Oh, God! (1977)

[bunniefuu]

[soft orchestral music]

[Bobbie yawns]

Jer, clean or dirty?

Marginal.

[sniffs] No, it's not.

I don't know why you use that thing.

I mean, if it's for
me, it's not necessary.

Of course, I do like to watch you use it.

I know. [chuckles]

Listen, I think we should wait

with the powder room, then, huh?

Nope. No more waiting for toilets.

Well, I just don't
like to see you worrying

about loans and mortgages, that's all.

Then don't look.

[Jerry chuckles]

Jer, I just don't think
that we should spend

- that kind of money...
- No more thinking tonight.

Let's watch TV.
[Bobbie yawns]

[TV blaring]

Was there any good mail today?

[Bobbie] Oh, a couple of junk,

some bills, and a letter for you.

Huh. Read this.

[Bobbie sighs]

"God grants you an interview,


Los Angeles, California, Room 2700,

Tomorrow at 11 a.m.”

It's a gag.

No stamp, no return address.

Pretty crazy gag.

- [Jerry sighs]
- It's an ad.

For what?

For God oven cleaner or God detergent.

- I don't know.
- Nobody would dare.

[nose blowing]
[TV blaring]

Air ball.

[snaps] Artie Coogan.

- What?
- Artie Coogan.

- That's it.
- [chuckles] Oh, yeah.

Artie, crazy Artie.

No. An English teacher
wouldn't misspell interview.

Well, neither would God.

Well, I can't meet him tomorrow, anyway.

I've got to meet the
district produce manager.

- Sorry, God.
- Two points.

Did we make love last night?

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Just checking.

Well, keep checking.

I love you.

[broadcast signal humming]

[Bobbie] Honey, it's so late.

[bed squeaking]

[remote clicks]

[Jerry sniffles]

[indistinct rustling]

Where's two points?

Huh.

[paper ripping]

[light clicks]
[lively music]

[woman giggles]

Watch your hands, Norman.

- [woman exclaims]
- Oh! We were just, uh...

- Good morning, Mr. McCarthy.
- I'm sorry to be late, sir.

Landers. Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Is this how you've instructed your staff

to prepare romaine lettuce for display?

Mr. McCarthy, I know
what you're getting at,

and I had the same argument
with the last district manager.

Please answer.

Yes, I do.

Ah.

Now, why would anyone buy that,

when they could get
this for the same price?

Mr. McCarthy, if I put this
head of lettuce in the bin,

it's gonna stay there all day.

It'll be there tomorrow and
the next day and the next,

and we're gonna wind up throwing it away.

Our others stores-

- Your other stores do not
have a Ralph's up the street

and a Lucky Market
right around the corner,

who trim even closer than I do.

Now, I know my customers, Mr. McCarthy.

I see.

[lettuce snaps]
[soft orchestral music]

Landers?

I also noticed that you
haven't been oiling your cukes.

[stammers] What?

Why haven't you been oiling your cukes?

Oh, uh.

Well, it takes time, it takes oil.

It's dishonest, Mr. McCarthy.

Dishonest?

Uh, sir, there's an interview that...

Look, our company has
certain policies, which you...

Mr. McCarthy, I have an
interview with [stammers]...

You have a what?

Uh, I.

Thank you very much.

[soft orchestral music]

[elevator dings]

[ominous music]

[soft orchestral music]

[mysterious music]

[Man On Intercom] Stay.

What is this?

[Man On Intercom] You're
right on time. I like that.

Close the door.

Who are you?

[Man On Intercom] You read the note.

Who's that, Artie?

[God] God.

Come on, Artie.

[God] No, it's me, God.

- God?
- Right, God.

God Almighty. Big G.

It's not a gag, I promise.

Where are you going?

I've got this load of plums coming in.

[God] Let the plums wait.

How often do you talk with God?

Practically never.

How do I know you're God?

I mean, all I hear is
a voice on an intercom.

[God] Well, you're
not allowed to see me.

Why not?

- Because.
- That's no answer.

[God] Sue me.

- If you're God.
- Yeah?

- If you're really God.
- Yeah, yeah?

If I'm really God, what?

- You leaving?
- Right the first time.

- [God] Where are you leaving?
- Where do you think you are?

What do you mean, where do I think I am?

Right here is where I am, that's where.

[God] And where is here?


R-R-Room, uh, 2700.

- Jerry.
- Huh?

[God] There's no Room


There's no 27th floor here.

I thought this way we'd
have a little privacy.

Check it out.

Go ahead, I'll wait.

[ominous music]

[soft orchestral music]

- Uh, sir?
- Yes, sir?

[stammers] How do I get
to the, uh, 27th floor?

- In this building?
- Yeah.

I'm afraid you'd need a can opener.

We only have 17 floors.



[Jerry chuckles]
[mellow jazz music]

[dramatic orchestral music]

[God] Have a nice ride?

Come in. Come in.

Close the door.

Sit down.

Go ahead.

Relax.

Don't smoke.

- I don't.
- Good.

Tobacco was one of my big mistakes.

- Mistakes?
- You try.

Ostriches were a mistake.
Silly looking things.

Avocados.

Made the pit too big.

Like I say, you try.

You still don't believe it?

Artie, if this is you, man, you win.

I mean, this is the best
gag you've ever pulled.

[God] I'm not Artie.

I went to a lot of trouble

to make it a comfortable interview.

You misspelled it, you know?

- What?
- Interview.

Uh, in your note.

It's, uh.

It's I be-

It's I before E.

- [God] Give me a break.
- A few things I got right.

I put summer before winter, didn't I?

You're scared.

Well, sure.

Aw, but, look, if this is
a joke, it's gone too far.

[God] It's no joke.

How come you've got such a,

I mean, just a voice, like everybody's?

[God] Empathy. I'm talking
to you in a way you can accept.

I'm relating.

I don't like to brag,

but if I appeared to you just as God,

how I really am, what I really am,

your mind couldn't grasp it.

Look, I think you made a mistake.

- I'm not religious.
- So?

Well, I'm not one of your believers.

And I sure as heck don't believe this.

[God] That's why I showed up.

Too many non-believers.

But I, But I read in an article

that religion is on the upswing.

[God] Religion is easy.

I'm talking about faith.

You're gonna help me change that.

Me? I don't belong to any church!

[God] Neither do I.

Go back to work. I don't
want you to get in trouble.

Thank you.

[God] We'll talk on the way.

How?

[God] Trust me, like
it says on the money.

[Jerry chuckles]

[people chattering faintly]

- Sir?
- Huh?

Are you all right, sir?

No.

[God] Jerry?

You want me to talk louder?
[dials clicking]

Oh, God.

[God] I thought you
didn't believe in me.

Oh, uh. [sighs] That's
just an expression.

[God] I'm more than that,

and I want you to spread the word.

Me? Spread what word?

[God] That I am. I exist.

That we've spoken.

[stammers] You want me to tell people

that I've spoken with God?

- Yes.
- They'll put me away.

I'm tired of all the
talk that I may be dead,

or that I never was at all.

Or that God was just
particles of cosmos, gas.

I'm not gas. I found that very insulting.

Do you actually expect
people to believe...

That, that's your job.

[stammers] But I'm
just a man. I'm no Moses.

[God] What was Moses?

You think Moses was born on page one?

Moses was just a messenger. My messenger.

[sighs] That's it.

Well, look.

God, if, uh, if, if, if
I tell people that I,

I mean, that I spoke with God, they...

[Jerry chuckles nervously]

[God] And now an oldie but a goodie,

Jerry Gray and "String of Pearls.”

[lively orchestral music]

God?

God?

[God] Top 10 time on
KGOD. What is it, Jerry?

Well, that guy on the
motorcycle thinks I'm a nut!

Is that the kind of God you are?

How come didn't you let him hear you?

[God] It's a policy of mine.

I try not to work with more
than one savior at a time.

Savior? Me?

[God] You do your job right.

I can't take this job.

- [stammers] I don't believe...
- I know, I know.

But even non-believers

want what they've got down here to work.

Well, have you read the papers lately?

It, it, it ain't working.

[God] That's why I came,

to tell everybody I set the
world up so it can work,

only it's up to you.

You can't look to me to do it for you.

No, no. Uh-uh.

- [God] You can do it.
- It's only one message.

Moses had to handle ten.

But you gave him tablets.

[God] He had a bad memory.

Well, I need something. I...

[God] What kind of something?

[scoffs] Uh, I don't know.

Anything. [stammers] A tape recording.

My voice wouldn't come out on tape.

It's very, very complicated.

It's like, uh,

you know how Dracula can't
see himself in a mirror?

It's along those lines.

But, but, I mean,

if people could just hear your voice, I...

[God] This isn't even how I sound.

I'm talking like this, only
so that you'll understand me.

Understand? I don't understand anything!

[God] Well, that's a beginning.

Over and out.

Hey, hold it!

Don't hang up on me!

[God] Hey! You just
went through a red light!

You're gonna get yourself k*lled.

I need you down here.

[Bobbie sighs]

I have some nice fresh chicken soup.

Why don't you let me fix you a bowl?

[spoon clinks]
[dishes clattering]

Is that all I can get from you? Soup?

- You know what, darling?
- What?

Why don't you and I take a few days off

and go on a little holiday?

[Jerry] A holiday?

Yeah.

We could go to San Francisco.

You haven't even seen your
sister's new baby vet.

You don't want me to
see my sister's baby,

you want me to see my sister's husband.

Now, I am not crazy!

And I don't need some child psychiatrist

to tell me that I didn't
talk to God, because I did!

On an intercom.

And on the car radio.

Yes! Yes, Jerry!

Jerry, do you remember when Artie Coogan

set up that hidden microphone,

and he broadcast those filthy limericks

through the television set?

It was not Artie.

I know all of Artie's voices,

and Artie is not capable
of adding ten stories

to a building that doesn't have them,

and he cannot talk back and forth

through a car radio that's
been busted for two months!

Now, whoever the hell this
guy is, he's very smart,

and I'm going to listen to him!

For a while.

And you think it's God?

Well, he thinks he's God!

And I'm in no position to argue with him!

I thought you believed in him!

I do! I believe in God.

I just don't believe that he exists.

I mean, in the sense that he

repaints floor numbers in office buildings

or doubles as a disc jockey. [sighs]

Well, that is what he does.

And he wants you to give
his message to the world?

Yes.

Jerry.

Does he know how you feel about Him?

I told him. It doesn't
seem to bother him.

So, is that all he told you?

That you're gonna be the savior

and that to tell everybody

what we have down here can work, huh?

Yes. He also told me he is
very disappointed in avocados.

He is?

He said he made the pit too big.

I-I am not crazy!

Jerry?

[curtains whirring]
[birds chirping]

- Jer?
- Hmm?

[Jerry groans]

I'll let you sleep a little later.

I'll take the kids to school, OK?

Mm. [chuckles]

Jer?

- Hmm?
- How do you feel?

- Hmm?
- You know, about, um.

Oh.

I almost forgot.

I'm fine. Fine.

Good. Good.

'Cause, you know, I was thinking,
you didn't actually see.

All you did was hear.

And you know what they say.

- What?
- Seeing is believing.

Not hearing.

What about Ingrid Bergman?

Ingrid Bergman?

Uh, Joan of Arc.

She played Joan of Arc.

Joan of Arc?

Yeah. Joan didn't see, either.

She just heard, like me.

[clicks tongue] Oh, Jer.

[water rushing]

[God] Jerry?

Jerry.

- Oh, God!
- That's right.

Is that you?

[God] In person.

You're not on the radio?

[God] Have you got a radio out here?

- No.
- Bingo.

You're here?

In my bathroom?

[God] Come take a look.

I can't. I'm naked.

You think I don't know what you've got?

That was another little goof of mine.

Shame.

I don't know why I
thought we needed shame.

Come on out.

Don't catch cold.

Not, uh, not what you expected, huh?

I picked a look you could understand.

For someone else, I would look different.

I could do any face, voice, whatever.

I could, I could even be a woman.

You're feeling a little strange, huh?

Very strange.

Like you're gonna faint?

You know what's good for that?

Shaving.

Shaving?

Sometimes when you don't feel normal,

doing a normal thing
makes you feel normal.

Here, start shaving.

Go ahead.

I am.

I don't mean with the shaving.

With the questions that
are popping into your head.

Yeah.

Yeah. Why me?

Why not you?

You mean, there's no special...

Life is a crap sh**t,

like the millionth customer
who crosses a bridge

gets to shake hands with the governor.

You thought I picked you,

because you're better than everybody?

Uh, I'm not?

You're better than some,
but not as good as others,

but you crossed the
bridge at the right time.

If you wanted to see me,

why didn't you just appear over my bed?

Ah, Hollywood.

Next question.

OK.

People are always, uh, praying to you.

Do you listen?

I can't help hearing.

I don't always listen.

Then you don't care?

Of course I care. I care plenty.

But what can I do?

What can you do? But, you're God!

Only for the big picture.

I don't get into details.

Then whatever happens to us...

Happens.

Here, I put in a new blade.

You mean there's,

there's no plan, no scheme
to guide our destinies?

A lot of it is luck.

Luck? Just luck?

[Jerry winces]

Mm. Put on a little toilet paper.

I'll get you a piece.

[stammers] You don't control our lives?

I gave you a world and everything in it.

It's all up to you.

But, we need help!

That's why I gave you each other. Here.

[stammers] With your powers,

you could solve so many problems.

Don't. Don't wet it.

- Are you sure?
- Am I sure?

Did I do a good job on the Grand Canyon?

Well, anyway, why don't you?

I mean, solve all our
problems, work a few miracles?

I don't do miracles. They're too flashy.

And they upset the natural balance.

No miracles, huh?

- I knew it.
- Oh, maybe now and then,

just to keep my hand in.

The last miracle I did was the 1969 Mets.

Before that, I think you have
to go back to the Red Sea.

That was, that was a beauty.

No offense, but I don't
believe the Red Sea,

and I don't believe six
days to create the world.

You're right.

- I am?
- Tell you the honest truth,

I thought about it for five days
and did the whole job in one.

I'm really best under pressure.

One day to create the world?

And the sun. I hate to work in the dark.

Anyway, you have to remember

that one of my days is
not exactly one of yours.

How long are they?

When I got up this morning,

Sigmund Freud was still in medical school.

Oh.

But, if you're so involved with us...

Yeah?

How can you permit all the suffering

that goes on in the world?

Ah, how can I permit the suffering?

Yeah!

I don't permit the suffering.

You do. Free will.

All the choices are yours.

Choices? What choices?

You can love each other,

cherish and nurture each other,

you can k*ll each other.

Incidentally, k*ll is the word.

It's not waste.

If I meant waste, I would have written,

"Thou shalt not waste."

You're doing some very funny
things with words here.

You're also turning the sky into mud.

I look down, I don't believe the filth.

Using rivers for toilets.

Poisoning my fishes.

You want a miracle?

You make a fish from scratch. You can't.

You think only God can make a tree?

Trying coming up with the mackerel.

And when the last one is
gone, that'll be that.



So long, world. Over and out.

I thought you said
we were gonna make it?

I said you've got to make it work.

[stammers] You don't care!

I do care.

Well, then do something about it!

I did. I got you to carry the ball.

I got no ball!

Well, how can I carry it?

I gave you a mouth, didn't I?

Tell people how I feel, what I said.

How do I do that?

How did you get to be
an assistant manager?

Did you ever hear of
newspapers? Reporters?

You got a scoop here, an exclusive.

A "Hold the Presses.”

Fine. Fine.

And how do I convince anybody

that I've actually seen
you, that you exist?

Simple.

Show 'em this.

Your card?

No, no, no. It's not my card!

It's God's card.

It's God's card?

- Look at it.
- I am.

- [phone rings]
- Do you know where I got it?

At a novelty store?

God gave it to me.

- Oh, did he?
- Uh-huh.

May I ask when and where you got it?

This morning, in my bathroom.

God visited you in your
bathroom this morning?

[Jerry] Yes.

Sounds crazy to you, doesn't it?

Um, well...

Yesterday, he was just
a voice on an intercom,

and then he was on the radio.

God, uh, God spoke to you on the radio?

- In my car.
- What station?

- All sta...
- All stations, right.

And then, and then this morning,

he, uh, he showed up in your bathroom?

[Jerry] Yes.

Why do you suppose the
Almighty spoke to you, Mister?

- Landers.
- Mr. Landers?

Jerry Landers.

He said that he wanted
me to be his messenger.

- Oh.
- Like Moses.

[phone rings]

What sort of work do
you do, Mr. Landers?

I'm the assistant manager
at Food World in Burbank.

I see.

Well, then you don't speak
to God every day, do you?

- Never before yesterday.
- Uh-huh.

Did God say why he needed a messenger

at this particular time, Mr. Landers?

Oh, yes. He was very specific.

He said that he wanted us
to know that it can work.

What it is that?

Us it. Our lives, our world, everything.

He said that he's, "Given
us everything that we need

and it's entirely up to us."”

And those were his exact words?

Close enough. You can print that.

Did God specify the Los Angeles Times?

That, that was my idea.

Well, we're very grateful.

I'm not a nut.

Oh, I didn't say that you were.

I'm not even religious.

Yes, well.

Thank you very much, Mr. Landers,

for bringing us this story.

Look, don't brush me off.

Do me a favor and look at that card again.

I mean, take a good hard look at it.

Certainly. Certainly.

Now, does that look like something

I'd get at a novelty shop?

- Yes.
- [phone rings]

[people chattering faintly]
[register clicking]

[soft instrumental music]

Norman, did you just
put a bag of potatoes

on top of that white bread?

Oh, no, sir.

I think you did.

[God On PA] Mr. Landers,
please come to aisle 10.

Aisle 10, please.

Did you hear that, Norman?

Oh, yes, sir.

Never put a bag of potatoes
on top of a white bread.

No, uh, the page. I was just paged.

Did you hear that?

I didn't hear anything.

Did I?

We'll get you a new white bread, ma'am.

Take care of it.

God?

Chemicals. All chemicals.

Turning kids into garbage cans.

Jerry, I didn't see one
word in the newspapers.

Well, of course not.

Why, that guy at the
Times kept looking at me

like I was some kind of a lunatic.

And I felt like one.

Did you show him my card?

Sure I did.

And he said you can get one of those

in any novelty store.

Here.

You know, I really felt like an idiot.

Now please don't do that to me again.

You said what I said?

Absolutely!

And they didn't find
God's word fit to print?

Some tough cookies, boy.

[women chattering indistinctly]

Uh, good morning, Mrs. Levin.

- Hi.
- Mrs. Green.

- Hi, Jerry.
- Hi.

You know, I'd like you to meet, uh...

You did it to me again.

What did she do?

What? Um.

[stammers] Nothing.
Can I help you, ladies?

- No.
- We're all right.

Oh, yes. Thank goodness.

- What was that all about?
- I don't know.

Why did you change on me?

Why did you start to
introduce me to the ladies?

Look, I don't want to be the only guy

- in the world that...
- Oh, look, look, look.

Look, I can't make appearances all over.

- Don't you understand?
- No, I...

People would be dropping
dead from hysterics.

- Mr. Landers.
- This place is too busy.

Can you sign this please?

[Jerry] Oh, oh, yeah.

Jerry.

Up here.

Let's go for a ride.

I'll meet you.

- Where?
- What?

- Oh, not you.
- Oh.

[Jerry sighs]

[God] I can't understand it.

Why wouldn't a religious
editor believe you?

Well, face it.

You goofed again, just
like the avocado pit.

You picked the wrong message boy.

You don't believe I'm here, do you?

[laughs] No, I don't.

Then how do explain this
conversation we're having?

I'm having. I'm dreaming you.

And I oughta be real
glad when I wake up, too.

What color are my eyes?

- Huh?
- My eyes.

Blue.

My shirt?

Red plaid. What has that
got to do with anything?

Do you dream in color?

- No!
- Bingo again.

OK. All right.

Now, see, you know a lot of things,

and you've been making
a lot of things happen,

- but none of it seems...
- God-like?

Yeah, God-like!

And what, to you, would be God-like?

Uh.

Change the weather.

Ah. Special effects, huh?

What would you like? A little earthquake?

A small hurricane?

No, no. I wouldn't want anybody hurt.

I was just thinking maybe, uh,

what about a little rain?

A little rain?

Yeah, a small shower.

One small shower. You got it.

[water gushing]

Hey! Hey, it's raining!

You made it rain!

You didn't even bat an eye.

You didn't have to lift a finger!

Rain's not that hard.

It's unbelievable!

Would you like it to
rain a little harder?

No, no! This is fine!

How about bigger drops?

No! This is fine, fine.

Would you care for a little snow?

I don't believe it!

Hey! Hey, it's not raining outside!

It's just in here!

Why should I spoil everybody's day?

This is fantastic!

Thank you.

It's just like Noah's Ark!

Same thing, without the smell.

[siren wails]

[stammers] What's the problem, officer?

Well, I was about to ask you.

Uh.

[stammers] My radiator must be leaking.

I'm sorry about that.

[water rushing]

[door slams]

A radiator doesn't hold that much water.

Oh. Uh.

[stammers] I must have
drove through a car wash,

with my windows open?

Oh, well, that'd do it.

Yeah.

Well, roll up the windows next time.

Yes, sir, I will. Yes, sir!

Thank you, sir.

[engine starting]

He believed that dumb excuse.

There's an aura of goodness around you.

You.

Gonna try a little
harder to get the word out?

- Well, I, uh.
- [lightning crashes]

[thunder rumbling]
Uh, yeah! Yeah!

I'll give it another sh*t!

That's my boy.

Mr. Briggs.

You're all wet.

Of course I'm wet! I didn't dry myself.

I wanted you to see this.

Do you remember me?

Of course.

You're the non-believer who spoke to God,

- twice, I believe.
- Four times now.

Is he still visiting you in the toilet?

No, I just took a
ride with him in my car,

and this time, I have got the proof!

He gave you another calling card?

No. He made it rain inside the car!

This water that I'm dripping all over here

is water that he made!

This is holy water!

Uh, if you'll excuse me,
I really am in a hurry-

- I will not excuse you, Mr. Briggs!

Now, you are a reporter
of religious events,

and this is the most
important religious event

of our time, and I expect you...

I don't expect, I insist
that you print his message,

and put it in your paper,

and give it the prominence
that it deserves,

or, by God, you will hear from me again!

- Jerry.
- Hmm?

No, no, no. Listen to this.

"It should come as no surprise to anyone,

that in these tense-filled times,

religious freaks abound.

From the Bronx cabbie who
claims he drove Mary Magdalene,

to the airport last Christmas."

Listen.

"To the Burbank, California
supermarket manager

who insists he's had four
conversations with God, no less.”

[Jerry] What?

"According to the second gentleman,

who flashes a calling card
with God's name on it,

God wants very much for us to know

he is alive and well,

and that our world can work.

- It's up to us.”
- Let me see that.

Jerry, the Los Angeles Times.

- Where is it?
- How could you, for God's...

Well, it's right here.
With some terrific company.

See this?

A janitor who sleeps all
night, tied up on a cross.

Did anybody else say they saw God?

No, Jerry.

Well, there's an insurance salesman

selling life-after-death policies.

But only you have talked to the big boss.

Did you just say you saw him?

- Yes.
- You didn't just hear him?

One line! That's all
they gave it is one line.

Jerry, are you saying
now that you've saw God?

- Three times, yeah.
- Three times?

In the bathroom, at
work, and in the car.

One lousy line.

I don't believe it.

[Jerry sighs]

Jerry, let's go away
for a couple of days, OK?

Look, Bobbie, I know
how crazy this all sounds.

No, you don't.

Bobbie.

I saw him. He spoke to me.

All right. Let's say for
a minute that you saw God.

Look, don't humor me.

That'll really make me crazy.

OK! OK, you saw him.

But why is he talking to you?

Well, why not me?

Well, why not the Pope or Billy Graham

or somebody way up there?

Because he doesn't care about religion!

Oh, God doesn't care about religion?

Well, that's what he said!

Well, he sure picked a funny business

to go into, then, didn't he? [sniffles]

Oh, I'm sorry, Jerry.
[nose blows]

[sniffles] I'm sorry.

I can't seem to accept the concept

of you actually having a real,

honest-to-God conversation with God.

I don't understand why
he wanted to talk to you!

[sniffles] Oh, God. Listen to me.

This whole thing is
making me nuts now, too.

Too? You do think I'm crazy.

No.

I don't think you're crazy, [sniffles]

Which is why I think I'm crazy.

Bobbie, how can I
convince anyone at all,

if I can't convince you?

[Bobbie sniffling]

Jerry, for some reason that
I can't even begin to fathom,

you really believe all
this stuff, don't you?

Can't you?

Well, I believe

that you believe.

Which is in some sense
is the same as believing,

I guess, isn't it?

[Bobbie sniffles]

Do you understand what I've said?

Do you have any questions?

Adam?

Uh. Sounds pretty bananas, Dad.

[phone ringing]

Hello? Who?

Uh, no. He isn't home right now.

No. No, that's not him.

Yes, yes. You can print
that in your paper.

He is definitely not the
man in the Times today.

Can I go now, Dad?

- Sure, son.
- Yeah.

- I'll meet you.
- Yeah.

Look, I'm his wife. You can believe me.

Don't call back.

[Bobbie sighs]

[people chattering in distance]

Well, what do you think?

Well, maybe he's going through a stage.

You know, mental-pause.

[laughs] That's menopause.

Yeah! Like grandma.

I hope.

And finally, this note.

The Los Angeles Sunday
Times reports today,

that in Tarzana, California,

a supermarket manager, Jerry Landers,

had an alleged conversation
with someone he claimed was God.

According to the story,

God has appeared on Earth,

to reaffirm that he lives,
and our world can work.

It's up to us.

Well, this reporter would
like to hedge his bets,

on the outside chance that
God did make this appearance,

and that he just might be tuned to ABC.

We'd like him to know, we did report it.

This is Jerry Dunphy.
Thank you and good night.

Even Moses didn't give his last name.

That should get the phone ringing.

[phone taps]
[phone ringing]

Told you.

Hello!

Yes, this is Jerry Landers.

It's the Tarzana Daily Review.

Yes, I'm the one.

Spoke with him. Absolutely!

Oh, about 6-foot, blondish hair.

Oh, him.

Uh, about 57", I guess.

Uh, gray hair.

- I almost forgot my project.
- Jerry!

[Jerry] I'm coming!

[Bobbie] Jerry, you made the front page.

What?

- Hey, everybody look!
- What?

- [Adam] Channel 117?
- That's the 10 o'clock News!

Can we stay up and watch us?

Jerry, I don't want the kids on TV.

Can't be worse than watching it.

Don't worry. Come on, kids.

- [equipment humming]
- Roll the cameras.

Mr. Landers?

- Yes.
- Channel 11, 10 o'clock News.

You're quoted as saying that
you've talked with God, sir?

- Yes.
- Face to face?

- That's right.
- He's a fruitcake.

And you say God wants
to affirm he's alive,

and he's very disappointed with the way

we're handling our world?

Uh, that's right.

How are you gonna get
people to believe you?

Well, [stammers] it
wasn't my idea, you know?

Uh, he, he picked me.

Is God going to reveal himself to you,

as you claim he has?

Not as I claim he has. As he has.

I don't know if he'll show up again,

but he gave me his message, and...

Dad, it's 10 till.

[Jerry] Yes, Adam.

That he exists?

Yes, and that he would like us

to cherish and nurture each other,

as opposed to k*lling one another.

[Reporter] He said that?

Yeah. That he's our Shepherd
and we shall not want.

- We can quote you?
- [Jerry chuckles]

I didn't make that up.

For 10 o'clock News,
this is Mario Machado,

with the man who talked to God in Tarzana.

Uh, it, uh, the second time.

The first time was in Los Angeles.

[Adam] Come on, Dad!

- I'm coming.
- I stand corrected.

[people chattering faintly]
[soft instrumental music]

[Woman On PA] Mr. Landers.

Please call Mr. Summers at his office.

Mr. Summers for Mr. Landers.

[lively jazz music]

- Landers.
- Mr. Summers.

Glad you could get here so fast.

- Well, you said...
- Yeah, right. Have a seat.

- Thank you.
- How's it going, Landers?

- Fine.
- You've taken over

while Slavick is vacationing,

- I hear.
- Yes, sir.

Think someday you can
handle a store as manager?

I'm sure I can.

Good.

Everything all right at home?

- Wonderful.
- The missus, kids,

Adam, Betsy?

- Becky.
- Good, good.

What is this, uh, seeing
God crap all about?

- Well, it's not crap, Mr.
- Summers. I've seen him.

You know, I've heard
it all in this chair.

I know what being a
manager can do to a man.

Trouble with books.

Humping checkout girls in the freezer.

I'm only the assistant manager.

You can tell me.

Well, there's nothing like that to tell.

I really have seen him.

Landers.

The founder and principal
stockholder of Food World

is a man devoted to prayer.

Lowell Wilson has personally
gotten down on his knees

with three U.S. presidents.

He attended prayer breakfasts
and asked for God's blessing,

with the Joint Chiefs of Staff,

right in the w*r room of the Pentagon.

Now, I don't think that Mr. Wilson

is gonna take too kindly to the idea

that one of his employees

is claiming to have
had a personal audience

with the Almighty himself!

I should think that
he would be very happy

to know that his prayers are heard.

Mr. Wilson has reached
that point in his life,

where he can be sure
his prayers are heard.

He doesn't need any help from you.

It's not me.

I mean, I'm just kind of like a Moses.

Look, Landers, uh.

Now, I don't want to pump
any sunshine up your skirt,

but you have a future at Food World.

Don't blow it.

Now, you just keep your mouth shut

and stay away from reporters.

And if I don't?

[George chuckles]

Well, God may have been
interested in talking to you

as an assistant manager.

Now, we'll see how he feels about you

as a bag stuffer.

Over here!

I thought I'd straighten up a little.

The mess people make.

Take a seat.

It started, huh?

You said you saw me and
the pressure started.

Is it gonna get any worse?

How should I know?

What do you mean how should you know?

How could I know?

Well, you know everything!

I only know what is.

Also, I'm very big on what was.

On what isn't yet, I haven't got a clue.

- When you said...
- Move, move, move your foot.

- Oh.
- Sit down, sit down.

Sit down.

When you said everything
was gonna work out,

I thought you could tell the future.

Absolutely, I can tell the future.

The minute it becomes the past.

I said everything could work out,

if that's everybody's choice.

People have to decide on their own

what's to be done with the world.

I can't make a personal
decision for everybody.

Why the face? So far, so good.

We hit the papers, a little TV.

We're in business.

You know, I'm liable to lose my job.

Lose a job, save a world.

Not a bad deal.
[soft orchestral music]

[children chattering faintly]
[children laughing]

[Jerry] Hey, Adam!

What are you doing here?

Well, I got off early from work, son.

I thought I'd give you a lift home.

Uh, no thanks, Dad. I'll walk.

[Jerry] No, come on.

No, no. I've got new tennis shoes, uh,


I wanna break them in.

See you later.

[melancholy music]
OK. Come on, let's go.

[Bobbie] Well, why
wouldn't they be embarrassed?

Their friends ribbed the
hell out of them, you know?

[Jerry] That's rotten.

They wanted to know if you could get

their test answers from God,

and could he do anything about
their Little League team?

They gave them a very rough day.

Jerry, what are you gonna
do about Mr. Summers?

What can I do? What
do you want me to do?

I want you to say no more about it,

like he said not to!

Bobbie, Mr. Summers
represents Food World.

God is with world world.

It's a slightly bigger obligation.

Bigger than your job?

I have no choice. That's the problem.

The problem is you do!

How far do you intend to take this?

I mean, how long is this gonna go on?

Until everyone gets the message!

[phone rings]

Until I can convince people of this, uh,

- uh, miracle!
- Hello?

I mean, that's what it is, you know?

It's a miracle! Nothing less!

And I've gotta reach the greatest
number of people possible,

and tell them about it.

It's for you. Producer
of "The Dinah Shore Show."

You've been on television a long,

- not that long, I'm sorry.
- No, I'm much,

I'm much younger than I look.

[audience laughs]
Oh, no.

I didn't want to say it that way.

- No, you look...
- No, I'm, uh,

I'm younger than people think I am.

- Yeah, well...
- That's the way,

because I've been around a long time.

But everything you've done has had

- such tremendous impact.
- It's been magnificent.

I haven't done anything bad,

ever in my whole life.
[audience laughing]

Never. I'm one of the perfect people.

- That's kind of exciting.
- It is. It is.

Do you remember your
first moment on television?

Well, actually I do. It was in 1948.

It was "Maggi McNellis' Crystal Room,"

and we were told to be
visual in those days.

At that time, "The Picture of
Dorian Gray" was very popular,

so I gave a 15-second impression

of the picture of Dorian Gray,

about the man who carouses,
and he stays looking good,

but his picture falls apart.

[audience laughing]
[Dinah laughing]

[audience applauding]

- Ready, Mr. Landers?
- [Dinah chatters faintly]

Uh, right.

Goodbye.

- I think I broke a jaw.
- [Dinah laughs]

[audience laughing]
[people chattering faintly]

[Dinah] America's not ready for you.

[audience laughing]

- However...
- You could translate.

OK, you'll take the
empty seat next to Dinah.

This show is taped, isn't it?

Yes. It will be on a week from today.

Uh.

[Dinah] You may have
read about my next guest

in the newspapers recently.

He is a supermarket manager
from Tarzana, California,

who says that he has
been instructed by God,

to spread the message that
God lives, and God cares.

Please welcome Mr. Jerry Landers.

[audience applauding]
[upbeat music]

- Am I on?
- Almost.

[Bobbie] That applause was for you.

Is Dinah nice, Daddy?

Not now, honey.

You're not nervous, are you?

- No.
- [audience laughs]

Well, I don't mind telling you I am.

You have some pretty
powerful [chuckles] friends.

[audience laughing]

Why are they laughing?

Just watch, darling.

Because God's Daddy's friend.

Oh.

Why do you suppose he picked you, Jerry?

God only knows.

Uh, I mean...
[audience laughs]

You're right.

You said that
[man chuckling]

God wants us to know that he still cares.

And is there anything
else he wants us to know?

[Jerry] Well, well, yes.

That he's given us everything that we need

to make our life work,
to make the world work,

and that he's watching us.

- He...
- He's watching?

- Yes.
- Watching us?

- Now?
- Well, yes.

- [audience laughing]
- I, uh.

Jerry, you agreed earlier to
be part of an experiment today,

with the Los Angeles Police Department.

Do you want me to take
a lie detector test?

- Oh, no.
- No, I will.

- [audience laughing]
- Oh.

What this is, this is a sketch artist,

from the Los Angeles Police Department,

and he's an expert and very adept

at making a sketch from a description.

And I think all of us here

would like to know what God looks like.

You would like to know?
[audience applauding]

- Shall we?
- Sure.

OK, follow me.

Jerry, this is Mr. Fernando Ponce.

- Good to meet you.
- Hello, sir.

- Please sit there.
- Thank you.

Uh, Mr. Ponce, as I said,

is an expert at eyewitness sketches

for the L.A. Police Department.

Uh, how do I start?

Tell me about the shape of his face.

The shape is, uh.

It's triangular.

- Good.
- I guess.

Uh, he's got, uh, large ears.

- He has?
- Jerry, I don't believe

you actually did this.

It was their idea.

He does, yeah, he wears glasses.

He, uh...
[audience laughing]

God wears glasses?

He has a, he's wearing a fishing cap.

- He has...
- A fishing cap?

Maybe it's like a baseball cap.

- Oh.
- His lips are kind of thin.

His nose is straight.

It's round on the end.

No one's supposed to
know what God looks like!

I do.

You do?

Yeah.

In Bible comics, they had
a picture of him last week.

Glasses. They're horn-rimmed glasses.

They're not. They're
plastic ones, you know?

Where would you suppose

he would get his glasses? [chuckles]

[audience laughing]

Well, I don't know.

- And you know, he...
- Anywhere he likes.

- Well, yeah, he, uh.
- [audience laughing]

Boy, sure hope my friends
are doing their homework.

This is what, uh,
God looked like to you?

Well, he's sort of
captured the sense of, uh.

- I guess.
- Well, America,

here it is, as seen through
the eyes of Jerry Landers.

God.

[audience laughing]
[upbeat music]

[audience applauding]

Dad, you're gonna get God arrested.

You said it would be done by 6:00.

I'm sorry, but I just got the part.

Oh. Hey!

Uh, weren't you on "The
Dinah Show" last night?

Yeah.

[chuckles] Yeah, that
was real, uh, different.

Excuse me.

[stammers] How am I
supposed to get home now?

Where to, mister?

Get in.

Oh.

I hope you got a license.

Ha.

Did you watch Dinah Shore last night?

I watch everything.

I got you national
exposure. I hope you're happy.

I could be happier.

How?

For starters, you do a show like that,

you don't let them put you
on the last few minutes.

That's for fellas who write diet books.

It wasn't up to me.

Now what was that drawing thing?

Well, he was a police artist.

The man draws crooks.

Makes everybody look like a crook.

He made me look like a second-story man.

It's publicity.

I'm used to a little better treatment.

That painting of me by Michelangelo,

that's a picture.

And he did it laying flat on his back.

[Jerry] Now what happens?

Now we see who can still believe,

who wants to, who needs to.

A few million people saw
you last night, right?

A few million?

Some of them will believe you.

Some are gonna wanna
punch me in the head.

Some will wanna fire me.

Some may decide I'm
too crazy to live with.

We can't worry about
those. The ball is rolling.

Yeah, right over me.

- Don't be a malcontent.
- I'll watch over you.

And while you're watching over me,

would you mind watching the road, too?

I'd rather watch a nice sunset.

[horns blaring]
[tires screeching]

[instruments jingling]

[people chanting in distance]

Boy, Dinah Shore must
get a pretty big rating.

Oh, no.

You're on, kid.

Jerry?

Yes, God.

You have the strength
that comes from knowing.

[chanting continues]

[people chattering faintly]

Can I have one minute with you, please?

I have something very
important to say to you.

It just can't wait.

- Uh, it's, this is...
- Please! Please!

Bless my baby! Bless my baby!

Touch him! Pray for him!

- Pray for my baby!
- One second.

If I could just have one second with you.

It's not for me.

- It's for you...
- Sanctify my body.

Bless him! Make him a true believer!

I have something very important.

[woman moans]
This is for you!

Give me your golden staff.

- I can't.
- God said it's OK.

- Officer. Officer.
- I have to tell you this.

- It's very important!
- Officer!

And could you move the rest of them

- along, too.
- Yes, sir.

- Please.
- Come on, now.

Let's move along.
[people muttering]

OK. Yeah, that's great.

No, no. OK, OK, let's move along.

I went to empty the garbage
and two people blessed me.

And then one of them blessed the garbage!

And then he asked me

if our children were
conceived immaculately.

Now calm down, honey.

The police had to take
our kids to school today,

because they said it was safer.

That's awful!

Yes, that's awful. You
want to hear awfuler?

Mr. Summers said that Lowell Wilson

is personally deciding whether or not

you can keep your job!

Is that awful enough for you?

Now, Bobbie, don't let it get to you.

- Don't let it get to me?
- Don't let it get to me?

Jerry, it's got to me! Don't you see?

Jerry! Look, you've got him to talk to.

It's just me here.

Me and those religious nuts outside!

I have to leave the phone off the hook,

because people keep calling up

and asking to talk to God!

Except, of course, for the guy who offered

to chew on my pantyhose!

[Jerry] Bobbie.

Telegrams, notes in the
mailbox, in the doorways.

Today, they even put
one in the dog's mouth.

This is from the university!

I've been invited to appear
before a theology group.

They wanna verify the miracle.

- Terrific!
- It is!

This will give me credibility,

and God'll get his word across.

It'll help me keep my job.

Mr. Landers, it is the
consensus of this group,

that you are a person of little

or no theological knowledge.

You have demonstrated over the years,

an astonishing lack of
interest in spiritual matters.

You know, it strikes me,

as one who has actually heard his voice,

that you have virtually no prerequisites

to make direct contact with
the Almighty whatsoever.

You've heard him?

He has made his word known to me.

What was he wearing?

I know his word through the scriptures.

It would be blasphemy to suggest

that we could describe the
creator in human terms.

Why?

If he created us,

why wouldn't he appear
to us, as one of us?

Don't you sug-

Don't you, young man, try
to teach this assemblage

the role of the deity.

Rabbi Silverstone, my
good and great friend,

brother in the work of the Lord,

with whom we have broke bread many times,

is a pillar of the American Jew community!

Bishop Reardon represents
millions of Roman Catholics.

Bishop Markos, multitudes
of Greek Orthodoxers!

And while we have virtually
every religious persuasion

represented here today,

and I, personally, have been chosen

to render the benediction
at this year's Super Bowl!

Mr. Landers, we really find

insufficient documentation
to support your claim.

[Jerry] But you're not
saying it didn't happen?

No, we are saying there's
insufficient documentation,

which puts the score at
God, seven, you, zip!

We have decided, however,

out of a sense of fairness
and ecclesiastical curiosity,

to allow you to present
us with certain evidence.

What evidence?

We have assembled a set of questions

for you to ask God.

There are 50 questions.



You want me to get God to take a quiz?

[chuckles] Unless you've been concealing

an abundant knowledge.

Which I find highly doubtful.

There are questions there

that you could not possibly answer.

Look, I don't know when or
if he'll ever appear again.

As a control measure,

you will remain locked in
your hotel room, alone.

Not even my wife?

Oh, no.

There'll be no outside calls whatsoever.

You could, of course, decline.

But then, that would form
the basis of our report.

[papers rustling]

God!

[radio blaring]
[radio tuning]

[Jerry groans]

[door knocking]

- God?
- Room service.

Buenas noches, senor.

Uh, just put it right
around over here, please.

[man speaking in Spanish]

Oh, you can't come in. I understand.

Do I need to sign this?

Thank you.

- Thank you very much.
- Gracias, senor.

[dishes rattling]

[door knocking]

They forgot the ketchup.

Oh! Come in!

Hey, they're playing our number.

$11 for a steak? Who would've thought?

With me, cows were an afterthought.

Just to give new mothers
a little rest, you know?

Boy, am I glad to see you.

Eat. It'll get cold.

Ah-ha, pretty cute.

What is it?

They made sure you couldn't answer.

The questions are in the
ancient tongue of Aramaic.

Is that what that is?

You've figured out so many
ways to talk to each other,

that finally, nobody can.

Let's see. "What's the true
origin of the universe?

What is the source of the planet Earth?"

It's a history final, right?

[Jerry laughs]

Huh. So many repeats.

Eat the steak and then get a pen.

[God chuckles]

"Did man fall from grace
in the Garden of Eden?"

I'll tell you something never came out.

I made Adam 17.

Eve was 15, 16 tops.

I figured then 16, 17
was middle age, you know?

Who knew people would live so long?

Trees, I figured, had the best chance.

Now, I realize they were kids, babies.

Young people can't fall from my grace.

They're my best things. Put that down.

"Which of the world's-"
Whoa! Wait.

OK.

"Which of the world's religions

is the closest to the divine truth?”

The divine truth is not in a building

or a book or a story.

Put down that the heart is the temple

wherein all truth resides.

"Is Jesus Christ the son of God?"

Jesus was my son.

Buddha was my son.

Muhammad, Moses, you,

the man who said there was no
room in the inn was my son.

And so is the one who charges
$11 for steak in this one.

Let's mush on.

What was that last question?

Uh.

[stammers] "Will there be-"
Oh, yeah.

"Will there be a Judgment Day for man?"

Well, if they mean a doomsday,
an end-of-the-world thing,

I'm certainly not gonna get into that.

But if you want my personal opinion,

I wouldn't look forward to it.

There'll be a lot of
yelling and screaming,

and I don't need that
any more than you do.

Got that?

Got it.

Uh, "What is the meaning
of man's existence?"

Uh.

Life is like a glass of tea.

Nah, nah. I better not go for laughs.

You know, Voltaire may
have had me pegged right.

He said I was a comedian,

playing to an audience
who was afraid to laugh.

But seriously, put down that man,

and women persons,

their existence means
exactly and precisely,

not more, not one tiny bit less,

just what they think it means,

and what I think doesn't count at all.

That's very profound.

Sometimes I get lucky.

Mm. Last question.

- Thank God.
- You're welcome.

"Why have you chosen to
appear at this time?"

You've already said.

Well, maybe they wanna
hear it in your own words.

Oh.

I wanna say to everyone,
that everything around them,

that they can see and
smell and feel and hear,

they should delight in all this.

That what is here are my very best ideas,

and I want everyone to
try very hard to make sure

it doesn't all go down the drain.

- Oh.
- Gimme, gimme, gimme,

gimme, I'll do it.

Can you remember exactly what you said?

I mean, it was perfect.

Boy, these answers are
really gonna get them.

Hey, [stammers] that's my handwriting.

Imagine that.

Shall I call the panel,
and tell them I'm ready?

Never mind the panel.

You deliver those papers
to Reverend Williams,

the one who looks like a football player.

I didn't like him.

He's having one of his big
dos at the Shrine Auditorium.

Every time I turn around, he's
spreading the word, my word.

Only my words, he ran out of years ago.

I'll tell you the truth,

the reason I put everybody here naked.

I wasn't trying to be cute,

I just didn't want to create clothes.

With clothes, there's right away pockets.

With pockets, you gotta put
something in them, right?

You take these answers and give
them to reverend big mouth,

and you say that God says he's a phony.

And also tell him if he
wants to get rich, fine.

Tell him to sell Earth Shoes.

But personally tell him,
I'd like him to shut up.

I'll see you.

[Jerry] God?

Yeah?

Thank you.

Hope I get an A.

Love.

Let's talk about love.

What is it?

You can love your brother, can't you?

You can love your wife or your husband.

You can love your new dress.

You can love my new car.

You can pass by a pet shop and say,

I just love that little
doggie in the window!

You can love this, and you can love that.

But what am I talking about?

Some folks say that love is what they saw

in a p*rn movie.

But that is lust, not love.

[person coughs]
[audience murmurs faintly]

Is that what you want?

[Audience] No!

- Is that love?
- No!

[Willie] Is that what the Bible teaches?

[Audience] No!

[Willie] Is that what I'm talking about?

- No!
- No!

Because what I am talking about

is the kind of love that
calls for a sacrifice.

Are you willing to make a sacrifice,

to show God how much you love him?

[Audience] Yes!

To show God how you love him,

with all of your heart and soul?

[Audience] Yes!

How do we love God?

- With all our...
- Hearts!

How do we love God?

- With all our...
- Souls!

Is that what I'm talking about?

- Yes!
- Yes!

- Amen!
- Yes, amen, I say yes!

Raise your right hand and say amen!

[Audience] Amen!

- Say amen!
- Amen!

[Audience] Amen! Amen!

- Amen!
- Amen!

And you can show God how you love him,

by digging down deep,

so that this ministry will reach

all of the people of the Earth!

Because the Bible tells us,

"Show God you love him,

and he will show you the way."

[Man] Amen!

Now, I'm going to ask
all of you to come up.

Those of you who haven't come up before,

I'm going to ask you to come up for God.

Shake my hand and let God see us together.

Because the Bible tells us,

that "God knows the falling of a sparrow

and the depth of a pocket.”

And that is what I'm talking about!

[Audience] Amen!

[Willie] Come up, come
up, brothers and sisters,

- and put in our hands...
- Amen! Amen!

What you would put in God's hands,

and he will have the
whole world in his hands!

[organ music]

♪ He's got the whole world in his hands ♪

♪ He's got the whole world in his hands ♪

♪ He's got the whole world in his hands ♪

Come on up, shake my hand.

Thank you very much. May
the Lord bless and keep you.

It's so good to see you.

Thank you, you can put that right,

yes, thank you very much.

God bless you.

May the Lord always help you and keep you.

It's so good to see you!

Thank you. Please keep moving.

- Reverend Williams.
- Uh, that's all right.

That's all right. This man is known to me.

What are you doing here?

God sent me to you.

One moment! One moment!

Ladies and gentlemen,
brothers and sisters,

this is the young man who
has used so much energy

to convince everyone that he has seen God!

[audience jeering]

Now wait! Wait!

Would you repeat what you just said to me?

God. [clears throat]

God sent me to you.

God sent him to me!

- [audience murmurs faintly]
- Get off!

Are you certain of that?

Yes, [stammers] I just left him.

[Man] Get rid of him! Get rid of him!

He wanted me to give you these answers

to all of those questions.

God specified me?

Yes, and he also asked me to tell you

that he's very unhappy.

God is very unhappy.

Yes, he's unhappy that you're

getting rich this way,
[audience clamoring]

And that he'd like you

to stop pretending
[microphone hums]

That you're spreading his word.

In fact, he suggested that you sell shoes!

- Jesse!
- Well, that's what he said!

You're a fake, and he knows it!

This poor boy is ill.

- Get him out of here!
- Don't!

Wait! Reverend Williams!

Help me out here! Help me!

Slander, Your Honor,

slander, surely, cruel and foul.

The Reverend Willie Williams

is on the road for God, to the
tune of 100,000 miles a year.

He's a tireless, selfless
servant of the Lord.

The idea that he'd line
his pockets in this pursuit

is the unkindest cut of all!

Not only is Willie Williams'
organization non-profit,

he personally pays over six figures

in income tax every year.

Give him back his honor, Your Honor.

Award him the damages we
seek from this defendant.

A man so out of touch with reality,

he even tries to smear the
good name of a religious giant.

A man whom the president
of the United States

once called God's own quarterback.

[crowd murmurs faintly]
Thank you, Your Honor.

Uh, Mr. Landers, will you
come to the bench, please?

You haven't...
[microphone echoes]

You haven't changed your mind?

No, sir.

A professional lawyer
would be very helpful.

This is a tough time for you to be alone.

I won't be alone, sir.

They're just gonna
k*ll you today, Jerry.

[Jerry] Ah, we'll see.

We're gonna lose
everything you worked for.

[sighs] Isn't there any way
you can say you're sorry,

that it was all a big mistake?

No. Because I'm not, and it wasn't.

[Bobbie sighs]
I just can't believe

that God would set me up,

to get me into all this trouble.

I have to believe that he had a reason,

and I have to believe
that he'll bail me out.

And all I want to say is, that young man

is out of his mind!

And the Absolute
Being, the All Powerful,

All Knowing, All Merciful Infinite Spirit,

the Supreme Soul, the King
of Kings and Lord of Lords,

the Infinite, Everlasting Eternal Being

last came to you how?

- As a busboy.
- [crowd laughing]

[gavel banging]

Your Honor, I rest my case.

You may step down now, Mr. Landers.

Call your witnesses please, Mr. Landers.

Yes, Your Honor.

I would like to call one
witness and one witness only.

Well, I'm waiting, Mr. Landers.

Yes.

Your Honor, I would like
to call to the stand

the Lord God.

[crowd murmuring]

I object.

Defendant's trying to make a
mockery of this proceeding.

Your Honor, I was
trying to make a point.

What point?

Your Honor.

When I just asked God to take the stand,

in that fleeting moment
after I called him,

wasn't there a trace of
expectation in your mind?

Just a trace, Your Honor?

I mean, wasn't there a
hesitation in this room?

Didn't you feel it?

Didn't we all feel it?

It was the possibility
that God does exist.

And if he exists,

he could materialize and
sit right in that chair.

And in that moment, Your Honor,

when no one in this room knew
what was gonna happen next,

in that flash of an instant,
lies the benefit of the doubt

that you must give me to
know that my story is true,

and that I spoke exactly as God asked me.

Mr. Landers, I cautioned you earlier,

that proper legal
representation would be helpful.

I must now warn you,

that in addition to the
plaintiff's charges,

I'm seriously considering
citing you with contempt.

- Amen.
- [crowd murmuring]

For what you apparently thought
was a very clever stunt.

Now, you're getting deeper
and deeper into trouble

with this court, Mr. Landers.

Excuse me, Your Honor.

It's him.

[crowd murmurs faintly]
Bobbie, it's him.

Uh, this is most irregular.

- Your Honor, he's...
- I'll take it from here.

[Judge] May I ask who you are, sir?

- You better swear me in.
- You'll never believe it.

[crowd murmuring]

Do you swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth, and
nothing but the truth?

So help me, me.

So help you, you?

If it pleases the court,

and even if it doesn't please the court,

I'm God, Your Honor.

[crowd murmuring]
[men laughing]

- [gavel banging]
- Order in the court.

Your Honor, I'd like permission
to question this witness.

Sit down, sonny. I've
answered enough questions.

He saw me. Just like he said.

Each word true.

If the man tried to tell a
lie, his tongue would snap off.

Which I wouldn't say I
can say about everybody.

Why is it so hard for you to believe it?

Is my physical existence any
more improbable than your own?

What about all that hoo-hah

with the Devil a while
ago, from that movie?

Nobody had any trouble
believing that the Devil

took over and existed in the little girl.

All she had to do was was wet the rug,

throw up some pea soup,
and everybody believed.

[crowd murmuring]

The Devil you could
believe, but not God, huh?

I work in my own way.

I don't get inside little children.

They got enough to do
just being themselves.

Also, I'm not about to
go around to every person

in the world and say,

"Look, it's me. I wanna talk to you."

So I picked one man.

One very good man.

I told him God lives. I live.

He had trouble believing, too,

in the beginning.

I understood.

I'm not sure how this whole
miracle business started,

the idea that anything connected with me

has to be a miracle.

Personally, I'm sorry that it did.

It makes the distance
between us even greater.

But if a miracle helps you

believe that I am who I say I am,

I'll give you one, a good one.

Let me see, what's my
most impressive miracle?

Ah-ha.

Pick a card.

- Uh, uh, what?
- [crowd murmuring]

Pick a card. Any card.

[crowd laughing]

[stammers] I don't know
what you think you're doing.

- A cute little miracle.
- Go ahead, pick one.

Well, there are no cards there.

Look again.

Oh.

Oh, come on, now. [groans]

There's nothing miraculous
about good slight-of-hand.

Have you ever seen this one?

[finger taps]
[crowd murmuring]

Uh, well, yes. Yes.

I've seen them make cards
appear and disappear.

As a matter of fact,

I once saw a magician make
an elephant disappear.

Good. Now I'll show you
one that you haven't seen.

[crowd murmuring]
[shoes squeaking]

Gotta get these shoes fixed.

[crowd laughing]

Watch this, Your Honor.

[shoes squeaking]

[crowd gasping]
[shoes continue squeaking]

I know how hard it is, in
these times, to have faith.

But maybe if you could have
the faith to start with,

maybe the times would change.

You could change them.

Think about it. Try.

And try not to hurt each other.

There's been enough of that.

And it really gets in the way.

I'm a God of very few words,

and Jerry's already given you mine.

However hopeless, helpless,

mixed-up, and scary it
all gets, it can work.

If you find it hard to believe in me,

maybe it would help you to
know that I believe in you.

Your Honor, I rest my case.

[doors thud]

[crowd murmuring faintly]

Your Honor?

[men whispering]
[crowd murmuring]

This, uh,

this, uh, court is now recessed.

[gavel bangs]

May I see, uh, both parties
in my chambers please?

[Man] Do you swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth, and
nothing but the truth?

[Judge] So help you, you?

- Where's...
- Shh, shh.

[people laughing]
[gavel banging]

Order in the court.

[Sam] Your Honor, I'd like permission

to question this witness.

[Judge sighs]

[cassette player clicks]

Yeah, that's all there is.

Not one word of what I assume
we all assume we heard.

Someone must have erased it.

Nobody erases tapes anymore.

Well, then, the machine, uh...

No. Not a thing wrong with it.

He said he couldn't be recorded. God.

When he first spoke to me,

he said it wasn't his real voice I heard.

He said he was just using
one that I could understand.

He did it again today.

And there's nothing wrong
with your stenotype machine?

It took down every word, Your Honor,

except now, some of them
are not on the paper.

Don't you see?

He wants us all to decide for ourselves,

whether or not we saw him and heard him.

It's what he always said.
Everything is up to us.

No, no!

There is no proof whatsoever

that God was in that courtroom today!

No. None whatsoever.

We saw him! We heard him!

We did.

He made himself and the cards disappear!

We saw it.

On the basis of our common
experience here today,

I can see why you first
claimed, and later maintained,

that you had seen and been in
the actual presence of, uh,

of God.

And for that reason, uh,

your remarks to the Reverend Williams

could be regarded as a divine assignment.

I shall rule, therefore,

that the charge of slander be dismissed.

Sam!

Now, if, as you also claim,

it is, uh, God's opinion

that we, uh, should all
make our own decisions

and abide by them accordingly,

then I must also rule that
on the basis of the evidence,

or, uh,

or rather the, um, the lack of it,

that as much as we all may think

that what we saw here today was real,

uh, God did not, in fact,
appear here before us.

You, uh, may of course,
appeal to a higher court.

We heard from the highest court.

[people chattering faintly]
[keys jingling]

Thank you.

Goodbye, Mr. Slavick.

- Oh, Jer.
- Yeah?

We'll send you your picture.

Oh. Would you do that?

- Oh, sure.
- Thanks.

[mellow jazz music]

[soft orchestral music]

[phone ringing]

[ringing continues]

Hello?

- Where are you?
- Turn around.

Well?

How do you like it?

I'm going on a trip,

to spend a little time with animals.

I like animals.

And sometimes, I don't
spend enough time with them.

We failed, didn't we?

What are you talking? We did terrific.

I gave a message of encouragement,
you passed it along.

Now we'll see. You did good.

We both did good. We're covered.

Do you think anybody got the message?

Do you think we have
enough apples in the world?

Apples?

We got all the apples we need.

You're Johnny Appleseed.

You drop a few seeds, and you move on.

If the seeds are good, they'll take root.

I gave you great seeds. The best.

I lost my job, you know?

There are other cities,
other supermarkets.

Everybody thinks I'm a nut.

Galileo, Pasteur,

Einstein, Columbus.

You're in good company. Hold on.

Well, I better be going.

Uh, aren't you coming back?

- No.
- Ever?

When ever comes, we'll see.

Uh, sometimes, uh,

now and then, uh,

couldn't we just talk?

- I'll tell you what.
- You talk, I'll listen.

[soft orchestral music]

[lively orchestral music]