06x06 - Diary of a Mad Housewife

[bunniefuu]

Ya flinched.

Okay, Sophia.
So, it's enough of this.

I hurt you with that one,
didn't I?

Get out. Please... come on.

Hi, Sophia. Hi, daddy.

Egad!

Wuss.

So, sweetheart,
how are you feeling today?

I have blurry vision,
dry mouth, nausea,

excessive bloating,
and a frequent need to urinate.

Guess what that means?

You knocked back a case
of beer last night?

According to my book, I'm
having the perfect pregnancy.

I've had 19 symptoms so far.

Make that 20.
My nipples are sore.

I gotta get back to the home,

we're having a safe-sex seminar.

- Safe sex?
Well, you know,

you're never too old to be safe.

Yeah, right.

At my age, safe sex
means asking the nurse

to put up the sides of the bed.

My god.

Daddy, look at this.
- What?

"Congratulations,
it's your forth month.

"By now you should be feeling
a special maternal bond

between you and
your unborn child," so?

I don't feel a bond.

I'm emotionally barren.

What should I do?

Stop reading this book.

I can't feel anything!

I'm unfit to be a mother.
I'm inadequate.

- Carol, I promise you.
You are adequate.

Adequate?

That's all you think I am?
Adequate?

No wonder I have
such low self-esteem.

No wonder I was so unhappy
as a baby!

Carol, you were
a very happy baby, I swear!

Strange, but happy.

♪ Life goes on

♪ and so do we...

♪ ...one by one

♪ we fill the days

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need

♪ rain or shine

♪ I'll be the one...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

The doctor'll get back
to you this afternoon.

So, how are you today,
Mr. Garrison?

My eyes are itchy,
my throat has a tickle,

my stomach is twinging,

and there's a ringing
in my left ear.

Feelin' better?

I have sh**ting pains,
dizziness,

post-nasal drip and a splinter.

Well, they's a lot
of that goin' around.

Hey, doctor, how's it goin'?

I'm having a bad day.

On top of everything,
I just got a damn ticket.

Where the hell is Harry?

He's runnin' a little late.

Some kinda problem
with his daughter.

Now there's a shocker.

Well, he couldn't have
picked a busier day.

You know, I bet half
the people are here

just to b*at the heat.

Then turn off
the damn air conditioning.

Let 'em swelter.

I think you took one too many
cranky pills today.

Laverne, there is n...

Will you stop that!

Why are we letting mimes
in here?

He's a patient.

Hey, mummenschanz, sit down!

Nobody wants to see that.

I just love the live theater.

Daddy, don't ask
how I'm feeling.

Okay.

Don't you care?

Of course I care.

Look, here's some stuff
from when you were a baby.

I thought it might,
you know, be good for you

to see what a wonderful
childhood you really had.

Look!

It's Molly the Dolly.

You were my first little baby,
and I loved you so much.

Then they took you away
and gave you to Barbara.

- Carol.
- Sorry, daddy.

I just sort of slipped
into the past.

But this is good. It's good.
It's like therapy.

Let's see.

What does this
put me in touch with?

Don't you remember?

That's your clowny nose!

You got it when we took you
to the circus

for the very first time.

God! You were so cute!

You kept on asking
to see the "ebbyflants."

"Ebbyflants."

I wanna see the "ebbyflants"!

I was cute! Wasn't I?

Aah! "Ebbyflants"!

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

That wasn't you, that was Emily.

Emily?

- Well, I got confused.
When there are three daughters,

you have a lot
of cute things to remember.

Well, didn't I ever say
anything cute?

- Sure!
- Well, what specifically?

- God!
I'm late for the clinic, dear.

Look, why don't you
go through the box,

and we'll talk about it
when I come home?

- Okay.
Wait, daddy!

Do you remember the time
I sat on Santa's lap

and I pulled off his beard
and I called him a fake?

Wasn't that cute?

That was cute.

That was Barbara.

A-ha, Mr. Finnegan.

It's a pleasure.
It's a pleasure to see you.

All right, what seems
to be the problem?

I see, and how... how long has
your stomach been bothering you?

Two days?

Two... two... two weeks?

Can you describe the pain?

Burn! Burning... burning
sensation!

Hopefully.

s*ab! s*ab!
Stabbing pain.

Okay... pretty good.

Okay... any other symptoms?

Two... two... two symptoms.

One symptom, two words.

First word.

You're chopping something.

You're... you're destroying
something.

You're breaking something?

Okay.

Wind! Breaking wind!

You got gas!

Well, we'll run some tests,
and this is probably nothing.

But just, you know...
I just wanna be sure.

I mean... I mean
with your symptoms

it could turn out
to be an ulcer.

An ulcer?

Excuse me, Dr. Douglas,

but we got a two-hour
backup out there,

and the crowd's a-gettin' ugly.

They were ugly
when they got here.

What is chewin' on you today?

Nothing. I'm fine.

Well, it may be
none of my business...

Well, you're right so far.

Are you ready for me yet?

Come on in, Mr. Garrison.

So, what's bothering you
today, Mr. Garrison?

My eyes are itchy,
my throat has a tickle,

my stomach is twinging,

and I have a ringing
in my left ear.

Look, Mr. Garrison,
you're a hypochondriac,

and I really don't have time
for your nonsense today.

I saw you yesterday
and I'll see you tomorrow.

By the way,
where were you Monday?

I was home sick.

If it turns out
that it is an ulcer,

there are a lot of things
you can do through diet,

and, and
stress reduction to avoid...

May I?

Surgery?

I couldn't resist!

Look, look, look.
It's just a remote possibility.

It's the stress, doc!

Mime bashing runs rampant
in this country.

People throw fruit at us.

I... I had no idea.

Because the victims
refuse to talk.

I'm not gonna wait
for the test results, doc.

I'm gonna turn my life around.

I'm... I'm gonna turn my life
around starting right now!

I forgot my briefcase.

Mr. Garrison, what's wrong?

Dr. Douglas doesn't have time
for me today.

- Really?
Well, come on in.

Aah, come on.

I'll give you the once over.

Just once?

Um, what seems
to be the problem?

My eyes are itchy,
my throat has a tickle,

my stomach is twinging,

I have a ringing
in my left ear...

Muscle spasms,
skin rashes, migraines.

Whoa-whoa-whoa, what is this?

What's what?

This lump. How long you had
this lump on your shoulder?

- That.
- That's nothing.

No, really,
how long have you had it?

- A little while.
Is it serious?

Well,
probably... probably not,

but just to be on the safe side,

we'll take a biopsy
and we'll send it to the lab.

Then it could be serious?

Just... possibly.

Carol.

- Sophia...
What am I gonna do?

I don't feel anything
for the baby.

Join the club.

Sophia, what was it like
when you were pregnant?

Things were different
when I was pregnant.

For one thing, I was married.

But without
my father's blessing,

so when I got pregnant,
he put a curse on me.

- You're kidding?
What kind of a curse?

I'm a nymphomaniac.

What's in there?

Things from my past.

I'm trying to get in touch
with my childhood.

Look at this.

Yeah, it's one
of my early paintings.

It stinks!

What's this?

- Wow!
It's my mother's diary.

Are you gonna read it?

Sophia, please!

It contains her most personal
thoughts and feelings.

I know. Let me have it
when you're finished.

Oop, I gotta go.

It's Mrs. Feingold's


It's gonna be great.

First we all jump out
and yell "surprise!"

Then we draw straws
to see who gets her room.

I don't know
if I should do this.

Mom, if you don't want me
to read this, give me a sign.

Coincidence.

Let's see...

Wow, the year I was born.

"Dear diary, Harry's
so happy with his new car.

He says it's edsels for life."

Silly daddy.

"Dear diary, I found out
I was pregnant today.

"I don't know
what we're going to do.

"Harry's so busy with his
internship, he's never home,

"and now I'll have
to quit my job.

"This is something
we never planned on.

Why did I have
to get pregnant now?"

My god.

Mom didn't want me.

Maxine, give yourself a break.

Come on! Mr. Garrison
cries wolf all the time.

How could you possibly
have known?

But, Harry,
that lump could be malignant.

We'll find out tomorrow
when it comes back from the lab,

but if it is something,
at least we found it early.

No, you found it early.

I kicked him out
of my exam room.

Maxine, we've been
swamped with patients,

you have been overworked
and under a lot of pressure,

and it can happen to anyone.

Has it ever happened to you?

Sure, lots of times.

Come on,
it can happen to anybody.

But, Harry, doctors
aren't supposed to screw up.

Maxine.

I mean, come on.

I've made mistakes
with patients.

Big mistakes.

Harry, cut the bull.

I blew it.

The truth is I'm a lousy doctor.

Who's next?

Charley, you don't have
to do this.

It's no problem, Harry.

I love rifling
through other people's stuff.

It's just like when I
go through your garbage,

only cleaner.

Tell me again.
What are we looking for?

I'm not sure.

Just something
that'll convince Carol

she was loved as a baby.

What's this little couch for?

It goes with that box.

That little... yeah.

It's Carol's
first psychiatry kit.

- Wow!
It's got everything.

It's gotta little notebook,
and a fake beard and...

Hey!

What are these pictures
of these naked women

doing in here?

Charley, those are ink blots.

To you maybe.

Here's the lab report.

Mr. Garrison.
It's good news.

Yes, it is.

Now comes the hard part.

I gotta apologize.

Mr. Garrison.

I have you're test results,
and, um,

my god.

No! No!

No, I wanna apologize for
turning you away the other day.

- Let me have it straight.
How long do I have?

About 50 years.

So it's one of those
slow degenerative things?

You're perfectly healthy.

Now, I'd like to apologize.

It's not your fault
you're a hypochondriac.

It's a disease.

Just what I need, another one.

Hey, Mr. Garrison,
where you going?

I have a doctor's appointment.

Well, that must be
a load off your mind.

I lucked out... this time.

Yeah. So, you planning
on a next time?

No, absolutely not.

Well, you better,

because there's gonna be
another mistake.

For you, for me,
for every doctor.

We're human.

Don't be so hard on yourself!

That's my job.

You're a damn good doctor.

The best I've ever worked with.

Really?

Actually, no.

I mean, that would be
Leonard schnell,

but you're right up there
with him.

Come on,
just lighten up a little.

Thanks, Harry.

Guess I needed to hear that.

Good girl.

Let me get this.

Yes, Laverne?

Yeah... yeah.
No, put him through.

It's Kenny Finnegan.

The mime.

Mind if I talk to him?

I was a little short
with him the other day.

Here you go.

Hello, Mr. Finnegan,
how are you?

Hello?

Hello?

Damn it! Say something,
you boneheaded mutant!

Carol?

I came across something
I think you'll find

very, very interesting.

It's your mother's diary.

I've already read it.

You've read it?

Yeah, enough to know
I wasn't wanted.

What are you talking about?

Daddy, I know all
about mom getting pregnant,

and you being in medical school,

and your precious edsel.

I came along and messed
everything up.

- Wait a minute.
Wait... hey!

Listen.
Wait a minute!

You may have been unplanned,
but you were never unwanted.

Yeah, sure.

Read this.

I've read enough.

Obviously not.

Your mother wrote this to you

the day before you were born.

Here.

"Dear baby,

"I've been sitting here
at the kitchen table

"waiting for you to arrive.

"I wish you'd hurry.

"I can't wait to see
what you look like,

"and your father,

"doctor-please-Libby
I'm-a-professional,

is a nervous wreck."

I wasn't nervous, I was eager.

Okay, I was an eager wreck.

"We haven't met yet,

"but I feel closer to you
than I ever knew was possible.

"I can't remember
when it happened,

"but somehow, magically,

"you were no longer this thing

"growing inside my body...

"...but my very own beautiful baby,

and now I love you so much
it makes me cry."

She absolutely adored you.

- Daddy.
- Come here, come here.

I'm so sorry.

I've been driving
both of us crazy.

I just...

I wish that I could bond
with my little fetal person.

What?

I don't... whoo!

What... what... what,
what's wrong?

It's... it's... it's the baby.

What... what... what
about the baby?

It's... it's moving.

The...
My baby's kicking.

It's my baby.

My baby!
Feel it!

I felt it!

I'm a grandpa!

Dear baby,
I know you can't read yet,

though I hope you will
by the first grade.

Not that I'm putting
pressure on you,

although it would make me
very proud.

Anyway, I just want you to know
I love you very, very much,

although Freud says that love
can be a substitute

for some unattained ego ideal,

becoming a way of satisfying
one's own narcissism.

But what does Freud know?

Love...

Mommy.

Hi Dr. Douglas.

It's me.

The mime!

Ex mime.

I gave up all that nonsense.

Well, thank goodness.

He's a ventriloquist now!