05x04 - ...Or Forever Hold Your Peace

[bunniefuu]

Now, calm down,
Mrs. Pendergrast.

Your sister's
just a-pullin' your leg

about that Dr. Spock
baby book.

There is no chapter called
"slap 'em till they're silly."

Yep. Bye-bye now.

All right, Laverne.
Come on, what's next?

Let's see.
Your friend Arthur called.

- He's on his way up.
- Great!

You guys been friends
for nearly 20 years.

How come you always bickerin'?

That's part of friendship.

Is that how come you and I
always bicker?

Um...

- Harry!
- Arthur, just in time.

Excuse me, come, come.

So, how are ya?

Just look at me.

Pain?
You're in some kind of pain?

No!

No, I'm happy!
I'm insanely happy!

Really?
Really?

Do me a favor.
Make a sad face.

- Harry!
- Come on. For me, for me, for me.

This is stupid.

Okay. Sad face.

...all right,
now back to happy.

Let me ask you something.

Do you have
any facial muscles at all?

Harry, will you get off of this?

I came in here to tell you
that I've fallen madly in love

and I'm gonna get re-married.
- What are you talking about?

You didn't say a word about this
last week at the poker game.

That's because I just
met Karen this week.

"" what?

Arthur, just one week?
That's...

That's kind of fast
to be talkin' marriage.

I knew you were gonna say that.

All right.
Let me ask you this.

Is she younger?

Yes.

Will you stop saying ""?

I didn't come here
to examine your throat.

No, that's what I thought.
It's a younger woman.

Yes. Eight years younger.
I know what you're thinking.

When I'm 94,
she'll be a frisky 86

lookin' to get rid
of the old man.

What kind of a reaction is this?

I... it's kind of... kind of
a knee-jerk thing... i...

Congratulations.

Are you happy now?

Can't you tell?
Look at me.

What?

I'm smiling!

♪ Sometimes the answer
can be hard to find

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need

♪ rain or shine

♪ I'll be the one

This sounds good!

What? They made bitching
and whining an olympic event?

What is it, Barbara,

that makes you arbitrarily
provoke conflict

because something
sounds good to me?

Why can't you be
more supportive?

I don't know.

I mean, it's not
that I'm jealous of you.

There's absolutely nothing
about you I envy.

Thank you, Barbara.

Do you wanna hear
what made me feel good or not?

Go ahead.

The cinema verite theater

is presenting a two day festival

of satyajit ray films
in the original bengali

with French subtitles.

Something in that sentence
made you feel good?

There it is again!
No support.

Daddy, Barbara's
not supporting me.

I know, dear.
I believe I am.

I mean that anything
I see value in, she knocks.

Barbara, perhaps you could
find it within yourself

to validate your sister's
point of view once in a while.

I don't think so, daddy.

- Barbara!
- All right, all right!

I'll try to be more supportive.

Starting tomorrow!

Daddy, I didn't wanna
tell Barbara

for fear of getting
sh*t down again.

But tomorrow a whole bunch
of us are demonstrating

against the company that makes
that awful plastic bubble wrap.

It's not biodegradable.

It's terrible
for the environment.

Yes, it is.

But I kind of like poppin'
those things.

Daddy!
We have to do something.

Now, what do you think
of my motto?

Make love, not plastic.

Sort of a sixties throwback.

- But catchy!
- Yes, dear.

- You're not just placating me.
- No, dear.

- Good.
- Yes, dear.

- You still listening, daddy?
- No, dear!

Daddy, would you relax?

Pacing isn't gonna get them
here any earlier.

Arthur's never late.
I bet it's this fiancee of his.

It's her fault.
It's Karen.

Karen's one of those...
Those... Late women.

My god not a late woman!

Daddy, you're trying not to like
her because you think Arthur

shouldn't marry someone
he just met.

- Is that what I'm doing?
- Yes.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I should try to be
more positive.

Starting tomorrow.

- Give me that!
- Go.

Daddy...

I've been thinking
about this Karen.

I'll bet she's a fortune-hunter.

Carol, when we talked
this morning

you saw absolutely
nothing wrong in it.

I know,
but when I watch you worry,

I get envious
and I wanna worry with you.

That's very comforting, dear.

Well, say hello to Arthur
for me.

I'll be in the garage
with Patrick.

We're having a party of two

to celebrate
his first month here.

Let me know when you have
a going-away party.

Hup!
- Harry, I'm Karen,

I've heard so much about you.

And I've heard... About you.
Come in.

Well, Harry,
what do you think of her?

It's a great first sentence.

- I bet you're Dreyfuss!
- She's crazy about dogs.

We're gonna get one.

But you hate dogs.

People grow, Harry, I mean...

All right, you're right,
you're right.

I don't like
those... those little nervous

high-strung ones
with the painted toenails.

And, I don't like big
slobbery dogs with lots of fur.

Hairless dogs
and dogs that jump on you,

barking dogs...
I don't like those.

What's left?

Stuffed dogs.
From a toy store.

Well, I'm learning
to compromise.

Arthur, you said
we were getting a real dog.

Of course we are!

I'm also learning
to completely cave in.

- Well, so... Please, sit.
- Sit.

So...

How did you two meet?

At Arthur's lab.

Someone was taking my blood

while Arthur
was stealing my heart.



How could I not fall in love?

Beats me.

So, Karen, what kind of work
do you do?

I'm a fortune-hunter.

She's in the salvage business.

She pulled up over
a half a million bucks

out of the ocean last year.

I can't even catch a mackerel.

Harry, where's your powder room?

It's up the hall there,
the second door on the right.

- Be right back.
- Okay.

So?
What do you think of her?

- She seems very nice.
- Very nice?

That's what you say when you get
socks for Christmas.

Arthur, I just talked to her
for a couple of minutes.

What do you want me to say?
- I wanna know

if my best friend
approves of my fiancee.

If you're happy, I'm happy.

Stop gushing.

No, really!
I'm very happy for you.

Okay, then you'll be
my best man when we get married?

Of course!

And before the ceremony,

maybe you can say
a little speech, you know,

wishing us all good things
in life, blah blah blah.

Well, I can blah blah blah
with the best of them.

True, true.
Now...

I got one favor to ask.

Can we have the wedding here?
My place is kind of small.

That's no problem, Arthur!

So how long do you figure
before the big day?

What? Six months? A year?

Close...

Three days.

Aren't you gonna say anything?

Blah blah blah?

People... people!

Let's make some noise!

Now, I know this is a smaller
turnout than I promised.

And the press isn't here,
like I promised.

You may be even feeling
mildly disgruntled

because the company itself
is closed today.

But I will not give in!

Now let's hear that moving
slogan I wrote for us.

No more plastic...
No more plastic...

I think I'm going to cry.

I got in touch
with a TV station.

What took you so long, Diana?

I was trying to find a payphone

that wasn't made out of plastic.

Did you tell them that
there was a riot breaking out?

Yes! I convinced them
to call the cops.

Good this is just what we need!

We have to get arrested!

That's the only way the people
will know about our cause!

We cannot rest

as long as there is
one plastic bubble!

Protecting a chintzy gift

sent to you by some guy
who's trying to buy you off

because he dumped you.

Well, let me tell you
something, mister!

It's too little too late!

Where was I?

Right!
Bubble wrap.

I will not rest until it's gone!

No more plastic!
No more plastic! No more...

Here come the cops!

Let's get arrested!

- No more plastic...
- All right, all right!

Break it up, everybody!

Carol, what are you doing here?

Dirty copper,
get your hands off of me!

I'm not touching you!

Police brutality!
Police brutality!

God, this is
a wimpy demonstration!

Where's the riot?
- It's coming.

You'd better arrest me before
these people go berserk!

What do you mean?
Arrest you?

Carol, what happened
to your supportive sister?

What's that you say?

You're going to clamp me
in irons?

All right, let's go.
They're harmless.

Except for the one
who's just annoying.

What's that? No!
You'll never break us!

We're all in this
till the bitter end!

Where'd everyone go?

Hey! Come back here!

Plastic lovers!

- Hi, daddy.
- Hi.

Boy, you'd be proud of me today!

Why, dear?

Because I didn't arrest Carol.

This could be
the proudest day of my life.

What are you talking about?

Well, she was
at a demonstration.

I hate you so much.

What?

I promised
my fellow demonstrators

arrests and publicity.

And what do you do?
Nothing!

Hey, I was just trying
to help you out.

If you wanna get arrested,
come on, we'll do it right now.

Too damn late!

I could handcuff you to the bed.

I've got Patrick for that.

Hi, Arthur.
Thanks for coming over.

Hey, no problem, no problem.

So? What's up?
Why did you call me?

Arthur...

This is...
It's hard for me to say.

Come on, Harry, we've known
each other for over 20 years,

we've never been anything
but totally honest.

Well...
Except for that one time.

- What time?
- I can't tell you.

You'd hate me...

Has this got anything
to do with my getting married?

- Well...
- What?

Um...

Okay, all right.
I've gotta be honest with you.

I think it's all
happening too fast!

So, what are you trying to say?

That you think we should
postpone the wedding?

I mean... Come on,
I want the truth.

I really wanna know
what you think.

I think you should postpone
the wedding.

Who cares what you think?

I'm not gonna destroy
Karen's feelings

and embarrass myself

just because you're not sure
this is the right thing to do.

I'm sorry!
You said you wanted the truth!

Yeah, but who wants the truth
when it's a downer?

Look, and I'm gonna forget about
you offering me your house.

Actually,
you offered you my house.

Well, I'm taking my offer
of your offer back.

I accept that offer!

- Fine!
- Fine!

Wait a minute, does that mean
he's using the house or not?

I'm not!

Laverne, did anyone call?

Not Arthur,
if that's what you mean.

Give me one reason why
I should care if Arthur called.

'Cause you've been callin' him
for the last two days?

That's one reason.

How do you know
I've been calling him?

- Hospital grapevine.
- Hospital grapevine?

He's not a doctor.

What is the grapevine doing
in Arthur's lab?

Our tentacles are everywhere.
Big Bertha is a-watchin' you.

That's... that's "big brother."

If you say so.

Doctor's office.

Hi, Bertha.

...I promise.

Thank you.

Okay, Arthur is on his way up.

I'd tell you
what he's gonna say,

but Bertha told me to play it
close to my vest.

I'd tell him everything
but the last part, Arthur.

Big Bertha's gonna fry one day.

Harry...

I think we should talk
about a few things.

I'd like nothing more.

- Me too.
- All right.

- You got it.
- Good.

Fine.

Well, we cleared that up.
What's next?

Look, I never told Karen
about what happened.

I didn't want her to know
how you felt.

And So now...
Everybody still thinks

that the wedding's gonna be
at your place.

And all the invitations
are in the mail.

I'm kind of stuck.
- There's no problem, Arthur.

Even if we weren't on speaking
terms, my house is your house.

- Thanks, Harry.
- That was easier than I thought.

See you tomorrow night.
- No, wait a...

Hey, wait a minute!
Wait a minute here!

We haven't talked about us.

- About our friendship.
- That!

Our friendship's over, Harry.

- That's what you always say.
- No, this time I mean it.

You always say that, too.

What are you waiting for?

Call big Bertha and see if
he really means it this time.

So you see, Patrick,

if you wanna find the beauty
of the nude woman in your work,

you must look within
the woman herself first.

Or feel around
a lot on the outside.

Why do you listen to
a sex-crazed, mindless idiot?

I don't know.
I just like him.

Honey,
he happens to be a client.

He gave me 100 bucks

for that piece
I was working on last week.

- You mean "death of a city"?
- Shh!

I told him it was called "woman
contemplating her Hooters."

Hey, what's this I hear

about you coming out
against bubble wrap?

It's a necessity of life.

Personally, I like to
wrap women in it

and pop my way to the center.

I thought all your dates came
in a plain brown wrapper.

Ssh! I haven't cashed
his check yet.

- You took a check?
- Bye!

Honey, I thought
you had a demonstration

at that plastics company today.
- I'm on my way.

And this time,
come hell or high water,

I will get arrested
for the cause!

Arrested?
Carol, that is crazy!

Jail is a disgusting place.

You've been in jail?

Yeah. I forgot to pay
a parking ticket.

They put you in jail for that?

Well, 200 parking tickets.

I did a night in the t*nk.

- ..."the t*nk."
- I like it.

It sounds dehumanizing,
yet somehow romantic.

Yeah well, you have no idea
what jail is all about.

You're gonna have 20 strange
women in combat boots

playing "keep away"
with your toilet paper.

I can handle that.
I've been to camp.

Carol, I'm serious!

- Please, Patrick!
- I know all about jail.

I am willing to face the rats,
the roaches,

the v*olence, the dangers,

for the sake of
an environmentally sound world.

Carol, the toilets have
no stalls.

No stalls?

But I don't understand.

What don't you understand?
There are no stalls!

We're calling
the whole thing off.

What about the cause?

I mean, we can't just abandon
our beliefs.

Yes, we can.

Carol!

You're right.

I guess we should stay.
But no getting arrested.

Let's make this an extremely
peaceful demonstration.

Yoo-hoo!
Have a nice day making plastic.

You're thinking "too peaceful"?

No, I'm thinking
about the arrest thing.

Carol, I made the riot call
before you came.

The cops are on their way.

God! Hide!

All right!
Somebody's going to jail!

Hi, barby-Barb.
I was just leaving.

Ha ha!
Too late for that.

Now which one of you
am I taking away?

Her! It was all her idea!

Carol!

Carol!
Is that your name?

Assume the position.
- No, Barbara.

Please don't do this to me.

Good acting.
Keep it up.

Yeah, we had an eye on you

and your anti-plastic cell
for some time now.

You're gonna do a nice
stretch in county.

No, Barbara, I really mean it.

Don't do this!

Very believable.
Cuff her!

- You're a real hero, Carol!
- Shut up, you!

Barbara, get these things
off of me!

You have the right
to remain silent,

you have the right
to an attorney.

If you can't afford an attorney,

you can borrow the money
from daddy.

Barbara!

There are no stalls.

Charley,
what are you doing here?

Mooching.

Arthur seems kind of uptight.

Yeah, well, we had an argument.

I told him I had some
reservations about all this.

Harry, Harry, Harry.

When are you gonna learn?

- Learn what?
- To lie?

It's the key to keeping
relationships honest.

Oops, here he comes.

You make up.

I'm gonna go over
and hit on the bride.

- Harry.
- Arthur.

Do we really have to stay
angry with each other?

- Yes.
- Just checking.

The judge is here.

Now look, don't say
anything to get Karen upset

and please keep
your stupid speech short.

Since I don't have
anything good to say,

that'll be easy.
- Fine, fine.

By the way,
I hate all your furniture.

Yeah, well, I don't like your...

Pants!

Harry, Arthur's really upset
and I think I know why.

You don't approve
of this marriage, do you?

- Of course I do.
- You're not a very good liar.

Well, I'm sorry.
I'm new at it.

I just want you to know
that we're very deeply in love.

I wish you saw that.

I think Arthur's hurting,
and that makes me hurt too,

so I wish you could...
- Karen, we're starting.

- Excuse me.
- I have to get married.

Judge eckert,
this is Dr. Harry Weston.

Harry's got a few words to say
before you start the ceremony.

Fine, fine.

Quiet down, everybody!

Before I join Arthur
and Karen here in wedlock,

Harry Weston would like
to say a few words.

Keep it short.

I got a jury due back
any minute.

Well, I simply would like to say

I wish these two the best.

Good for you.
All right,

we're here today
to join Arthur Mitchell

and Karen sterling
in holy matrimony.

Arthur, do you take Karen
to be your lawfully wedded wife

to Cherish and love as long as
you both shall live?

I know I'm just supposed
to say two words here, but...

I'd like to say something more.

Despite what some people
might think,

Karen has changed my life
in a very short period of time.

And I know that it's only
gonna get better and better

over the years,
because I love her very deeply.

And...

Yeah, I do.

Finally.

Karen, do you take Arthur to be
your lawfully wedded husband

to Cherish and love as long as
you both shall live?

The short answer, please.
- I do.

Anybody here thinks this
wedding should not go forward?

- I've got something to say.
- I'm gonna k*ll you.

All right, no, no...
Listen. Now, all along,

I've been looking to find
something wrong with this.

And I'm standing here looking
at two, people who seem to...

Truly love each other,
and I'm...

Beginning to feel
foolish and wrong.

- You should!
- Can we move this along?

I don't know, I couldn't
accept that moment of transition

you know what I mean?
And I did, I mean I doubted...

Harry, this isn't about you!

- By the powers vested in me...
- Just one more thing.

God.

Arthur, I love you.
And, Karen...

I love you because
you love my good friend

and I wish you both a long
and fruitful marriage.

You really mean that?

I do.

I think you just married
your friend.

Arthur... karen...
I'm sorry.

I didn't mean
to make any trouble.

- I know!
- By the powers vested in me...

By the state of Florida, I now
pronounce you man and wife.

That's it. We're done.
Kiss the bride.

Outta my way!

- Where are you going?
- Bathroom.

Here Arthur.

A little something
for your honeymoon.

I don't get it.

It's bubble wrap.

I still don't get it.

Here, let me show you.

Karen...

Take off your clothes,
lie down, grab one end

and roll like crazy.

Go ahead, honey.
I'll be back in a minute.