Oh, God! You Devil (1984)

[bunniefuu]

["As Time Goes By" fanfare]

[sirens blaring]

What?

He's making noises.

I'm gonna go take a look.

[child whimpering]

Hey Bobby.

What is it, son?

Are you hot?

What's the matter, honey?

Tell you what, let's just cool off, okay?

There we go.

Get a little water.

God, make him well.

He's had everything.

Measles, mumps, but this
fever, I don't know, it's bad.

Please take care of him,
please, I love him so much.

Thank you.

♪ I got the horse right here,
his name is Paul Revere ♪

♪ And here's a guy who says
if the weathers clear ♪

♪ Can do, can do ♪

♪ This guy says the horse can do ♪

♪ If he says the horse
can do, can do, can do ♪

[dramatic music]

Everybody wants help, oh well.

I hope he isn't gonna be
another disappointment.

[dramatic music]

[upbeat music]

[Man] Hey, Bobby.

[upbeat music]

Hold the elevator!

You are too young to be retired.

It's not healthy.

You're absolutely right.

Bye, darling.

[upbeat music]

[Wendy] Hi, it's me.

I'm just calling about dinner plans.

I'm at the office, bye.

[phone rings]

[Wendy] Excuse me, Wendy Shelton.

Can you talk?

Uh, not right now, I have people.

Can't take no more.

Stuck his hand up the teacher's dress.

Aren't you supposed
to be at Charlie Gray's?

I was looking for something.

Listen, I know they're
going to like your music.

His father was the same way.

[Wendy] Good luck, and call me
when you know something.

Great, I love you, too.

Bye.

Is your husband a bum, too?

He works at home.

He's a songwriter and musician.

They're all musicians, ain't they?

[piano music]

Let this be the one.

Please, let this be my break.

[wind whistling]

[Hotel Manager] The worst in 15 years.

Absolutely.

Yeah, good luck to you, too.

What?

Room 211 wants to check out.

Tomorrow morning, if it clears.

He wants to check out now.

Now?

He insists, he's an older gentleman.

Tell him it's out of the question.

Nobody leaves the building.

The National Guard...

I told him all that.

Makes no difference, he
wants his bill drawn up.

Absolutely not.

Could you talk to him, Dave?

He's a difficult character.

For Pete's sake, I haven't
got time for this nonsense!

This guy's a weirdo, Dave, talk to him.

All right, all right, I'll talk to him

and don't call me Dave!

What's this idiot's name?

Tophet, Harry Tophet.

Tophet.

[door knocks]

Mr. Tophet.

[door knocks]

Mr. Tophet, this is the manager.

Come on in.

Nice weather, huh?

Mr. Tophet...

[Tophet] I'll need my
car in about ten minutes.

I told him the roads
were closed, the cops...

Mr. Tophet...

Call me Harry, and I've never met

a cop yet who couldn't use an extra $20.

Listen, six people have
already d*ed in this storm.

Good, good, good, good, good.

I don't want to be
responsible for another.

Mr. Tophet I'm going to insist

that you remain in this hotel.

You're not insisting anything.

[eerie music]

What the hell was that?

Get Mr. Tophet's car.

What the hell was that?

Get his car, get his car.

Get his car.

I love to scare the hell out of people.

[Tophet chuckles]

Monroe, I'd like to speak to Arnie.

Yeah, this is Charlie.

Arnie.

Let me tell you why I called.

You guessed?

You're a mind reader, you know that?

He guessed.

He must be a mind reader.

So you listened to it last night?

And what do you think?

Sure I want you to be honest with me.

You hated the tape, huh?

No, no, listen.

Why b*at around the bush, right?

Christ!

You thought the lyrics
were a little too highbrow, uh huh?

Too highbrow for him, that jerk!

Please be quiet.

No, there I disagree with you.

I think he has a good voice.

Not great.

I have to listen to this?

It's the only way you learn.

Learn what?

Arnie, if you don't want
it, you don't want it.

We go back a long way, right?

Six months.

I respect you.

You respect...

You got another call?

Right, beautiful.

He hates it.

He said he wouldn't play it for his dog.

You ever hear that before,
wouldn't play it for a dog?

That's a new one on me, Charlie.

Unbelievable.

Bobby.

Let me tell you something as a manager

and your personal friend.

Your career doesn't seem to be taking off.

I'm aware.

Listen to me Bobby.

You're pushing 30.

I'm pushing 50 with two kids in college.

And 10% of your income, which over

the past year has averaged...

$273 a month.

$272.60.

Which means I get $27.26 a month.

Bobby, I know that I promised

not to ask you to do this again.

What?

This is a beautiful gig.

What?

Do this for me, please.

What, Charlie?

It's a wedding.

No!

It's in Brentwood.

No!

A neurosurgeon, Bobby.

It pays $500.

It was Danny Stein's gig,
but he got busted last week.

$500?

You'll do it?

Yeah, what the hell?

I'm not going anywhere.

You are doing 100% the right thing!

Yeah, yeah, sure.

What?

What can I tell you?

I just never thought things
were gonna turn out like this.

There aren't many stars
in this business Bobby.

It's enough to make a living.

Think about that.

It just hurts.

I'd sell my soul to the Devil
to make it in this business,

just for the chance.

[dramatic music]

♪ Black magic has me in it's spell ♪

♪ That old black magic
that I weave so well ♪

♪ Those icy fingers up
and down your spine ♪

[Car] Today's best
bets, today's best bets.

[Tophet] The computer's
on the blink again.

I've had this guy for years.

Him, too.

Look at that face.

What a pussycat.

I'd sell my soul to the Devil
to make it in this business.

Interesting.

[Car] Shelton, Bobby,
born March 23, 1956.

Married, no children.

Watched over by God April 16, 1960.

Watched over by God April 16, 1960.

Sorry, pal, he asked for me.

That's the rules.

He asks for me, he's mine

and none of your tricks either.

[dramatic music]

[Bobby] I can't even talk about it.

It's one lousy wedding.

You'll play, it will be over.

I'll meet you later at
Genaro's for dinner.

The point is I'm pushing 30.

I should do something, go to
law school, apply at least.

You're a musician.

I'm not a musician. I'm not anything.

You married a lemon.

I married a peach.

Don't humor me really, don't start.

I'm not trying to humor you Bobby,

but you're being
absolutely, forget about it.

The machine is on.

[phone ringing]

You haven't even tasted your wine.

Jose at the liquor store
said it was really good.

Hawaiian Chablis?

I just never saw wine with
an expiration date before.

So, what do you think?

How much was that wine?

With tax, $1.89.

You were robbed.

I don't know what would I do without you.

You'd die.

Things are gonna get better.

I don't know how you can still have

faith in me after five years, ow.

No more self-pity.

I've got to play.

Enough.

Okay, okay.

Get out of here, I'll get your coat.

I'm gonna check the machine.

[dramatic music]

Who called?

Listen to this!

Listen to what?

[Bobby] Just listen!

Listen to what?

I heard music.

Honey, you've got to hurry up

if you don't wanna be late
to this gig, all right?

Put your jacket on, here, make sure.

You look gorgeous.

I tell you, I heard...

That's okay, let me see it.

Fine.

[people chattering]

[eerie music]

♪ You put your right foot in ♪

♪ You put your right foot out ♪

♪ You put your right foot in
and you shake it all about ♪

♪ You do the hokey pokey and
you turn yourself around ♪

♪ That's what it's all about ♪

♪ You put your left foot in ♪

Come on, you klutzes, keep the b*at!

What is this?

A golden wedding anniversary?

[people chattering]

Hip!

♪ You put your right hip in ♪

♪ You put right hip out ♪

♪ You put your right hip in
and you shake it all about ♪

♪ You do the hokey pokey and
you turn yourself around ♪

♪ That's what it's all about ♪

♪ You put your left hip in ♪

♪ You put left hip out ♪

♪ You put your left hip an
and you shake it all about ♪

You dance just like my late husband.

Irving?

You knew Irving?

Sure, he bought out his partner in 1960

by telling him they were going under.

Quiet!

Right after he signed a big order

with the department store
by bribing the buyer.

Oh, my God!

Do I know Irving?

He's one of my best workers.

[upbeat music]

[audience applauding]

Thank you.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am informed

that your escargots are
served so, bon appétit.

We'll be back later and remember,

whatever you can't eat, I take home.

You know what else Irving did?

What?

He had this dame in Altoona...

Will you shut up?

You miserable old fart.

[ominous music]

I love escargot, don't you?

[eerie music]

It's the little things I enjoy.

Want this?

How about you?

Hey, nobody wants this.

Want to take it home?

Are you kidding?

Smart boy.

Excuse me.

I don't like to disturb
you, you're probably busy.

That's okay, you have a request?

I'd like to speak with you
for a moment if it's okay.

Yeah, sure.

Why not?

I'm not disturbing you?

No, no, not at all.

Good.

Mr. Tophet?

[Tophet] Tophet, call me Harry.

Harry, I already have an agent.

I see, is he any good?

Well that's hard to say, really.

No, no, no, it's very easy to say.

Is he any good?

Well things haven't been going so great.

Charlie Gray, right?

How did you know?

He's pathetic.

You deserve better.

Like you, right?

Like me.

Come on, man.

If I were running things,

you wouldn't be playing
at these crummy weddings,

you can bet on that.

You'd be at Carnegie Hall,

you'd be at Madison Square Garden.

You'd be at the Orange Bowl.

Just you, alone at the piano

in the middle of the Orange Bowl

with 80,000 suntanned
girls screaming your name.

Sliding out of their pants.

Great.

Everybody would be humming your songs.

It'd be played at airports, in elevators.

Fabulous.

You'd be rich, you'd
be a household word.

Mr. Tophet...

You could afford to have that baby.

I get involved in all
phases of my clients' lives.

That's why I'm the best.

Who do you represent,
if you're so terrific?

All the big names.

They all come to me, sooner or later.

Tophet, Tophet.

See I read the trades...

I keep my name out of the papers.

I'm more effective that way.

What do you say, it's a deal?

A deal?

I don't even know you.

You can't expect me to drop
my agent just like that.

I can make things happen.

Amazing things.

See that waiter?

[Bobby] Yeah.

Watch this.

[ominous music]

[dramatic music]
[people yelling]

How did you know that...

Harry?

Mr. Tophet?

[Tophet] Not bad, huh?

You'll be hearing from me, Bobby.

Mr. Tophet?

I'm flipping out.

[engine rumbles]

She's waiting for you.

There you go.

Thanks.

If you'd been there...

[Louise] Have you decided yet?

What's good tonight, Louise?

Osso buco.

Very special tonight.

I made it myself.

I'll have it.

I'll get spaghetti and sausage.

All right.

You always get spaghetti and sausage.

Whenever I don't get it, I hate myself,

spaghetti and sausage.

It's very good.

Louise, let's splurge.

A bottle of Barolo.

You got it.

Table number 10.

So tell me about this guy.

It was really strange.

You know my cousin Albert
is in the novelty business.

I know he makes trick cards.

Wendy, this card answered me.

He said he could make any kind of card.

Can he make waiters lose their pants?

Waitresses.

He's been divorced twice.

Come on, Wendy, this
guy really spooked me out.

Maybe he gave the waiter
money to drop his pants.

And wreck the place?

Why would he go through all that trouble?

Because he wants to represent you.

That's the part I can't understand.

You know you amaze me.

Somebody finally appreciates your talent

and your entire reaction
is one of suspicion.

It's just creepy.

Believe me, if you'd been there...

Maybe you should give this guy a try.

It wouldn't hurt.

I'm fading.

I'll see you in the morning, okay?

Yeah, goodnight.

Wendy?

It'd be nice if things could change, huh?

You could stop working.

You could start doing the laundry.

We could hire a maid.

I could have an affair with her.

I could leave you.

No, you wouldn't.

What about the baby?

What baby?

[dramatic music]

♪ I love you, love you, love you I do ♪

♪ You're the only girl that I adore ♪

♪ I love, love you, love you I do ♪

♪ And everyday I love you more and more ♪

[computer beeping]

♪ Someday I may ♪

[Car] Reminder, Billy Wayne

contract expires 12:00 tonight.

Billy Wayne contract

expires 12:00 tonight.

Wonderful.

[dramatic music]
[audience cheering]

Thank you!

Thank you, Cleveland!

Good night!

I love you!

[Audience] More, more, more, more!

No more.

Good night!

Billy, what are you doing?

No more.

You didn't even finish this track yet!

I said, no more!

Nobody comes in.

Okay.

Get them out of here.

Let's go, girls.

Mr. Wayne's emotionally spent.

Come on, let's go.

Come on, move.

Move, move, move.

[ominous music]

[phone rings]
[ominous music]

[Tophet] Tonight's the night, Billy.

I'm sorry.

I want an extension.

No, seven years, that was the deal.

But I got a tour to finish.

A deal is a deal, it's finished.

So now what happens to me?

It will be painless, don't worry.

You'll never know,

you'll never remember
you were Billy Wayne.

But I want to remember.

Damn it, listen to me.

You can't do this to me...

[dramatic music]

Things have a way of working out.

May I help you, gentlemen?

I'm Charles Gray.

This is my client Bobby Shelton.

We have an appointment with Gary Frantz.

Won't you be seated?

That's very thoughtful
of you, thank you.

Bobby?

Charlie.

I thought these guys
already turned us down.

They did, twice.

And now they're interested?

I don't know what they are.

I just got this call out of the blue.

They said it was urgent.

[Joe] We both hate the tape.

Why are we seeing him?

[Gary] There's one cut on it

that will be sensational
for Richie Morrison.

So what?

Richie writes his own stuff.

So I buy the song outright

and we make it a Richie Morrison song.

Maybe Richie changes a couple of words.

That's not nice.

Who's talking nice?

If his manager has any smarts at all...

His manager is Charlie Gray.

[Joe] You're kidding.

[both laughing]

I know both these guys.

They have tremendous respect for me.

You know why?

No, why?

Because I'm not a pig, that's why.

I play fair.

I could go in there and
ask for a pile of money.

But what's the point?

[Receptionist] May I help you?

You gotta have realistic goals.

[Tophet] I'm with Mr. Shelton.

He's over there, sir.

Thanks very much.

Hi.

Hello.

You're Charlie Gray.

Yes, I am.

Excuse me.

Bobby, you have a choice.

Stay with this loser and be a nobody

or come with me and be a
somebody, it's as simple as that.

Who is this guy?

You're a major talent.

He's got you nothing but
weddings and bar mitzvahs.

I can get you what you deserve.

Concerts, gold records, a cover of Time.

Bobby, this is your last chance.

Believe me.

Excuse us, please.

What is this?

Charlie, you and me have
been together for a long time

and we're not really making it.

I'm gonna give this guy a try.

Like he says, it could be my last chance.

Hello?

Yeah.

Gentlemen, you can go in now.

You did the right
thing, I'm proud of you.

[Gary] Bobby.

Gary Frantz.

It's great of you to come, really.

I want you to say hello to Joe Ortiz

from our A&R department.

A big fan of yours.

This is Mr. Tophet.

How do you do, how do you do?

Uh, where is Charlie Gray?

I represent him.

My name is Harry Tophet.

Harry Tophet?

Tophet.

I see, well it's very
nice to meet you, sir.

Should I speak louder?

Not unless you can't
hear what you're saying.

[men laughing]

Great.

I'm funny.

Tophet, Tophet, Tophet, Tophet.

Didn't you used to handle Al Jolson?

Beethoven.

Beethoven.

I love it.

Smashing.

This guy's something or what?

He's great, fabulous, fabulous.

Come on, sit.

Fabulous, great.

Are you okay?

Okay.

Who wants some coffee?

No, no, thanks.

No, Harry?

I don't drink coffee.

A glass of tea, maybe?

Stop bullshitting and
get down to business.

Beautiful.

Okay, okay.

Look, I wanna be totally
upfront with you guys.

There are all kinds of
people in the music business.

There are some pussycats
and a lot of cobras.

Am I right Joe?

We've met all types.

Look, can I be completely
honest with you guys, huh?

Fine.

Okay, Bob, here's the thing.

Joe and I listened to this tape of yours,

I don't know, what, five times?

At least.

[Gary] At least.

You never heard this kid's tape.

Not five times, not once.

Say again.

You heard Bobby Shelton.

This isn't Bobby Shelton.

This kid is Billy Wayne.

Harry!

What?

Here's the deal I'm proposing.

I'm sure you'll find it fair.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What deal?

I don't know.

You're proposing a deal?

Who said anything about a deal?

What are you doing?

This is it.

This is what?

What is this, Harry, a gag?

$3.5 million for two albums?

You're underselling, Harry.

Go for $8 million.

You son of a bitch!

Humiliating me.

Sign this, Bobby, and
they'll stop laughing.

Sign this, and the whole world is yours.



to be provided year-round for
the artist and his entourage.

[Joe] Harry, I've heard of
garnish, but this is too much.

You're crazy!

Sign it, Bobby.

If I'm crazy, the deal
is void anyhow, right?

Trust me.

Make me your manager.

A million dollar bonus
for each gold record.

[Joe] You should ask for
$2 million Harry, really.

How long is this for?

Firm seven-year contract, no options.

[suspenseful music]
[men laughing]

I don't know.

Okay, I'll leave it open.

Let's make it a trial period.

Do it.

[men laughing]
[dramatic music]

Do it.

[dramatic music]
[men laughing]

Gentlemen, you've got yourselves a deal.

I can't believe it.

We got Billy Wayne!

Congratulations, I'm thrilled.

Welcome to our happy family.

Billy Wayne on Astral.

If only my mother were alive,

Joe, will you call publicity, now?

Okay.

I am so thrilled.

I can't tell them I want
a release out right now.

Harry, I think we got away cheap.

Next time, I'll make it expensive.

Next time, he'll make it expensive.

You hear that?

I love it.

I love this guy!

I'm still funny.

I want a release out now.

Billy Wayne on Astral, two-album deal.

Press conference?

Let me talk to her, let me talk to her.

Sandy!

Let's go.

I gotta call my wife.

No time, we got a plane to catch.

Wait a minute.

Who are you?

[ominous music]

My God.

Guess again.

[dramatic music]

Hi, Bobby, you're home.

Hi.

What happened at the meeting?

[Billy] Nothing much.

I picked up some chicken,
thought I'd barbecue it.

What happened at the meeting?

It was a lot of crap.

They weren't really interested.

One song they wanted to rip off.

How about you?

A lot of unhappy people,
a lot of miserable children.

Nothing new.

[phone rings]

Hello?

[Bobby] Hi, Wendy.

I was trying to call earlier.

Something really weird has happened.

I'm in Buffalo.

Can you believe that?

Who is this?

[Bobby] Who is this?

It's Bobby.

You want to speak to Bobby?

No, this is Bobby.

He's right here, hold on.

[Bobby] Hey, wait a minute.

It's for you.

[Billy] Hello?

Hello?

[Billy] Yes?

Who is this?

This is Bobby Shelton, who's this?

[Billy] Hello, hello?

Hello?

I told you not to call.

What the hell have you done?

Who is that?

He's you.

He's not me, I'm me!

You're Billy Wayne, remember?

Who is that guy?

Nobody special.

We made a deal, now he's you.

This guy who says he's
me, he thinks he's me?

[Tophet] That's right.

And Wendy accepts him as me?

Completely, he's you.

I don't get it.

Who the hell would want to be me?

What does he get?

Wendy.

Come on, relax, relax.

The theater's sold out tonight.

You're very popular in Buffalo.

Buffalo?

Best I could do on short notice.

My head is k*lling me.

I'm sorry.

It is a big adjustment.

Here, let me see what I can do.

How's that?

That feels better.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

People think because I'm
the Devil, I'm insensitive.

That's not true, trust me.

After a while, you'll love your new life.

You won't miss the old one at all.

What if I want to go
back to the old one?

A deal is a deal.

But I thought this was a trial period.

That's what you said.

I lied.

If you want anything, I'm in 666.

Wait a minute.

I wanna ask you one more question.

Okay, sh**t.

Why do I still think I'm me?

And what happens when my contract is up?

That's two questions.

I only said you could ask one.

[Tophet] Smile, this is
what you wanted, isn't it?

[people chattering]

[audience applauding]

[people chattering]

Nice.

[people chattering]

[Stage Manager] All
right, house lights to half.

Let's go, everybody, it's time.

Tophet.

You'll knock them dead out there.

With what, what am I singing?

Don't worry, it'll come to you.

Don't worry?

Showtime, hi.

We open with, uh, "Only Up
To Me," right, Billy?

"Only Up To Me," what's that?

[man laughs]

That's a song of mine?

"Only Up To Me?"

One of your big hits.

It is?

A smash.

It is?

[Announcer] And here he is,

the man with the dangerous
eyes, Mr. Billy Wayne!

[upbeat rock music]

Go.

Go.

[audience cheering]
[upbeat rock music continues]

♪ Dreaming ♪

♪ Dreaming ♪

♪ Dreaming ♪

♪ Dreaming of all we can be ♪

♪ If it was only up to me ♪

♪ I'd build this world on a dream. ♪

♪ Imagination is just
creation seen as a child ♪

♪ Visions are fashions that
are coming into style ♪

♪ We are children of a way ♪

♪ That's the best when it just runs wild ♪

♪ If it was only up to me ♪

♪ I'd build this world on a dream. ♪

♪ When I close my eyes and open my heart ♪

♪ Someone's reaching deep inside ♪

♪ I know that you could hear
it, too, if only you ever tried ♪

♪ I can see these things
so clear in my mind ♪

♪ The way I want them to be ♪

♪ I know that you could see them, too ♪

♪ If only you would believe ♪

♪ If it was only up to me ♪

♪ I'd build this world on a dream. ♪

♪ Dreaming, dreaming ♪

♪ Dreaming of all we can be ♪

[audience cheering]

Thank you!

[audience cheering]

This is fun.

This is all right, thank you!

[upbeat rock music]

♪ Here I am a man on the wire ♪

♪ Feeling like my body's on fire ♪

[audience cheering]

♪ Never looking down ♪

♪ Staring straight at you
with my dangerous eyes ♪

♪ Catch me if you can, just for fun ♪

♪ You can't hold a man on the run ♪

♪ When you see me coming,
lock away the women ♪

♪ Don't these strangers just
love my dangerous eyes ♪

♪ I'm not living cold ♪

♪ I'm just living good ♪

♪ I'm not staying home ♪

[audience cheering]

♪ Here I am a man on a wire ♪

♪ Feeling like my body's on fire ♪

♪ Out on the town,
never looking down ♪

♪ Staring straight at you
with my dangerous eyes ♪

♪ Catch me if you can, just for fun ♪

♪ You can't hold a man on the run ♪

♪ When you see me coming,
lock away your women ♪

♪ Don't these strangers just
love my dangerous eyes ♪

♪ Where I come back down ♪

♪ Doesn't worry me ♪

♪ When I disappear ♪

♪ I've only gone to a
better place to here ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Here I am a man on a wire ♪

♪ Feeling like my body's on fire ♪

♪ Out on the town, never looking down ♪

♪ Staring straight at you
with my dangerous eyes ♪

♪ Catch me if you can, just for fun ♪

♪ You can't hold a man on the run ♪

♪ When they see me coming,
lock away the women ♪

♪ Don't these strangers just
love my dangerous eyes ♪

♪ Don't these strangers just
love my dangerous eyes ♪

♪ Don't these strangers just
love my dangerous eyes ♪

Thanks, gentlemen, well done.

Thanks a lot.

Where are we going now?

Home, Billy.

Where do I live?

[Gary laughs]

[helicopter chuffing]

Home, sweet home.

[Bobby] I live there?

I live there?

[Gary chuckles]

Fabulous, like a pixie.

[helicopter chuffing]

Welcome home, Mr. Wayne.

Tremendous tour, we read about it.

Thanks.

Billy, take it easy for a week or so.

You look worn out, I'll call you tomorrow.

Okay, let's go.

Careful with your head, sir!

[helicopter chuffing]

It was quite a tour, eh, sir?

Yes, yes, quite a tour.

How many rooms in this place?

[Wilson] There are 24, sir.

Oh you have been away a long time.

Cozy.

Shall I put these in your bedroom, sir?

Yes, good.

Oh, no wait. Wait just a minute.

[Bobby thuds]

Would you like me to
turn on the Jacuzzi?

That's just what I had in mind, Wilson.

Wilson!

Sir?

That's your name.

Of course, sir.

Of course.

Rosita has brought
some lobster today, sir.

They're in the t*nk.

The t*nk?

In the kitchen, sir.

Ah that t*nk.

Sure, great.

Good work by Rosita.

Where is the kitchen?

[Wilson laughs]

Oh, it's so good to have
you home again, sir.

Will you be needing the car, sir?

I'll have him wait, sir.

Have him wait.

Very good, sir.

Wilson.

Sir?

That'll be all.

My fireplace.

My piano.

My dining room.

And this must be... my kitchen.

My t*nk.

Guys, where am I?

Who am I?

If I'm not me anymore, why
do I still think I'm me?

That's the part I can't understand.

[dramatic music]

[piano music]

You.

Me.

Welcome home.

How do you like it?

Where'd you go?

It's been five months.

What do you think,
you're my only client?

I'm running a big operation
with a big overhead.

I need tenants.

I have to ferment racial
tension, pestilence, famine, w*r.

It's fun but I'm pooped.

How can...

Don't say it.

How can I?

Don't I have any feelings?

That's right.

Listen, if I didn't exist,

God would have had to make me up.

I make him look good.

There really is a God?

Oh, sure.

He very rarely makes personal appearances

here on Earth like I do.

You mean sometimes he actually
shows up here down here,

looking like everybody else?

Now and then.

But he's not what he was.

Very disappointed man.

Bitter.

You can't talk to him.

I try to get him more interested.

It's, it's no fun having the
field all to myself.

I say to him, at least
come down for the Olympics,

the World Series, see a show,
get out, you know but he, he...

What?

He just wants to talk about

the old days with Moses,
Abraham, good King Wenceslas.

It's, it's a little sad.

Heaven's half-empty.

Had to shut down the big dining room.

Oh, come on.

Would I lie?

Had to get rid of half
of their staff up there.

Few priests, some cleaning ladies,

that's all they get these days.

But you're doing great, right?

Knock wood.

Sometimes it's too much.

So God just quit?

Is that what you're saying?

When is the last time he did something?

You tell me.

[wind whistling]
[dramatic music]

Let's get out of here.

You look tired and hungry.

Come on, I'll take you to Chasen's.

I don't wanna go to Chasen's.

Pick a place, any place.

Genaro's.

That's where I used to go with Wendy.

You don't wanna go there, it's a dump.

I like it.

Come on, Chasen's has got
that great chili, really hot.

No, I'm going to Genaro's.

You're making a mistake.

Listen to me, you'll get upset.

Today's the 15th.

It's my anniversary.

[ominous music]

[cars honking]

Just one second, I'll check.

Let me see.

Yes, Mr. Farbinger, I can
confirm the reservation.

For how many now?

All right.

Yes, I'll see you then, bye.

Excuse me, can I help you?

Hi, Louise, how are you?

Do you have a reservation, sir?

No, no I don't.

I'm sorry, I have nothing right now.

[phone rings]

Excuse me.

Genaro's.

Yes.

[dramatic music]

Bye.

Mr. Wayne.

I am so honored to have you here.

Of course I have a table for you.

Will you follow me?

Sure.

[Man] Hey, that's Billy Wayne.

Hey Billy, Billy!

Right this way, Mr. Wayne.

Louise.

Is this okay?

[Louise] If it's okay with you.

I'm happy.

The veal cacciatore's very good.

Just a bottle of Barolo for now.

Of course, I'll get it for you.

[Wendy laughing]

[dramatic music]

Enjoy your dinner?

Delicious, Louise.

Great as always.

I just can't get Wendy to order anything

but spaghetti and sausage.

Here you go, Al.

[Wendy] Whenever I don't
get it, I hate myself.

[Billy] Could you get our car for us?

Thank you.

- I loved your... [divider knocks]
- I loved your last album.

Thank you, thank you very much.

You're welcome.

When's the next one coming out?

[Woman] When's the next record coming out?

Here, sweetheart.

Oh, next year's gonna be a
very special anniversary.

[Woman] You've been on tour, huh?

It must be a gas.

You'll bring the baby here.

Of course Louise, we'll
take the baby everywhere.

[Billy] I bought a stroller
already, cost me $90.

That's just the beginning.

Listen, have a nice evening.

[Billy] Thanks again Louise, goodnight.

Wendy.

Yes?

Hey, that's Billy Wayne, Wendy.

He knows you.

You're pregnant.

It looks like it.

Have we met?

Billy, I'm Bobby Shelton.

Pleasure to meet you.

Bobby Shelton.

I think I've heard of you.

Really?

We have a mutual acquaintance.

Steve Kantor, a sax player I work with.

Oh yeah, sure.

You two been married a long time?

Six years today.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

Where do you know Wendy from?

When are you expecting?

Three months, I'm almost there.

Three months?

[Billy] I thought your
last record was terrific.

Three months, that's great.

Bobby, we really should run.

Maybe I could use
you on my next session.

Hey, that would be great!

Things have been a little tough.

I get so frustrated you know.

Where have we met?

Charlie Gray's my agent.

He's a good agent.

Is he?

I guess you better take her home.

She probably needs her rest.

[Wendy] Yeah, I fade
pretty early these days.

I'll bet.

You still working?

Yeah.

Well, nice meeting you.

Again?

[Billy] A real honor to meet you.

Yeah.

[Billy] Good night.

[dramatic music]

Your wine is ready.

That's my baby she's carrying.

[dramatic music]

Thanks a lot.

Thank you, sir.

[dramatic music]

Thanks for the offer.

[dramatic music]

[Valet] Thank you, sir, goodnight now.

She's pregnant.

It's my baby.

Congratulations.

You have to let me out of this deal.

No.

Please!

Why are you being so dramatic?

You can get her back.

How?

How, you're a big star.

Call her up, work on her.

She'll dump that guy.

Wendy would never do that.

Try it.

I don't want to try it!

It's a rotten idea, it stinks!

This whole thing stinks!

Can't you understand?

I'm the father of that child.

Don't you know what that means to me?

Sorry.

A deal is a deal.

Stop the car.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna get out of this deal.

I'm gonna find a way to get out of it.

Stop the car!

[Tophet] Stop the car.

Oh, nuts.

I don't want to see you any...

I hate it when he does that.

How may I help you?

I'm here to find God.

This is his house you know.

It is?

Great.

You seen him around?

Seen who?

God.

He's in this booth.

When you're speaking to
me, you're speaking to him.

I don't have time for all that.

I'm not talking figuratively here.

I'm not talking about a lot of rigmarole.

I'm talking about sitting down

with God for like five minutes tops.

Five minutes tops, huh?

Two minutes?

Go ahead, sh**t, you got two minutes.

Okay, let me tell you
what happened to me, Father.

About five months ago, I
made a deal with the Devil.

Unknowingly, of course.

Needless to say, I've gotten
completely and totally screwed.

Beg your pardon, Father.

Let me understand you.

You made a deal with the Devil?

There really is a Devil, Father.

He lights cigars with his thumb.

He took my identity away
and gave it to some yo-yo

who's now living with my wife.

She's pregnant with my child,
and I've got to get her back.

See, she thinks he's me, but I'm me!

[Father] You're you.

Everybody else thinks I'm Billy Wayne.

I'm not Billy Wayne.

I'm him!

Bobby, that is me!

That's right.

And the only way I can get
back to her is through God.

Even the Devil admits there
really is a person God.

Wishes he saw more of him, in fact.

I understand, I really do.

Perhaps I could refer you

to the counseling services
of the archdiocese.

I'm not nuts!

No.

Believe me, I wish it was that simple.

So do I.

I'm sorry, Father.

Listen, you know what the Devil told me?

No.

[Bobby] God's really a lonely guy.

Is he?

[Bobby] Heaven's half-empty.

They had to close up one
of the big dining rooms.

Really?

And all they get up there now

are a few cleaning
ladies and some priests.

I want him to know that he's needed.

I need him.

Do you understand what I'm saying, Father?

Father?

[dramatic music]

Young man, Father Daniel and I

would like a few words with you.

What for?

[dramatic music]

Start it up!

Move it out, move it out!

Sir, please, don't.

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

[singing in Hebrew]

Hi, excuse me.

Can I ask you a question?

Here, here, put it on.

All right, what is it?

I'm not a crazy person.

I'm looking for God.

Do you have any idea where he might be?

Yeah.

You do?

There he is.

Well, there he is, in a sense.

The thing is, I'm looking
for God, the person.

I'm trying to get my wife back.

You want God or a lawyer?

[both laughing]

Look, I know this sounds crazy.

But the fact is you're looking at a guy

who made a deal with the Devil

that only God can get me out of.

Devil?

[speaking in Hebrew]

Hey, wait a minute!

There really is a Devil.

He dresses up in fancy clothes

and he runs around
pretending he's an agent.

A talent scout.

See I was singing at this wedding.

And he said he could make
me a big star, and he did.

You've heard of me, I'm Billy Wayne.

See?

I'm the biggest rock singer in America!

But I'm not me.

I need to find God.

You need rest is what you need.

Listen to me!

You are a religious man.

And I am a human being
in terrible trouble.

I need God's direct intervention!

You can't find God by
hailing him like a taxicab.

Well, then how do I find him?

He finds you, that's the way it works.

I don't have time!

You're a young man,
all you have is time.

No.

No, I don't.

I'm sorry.

Listen to me.

Are you looking for that man
they call the Lord, our God?

Are you looking for him?

Is he here in Los Angeles?

Is he in the farmers'
market squeezing melons?

No, he ain't.

So where is he?

[Street Preacher] Is he up in the suburbs

wearing green pants, and playing golf?

No!

Is he up in Vermont baking bread
and selling real estate?

No, he ain't!

He's in the desert.

The desert?

Look to him.

Look for him in the desert.

He sent you?

Amen.

Wait, wait a minute!

[dramatic music]

He sent you?

What desert?

Wait, wait!

What desert, what desert?

[upbeat music]

Now come on, Gary, tell me.

How come Billy got so interested in Vegas?

They've been trying to
get him here for years.

I told ya, he's suddenly
had a yen for the desert.

I said, if you're gonna
have a yen for the desert,

you might as well make $300,000
a week while you're at it.

Very sensible.

Okay, thanks for coming by.

Nice talking to you.

My pleasure.

All right.

Hi.

Yeah, I need someone paged.

Well it's actually like a little code.

Yeah, would you ask the Lord
to pick up a house phone

and call Room 8216, please?

Yeah, the Lord.

That's right.

No.

No, no, just the Lord.

Yeah, he'll know.

[Bobby laughs]

Right.

Thank you.

[Bobby sighs]

[Woman] Mr. Peter DeMaris.

Come to the bell captain's desk, please.

Mr. Peter DeMaris.

To the bell captain's desk.

Gary Murphy.

Please pick up the house phone.

Paging Mr. Ellison Johnston, please.

[dramatic music]

Telephone call for the Lord.

Will the Lord please go to a house phone?

[God] This is the Lord.

You have a call for me?

Thank you very much.

[phone rings]

Hello.

[God] This is him.

Him who?

[God] Him, him.

[Bobby] This is Tophet!

I recognize your voice.

Look out your window.

[dramatic music]

Pretty nice, huh?

I made it myself.

That old preacher, you
were speaking through him.

That's right.

[Bobby] Why are we here, in Las Vegas?

I have my reasons.

Don't question them.

You're in enough trouble already.

Can I get out of it?

You made a deal with the Devil.

How dumb could you be?

I didn't know it was the Devil.

You're not talking to your
sixth grade teacher, you know.

To me, you were a star
because you had decency.

Now you're just an artifact.

You're ridiculous.

I know, I didn't know that
then, but I know that now.

I gave you hints all the time.

The music.

That was you!

Each time.

That's right.

I've been watching you.

Why?

Ask your father.

I can't ask my father, he's dead.

Then I'll ask him.

[dramatic music]

God.

[God] What?

I thought you'd left.

The rainbow disappeared.

I'm trying to save on energy.

Please, God, please help me.

Help you do what?

[Bobby] Get my life back.

Wendy, my baby.

I'm not a Missing Persons Bureau.

I'll do anything.

All praises be to me in the highest.

What?

You want me to praise
you, would that help?

Wouldn't hurt.

Don't hang up!

Don't hang up!

Lord, I praise thee in the highest.

The top, the best praise.

You are all-wise,
all-knowing, all-natural.

Whatever you want me to do, I'll do.

Please, please get me out of this.

If you're listening, how
about another rainbow?

Or some lightning?

Anything.

A little creepy music.

[Gary] Billy, you in there?

Yeah.

[Gary] For crying out loud,
you're on in half an hour!

I'm on my way.

What are you doing in there?

There'll be plenty of time
for chicks after the show.

Okay, okay.

[Gary] You okay?

[Bobby] Yeah, I'm fine.

[dramatic music]

You're gonna absolutely k*ll them,

you're gonna slaughter them,
dead, they're gonna be.

I wish I were dead.

Don't ever say that.

You put that thought out of your mind.

We'll get you help if you're depressed.

Hell with Tophet.

Tophet?

Billy, you ought to fire
that miserable old bastard.

Especially after what he said.

I wasn't gonna tell you this.

What did he say?

I don't wanna get into it now.

What did he say?

He told me that he thought

you would bump yourself
off within the year.

So that's how it works.

What?

Did he say it like he knew it?

Like it was a matter of fact.

If he was not 110 years old,

I'd have busted him in the chops.

That's what happens to me.

[Woman] Showtime, 15 minutes.

Okay, okay, showtime, showtime.

Want anything?

No, no, no thanks.

You know what I could use?

Anything.

Cup of tea with honey.

Cup of tea with honey. La voce?

Yeah.

What kind of tea?

Tetley, herbal, Lipton.

Any, any kind of tea.

You got it.

[suspenseful music]

[Tophet] Pretty.

May I have this chair?

[Dealer] $10 ante
and unlimited betting, sir.

Fine.

This is a pretty rough game, pop.

I'll have to take my chances.

[suspenseful music]

[Tophet] Full house.

Aces up.

Give me a break already.

That's your third in a row, pop.

Beginner's luck.

You ain't betting like no beginner.

Well, okay, I played once before.

May I sit in?

Been expecting you.

This'll just be the two of us.

[dramatic music]

Isn't it always?

We, uh, we haven't
played in quite a while.

Ten of spades is bent.

So it is.

Can't fool you.

Those cigars are gonna k*ll you.

I love smoke.

What about you?

Look at the way you dress.

It's embarrassing.

What are we playing for?

I want the kid back. Shelton.

You mean Billy Wayne.

I mean Bobby Shelton.

[suspenseful music]

You want the kid back.

I don't know.

What's it worth to you?

Plenty.

What do you want for him?

The Pope.

Crazy.

That's mad.

Bring back the Black Death.

I can't look at him, can you?

Smallpox?

Forget it.

[Tophet] You know,
I don't have to do this.

Shelton came to me, I didn't go to him.

Rules are rules.

You're out of it.

But you lied to him.

You told him it was for a trial period.

Is that according to the rules?

Technicalities.

You don't have clear title to this boy.

Neither do you.

Looks like we're in a
gray area here, doesn't it?

[suspenseful music]

[God] Lost your nerve, huh?

Okay.

I'm a sport.

You can have him back if you win.

And if you win?

He dies.

Then he's a folk hero,

like Elvis, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin.

They'll triple his record sales.

Work all the memorial bits.

Billy Wayne posters, T-shirts,
rings, wind-up dolls.

There'll be lawsuits, there'll be fights.

It'll be fabulous.

Okay.

One hand takes it.

We play absolutely straight.

Of course.

How're we gonna trick each other?

[suspenseful music]

Tricky hand.

[suspenseful music]

That good, huh?

Not bad.

[dramatic music]

How many cards?

I'll take two.

Dealer takes one.

[dramatic music]

I raise you.

Raise me, with what?

All the people on my list.

All those I've been watching over.

Millions of them.

If I lose, they're all fair game for you.

If I win, you can't touch them ever.

Even if they ask for you.

Gary, whenever Billy's ready.

Just wants a little tea then we're all set.

Have a good one everyone!

I can't touch any of them?

Even if they beg for me?

That's it.

I lose, you get Bobby and all the rest.

Billy.

Billy, I got your tea.

[dramatic music]

Well?

Billy!

Billy, come on, open up!

[dramatic music]

Well?

[Gary] Billy, Billy!

[dramatic music]

Too rich for me.

I fold, you can have him.

What did you have?

You bluffed.

You had nothing.

Why did I fold?

I put the fear of me in you.

Billy!

[dramatic music]
[door banging]

Billy!

[dramatic music]
[door banging]

Billy!

[dramatic music]
[door banging]

Billy!

[dramatic music]
[door banging]

Billy!

[dramatic music]
[door banging]

Billy!

[dramatic music]

Get a doctor!

Somebody get a doctor!

Come on, doesn't anybody hear me?

Get a doctor!

What's going on?

Get a doctor right now.

Billy just tried to bump himself off.

How about double or nothing?

No, I got what I wanted.

Why did you take such
a risk for this kid?

You wouldn't understand.

Besides, I had to take you down a peg.

You were getting too cocky lately.

Don't be a scold.

You'd be lost without me.

What would you do if I closed up shop?

I'd manage.

You don't get to be as old as I am

unless you can roll with the punches.

You're gonna stay?

For a while.

I try to spend a few
weeks in Vegas every year.

What about you?

I'm on my way to New Hampshire.

The leaves are changing.

Good time to go.

Next year, I'm bringing
back the gypsy moth.

You're impossible.

Believe me, I'm possible.

[dramatic music]

Is he dead?

I don't understand it.

There was nothing I could do.

[dramatic music]

I'm me again.

[dramatic music]

Tophet.

It's me, Bobby, God.

You look like the Devil.

Really?

I guess I've been working too hard.

I mean there's such a resemblance.

He has always wanted to look like me,

talk like me, be like me, but I'm God.

You don't dress like God.

What should I wear, a robe?

It's 108 degrees out there.

I just can't believe it.

You're you again, aren't you?

Yeah, I am.

You do that?

[God] Of course.

How?

[God] I won you back
with a busted flush.

I don't understand.

It's not necessary
for you to understand.

But why?

Why are you so interested in me?

I owed it to your father. I promised.

My father?

An honorable holy man.

Remember when you had scarlet fever?

Kind of, it was a long time ago.

April 16, 1960.

You were delirious.

A little after 3:00 a.m.,
your fever hit 105.

Your father walked into your room,

knelt by your bed in the
darkness and prayed to me.

Beautiful little prayer.

You know, he loved you very much.

I know.

When he stopped praying,
he started singing.

♪ I've got the horse right
here, his name is Paul Revere ♪

♪ And there's a guy who says
if the weather is clear ♪

God.

♪ Can do, can do, the guy
says the horse can do ♪

You were there.

Making a house call.

I still watch over people.

In the old days, I could
watch over everybody.

It was more personal
with Noah and that g*ng.

Ever hear that story?

The flood?

It wasn't a flood.

These things get so blown up.

You know the press, it was a lot of rain.

I tell you, man makes up

such stories to explain the unknown.

There's no unknown.

There's me.

And everything unknown, I know, that's it.

I have to go.

Anything... anything I can do?

Go to your wife.

Have the baby, be a loving father.

Firm, but loving.

Resist temptation, be a person, be a man.

I will.

Next time, I won't bail you out.

Remember that line in Casablanca,

"Louis, I think this is the
start of a beautiful friendship?"

I never go to the movies.

[gentle music]

Go ahead, touch me.

Now go back to your wife.

Thank you, God.

[dramatic music]

[Bobby] Keep the change.

[Taxi Driver] Thank you.

Hi.

How was the party?

What's the matter?

It was that bad?

I'm just incredibly glad to see you.

What is it?

Junior was kicking tonight.

She was?

She was?

Missed Pop, just like me.

No kidding, you missed me?

Did it seem like I was
gone for a long time?

It seemed like ages.

It was.

Are you all right?

I'm great.

I'm the greatest.

Come on, let's go to bed.

Come here, you.

You're really Mr. Romance tonight.

Are you loaded?

I had a life-changing experience.

I can't tell you how much I love you.

You haven't said that
in the longest time.

[dramatic music]

What?

I think I heard her.

I'll take a look.

[gentle music]

Sweetie, you're burning up.

God, I hope this isn't something bad.

It's gonna to be okay, sweetie.

How's that, a little better?

♪ I got the horse right here,
the name is Paul Revere ♪

♪ And there's a guy who says
if the weather is clear ♪

♪ Can do, can do, this guy
says the horse can do ♪

[God] ♪ If he says the horse can do ♪

God?

[God] Sing.

♪ Can do, can do ♪

♪ I'm picking Valentine ♪

♪ Cause on the morning line ♪

♪ The guy has got him
figured at five to nine ♪

♪ Has chance ♪

[God]
- But look at Epitaph.

♪ He wins it by a half. ♪

♪ According to this
here in the Telegraph ♪

[Bobby]. If he says the horse
has chance, has chance.

[God] ♪ This guy calls
the horse Big thr*at ♪

♪ Epitaph ♪

[Bobby] ♪ Valentine ♪

♪ Paul Revere ♪

[Chorus] ♪ I got the horse right here ♪

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]