03x09 - The Girls of Route Canal

[bunniefuu]

[whistles]

[grunting]

Hmm.

Just where Dad said it would be.

Oy, this could be dangerous.

I think I'll lean
against this metal plate.

[Ajax screaming]

Good work, Ajax!

Keep holding her right there!

Um...

Dad?

We have something
very important

to talk to you about.

And I'd love to talk to you
about it, beloved children.

It's just that right now

there's a special I want
to catch on A&E.

It's the monster truck
wrestle death match!

Darn! Cousteau's
preempted again?!

Duckman, your children are
coming to you for advice.

Don't you know what that means?

They're sick!
They need therapy, now!

But, Aunt Bernice,

it's something Dad
can help us with.

You see, we have
women problems.

So you want
to talk to...

[laughing]

You actually want to...

[laughing]

You mean...

[screeching laughter]

Bray on, MacButt.

As it happens, your father
will gladly share

his worldly wisdom
on the subject

of the I'd-normally-say-fairer-

except-I'm-in-the-same-room-
as-your-Aunt-Bernice sex,

but these pay-per-view events
are on four times a day

and I'm saving 39.95
every time I watch--

pirated cable,
no one's the wiser.

We have a code blue!

Code blue in 897-b!
Scramble!

[all gasp, glass breaking]

[expl*si*n]

[troops quick marching outside]

So, what seems to be
the trouble?

It's Amanda.

And Alexis.

The most beautiful girls
in the world!

We think about them
all the time.

We dream of being
their boyfriends now

in high school and maybe
even going to college

to matriculate with them.

Aah!

That's for the idiotic,
tasteless, puerile remark

you were about to make.

What we're getting
to, Dad, is Mom.

She was wonderful--

the most incredible
woman ever, right?

So we figured,
who better to ask than you

about winning
the love of your life?

Good point.

The idea that

someone like you could
get someone like her...

Uh, yeah, I see what you mean.

I mean, you,
of all people!

Yes, well...

You must know
more than anybody

about overcoming
insurmountable,

impossible,
overwhelming
odds to win...

I get the point!

I would be pleased
to tell you the tale

of the greatest, purest love
the world has ever known.

Well, got to run!

Every time Duckman talks
about marrying my sister,

that's my cue
to vomit till I pass out.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Smell-Vis has left the building.

Okay, kiddles,
settle in by my webs

and let me take
you back to the days

when I was a carefree romantic

roaming the glorious
back roads of America.

Miserable, stinking,

pot-holed, cow-pie-
and-road-apple-covered

flattened-animal-guts-everywhere
you look back roads of America!

Take one wrong turn and you
end up in the middle of bumfu...

[screaming]

[brakes squealing]

[yells]

[mooing]

[thumping]

[glass shattering]
[gasps]

[birds chirping]

[deep, slow-motion voice]:
Are you all right?

[deep, slow motion voice]:
Fine, fine.

Sorry about your cow.

CHARLES:
Hey, Dad, can you speed this up
a little?

DUCKMAN:
Oh, right. Sorry.

[yells]

I'm, uh...

I-I-I'm Duckman.

Wh-What's your name?

I'm... Beatrice.

I don't know where you're going,

but it looks like
you could use a lift.

Oh, really,
I don't mind driving.

It's the least I can do
after hitting your cow.

[chuckles]
It's not like
it was your fault.

It was just one of those

one-in-a-million things
that could never happen a...

[both screaming]

[crashing]

DUCKMAN:
And then, kids,

I did something I never
did before with a woman--

something that took me
to new levels of ecstasy.

Dad!
Dad!

I listened to her.

[relieved sighs]

I'm actually
not from Iowa.

I grew up in
a place far away

with a way of life
that was so different...

even primitive.

[sighing]: Sometimes
I really miss North Dakota.

What brings you
to Route Canal?

A magazine sent me to photograph
old, covered bridges.

'Course the only thing
stupider than

reading a book
about covered bridges

or seeing a movie
about covered bridges

is taking pictures
of covered bridges,

so I'm working
on a little project of my own.

What?

Nudie playing cards.

Classy--
not the cheap kind.

We are hoping to hold
the price under a dollar.

Nudie playing cards?

Yeah. You know,
big, busty women

with diamonds and spades,
and... and...

heh-heh... heh.

What an idiot I was,

thinking I could talk
about that to a woman like her.

Like... the Farstreig deck?

The '34?

I was thinking '32.

His ten of clubs
was a classic.

But how do you...?

Papa. He taught Playing
Cards and the Human Form

at the local university.

In fact, you kind
of remind me of him.

And that was it.

That was the moment I knew...

she was the one.

[yells]

Oh!

[laughing]

Ooh, look!

You, uh, thinking
what I'm thinking?

Uh-huh.

I can't believe it--
a story from Dad's past

that didn't involve the phrase
"morals charge."

And one that actually
taught us something.

Come on. Let's go and
win our true loves.

We were so in love,
we didn't even mind

when the Frog Society brought
us up on that morals charge.

[gasping]

There they are!

[sighing]

When did we first realize

that Amanda and Alexis
were the girls for us?

Who can say?

Maybe it was
something they said,

something they wore,
the way they moved.

Um, hi.

I'm Mambo, and
this is Charles.

And, um...

We think
you're neat.

[groaning]
[gasping]

Hiya, sweetmeats!

Excuse our dust,
short and nerdy.

Yeah, we said we'd take you to
the malt shop, and here we are.

[door kicked open]

Thanks a lot, Dad.

Not only did your
inspirational tale

fail to win us the hearts
of the girls we love,

it led to our complete
and total humiliation.

Now we're filled
with self-pity,

self-doubt
and self-hatred.

Boys, welcome to adulthood.

Next stop--
car payments and flaccidity.

That's the last time
we take romantic advice

from a man who thinks
Dickinson and Wadsworth

are p*rn stars.

I'm sorry.

I'm not quite
following you.

Anyway, if you let me
continue my flashback,

maybe you two could
learn something yet.

The next few days
with your mother

seemed like Nine 1/2 Weeks.

Strawberries...

ice...

olives.

These sundry tastes
and textures

will lead
to an erotic awakening.

[shuddering moan]

[chuckles]

[gulps]

Oh, yeah!

[gulps, teeth chattering]

Oh, sweet Jesus!

[orgasmic shivering]

[slow waltz playing]

BEATRICE:
Step-- one, two.

Step-- one, two.

Step-- one, two.

See? This isn't
so difficult.

You're very
graceful, Duckman.

Very gentle.

Now it's time to teach you
my kind of dance.

♪ You put your down down ♪

♪ And thrust your pelvis, huh! ♪

♪ And thrust
your pelvis, huh! ♪

♪ And thrust your pelvis, huh! ♪

♪ And thrust
your pelvis, huh... ♪

[gulps] Uh...

[gulps] I...

Well, uh...

in all my life,

I've never felt this way
towards another man.

Me, neither.

Well, maybe once,
but I was a kid,

and there was
a lollipop in it for me.

Duckman, you're so alive.

I've never met
anyone like you.

If you want me to stop,
tell me now.

Make love to me, Duckman.

Wow!

It's never been that good!

Duckman, I'm ready.

Take me!

DUCKMAN:
That was the happiest time
of my life

until one day...

[burps]

With each fall
of the leaves,

my love for you grows
deeper and stronger,

but there's something
I must tell you.

Okay, okay.
From now on,

I'll use neutralizer spray
afterwards.
Hmm?

Well, o-okay, but what
I want to say is...

[car approaching]
[gasps]

Honey, I'm home.

Richard!

My love, how I've missed you.

Hey! I didn't know
you had a brother.

Richard's not my brother.
He's my...

No, no, no! Wait!

Let me guess.

I love guessing.

Your pool guy? Your gardener?
Your neighbor?

Your very friendly
cable repairman?

Richard is my... husband.

[whimpers]

I'm sorry I'm a few
days early, honey.

After our prize sow took the
blue ribbon in the state fair,

and I set it free
because I can't bear

seeing any living thing
slaughtered.

I helped the Amish
raise a few barns,

taught some construction workers
how to read

and gave sponge baths
to a nice group of lepers.

But through it all,

I kept seeing your
sweet face, Beatrice.

I had to come home early.

Your love is everything to me.

If anyone ever came
between us, it would...

it would k*ll me.

It would just k*ll me.

Forgive my manners.

I'm Richard,
Beatrice's loving husband,

and you are...?

Uh... I'm-I'm, uh...

Well, y-you know. Uh...

[quietly]:
I'm-I'm nobody.

Good-bye.

You mean she was married?

Yup. I was squeezing the melons
in the forbidden fruit section,

dropping coins
in somebody else's meter,

burying my bone in the
neighbor's backyard, plowing...

MAMBO:
Okay, okay.

So what'd you do?

[quickly]:
Plowing the wrong field.
Heh-heh.

Then I set off
wandering again.

I was just another broken heart
in the Heartland.

But as the weeks went by,
I realized Beatrice's love

was the only thing
that could make me whole again,

and that Richard was just
a hurdle, a stumbling block,

one of those electric fences
around a girls' dormitory.

In short-- an obstacle
that I'd have to overcome.

As I walked back, I practiced
how I was going to tell Richard

that I was in love
with his wife.

I wanted to break the news
to him delicately.

Duckman,
what a wonderful surprise.

Richard, I'm in love
with your wife.

In fact, I have been

since the first moment
I laid eyes on her.

I'm sorry, Richard,
but my love for Beatrice

is like
the strong prairie winds,

which blow unchecked
by man or beast,

the mighty oak
that grows stronger

with each passing rain,

the snow-capped peaks
that tower above all else

since time immemorial.

Duckman, your eloquence
has moved me.

I'll leave.

CHARLES:
Dad, are you sure
that's the way it happened?

DUCKMAN:
Well... I may have changed
a few details.

Duckman,
what a wonderful surprise.

Richard, I'm in love
with your wife.

[groaning]
Oh!

Huh... he did say
it would k*ll him.

Don't die!
You can't die!

I loved Beatrice
even before I slept with her.

My heart!

[gasping]

Wait, damn you!
I haven't finished!

I rehearsed and everything.

Come on.

It's not like we used your bed.

Just your floor, dining room
table, workbench, hayloft...

[groaning]

Wait! No!

I got to share this
with someone!

Clear!
[screams]

She said I was the
best she ever had!

[raspy gasping]

What? The coroner ruled
it was natural causes,

but for an extra ten bucks,
he also ruled I had d*ed in '68.

[chuckling] Eight years
of parking violations, good-bye.

So the lesson here--

if we ignore all the criminal
and inhumane elements--

is that we can succeed
by confronting

and thereby overcoming
our obstacles.

Hey. You have your spin
and I have mine.

Me, if you're going
to have an affair,

make sure her husband
has a heart condition.

[gasping]:
There they are, Mambo.

The Holy Grails
of womanhood.

Be still, our heart.

And there they are.

Tweedle-dum
and Tweedle-dumber.

Come on.

It's time to confront
our obstacles

and overcome them
just like Dad.

Hey, McGarrigles.

We've got something
to say to you.

We're in love
with your girlfriends.

They didn't die.

What do we do now?

[groaning and yelling]

Don't say a word.

I understand perfectly.

You're at an age

where you're curious
about alternative lifestyles,

but I'd go easy
on the pastel shadows.

Blend if you're going
to rev up the Revlon.

I've got some light Egyptian
foundation you might like.

Maybe tawny bronze.

You're autumns, right?

Dad, this isn't makeup.

Oh.
[chuckles]

Yeah, right.

We took your advice, Dad,
and we got b*at up.

How do we deal
with the girls now?

Easy. Left hook to the ribs,
followed by a stiff upper cut.

Women have no answer
for a solid...
No, Dad.

The McGarrigle twins
b*at us up.

So what? I've been beaten up
so many times,

some people think
it's affected my memory.

Yeah, what was my point?

Oh, yeah. Never give up.

You got to keep trying.

Easy for you to say.

Putting aside
Judeo-Christian morality

as you've apparently
done your whole life.

Richard's death solved
your whole problem, right?

Far from it.

It was at Richard's funeral
that my problems began.

I had to see her one more time,

but I knew
I couldn't see her there.

I felt Richard deserved
his privacy and dignity.

[gasps]

Ohh!

D-ohh!

I went back to the creek

where we both fell in
that first, fateful day,

figuring she'd go there
after the funeral.

I waited and waited.

But she obviously
wasn't coming.

I knew she'd have
to leave Route Canal,

maybe even the country.

Still, I was determined
to see her again.

The question was:
Where could she be?

Geez, Louise,

it's hotter than that Thai food
Beatrice likes so much...

Thai food.

I know where she is!

Do you speak English?

I'm looking for this woman!

Damn. Wait.

Beatrice mentioned how much
she liked Russian dressing.

Do you speak English?

I'm looking for this woman!

Damn! Wait.

I know. Beatrice liked the
Spanish fly I slipped her.

My only leads were things
I remembered she loved--

Swiss Miss, prune Danish,

turkey sandwiches,
French kissing,

Michael Jordan, scotch.

I hit rock bottom

when I couldn't find a country
with the initials "K.Y."

I finally ended up in a savage,
festering, scum-soaked cesspool

of filth and misery

where the living
envied the dead.

Excuse me. I'm looking...

Ah, it's no use.

I've searched so long
and still can't find her.

I wonder if there are people
who search for a living.

[people applauding
and cheering]

I'm just a baggage handler,

but I am going to the Barbizon
Detective College at night.

Maybe I could...
Hey, buddy, stick
a valise in it.

I tried the boot country
and the mitten-shaped one

and the one that looks
kind of like an anvil...

Did you look
in her house?

Butt out, you
Samsonite Delilah!

I just realized I never
looked in her house.

He-He-Hey, deducing is fun.

If you like deducing, maybe
you should become a detective.

Cripes! Shut your hole!

I'm just a flat-broke
detective wanna-be.

How am I going
to get to Iowa?

I moonlight driving
a big rig to Iowa.

Want a ride?

If you yammer,
you walk.

Fair enough.

Here you go, mister...

Hey, I said dummy up!

Duckman, you're back!

I've been looking
everywhere for you.

Where'd you go?

Go?

Well, the funeral ended at


and I went straight
to the bridge by the creek

where we both fell in.

I just had a feeling
you'd be there.

Dumb, huh?

Well... [chuckles]
I forgive you.

I loved Richard, but I was
neverinlove with him.

After he d*ed
so mysteriously...

I should've looked for you,

but your spirit is so free.

I didn't want to tame
the wild animal that is you.

It would be wrong of me
to restrain you,

cage you, tie you down.

BOTH:
I pay big money
for that back home.

[both share a laugh]

Oh, Beatrice,
everywhere I went,

I... I played this moment
a million times in my head,

imagining what it
would feel like

when I finally found you,

but now that I have,

I... I never thought
it would feel like this.

Why? What does it feel like?

Home.

Well, I can see what
you've been doing

while I was gone.

[chuckles]
You know,

"all you can eat"
is not a challenge.

I mean, even a train
stops sometimes.

No, silly.
I'm having a baby.

Our baby.

Our son.

A son?

What should we name him?

I've always liked
the name "Hef."

If it's okay, I'd like
to name him after the thing

that brought the most
happiness into my life.

[horn honks twice]

[sniffles]

Well, that's the way
it happened.

Now's the part

where you make some smart remark
about how dumb I am,

and I get insulted
by your aunt

and then take it out
on other unsuspecting people

by ranting at them
for no reason.

Whoa, Dod.

We love you, Dad.

You're the best.

Thanks, guys.

I sure love you, too.

And we're not
going to quit

until we have a date
with Amanda and Alexis.

Go get 'em.

[door opens, then closes]

Okay, getting heavy, son.

Charles, Mambo!
Oh, we expected...

The McGarrigles?

I'm afraid Immigration
finally deported

those illegal aliens
back to Albania.

But the McGarrigles
aren't Albanian.

Must be computer
error, eh, Chaz?

Could take years
to work out.

Anyway, uh...

I really like you, Amanda,

and, well, would you
go out with me tonight?

And, Alexis,
I think you're great.

Would you go out
with me tonight?

We'd love to!
We'd love to!

Our dad says when you
have feelings for someone,

never give up.

ALEXIS:
He must be smart, huh?

When it comes to love,

he's the smartest man we know.

CHARLES:
The Holy Grails of womanhood.