't
eat my cat,

and then I knew it was over.

It's just a matter of how
it's gonna play out.

And she would come at me with,

"What's the difference between
your cat and some cow?"

At that point, I'm
winging it, you know.

If a cat is my pet,

and I love her, and she's
sucking up to me.

These cows don't
want me to eat them,

let them stop by with a gift.

I wouldn't eat
my cat, I love my cat.

And she loves me, too.

But she would eat me,
that's the thing about my cat.

She would eat me.

If I slipped in the shower,

and was all soggy and bloated,

she would probably eat me...
Eyeballs first.

You know what?
I would eat her.

Now that I think about it,
yeah, I would.

I want to warn her when I
get home... you're on thin ice!

Hi, Laura... I'm all ready
to do the thing.

Mm-hmm.

So am I next?

No.

Am I late or early?

Well, you're late for
last week's appointment

and early for the next one.

Do you find my flakiness
attractive?

Because I'm like a Jim Morrison.

I'm a rebel.

I just... you don't know what
you're gonna get with me.

I could have a tantrum now,

I'm gonna knock
this off your desk.

Don't do that.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to get hostile,

but you know what I mean...

It's okay.

- Maybe you should go.
- Okay.

I was trying to be
a vegetarian, because she...

She had this power over me.

I think women, they're smarter
than men, really, is the gist...

I don't know if they're smarter,

but they have a better
organization, you know?

Because they have meetings

and they discuss strategies,
and techniques and plans.

And they use 'em on us.

You know, at their meetings,

they've got pull-down charts
and pointers,

and they're drinking
coffee, all serious,

and raising their hands,

meanwhile, guys,
at our meetings,

"Put the hat
on the dog again."

I guess, we didn't think
we needed a plan,

because our
demands are pretty simple.

We only have two demands,
as far as I can tell,

which are sex, and don't bug us.

Sometimes, you know, like when
we're out in the garage,

working on our stupid project

that they can't believe
we're even bothering

to build a model

of the starship Enterprise, you
know, that has to be perfect,

so our kids can throw
it away when we're dead.

You know that's gonna happen
someday, right, doctor?

We're all gonna be dead,

and our kids are gonna be going
through our stuff like,

"Bullsh..., bullsh..."
uh, whoop, Jake!

"Where's the money?"

Yello.

Having any luck with the, uh...

With finding my day planner?

I was hoping you would have
been here by now.

No luck, dad,
can't find your book.

Guess what?
What's that?

I fixed the air conditioner.

Hey, Ben, thank you so much.

No, I don't know if you're
gonna approve

but it's better than it was.

Okay, Ben?

Yes, dad?

I need to enlist your help.

Right here for you.

I need to find my day planner,
I left it either in the...

What do you call
it when you've ruled out

certain areas of the apartment,

you know, because I've
already searched them?

You're going through
the process of elimination.

Whatever... the point is,

yeah.

I've eliminated a few rooms,
and my checklist says

I have a couple more to check.

Well, Ben, you know, we have...
How many rooms in the house?

There's the kitchen,
we have a living room.

We have your room,
we have my room.

We have the foyer.

The foyer, and the bathroom...
Did I mention the bathroom?

This is a beautiful
apartment, dad.

Yeah.

Dr. Katz' office.

Why not, "Hello?"

I know you're running a
business, but that's awful cold.

Did you find the day
planner yet?

- Are you looking?
- No.

Well, why not?

I mean, there should be more
than one person on this job.

Because it's not here.

Could you please find it?

Laura, I'll tell you
something right now.

My dad's in a state...

I know.

I'm telling you, Ben,
you have to find it because...

I'm gonna find it, Laura.

The thing about me is that
when I start a job, you know,

I don't stop until I fail.

Mm-hmm.

I won't find the day planner.

I'll tell you that right now...
I know that, but I won't quit.

I'll tell you, doc,
I got a lot of pressure.

And this pressure is like
a heaviness.

And it's always on top
of me, this heaviness.

Other people wake up
in the morning,

"Ah, new day,
up and at 'em."

I wake up, the heaviness is
right there waiting for me.

I say, "Hi, heaviness."

And the heaviness
looks back at me,

"Today, you're gonna
get it good.

You'll be
drinking early today."

Yeah... so wait, who's on top,
you or the heaviness?

Didn't you hear
me the first time?

I guess, I'm sorry, I...

Jeez, I don't have
time for all this.

Unless the money is right.

You'll get paid, Rodney,

but your payment will be in
the form of mental health.

That's what... that's
the business I'm in.

I get paid for this?

That's right, you'll get paid
back in a different way,

the returns will be...

And to think we get
paid for this!

Wanna talk about my childhood?

- Yeah.
- All right.

Just relax and whatever
pops into your head,

you know, your first memory,

it doesn't have to be a good
memory, or bad memory,

just whatever
comes to your mind.

The time I was lost in
a beach, I asked a cop,

"How can
I find my parents?"

He said, "I don't know, kid,

there's so many
places they could hide."

Yeah.

I never got lucky with girls
either when I was a kid.

I had a date with one girl, I
waited two hours at the corner.

A girl walked by...
I said, "Are you Louise?"

She said, "Are you Rodney?"
I said, "Yeah."

She said,
"I'm not Louise."

You're still
haunted by the rejection

you got as a young man
from women.

That still is something
that weighs heavily on you,

and you feel like you...

What are you talking about?

I sense that what you're
feeling and what you're saying

are so far opposed,

that you're just so
uncomfortable with this format.

You take a long time
to think about it.

Yeah.

Well, we're working at two
different paces here.

Should I pick one,
is that what you're saying?

Dad, I just wanted to fill
you in on my progress.

Yes, please.

I've been looking...
No progress.

Well, Ben, I need...

To be honest with you, I'm not
panicking about this.

This doesn't have
to do with your panic,

this is about my panic.

Well, you've made it... you've
made it my issue, too.

I'm just trying to say that,
relax... I got it under control.

I need this book, Ben.

I'm here in the house all day,
and I'm gonna find it.

I need it, and I need
it in a hurry, so please...

What's so important
about the book

you need it right now, dad?

The reason you hear the
beginnings of panic in my voice

is because contained in that
book are all my appointments,

notes about my patients,

and the first two chapters of

a self-help book
that I'm writing.

The first two chapters of what?

I'm working on
a self-help book.

Why didn't you tell me, dad?

You can't just hit me with
that kind of news.

Because I, I...

Thought you
might make fun of me.

I'm not gonna... why would I
make fun of you for...

All right, I'll make fun of you.

You're writing a book
about self-help?

Self-help?
What are you, crazy?

Well, you know, remember
I had a book almost published

about three years ago called,

"How to hurt
your own feelings?"

I feel like as much as
I love my work,

I feel like there's a more
efficient way to help people.

And that's why this book...

It's not about
the money, then, huh?

It's not about the money,
it's about the help.

I just think a lot of these
self-help books actually

take advantage of people's...

That's not my motivation
for writing the book.

All I'm saying is...

The same reason

I went into the business
of therapy.

Why?

I'm in it for the money.

No, I'm in it for...

What I was saying is

I think a lot of these people
who write self-help books

are doing it
for the wrong reasons,

not to help people, but to just
help themselves, financially,

and I think that's great.

What's wrong?
What's the matter with you?

Don't ask.

What?

I... essentially,
my life is over.

What are you talking about,
what's going on?

My god, what's wrong?

Why the hangdog?

You know this book that
I affectionately refer to

as my Bible, my day planner
with all this stuff.

Your organizer, yeah, yeah.

With every phone number,
every appointment,

every idea I've had
in the last ten years...

Don't tell me.

Well, I don't know where
the hell the thing is.

You know, I'm going
nuts, I can't find it.

I can't dress myself without
referring to this thing.

You know, it's really...

Have you retraced your steps?

I've traced them,
I retraced them.

Ben has turned
the place inside-out...

Jeez.

He says.

And there's also stuff, just
that there's stuff in that book,

which if taken out of context,
could be very hurtful.

That's all.

Oh, really?

- To who?
- To Ben...

To my friends,
to you Stanley, to...

Wait, wait, wait...
Is this like trash?

There's trash in it about
me and about...

No, no one said
the word, "trash."

I just gotta ask you
something here.

You didn't talk about the thing

that happened in Jersey that
time, when I had the thing?

What thing?

Nah, nah, if
I wanted you to know...

Ixnay with the ing-thay
on that thing there.

It's not events that I write
about, it's feelings.

Yeah, that's okay then.

You didn't mention
the thing in New Paltz,

on that weekend in
the late '70s?

Well, that I referred to, but...

Damn!

But in context.

In the context of a friendship
that's almost 20 years old.

And Julie, I need
to say this to you,

is that Julie is a very
common name.

Today was a...

Today was a tough day for you.

I'm trying not to think
about the day planner.

I'm trying to get over the...

I, dad, I want to just say,
for the record,

that I tried my best.

I know you were...

I appreciate it.

You seemed disappointed
in my efforts.

Well, I'm sorry
if I snapped at you.

It's only because my efforts
were disappointing.

Yeah.

The thing about it is,

it took me all day to get
to this point,

but I definitely remember seeing
it, I just don't know where...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What, you mean you actually saw
it, at some point, today?

I know I saw it today,
or this morning.

You know what
would have been a good idea,

was to pick it up at that point.

I just wasn't thinking
like that at the time.

Well, maybe it would be worth
our while to retrace your steps.

Right, actually, it won't
be that tricky, dad,

because I didn't
take many steps today.

You know, I stayed
relatively still.

Okay, let's begin
at the beginning.

I went to work,
and I left you...

I started lying down
in the kitchen,

and then made
my way to the couch.

And then I had gotten up
to look around.

Oh, no, wait...
I fixed the air conditioner.

And how did you...

Well, what I did was,
because there was a space,

on the left side,
it was sagging.

So what I did was,
I just put a book,

it was, like,
a leather-bound thing,

and I put it right under the...

And wedged it in,
and now it's fine.

What? My day planner?

I didn't check.

Yeah, sounds like it.

Did it say, "Day planner"
on the front of it?

Yes, it did.

That might have been it.

Jeez, I'm sorry, dad.

We've all done that.

We've all wedged something
in between something,

not realizing
what it was, you know?

I know I'm never gonna
understand the world.

I used to think I was gonna
figure out life, you know?

Sure.

Remember when you
were 15 years old,

you think you knew everything,

people come to you
with their problems,

"My girlfriend is a..."
"Well, break up with her!

She's a jerk, screw her!"

You know, it just seemed
so simple back then.

And now, people come to me
with their girlfriend problems,

and I'm just like,

"Did she sh**t you or just
point the g*n at you?"

I used to have all these
opinions, you know, doctor,

I used to look down on people
with tattoos,

because I thought they didn't
understand what they were doing.

And now, I admire people
with tattoos,

because at least they thought
they knew what they were doing.

I crave that clarity...
To walk in and say to a guy,

"Yeah, a flying pig with fire
coming out of his snout.

Right here,
'cause that's who I am."

Hello, Laura?

Yes?

This is Fred Stoller.

I'm late for
an appointment again.

You want to know why?

Sure.

I'm not gonna tell you why...
That's the mystique about me.

I'm an enigma...
It intrigues you.

"Is he one of these?
Is he one of these?"

I'm brooding,

I'm intense,
"What makes him tick?"

That makes people
attracted to me.

What's this guy about?
Right?

Where are you calling from?

I'm in my friend's house.

Okay, have fun.

All right, maybe
I'll see you later?

Okay.
Okay, thanks.

I respect the pierced people...
Have you seen these people?

Sure.

If you want
to freak out your mom...

If you want to freak
your mom out now,

you've got to get a lip or
a nostril or eyebrow piercing.

Have you seen that eyebrow,

where it's like a shower curtain
going across there

"Go to hell!"

And then
the tongue one... wow.

I don't even understand what
the point of that is.

No one can even see it,
until you go, "ahh."

I don't know if there's a name
for that or not... the tongue.

Although, I don't want to know.

If there is a name,
I don't want to know,

because that is just...

That'd be like one step closer
to getting it, you know?

This way, I can't get drunk
and accidentally order it

'cause that would be
the worst hangover ever.

You wake up the next... "Jeethus,
what the hell

did we do last night?
I got a nail in my tongue.

Tho ha ha ha, funny to you."

Whoops, you know
what the music means.

Our time is up.

Thank you.