05x20 - Love and Marriage

[bunniefuu]

Charles dietz,
you've been found guilty

of having 65 unpaid
parking tickets.

Your honor, I can explain.

When a man makes as much as I do



Net.

And when he spends as much time
as I do on my yacht



Net.

Mr. Dietz.

Call me... 555-6978.

Would you please address
the bench

and not the stenographer?

Judge...

Stu...

We're both guys,

even though one of us
is wearing a dress.

Could you cut me some slack?
I'm trying to score here.

Wait a minute.
Don't I know you?

Nah.

I've only known
one talmadge in my life.

This was one hot babe

who could not get enough
of the dietzer.

You know the type... married
to some hairless geek.

I think I know
where I've seen you before.

Could you turn around,
pull your pants down, and run?

I hereby sentence you
to life imprisonment

without possibility of parole.

♪ Life goes on

♪ and so do we

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

I'm so excited
that little Carol's coming.

She was named after me,
you know?

Technically,
she wasn't named after you.

Both of you were named
after your mother's mother...

Grandma Carol.

But I was born first,

so little Carol
was named after me.

After you, but she
wasn't named after you.

I got here first.

I got grandma's Carol,

therefore, according
to the rules of genealogy,

little Carol got my Carol.

So little Carol
was named after me.

- But, dear...
- Daddy, this means a lot to me,

so let's just drop it.

Fine.
She was named after you...

Were born.

Look, Carol, here are
some pictures of your wedding.

And there's little Carol.
She was my flower girl.

She was so cute.

She was named after me.
- Yeah, I heard.

She got halfway down the aisle,

when I heard
this little voice say,

"I'm scared.
I want my mommy."

That was you, dear.

She's here!
She's here.

Little Carol!

Carol, look at you.

Hi, uncle Harry.

Emily, how's it going?
- Great.

- And this must be Patrick.
- Nice to meet you.

You don't look like an artist.

I was expecting somebody
more tortured.

Give him time.

He's only been dating Carol
a few months.

Come on, come on, come on,
tell us all about college.

I dropped out.
I'm getting married!

Married?

Can you believe it?

That is so cool.

- My little flower girl?
- Congratulations.

I met this great guy
last semester.

You're gonna love him.

Carol, are you sure
you're not rushing into this?

Mind your own business,
big Carol.

Well, come on, tell me all

about this wonderful
young man you've met.

Well, his name is acid.

Acid?

That's a good, strong name?

Don't blame him.
His parents were "hippies."

But he's totally rejected
their bogus values.

Our wedding is gonna be
real old-fashioned,

with an antebellum theme.

I can't believe that I,
Carol stover,

am about to become
Mrs. Acid publy.

Sounds like every girl's
dream come true.

Well, I think the occasion
calls for champagne.

Daddy, Patrick, why don't you
run to the store?

Together?

Yes, that way, we girls
can have a little girl talk.

All right.
Come on, Patrick, come on.

Acid... suddenly you're starting
to look good.

- Thanks, dad.
- Don't push it.

Sorry.

So, Carol, tell.

I want to hear all the details.

Well, our relationship
is just perfect.

Perfect?

We just agree on everything.

I think someone's blocking.

Carol, after you two
are married, you're gonna find

that you have many,
many differences of opinion...

Many...

So many.

Well, not necessarily.

Yes, little sister,
trust me on this one.

I speak from experience.

No offense, Carol,
but it's different with us.

You see, I'm gonna do
all those little things

you have to do
to make a marriage work.

I did those things...

Well, most of them.

What things?

Well, like,

I'm never gonna let him see me
without my makeup.

Yes, I remember saying that.

And we're never gonna go
to bed mad.

Yes, I remember saying
that one too.

And we're not gonna keep
any secrets.

We're gonna tell each other
everything.

Well, you know men,
you just can't shut 'em up...

Always wanting to yak
about their feelings.

Carol.

Honey, I'm sorry.

I'm very happy for you.
I'm more than happy.

I'm thrilled.

I'm glad you feel that way,

because I want both of you
to be my bridesmaids.

- No way.
- Way.

- Carol?
- Me? An actual participant?

Please? It would
really mean a lot to me.

Of course I'll be
your bridesmaid.

Thank you.

You know, you're like
the big sister I never had.

You want one? She's yours.
Consider it a wedding present.

I'm really glad
you can fill in today, Sharon.

My regular nurse, Laverne, broke
her foot racing dirt bikes.

No, no, no, no, really.

I tried to tell her
there's no use racing 'em.

They're always gonna be
faster than she is.

You got a great sense of humor.

Well.

God, what a change of pace...
I'm k*lling here.

All right.
Now, here's a cute one.

A woman goes
to a psychiatrist, she says,

"doctor, my husband
thinks he's a refrigerator."

Doctor says,
"that's not so bad."

The wife says, "yeah, but
he sleeps with his mouth open

and the light
keeps me awake."

Mental illness
is a very serious issue.

I know, I know, I know.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Charley,
what are you doing here?

Remember
all those parking tickets?

The judge sentenced me
to community service, Harry.

I'm doing it
here at the hospital.

What?

Harry, I had no idea
medicine was such a gravy train.

I get to wear free clothes.

I'm looking at seven floors
full of babes in white,

and I get to go home
with all the rubber gloves

I can stuff in my pocket.

You guys got it made.

Charley, i-I'd like
to straighten you out on this,

but I have sick children
I have to take care of.

Not going anywhere.
I'm gonna mop your floor.

Good.
Good, Charley.

Start.

Done.

You must be dietz.

I hear you've been here
an entire shift

and still haven't done
a lick of work.

Who wants to know?

The name's Jack Trenton.

So you're Trenton.

Yep.

I hear you're
pretty shiftless yourself.

Well, I don't like to brag,

but when it comes
to dodging work...

I'm the best.

The problem with being the best

is you're always looking
over your shoulder,

thinking maybe there's
always gonna be somebody

a little bit better,
a little bit smarter,

a little bit lazier.

In your dreams, pal.

You know, a lot have come
to this hospital.

A lot have tried
to do less than me,

but they always end up
doing an honest day's work.

I'll keep that in mind.

But I won't think about it.

Care for something to drink?

That's very impressive.

But I prefer...

Something
with a little more kick.

Yeah.

You think that's something?

I've got cinnamon rolls

Browning in an Incubator
on the fourth floor.

Well, I'd love to join you,

but as you can see
from my toe tag,

I have a nap scheduled
at the morgue.

You are good.

You know something, kid?

Between the two of us,

I'll bet we could turn
this place into an h.M.O.

Gee.

You know, somebody
should clean that up.

Yeah, you're right.

Listen, why don't you
run out to lunch now?

I'll take care of the phones.

Okay. It sure has been nice
working for you.

It's nice to work with someone
so, you know, upbeat.

Now I know how Regis must feel.

- Hi, daddy.
- The antidote.

Daddy, can I talk
to you for a minute?

Of course, dear.
What's on your mind?

Little Carol's wedding.

I'm on my way
to pick up my dress,

but I'm having
serious misgivings

about being a bridesmaid.

Why? You've been
in a million weddings.

I just can't keep quiet
and pretend

that everything's gonna
work out for those two kids,

with their unrealistic
expectations.

It goes against everything
I believe in.

Did it ever occur to you
that this isn't about you?

Don't be ridiculous.
It's completely about me.

My regrets about my marriage,
my shattered...

No, no, what I mean
is the wedding day

is supposed to be
about the bride

and what she wants.

I guess you're right.

Little Carol is so full of hope.

And while my impulse is to crush
that hope like a bug...

No, you're right.

I won't say anything.
I'll grit my teeth.

I'll be a bridesmaid.

I mean, really?
How bad can it be?

Did I, ever tell you

about the time I ran
with the bulls in Daytona?

I really like your enthusiasm,

but I foresee
an intimate moment in our future

when it will be very important
that you not laugh.

I have to go pick up
some x-rays.

Can you watch the phones for me?

Sure.

While you're up
on the fourth floor,

could you pick me up
a cinnamon roll?

Ask to see the handelman baby.

Bye-bye, Gerard.
Always nice to see you.

Drop by again.

Charley.
- Hey, Harry.

What's cooking?
- Where's Sharon?

She asked me to cover for her.

What about the phones?
Who's on hold?

- Nobody.
- What?

Hello?
Hello?

It's a little
time-management tip

I picked up from my good buddy
Jack Trenton.

Charley, this is
a doctor's office.

What if there was an emergency?

Harry...

Charley, you were sentenced
to community service

to learn something
about responsibility.

When the hell are you
gonna start thinking

about somebody
other than yourself?

I got a good mind
to call that judge

and tell him
what you've been doing here.

Please, Harry,
don't call the judge.

He hates me.

Try his wife. I did.

Pay attention to me.
I'm warning you.

You don't shape up,
I am gonna call that judge,

and you'll end up mopping floors
in the county jail.

You got that?

You, cover the phones,
and don't laugh.

Normally, I'd hit on you,

but I'm really bummed out
right now.

Buenos dias.

Muy bonita, señorita.

Me llamo Charley,

El "doctoro" de love.

Have I ever told you
how attracted I am

to a gal who can roll her "r" s?

I see you heard that one.

- ¿Y como?
- Nada, nada.

Not a thing sexy
about you anymore.

- ¿Como esta, señor?
- Not so bueno.

Mi amigo Harry really
chewed my butt out today.

Turned my sentence
into a real downer.

I mean, I'm as responsible
as I have to be.

¿Y que?

I'll have the number five
and a beer, please.

Good idea. Extra cheese.

And don't forget

- los contracciones.
- Los contracciones!

Could you keep it down?
I'm trying to order here.

Doctor, doctor!

No, no, I'm not a doctor.

I was just coming on to you.

Ay, doctor, ya viene, ya viene.

It's coming.
It's coming?

- Si. Si.
It's coming.

I'm going.
Hasta la vista, lady.

Ay, no, doctor.

Ay, Santa Maria, El dolor.
Me muero.

Hey, this Philly's
about to "damano"!

Somebody call 911.

¿Que?

Call la policia.

No policia.

Inmigracion.
No inmigracion.

- Hey, come back.
- Mira El hombre loco.

Perro tu eres...

I'm gonna get help.
Harry!

Ay, no, doctor!

Okay. Okay.
I'll stay here.

I want you to lie down
right here on your back.

- No!
- I know, I know.

That's how you got
into this mess.

Todos los hombres del mundo

son la causa de mi dolor.
Tu tambien.

Couldn't this wait till mañana?

¿Mañana?
No, ya viene, ya viene.

Okay, okay. I'm here.

It's gonna be all right.
It's gonna be okay.

What do they ask
for all the time?

Boiling water.

It's, um... this'll do.

Ay, Santa Maria!

I'm almost ready.

My god.
Her agua broke.

- Hola. Bueno.
- Hola.

So is the little guy okay?
He's healthy, right?

You checked him?
You counted everything?

You bet...
Ten, ten, one and two.

Felicidades. Tiene un hijo
muy saludable y lindo.

Gracias.

Charley, you did a great job.

Well, she did most the work.

No, no.
I mean, I have to confess.

I had my doubts,

but you came through
when it counted.

I'm very proud of you, Charles.

No big deal. Just consider
it community service.

So what are you gonna
name the baby?

I'm sorry.
¿que nombre de niño?

Charley.

Well, that's quite an honor.

What do you got to say, Charley?

Charley?

That was a beautiful wedding.

Thanks, daddy.
I did my best.

You know, I really had to work

through a lot of feelings on
this one, but I got through it.

It's over.

Now, where's the guy
with the drinks?

Come on, let's go congratulate
the happy couple.

You know, I really enjoyed that.

I think my favorite part
was when the minister said,

"do you, Carol, take acid?"

Whoa, whoa, whoa, honey,
slow down.

You haven't even eaten
yet today, have you?

You kidding?

I've been starving myself
for three days

to fit
into this lace tourniquet.

My parents wanted
to give us a honeymoon

in the south of France... boring.

We're going to six flags.

Carol.

Carol, Carol, Carol.

Carol?

Carol, Carol, Carol.

Now that you've actually gone
through with this,

there's something
I have to tell you.

Come on, Carol, why don't
we get you something to eat?

Come on.
- No, not yet.

I need to talk
to my innocent baby cousin

about the harsh realities
of marriage.

- Let's go.
- Carol, acid...

I am going to tell you

what no one had the guts
to tell me.

A mature, lasting relationship

isn't about hearts and parasols

and never fighting.

It's about hurt feelings
and paranoid suspicions.

It's about going to bed mad
and staying mad for days.

Now, I don't want to be
a downer...

But for your own good,

I think that you should know
that...

I'm gonna be sick.

Okay. Okay.
Come on, honey.

Come on.

I'm gonna hold your head
while you puke.

I love you.

This...
This is what it's all about.

Okay, just watch my shoes.

Feeling better?
- Yeah.

Do you think little Carol
and acid hate me?

Yeah.

Come on, Carol,
she's gonna toss the bouquet.

- Please.
- Not another naive ritual.

Don't be such a poop.
Come on.

No, no, this is
for the ingenues.

I'd feel silly.
I couldn't poss...

I got it!