05x10 - Thanksgiving at the Westons

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Hey, Laverne,
did you order those band-aids?

No! You wouldn't believe the
trouble I had gettin' through.

Really? Radison's always
been customer-friendly.

Did you dial the right number?

Of course I did!

They got too big.
Too automated.

You can forget it doctor!
It's all computers now.

You have reached the
radison medical supply company.

- Radison speaking. Who's this?
- Dr. Weston in Miami.

- Sure! Hi, Harry.
- How can we help you?

- Hey, Charlie!
- Yeah, hi.

We'd like two gross
of the 3/4 inch band-aids.

You'll have them by Thursday.
Thank you.

Okay. Bye-bye.

How did you do that?

Well...

I'm good.

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need

♪ rain or shine

♪ I'll be the one

Okay, Mason.
Happy Thanksgiving!

There you go,
he's been such a good boy.

I'm gonna give him
a special prescription.

There you go.

You take one extra dose
of pumpkin pie after eating

caution: May cause drowsiness.
Heh heh heh!

There you go.

Real funny, doctor.
I think you cause drowsiness.

Thanksgiving!

I love this holiday, Laverne!

You don't know diddly
about thanksgivin'.

I know diddly.

In hickory,
we knew thanksgivin'.

Everybody would come
and bring somethin'.

Cousin tuppy would arrive with
baskets of jam and succotash,

the braisy twins,
Wilma and winnie,

would come with Hubbard squash
and popovers.

Aunt edna would come by with
squaw bread and pooh butter.

Uncle Ben would bring rice.

Okay, okay, Laverne.
I get it, I get it.

So I guess you're going
back home for Thanksgiving.

No.

Crop-duster accident
at grandma's house.

The government's payin'
for it too.

Now aunt edna started
to volunteer to...

It's a long story.

They all are, aren't they?

So I'll be havin'
Thanksgiving dinner

right here
in the hospital cafeteria.

$12.95, all you can eat.
Plus three different gravies.

Laverne, that's crazy!

No, I want you to have
Thanksgiving with us.

After what happen two year ago,

you gotta be yankin' my waddle!

Laverne, it was
an isolated incident.

It's forgotten.
- Not by me.

Come on, Laverne.
You'll have a great time.

Carol will be there,
Patrick will be there,

Charley and a date
will be there.

Well, thanks, doctor.
But I don't think so.

Come on. Why?

Carol'll be there,
Patrick'll be there,

Charley and a date'll be there.

Three different gravies?

Eighty-five degrees.

I love these brisk
thanksgivings in Miami.

Ha ha...
Hoo hoo... ha!

Thanksgiving! Love it!

Dreyf. It's a good day
for my dreyf.

It's a bad day for turkeys.

Aw, I just wish
everybody else was here,

all together, I mean...

Barbara's off working...
Where, I don't know,

Emily's off traveling...
Where, I don't know.

The only steady,
reliable one is Carol.

Daddy!

I've got giblets in my shoes

and I can't crisp
my onion rings.

The toaster oven's broken!

The toaster oven?
I thought I fixed that!

You banged on it.
You hit it a few times.

Daddy, you're a wonderful father
and a great doctor,

but let's face it, you're not
the handiest man in the world.

I'm handy. I can fix things.
I'll take a look at it.

I hate these floats.
It's the same thing every year.

No artistic redeeming value.

They just pander to
the lowest common denominator.

All right! Spider-man!

Who do you think would win
in a street fight?

Spider-man or Batman?

Toe-to-toe in a street fight?

Batman.
- No way!

Spider-man could spin
his web and tangle him up.

Yeah, but Batman could slice
through that web

with his bat boomerang.

Yeah, but spider-man's
got that cool spider tracer

that enables him to...
- I cannot stand this!

- Hey! Hey!
- No!

There is a pbs special
on the meaning of Thanksgiving.

What?

The pilgrims' persecution
of the Indians.

Should we be having
thanksgivings or misgivings?

Somebody sh**t her
with a blunderbuss.

I got the back
of the toaster oven off

and I've discovered
what the problem was.

It's broken.

I'll get it.

Howdy.

Laverne, I thought
you weren't coming.

Well, I wasn't, for reasons
of which you are well aware,

but it's thanksgivin'.

I decided I wanted to be
with a family.

Even if it was
a dysfunctional one.

Laverne!
I'm so glad you're here!

Welcome. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just in time for dinner.

Come on, Carol,
set another plate, please.

Well, listen, all
the regular stores was closed

and I didn't have time
to bake anything

so here's a lottery ticket
and a slurpee.

Okay everyone!
Come to the table!

All right, let's strap
on the feed bag.

Yeah! Let's get all
the Turkey. Yeah!

Okay, everyone take
your assigned seat.

I hope you like my special
holiday place cards.

I wrote each name in icing
on a sugarless cookie

cut into a fun holiday shape!

Laverne, you sit there.

Better not eat my cookie,

or I won't know
where I'm sitting.

Can I pick 'em?

I'm famished.

Every year I have this ritual.

I starve myself for three days
until Thanksgiving

then I stuff my gut till
I have to unbutton my pants

and lay there
like a big swollen lump.

He's quite a catch.

Attention, please.

Every year at this time
I always say a few words.

I'll try not to
bore you this year.

Too late

I would like to propose a toast.

I wanna wish us all a warm
and wonderful holiday.

Yeah, not like
that Thanksgiving two years ago,

the one that...
Someone ruined.

No, no, this is the time of year

when friends and family
get together.

Yes, that was
the thanksgivin' from hell

- ruined by a certain someone.
- Ladies, ladies,

come on. Let's not talk
about that Thanksgiving.

Well, there's not much
to talk about

except that it was
Laverne's fault.

- Was not!
- It was too!

Carol, Laverne, please!
Let's...

Sorry, doctor.

The fire was your fault.

- It was not!
- There was a fire?

No! No, Patrick.
There was an incident.

Somehow the oven caught on fire
and the Turkey got b*rned and...

We all ended up
eating at Denny's.

You know,
when the mayflower landed...

Whoa. Wait a second.
What happened?

Nobody knows.

I know!

I remember that evening
very clearly.

Barbara was working,

daddy and Laverne
were watching the parade

and I was doing
all the work myself.

As usual.

Carol, more popcorn.

Already popping, daddy.

Yeah! Bring me another
white lightnin' on the rocks.

Coming right up.

Shaken or stirred?

Just throw some ice cubes
in a jelly jar

and bring a jug on in here.

I'll get it.

Hello.

Hello, Barry.

Tonight?
Sorry, I can't.

What?
Okay, then it's over.

Good-bye.

Who the hell was that?

- Barry Hudson.
- Barry Hudson?

The billionaire
movie studio executive?

Yes. He had his Learjet
at the palm beach airport.

He wanted to whisk me
to Saint Croix for the weekend.

I dumped him.

It's the holidays.
My family comes first.

Did I ever tell you
you're my hero?

Laverne...

Don't bother!
I'll get it.

No, no, no.

Hi, westons!

This is my holiday squeeze,
lorna.

She's a lambada dancer.

It's not just a passing fad.

Lambada will be with us
for a long, long time.

I got a lot to be thankful for.

Charley, lorna.
I'm so glad you're here.

Come in.

Our home is brightened
by your presence.

Hey, when's dinner?
We're starved.

It's coming right up.

We had a teensy problem
with the garbage disposal.

All right, all right,
I'll take a look at it.

Don't bother.
I'll get it.

I'd help you,
but my legs is numb.

Laverne!

Carol, come on!
Where's the popcorn?

Carol, more moonshine!

Coming!

Laverne, I hate to ask,

but would you do me
the teensiest favor?

No.

Please, just turn the oven
up a smidge

from 350 to 375 degrees?

Nag, nag, nag.

I knew you couldn't
cook a Turkey by yourself.

Laverne!

And remember, just turn
the oven up a tiny bit.

Next thing we knew,
the kitchen was on fire.

If dreyfuss hadn't warned us,

the whole house
would've b*rned down.

So that's the story.

Laverne accidentally turned
the oven up to 600 degrees.

With all due respect, doctor,

your daughter is one straw short
of a haystack.

Ladies, please!
It was two years ago!

Daddy, there's no statute
of limitations on the truth.

Or on bein' nuts.

Look, I'm sorry I asked
about the whole thing.

Let's eat.

My poor emaciated darling.

I'll go get the Turkey.

- Yes!
- Hold on, missy...

Nobody's eatin' till I tell yuns

what really happened that day.

Nick was playin' winter ball
for the Caracas cardinals

and the westons was nice enough

to invite me for thanksgivin'.

Laverne, dear, you really
don't have to do that.

Nonsense.
I am your humble employee

and the least I can do

is make sure you've got perfect
reception for the parade.

There!

Hi, westons!

This is my holiday squeeze,
laylanee.

She's a hostess at
"the blue torch" restaurant.

Hi, how many are you?

I've got a lot
to be thankful for.

Well, welcome,
laylanee, welcome.

Please come in.
Happy Thanksgiving.

Sit down. Watch the parade.
Laverne, you too.

No, thanks, doctor, I'd better
help Carol in the kitchen,

that girl seems
a might frazzled.

Don't worry, darlin'.

Laverne's comin' to solve
all your problems.

Laverne, Laverne.

If it's a broken disposal,
I can fix it.

I wouldn't try
that handyman stuff.

You might get hurt.

We all might get hurt.

Are you okay?

I'm fine, Laverne.
Fine.

Laverne, my date dumped me.

You frettin' over some fella.

He was the best thing
that ever happened to me.

Barry Hudson,
the unemployed movie Usher.

Now, there's plenty other
carp in the creek.

Not like Barry.

No, no, no. You're eatin'
all the pumpkin pie

so there'll be none left
for your daddy and the guests!

Screw daddy!
Screw the guests!

Carol!

I know you're hurtin'.

But at this time of year

try to think of those
worse off than you.

Think of the poor Indians that
was mistreated by the pilgrims!

Screw the Indians!
Screw the pilgrims!

Carol!
Pull yourself together!

Now I'll take care of everything
in here in the kitchen.

This is my kitchen!

I'll do the Turkey myself!

But you are in no shape!

I'll be fine.

I may have lost
the man in my life,

but not my touch for cooking.

That is too much Brandy!

You're gonna scorch the Turkey!

Please, Laverne!

I think I know a little bit more
about cooking than you do.

But Carol, you are distraught.
Let me do the cookin'.

Laverne, please!
This isn't a pig on a spit!

It requires delicacy.

You are losin' control, girl.
Now pull yourself together.

And that's the way it was.

Carol kept a-spritzin'
the Turkey.

That poor bird took on more
Brandy than Grant at vicksburg.

It's no wonder it caught a-fire.

I refuse
to take the blame for this.

Well, you're as guilty
as Mrs. O'Leary's cow.

- I am not!
- Are too!

Enough!

This is Thanksgiving, damn it!

It's a time
for love and understanding!

This argument
is not gonna continue.

Finally, we're gonna eat!

No, we're not gonna eat!

I'm gonna tell you what really
happened that day.

We were gonna have...

Kind of a homey,
old-fashioned Thanksgiving...

...hi, Harry!

This is my holiday squeeze,
Zanzibar.

Welcome, Zanzibar.
Welcome.

Zanzibar's a hostess
on a TV game show.

What a lovely home you have.

And here's a handsome chair
made of stylish rattan

that would complement any decor.

I got a lot to be thankful for.

All right, all right.

Seems we've got
a problem in the kitchen.

Charley,
why don't you and Zanzibar

watch the parade together?
- Sure!

- Hick!
- Nut bucket!

- cr*cker!
- Yankee!

Fine.
Things are going fine.

Daddy, tell Attila, the nurse

to get out of my kitchen.

And tell that lamebrain
daughter of yourn

she don't know spit
about cookin' up a Turkey.

Laverne, this is different
than where you grew up.

The kitchen is in the house!

All right, all right!
Now, now!

Ladies!

Please! We have hungry guests.
If I have to...

I'll cook that Turkey myself.

Never mind the the Turkey,
daddy.

We have bigger problems.
- What?

Laverne jammed rhubarb
down the garbage disposal.

It's all clogged up.

It wasn't rhubarb!

It was that
damn bok choy o'yourn.

We'll never get a plumber
to come out on the holidays.

We don't need a plumber.

Carol, hand me a flashlight
and an Allen wrench, please.

Laverne, double check the switch
is in the off position.

Here we go!
Okey-dokey! Let's see here.

I'll just make sure
the reset button is engaged.

Now I'll rotate
the Allen wrench clockwise

to free up the waste
and clear the drain.

Disposal fixed.

Switch on.

Switch off.

Daddy, that was masterful!

With hands like that,
you should've been a surgeon.

As long as I'm here,
I may as well

fix that clasp that seems
to be jammed here.

Here you go.

Why, that clasp's
been broken for months!

No one's been able to fix it!

A clasp is just a clasp,

but there is one thing,
ladies, you can never mend...

That's a broken friendship.

The doctor's not only handy.

He's wise.

That's why we call him "daddy".

Turn that oven on! We've got
a Tom Turkey to tackle.

Come on, Laverne.

I'll baste the Turkey,
you serve the stuffing.

All right, we'll do it together.

Where I come from,
stuffin' is crunchy.

This ain't crunchy!

You calling my stuffing soggy?

I'm callin' it slop!

Next thing we knew,

the kitchen was on fire.

If dreyfuss hadn't warned us,

the whole house
would've b*rned down.

They got so involved
in fighting,

they forgot about the Turkey.

That's the story.
Case closed.

- That's not what happened!
- Completely wrong!

Harry, Harry, Harry...

They say your mind's
the second thing to go

when you get older.

Let me tell you
what really happened.

Look, if you don't have
any Turkey, you know,

any kind of dead bird
would be fine, really.

I remember exactly the way it
was on that fateful Turkey day.

Until I showed up,

the Weston party had all
the excitement of...

A Weston party.

Have no fear!
Dietz is here!

Hey, everyone!
It's Charley!

- That funny, wacky neighbor!
- I just love him!

My bud!
My main man! Hey!

Let me introduce you
to my holiday squeezes,

the topaldo twins,
coreen and Doreen!

Coreen was born at 5:15.
Doreen was born at 5:19.

Naturally, I'm attracted
to the younger one.

I've got a lot
to be thankful for.

Charley,
we're desperate for laughs.

Do that sound thing you do.

Well... okay.

Yeah!
He's incredible! The man!

The man! The man! The man!
It's beautiful! Yeah!

Hey, I'm sorry I can't stay.

There's a bash at key biscayne

where they do weird things
with cranberry sauce

and legal secretaries!

Excuse us here.
Charley, come here.

Come here, Charley.

Take me with you,
I need a little action.

Harry, you belong here,
with your family.

Well, screw my family.

I mean look at them there.

Come on! You got two babes!
You don't need 'em both.

If I find triplets,
one of them's yours.

Really?
You're not jerkin' me around?

It's a promise.

Ho ho, go low, my bro!
Yeah!

And that's the way it was.

What about the fire?

There was a fire?

Charley, that's insane!

Look, nobody's gonna find
any answers here.

I guess we'll never really
know who started the fire.

Every year at this time,
I might say a few words.

This year,
I'll try not to bore you.

Too late.

Yeah... anyway...

Thanksgiving is a time
for people to get closer.

Hear, hear!
I agree with that.

Closeness is good.

Yeah, I guess
we'll never know who did it.

Let's see if that Turkey
has cooled off yet.

You know, I wasn't there
that Thanksgiving.

But I saw jfk the movie, and...

I have a theory.
Perhaps there were two turkeys.

Perhaps there are three.

Everybody get in the car.
We're going to Denny's.

Cool!

What are you talkin' about?

Take a look.

It never fails.

Someone always overeats
at thanksgivin'.

Well, the holidays can be tough.

I'm sorry I blamed you
for everything.

- It's ancient history.
- It's not worth fightin' over.

I'm glad you came, Laverne.

So am I.
Here, hon.

It's an ancient remedy
from back home.

Thank you, Laverne.
This should do the trick.

Here you go, dreyf.

There we go.