05x01 - Why Do Fools Fall in Love?

[bunniefuu]

Aah!

You blinked first.
I win.

Okay, how about a game
of rock, paper, scissors?

Laverne, what are you doing?

Tryin' to entertain your dog.

What's he doin' here, anyway?

Well, I've got a patient
who's afraid of dogs,

so I'm gonna introduce him
to a friendly one.

Everybody loves my Dreyf.

- Hi, Dr. Weston.
- There we go.

Bye, Dr. Weston.

- No.
- Philip, wait, wait.

You, put Dreyf
in my office, will you?

Philip?
Philip, come... wait.

Okay, boy, get in there.

You're about as stubborn
as your master.

Like they say, the milk-bone
don't fall far from the box.

- Come on, Philip.
Coast is clear.

Come on, Philip.

You know, I think we can help
you get over this fear of dogs.

You're not gonna make me

stick my head
in its mouth, are you?

No, of course not.

I just want you
to meet Dreyfuss.

Come on.
- I-I don't know.

Philip, you know,
I think it's time

you deal with this problem.

Your dad told me
you quit walking to school

because you're afraid
of that dog down the block.

Fluffy.

A toy poodle... he's a menace.

The chauffeur
drives me to school now.

Most dogs are really very nice.

I just... please, just come
say hello to Dreyf,

and you can see for yourself.

- Okay.
You're insured, right?

Hey, don't you worry
about the dog.

I'm the one who bites.

Here we go.

Hey, look, Dreyf,
we have company.

- My god.
- He's showing his teeth.

- No, no, no.
No, Philip, stop.

He's yawning.

Look at that.

My sweet boy... look at him.

Now, come on down here.

You hold out your hand.
Let him sniff it.

That way,
he knows you're friendly.

Okay.

He's tasting me.

No, he's kissing you.

He's kissing me.

- No, yes.
No, that means he likes you.

- It does?
- Yeah.

Does he know how to shake?

Are you kidding me?

Dreyf, come on, shake, shake.

Yeah.
See?

Good boy.

Now, that means
he's your friend.

That means he's your friend.

And that means
he wants you to pet him.

Yeah.
Yeah, sweet boy.

What does that mean?

That means
he's really got to go.

Come on, Dreyf, let's...
Hold the elevator!

Of course I miss you, Patrick.

It's two more interminable days

until we kiss again,
until we touch again,

until we feel each...
- Your father's in the room.

Better run, my darling.

All we're doing
is frustrating each other.

And making it impossible
to keep breakfast down.

Au revoir, mon amour.

What does a person have to do

to get a little privacy
around here?

Move?
I don't...

...hail, people of Weston house.

I bring you greetings
from curacao,

and my laundry
for the past two weeks.

Leave it, and I burn it.

Carol.

How I've missed
our daily pleasantries.

- Slime.
- Hag.

God, it's good to be home.

So, Charley, how was the cruise?

Same old, same old.

A little sand, little sun,
little death thr*at.

You guys know
we're out of headcheese?

Better add that to my list.

Charley, someone
threatened your life?

Yeah, this passenger babe
I had a fling with on the ship.

Look what she did
to my underwear.

My god.
She cut out the crotch.

No, I did that.

But look what
she wrote on the back.

"I know where you live.
You will die."

God, that's terrible.

Wait a minute.
That's my underwear.

I got a maniac on my hands,

and all you think about
is you, you, you.

- Here.
- God.

You don't have to be a maniac

to write you
a death thr*at, Charley.

Now, wait a second, Carol.
This could be serious.

Charley, tell me
more about this woman.

Well, first of all,
she was double-jointed...

Everywhere.

That's not what I mean, Charley.

Well, her name was Jane,

and you should have seen
her eyes light up

when I asked her to marry me.

You proposed to her?

Yeah.

You make it sound
like I was leading her on.

I dumped her
first thing next morning.

You're dead.

Are you dead.

So, Barbara, maybe it's time
we called your cop buddies

and had old Jane hauled off
to the loony bin.

Charley,
it doesn't work that way.

The police can't do anything

unless she does
something to you.

You're kidding, right?

I mean, what do I pay taxes for?

That is, if I paid taxes.

Look, if it'll make
you feel better,

I'll drop by tonight after work
and check on you, okay?

Thanks, Barbara.

Charley, how can you keep
treating women like this?

I mean, how would you feel
if a woman treated you

the way you treated this woman?

Well, let's see.

Get me drunk, propose to me
just to get me into bed,

cover me with salsa,

put a Tequila worm
in my belly button...

Harry, I'm the woman
of my dreams.

Well, your bathroom window
was unlocked.

Well, thanks
for checking out the place.

No problem.
Okay, Charley, I'm gonna go.

You're leaving?
Can't you stay for a beer?

It'll just take me a sec to run
to your house and get one.

Charley, I just finished
a double shift... I'm exhausted.

I understand.

You get your rest.

No reason two of us have to wait
for her to come and k*ll me.

Aren't you gonna get that?

Probably just another hang-up...
I've been getting them all day.

Hello?

Yes, this is Charles dietz.

What?

Who is this?

What kind of person
would say something

so sick and disgusting

without asking
for my credit card first?

You what?
You're gonna do what?

Carol, get off the phone.

You probably think
I'm a real wimp

for letting Carol frighten me.

Not really.

Carol frightens a lot of guys.

Look, Charley,
I know you're scared,

but you can't panic.

We have to be adults here.

Cool!
You've got turbo hot rods?

Yeah. I picked it up
a couple years ago

when I gave up smoking.
- Good idea.

Well, I needed
something to do after sex.

You know, Charley, you
probably wouldn't be in this jam

if you were a little more
careful about who you dated.

If I was more careful
about who I dated,

I wouldn't date.

You're good!

Most women can't get it
around the track once

without their cars flying off.

- Hoo-hoo!
- Damn, you b*at me.

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

- You're into the stooges?
- What, are you kidding?

Wha-ba-ba, wha-ba-ba!

Wow...

A babe who can road race
and likes the stooges.

You know,
I got all their videos.

Really?
You got the one

where the three of them
go to Hollywood

and become movie stars.
- Yeah.

What about that one
when they're trying

to fix the water pump

and they pump oil
on curly's head?

No, no, that was moe.

Curly sat on the pump
and sh*t up in the sky.

No, that was
oily to bed, oily to rise.

Was not, you ka-knucklehead.

- Was too, lamebrain!
- Was not!

No, Dreyf, you know the routine.

First, my coffee,
then your walk.

First, I wash my hand,
then my coffee, then your walk.

Philip, what a nice surprise.

- Ew.
- Sorry.

- Morning, Dr. Weston.
- Hi.

Hey, boy, did you miss me?

I hope you don't mind
me coming over.

No.

Can I take Dreyfuss for a walk?

Sure you can.
Absolutely. Come on.

You just walk him up and down
the block a couple of times.

Don't cross any streets.

Okay.
I'll take good care of him.

Okay. See you.

I'd say that kid is cured.

Morning, Harry.
Listen, I got this problem.

Charley, you know the routine.

First, my coffee,
then your problems.

Harry, I think I found her...

The babe... I mean, woman...

Who'll make me
forget all the rest,

even the ones that'll do
anything after two light beers.

- Sounds serious.
- I think it is.

I actually spent
the entire night with her

and didn't touch her.

That's a first for me, Harry.

Well, I suppose
you should try everything once.

The weird part is
I'm happy just talking to her.

It's like I have fun with her

without actually
having fun with her.

What's happening to me, Harry?

Well, maybe
you're becoming an adult.

Or not.

I think it's love.

So do I tell her how I feel,

or should I just let her
find me hanging naked

in my gravity boots?

- Hey, guys.
- Morning, babe.

Morning, Barbara.

You're, you're looking
lovelier than ever.

- Wise guy?
- Wha-ba-ba, wha-ba-ba!

So, what time
are you gonna drop by tonight?

I wasn't planning on coming by.

If that woman
didn't show up last night,

you're gonna be fine.

Great.

But, you know, you can still
come by to talk if you want.

Well, maybe some other time.
I got to go.

Well, if you get finished early

and... and you need
something to do,

I'll probably be up...

Upside down, actually,
in my gravity boots.

What are you doin' on my phone?

Dreyfuss is missing.

A neighbor saw Philip put him
in his limo and drive off.

And it's not your phone.

Hello, Mr. Logan?

It is my phone.

Can we talk
about this later, please?

Hi, this is Dr. Weston.
Um, is Philip there?

He's outside
with Dreyfuss. Thank god.

Thank me?

No, sir.
No, no. Excuse me.

There... there's been
a misunderstanding.

I did not give
my dog to your son. I...

Why don't I drop by after work,

and we can straighten this out?

All right.
Yeah, great. Bye-bye.

You gon' get your dog back?

Yeah, yeah.
I'll... I'll get him tonight.

Laverne...

It's your phone.
You answer it.

I just want to thank you
for coming by, Dr. Weston.

I just feel terrible
about what's happened.

Well, considering the
circumstances, it's really okay.

No, it's not okay.

I mean,
taking someone's property

without their permission...
That's stealing.

Well, I wouldn't be
too hard on the boy.

However, if you...
You know, you pay the guy,

that would be considered,
you know,

plain old American dealing.

Mr. Logan,
you can't buy my dog for $100,

not for $200, not for

$10,000?

Yeah.

And I can make that cash

if you're worried
about the feds.

No, please,
just... just give me my dog.

Really?
You sure?

Philip, son,

could you come down
to the library right away

and, bring the dog?

I dread this.

I've had a terrible time
refusing the boy anything

ever since his mother ran off
with our personal trainer.

Yeah, I know how difficult it is

to raise a child
all by yourself.

Yeah, must be.

Fortunately, I have
a pretty good sized staff here.

Dr. Weston, do you think
that maybe, you know,

you could break
the bad news to Philip?

Don't you think
it would be easier on the boy

if it came from someone closer?

Yeah, I suppose you're right.
I'll have the chauffeur do it.

No, no, no, no, no, sir.

No, never mind.
I'll... I'll do it.

Hi, Dr. Weston.

Hey, look who's here, scamp.

- S-Scamp?
- Scamp.

I gave him a new name
to go with his new home.

Philip, I'm... I'm here
to take Dreyfuss home with me.

- Dad.
- Son, I tried.

Then try harder.

Did you tell him
he doesn't have to declare it?

Philip, you have to understand.

Dreyf and I have been best
friends for a very long time.

He belongs with me.

But I want him.

Well, I'm sorry no one's
ever told you this before,

but, you can't always have
everything you want.

How would you feel
if I came in here

and took away someone you love,
like your big brother?

They already took him.

He's in rehab.

Philip, there are
some things money can't buy,

like friendship and love...

Or my dog.

Don't you want Dreyf
to be where he's happiest?

I guess so.

But we've got ten acres
for him to run around in

and steak
for dinner every night.

Where would you rather live?

With my family.

Philip, one of the great things
you learn from having a dog

is that love and loyalty

are much more important
than things.

Now, you can come visit Dreyf
anytime you want,

but right now we're going home.

Come on, Dreyf.
Come on.

Scamp, scamp,
look what I got for you.

Dreyf?

See?

I, I'm sorry.

Hey, Dreyf,
how's my favorite hostage?

Yeah.

He's home and...

And rearing to nap.

Want to join us
for a welcome-home dinner?

I'd love to, daddy, but
I got to keep an eye on Charley.

He got some more hate mail.

"Dear Charley, sorry
I didn't k*ll you last night.

"Car trouble.

"But you'll die tonight unless
you have a guardian angel.

Love, jan"?

No, I think
it was supposed to be Jane.

She's got worse handwriting
than you, daddy.

This is Charley's grocery list.

You notice anything?
- He misspelled ho hos.

He wrote the note?

Why?

Maybe he likes
having you around.

Me?

Barbara, Charley's got
a giant crush on you.

My god.

And I just thought he was
acting goony this morning

because he's goony.

I don't mean to pry, dear,

but goony's not a quality
you look for in a man, is it?

Daddy, please,
Charley's my friend,

but he's still Charley.

Good, because
I really didn't want to give you

that "I no longer
have a daughter" speech.

Daddy,

how am I gonna tell Charley
I'm not interested in him?

It's gonna wreck our friendship.

I don't think I can do this.

I have three words
for you, dear...

Mrs. Barbara dietz.

This won't take long.

Charley, I want to talk to you.

What's all this?

A little something
I whipped up for us.

Spaghettio's?

The hot dog lain on top
was my idea.

Charley, this is very...

Sweet.

I knew you'd love it.

Amazing, isn't it?

All these years we've lived
next door to each other

and finally realize
how much we share.

That's probably
why we're such good friends.

Great friends...

Best, even.

So we can be honest
with each other, right?

Why?

Do I have a booger?

No.

Charley...

I know that Jane
didn't write that last note.

You did.

Why would I do that?

Because you have a crush on me.

Really?

I think someone's
stuck on herself.

Charley, come on.

I know when someone likes me.
- Okay.

I was afraid to tell you,
because I wasn't sure

if you felt
the same way about me.

So...

Do you?

Charley.

No.

Charley, you're one
of my best friends.

And I want it to be
that way forever.

But if we got involved,
we would risk losing everything.

Okay, I understand.

Really?
Just like that?

Sure. What would
a great girl like you want

with a poor schlub like me?

I mean, you need a real man,
not a pathetic excuse for one.

I'm dirt.

I'm not giving you sympathy sex.

Damn, you really know me,
don't you?

Charley, if you tried
being friends with these women

instead of doing
other things with them first,

you might find someone
who's really right for you.

Jeez, Barbara,
you make me feel better.

That really helped.
I'm a new guy.

I'm not giving you
cheered-up sex either.

Damn, you're good.

- Charley, I got to go.
- Barbara, wait a second.

Since I sprang
for dinner and everything,

the least you could do...

Charley, I mean it
when I said no.

I just want you
to check my place out.

Okay, did you remember
to lock the bathroom window?

I think so.

- Jane?
- Sleaze bag.

Miami p.D.

What is this?
- Glue.

I was going to put it
in his hair mousse.

God, that's sick.

But I changed my mind.

After hearing you break
his heart, I got my revenge.

Suffer, Charley.
Suffer the way I did.

Look, I don't care
if you changed your mind.

You're coming downtown with me.

Barbara, a word?

Maybe this is
the lord's way to show me

that Jane's miss right.

I don't think the lord condones

breaking and entering, Charley.

Maybe not, but Jane's a lot
better-looking than I remember.

Charley!

Just let me talk to her
for a second.

Jane, I'm real sorry

about what happened
between us before.

I think we got
a little ahead of ourselves.

Why don't we just try to get
to know each other?

Well, I don't know.

That's very nice, Charley.

Great.

So, you like the stooges?

Yeah.
My favorite's Groucho.

Book her, danno.

All right.
Come on, Dreyf.

Time for your walk.

Come on, Dreyf.

Dreyfuss, come.

All right.

Scamp.

Come over here.