03x24 - Koppleman and Katz

[bunniefuu]

So what has been going on
here all day, Ben?

I've been moving stuff around.

I know, but why?

I'm looking for
my birth certificate,

and I called you, like,
three times today,

and you wouldn't...
You weren't available.

Did you look in my files?

I did look in the file cabinet.

Did you look under
"Ben: Important documents"?

I saw that.

That was in
the subsection of "Ben".

Did you see "Ben:
Not-so-important documents"?

I saw that.

Yeah, it wasn't in there.

Did you see
"Ben: To be filed"?

I did not... I didn't find it
in any of the files.

But I did find this
picture that I can't get over.

Look at this.
Oh, my God.

I haven't seen this
for about 25 years.

Who is that?

That's Sharon Koppleman.

Remember I told you about
Koppleman and Katz?

- We were a folk act.
- Oh, right, right.

Oh, that's Sharon.

She was my partner, and she
was my partner in life.

She was my old lady,

as they used to say
in those days.

What do you mean,
what do you mean by that?

We were into some
very heavy stuff.

What?
Some what?

For 3,5 years she was
my main squeeze.

We were lovers.

- You were lovers?
- Yeah.

Isn't there another
word for that

that wouldn't
make me so nauseous?

I was her old man.

I'm your old man now,
but then I was her old man.

Yeah.

Different times.

See, I thought you were just...
yeah.

We both played the guitar,
acoustic guitar.

But we did the whole circuit.

We were good.

We would do the folk clubs,

we did demonstrations,
sit-ins.

Just tell me one thing, dad...

You guys didn't snap
instead of clap?

'Cause I hate that.

- No, we never did that.
- Good.

I mean, she looks a little
crazy in the eyes.

In the '60s,
we all stayed up late.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, got the crazy eyes.

It was such a different
time for everybody...

Whenever I see a picture
of you from back then, dad,

it looks like you were
trying too hard

to be one of those
people who was freewheeling

and carefree and all
the "free" words.

Well, it's not easy to do that.

That's a big belt, dad,
you know?

Not in proposition to my collar.

- And nobody wore a bra in those days.
- Really?

They were all burnt.

Well, she used to
preheat her bra.

She sort of hedged
the issue, you know?

So, Laura, I don't know if I
ever told you this...

When I was in college,
I was half of a folk act.

Koppleman and Katz.

- Did you ever hear of them?
- Mmm...

We used to have this
very cute little way

of introducing ourselves.

We would say to the audience...

I'd go, "She's Koppleman."

And she'd go,
"He's Katz!"

And then she'd say,
"I'm Koppleman!"

And I'd say, "I'm Katz."

"We're Koppleman and Katz.

That's that's."

Yeah, it was cute.

And you can...
Feel free to say no,

but I would love it

if you would just for one
very sentimental moment for me,

if you... when I say,
"She's Koppleman,"

if you'd
just say, "He's Katz."

Seriously?

Yep, would you do that for me?

I'm gonna say
"She's Koppleman."

She's Koppleman.

She's Koppleman.

Then you go, "He's Katz."

He's Katz.

Let's try it again.

She's Koppleman.

He's Katz.

And now say,
"I'm Koppleman."

And that's all I'm gonna ask.

Please.

It would mean a lot to me.

I've got about three minutes

before my first
patient shows up.

Just say, "I'm Koppleman."

I'm Koppleman.

I'm Katz.

We're Koppleman and Katz.

And that's that's.

Are we done?

I'm pretty happy.

I don't why I'm here...
I don't know.

I have a wife, I have two kids.

I just feel like I have no one
to share it with.

I'm trying to be a good father.

There's some proud moments.

My daughter's three years old.

She's gone six months now
without a cigarette.

Mazel tov.

And I try to get involved...
It's very important.

I change the cat box
before my kids play in it.

Y'know, my wife is a feminist,
always competing with me.

She says, "Men are inferior

because they can't
carry life in their belly."

Yeah, I had a tapeworm this big.

It looked just like me.

A little balding worm
with glasses.

I raised him like a son.

Little boober.

Y'know, when we first got
married, we agreed:

No cheating on one another,

unless our wildest
fantasy could come true.

So we wrote them down on
little pieces of paper.

She picked Kevin Costner,
and I picked Cindy Crawford.

So after a year went by,

I said, "Honey, why don't
we update the list?"

So she picked Brad Pitt,
and I picked our baby-sitter.

And I won, and she won't
accept that.

I thought maybe between patients

I'd pick a little...
A little guitar.

You know why I'm gonna
pick a little guitar?

Why?

♫ 'Cause I'm just
a guitar-picking fool ♫

♫ fresh out of guitar-picking
school ♫

- That's a song we used to do.
- Really?

♫ looking for
a guitar-picking gal ♫

♫ I'll bet my guitar-picking
life ♫

♫ she'll be my
guitar-picking wife ♫

♫ and we will pick our guitars
teeth and drool ♫

sing this with me... go...

♫ sometimes you know... ♫

Okay, what do you think?

And be honest with me.

Um, I just...
I don't like folk music.

- No?
- No, not really.

Just whenever
I listen to folk music,

I just... it's just
so grating.

Y'know, don't put a label on it.

I mean, don't put that
label on it if you hate it.

It's just the kind of
thing that,

after you listen to
it for a little while,

all you can think of
is "Shut up."

Just shut up.

Yeah, but what we did then...

♫ and the trees
and the flowers ♫

♫ and the children ♫

♫ and the people
and the... ♫

Oh, sure, I hate that stuff too.

I'm with you.

It's too trilly.

Why do they do that?

That was considered at
the time... intense.

That very fast vibrato.

What we now consider annoying,

they used to call intense.

But a lot of men
think I'm really hot.

I can't really help that.

It's not really something
I can control, I find...

My hotness and my heat.

And it's my incredible figure...

Like I need that...
And my personality,

which is such a threatening
package.

It's the only reason
I can think of that I'm alone.

Y'know, I was trying to
figure out the way

to get the right guy,

and, oh, I should go with
a more professional man

or a younger man or older man.

And my new category is:
Guys whose families are dead.

Y'know, I'm looking for a
Bosnian love connection,

because I can't deal
with the families anymore.

I have to keep going to

one w*r-torn country
after the next

and find
the dead-guy family-guy

who's hunky and sensitive
and can appreciate me.

Y'know, I'm also
really into Lyle Menendez...

I remember that.

...whose parents are dead,
so that's a start.

I don't know.

Maybe it's me, but I just
think he's got something.

And I suppose
you would probably say

that I'm just setting
myself up again

for a... quote...
"Unavailable man."

But I think he's very bright.

He went to Princeton.

He didn't do so well there,

but he had to k*ll his parents
his junior year.

And I think everything
will work out really well,

as long as I don't make him mad.

'Cause you know how he can be.

But that's cool.

We all go through phases...

Oh, like you've never had a day

when you wanted to k*ll your
parents and reload.

Come on.

Dr. Katz, I'm gonna need you
to hold me for this next part.

Yeah, I don't think that's
such a good idea, Kathy.

If we could spoon
and I could be on the inside?

- And why do you get to be on the inside?
- Because I'm small.

It makes me feel
small and feminine.

It's the same reason I like to
be picked up and carried,

and also maybe thrown up
into the air and caught,

but not in an aggressive way,

but in a playful way

that's a little bit
threatening, but not very.

I also like to be
bench-pressed

and I like to punch guys
really hard in the stomach,

when they've maybe
done some ab work

and they're really proud of it,

and they say,
"Come on, hit me."

And I say, "Oh, honey, no."

And I'll give 'em
a little-girl punch,

and they'll go, "Come on,
don't insult me."

"Hit me!
Come on, harder!

You can do better than that!

Come on, hit me!"

And then I hit 'em really hard,

and then they act
like it didn't hurt,

but I go right for the windpipe.

- What?
- Let me ask you a quick question.

Is my dad acting a little
odd today?

He didn't make you sing the
Koppleman-Katz thing, did he?

Mm-hmm.

I did it too.

♫ I'm Koppleman ♫

♫ and he's Katz ♫

♫ I'm Koppleman ♫

♫ he's Katz ♫

♫ you're annoying ♫

♫ and I'm your son ♫

- Remember?
- Yeah.

- Hey, you wouldn't wanna do
it with me, would you?
- No.

♫ I'm Katz ♫

Doctor, maybe I should
join a subculture

and just be in a biker g*ng.

Although if you're
actually in one,

you call it a club.

It sounds good.
It does.

To be saying,
"I joined a new club.

It's a biker club/g*ng."

I don't know... I kind of
have a fantasy about that,

where I just don't have to
worry anymore

and I'm on the back
of some guy's Harley

and he has, like, a name...

You know how biker people
don't have their real name...

Their name is never
Jaime or something.

So his biker name
would be, like, Trouble.

And I gotta call him Trouble,

'cause where Trouble goes,
I follow.

And he's a freak,

'cause I enjoy
the freaks so much.

Yeah, why that type of man?

I just like the freaky men,

the men that are askew
in some way,

the men that don't
bow down to the man.

Y'know, the nonconformist
freak, the freakazoids.

How do you think
your parents will feel

when you bring home Trouble?

Oh, my parents would be so...
They'd hate Trouble.

This is really about getting
back at your parents.

You're so angry
at them for something.

Kathy, let's try something.

Let's do
a little role-playing.

I'll play the part
of your father.

Introduce me.
"Dad, this is Trouble.

Don't give him
any of your lip."

"Hi, Trouble."

And maybe I'll
call him daddy-o.

"Hey, daddy-o, what gives?
What's the jig?

Trouble's gonna cut you."

"Honey, can you get Trouble
something to drink?

Trouble,
what would you like?"

All right, at this point my
mom would be passed out.

I'm just saying.

And how would your mother react?

What's she like?
She's very nurturing,

and she's also in a huge,
huge amount of denial,

so she would...

And trouble would be
standing there before her

with the leather vest
and the tattoos

and the gut hanging out,

but when she looked at him,
she would see a nine iron

and the shorts
and then the print golf shirt.

She would see basically
a young Jack Nicklaus,

their dream match for me.

♫ Way back in '68 ♫

♫ we thought we saw the light ♫

♫ we stood for what
we stood for ♫

♫ 'cause we all
knew wrong from right ♫

Wow.

♫ We went to lots of meetings ♫

♫ and we talked
of w*r and hate ♫

just to show you how long ago
I wrote this...

♫ but now we're
closing in on 30 ♫

♫ and we've started getting
straight ♫

which had a different
meaning in those days.

And then it goes...

♫ hey diddle diddle diddle
hey diddle... ♫

Y'know, I was actually...

I'm still looking for
the birth certificate,

and I can't find it.

Did you try the shoebox?

I didn't try the shoebox,

but I got stuck in
the crawlspace.

I checked the closet,

and I'll tell you
something, dad,

I did find a lot
more hippie stuff,

like a lot of the Sharon-era
stuff.

What stuff did you find?

I found a couple of patches.

Y'know, like patches
for your clothes.

I found a couple
peace-sign necklaces,

and then I found a "Keep on
truckin'" bumper sticker.

Y'know, the peace signs...

Y'know, with those
peace signs...

One was mine
and one was Sharon's.

They were really engagement
rings, those...

- The peace signs?
- Only hipper.

- You know what I mean?
- No.

I don't speak your lingo, dad.

You were gonna get married?

Had things worked out.

If I had gone with her to
California...

You would have married her?

We very likely could have become

husband and wife.

Why didn't you go?

I just didn't wanna admit

that I didn't know
how to drive a stick.

I got married this year.

That's great, Jeff.

I had to buy an engagement ring,

and I have incredibly poor
taste in jewelry.

I would have preferred just
handing my wife the money.

"Here, will you marry me?

No?
How much more?

Do you take visa?"

I think the engagement ring is
a form of payment, though.

It's a statistical fact that
women who never get married

live longer than women who do,

but men who never get married

don't live as long
as men who do.

It's only fair, then,

some type of compensation
is extended.

"Here, this is for the life

that I'm about to
suck out of you."

I don't think men and women

can ever communicate that well.

I think women have a better
grasp of language than men.

There are no synonyms in
a woman's vocabulary.

Every word has its
own shade of meaning.

"I didn't say that I was mad.

I said that I was upset.

Maybe you should listen."

Women want men to be
more expressive,

more open with our feelings.

Unfortunately, we aren't capable

of being that sensitive.

We simply aren't equipped
with the same

emotional antennae as women.

Y'know, they got
satellite dishes.

We got coat hangers with
aluminum foil on the tip.

Women are much more
verbal than men,

and it's because
we aren't verbal

that we're rarely able to
provide women

with the romantic
dialogue they so desire.

Women should have teleprompters

mounted on their foreheads.

That way we could read
whatever they wanted us to say

and still almost make
eye contact

and appear sincere.

"Without you my life
has no meaning."

"I am like a bee
without a flower."

Directory assistance.

What city, please?

In Fresno, do you have
a listing for

a Sharon Koppleman?

That's a "k", like Koppleman,
"o" like oppleman,

"p" like poppleman,
"p" like poppleman,

"l" like loppleman.

No, I'm sorry, sir.

There's no one here
under that listing.

What do you have?

I've got a Rita Kombs.

Okay, I'll take that.

There was one exceptional.

- Really?
- For you?

- Yeah.
- Who?

No, I had a girlfriend
in college named

Sharon Koppleman, who...

She would play my body
like an accordion.

Ooh, I usually
hate accordion music,

but I think I would make
an exception.

She was the only woman
who could get me

to hit the "e" above middle "c".

- You know what I mean?
- She's good.

♫ aiee ♫

Could you give us
a little sample of it?

Or is it just too late
in life or...

Yeah, hold me closer.

Eww!

Here comes the accordion!

So Sharon... she got out
of the music business

and became a holistic healer.

Oh, really?

Yeah, like many of her ilk,

she believes in drinking
a glass of your own urine

every day, because it
contains antibodies

that supposedly help
your body fight off disease.

And there is some
kind of medical

substantiation to that theory.

But of course there's
a downside.

- Which is?
- Pee-pee breath.

Actually I found my
birth certificate.

Oh, that's great.

Where did you end up finding it?

It was in my pocket
the whole time.

You're kidding me.

No, it wasn't, it was in...

Was it in the shoebox?

No, it was stuck
between two drawers.

So, Ben, what's up
with the picture?

Y'know, dad, if you and Sharon
had gotten together,

if you had stayed together,

if you had made it work,
instead of bailed out,

maybe you would have
been a big folk duet.

There's a million of 'em
out there,

making bundles of money.

It could have happened.

I'm not saying it
couldn't have happened.

And then we'd be on
some beach house

in one of the "Santa" places
out there on the west coast.

Santa Malibu?

Any one of those
small beach towns

that a lot of celebrities
live in.

You know the best thing
about being famous?

- What's that?
- You're better at parties.

It's a real ice-breaker.

Yeah, you come in,
you can say anything.

Everybody laughs.

- Everybody wants a piece.
- That's right.

- Everybody sucks up.
- Yep.

Nobody sucks up to you.

Not now.

But maybe if you two had me,
I wouldn't be Ben.

I'd be named after
some constellation.

Cassiopeia or Orion, the Hunter,

is what you'd call me.

♫ Benny boy ♫

Okay.

♫ Benny boy ♫

♫ Benny boy ♫

♫ I love you
just the way... ♫

♫ I... I... ♫

♫ I... ♫

Wait, let me find
a good... wait...

♫ I love you just the way ♫

♫ I'd throw it all away ♫

♫ I love you ♫

♫ just the way ♫

♫ you are ♫

Oh, that hurts.

Hurts so good.

♫ mm-hmm ♫

We'll take a break, come back
in a couple of minutes.

You guys have been terrific.

I feel uncomfortable being here.

You know who I hate,
Dr. Katz?

Vietnam vets...
That's who I hate.

What about me?

Where do I fit into this?

What about the draft dodger?

Nobody ever says anything about
the poor draft dodger.

I have post-stress
syndrome... look at me.

Sometimes late at night I wake
up screaming in a sweat,

thinking I'm back
in a disco in Montreal.

My friend Marty is always
talking about

the Tet Offensive.

Hey, I was at Woodstock
with the rain and the mud

and sha na na.

and last night I was watching
Sally Struthers

and it was really sad.

I was crying.

And what can I do?
What can I do?

And I saw the 800 number.

And I'm not bragging,
but I called the 800 number,

and I said, "Listen, you gotta
stop running these commercials.

It's bumming me out."

And I really feel like
I did something.

I am against sex education.

You wanna wipe out
teen pregnancy,

it begins at home.

It's the parents' responsibility

to sit your child down

and teach them shame
for their bodies.

Tell your kids they're fat.

That's my solution.

Every time I see my
children walking around,

I say, "Drop a few pounds,
you porker!"

They hate themselves,

and I don't have to worry about
the boys coming a-calling.

One time I was at
this nightclub.

I was just dancing by myself,

because I love doing that.

I'll go dancing and I'll be in
the middle of the dance floor,

but I'm acting like
I'm with someone else

and they're getting my drink.

And every so often I'll look
toward the bar area and wave

or put one finger up like
I'll be there in one minute.

The other thing I'll do is

if people are
dancing in a group,

I'll just sort of act like
one of them is my date.

Okay, well, I admit that
I have this guy in my life

who is just a friend

that I also
have sex with sometimes.

Y'know, I don't feel any
shame or guilt about it,

because I think
everyone has that person...

That person that you just call
at 2:00 in the morning

and goes,
"Who wants to get laid?"

And he goes, "I do!"

And then he comes over.

Anyway, one night
we had just finished...

You know...
Up?

Well, we were just
kind of lying there,

and he was doing this thing

where he was just
lying on the bed

and slowly stroking his chest,

and then he decided
to open up to me.

And he said,
"Sometimes, you know,

I just get so mad and I see
stuff on the news

and I just think...

I can see how you could
m*rder someone."

And I just turned
to him and I said,

"Okay, we should go...
There's traffic."

Kathy, you know what
the music means.

Our time is up.

Hey, you know what I love?

You know those songs
where you...

Instead of saying
a dirty word at the end,

you change it into...

Oh, right, right.
I love that.

♫ I was born to be punished ♫

♫ born to be hurt ♫

♫ to be stepped on
and treated like dirt ♫

♫ but my love for you ♫

♫ girl it won't quit ♫

♫ even though
I know everything ♫

♫ you touch turns to ♫

♫ shame on you ♫
- I love that!

♫ you treated me so...♫

Oh, man,
that gets me every time.

More, more.

♫ most other fellers
would just up and go ♫

♫ but my love for you ♫

♫ girl it won't quit ♫

♫ even though I know♫

♫ everything
you touch turns to ♫

♫ should have known better ♫

every time... see?

'Cause you think
you're gonna say...

♫ so listen to
my friend's advice ♫

♫ but my love for you ♫

♫ girl it won't quit ♫

♫ even though I know
everything ♫

♫ you touch turns to ♫

♫ Sheila don't be so blue ♫

Oh, there you go again!

Yeah.

It doesn't get any
cleverer than that.