05x06 - Cruel and Unusual Punishment

[bunniefuu]

Hi, Steven.
How are you doing?

There's this girl in my class,
and she's six,

and she went into the dolphins
at ocean world.

That's great, honey.

Why don't you go read
these books?

And my brother
once ate a dollar in change

and had to go to the hospital,

and at my house, not this one,

the one where we lived before,
I had a turtle,

and they could only breathe air
for two minutes,

and then they die.

Hey, little superhero,
what's new?

Look out.

Nothing.

Okay.

Hey, little superhero...

And my mom, the other day,

she bought me the kind of
peanut butter where the jelly's

already mixed in,

but not the kind
with the nuts in it.

And then there's
this kid in my class,

and he threw a pencil
at a teacher

and it landed in her hairnet.

And did you know...

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need

♪ rain or shine

♪ I'll be the one...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

Barbara called.

She's havin' a wonderful time
on her vacation.

Says they're treatin' her
like royalty.

Wow, they're treating her
pretty well?

No, she's had her top off
on every beach

in the mediterranean.

Laverne, do I have to know this?

Well, give her a break.

She spends the whole year
undercover.

By the way, Charley may drop by.

I referred him to an allergy
specialist in the building.

Don't get me wrong, doctor.

I don't like
to pass judgment on him.

Fine. Excuse me.

Please...
You were saying. Go on.

They's just somethin'
about that Charley

that annoys me no end.

Look, I admit he has
a few faults.

A few faults?

Are we talkin'
about the same guy

that wants his ashes scattered

in Cindy Crawford's
panty drawer?

All right, all right.

But underneath that exterior,
Laverne, is a...

Well, he...

He... he is... If you look
at it a certain way...

Charley is a guy who...

Lives next door to me.

♪ When somebody loves you

♪ All the way

Sinatra.

Hey, Tex.

I happen to be from Arkansas.

Yeah, like there's a difference.

You know, all you Yankees...

Hey, Laverne...

Your hair looks good like that!

Say what?

Your hair...
It looks good like that.

Really?

I had this done three days ago,

and no one around here
said anything.

I like it.

Hey, Harry!

Excuse us,
a little medical-guy talk.

Harry, man to man,

this allergist, he's not gonna
give me a sh*t, is he?

Come on...

Hey, I really like
your hair like that.

You... you... you know her?

Nah, but it's a great line.

You know, women are always
doin' somethin' to their hair,

so the odds are pretty good.

Watch this.

You did me already.

Okay, here we go.
Come on, Jimmy! Let's go!

Yes, yes, come.

Hey, you forgot your walkman!

I suppose I could
catch him if I...

Ran.

♪ When somebody loves you...

♪ ...all the way

♪ yeah!

Excuse me, frank.

Could I have
a specimen cup, please?

Carol...

It's 1:00 A.M.

I thought you were gonna...
You know...

Come out to the garage.

I'm sorry, Patrick.
I've lost all interest in sex.

My libido is a shriveled,
dried-up shell

of it's former self.

Carol, it's been 5 days
since you finished jury duty.

You nibble at your food,
you haven't slept,

we barely talk.

You gotta do something
to pull yourself outta this.

Patrick, do you know what
it's like to send a man to jail?

To stand up and say "we
the jury, find the defendant

guilty, guilty, guilty"?

Well, maybe you shouldn't
have said it that many times.

You're not helping.

Carol, the guy was guilty!

He deserved to be sent
to the slammer.

"Slammer"? Patrick, please!

My mind is already filled
with horrific images

of where I sent this man.

Do you have to use such
graphic language? "Slammer"?

Sorry.

Let's call it
"the sugarplum palace."

That helps. Thank you.

I thought I was doing society
a service

but it's made me
a nervous wreck.

I need to find some way
to clear my conscience.

Good idea.

To truly do penance,

I should sequester myself
for the same amount of time

as that sorry soul I put away.

I was thinkin' more along
the lines of a Margarita.

Wait a second.
I think I'm on to something.

If I can just find one poor,
tormented soul to help...

How 'bout me?

No.

No. I need to find someplace
where I can work with criminals.

Fine.

Well, I'll be in the garage...

Committing a crime of passion.

You can join me if you like.

Doctor, thank god you're here.

Can you get me a professional
discount on a lobotomy?

Are you kidding?
I'll do it myself.

What's wrong?

Last night I had a dream about
someone and now I'm worried.

Laverne, I've told you before...

That premonition nonsense,
it's nonsense.

No! Not that kind
of a dream.

A dream.

A dream?

The kinda dream where...

If you's buyin'
a magazine about it,

it'd be wrapped in cellophane.

What?

A sex dream!

Laverne...

It's perfectly natural
to have dreams like that.

Not about this person.

Is it somebody in the hospital?

It's Sanders down
in radiology, isn't it?

No!

It's someone you know very well.

My god!
It's me, isn't it?

I said it was a sex dream!

And thanks for conjuring up
such a lovely visual image

right after breakfast.

Okay. Who is it?

Charley.

Charley?

My neighbor, Charley?

You had a sex dream about him?

You won't think it's so funny
if you find my lifeless body

hangin' from one of those
ceilin' fans

goin' round and round
and round...

Come on, Laverne! So, you had
a sex dream about Charley.

It doesn't mean anything.

- It doesn't?
- No! No.

You just saw him
yesterday, right?

- Right.
- Well, sometimes the mind

records certain people
in your subconscious and then...

Recalls them while
you're sleeping.

It doesn't mean anything!

Thank you, doctor!

That's a load off my mind.

Good, good. I'm just glad
I could be of some help.

Charley!

I'm going to be needing
someone for my catering company.

This is very commendable,
miss Weston.

Not many employers
are willing to hire ex convicts.

May I ask how you heard
about us?

I saw
congressman Langford on TV.

He says this halfway house
is one of his pet projects.

Well, since this is
your first time

perhaps we should start
with a less hardened criminal.

Let's go upstairs and meet
some computer hackers.

No, no!

I want a challenge.

I want a lump of Clay
that I can mold

into an upstanding
member of society.

Yo!

See, here's someone who looks
like he must be interested

in making a positive change
in his life.

Whoo!

No, here's someone
who's interested

in watching days of our lives.

Carol, this is Jake Carlson.

Jake, Carol's looking
for somebody to work for her.

Keep lookin'.

He's not for you.
No one can do anything with him.

Really?

Jake...

I want you to know that
whatever you did to get here,

you are a human being, and that
is the only way I see you.

You can't be afraid
to touch them.

Just out of curiosity, though,

what did you do to get here?

I ate too much.

That hardly sounds like a crime.

What did you eat?

A family of six in Wisconsin.

Jake!

All right, burglary.

Maybe we should meet
those computer hackers now.

No.
No. Look at him.

Abandoned by society.
Abandoned by his loved ones.

No, Mark, no.
This is the man I want.

Jake, I'd like
to offer you a job.

This is your last sh*t, Jake.

You blow this one, you're
back in the slammer.

Do you mind if we call it
"the sugarplum palace"?

Okay, the bunny cookies
are done.

There now, see?
Wasn't that more fun

than p*stol-whipping
a man in Hartford?

Six of one.

Jake, you've been working here
all morning

and you've barely said a word.

Except for that big word
you said

when you slammed your hand
in the oven.

I'm here to do a job.

Are you afraid of intimacy?

Of getting too close to people?

I've been takin' showers
with 40 guys. What do you think?

Jake... you're very armored.

I think that there's
a frightened little boy

inside of you,
struggling to get out.

Well, actually, he's in my Van.

Relax, lady!
I'm just kiddin'.

You!

Jake... let's talk.

You need to open up
about your life,

your childhood,
your hopes, your dreams!

- I was sent here to work.
- The work can wait.

Yeah, but I don't wanna get
hassled by the halfway house.

I don't wanna go back to jail.

You'll never have
to worry about that.

Why not?

Jake...

I sent a man to prison once.

And I could never deal
with that guilt again.

Let me get this straight.

Are you tellin' me
that you feel too guilty

to send a guy back to the joint?

That's exactly how I feel.

That's beautiful!

Could you get me a dozen
of those bunny cookies, please?

With these dreams
I've been havin'

I'm afraid to fall asleep,
lurlene.

Well, in last night's dream,
Charley was a gladiator.

In ancient Rome.

I was his sl*ve girl.

I had to oil him up,
which was kinda like...

Hi, Laverne!

I gotta go.
Caesar's here.

Hey, Laverne, I like your hair.

Already used that one.

Have I said you look
like you lost a few pounds?

Why don't you wait for
the doctor in the waiting room?

Right.

Are you readin'
Jack and Jill magazine?

Yeah, it's the only
crossword puzzle I can do

without makin' up words...

Usually.

I see.

By the way, you forgot
your frank Sinatra tape.

You left it here last time
you's here.

That's where it is!

No wonder I didn't score
last night!

What?

I had this tape specially made

with subliminal messages.

Drives women crazy!

They can't stop
thinkin' about me.

Subliminal messages?

Hey, what'd you think of it?

I don't know!

Too bad.
It's the gladiator tape.

Do me a favor, will you?

Give this to a friend.
I believe in sharin' the wealth.

Let's see..."A six-letter word
for the last name of an egg,

humpty 'blank'."

What is this?
The issue for gifted kids?

Yes, Jake's working out
wonderfully.

There's nothing he can't do.

But it's all in my reports.

No, Mark,
I should be thanking you.

Good-bye.

Jake, there you are.

Did you finish that article
in psychology today?

Yeah, I laughed and I cried.

Good. Then do you think
you could help me

with these pots and pans?

I'd really like to, but...

It's time for Oprah.

Oprah?

We've got an awful
lot of work to do.

Yeah, but it's about
children who are abandoned

by their fathers
and how they cope, and, well...

I really think
that I should see it.

That is, if it's
all right with you.

Aw!

Of course you can watch it.

I'll do these pots
and pans myself.

- Are you sure?
- Absolutely.

Aw...

Hey.
How's it goin'?

Patrick,

having Jake here is a rewarding
and satisfying experience.

Satisfying experience.

I could use one of those.

Patrick.

Carol, I hardly ever get
to see you anymore.

You know, ever since
you hired this guy,

you've been workin'
harder than ever.

Where is he, anyway?

He's working through some
difficult personal issues.

Hey, where's the remote?

On the desk!

He's watchin' TV?

Oprah. He needs to see it.

You know,
you have no understanding

of the rehabilitative process.

This is crazy.

You're doin' all the work
and he's watchin' TV.

Hey, I am gonna straighten
this clown out right now.

Could I have a sandwich?

You want that
on whole wheat or rye?

Can we get him somethin' to eat?

And there's this kid
in my class,

and he has a Nintendo,

and once he made chocolate milk
come out of his nose

when we were on the bus.

Well, that's great!
That's great.

When is your mom coming back?

She'll be back soon.

And once, my cousin
who lives in Minnesota...

Wait a minute,
wait, let's see...

Let's see if I can find you
a lollipop.

Quickly.

And so, when I went
to the car place with my dad

there was this guy there...

Whoa! Sinatra. All right.

Hello, Dr. Weston's office.

And at my uncle's house
in Connecticut...

- Hi, Laverne.
- There's a real pool table...

- Did you get your car fixed?
- And did you know...?

- Laverne, hold on a second.
- I had a bag of marbles...

There's someone here who...
Really wants to talk to you.

Hi... and there's
this kid in my class,

and he... And he could bend
himself all the way backwards...

Hey, what's with all the noise?

I was trying to sleep!

I'm trying to reach
the almond croissants

you knocked behind the stove.

What were they doin'
on top of the stove anyway?

You know,
I could've b*rned myself.

They were cooling, Jake.

It's the last step in a six-hour
process of making them.

Well, look on the bright side...

I had some earlier,
and they were a little bit dry.

Do you think you could
help me out here?

Nope. Back problems.

Back problems?

From what? Over-reclining?

No, I...

What?

Well, my dad used to b*at me
when I was a kid.

Jake, I'm so sorry.
I didn't...

Wait a second.
I thought you said

your father abandoned you
when you were a child.

Yeah, he did, but then...

He used to come back
to b*at us at at...

At Christmas!

Okay, Laurence Olivier...

Show's over.

Now I want you to do
those dishes

and clean up that back room!

- You're yelling at me!
- You're damn right I am!

I thought you were someone
who wanted to better himself,

but now I see that you were
just conning me.

"Con..." which must arrive
from "convict."

Ha ha ha,
that just occurred to me.

From now on,
there will be no more eating,

no more sleeping,
and no more TV!

Now get going on those dishes

before I kick your butt
across this room!

And then what are you gonna do?

Send me back to jail with
that other guy you sent up?

Time for jeopardy.

Mark, I need to talk to you.

What are all these people
doing here?

They're reporters, Carol.

They know all about
what's been going on with Jake.

God, look, I can explain...

I want you to meet
congressman Langford.

- Congressman!
- Yeah.

- Carol Weston.
- Carol!

I wanted to congratulate you
on your good work.

- You do?
- Yeah!

Miss Weston...

So you really felt this man
had the potential

from the very beginning?

Well, he just seemed
like he needed help,

but you should know the truth...

How does it feel to be
the first person in the program

to achieve this kind of success?

Success...? See, that's
what I'm trying to straighten...

Weren't you afraid

working with this hardened
criminal all by yourself?

- Well, I... I...
- Especially someone

as feminine
and attractive as you.

It wasn't easy.

To me and perhaps to me alone

Jake just seemed
like a decent person.

And despite the warnings
of others about his potential

for pathologic
and aggressive behavior...

I decided to soothe his savagery

with compassion
and understanding.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have
a brief announcement to make.

Because of miss Weston's
fine work

I have hired Jake Carlson

to come with me to Washington
as my personal chef.

He'll be a constant reminder

of miss Weston's
outstanding accomplishments.

Miss Weston,
may we have your reaction?

I'm gonna talk to the
congressman for just a second.

Congressman, you don't know
what's been going on here.

Jake is a manipulative,
lazy con artist,

and all those reports
I sent back were lies, sir.

I'm so sorry.

How many people know about this?

Just me and my boyfriend.

Keep it that way.

But, sir, we're rewarding
a man who did nothing!

That's how most of us
get elected.

Here comes the man of the hour.

Great photo op!

Hey, will they be able
to see this in the state pen?

- Yes!
- Great!

Hi, mom!

♪ When somebody loves you...

♪ ...yeah!

- Morning, Harry.
- Morning, Charley.

I love you, Spartacus.

Hello.

Hi. Is Dr. Weston there?

- No, Dr. Weston's not in.
- But can I take a message?

This is Steven.
Tell him I'm feeling better.

Okay, Steven.
Anything else?

And so yesterday,
I saw a show on cable.

But not on the big TV
in the living room.

But the one in the kitchen,

and this kid in my class

had these baseball cards,

but they didn't have
gum in them.

And so the other day,
in the cafeteria,

they served hot dog,
but they're made out of Turkey

but they taste the same.

And did you know
that in the yard yesterday,

this bully, he just whacked me
in the arm with his fist

and then I punched him
in the head.

Of course I got in trouble.