03x03 - Grandma-ma's Flatulent Adventure

[bunniefuu]

[ door creaking ]

[ whistles ]

[ quacks ]

[ loud crunching ]

Not only is the cereal chock-
full of plastic-y goodness,

but I find the toy
to be most engaging.

DUCKMAN:
Whoo-hoo!

Hee! No breakfast
for this champion!

Yours truly

has finally collected


Li Yum's Topless p*rn
Chinese Food Emporium,

and I'm now entitled
to two free steamed buns

specially prepared and presented
[ whooping ]

by topless female chefs!

Aren't you
forgetting
something?

I don't think so.
Opera glasses,

bail money, hung-yung-guy jokes,
spermicide-treated bib.

Stick 'em back in
your pants, duckhead!

You're forgetting that

today is your day
to take care of...

[ farting ]

Nuh-uh! No way!

Not if you tied my tongue
to your tailpipe

and dragged me


over a field of broken glass.

Intriguing, but does it have

to be your tongue
I tie to the tailpipe?

But this isn't fair!

It can't be my turn again!

I just baby-sat Grandma-Ma
last week!

You used her as an anchor

to keep your car cover
from blowing away!

Hey, I paid six bucks
for that thing.

Stuff it,
you feathered road apple!

I've been telling you
about this for days.

Here's your list
of things to do.

Grandma-Ma gets one worm
suppository every two hours,

her carbuncle salve

and ear-hair trim
every three hours

and Epsom salt rectal-rash
cleansings as needed.

Wait a minute.
That's it?!

You're all off
to your glamorous lives

while I'm stuck
holding the old bag?

You know what a problem
she's been lately!

You can't turn away long enough
to watch a bra commercial

without her getting
into some kind of trouble.

You're exaggerating.

Now do it, or they'll
be identifying you

by your dental records!

Ta-ta!

[ door closes ]

[ groans ]

[ plate smashing ]

[ whimpers ]

[ crying ]

[ doorbell buzzes ]

[ gasps ]

WOMAN:
Excuse me, sir.

Salvation can be yours

if you spare a few minutes
for a missionary.

Hallelujah!

Missionary will be just fine,

long as it ends
in an East Highland squat

with a Polish dismount.

Save me, sister!

Lay your hands upon me
and let the healing begin.

Okay, it worked!

I'll stop going
door to door,

bothering people
at their homes.

W-W-Wait! I was serious!

And I'm very religious!

I know all six
of the commandments

and I'm a big fan
of Oral Roberts!

I see her 25 cent loops

in the art theater
by the airport all the time.

And thank you so much
for coming.

You can count on
my tithings.

What's going on here,
Duckman?

Where's Grandma-Ma?!

Bernice, please.
Have a little faith.

Grandma-Ma practically
takes care of herself...

[ tires squealing,
crash ]

[ Bernice screams ]

[ chuckles ]

...in her own unique way.

Piece of advice--
based on my experience,

your mother may
have reached a point

where she's not
safe at home.

In my opinion, she might be
better off in a rest home.

What?! No mother of mine
is going to a rest home!

Now, Bernice, hold on.

You might want to
hear the man out--

and my only motivation
in saying that

is to get that smelly old sow
out of my friggin' hair!

Damn sodium pentothal
flashbacks.

[ screams ]

Wait! Aunt Bernice!

Let's hope this becomes
another repressed memory,

but we actually
agree with Dad.

What?!
What?!

As the only male figures

who can be counted on
for their family's survival,

Charles and I face
mounting responsibilities

which prevent us
from giving Grandma-Ma

the help and care she
so rightly deserves.

Plus, I've
reached the age

where most of
my waking hours

are devoted to--

how to put this
in acceptable terms--

working the wiggler.

Look, I know Grandma-Ma's
a lot of work

but we can't
just ship her off.

Besides,
this family can tend to her

as well as any
health care professionals.

Right, Grandma-Ma?

I guess it wouldn't hurt

to check out
a few nursing homes.

DUCKMAN:
who says the elderly
can't be useful?

This place
looks ideal, Bernice.

Activities galore
and it's affordable.

Back to the pit,
Liebermann!

What?! I'm not one of
your incontinent inmates!

I'm Duck--
[ muffled yelling]

[ muffled screaming ]

Let's get
out of here!

My mother's
not staying

at any place that
would take Duckman.

[ man wheezing ]

WOMAN:
At Campo 'D' Nile, you're
as young as we say you are.

That's why we insist
our residents--

or "dudes" and "babes,"
as we call 'em--

live life to the fullest!

Chest pains...

need heart pills.

Oh, catch a wave,
Mr. Tupperman!

It's nothing a little
bungee jumping can't cure!

[ screams ]

And I think
we have a vacancy!

It's beautiful,
but where are all the residents?

[ chuckles ]

The, uh, residents. Yes.

Um... we here

at Soylent Greens

have found the proper place
for the elderly in our society--

"nourishing," shall we say,

the younger
and healthier among us.

Please enjoy our
complimentary buffet.

Ooh!

[ retching ]
[ retching ]

What? You act like
it's someone you know.

[ family continues retching ]

[ all sniffling and sobbing ]

Don't worry, Mom.

You're going to love
Happydale.

I think this is the hardest
thing I've ever done,

but when I was growing up,

you made sure I had
the best care.

I just want
the same for you.

I hope you
understand.

And I think I speak
for everyone

when I say nobody really
wants to see you go.

[ car horn honks ]

Shake a leg, Grammy!
The meter's running!

Look, you and I have had our
differences in the past.

I haven't been that
attentive a son-in-law.

Sometimes, I put my pleasure
before your needs. D-ah!

Well, a little late
to change now.

A couple of free
steamed buns

a la nude,
coming up!

Ah.

Oh, no!

This is horrible!

Somebody stole my car!

And my CD player!

And my new Vac-U-Jac!

And my matching drink holders!

And my custom floor mats!

Ah! Oh, no, no, no!

I didn't even realize!

How could I have missed it?!

They took
my beanbag hump caddie, too!

And my ashtrays!

And my sun visor!

And my maps and dice

and my compass
that always points east!

Grab my Wendy Whoppers
contoured soap-on-a-rope

and I'm on a freighter
to the Galapagos

faster than you
can say... Bernice!

[yawning]:
Well, I know I'm bushed.

I'll just be heading
off to bed.

Grandma-Ma loves
the new home.

Couldn't fart
enough about it.

And now, since you know
everything there is to know

about everything
there is to know

toodle-oo and cheerio.

The rest home
called ten minutes ago

wondering where
Grandma-Ma was.

Oh, right!

[ laughing ]

It's actually
quite a funny story,

once you get past
all the tragic elements

and overriding
sense of doom.

Duckman!!

Okay! All right!
I got out of the car

to... to...
save this, uh...

orphan-- yeah, from that, uh,
fire at that, uh, place

where the orphans stay,
and when I turned around,

Grandma-Ma and the
car were gone.

But don't you worry a hair
on your pretty little back,

I read somewhere you can
drop 'em off 100 miles away,

and they'll sniff
their way home.

Oh, Duckman--

silly-mixed-up-possibly-
seconds-left-to-live-Duckman--

I think you're
confusing Grandma-Ma...

with a dog!

We're talking
about my mother!

And if you prefer keeping

those limbs,
appendages and orifices

exactly where they are,
you'll find her, pronto!

This is it, Corny-- the place
where the nightmare started

where this whole
unavoidable tragedy began.

Where someone was trying
to get a few free baked buns

while leaving an old woman
unattended in the car,

in a bad neighborhood,

with the keys
still in the ignition,

the engine idling,
and the doors unlocked?

Not even close.

The buns were steamed.

Now, if we could get
back to reality.

All right, Gecko, time to earn
your Christmas bowl of water.

Here's a piece of cloth from
one of Grandma-Ma's dresses,

reeking with
her tangy bouquet.

Do your stuff, fella.

He's got the scent, Corny.

He's found her trail.

[ cows mooing ]

[ sniffing ]

I don't get it, Corny.

Why would Grandma-Ma
come out here

to the backwoods
of Vermont?

[ gasps ]

Howdy! You boys
from Guinness?

I knew you'd show up
one day.

Well, there she is--

the world's largest
pile of dung.

Taken me 46 years
to collect it.

Lost a wife in the process.

She never understood how,
sometimes, all a man has

is what he puts together
with his own two hands.

Lemonade?

DUCKMAN:
Trail's cooling, Corny.

If only we knew
where she was right now...

if only there were some way

to visually recap
what exactly happened...

[ farts ]

[ train whistle blowing ]

[ laughter and cheering ]

[ conga music playing ]

[ all whooping ]

[ radio playing
romantic music ]

[ yawns ]

[ farts ]

[ panting ]

The congo.

This time,
Gecko's gone too far.

Can't go on.

Pack too heavy.

Good-bye, old friend.

Okay, I'll carry
the curly straws.

[ clicking tongue ]

[ clicking tongue ]

[ clicks
"Shave and a Haircut" ]

[ laughing ]

Just a little Kikuyu
I picked up

while eavesdropping
during bus rides to work.

This is Gubando, leader
of the Methusalada

a tribe built entirely upon
reverence for the elderly.

The elderly?!

Of all the ridiculous,
boneheaded, ignoramus things

to build a tribe on.

He also speaks English.

That is not one of them--
in fact,

I'm sure old
guano and me

share a healthy appreciation
for older women.

I always say the older the
cushion, the better the...

[ nervous laugh ]

We'll-We'll swap
stories later.

To us, age is an accomplishment,
not a flaw.

We admire the elderly
for their wisdom and experience.

Of course,
like any other society,

we experience
discrimination based on age.

For instance, it's
much harder to get
a good job in this tribe

if you're under 60.

And here is
our temple of worship.

Many years ago,
a prophet predicted

that a goddess would
float down the river

and yesterday,
that goddess arrived.

Grandma-Ma!

Hey, listen, Giuseppe,
that's no goddess.

That's my mother-in-law,
and we're taking her with us.

[ screams ]

Our ancestral home
of 10,000 years,

destroyed!

Thank heavens for that condo
in Fort Lauderdale.

Corny,
Corny, Corny!

I'm all for
taking liberties,

but it happens to be
against the law
with unconscious women,

at least, according to
that uptight judge
who gave me...

Duckman, she's been frozen
for an extended period of time.

I'm not getting a heartbeat.

What are you
talking about?

Cornfed, wh-why
are you, uh...?

I'm sorry, Duckman.

Grandma-Ma is dead.

Dead?

[ crying ]

[ sighs ]

[ jaunty whistling ]

Oh, that's great.

Why don't we all just sit around

and point fingers
at one another,

trying desperately to figure out
who's to blame?

ALL:
You're to blame.

Okay, that was fun.

Though I was thinking
it would take a tad longer.

Look, I'll have you know,
I cared about her too,

and because I did,
I was on my way out

to personally make all
the funeral arrangements myself.

I want to make sure Grandma-Ma
gets the respectful

and dignified sendoff
she deserves.

Top o' the morning
to ya.

I'm looking for something
in the affordable range.

Maybe a buy-the-cardboard,
built-it-yourself kind of thing

or some sort of group discount--
maybe cut us a deal

if we bury her with
a busload of Shriners

that went off a cliff
or something.

Hey, I know you.

You sold me that home
security system

that almost k*lled
my whole family!

"Almost" doesn't do me
a lot of good here,
now, does it?

[ laughing ]

Tetzloff.
Terry "Duke" Tetzloff.

And I'm on to new
horizons, Mr. Duckman,

due to a valuable lesson I've
learned about today's world.

There is no security anymore--

only all kinds of ugly, painful

and completely random ways
to die.

Well, enough shop talk--
back to your grief

and what you're
willing to spend on it.

Uh, listen, normally,
I wouldn't cheap out

on something as public
as a funeral.

Excellent!

Most people think
how much they spend

on someone's funeral

shows the rest of the
world how much they
loved the deceased

when they were
still alive.

They do?

Absolutely!

Of course, those
people are afraid

they could never
live down the guilt

of a lifetime of
shabby treatment

which perhaps may have even
been somehow responsible

for the person's death.

[ clearing throat ]

Losers.

So, uh, just out of
morbid curiosity, of course,

is there something
you show those people
when they come in?

[ celestial music plays ]

"Death Rest Deluxe."

An entire package,
including flowers, candles,

a complete make-over
for the corpse

at Rodin's of Beverly Hills

a short, whimsical little film
on the dearly departed's life

done in Emmy Award-winning
Claymation,

and an appearance
by a dignitary--

this month's special
being Andy Rooney

for an extra $20,000--

$30,000 if you don't
want him to speak.

Can we do any better
on the price of the speaker?

Well, for 58 bucks plus
bus fare, you can get
Joe Piscopo.

Done and done.
I'll take the works

but only if you throw in

one of those neat little
refrigerator magnets
shaped like a coffin.

Ha, you're too shrewd
for me, Mr. Duckman.

Spend in peace.

Oh, this is so horrible.

Oh, it was
such a tragic demise

and can you believe it?

The beast who's
actually responsible

for that poor woman's
death is here.

[ sobbing ]

Which one is he?

I'm pretty sure
it's the pig.

Well,
now that everyone's gathered

shall we let
the mourning begin?

In this hour of sadness,

it warms my heart
to see before me

my mother's many relatives.

Friends... K*llers...

I'd like to start by sharing

some fond remembrances
of Grandma-Ma.

As you know,
she was born in...

[ snoring ]

What do I miss most
about her?

I remember I left her outside
in the rain once.

[ all gasp ]

She got wet and stinky,

and goo started
coming out of her ears.

[ all gasp ]

So I threw her real hard
up against the wall.

[ all gasp ]

Ajax, I think you're

confusing Grandma-Ma
with your Mr. Bunny Doll.

Oh. Right.

Grandma-Ma.

I remember I left her
outside in the rain once...

Well, this has been touching.

Do we have any more sad

and/or pathetic memories
anyone would like to share?

How about you,
Mr. Duckman?

Well, okay.

I guess I can talk about, uh...

that time at my wedding.

It was, of course,
a beautiful day.

I was the epitome
of class and distinction.

Lawd have mercy.

Good gawd, y'all.

Let's y'all get up
and get down

by doing the "Funky Duckman."

♪ You let your down down,
you thrust your pelvis, huh ♪

♪ You thrust your pelvis, huh ♪

♪ You thrust
your pelvis, huh ♪

♪ You thrust your pelvis, huh. ♪

Then Grandma-Ma came over
and whispered

the strangest thing in my ear.

She said, "Eat more cheese."

I didn't know what she meant,
so I continued

my unique,
Bob Fosse-like styling.

♪ You thrust your pelvis, huh ♪

♪ You thrust
your pelvis, huh ♪

♪ You thrust your pelvis, huh,
you thrust your pelvis, huh ♪

♪ You thrust
your pelvis, huh ♪

♪You thrust your pelvis, huh ♪

♪ You thrust your pelvis,
huh... ♪

Wait a second-- Grandma-Ma
didn't say, "Eat more cheese."

She said something just like it.

It's easy to see how
I could've confused the two.

Duckman, even though
almost everyone else

sees you as just some
psychotic street urchin,

you're not fooling me.

This horribly obnoxious
act of yours

is merely a defense.

Deep down, you feel

you're not deserving
of anyone's love.

Well, you're wrong.

Welcome to our
family, Duckman.

You are loved.

She... loved me.

Grandma-Ma loved me

but, now she's gone.

What the hell?

Sorry. Hated to wake you
from your reverie.

You've been standing there
for almost an hour.

It turns out you need a license
to run a funeral home,

so I set up
this video arcade instead.

You'll have to leave now,
you're scaring the children.

[ crying ]

[ bass voice ]:
♪ Let one go, sweet Grandma-Ma ♪

♪ You're gassing 'em in heaven
right now... ♪

♪ Let one go, sweet Grandma-Ma ♪

♪ You're gassing 'em in heaven
and how... ♪

[ humming ]

Wait! I didn't say good-bye!

I didn't tell her I loved her,

and all this time, she loved me.

[ sobbing ]

Good-bye,
Grandma-Ma.

We'll never
forget you.

Nor you, Dad.

I'm sorry, Grandma-Ma!

I'm sorry for leaving you
in the car

and for using you to prop
the garage door open

and for making you the backstop
at the boys' baseball games...

[ deep rumbling ]

You're alive!

[ farting ]

This is wonderful! The whole
family's back together!

[ Duckman screaming ]

What was the Great Beyond
like, Grandma-Ma?

Did you go down
a long, white tunnel?

Was Casper truly
as friendly as they say?

Kids, my guess is Grandma-Ma
was never really dead.

She was merely
cryogenically frozen

into a state of
suspended animation,

and, as contrived
and convenient as it sounds,

it took several days

for her to come around
after she thawed.

Who cares?
Grandma-Ma's back

and we're never
going to send her away again.

I'm sure the only reason
she'd been so difficult lately,

was because
we were ignoring her.

[ coughing ]

And I, Duckman,
ignored her worst of all

callously forgetting
how she really felt.

Forgive me, Mother-In-Law.

Now, in honor of your return,
I offer this celebratory dance.

♪ You let your down down ♪

♪ You thrust your pelvis, huh,
you thrust your pelvis, huh ♪

♪ You thrust
your pelvis, huh ♪

♪ You thrust
your pelvis, huh ♪

♪ You thrust your
pelvis...♪

GRANDMA-MA:
I hate that guy.

♪ Huh! You thrust
your pelvis, huh... ♪

♪ You thrust your pelvis,
huh♪

♪ You thrust
your pelvis, huh ♪

♪ You thrust... ♪