05x09 - Timing Is Everything

[bunniefuu]

Doctor, your worries are over.

- What, you're quitting?
- God!

No. But if I were, what kind
of card would you send me?

Please, Laverne,
what are you talking about?

Well, I'm helpin'
my brother ludsboy

sell greetin' cards
for his school back in hickory.

They got 'em for all occasions.

These are
absolutely unique cards,

not sold in stores anywhere.

Let's say you forget
someone's birthday.

Laverne, they have cards
for that down at the drugstore.

Yes.

But are they trimmed
in genuine fake fur?

Soft.

Okay, okay,
it's for a good cause.

Good. I'll put you down
for ten boxes.

Laverne, I couldn't use
ten boxes of cards

in my entire life.
- That's true.

You are gettin'
a little long in the tooth.

I'll put you down for five.

- I'll take ten.
- You won't regret it!

Why don't you take a look
at these samples?

Great.

"Roses are red,
violets are blue,

sorry your sled was stolen."

Hey, I forgot to tell you
your old girlfriend's here.

- Who?
- That lady headshrinker.

Laverne,
she was never my girlfriend.

Look, she was a girl,
and she was a friend.

Okay, all right,
I guess I can see her.

You want me tell her
you're busy?

No, no, no.
It's all right.

As long as she's here...

Harry.

Laura.

♪ Life goes on

♪ and so do we

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need

♪ rain or shine

♪ I'll be the one...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

Patrick, I'm losing my mind.

I came in here for something.
I have no idea what it was.

You were looking
for the superglue.

That's right.
How did you know?

Carol, when you spend
this much time with someone

in intimate quarters,
you get to know

their every feeling,
their every thought.

Patrick.

Plus, your last words were,
"where's the superglue?"

I prefer your first explanation.

No, seriously, I've noticed
that our relationship

has evolved
to a new deeper level

of sharing and openness.

Hello?

Honey, do you mind?
It's personal.

Sure.

Hello?
You can deliver it today? Yay!

You see, my boyfriend saw
this exercise machine

in your catalog,
and he fell in love with it.

He has no idea
that I ordered it for him.

I can't wait to see
his face when...

Well, same to you, buddy.

It's a shame you're too hostile

to participate
in another person's joy.

Well, you look terrific!

So do you, Harry.

By the way,

thanks for being there for Stan
and me during the divorce.

I know it's... it's hard
not to take sides.

Well, can I take sides now?

I mean, Stan was a friend.
We played go together, but...

He was a jerk
when it came to you.

He never appreciated
what a wonderful lady you are.

Thank you, Harry.

I always knew I married
the wrong man.

Anyway, um, I have a patient
I'd like you to consult on.

It's my pleasure.

Um, her home situation
seems fine,

but, lately
she's been acting out at school.

Okay...

Anyway, I was thinking
it, could be chemical.

Well, chemistry can certainly
have a very powerful effect.

So, you'll, see her?

You'll see her
and run a few tests?

For you, anything!

You are so sweet.

I always said Libby was
the luckiest wan on earth.

Libby was crazy about you too.

Yeah, the four of us had
some great times together.

Come on.

Laura, do you realize this is
the first time in over 30 years

we've both been single
at the same time?

- I guess you're right.
- It just...

How about dinner...
Tonight?

You have plans?

Well, I was gonna pick up
my dry cleaning, but...

I think I can get out of it.

Good.

My, my, look at the time.

Patrick...

Weren't you supposed to go over
to your friend Jim's studio?

I said I might drop by.

You'd better get going.

Nah, maybe I'll blow it off.
Jim's got this hyper dog.

Every me it sees my leg,
it's love at first sight.

Well, honey, it's not polite

to say you're going to drop by
and then not.

Go. Drop.

Are you trying to get rid of me?

Pfft!

Am I trying to get rid of you?

Don't be ridiculous!

Is there something wrong
between us

that I should know about?
- No. Not at all.

- Why are you acting so weird?
- Well...

It's just my way.

Well, yeah.

Maybe I will head over there.

What kind of flowers
do you bring a terrier?

Dreyfuss, I have never said
this about any man,

but I thought he'd never leave.

It's here! It's here!
It's here! It's here!

Sign on line 12.

It's my boyfriend's
exercise equipment.

He's gonna be so surprised.

You see, he saw it in a catalog,
and he has no idea that i...

What is it with people?

No, no, no.

I'm afraid there's been
a mistake.

No, see, this is supposed
to be a big machine.

- Yep.
- But it's shaped all wrong.

That's because it's unassembled.

What?

Unassembled.

That means you have
to put it together.

You mean with...

Tools?

No, you shout,
"abracadabra."

But I don't use tools.

I don't even know
where we keep tools.

And my sister's out of town.

I don't blame her.

Well, wait.

Wait. Mr. Delivery man,
you can't leave me like this!

Face it, Carol,
we all can, and we all do.

Shut up, you!

- Well, what have we here?
- Exercise equipment.

It was supposed to be
this great surprise for Patrick

I had no idea
it was gonna come in pieces.

What do they think?

Everybody has tools
lying around or something?

Hey.
Tool's my middle name.

You know, I'd be happy to put
this baby together for you.

- You would?
- Sure.

- Thank you.
- Thank you, Charley.

No problem.
I know how it is.

Gals just can't do
mechanical stuff.

- Please.
- Relax.

It's not your fault.
It's like...

That part of your brain
is missing.

Of all the sexist...

Never mind.

I'll do it myself.
I'm intelligent.

I can read instructions.

Sure you can.

If I put my mind to it,
I can learn to be mechanical.

Why not? I hear there's
a chicken in Chinatown

that can play tic-tac-toe.

I refuse to buy
into that male myth.

Well, here we go.
This looks simple enough.

"Step one... raise the upright
post to the vertical position

"and insert a slot head bolt
and formed washer

through the metal plate
under the console."

Boy.

Okay, dear...

Daddy, daddy, my sweet,
precious, handsome daddy,

noble-faced, pediatrician
of pediatricians...

Carol, I'm not putting this
together for you.

Honey...

I have... I have a date.

You have a date?

In the middle of the week?

Who is she, daddy?
- Laura.

Laura kilmer?

Aunt Laura?

Well, she's not
really your aunt.

We just...
Called her that.

I know, daddy, but she's like
a member of the family.

Well, you may not know this,
but Laura and I dated.

Well, al... almost.

It was before I ever met
your mother, and...

Well, we've always been
very good friends

and now we're both single, so...

- That's differ...
- That's so romantic,

two kindred souls

rekindling a flame
that smoldered for decades.

Well, it wasn't exactly
a-a flame.

Well, what was it?

I don't know.
It was...

A spark.

Well, look, you see,
there see there was

this, college weekend
in Fort Lauderdale, and...

Well, Laura and I were both
with different people,

but on the ride down,
something happened between us.

It was... there was
this chemistry.

Yeah, it was...
It was incredible,

I mean, we couldn't take
our eyes off each other.

And then one thing
led to another,

and...

We necked.

You necked?

Yeah.

That's it?

Yeah.

You've been living off
that tiny morsel

all these years?

Don't knock it.

The only protection you needed
back then was breath mints.

How did you like the coq au vin?

It was wonderful.

The whole evening
has been just wonderful.

I know.

It's sort of like having all
those old fantasies come true.

Fantasies?

You know,

all those fantasies you have
about other people

when you're married, you know.

Well, I-I can't recall
having those.

You mean you never...

In 30 years?

You never once wondered
how we might have turned out?

I was
completely faithful to Libby.

Even in your mind?

I didn't pay any mind
to my mind.

Okay, all right,
I mean, I admit it.

I had my fantasies.
- Really?

But they were clean fantasies.

You had clean fantasies
about me?

Okay, not... not so clean.

As a matter of fact,
some of them were pretty...

Rowdy.

You know, I've thought
about that weekend

a lot over the years.

Me too.

Well, not a whole lot.

But that was
some weekend, though.

When we took off
for Fort Lauderdale,

I thought I would...
That I would go insane

if couldn't get to sit
next to you.

- Me too.
- That's why I convinced your date

to sit in the front
with my date.

Yeah, and she actually
believed by sitting there,

she would get
to the hotel sooner.

And then after hours
of secretly pressing

our knees against each other
in the backseat,

we finally pulled
into that hotel parking lot.

Yeah, and your date went in
and got the rooms...

Boys on the third floor,
girls on the first floor.

And your date went in
to make sure

they put paper bands
around the toilet seats.

And as soon as they were
out of sight...

I kissed you.

What a kiss.

And then... and then this...

Stupid bellboy knocked
on the windshield.

Well, he's not here now.

Are... are... are you suggesting

what I think you're suggesting?

Let me guess.

You already
put it together once,

but you took it apart again

to see if you could reassemble
it blindfolded.

Charley, how would you like
to be pummeled with a...

Whatever this is?

Like you don't use that
every morning

to put on your makeup.

Why is life so mean to me?

All right, if I must swallow
my pride, so be it.

Help me, Charley.
Please, help me.

Thought you'd never ask.
Dietz man's on the job

we'll have this baby together
in no time.

- You will?
- Hey, I'm a guy, aren't I?

And don't start blubbering,
or you're gonna rust this...

"Framis" rod.

You, do take
your coffee black, right?

Yeah, yeah,
I used to used to use sugar.

Then I-I switched
to sweet 'n low.

And sometimes I like cream,
but I don't know.

I'm sorry, Harry.
I don't know, I just...

Couldn't go through with it.

I felt the same way.
I don't get it.

I mean, we're crazy
about each other,

we've dreamt about this.
What happened?

Beats the hell out of me.

Listen, when we were,
you know, upstairs, did...

You find yourself
thinking about...

Stan?

No.

I did!

Look, I don't know.
I-I guess I couldn't help it.

I mean, maybe it's this place.
It's all the memories.

Every place you look,
there are pictures

of you and Stan
and the kids and...

Worse... pictures of you
and Stan and me and Libby.

Libby...

That's who
I kept thinking about...

Libby looking down on me
from heaven.

How did she look?

I didn't
actually see her, Harry.

No, it's...

You know, maybe...
Maybe we have to get away

from all these memories.
I...

I'm not giving up on us.

Neither am I.

You know, you know...

We need to find a place
that's ours

and ours alone.

You're not gonna buy
a Ford fairlane, are you?

Maybe just the backseat.

Okay...

Now hand me that baby
over there.

I'll just...
Give it a little tighten.

And next we'll add, that one.

This one or this one over here?

Whatever.

Well, I have to hand it
to you, Charley.

I puzzled over this thing
for hours.

It's taken you no time at all.

Hey, told you... guy thing.

Now, that is a prejudice

instilled in us
by a male-dominated culture.

In reality,
there are no "guy things."

Can you write your name
in the snow?

Shut up.

Okay, there you go,
little lady...

Done, finito, done-o.

But there's still
all these pieces left.

Spare parts,
in case something breaks.

Well...

Gee, it doesn't look anything
like the picture in the catalog.

Yeah, they never do.

It doesn't even look like
the drawing in the instructions.

Instructions?

Yes, instructions.

Didn't you read
the instructions?

Hey, the dietzter
doesn't need instructions.

He's a guy.
He can wing it.

What?
I would have been better off

asking that chicken
in Chinatown.

Carol, I'm home!

My surprise...
Charley, do something.

What are you doing?

First thing came to mind.

Hi, honey.

Patrick,
what are you doing here?

I thought I'd go in the
living room and watch some TV.

No, no, you can't watch TV.
The TV's closed.

Closed?
You mean "broken"?

Yes, that's the technical term.

Let me take a look at it.
Maybe I can fix it.

No, no. No.

Quick, quick.
You have to go to the store.

It's an emergency.

We're out of...
We're out of salsa.

We have a salsa emergency?

Yes. Yes.

You never know when someone
named Manuel might stop by.

Well, I-I better get going.

But before I do,
I just want to say one thing.

- What is it?
- If you don't have

that weight machine assembled
in the next 20 minutes,

I'm gonna do it myself.

- How did you know?
- It's a guy thing.

Alone at last.

The hotel looks the same.

Yeah, this is where
it all started.

Let's pick it up
from where we left off.

That visit was nice.

Real nice.

- How about some mood music?
- Yes, that's a good idea.

Okay, here we go.

- Nope.
- All right, well, another...

Another station.

- All talk, all the time.
- Fine.

I know... talk to me

about secretly holding my hand
on the drive back.

Yes, yes, it was
such forbidden fruit.

I knew it was wrong,
but I couldn't help myself.

You know, it's... it's just that
we've known each other so long,

it's like kissing...
- A relative.

It seemed like such a good idea.

But I guess some fantasies

are just better left
as fantasies.

But they were
some great fantasies.

So...

What do we do now?

Well, for openers, I'm gonna
stop holding my stomach in.

What's a seven-letter word
for "energy" or "motion"?

Um, kinetic.

Hey.

I wonder who's
on the tonight show.

Thirty years with Johnny...
It's not the same with Jay.

- No, it isn't.
- I mean...

You just get used to thinking
of Johnny in a certain way

and to try to get used
to someone new...

Like Jay.

And you just can't do it.

I care very deeply for Jay.
He's...

A wonderful person.

And there are things about him
I'll always treasure, but...

He's not Johnny.

How about a hug, Jay?