04x19 - The Tami Show

[bunniefuu]

[door creaks open]

[whistles]

[duck quacks]

[drumming fingers]

[snoring]

[loud gulp]

[breaking wind]

[snoring]

[drumming fingers]

[snoring]

[loud gulp]

[snoring]

[door opens]

CORNFED: Hi.
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!

I haven't felt
tension like that

since I got stuck
in an elevator

with Pat Buchanan
and Rupaul.

What's wrong?

The whole clan's
gone Ku-Klux ku-ku.

Bev keeps pressuring us to be
more like a happy family--

completely upsetting

the delicately balanced
dysfunctions

that took us years
to perfect.

All this togetherness
is k*lling us.

[starter whining]

[engine revving]

[thud]

WOMAN:
Ohh!

[groaning]

Oh, great.

Corny, reach
back and get me

the pedestrian
remains kit.

Okay, got your bone saw,
got your lye, gloves,

shovel, tarp,
a couple of wet-naps.

Yep, all here.

Duckman, this is a human being
we're talking about.

Oh, fine, Mr. Every-time-
I-Hit-Someone-I-Report-It.

Be that way!

[car door closes]

Whoa-ho-ho!

These are remains
to be seen--

angelic face, flaxen hair,
muscular thighs, pouty lips,

and a pair of leaf-n-lawn-size
Cinch Sacs.

What a corpus delectable!

Just imagining her chalk outline
makes my gantry gush,

makes my beef jerky,
makes my peter Boyle,

makes my roger Mudd, makes...
Ah, Duckman,

I hate to
break it to you,
but she's not dead.

Can the denial, Corny--

especially if it interferes
with my wordplay.

Remember that she and
her tawny buttocks

have gone to a
better place.

So now let's get her to an even
better place-- my basement.

I want to get started while
she's still poseable.

[moaning]

See? She is alive.

Well, makes it more difficult,
but what worth doing isn't?

My ankle.

I think it's starting to swell.

There's a lot of that
going around.

Coming through!
Heads up!

Injured nymphet
incoming.

Ice pack and
Polaroid, stat!

Wow. She's so cute.

Can we keep her? Please?

I'll train her
and teach her to do tricks

and to fetch and go for walks.

And I'll take good care of her.

I really will. I promise.

Oh, you poor thing,
are you hurt?

What happened?

It was my fault, really.

I skated into the car.

Please don't make a fuss.

You're all so sweet.

I'm Tami--
Tami Marguilies.

Is your family new
to the neighborhood?

I lost my family
three years ago

in our cabin in Vermont.

Vermont, Kansas,
or Vermont, Missouri?

It's not my fault
I go to a public school.

Vermont, New England.

We decided to have a real
old-fashioned Christmas,

doing all
the traditional things.

[sleigh bells ringing]

And on Christmas Eve,

my dad surprised us
by renting a sleigh.

We took it out caroling.

We laughed and sang.

Oh, it was perfect--

until something
scared the horses.

One reared, another tried
to buck his rigging,

and then the sled turned over.

I was thrown clear,
but I looked up and I saw

my parents and brothers
screaming, trampled to death.

[sobbing]

♪ Jingle bells,
jingle bells. ♪

Sorry. There's
just something
about a sleigh.

After the accident,

I bounced from
one foster home to another,

and when I was 18,
I packed everything I owned

and came here to go
to the college downtown.

Is that what
those big buildings are?

I was wondering why all those
Asian kids were hanging around.

Well, speaking of kids,
yours are great--

so handsome

and polite.

Thank you, but they're
my sister's kids.

She's gone, too.

So you moved in
to take care of them?

Wow. You guys all seem
so close, it...

it makes me wish
I weren't so alone.

Well, I have to go.

I'm living at a transient hotel
with no locks on the doors,

so I can't leave my stuff
unattended too long.

Are you guys thinking
what I'm thinking?

Take off your top!

Uh, I meant
stay here with us.

[snaps fingers]

Do you mean it?

I don't want to
be in the way.

Oh, no, you won't be
in the way.

We'd love
to have you stay.

BEVERLY:
Mmm. This latte is fabulous.

I'm glad you like it.

Bev, this feels
like home already.

You're all doing
so much for me--

what with the boys
pampering me

and you being
such a good friend

and Duckman
always making sure

I have plenty of Nivea
on my thighs.

Why, this afternoon,
he's offered to make sure

my breasts are
properly aligned and lubed

so I won't hurt myself when
I jump up and down for him.

Well, I-I...

[yawns]:
Ohh!

Excuse me, oh.

Uh-oh. Looks like
someone needs

another latte pick-me-up.

Let me pour you some more.

Thanks, Ta...

[yawning]

[snoring quietly]

Good morning, Bev.

Mm... morning?

I'm afraid you've
been sleeping

since yesterday.

Oh, but don't worry.

I made you a
special eye-opener--

a double latte.

There you go.

Drinkie, drinkie.

Uh, must-- must get up.

Things to do...
is clean the garage.

Don't you worry.

Duckman and the boys
are doing it.

It was their idea.

Still so sleeeepy.

Well, here's
my handsome crew.

How's the garage coming?

Almost done.

Wow. I am
so proud of you,

and I know Bev
would be, too,

if she weren't asleep.

She sure is sleeping a lot.

She's just under the weather.

Yeah, and the forecast
is "partly sloshed."

Now, now.

Be nice.

Back to work,
you scamps.

Scoot.

[thud]
Ohh!

[Beverly groaning]

[leaves rustling]

Aaaaah!

[growling]

[screeching]

[groaning]:
Where am I?

What's happening?

I haven't felt this way
since... Wynonna Judd concert.

Oh!

No. It... it... it can't be.

[to tune of
"On Top of Old Smokey"]:
♪ Put your feathers down ♪

♪ Thrust your pelvis, huh ♪

♪ Thrust your pelvis, huh-huh ♪

♪ Thrust your pelvis, huh. ♪

[all laughing]

Fresh-squeezed
lemonade, anyone?

Love some.

Oh, uh... hi, Bev.

It's impossible.

Everybody's having fun.

They're getting along
and respecting one another.

Duckman's even put pants on!

Yes, I am wearing pants,

and lips that touch wine
will never touch them.

My God, Beverly, look
how low you've sunk.

Even I am
superior to you.

Now, now.

We must try to understand
what Beverly is going through--

a surrogate mother,
plagued by inadequacies,

feels threatened by
another female in the house

and takes solace
in substance abuse.

It's a classic story.

I'll say. Add Linda Gray
and some gratuitous v*olence,

and it's every movie
USA ever made.

But Tami knows
I haven't been drinking.

She's been with me,
giving me latte and...

I don't understand.

[mumbling]

I'm missing a button.

[hiccups]

DUCKMAN:
Old Grandpa's
Old Sour Bush?

That rot-gut sterilized
half of Little Rock.

I don't... I don't know
what's happening.

[groaning]

Charles, Mambo,

get some washcloths
from the linen closet

and make cold compresses
for your aunt.

Ajax, take poor Aunt Beverly
to bed

and give her these
special "vitamins."

Duckman,

sweetheart, I...

Did you hear that?

I called you sweetheart,

like we were married
or something.

[giggling]
[ giggling]

Color me kooky,

but something very odd
is going on around here.

Bushwa!

No, Duckman,
Cornfed is right.

I don't know how
to tell you this,

but I found Beverly in bed
with a bloody spade.

Uh, Tami, they prefer
to be called negroes.

No! One of these!

CORNFED:
Tami implied that Bev
had injured someone, or worse,

but things didn't quite add up.

If Bev had the bloody spade
in bed with her,

why was there no blood
on her nightgown, her bed

or on the dashboard
of her Bronco?

And what about Tami's family?

She said they d*ed in a freak
sleighing accident in Vermont.

Little did she know that

as a freak
sleighing accident buff,

I knew there hadn't
been any in Vermont

since the Montpelier stompings
of aught-six.

There was only one place to get
the information I needed,

but it was closed,
so I went to the library.

[Cornfed grunts]

Jumping Jehosophat.

According to
the VermontPenny Saver,

Tami's family d*ed
in a freak sleighing accident,

but it was "slaying" as in
butcher knives, not sleds.

I have to warn my friends
before it's too late.

LIBRARY PATRON:
Shh!

Sorry.

I haven't heard from Bev
in days.

I've got to figure out
what's going on back there.

TAMI:
Hi. You've reached Tami
and the Duckman family.

Tami?!

[on machine]:
Nobody can take your call
right now,

especially Beverly,
who's blind-stinking-drunk.

So please leave a message,
and I, the new surrogate mother,

will get back to you
as soon as I finish

taking her place,
which is really soon.

Wait for the moan.

[Beverly moaning]
[gasps]

Either this Tami is one of
Duckman's schizo personalities,

or there's some chick trying
to muscle in on my family!

I'm gonna fly right home

and open up a fresh jar
of Miracle Whup!

I got a bad
feeling about this.

Now, you said yourself
that this looks like the spade

of Dr. Stein's
gentle-yet-dim-witted gardener.

We've got to give it back.

What say we just chuck
the friggin' thing

and hightail it out of here
A.S.A.-Please?!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, oh, ooh!

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

[jet engine roaring]

Ohh!

Ohh!
Out of my way!

Obnoxious public official
coming through!

When's the next plane
out of here?

A crop duster
leaving from Gate 3.

I'll take it.

BERNICE:
Whoo-hoo!

[brakes screeching]

[beep]

[people chattering
in background]

MAN:
What's going on?

I can't believe

Aunt Beverly could do
something like this.

Well, when you think about it,

what kind of person just
suddenly shows up one day

and moves right into your house?

Like you suddenly
showed up and...

Kids say the darndest things.

What I meant was,

maybe your aunt
couldn't handle the strain

of raising you,
so she just snapped.

Luckily, you have me now,
and I'll never, ever let you go.

Amen. But for now, let's keep
Bev's possible involvement

on the Q.T. and
off the police blotter.

I know you kids
may be scared

having a possible
m*rder*r in the house,

but if she's sick,

we'll be the
ones who help her.

We found
this housecoat button

clenched in
the victim's fingers.

She did it!

Bev's the k*ller, right there!

CHARLES:
Please don't
hurt our aunt!

Boys, don't worry.

We'll handle this situation
with delicacy and restraint.

After all,
we're the LAPD.

Take her down.

[screaming]
[g*ns cocking]

[taser zapping]
[screaming]

[taser zapping]
[screaming]

[screaming]
Okay, boys,
break's over.

They're bringing her out.

[muffled protests]

I don't believe it.

Aunt Beverly--
a m*rder*r?!

It can't be.

Oh, let's forget about her

and enjoy
our family time together.

She knew nothing about
being part of a family.

So we'll just leave her

right out
of our family plans, right?

And if we all, as a family,
pretend she's not in the family,

then that becomes,
in and of itself,

a family thing
for a family to do.

Right, family?

Did you ever hear
a word so many times

that after a while,
it seemed to lose
all meaning?

Oh, sure...

"No."

"Stop."

"Get out."

"How dare you."

"Excuse me, I'm Catholic."

"I'm a man."

Our perfect family

is going to have
a perfect family evening

even if it kills us.

And when the dr*gs
she gave me wore off,

I realized it was
Tami all along.

The dr*gs you gave me kicked in,
and I forgot again,

but I remember now--
she's out to get my family.

We've got to stop her!

Beverly, the state doesn't
pay me according to

how much I care, or according
to how many patients I let out.

I'm paid by the hour.

So, let's delve
into your childhood, huh?

Okay.

Hyah!

[tires squealing]

Private investigator.

I need to commandeer
this vehicle.

Okay.

Right foot, red...

I'm worried about
poor Aunt Beverly.

I'm not sure
turning her in

was the right
thing to do.

The evidence against her
is flimsy at best.

You know, the least
you could do

is try to enjoy the
perfect family activity

I've arranged
for us.

But all you want to
is talk about Beverly.

Beverly, who slept all day
and neglected you

and got into a drunken stupor

and split
a nosy gardener's head open...

[gasps]

Look, Tami,
I-I got to level with you.

Please don't take this
the wrong way,

but you're really
creeping everyone out

with this family stuff.

Why? Whatever do you mean?

Well, you know.

No, I don't.

But you can tell me
anything.

We're family.

That's just it, Tami--
we're not family.

Well, I mean, we are,
but you're not.

I don't know why it took me
so long to realize it,

but Bev is our family.

At first I went along with this

because I wanted to make
some hot monkey love with you.

Then I did it
to please the boys.

Then I got back
to the hot monkey love thing

and then I started doing it

because it felt good
to be part of a family.

Then there was still
the monkey love component.

But now it's just too weird.

I think it's time
for you to move on.

[screams]

[grunts]

Uh...

[nervous chuckle]:
Problem?

[screaming]

Everything was perfect,

but you didn't seem
to appreciate it.

"Aunt Bev" this
and "Aunt Bev" that.

[panting]

[screams]

[cries out]

[stabbing sounds]

[splattering and buzzing]

[all sighing]

[yelling]

You thought I was dead,

but you're the ones
who will die!

Just like that snoopy gardener
I k*lled

before I framed Beverly
for the m*rder.

Now it's your turn.

You're not a perfect family.

Uh, is there some kind
of fine we could pay?

[cackling]

I've got to save them.

I hope I'm not too late.

[screaming]

[loud crash]

Back off, bitch!

You! You ruined...

everything!

Every time I find
the perfect family,

they always disappoint me!

Of course they do.

Because there's no such thing
as a perfect family.

It's the imperfections
that make families interesting,

that make them human.

No! Liar!

You're a li-i-i-ar!

[electrical crackling]

[gasping and sputtering]

I am not
cleaning
this up.

BEVERLY:
Good thing
that prison psychiatrist

left his pen on the desk.

Let me guess-- you used the pen
to pick the locks.

No. I used it to fill
out a requisition form

for an extra
set of keys.

You're the most radical,
Aunt Bev.

We're sorry we
ever doubted you.

It looks like I left
our little family unit

in good hands.

Well, I do
my best.

And now
it's time

to soak my
aching bod

in a hot tub.

Hey, Bev, I'm glad you're not
a drunk psycho k*ller, really.

♪ Rub-a-dub-dub ♪

♪ Duckman's in the tub ♪

♪ Ah, hey-oh. ♪

Did you miss me?!

Hi, Tami.

I mean, dwaaaah!

[melodramatic music playing]

[gurgling screams]

[gasping]

Good thing we knew
that psychotic K*llers

always return
after their apparent deaths.

Well-played!

And, Bernice,
I'll never forget

how you came
through for me.

Oh, and I'll never forget
how you brought

[yelling]:
A psycho-axe-k*ller bimbo
into my house!

Why point
fingers of blame,

or in your case, talons?

We learned
a valuable lesson here:

The best part
about being a family

is finding people
you want to k*ll,

then working together
to k*ll them.

Come on, kids,
it's IHOP time.

♪ Thrust your feathers down ♪

♪ Thrust your pelvis, huh ♪

♪ Thrust your pelvis, huh-huh ♪

♪ Thrust your pelvis, huh ♪

♪ Thrust your feathers down ♪

♪ Thrust your pelvis, huh ♪

♪ Thrust your pelvis, huh-huh ♪

♪ Thrust your pelvis, huh ♪

[laughter]

[snoring]

[loud gulp]

BUS DRIVER:
Okay.