05x25 - Charley to the Rescue

[bunniefuu]

- Good morning, Laverne.
- Lordy.

What's... what's the matter?

I'm just a damn fool to do it.

I'm just a damn fool.

- To... to do what?
- Set you up

on a blind date
with my friend Ellen.

All right,
you may go out with her,

but only on the condition

you don't ply her
with any manner of liquor

or pediatric sedative.

What blind date?
Laverne, I do not need

- to be fixed up... thank you.
- Really?

I haven't noticed it's exactly
beatlemania out there for you.

Laverne, there is no date.

What makes you think we have
anything in common anyway?

Well, let's see.

She's unbelievably attractive.

No help there.

Okay.

She just moved here from Boston.

She devotes her life to charity.

She's bright, witty, urbane.

No, you're right.
Came up empty.

Okay, hey,
forget I ever mentioned it.

- Fine.
- Come on, doctor!

I know you're gonna like her.
It can't hurt nothin'.

- Laverne, I don't know.
- Good.

You'll have dinner at my house
before the concert.

It'll be real casual.
Be there at 7:00 sharp.

And I better not smell
any musk on you, doctor,

'cause I know
what that's all about.

♪ Life goes on

♪ and so do we

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

All right,
let's put this computer program

through its paces.

Hello, Isabelle.

This is Charley dietz.

You remember me.
We met at the...

Airport hotel cocktail lounge.

How could I forget
your gorgeous...

Red hair, blue eyes...

And uneven Hooters.

Hello? Hello?

Hey, Charley.
What are you doing?

A friend in personnel
needs a cocktail waitress

for our next cruise.

I just computerized
my little black book,

so the honey hunt
was never easier.

Congratulations, Charley.

You're the first
high-tech neanderthal.

I can't believe
how thorough this program is.

It's the hottest date-book
program on the market...

Wilt Chamberlain's
slam dunk babe organizer

and tax planner.

- Hey.
- Emily, where have you been?

I just ran down
the 7-Eleven to pick up

a few things we needed.

The seven and eleven?
What things?

Toilet paper for $3.29.
No, Emily! No!

I had a coupon.

It's a dollar off,
which gets doubled

at the biscayne grocery...
Doubled, Emily,

which means it's almost free.

Do you know what it's like
getting toilet paper for free?

It's... it's better than sex.

Thank you.

You know, Carol,
ever since dad left you

in charge of household finances,
you have been insane...

Coupons, generics,
using the same tea bag all day.

Daddy... daddy placed
his trust in me

to run
this household efficiently.

Why is there change
in the bottom of this bag?

You're in trouble.

Well, I threw it in there.
I always do.

And you call me insane?

Why don't you just hand it
to the garbage man?

And, look, one of these quarters
is a bicentennial.

You know I collect
bicentennial quarters, Emily.

How could you?
- Okay, you've done it!

You've officially driven me
out of my mind!

Are you happy now?

No. I haven't seen
Carol happy since...

I've never seen Carol happy.

You do remember me.

Fabulous.

You wanted to marry me?

Could you hold for a second?

Help me out, wilt.

- Yeah.
- My favorite.

Sorry, but you're just
too much woman for me.

That's right.
Bye, now.

That really shuts them down.

But that was my last sh*t
to get somebody for this job.

- Job?
- Yeah, he's looking

for a cocktail waitress
for the next cruise.

Charley, you've just found one.

Look, I've waitressed before,

and I will do anything
to get away from Carol.

Take me, please.
Take me, take me, take me.

Interesting. Those words
sound so different

coming out of a sober woman.

Hi, folks, enjoy the cruise.

Excuse me.

This is gonna sound corny,
but...

Honest to god,

you are the most beautiful woman
I've ever seen on this ship.

In fact, your beauty's
inspired me to write a poem.

"Twinkle, twinkle,
little star...

Let me pat
your nice behind."

Hi.

Hey, Charley.

Okay, so that's two mai tais

and a gloom lifter.

Hi, Emily. Just took
a little time off

from my job to see you.

Charley, what exactly
is your job?

Mainly...

I have keys.

Keys.

Yeah, I've got access
to every part of the ship,

including the most important,
technical parts,

like the room
with the big wagon wheel

that makes the boat
go left or right.

I-Isn't that the bridge?

No, Emily.

You're such a land lady.

No, the bridge is the thing
we go under

when we toot the steamy thing.

- Hey, Charley.
- Hey, Alan.

Listen, he's the comic.
You're gonna love this guy.

Alan, I want you to meet
my neighbor Emily Weston.

- Hi, Emily.
- Hi.

Won't you be my neighbor?

I'm kind of busy.

That's what charo said,
until she saw my show.

I still have castanet marks
all over my body!

Ladies and gentlemen,

direct from the wacky shack
in Branson, Missouri,

the comedy stylings
of Alan Hardy.

Okay!

This guy's incredibly funny.

Good evening.
It's good to be here.

What a special treat
we have for you tonight,

ladies and gentlemen,
because right here at table two

we have whale watching
for you, okay?

Whale watching...
It just gets funnier every time.

Yeah, he's a real charmer.

Hey, lady,
smack him on the back,

maybe he'll cough up
Jonah, okay?

Jonah.

Who's Jonah?

Now, tonight, at 8:00 P.M.,
the s.S. Ocean queen

is pleased to offer mule rides

down Sally's cleavage.
Ho!

Thank you so much,
ladies and gentlemen.

And remember...

Peace and love
are the only things

that can bring us all together.

Thank you so much!
Okay.

Good night.
Drive carefully. Hey.

Okay, so that's one Mai Tai
and a strawberry daiquiri.

I'd like to order
one Emily Weston, please.

You can just deliver that
to my room

later this evening, okay?

Sorry, Alan, bar's closed, okay?

Here's a riddle.

What coughs and makes love
like a tiger?

I give up.

Room 424.

Midnight to 1:00
will do just fine.

sh**t.

I thought I could catch
the end of Alan's show.

Consider yourself lucky.

Don't you think he's funny?

I think he's an ugly,
offensive boar.

Charley, he's been coming on
to me nonstop the last two days.

That's Alan for you.

Hey, did he do "what coughs
and makes love like a tiger"?

Yes.

That's mine.

Now, if anytime,
you see me point to my teeth

that means there's somethin'
stuck in yourn.

Laverne, will you...
Will you stop it, please?

I know how to behave
with a lady.

I'm sorry. I'm just nervous
'cause it's Ellen.

You're just gonna love her.

She's wise and warm.
She's just plain wonderful.

I guess that's how
they make 'em there in Boston.

There she is!

Suck it in!
Suck it in!

Ellen.

Thank you for comin'.

Looky here, here's the doctor.

Hello, Ellen, I've heard
a lot about you. Harry Weston.

Howdy.
It's a right pleasure.

How... howdy?

Wee, that traffic
was somethin' awful.

I felt like a worm
in a bait bin.

Whee.

Ellen, I-I thought Laverne
said you were from, Boston.

Yes, siree,
Boston, Mississippi...

Home of the foremost
body-bag company in america.

- B-Body bags.
- Yep.

I'd say you're
about a size seven.

Zip.

I just love that Boston humor.
Get it? Zip.

It's the best body-bag joke
I ever heard.

Come on, y'all, now, y'all
sit down here on the couch.

Now, Boston's got
a lot of history to it.

Tell the doctor about it, Ellen.

Every year we celebrate
the Boston tea party.

I thought that
was Boston, Massachusetts.

No, our "t"
stands for tabasco...

Celebrates the fact that we are
not part of Louisiana.

We all put on our crawdad mask,

and we pour tabasco in a swamp.

Well, that's
a very interesting story.

It's not over yet.

Then we throw in a pig,

symbolizin'
a Louisiana politician.

Now, if that pig sticks
his head up,

it means we're not gonna have
two weeks of dead pig odor.

Must be hell
getting a hotel room that week.

That was a joke, doctor.

Not real quick, is he?

Like a turtle on a highway.

See you tomorrow.

Hey, neighbor!

Hello, Alan.

I've been working on a new joke.

I thought
you might be able to tell me

what you think of it.
- I hate it.

It's about a very hot,
sensual young lady.

The joke is she doesn't get it.

But if she'd just give in
for the briefest moment,

she'd finally get
a taste of paradise.

Smooth.

Well, that's a very funny joke.

I'll see you, Alan.
- Hey, don't go.

You don't know
what you're missing.

I'm as exciting as a ride
at Disneyland.

And believe me,
it's not a small world, okay?

I think you're living
in fantasy land.

Yeah, well, why don't you
stick around and find out?

- Alan.
- Hey, Charley.

She's feisty?

- Let her go, Alan.
- It's okay, Charley.

Yeah, we'll see you
later, Charley.

Emily and I need to finish
our discussion.

- No, you're...
- You're done now.

What's with you
all of a sudden? Get lost.

No. I-I'm not gonna leave
my friend here with a creep.

Watch it, dietz.

Sorry.

Drunk creep.

You just made
a big mistake, pal.

Alan, there you are.

Hey, listen, the captain
wants to talk to you

about doing a roast
for the first mate.

- Okay!
- Okay.

You're gonna get yours, dietz.

I'll meet you here tomorrow
after the show.

Please.

I'm gonna kick your butt
from here to Panama.

Panama?

No way I'm going to Europe.

Who is it?

It's me, Charley.

Be right there.

Hi.

Look, I just want to say

I really appreciate
your sticking up for me

with Alan, but...
You're not really thinking

of fighting that idiot
tomorrow night, are you?

Emily, I guess there's guys
out there that would back out,

but I'm one of those

Jean-Claude Van damme/
Joe piscopo types...

Who does his talking with these.

- So...
- So you've fought before.

Hey, it's a way of life.

It's what I do.

My fists are registered
with the maritime...

Fist registry.

Well, that's great.

But I just wanted
to let you know that I think

it's more courageous
for a man not to fight.

Emily, that's ridiculous.

But I want to hear
a lot more about it.

Well, think about it, Charley.

You're not gonna prove anything
by fighting Alan.

And, besides,
he could really hurt you.

Well, okay.

As much as it pains me to,
for your sake,

I-I won't fight Alan.

Instead, I'm going to do
the adult, mature thing.

You're gonna talk it
out with him?

No, I'm gonna lay low
in my secret hidey-hole.

- You have a hidey-hole?
- Many.

But this place is so secret,
I know I'll be safe.

It's a little cold,
a little cramped, but safe.

Hey, Charley,
just thought I'd let you know,

if you're thinking about hiding
in the ice-sculpture mold,

I already
nailed it shut. Okay!

I still don't know
what Emily was talking about,

saying I get on her nerves.

After all, she was the one
buying necessaries

at the seven and eleven.



- What?
- It's 7-Eleven.

You always say,
"seven and eleven."

There's no "and."
It's just 7-Eleven.

You hate me.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do. Clearly,
I get on your nerves too.

I bet you've been sitting
on this "seven and eleven" thing

for weeks now waiting
to blow up at me about it.

Why don't you just dump me
right now?

- Carol, come on!
- Look, I love you.

- All right.
- Okay.

- Good morning.
- Hi, daddy.

Hey, morning, Harry.
How did the date go last night?

Not great.

How come?

I guess she was so pushy
and bossy and stubborn.

You went out with Laverne?

It felt like it.

The problem is
what do I tell Laverne,

that I don't like her type?
This is very tricky.

Well, why don't you try
Charley's line?

Just say, "I'm sorry, but you're
too much woman for me."

He says they never argue
with it.

- No, I don't think so, Patrick.
- Daddy, you just need

to be honest with Laverne.
Tell her the truth.

I know you're right, dear.
It's just that it's gonna be...

It's gonna be real tough.

Don't worry, daddy.
Laverne is an adult.

She's a mature, reasonable,

understanding...

Just call in sick, daddy.

Good morning, Laverne.

Doctor, I don't want you
to get too excited,

but truth is
Ellen liked you a whole lot.

Yeah, h-how nice.

So the question is, when do
we schedule the next date?

About that,

and the answer is
Saturday at the zoo.

Laverne, um, I don't think,

it's gonna work out
with Ellen and me.

What the hell you talkin' 'bout?

Well, i-i-i-i-i...

What I'm saying...

Is that... is that I'm...
I'm not sure

that she is perfectly
suited to me.

Ellen is the most wonderful
woman in the world.

What is "not suited"?

Just tiny things, tiny things...

I mean, she seems somewhat...

You know, strong.

Well, I'm strong.
They's nothin' wrong with that.

Well, yeah, I mean...

I mean, there...
There's more to it than that.

I mean, she's...

She was also a little,
I don't know,

kind of controlling.

You need it.

Lord knows
you appreciate that in me.

- And somewhat opinionated.
- A fine quality.

I share it with her.

Doctor, if I didn't know better
I'd say you think

Ellen is too much like me.

Well, actually, Laverne...

The truth is...

I see.

Laverne...

Hey, it was worth a try.

Come on, Laverne, please, now...

Nothing lost...

Nothing gained.

Okay, okay, all right, okay.

All right, I-I-I wasn't
being completely honest

with you back there.

- No?
- No, no.

The truth is,
is that Ellen is...

Ellen is...

Too much woman for me.

- What?
- Yeah, yeah.

She's too much woman

for me to handle.

Well, that is
the first thing for you to say

that made some sense.

Well, fine.
So that's it.

But, you know,
I mean, thanks, anyway.

And how specifically is Ellen,

who you find so much like me,
too much woman for you?

Well, um...

You know,
she has a tremendous...

Sexual magnetism, whereas I

they law...

Doctor,
you are absolutely right.

You'd be like
a little itty-bitty piece

of hamburger in the shark pond.

Charley,
what are you doing here?

I decided to fight.

Are you crazy?
Why are you doing this?

Well, I'll tell you.
I was up all night

thinking about how Alan
came on to you.

Remember when he said,
"I'm as exciting

as a ride at Disneyland"?

- Yeah.
- Mine.

It made me realize
I'm no different than Alan.

Sure, I'm a little
more debonair,

a little
more sophisticated and...

Probably more of a booby man...

But deep down,
I really don't treat women

much better than he does.

Charley, that's not true.

Come on. He was
about to manhandle me.

You'd never do that.

Yeah, but maybe the words
are just as bad.

Wow. What, did the
Dalai Lama sit next to you

at the waffle breakfast
this morning?

You know, standing up to Alan

was the first time I'd ever done
anything brave, and...

It felt pretty good.

So here I am.

Well, Charley,
I'm impressed with you.

But I'm not gonna let you fight.

I have to.

Now, go along.
It's all right, really.

I'm in a very

David carradine/pat morita
kind of place.

Damn it, why are you being
so stubborn?

Hey, I'm not changing my mind.
Now, get out of here.

Good luck.

Good-bye.

What am I, crazy?

Attention. Abandon ship.
Abandon ship.

Emergency code red
has been called.

Abandon ship.

Stay calm, folks.
Move slowly.

Go find the wooden ships
with the...

Row-y sticks.

Hi.

Hey, beautiful.

Where you from?

Boston, Mississippi.

Is there another one?

How'd you like to take
a tour of the ship

with a guy wearing these...

Stripy things.

- I don't think so.
- Why not?

I don't know.

You're just
too much a man for me.