03x07 - Honey, I Shrunk Laverne

[bunniefuu]

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery one by one we fill the days we find a thousand different ways sometimes the answer can be hard to find that's something i will never be I'm always here for anything that you need rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on we share it all as life goes on oh, come on, Chuck.

It's poker night.

I'm counting on you being here.

Look, you're setting a bad precedent.

If you're with her on this first anniversary, she's gonna expect it every year.


- Darn.


- What was that all about?
I waited three years to get into this precinct poker game, and just my luck on the first night in, someone cancels.

Now I have to find a fifth.

So play with four.

Carol, playing poker with only four people is like having sex by yourself.

So what's your point?
Personally, I don't know why anyone would wanna play such a neanderthal mindless game of chance anyway.

Oh, it's really fun.

All the guys from the precinct gym are coming.


- Men from a gym?

- Right.

I wanna play.

Carol, even if I liked you and stuff, there would be no way.

This is a major game for real poker players.

So I'll learn.

I'll read a book or something.

How hard can it be?
You play it.

Hi, all.

Hey, where's the oj?
You drank it all yesterday.

What, don't you shop?
And what's with the generic cola?
Come on, girls.

Daddy's a doctor.

Let's shell out a few bucks for some brand names.

Charley, how'd you like to play poker Saturday night?
No can do.

Saturday night's my how
-to
-meet
-men seminar.

Why would you wanna meet men?
I don't.

I wanna meet the women who wanna meet men.

I can't wait.

A whole room full of the kinda babes I can't resist Desperate.

Now I really wanna play.

Why?
Because I was going to attend that seminar.

Oh, come on, Barbara.

Let me play.

You know how hard it is to meet nice men.

Men from a gym.

Come on.

What do you say?
I say no.

I didn't think you knew that word.

You should try it sometime on one of your dates.

Morning, ladies.


- Daddy, what's that?

- Well, I have to pick out some new wallpaper for exam room three.

And usually I have such trouble making these kind of decisions, this time, I'm absolutely sure.

Ah?
Teddy bears' picnic.

What do you think?
Oh, it's so cute.

And look at them eating their little sandwiches.

I hope that isn't egg salad.

All that cholesterol would give them little Teddy coronaries.

Morning, Laverne.

Here, come here.

I wanna show you this.

It can wait.

This come for you today.

Oh, I got a new parking space.

Well, j
-25.

Whoa, whoa!
Row j, that's in the shade.

How did this happen?
Dr.

schmidt's malpractice insurance sh*t up after that last pancreas slip
-up.

So he moved to Argentina and freed a j spot.

Get out of town, and they just gave it to me?
No, I had to tap into the hospital computer and do some fancy finger work.

And while i's in there, I did some fiddlin' with the cafeteria menu, and we will be having chicken fried steak all week long.

Mmm
-mm.

Laverne, this coffee tastes different.

It's decaf.

You've been overdoing it on the caffeine lately.

You don't want your hands a
-shaking when you're treating young'uns, otherwise, you'll wind up down in Argentina with Dr.

schmidt a
-wearin' a pair of them gaucho pants.

Well, I I liked my old coffee.

Anyway, here, let me show you this.


- Oh, bye, guys.


- Who were they?
They just put up the new wallpaper.

I picked up the pattern myself Goslings on parade.

Goslings on parade?
Oh, no, not goslings.

I hate goslings on parade.

Well, you'll grow to like it.

That's damn cute.

Laverne, I like the Teddy bears' picnic.

Oh, you would.

It's too drab, and the bears are too scrawny, and what in Mary's heaven is that pig with the pearls doing there?
Maybe she's going somewhere fancy afterwards.

What am I talking about?
This is wallpaper.

Oh, come on, Leon.

You're my last hope.

Yeah, I understand.

Damn.

A royal flush beats a straight flush, which beats four of a kind, which beats a full house, which beats a flush, which beats a straight.

Carol, forget it.

You're not playing in my poker game.

Barbara, I know my stuff.

A straight beats three of a kind, which beats two pair, which beats one pair, which beats the high card.

Ante up, see you, raise you, fold.


- Okay.

Okay, you can play.


- Thank you, Barbara.

But I have some rules.

First of all, no whining.

Even if you lose.


- Okay.


- And none of that girly stuff like, "oh, so many pretty cards", which one will match my outfit?
" Got it.

And under no circumstances are you to tell anyone your dreams.

Fine.

This is gonna be so much fun.

Ah!
Goody, goody, goody.

That's girly.

Hot damn.

Let's play cards.

Daddy, what's wrong?
My Teddy bears' picnic got trampled on by a bunch of parading goslings.

Oh, daddy.

I'm so sorry.

What the hell is he talking about?
I didn't even get my wallpaper.

You would think in my own office I could get my own wallpaper, but I didn't.

All I got was some n*zi's parking space.

Oh, daddy.

No wonder you're upset.

What the hell is he talking about?
Without even asking me, Laverne just goes ahead and wallpapers a room.

"Goslings on parade.

" Oh, big deal, daddy.

It's just wallpaper.

But it's not just wallpaper.

It's everything.

It's I mean, it's like it's nurse Todd's office and she lets me drop by and practice a little medicine there.

Well, everything's gonna change.

Tomorrow I'm gonna sit her down and set her straight.

Straight.

A straight beats three of a kind, which beats two pair which beats one pair which beats the high card.

Ante up.


- Good morning, Laverne.


- You're late.

Laverne, just never mind that.

Please I wanna talk with you about a very important problem we have.

What is it?
My Teddy bears' picnic.

The wallpaper is a done deal.

No, it is not.

Laverne, listen to me.

When you went ahead and picked another pattern without even discussing it with me, you stepped on some very important toes.

My toes, your boss's toes.

Head honcho toes.

Have you been hanging around X
-ray without that lab bib again?
Laverne, I'm serious.

We have a real problem here.

From now on, we have a new policy.

Any and all decisions affecting this office go through me first.

What coffee, wallpaper, when I eat, where I eat.

But I have had my own way of running this office for the last seven years.

I know.

That, Laverne, is the problem.

So what you're saying is all this time you've been unhappy with my work?
What I'm saying is that it cannot Will not continue this way.

Well, I hear you, doctor.

And I think you're right.

Oh.

You do?
I do.

And starting tomorrow, things are gonna be different around here.

Ooh, so thank you very much, Laverne.


- 'Cause I quit.


- Wait, Laverne, you didn't understand what I just said.

I understood you exactly, doctor.

But I can't change.

This is who I am.

That's the only way i know how to be.

Now, if you'll excuse me, i want to start a
-packin' my things.


- Laverne, you are not quitting.


- Yes, I am.

Laverne, have you already forgotten we have a new way of doing things around here?
You can't quit without running it past me first.

Good
-bye, doctor.

Oh, hi, dreyf.

You can't sleep either, huh?
It couldn't have anything to do with that came off of, could it?
Oh, dreyf, dreyf.

Oh, I feel so bad about Laverne.

I never meant for her to quit.

I just wish she weren't so inflexible.

Ah, dreyf, I mean, i wanna call her but What am I gonna say?
"It's okay.

" We'll do things your way from now on?
" I can't do that.

I mean, the fact is I'm her boss.

I'm the one who signs her checks.

All right, she signs 'em, but it's my name.

I don't know, I don't know.

Maybe it's all for the best.

Time for Laverne and i to kind of just move on.

Come on, dreyf.

Let's go watch some TV together.

Come on, dreyf.

Come.

Come, come, dreyfuss, come.

You know, you and Laverne have a lot in common.

There you go, my sweetheart.

Now you're gonna get a balloon from my nice new nurse.


- Coffee's ready, doctor.


- Oh, yeah, okay.

Bye
-bye, gorgeous.

Ah, this is great.

None of that decaf.

Boy, I wish I could I wish I could have this every morning.

You can have whatever you want.

Really?
Well, it is your office.

You're the doctor.

That's right.

I am, aren't I?
Nurse Bradford, let me ask you a question, please.

What do you think about the fact that I came into the office five minutes late this morning?
That's your prerogative, Dr.

Weston.

That's right.

It is.

And, uh why is that again?
Because it's your office, and you're the doctor.

That's right.

Let's kind of make that our little slogan around here.

Whatever you say, doctor.

Ooh, I like that one also.

We'll have two slogans.

I can do that.

It's my office.

I wanted to remind you, Dr.

Weston, that you have a 12:30 lunch with Dr.

Davenport.

Oh, okay.

Very good.

And that's at where?
Wherever you want, doctor.

That's right.

It's my office and I'm the doctor.

Very well, lunch, uh In a restaurant.

Probably should go to a restaurant.

That's it, uh, we wanna go to a restaurant.


- Which one?

- Whichever you prefer.

Well, my preference isn't important.

It's what you want.

It's your office.

You're the doctor.

Oh, that again?
Dr.

Weston's office.

A Mrs.

lundquist on line two.

Oh, that's the hospital administrator.

She's just gonna wanna talk my ear off about the annual fundraiser.

So I should take a message.

Well, I I mean, i do need to talk with her.

So I should put her through.

I didn't say that.

Let me think.

Let me think.

She hung up, doctor.

Well, that worked out.

About lunch?
Oh, gosh, I'm getting a real pounding headache here.

Oh, let me get you something for that.


- Yeah, please.


- Aspirin or Tylenol?

- Aspirin.


- Tablets, capsules or caplets?
Oh!
Hi, Laverne.

Nick told me I'd find you out here.

Well, I had some spare time on my hands so I changed the battery, plugs, points, adjusted the timing and added a turbo option.

I just learned how to open my glove compartment.

Laverne, uh we need to talk.

Well, fine.

Could you hand me that ratchet?

- Sure, yeah.


- Thank you.

There.

Uh, could you do that one on your side?
Oh, yeah, sure.

Uh, Laverne You know, we've been together seven years.

Seven years, that's a real long time, and we've been through so much together.

Is this the exact same bolt you have on your side?
Identical.

Keep a
-ratchetin'.

Anyway, Laverne, things at the office just aren't the same without you.

I mean, this isn't easy to say.

But How are you coming with that bolt?
Real good.

Anyway, uh, Laverne Oh, let me say my piece first.

I had a tough night last night.

And I'm feeling like I might wanna come back to the office.

Oh, Laverne, that's great.

I mean, I want I want you to come back.

Do you wanna come back?
Well, good.

Then you've finally come to your senses and realized that the way I run that office is the right way.

Well, no.

Actually, i was hoping that you'd You'd be willing to change, you know.

We're right back where we started.

How are you coming?
Laverne, this has to be the longest bolt in the world.

Why do I have the feeling that on the other side of the globe there's a Chinese mechanic waiting patiently with a nut?
Well Well Well, I'm I'm gonna miss you a lot.

I'm gonna miss you too.

Laverne, we've had a great relationship for seven years.

You don't just throw that away.

Well, well, wait a minute now.

When Nick and I had some problems back in hickory, well, we sought out professional help.

Oh, you saw a therapist.

No, a notary public.

Laverne, you may be on to something here.

You know a good notary public in Miami?
Not a notary public, a therapist.

Do they have the same training?
Much better.

I'll make all the arrangements and I'll call you and tell you when and where.

Be sure and bring two forms of I.

D.

Would you hurry up?
You're holding up the game.

Shut up.

I'm making an entrance.

Where do you think you're going?

- I'm not playing.


- Why not?
Because they're unappealing.

They're as good as the guy you went out with with the bad toupee.

That wasn't a bad toupee.

Carol, it had a buckle in the back.

Never mind that.

You told me they went to the gym.


- They do.


- What, is there an all
-you
-can
-eat pudding bar there?
No.

They didn't pass the department's physical requirement so they're in remedial aerobics.


- I can't stay here.


- Carol, I don't believe you!
You drove me crazy for three days trying to get into this game.

Now you wanna back out?
That's not fair.

Okay, Barbara, you're right.

But I hate you so much.

Art, John, ed, this is my sister, Carol.


- How do you do?

- Are you in or out, lady?

- She's in.


- I bet a quarter.


- Quarter.


- Me, too.


- Hey, ed.


- I'll play these.


- Take one.


- I'll take two.

I'll get it.

You guys keep playing.

You know that bum i arrested yesterday?

- No.


- Uh, the one with one ear.


- Oh, yeah.


- Two
-two, please.

He gave me lice.

On second thought, I'll just stick with these.

Hey, they found a suspect in the Henderson case so I'm sorry, guys, i have to get down to the station right away.

Oh, the game's over.

What a shame.

I'm sorry.

Well, it was very nice playing with you, boys.

Not so fast.

You guys can keep playing because I found a fifth.

Hi, everybody.

Great.

Charley, thanks.

I'm ready to play.

Can I borrow $10?
I thought you were at the how
-to
-meet
-men seminar.

I was.

Apparently, every available guy in town had my idea.

You think one woman would've shown up, she would've had the pick of the litter, but no.

Just a bunch a doctors and lawyers And a whole busload of French intellectuals.

Well, I hope that psychiatrist don't go into my early developmental years like that notary public did.

Shoo, was that painful!
Hi, Harry.

Laverne.

I'm Dr.

Phelps.


- Hi, there.


- Hi.

Please, sit down.

Now, I understand that you're having some communication problems.

And communication problems very often start in the bedroom.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

We seem to have stumbled upon something here?
No, no, no.

Doc doctor, i don't think you understand.

Laverne and I We're not married.

No, we don't sleep together.

I'm a doctor.

Laverne's my nurse.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

I thought you were the pattersons.

No need to give you that Size
-is
-not
-important speech.

Ha.

Uh, now, why don't you tell me why you are here today?
Uh, well, I guess it all started the other morning when, uh, Laverne and i were having this How shall I put it?

- Wallpaper spat.


- Yeah, right.

You see, Laverne picked a pattern for the office without asking me, but, I mean, it's not just wallpaper.

It's I mean, Laverne won't let me make one single decision, you see.

She's got this thing about
- Control.


- Right.

See, sometimes I think she wants to control Everything you say and do?
I mean, I guess it's been like this from the very, very beginning but Lately it's really started to
- Drive you crazy?

- No.


- Bug you?

- Hers.

You know, usually it takes me a few sessions to really get a feel for a couple but I don't think I have ever seen a conflict acted out so clearly before.

Well, thank you.

I mean, I I couldn't have done it without him.


- Yeah, well, I'd say.


- Laverne, let's talk about this need you have for control.

What do you think that's about?
Well, I I guess it goes back to my growin' up on the farm.

Money was tight.

It was up to me to bring in the cotton crop unless they foreclose on us.

Luckily, we had the help of a kindly but blind border Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Uh, that's a movie.

That's that's places in the heart.

Did did I say farm?
I meant coal mine.

See, doo had just got back from the army No, no, no, no.

That's coal miner's daughter.

All right, all right, I'm pushy.

I've always been pushy.

I don't know why I'm pushy.

I'm just pushy.

But with Dr.

Weston now, it's a good kind of pushy.

I mean, he's a great doctor.

He has a real gift that way.

I mean, if you ever saw him with them young'uns, you wouldn't hardly believe it.

Well, it don't seem right him making those puny decisions when I could be doing that for 'im.

I never meant to step on all those toes of yourn.

'Specially them big honcho ones.

I guess I could try to be a little less pushy.

I'm sorry.

That's all I wanted to hear.

Thank you, doctor.

We are cured.

Uh, no, no, no.

Not so fast, Dr.

Weston.

It's time to talk about your role in all of this.

My?
Who?
Me?
Yes, you.

You have put Laverne in an impossible situation.

Harry, you have got to make it clear to Laverne which decisions you want her to be involved in and which ones you don't.

I can do that.

If I remind you, you can.