05x15 - The Fracas in Vegas

[bunniefuu]

Steven,
your appointment is over.

You can go home now.

You sure I can't have
a lollipop?

Honey, the doctor said
no more sweets.

He thinks sugar might be what's
a-causin' your hyperactivity.

That's no fair.
Who does he think he is...

God?

Well...

Yes.

But that's beside the point.

Okay.

Steven, what are you
still doing here?

I hope they socialize medicine.

Hey, hey, hey.
You watch your language.

Doctor, what happened
to your sense of humor?

I lost it when I hired you.

- Grump.
- I am not a grump.

I'm just a little burnt out
after these past

three weekends covering
from doctor Lomax.

Poor baby, all that,

and you only make


I do not make 300 grand a year.

- How much you make?
- None of your business.

Grump.

Laverne, why do you feel
compelled to always

give me a hard time?

It's fun.

But I'm all laughed out,
and you can go home now.

It's only 3:00.

I rearranged your schedule

so you could get a head start
on the weekend.

I know how exhausted you are.

Well, Laverne,
that was really...

Very nice of you?

I can be nice.

Really?

Yeah.

This feels very uncomfortable.

Well, then get your tired
old bones out of my office

and have a great weekend.
- That's a whole lot better.

Yeah, Laverne,

you are a stubborn hick.

Doctor.

♪ Life goes on

♪ and so do we

♪ just how we do it
is no mystery

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need...

♪ ...rain or shine

♪ I'll be the one

♪ to share it all

♪ as life goes on

♪ we share it all

♪ as life goes on

- Hi.
- Good morning, guys.

Morning? Emily, dear,
it's after 3:00.

Don't you think it's
a little irresponsible

to be starting your day
mid afternoon?

And do you really think
it's a good idea

to be eating that junk?

Hey, get off my back.
You're not my mother.

If you want a baby,
have Patrick give you one.

See ya.

Emily, I know that
the transition from college

to the real world
is fraught with frustration.

And I've been there.

I'm like a cool stream
of knowledge

in the Sahara of your life.

Drink me!

Bite me.

I'm just trying to help.

No, you're not!
You're just a nag.

A nag?

I'm trying to have
a conversation with you

about responsibility,
and you call me a nag?

Of all the immature, infantile,
childish things to say.

Daddy, Emily called me a nag.

All right, now, Emily,
why did you call her a nag?

- She was nagging me.
- Well, there you have it.

Hi, Harry.
Hi, Emily.

Nag.

What's on your mind, Charley?

The theme song
from the facts of life.

But that's not why I'm here.

Harry, I've been grubbing
off of you for years,

and I'd like to repay you.

Fine.
You owe me $37,000.

Funny.

No, I want you to be my guest
this weekend in Las Vegas.

I smell a rat.

Yeah, I just k*lled one
in my kitchen.

Anyway,
I won this radio contest.

Round-trip airfare,

first-class
hotel accommodations,

and ringside tickets
to the fracas in Vegas.

The fracas in Vegas?

And you... you... you want me
to go with you?

You were my first choice.

- I was?
- Well, no.

But the invitation still stands.

I'd love to go!

This is Hector "El toro" moro
versus Billy "ironhead" waddell.

This is the fight of the year!

Daddy, fighting
is a barbaric act.

Two oppressed men, manipulated
by ruthless promoters

into pounding each other
for profit.

Boxing is a time-honored sport.

Two men in a ring...

Their only weapons
their fists and their wills.

You know, I did some boxing
when I was in the Navy.

I bet you looked cute
in those little shorts.

There was this one petty
officer who thought so.

I set him straight...

So to speak.

So, whe... whe... when do we leave?

- Tonight, midnight.
- I got to go pack!

Charley, this is great!
I can't thank you enough.

I can sleep on the plane!
Whoo-hoo!

God, it feels good to give.

Right this way, cowpokes.

Cool!

I want to take this
opportunity to welcome you

to the cowboy cowboy hotel
and casino.

My name's slim.

You boys in town
for the big fight?

Yeah.

The room is kind of small.

That there is the pool.

Hours are


That's the desert inn's pool.

Well, the key is acting
like you belong there.

Now, if there's nothing else...

Yeah, yeah.
Another room for me. Alone.

You must be pulling
my leg, sagebrush.

Town's done filled up.

There's not another room
available west of the pecos.

Thanks anyway, slim.

Whoa! Five dollars!

Can I get you some ice?

That would be great.
Go ahead.

Okay, but you got to give me
about half an hour.

I got to run over
to the dunes to get it.

Okay.

I am so tired.

I can't believe it took 12 hours

to fly Miami
to Las Vegas nonstop.

Well, propeller planes
don't go as fast as jets, Harry.

But you got to admit it was cool
when the pilot swooped down

and buzzed
the Grand Canyon, though.

Charley, he lost power
on all four engines.

We almost d*ed!

Bitch, bitch, bitch.

"The room is small.
We almost d*ed.

Charley, you threw up
on my pants."

Get a life, Harry!

Come on, we're in Las Vegas,

and it's a toddling town.

Chicago... Chicago's a toddling town.

I thought Chicago
was a city with big shoulders.

It is. It has big shoulders,
and it toddles.

You're right.
You're right.

Las Vegas is the city
that never sleeps.

New York is the city
that never sleeps.

I thought New York
was the big apple.

It is... big apple!
New York!

Leave me alone!

I'm tired.
I got to get some sleep!

That's a good idea.
You take a quick, little nap.

I'll go pick up
a couple of girls.

I don't want a girl.

Who said anything about you?

What the hell?

Whoa, Harry! When you go away,
you go far away.

No, they mixed up my luggage!

This is turning
into a nightmare.

No way. You let the dietzter
take care of everything.

I'm gonna go downstairs
to the men's shop.

I'm gonna buy you
a complete new outfit.

Really?
You're gonna pay for it?

It's a nightmare, Harry,
not a fantasy.

Carol, I-I feel kind of stupid.

Come on Patrick, it'll be fun!

It'll spice up our relationship.

- All right, all right.
- Good, good.

I wonder who that could be?

Hey, buona sera,
Mrs. Peterson.

Why, it's guido,
the musky Italian carpenter.

Guido, what are you doing here?

Hey, I fix-a the leak
in your roof.

Now your husband got to pay
guido $200.

Well, my husband,
the filthy bastard,

left town without
leaving me any money.

Hey, that's a-no good.
I got to get paid.

Well, maybe we can work
something out.

Guido, guido.
I watched you shingle the roof.

The rhythm of your hammer,

the way the seat
of your pants hung low

made me feel a flame
I've never known.

Guido, tell me, tell me...

Am I more beautiful
than your wife?

Hey, my wife
weighs-a 300 pounds.

What do you think?

- Take me, guido!
- Take me! Take me here!

Here on the stairs...

The stairs which lead
to the passionless bedroom

of my marriage.

Hey. Hey, what if Emily
comes home?

Emily is meeting friends
at a bike rally.

Would you stay in character?

Sorry. Hey, your garage
needs a new roof too!

God! Yes! Take me,
you dirty worker man!

Take me! Take me, guido!

Yes. Take her, guido.

Take her to venice
and dump her in a canal.

Not your lucky day, hon.

No, no, not really.

Actually, I'm not much
of a gambler.

I'm... I'm in town for the fights.

I ever tell you I like
a man who likes the fights?

- No.
- We just met.

Right! I went
through a windshield in march,

lost 22% of my brain.

I like your outfit.

Your, wife pick it out for you?

No, I'm a widower.

My... my friend
picked this out for me.

I ever tell you
I like a man who's not afraid

to wear plaid pants?

They really ought to give you
something to spit in.

Yeah, it's not... it's not
the best of hotels.

I ever tell you

it's good luck to kiss
the person on your right?

Listen, will you...

Could you excuse me?

I have to... I have to...
I have to use the men's room.

You should get yourself
a diaper.

You can sit here all day!

Well, thanks...
Thanks a lot for the tip.

Could I have
another Jim beam rocks?

Sure.

And something to spit in!

And to think this is free.
Blows the mind.

All right, Charley.
Come on,

who's gonna win,
moro or waddell?

Well, you know, you know,
moro's got the speed, but...

Don't look now...
- What?

Two babes at the bar
are eyeing us.

♪ I'm gonna score in Vegas.

What are you doing?

You make eye contact.
You smile.

You let 'em know
you're a man of means.

With nickels? That's
the most ridiculously stup

hi, moneybags.
Mind if we join you?

But, I didn't even...

The doctor's a little upset.
His wife just d*ed

and left him $30 million.

So you guys are biking
across the country?

Well, first we're going
up to Atlanta,

and then down to New Orleans.

I'm gonna ride naked
through the mardi gras.

The only reason
I made this trip.

Emily, there is no hot water.

Yeah, it ran out
about 40 minutes into my shower.

Emily, you know
if I don't take my 11:00 bath...

What are all these sleeping bags
spread out for?

They're gonna spend the night.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- I don't think so.

Carol!
Look, they're my friends.

I invited them to stay.
Then uninvite them.

They're my friends from college.

I will not do that.
- Then I will.

Attention!

Attention, road enthusiasts.

I'm afraid there's been
a slight misunderstanding.

You see, Emily mistakenly
invited you

to crash on our floor,

but as fate would have it,

I'm... I'm having
the carpet steam-cleaned.

At midnight?

I have a coupon.

Sorry.
You'll have to leave.

I was hired to keep an eye

on a doctor and his family.

It was a nondescript tract house

in a middle-class neighborhood.

Please, Patrick.

That's when I saw her.

Her hair was the color
of a bloody Mary...

Except without the celery.

I reached for her...
- Not now, Patrick.

Carol, what

suddenly,
the French maid entered.

Not now, Patrick.

I got turned down more often

than the sheets
at a third-rate motel.

I should've gone
with that gladiator thing.

What did you think
you were doing out there?

I don't think daddy would
appreciate knowing his home

was being turned
into a hostel for the unkempt.

- That's funny.
- See, I don't think daddy

would appreciate knowing
that you were...

Boinking Patrick on his stairs.

Are you blackmailing me?

Yes.

You know, Carol,

I remember when I was
about nine or ten years old.

You had just started college,

and mom and dad wouldn't let
you go out on weeknights.

But you used to sneak out
your window

and meet all your friends
at some club anyway.

What does my love
of disco dancing

have to do with anything?

I used to think
you were so cool.

You did?

Yeah! I mean all my friends
were so envious

that I had a big sister
as cool as you.

Yeah. I guess
I was pretty cool.

So what happened to you?

- I grew up.
- You grew old.

Watch it!

No, no, no, I don't mean old
in the sense of years.

I mean old in your sense
of intolerance

for anyone younger than you.

I am not going to listen
to some 23-year-old

call me intolerant.

Come on, Carol.
Just admit it. My friends...

Hell, my whole lifestyle
grates on you

the same way
your blaring hippie music

used to grate on Mr. Hetzel
across the street.

This is different,
much different.

- How?
- How?

- How?
- I'll tell you how.

It's... it's... it's different
in the sense...

It's... it's different
in the sense

that... that times have changed.

That's it... times have changed.

- Times have changed?
- Times have changed!

That is lame, Carol.

It really is, isn't it?

God, don't you see?

You're turning into what you
used to despise most.

My god.

I used to be so hip.

When did this happen?

Probably about the same time

people stopped using
the word "hip."

Emily, I'm sorry.

You go back
to your little party.

Why don't you come with me?

No! Me?
No. No, I couldn't,

not after what I said out there.

No, you kids go ahead.

- Come on, grandma.
- Really?

You know,
I used to dream of the day

you and I could party together.

You know what, little sister?

You are pretty cool yourself.

Duh!

Okay, who wants to party hearty

and shake their Booty
all night long?

Jeez.

Charley, Charley, wake up.
Wake up, wake up!

Hi, Harry.

You want to turn off
those pants?

Charley, come on, get up!

- Okay, okay.
- What time is it?

I don't know.
I don't know.

My watch is missing

and so is my wallet and...
And the luggage and my ring!

Hey! What happened
to my nickels?

Charley, we were robbed!

What happened last night?

I remember being at the bar

you had half a beer
and passed out.

And smokey and Desiree
and I brought you up here,

put you on the bed,
made fun of your pants.

Then the girls and I had
a drink, and then...

And then...

Then what?

And then...

Charley, for crying out loud,

they slipped us a Mickey!

And as soon as we were knocked
out, they stole everything!

They're probably
out there right now

scalping those fight tickets
for $1,000 a piece.

Well, I never had
any tickets, Harry.

What the hell
are you talking about?

Well, we were supposed
to pick them up at will call.

Wait, wait, wait, now!
No, wait!

So we can... we can still see
the fight?

Well, you still want to go?

Charley...

I almost d*ed in a plane crash.

You puked on my pants.

I've been drugged, robbed,

and I've spent
the last 36 hours with you.

It's no longer just about fun.

I need to see some blood.

There we go.

Whoo-hoo! We made it!
Here we go!

Look at this.
Here we go, here we go.

Excuse us. Coming through.
Sorry, folks.

Coming through.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

All right, all right,
all right, all right!

Charley!

- These are great seats!
- Yeah!

Well, Charley, I'm sorry.
I apologize.

I overreacted back at the hotel.

Hey, no problemo.

I'm just really glad you had
those traveler's checks.

I never leave home without them.

Ha ha ha.
You're a funny guy, Harry.

Back at you, Charles.
Back at you.

God, I love boxing!

Ladies and gentlemen,
good afternoon and welcome,

as the city of Las Vegas,
the city that never sleeps,

is pleased to bring to you
today's main event!

The n-c-b-a-r-b-e-i-e-i-o

unified heavyweight championship
of the world,

the fracas in Vegas!

God, this is so exciting!

Charley, thanks for inviting me!

Hey, thanks
for buying me a snack.

Introducing to you
in the corner on my right,

weighing in at 212 pounds,
in the red trunks,

Billy "ironhead" waddell!

Have you seen my nachos?
- What? No, I haven't.

And his opponent
in the corner to my left,

weighing in at 208 pounds,

in the mauve,
hand-stitched hoop skirt,

introducing
Hector "El toro" moro!

This bout is scheduled
for 12 rounds of boxing.

Charley,

I've always wanted to see
a championship fight!

I would never... never
would have done this for myself!

Thank you!

Here we go!

Here's your change Harry.

What happened?

Did you see that?
Waddell knocked moro out!

Hell, he knocked him
clean out of the ring.

It's over!

It's over?
The fight's over?

It was a one-punch knockout!

We just saw
fight history, Harry!

I didn't see it!
I missed everything!

Bitch, bitch, bitch.

I'm exhausted.

Here...

My luggage. Thank you.

Thank god
Charley stayed in Vegas.

I'll finally get some sleep.

I'm never leaving home again!

It's one, two, spin, and clap!
Do the hustle!

One, two, spin, and clap!
Do the hustle!

One, two, spin, and clap!
Do the hustle!

Taxi! No! Wait!

Don't go! Taxi!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Hi, moneybags,
mind if we join you?

Don't I know you?

I don't think so.

You want a drink?
- Sure!

Here's to the city
that never sleeps.

Looks like I just hit
the jackpo...