05x16 - Pardon My Flashback

[bunniefuu]

Yeah, well, since
I'm gonna be stuck here

for the stupid super bowl game,
why can't we have regular food?

This is regular.

- I mean like hot dogs.
- Hot dogs? Are you suicidal?

No, but keep talking...

Bah bah bah bah!

This sounds like an argument.

This is supposed to be
a family day, remember.

Sorry, Harry.
All right.

I got it!

Get ready
to part with some money,

'cause my boys' gon'
kick your team's butt

from here to tampa.

- In your dreams, loser!
- All right.

Laverne, come in.

I was just about to explain
the refreshments.

Explain 'em?
What's to explain?

Mustard, weenie,
bun. The end.

No, no.
See, Carol had to go

with an haute cuisine
super bowl theme.

Lord.

I've started
with a field of vegetable pate

tinted green
with a puree of parsley.

And little goalposts
made out of celery sticks.

And here we have mussels
to symbolize...

Muscles! Get it?

Luckily, I brought somethin'
to symbolize the pig skin.

Pork rinds!

- All right!
- Yeah! There we go!

♪ I'm always here...

♪ ...rain or shine

♪ I'll be the one...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

I can't believe you're making
me spend such a beautiful day

sitting in front of the TV

while all my friends are out
in the fresh air backpacking.

Emily, dear,
we've discussed this

this is our quality time.
Family time.

Yes, dear,
this is super bowl time.

An American institution.

Since when d'you get so
interested in football, Carol?

I hate football.

But Patrick got a chance
to go to the game,

so I promised I'd watch for him
in the stands.

Carol, the Rose bowl
holds over 100,000 people.

But Patrick will be wearing

jeans and a yellow sweater.

Alright,
time for super bowl pregame!

Welcome, fans.

Yes, indeed, it is finally here.

It's super bowl Sunday

my! What a barnburner
we've got to...

Damn cable! This never used
to happen with rabbit ears.

You know, I'd be happy to hike
over to the cable company

and report this.

Sit down.
You're not going anywhere.

Well, we got over an hour
till the kickoff

I can probably
get it workin' by then.

Let me go in the kitchen
get some tool.

Great.

So what do we do
in the meantime?

I know! I've been
working on some haikus.

I'll bite.
What's a haiku?

You know,
it's a form of Japanese poetry.

I'll go get some of mine
to read to you.

Laverne!

I'm sorry, doctor.
I walked right into that one.

Haikus?

Dad, gimme a break!

Come on, you know your sister.

When it comes
to self-expression,

she's in a class all her own.

Reading chaucer
in the original middle English

is truly a lyrical experience.

Would you mind
if I read a bit out loud?

Good, listen.

"A povre wydwe

"somdeel stape in age

was whilom dwelling
in a narwe cotage."

This is just what we need.
We have to get arrested!

That's the only way the people
will know about our cause!

We cannot rest

as long as
there is one plastic bubble

protecting a chintzy gift

sent to you by some guy

who's trying to buy you off
because he dumped you.

Well, let me tell you
something, mister!

It's too little too late!

Where was I?

What do you think?

- Well...
- Look deeply, Barbara.

These are not just any flowers.

My flowers cry out:
"Let me drink!"

"Let me drink
for my soul is parched."

What a nut!

You talkin' to me?

Are you talkin' to me?

Well, you were lookin' at me.

Hasta la vista, bagel!

Okay, daddy, now tell me
what you think of this:

"'Ouch!' yes, jumpy,
that needle does hurt.

"But the medicine released
into your bloodstream

"will stop that infection

from spreading
to yet another organ."

Carol, dear, I don't think
we wanna say that.

Well, daddy,
we can't lie to these kids.

Complete honesty is essential.

Okay, let's come back to that.

What... what's next?

"Jumpy, you needed that sh*t
because during the operation

you aspirated
on your own vomit."

Doctor,
how do you live like this?

This tool box is messier
than a...

Than a...

Than a what?

Don't tell me you're at a loss
for a colorful phrase.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing, I'm sure you can make
your point with some...

Far-fetched story
from back in hickory.

She always has.

In my town,
we didn't have datin'.

You washed your hair
every Saturday night

and then when you were 14,
you married your cousin.

Don't worry. These blind people
can be very resourceful.

We had one back in hickory.
His name was dooley tippet.

Took an old bloodhound, turned
him into a good guide dog.

Things worked out real well

till one day
that dog spotted him

a rabbit tearin' into the woods

and took dooley
on the ride of his life.

Letter from home?

Tuesday was the saddest day

in the history of hickory,
Arkansas.

Uncle Walter d*ed.
He was loved by all.

Laverne, I'm sorry to hear that.

He weighed 672 pound.

That's big!

One night I watched uncle Walter

eat an entire sack of potatoes.

A couple of gallons
of pork and beans

and a half-dozen loaves
of stale sourdough bread

Louise pritchard had
brung back from San Francisco

where she was visiting
her h*m* nephew Clifford.

You're kidding me!

I swear to you!

She visits him once a year.
He works in a nightclub

where he dresses up
like Joan rivers.

Anyway, gravy morlock's
a fella back home.

Best dream interpreter they is.

Now, it was gravy figured out

that Mary Lee jenkin's dream
was a premonition

that her prize pig would meet
with an accident.

Two days later, that pig was
struck by lightnin' and d*ed.

Wow!

Well, now, naturally

some people said
it was just a coincidence

others said it was bound
to happen the way Mary Lee

kept a lightnin' rod
a-strapped to the animal.

But I say gravy morlock

is one of the wisest men
that ever lived, a true genius.

So can we call him?

No, he's not reachable.

He's outta town a-competin'

in the annual
spit-for-distance contest.

Let's see,
here's grandma Hattie.

Boy, she's a big 'UN.

Once in '57 a hellacious twister
come through town

knocked down houses,
uprooted trees

wiped out everything
except for grandma Hattie

and those twelve children

a-clingin'
to her fire plug legs.

Town pinned her
with the hickory medal of valor.

Actually, they stuck it
right in her

but she didn't feel a thing.

Laverne...

Let's talk about
this need you have for control.

What do you think that's about?

Well, I-I guess it goes back
to my growin' up on a farm.

Money was tight.

It was up to me
to bring in the cotton crop

unless they foreclose on us.

Luckily, we had the help
of a kindly but blind boarder

wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

That's a movie... that's...
That's places in the heart.

Did I say "farm"?

I meant coal mine.

See, doo had just got back
from the army

no, no, no!
That's coal miner's daughter.

Alright, alright, I'm pushy!
I've always been pushy,

I don't know why I'm pushy,
I'm just pushy.

Ay! Ay!

I told you to be careful!

That's that you get for makin'
up all them stories about me.

Daddy, hurry,
the match starts in 20 minutes.

Carol, I've told you...

It's a game.
It's not a match.

No offense, but would you guys
mind if I blew this off?

For the millionth time, yes.
This is a family day.

Now, sit down
and enjoy yourself, damn it.

Ha, ha, greetings,
gridiron fans.

Wanna practice our wave?

Charley, we can't watch the
super bowl. The cable's out.

You mean it was out, till
I shimmied up the cable pole.

Which, by the way, was worth it
just for the ride down.

You fixed the cable?

I not only fixed it.
I improved it.

From now on,
free playboy channel

for the entire neighborhood!

Charley, that's nothing
but a weather map.

They're all
"the weather channel"!

Nice one, Charley!

Now we'll never see
the super bowl.

I feel a haiku coming on.

Little football man...

You have left my TV set

no super bowl... Woo.

I have to write this down.

I'd better go check
that cable pole.

- That's it! I'm outta here.
- Wait, wait, wait...

Where do you think you're going?

I knew it!

I should've gone to Pasadena
to see the game.

You don't wanna go there, Harry.

They're expecting
patchy low clouds.

God, dreyf, could you believe
the way Harry yelled at me?

Save your breath.
That dog gives terrible advice.

Hey, Carol, was it hard for
you to move back in with daddy?

Didn't you feel like
he was interfering in your life?

Just smothering you?

No.

Actually, that was
his complaint about me.

But Barbara,
that's a different story.

She and daddy
started butting heads

before she even unpacked
her bags.

Ha, ha, this is great!
You're home!

Yay.

Daddy, you said I could
live here

the same way I lived
in my apartment.

I mean, really, in my apartment,
do you think I was celibate?

Yes!

Daddy, you're not the only one
who's embarrassed here!

I know this is something
we should've discussed

and then eased into.
- No, no, no!

There's no... There's no
discussion necessary.

- What does that mean?
- What does that mean?

That means... Rule 1:

No Chuck.

Wait a minute!
What happened to "no rules"?

Why are you acting like this
all of a sudden?

Barbara, this is not
"all of a sudden."

This has been five
very long days in coming.

Daddy, I said I was sorry
about Chuck.

This is not only about Chuck.

This is about
the whole living arrangement.

This is about nights

with the television blaring
from your room.

Going in your room and finding
not only the TV,

but the stereo and every light
in the universe on!

Barbara, hoover dam called.

They're a little tired.

They were hoping that perhaps
we could turn a few things off!

That's what this is all about!

- Utilities.
- Yes, utilities!

Number 2:

We turn things off.

Starting with Chuck!

Hi.

Barbara, dear.

Considering the fact

that you're gonna be moving out
in a couple of days

and you won't have to
put up with your dear old dad

much longer, can I say
just one thing?

Sure, daddy.

What the hell are you doing
dressed like that?

That is disgraceful!

I like it!

Look, I've been thinking
about it a lot lately,

and I think there is a chance
that Hank...

Is married.

Barbara?

You are just unbelievable.

Here we go!

- Barbara, wait!
- Daddy, don't you think

this is getting a little crazy?

I mean,
no matter who I bring home,

you find something wrong
with them.

They're not good enough,

they're not kind enough,
generous enough.

Who is it you expect me to go
out with? Santa claus?

Well, no dear,
I'm afraid he's married, too.

He's not married!

Of course he is, dear!

Mrs. Claus!

Are you telling me
that you are considering...

That's right.
Artificial insemination.

I have a list
of sperm banks right here.

We've done a lot of research
on the subject, daddy.

It's safe, easy, it's about
like having your appendix out.

Yes, but you don't have to
send your appendix to college.

Barbara, having children
is dangerous and difficult work!

That's why parents
usually travel in pairs!

Well, I don't see
why I should obligate some guy

for the rest of his life just
because I need him for an hour.

An hour?

♪ You give me fever...

♪ ...fever

♪ in the morning

♪ fever all through the night
it's now closed up here!

That's my daughter over here!
You! You, you're grounded.

- ♪ Sun lights up the daytime
- that's it, folks. Show's over.

- ♪ The moon lights up the night
- no, wait a minute.

So you see, Emily,
if daddy yells at you

or disapproves of you
or tries to run your life,

it's just because...

He loves you
more than he loves me.

Cool!

Hey! What's the big idea
leavin' the dietzter all alone

with no lovely ladies
by his side?

Charley, everybody knows

that guys who talk about scoring

as much as you do... Don't.

Blasphemer!

Honestly, what kind of woman

could possibly fall
for one of your lines?

A wide variety, a vast array.

Babes from all walks of life
and both sides of the tracks.

Being a meter maid
is dangerous work

and very few people
realize how important.

You know, a lot of us think it
would really upgrade our image

to be known as "meter analysts."

Did you say
you lived here alone?

Yup.

Who are these women?

- Women?
- In these pictures?

Are they family?

Okay, sure! Good!

I just stopped by
to show off Gina.

She has a...
Well, rather special talent.

I'm sure she does.

Give her a city,
she'll give you the zip code.

Charley, we have company.

That's okay.

Gina's incredible.
Go ahead, any city at all.

Syracuse, New York.



Is she somethin' or what?

It's like Einstein
in a tube top.

Amy, this isn't right!

You sleep with me, you make me
think you care about me

and then you walk out of my life
just like that?

Wait a minute.
This sounds familiar.

Where have I heard this before?

How did you get to be captain
of this ship

at such a young age?

Well, let's just say I didn't
sleep my way to the top,

but that doesn't mean that
Avenue's closed off to you.

You're gonna marry this woman

because you have her name
tattooed on your arm?

Yeah.

It's an American dream, Harry.
And it's coming true

for the future
Mr. and Mrs. Charley dietz.

This is weird, but I guess...
Congratulations are in order.

- Thanks, Harry.
- Sure thing.

And to think I owe it all
to this baby.

Hey, look...

It's fading.

Well, maybe the guy didn't
have enough ink in his needle.

What needle?

The needle he used
when he gave you the tattoo.

I hate needles.

This baby's pure magic marker.

Charley, all you have to do
to get rid of that

is just scrub it off.

You mean I don't have
to live with this

for the rest of my life?

Right.

Or this?

Pam...

Scram.

Good-bye.

Come on in, girls.
Don't bother to wipe your feet

'cause I don't care
about my carpets.

Ha ha ha ha!

You're supposed to be
in Vermont.

The trip was canceled, Charley.

What are you doing here?

We...

We...

All:

Your... gorgeousness.

Je suis dear.

You're wicked.
I like you!

Bernice Daphne Weston.

But it's all in a day's work.

How did it go, daddy?
Did you get the TV fixed?

I need a beer.

What happened to all the beer?

Well, this fits right
into the rest of the day.

By the way, Carol,

your pate is beginning
to curl up around the end zones.

My god!

I'm surprised you're still here.

I figured you'd be
in the himalayas by now.

Harry...

Dad...

Look, I'm sorry
if I hurt your feelings.

- Come on. It's alright.
- It's okay.

I can't blame you
if you don't wanna watch

some dumb football game
with your father.

I'm having a great time.

It's fun catching up

on what everybody's been up to
around here.

Well, all except for dreyf.

Good old dreyf.

He never does anything
but sleep and eat.

Good news, Harry!

The bitch is in heat.

I'll shop for a hallmark card.

I mean it, Harry.
The time is now.

My purebred
is ready to be sired.

So? What happens now?

It's all arranged.

It's all arranged. Amanda's out
there looking her best.

This champion blue blood
is on his way over.

Sir big Jack at coral gables.

Sounds like royalty.

Yeah, in a little while,
there'll be

a canine coupling
of two pure-bloods

that will make me rich.

My god!
Wait a minute!

Hey, dreyfuss!

Cut it out!
Stop it! Stop it!

Quick!
Harry, where's your garden hose?

Too late, it's over.

Well, don't blame me!

I only taught dreyfuss
to play roll over and dead.

No warning, no foreplay,
just wham, bam,

thank you, Amanda.

Okay, Carol, let 'er rip.

- Yes! It's working!
- Daddy! Emily!

I think I see Patrick!

No, that's Mr. Peanut.

- Laverne!
- You're incredible!

Well, it was a connector.
I rewired it.

Way to go!

But it's still a little fuzzy.

Just let me tighten it up.
Carol, toss me them pliers.

These?

Okay, go out for a pass,
Laverne!

No Sandy.
You have it all mixed up.

I'm takin' buffalo,
you're takin' Dallas.

Now, I distinctly remember
why I chose buffalo.

I went to the drugstore
that day.

I bought toothpaste,
dental floss, q-tips...

What's the point?

Well, the point is...

I got a nickel back in change...

A buffalo on it.

How often do you see
a buffalo nickel?

Don't you see? It was an omen.

A foreshadowin', a foretellin'...

Hello? Hello?

Hello?