04x16 - The Mismatchmaker

[bunniefuu]

Thanks, Phil.

Well, let's see what the toy companies a
-pushin' on us today.

Doctor bones.

Oh, I like it.

A doctor that won't talk back unless I pull his string.

Good morning, stork legs.

Good morning, Laverne.

Good morning, doctor.

Your coffee's ready.

Ah, thanks.

Just the way I like my coffee ready.

Bottle of beer.

Bottle of beer.

Bottle of beer.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Laverne, please.

Now, this is a doctor's office.

You're right.

Bottle of pills.

Bottle of pills.

Bottle of pills.


- Hi, Harry.


- Arthur, how are you? How are things at the lab? Oh, business is booming.

We're swimming in blood.

Oh, sounds lovely.

Laverne, how's my favorite nurse, still Southern? Breaker, breaker, for beaver squeezer, you got the wild Turkey, gobble, gobble, come on.

I guess so.

Harry, I got to talk to you.

I need a favor.

Sure.

Sure.

Come.

Come.

Come.

Oh, my back.

I hate being our age.

Everything starts to go.

By the way, you look terrible.

Ah, thanks.

It's always a pleasure to see you too.

Listen, Harry.

We've known each other for 25 years.

Do you think of me as a bitter man? Absolutely.

Yeah, but, you understand that it's a generalized bitterness.

It's sort of like a quirky personality trait.

Sure.

And if other people understood that, you'd have more friends than just me.

Arthur, what's the favor? Women.

They suck the lifeblood out of you until your head is in your shoes.

Arthur, careful with my frog.

I'm sorry.

So, come on, what's the favor? I got to get to work soon.

Anne and I split up.

Oh, gah, Arthur.

That's terrible.

What happened? Ah, it was a lot of things, but we realized there really wasn't that much holding us together after the kids moved out.

I wouldn't know that feeling.

She was always angry at me.

Something about me never listening to her.

I think that's what she said.

Geez, Arthur, you guys were always my favorite couple.

Man, all the laughs we've had together.

Are you sure this can't be patched up? Nah.

And it's a shame, I mean, we invested all that time fighting, and now, it's all gonna go to waste.

Well, I really feel awful about this, but you, you must be broken up.

Eh.

That bad, huh? All right.

Come on.

What's the favor? It's yours.

Well, the place I'm supposed to move into won't be ready for a few days and, uh, I was wondering if maybe I could stay with you? I can always do a hotel.

No.

No.

Arthur, of course Of course you'll stay with me.

This is a shock.

I mean, Anne.

I really like Anne.

She's she's one
-of
-a
-kind.

Of course she's one
-of
-a
-kind, that's because two of her would upset the balance of world peace.

Nuclear weapons would be armed, missiles would be launched, poison gas would fill the air.

Arthur.

Arthur, it's a $40 frog.

Here, strangle a $10 mouse.

Life goes on and so do we Just how we do it is no mystery Sometimes the answer can be hard to find Hard to find that's something I will never be I'm always here for anything you need Anything you need rain or shine, I'll be the one To share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on okay.

Arthur's room is all ready for tonight.

It's nice and neat.

Thank you, dear.

I hardly believe you can make Arthur's room look neat.

When to get into your room, we have to use the jaws of life.

Oh yeah? Hold on.

Girls, do me a favor? Change the subject.

Fine with me.

Oh, Carol.

Do you know a good caterer? I'm a good caterer, what's this all about? I'm organizing a retirement party for one of the sweetest guys on the force.

So, why don't you ask me? Because I want it to be right.

I know what kind of wuss food you make.

Barbara, I need the work.

I'm a month behind on my rent at the shop.

They're going to repossess my steam table.

I can make cop food.

Please, give me the job.


- Nope.


- I'm your sister.

Why won't you hire me? Because I hate you.

Well, I hate you too, but we're family.

Carol, dear.

I know how much you need the job, but think, think.

If she's doing the hiring, she's going to be your boss.

Oh, I didn't think of that.

Me, boss.

You, lackey.

Sounds good.

You're hired.

Me, boss.

Me, boss.

Yes.

What do you think, daddy? Me, frightened.

Hi, daddy.

Where's Arthur? He's upstairs changing for dinner.

God, I hate this whole business of divorce.

I mean, people just give up so easily nowadays.

Well, maybe he doesn't want to try.

I don't think he knows what he wants.

I love the guy.

He's in a lot of pain.

He just won't show it.

Well, maybe he can get Carol to show it for him.

Perhaps I could draw him out, Barbara.

Show him some empathy.

Some sympathy.

Concepts that someone with the emotional range of daffy duck wouldn't understand.

All right.

Girls, just treat him like the Arthur you've always known.

Here we go.

Hi, Artie.

Hello, Arthur.

You poor, poor, miserable soul.

Back atcha.

I know just how you feel.

I understand from experience the inner turmoil one suffers when going through the throes of a divorce.

You're doing empathy and sympathy, right?
- Well, yes.


- Well, cut it out.

It's depressing.

Ha! Hey, and you, don't make fun of your sister.

Now, I want to talk to your dad alone.

Both of you, out.

Arthur, would you like to live here like, say, forever? No.

Look, Harry, I don't want to go out to dinner tonight.

I'm glad to hear that.

Maybe what you should be doing is thinking of ways to fix things up with Anne.

It's never too late.

I want you to take me to some place where I can meet single women.

Ah! Now that's the way you should be what? Harry, look, my marriage is over, and it's been 25 years since I've dated anybody.

I'm rusty.

So, I need your help.

Please.

For me? Don't make puppy dog eyes, Arthur.

I hate it when you make puppy dog eyes.

Don't do that.

I'm not All right.

I'll take you.

Well, it looks Promising? Yeah.

Guys on one side, girls on the other side, looks like a junior high school dance.

Well, it serves you right.

You wouldn't have to go through this, Arthur, if you and Anne would at least try to get back together.

I'm nervous.

People don't respond to me when I first meet them.

I come off all bitter and crusty.

You are bitter and crusty.

Now, just, all right, relax.

Just try to take the edge off your personality.

We'll get through this.

Where do we start? There.

Let's do it.


- Remember, no edge.


- Right.

Huh? Oh! Hi, I'm Arthur.

Friendly Arthur Mitchell.

And this is Harry Weston.


- Hello.


- Hello.

Nice to meet you.

I'm Fran, this is Louise.


- Oh, please, sit.


- Thank you.

So, what brings you to a singles club? I'm looking to buy linoleum, why else would I be here? Great, great start.

Arthur's here to meet women as lovely and as intelligent as the two of you.

Oh, you're quite charming.

Me? No, I'm not, he's the charming one.

What's that smell? I mean, that's very nice perfume you're wearing.

Thank you.

So, Harry, what do you do for a living? Practically nothing.

Oh, you're being modest, I'm sure.

No.

No.

Arthur, on the other hand, owns one of the most successful diagnostic laboratories in Miami.

Really? That must be fascinating.

Well, if you like being up to your neck in stool samples.

All right, Charley.

Time to go.

Barbara and I have business to discuss.

I'm the boss.

He can stay.

Fine.

Way to go, boss.

Shut your mouth, imbecile.

Can she talk to me like that?
- No.


- na
-na
-na
-na
-na.

Now, I've prepared a list of potential entrees that we've agreed on.

This isn't what we agreed on.

Soy burgers? Turkey dogs? And what in the world is imitation bacon? It's made out of fish.

It tastes the same, it just smells different.

Charley, what do you think of Carol's menu? I've seen people heave better stuff than this.

You want to impress your friends? I got to guy on the ship, he does things with lunch meat Charley, stay out of this.

Carol, do you have a problem doing it my way? No.

But, why does everything have to be so pedestrian and boring and and stupid? Thank you, Charley.

Stupid.

Stupid.

Now, ya gone too far.


- I've had enough.


- Me too.

If you can't do it my way, you're fired.

Fired? My own sister is f*ring me? Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Charley, what's the name of your lunch meat man? Stinky.

You're going to listen to this cretin and hire someone named stinky? It's a cool name.

You tell stinky I want to see him first thing in the morning.

Barbara, please don't do this.

I really need this job.

Well, I might reconsider if you apologize.

All right.

I'll do this anyway you want, I apologize.

What about me? Did you hear how she talked to me? That's right.

Charley too.

Apologize to Charley? Never! Oh, what's that I hear? Why, it's a truck.

Backing up to repossess your steam table.

Okay, Charley.

I'm sorry.

That's not good enough.

Now, apologize for every mean thing you've ever said to him.

Barbara, that is not fair.

How bad do you want this job? All right, Charley.

I'm sorry for everything I ever said to you.

Like you mean it.

From the heart.

Charley, I'm sorry if I ever hurt your feelings in the past.

Satisfied, Charley? This is great.

I got to record this for posterity.

Wait a second while I get my video camera.

Charley, you live that way.

Yeah, but the camera's hidden in your shower.

I am not giving Anne any damn flowers.

Arthur, will you do it for me, please? Come on, just do it.

Okay.

Harry.

Hey.

You.

Here.

I think they're dead.

You must've been staring at them.

Maybe I should try that with you sometime.

Ask us in, Anne.

Come on, remember, you promised.

Right.

Come in, Harry.

Oh, and you too, Artie.

Sit.

Drinks before dinner? Yeah, some red wine? How about you, Artie? The usual? Yeah, a sh*t and a beer.

Oh, I'm sorry I'm fresh out.

You'll have wine too.

I hate wine.

I know.

Be right back.

Harry, why am I here? Because you would rather work things out with your wife of 21 years than just throw it all away.

Really? Arthur, come on, I can't believe it's not possible.

Harry, I don't think you want to believe it.

Two red wines, and for me, a sh*t and a beer.

I'll get my own, dear.

Is the liquor cabinet still in the kitchen, or have you moved it to the bedroom? The kitchen.

But if I had moved it to the bedroom, it would've been the first thing that moved in there in the past five years.

Aw, I used to move in there.

I used to run away.

How do you think it's going, Harry? Smoothly.

Very, very smoothly.


- Good morning, Laverne.


- Morning, doctor.

Morning, doctor.

I hope I don't have to give this one to the kids.

I am havin' a ball.

You wanted to see me, Harry? Arthur, I've been worried about you.

Where were you this morning? I got up real early, and I drove out to a secluded spot where Anne and I used to park back in the '60s, and I just sat in the car and thought.

And? And, I've decided I can't root for the dolphins anymore.

I mean, they break my heart every year.

Don shula has to go.

Arthur, Anne called me this morning.

She wants me to come over tonight to talk.

I think she realizes the stupidity of this breakup.

Now, is it okay with you if I go and talk with her? I don't know.

I'm not sure what's right anymore.

Then let me talk with her.


- Okay.


- All right.

I'll see you back at my place after I'm finished with Anne.

Thanks, Harry.

I appreciate you trying to help.

Well, not really.

I wish bunky would hurry up and finish his speech, they're starving out there.

And that is the story of my 24th year on the force.

This brings me to my 25th year on the force.

It was snowing that December.

Oh, no, I was watching "white Christmas".

Anyway, there I was Food! Food! Food! Food! Look's nice, doesn't it? Yes.

I just hope everything goes right.

Bunky's so sweet.

I want him to have the best.


- Do you like the flowers?
- They're beautiful.


- The presentation?
- Excellent.


- So, everything's perfect?
- Yes, perfect.

Good.

I quit.


- What?
- Boys, pack it up.


- Carol, what are you doing?
- What am I doing? You shouldn't have made me grovel in front of Charley, Barbara.

Revenge is sweet.

Ready to eat.

Boy, that looks good.

I'm
- not now, bunky.

Please, Carol, don't quit.

Well, well.

Perhaps you'd like to grovel a bit to get me back? No way.

Uh, about the food.

I'm getting some pressure from
- Back off, bunky.


- When I Carol, please.

I am in charge.

I'll be a laughing stock.

Not if you grovel.

All right.

All right.

I'll grovel.

Uhuh
-uh
-uh, not yet.

Now, you can grovel.

Please, Carol, don't quit.

You're the best caterer in Florida.

I need more.

Tell everyone what happened the time you saw your first dead body.


- No!
- Barbara.

I won't do it.

All right, 86 the cake.

All right.

All right.

I threw up on the coroner.

I can't hear you.

I threw up on the coroner! Very good.

I'll be right with you.

Well, couldn't I have a small piece of the that didn't feel so great, did it? No.

Now I know how you felt with Charley.

I'm sorry, Carol.

It just that sometimes, you make me so crazy.

Well, believe it or not, sometimes you make me crazy too.

Well, we're sisters.

If we don't make each other crazy, how are we going to know we're related? I guess maybe we both went a little too far.

Well, now that that's settled, let's give bunky the party he deserves.

What happened? Where is everybody? They were starving.

They left.

Oh, bunky, I'm sorry.

This is terrible.

The same thing happened to me in '73.

It was snowing that December.

Or, was I watching miracle on 34th street? I had just arrested a guy for jaywalking Harry, how are you? I'm fine, dear.

Thanks.

Welcome to the house with one less egg to fry.

Anne Anne, I've known you almost as long as I've known Arthur.

Now what happened to you two, dear? What went wrong? I'll tell you what I told my mother.

I caught him cheating on me.

Arthur was cheating on you? No, but it worked for my mother.

Everybody wants a reason.

There is no one reason.

You never really know why.

And it doesn't really matter.

Oh, hell, Harry.

I shouldn't have asked you over.

There's no chance for me and Artie.

Oh, don't say that, Anne.

Come on, there's got to be something we can do.

You know, of all our friends, you have always been the most sensitive and understanding.

I've never had that in my life.

You really care, don't you? Of course, I care.

So, how about it, Harry? How 'bout what? You know.

This couch folds into a bed.

Oh, don't let it do that.

No, no, no, no, no.

Come on.

We've all been friends for so long.

I mean, you wouldn't want to hurt Arthur that bad,
- would you?
- Sure I would.

No, no, no.

We'd we'd both be sorry.

This this This wouldn't be right.

Well, I gave it a sh*t.

You're such a good friend, Harry.

You too, dear.

Listen, are you sure there isn't something you want me to tell Arthur? Well, actually there is.

It's very personal, but I'll trust you to tell him.

And I'll tell him with as much feeling as I can.

Good.

Tell him he left his grecian formula in the shower.

I knew it! He always denied it.

I knew it! Grecian formula Artie.


- Harry.


- Oh.

Thought you were asleep.

Weird dream I had.

I was in the ring with George foreman, getting my butt kicked, and suddenly he turns into Anne.

They have similar builds.

And I knocked her out with an upper cut.

Oh, Arthur, Arthur, Arthur.

Anne said no, right? She feels like I do.

That's it.

That's the whole story, honestly.

So, what's the rest of the story? No, I said, that's the whole story.

Yeah.

But, you also said, honestly.

Whenever somebody says that in a sentence, I know they're lying.

No.

No.

This
- Where is he?
- He's right here.

Arthur, we've got to stop playing this like children.

It's time that you and I talked without Harry in the middle.

I don't mind being in the middle.

Harry, please.

You're annoying.

It's over, Artie.

Isn't it?
- Yeah.


- I love you.


- I just can't stand you.


- Ditto.

It's strange about the love thing, isn't it? It's like gum, you just can't scrape it off.

I'm sorry it's come to this.

I just hate to see it happen.

Yeah, well, you can put away the violin.

No, I feel like I let you guys down.

What are you talking about? You made us see how disgusting it would be if we got back together again.

She's right.

First time in years, but she's right.

No, really.

I mean, you speeded up the process.

You saved us a lot of pain.

Yeah, but I just I wanted it all to work out great.

I wanted to bring you back together, you know.

I wanted to see you guys shut up, Harry.

You know, Anne, I haven't felt this good in years.

Come on, let's go out and have a drink.

Oh! Great! So you are? You're getting back together? No.

We're having a drink.

Well, I mean, I really feel like I failed here.

For god's sakes, get a life.

Dreyfuss, turn that TV off! Do you know what time it is?