03x08 - The Boy Next Door

[bunniefuu]

Life goes on, and so do we Just how we do it is no mystery Sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here, for anything that you need Rain or shine, I'll be the one To share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on doctor, I'm a little concerned.

The mcclellen boy dropped off a urine specimen.

So, what's the problem?
No one asked him to.

Well, room one, Cindy farniss, a new patient, she just moved to town.

Oh.

All right.

Hello there.

I'm doctor Weston.

You look like the scarecrow from the wizard of oz!
Really?
The scarecrow?
I deeply resent the comparison.

I happen to be.

Miami's most distinguished pediatrician.

At least I would be if I only had a brain.

C'mon.

Tell me.

What's the matter?
My head hurts too much to go to school.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Any other parts feel sick?
What part would keep me from having to go to school?
Ah, okay.

I see.

C'mon.

C'mon.

Tell me.

What's going on at school?
The other kids won't play with me.

They used to make fun of me and call me names.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

But you know?
It is always tough making friends at a new school.

So you just relax, be yourself, and before you know it, you'll have plenty of friends.

But what if I don't?
Well, then we'll have to resort to more serious measures.

We'll have to go to the emerald city and see the wizard.

And he'll give me a friend?
Hey, he gave me my medical degree.

I'm kidding!
I'm kidding!
Hey!
Come on.


- Oh!
Good morning, babe!

- Morning, daddy.

Boy, I feel good today.

Some days I can't wait to get out of bed because life is so great!
Yeah!
Daddy, the world is a disease to me.

My chromosomes must look like the comedy and tragedy masks.

What
-what's the matter, sweetheart?
Life.

Cruel, bitter, spiteful life that sinks its teeth into what?
I'm listening.

I was dumped last night.

Oh, Carol, sweetheart.

I'm so sorry!
Stanley is the third man in a row to dump me.

And I mean dump.

There's a stiff fine now for leaving me by the roadside.

Carol, honey, why don't you come with us to the tennis match tonight?
It'll be fun.

And besides, you know how scared you get when you're all alone at night.

Daddy, it's not as bad as all that.


- Boo!

- Aah!
Aah!
All right.

Stop scaring your sister, please!
Okay, daddy.

Swamp thing!
Daddy!
Go Go!
Oh, Carol, baby, come on.

You've had kind of a tough week.

Maybe you oughta come with us tonight.

No, daddy, I'll be fine.

My friend Dana is coming over.

She's having guy trouble, too.

We're going to talk about how all men are loathsome horrible creatures and deserve to die.

Gee, I wish I could stay Honey, you've just hit a streak of losers.

That's all.

I mean, not every guy is shallow and superficial.

The movie star the professor and Mary Ann Here on gilligan's isle Charley, shouldn't you be home watching sesame street?
They're doing the letter "m" for "moron.

" Good news, friends.

Carol.

You're no longer looking at Charley dietz, fifth assistant purser.

You're looking at Charley dietz, fourth assistant purser.

Charley, you got a promotion!
Practically.

Already filled out the paperwork.

It's just about the captain rubber
-stamping it and saying ten
-four.

Ten
-four?
Isn't that police talk?
Don't ship captains say "aye, aye"?
Oh, right.

Anyway, I got to shove it.

I believe that's "shove off", Charley.

Whatever.

There you go.

Thank you, my pal.

See ya.

Oh, Cindy!

- How's school?

- Lousy.

The kids are still being mean.

Oh, dear, I told you.

It's gonna take a little time.

It's just because you're new.

But there are two new kids.

Newer than me!
And they don't pick on them!
Is there something wrong with me?
Now, listen.

Whatever's going on with those kids at school, it's their problem.

It's not yours.

Yeah.

Now, I've seen this before.

Back in my hometown, we had this wonderful boy.

Sweet as could be, good athlete, smart as a whip.

But for some reason, all the other young 'uns made fun of him.

But he just let it slide off his back and today, he owns five grain silos and a Turkey farm.

Now, I'm not saying everyone can achieve that.

But I think you see what I'm driving at.

I do.

Thanks, Laverne.

Thanks, Dr.

Weston.

You're welcome, sweetheart.

Well, Laverne, that was a terrific story.

Well, it happened.

I still can't figure out why everybody picked on poor little Bobby crapper.

Hello?
Oh, hi, Dana!
Hurry on over.

I have the whole evening planned.

I rented steel magnolias and What do you mean you've got a date?
No, I'm not mad.

Believe me.

If I had a date, I'd drop you in a minute, too.

Bye.

Well, dreyfuss, looks like it's just you and me.

Was the house always this big?
Hello?
Hello?
Probably just a bad connection.

I'm sure there's nothing to worry about, dreyfuss.

Ooh!
There's someone in the house!
Oh, my god!
Dreyfuss, att*ck!
att*ck!
Aah!
Charley, you scared me to death.

Did you call just before you came over?
Have I ever called before I came over?
Is, uh, Harry around?
No, he and Barbara went to a tennis match.

Oh, boy.

I really needed to talk to him.

I got kicked in the teeth today.


- What happened?

- I got kicked in the teeth.

Big guy, down at the pier.

Happened right after I found out I did not get that promotion.

Ten years I've been working on that ship watching guy after guy get promoted over me.

Story of my life.

Listen, have Harry give me a call when he gets back.

Charley, would you mind staying a minute?
I'm afraid to be alone.

Okay, might as well be depressed over here as at home.

Thanks.

It's just that sometimes when I'm alone, I get a little nutsy and hold it.

I'm sure it's nothing.

It's probably just my nerves.

I think there is somebody out there.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god!
Hey!
You!
Get out of here!
C'mon!
Scram!
That's right!
Just some neighborhood kids prowling around for kicks.

Carol?
Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You're really upset.

Come on, now.

Don't worry.

It's just a bunch of stupid kids.

They're not coming back.

You're safe now.

It's all taken care of.

Is that a fly up there?
Yes, I think it is.

Just flying around.

They have hundreds of eyes, you know?
Oh, I know.

Just think of all the things they must see.

Look, I Gotta go.

Oh, god, yes.

You must have things to do.

Yeah.

I got to Uh
- Go.


- Right.

There.

No witnesses.

Hi.

Barbara, I have to talk to you.

I have the most horrible confession to make.

I have just taken the longest, hottest shower of my life.

I'm telling.

There's nothing to tell yet.

Hi, Carol, baby.

How was your evening?
Fine.

Fine, daddy.

You know, you look tired.

You should go on up and leave me and Barbara to lock up.

Okay, okay.

The two girls wanna have a little talk.

They don't want the old daddy around to be part of it.

It's okay.

I can respect that.

I want a complete report.

Okay, now you have got to swear that what I'm about to tell you will never leave this room.

Carol, you always make me swear.

And then when you finally tell me the secret, it's that Shakespeare was gay or something.

So, can I just go to bed, please?
Barbara.

I slept with Charley.


- What?

- I know.

I still don't know how it happened myself.

It's just that I was feeling so vulnerable.

But Charley dietz?
Our neighbor Charley dietz?
Yes.

Well, I know he comes over here and mooches from our refrigerator and everything, but This is like way beyond that.

Barbara, I was counting on a couple of it's
-okay
-Carols and maybe a "there, there.

" This is like one of those things where you wish it was a dream so you wake up and it never happened.

But it It isn't a dream.

It did happen.

So you have to live with it every single day.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I'm just gonna go upstairs and take 1,000 more boiling hot showers.


- There, there.


- It's too late for that.

Secrets, secrets.

None of my business.

None of my business.

Well?
I should've gotten a myna bird.

Harry, I gotta talk to you.

It's urgent.

Why?
What's the matter, Charley?
You see, there's this woman I run into a lot and we hate each other.


- Yeah.


- Well, I saw her tonight.

Hmm, well, one thing led to another and I don't have to tell you what happened.

Don't tell me.

We did the oofa dance.

Oh, Harry, I'm so confused.

I mean, it certainly isn't the first time I've ever had sex with a woman I didn't love, but I never felt guilty before.

Charley, look, you know I don't exactly approve of your lifestyle, but, you know, don't be so hard on yourself.

Really?
Yeah, I mean, this woman was a consenting adult.

What happened to all the hot water?
Look, anyway, anyway, maybe you and this lady doing "the oofa" Means more than you think.


- How do you mean?

- Well, you know, sometimes, when two people, you know, seem to hate each other that's kinda hiding the fact that they really, really like each other.

Get out of here.

No, I'm serious!
Sometimes it's really scary to tell someone you care about them, so instead, you fight.

Wow.

You really think that's what's going on?
Charley, if it is love, it's a treasure worth finding.

Daddy, where's the disinfectant?
Oh, god.


- Hello, Charley.


- Carol.

Uh, listen, I'm gonna go to bed.

Good night, Charley.

Charley, I've been sorting through a lot of emotions these past few showers.

And I've arrived at this.

You horrible, hateful, stupid man!
If my mind had been working at optimum capacity, you would've felt the back of my hand instead of All those other things.

Carol, I think I may love you.


- What?

- I know it sounds crazy.

It's kinda like wile e.

Coyote falling for the roadrunner, but I think I may love you.

This is very strange.

I don't know what you're talking about.

And I think you might love me, too.


- What?

- See, sometimes, when people hate each other, deep down, they like each other.

So, it's possible that we fight so much because we really care about each other.

Charley!
You had a human observation.

I feel so much more attracted to you.

Well.

There's a lot more where that came from.

Charley, do you really think it's possible that we could love each other?
Well, if it is love, it's a treasure worth finding.

There it is!
There's that feeling again.

Maybe we should go on a date.

Just to make sure.

Say Tomorrow?
Tomorrow's good.

Okay.

I guess I'd better be going.

Right.

Have a good night's sleep.

Walk back carefully.


- Good night, Carol.


- Good night.

Charles.

That tour of the beer plant was so very interesting, Charley.

Thank you for showing me your world.

There's a lifetime of worlds in here, my darling.

Come, sweetheart.

I wanna show you my favorite painting.

Usually, I don't like paintings, but seeing this is part of your world and all, let's suck 'em down.

Now, this is a gorgeous painting.

You'll notice the composition and the way that the color oh
-oh
-oh!
Pale chick nursing a baby.

Didn't see it.

Didn't see it.


- Charley.


- Honk, honk!
Perhaps this isn't your style.

What kind of painting do you like?
Wavy All right.

Let's go see the impressionists.

They're kind of wavy.

Oh, I like impressionists.

"You, dirty rat.

You k*lled my brother.

" No, Charley, these are French impressionists.

Oh!
Of course.

"Bon jour, you dirty rat.

"You k*lled my brother, you dirty rat.

I'm going to k*ll you.

" Ah.

Oh, Dr.

Weston.

Come on in.

Hi there.

I'm so glad the school nurse was able to reach you.

Yeah, yeah, she did.

I just talked with Cindy and her mother and Cindy is very upset about the way the kids are treating her.

Do you mind if I speak to your class?
No, of course not.

Class, we have a guest who'd like to speak to you.

Okay.

Hi.

Hi, everybody.

Uh I'm I'm Dr.

Weston.

I'm a pediatrician.

He's the one who gives us sh*ts.


- Boo!

- Boo!
Well, that's That's true.

That's true, but those sh*ts'll make you feel better and help your body fight against diseases.

And I give you balloons.


- Yeah!

- Yeah!
All right.

Good.

Look, I wanted to talk to you today because I'm Cindy's pediatrician.

Do you give her sh*ts?
Well, if I need to, yes.


- All: Yay!

- Hey, stop that!
Sto There's a little girl out there who's very hurt.

And that's what I want to talk to you about.

Why in the world would you ever wanna pick on somebody as nice as Cindy?

- Well, she has red hair!

- Why'd you tell him?
Whoa.

Wait Wait Wait Wait Red hair?
That's it?
What more do you want?
But, kids, that's nuts.

Red hair?
That has nothing to do with who she is.

If you're gonna hate her because she has red hair, you You might as well hate this little boy here because he's wearing braces.

Yuck!
Look at that.

Let's get him at recess.

Metal mouth.

All: metal mouth, metal mouth Dr.

Weston: Stop, stop, stop, stop that!
Now, we don't make fun of somebody just because they're different.

That's called prejudice.

And it's wrong.

I mean, just think of all the ways that you're different and how it would hurt if somebody made fun of you.

You think he's right?
My mom says the same thing.

But maybe he's right anyway.

Now, come on, you can be nice to Cindy, can't you?
All: Yeah!
All right.

There you go.

Thank you so Wait.

Hold on there.

Cindy.

Cindy, dear.

Come on.

Come on in, sweetheart.

Yeah, come on.

We're having a party Saturday.


- Wanna come, Cindy?

- Really?
Sure.

It'll be lots of fun.


- All right.


- Okay.

You're gonna be just fine.

Thank you, kids.

Thank you.

Thanks a lot.

Bye
-bye.

Bye
-bye.

Did you see the pink cheeks on that guy?
All: pink cheeks, pink cheeks, pink cheeks Pink cheeks, pink cheeks, pink cheeks Pink cheeks, pink cheeks okay, dreyfuss, we're gonna try this dog whistle one more time.

Obviously it doesn't work.

Ow!
What was that sound?
I could hear it all the way down the block!
So, what do you wanna do now Uh, dear?
I don't know.

Whose turn is it to pick?
Let's see.

Bookstore was yours.

Bumper cars, mine.

Arboretum, yours.

I forget who chose the nude female mud
-wrestling?
I think that was yours.

Right.

Well, the renaissance fair was yours, so I get dinner.

Next up, wiener shack.

We hurry, we can get there before the high school kids take over the place.

I am not going to hurry to get to a place called wiener shack.

Well, then we'll wind up sitting in the bun.

Great.

Punish us both.

I wanna go to I'orangerie.

L'orangerie I'orangerie.

Don't you mock me, you little Wait a minute.

Charley, listen to us.

Here we're supposed to be in love and we're fighting.

Hey.

Yeah, you're right.

Well, maybe if we fight because we're in love, then the more we fight the more we must be in love, right?
How can we know?
Nothing.

Zippo.

I don't get it.

I've got an idea.

You know that "hate is masking love" theory?
Yeah.

Well, what if instead of love our hate is masking Bigger hate?
That sounds right.


- Carol!

- Charley!

- Anything?

- Only disgust.

Me too.


- Friends?

- No.

Good!
All right.

Now go on out of here.

And next time you come in the door it'll be like last night never happened.

Fine with me.

Well, well, Lookie here.

Friday night and Carol's all alone again.

Well, Charley, I see you finally mastered the days of the week.


- Loser.


- Jerk.

I thought that went pretty well.

Yeah, me too.