Page 1 of 1

M*A*S*H: The Comedy That Changed Television (2023)

Posted: 01/06/24 21:32
by bunniefuu
- Hey, I think

we're in the army.

- The thing that

I loved about "MASH"

Is that it could be very funny

And very serious

at the same time.

- Boy, you really are a sicko.

Mental.

- Just 'cause I spend most

of my waking hours fixing up

Small wounds so they can go

back and get bigger and better

Wounds, you think I'm mental?

- Another thing

I loved was we could work

In every conceivable style.

- Ole!

- Burlesque, drama, melodrama,

satire, and sometimes

All at once, sometimes

all in the same episode.

- Henry, you're not gonna

endorse this idiot's

Application, are you?

- That's Major to you, Captain.

- Henry, you're not gonna

endorse this Major idiot's

Application, are you?

- They said there weren't going

to be any more casualties!

- Frank, if I were you,

I'd sue North Korea

For every penny they've got.

- You were dealing with

the insanity of w*r.

- This neighborhood

is going to hell!

- And you had to have

a bunch of doctors

Who created their own insanity,

So as not to go crazy

themselves.

- Where did you get

those costumes?

- What costumes?

- The costumes you're wearing!

- These aren't costumes.

We stopped shaving last month.

- Henry, get me a driver!

- Certainly.

- Count off!

- One!

- Two!

- That's about it.

- Get me the hell out of here!

- They cared about one thing.

They cared about saving lives.

- Pierce,

you're doing good work.

- Oh, yeah, another

three or four wars,

I'll be sensational.

- This'll be a real test

of my leadership-manship.

So...

No booze.

- You always entertain first,

and deliver

The message second,

especially if you're

Doing a show about a real w*r.

- "w*r and Peace"

by Leo Tolstoy.

w*r "and" peace?

- Yeah, well,

Tolstoy was very flexible.

He went either way,

- I have to give credit

to the writers.

I mean, we had great

writers on "MASH."

- I'm a communist.

An atheistic, Marxist,

card-carrying, uh...

- Bolshevik.

- No, honest.

- The writing was good.

The acting was good.

The producing was good.

The directing was good.

Where can you go wrong?

- There's your Eisenhower, spending

A lot of time playing golf.

- More fun than

playing president.

- What's his handicap?

- A lot of people say Nixon.

- We had become

a social phenomenon.

- I'm damn proud of these.

Nobody gave them to me.

I earned them.

And I'm just as much a Major

as any other Major.

- As it was happening, we knew.

We knew how lucky we were,

how... how blessed.

- Fine, I make a motion

that the w*r be ended.

- I second the motion.

- You can't end the w*r

just like that!

- You've all heard the motion.

Those in favor,

raise your right hand.

- Aye!

- Those opposed?

- Nay!

- The ayes have it.

Uh, let it be recorded

that the w*r was

Ended on this date at 9:32 pm.

- Here they come!

- I don't hear nothing.

- Wait for it!

- This is the story

of two indispensable

Military surgeons.

They had the army over a barrel.

But did they take

advantage of it?

Yes.

"MASH," a motion picture

That raises some important

moral questions,

And then it drops them.

- I thought the movie was funny.

I thought it was terrific.

The outrageousness of it.

This isn't a hospital!

It's an insane asylum!

- The film is its own thing.

We copied the visual style,

Using the same locations,

the same sets,

But we developed

our own personality.

- Who are you?

- Uh, Captain Benjamin

Franklin Pierce.

Who are you, sarge?

- What do you think

this star means?

- You're tinker bell?

- The one man who was most

responsible for the success

Of "MASH" is Gene Reynolds.

Gene Reynolds brought all of

the creative people together.

- I loved seeing gene at work.

First of all,

he's a great director,

And he's a great producer.

- Fox asked me to sh**t

a pilot for "MASH,"

And that was a very

exciting invitation.

A little hospital where

the goal is to save lives,

In the middle of a w*r where

the goal is to destroy life.

The format is just powerful,

overwhelming, touching, funny.

Gave us a wonderful opportunity.

- At this particular

mobile army hospital,

We're not concerned with

the ultimate reconstruction

Of the patient.

We only care about getting

the kid out of here

Alive enough for someone else

to put on the fine touches.

We try to play par surgery

on this course.

Par is a live patient.

- We had an extra ingredient

that most shows don't have.

We were telling stories about

people who really lived.

- This was Korea

early in July 1950.

Among the first to arrive

were the medics,

Field surgeons, aid men,

litter bearers,

Ambulance drivers.

Nurses arrived in a mobile

surgical hospital unit

On the way to the front.

- I think we really wanted

to respect them

And be true to what

they had lived through.

How long have we been at this?

- I started surgery in 1932.

- I mean this session.

- So do I.

- "MASH" was based

on a book by a doctor

Who had served in Korea.

I've seldom had

characters handed to me

As unique and outstanding

As the running characters

in "MASH."

And so my first challenge was,

Who's gonna write this pilot?

- You know, you can't miss

if you've got good material.

- Larry Gelbart was

an absolute genius,

His talent and the depths of it.

He could be wildly funny,

but at the same time,

He had substance.

- I used to introduce him

as my friend the genius,

And he said, oh, don't say that.

But he was just

the most extraordinary

Creative force actors

could hope to have around.

- Gene Reynolds

asked me if I'd seen

A feature film called "MASH."

As it happened, I had just

seen it the night before.

And he said, well, 20th century

fox has talked with CBS,

And they'd be interested

in financing

The writing of a pilot script.

Would I be interested?

And I said,

if we could retain the spirit

Of the film itself,

I'd be very interested.

- We came up

with an original story.

We hammered that out

in about a week.

And I came back to la to build

the sets and to cast the show,

But I was not receiving

the script.

Finally, I called him

and I said, look,

We're building the sets.

We're ready.

We're getting warm here.

- And gene said,

how's it coming?

And I said, I just mailed it,

and hung up.

And then having said

I mailed it,

I realized I had to write it.

We had talked so much about it,

And it had been

marinating so long.

I know it sounds boastful

to say I wrote it

In two days, but I did.

- Radar!

Radar, don't do that.

- Yes, sir.

You wanted to see me, sir?

- Yes.

But let me say I want

to see you before I see you.

- Yes, sir.

- Hamilton?

- Hot lips.

- Hot lips?

- Your conduct in there was not

only unbecoming in an officer.

It was equally reprehensible

as a medical man!

- Frank, I happen to be

an officer only because I

Foolishly opened an invitation

from President Truman

To come to this costume party.

And as for my ability

as a doctor,

If you seriously question that,

I'm afraid

I'll just have to

challenge you to a duel.

- It was a perfect pilot.

Perfect.

There was nothing... the best

pilot I've ever seen,

In the sense you didn't

have to change anything.

It was all there.

We put it on the air.

Our scheduling wasn't

as good as the show,

Because the first year,

we put it on Sunday at 8:00

Opposite really tough

competition.

- We weren't too thrilled

to be there.

And of course, it was

confirmed by the numbers

Being kind of ordinary.

- Uh, sir, we...

We do have just a little bit

of a problem here.

- In the course

of that first season,

When you're down in 40th

or 50th place, of course,

Your mind runs to the

possibility of cancelation.

- Pierce, you're in

very deep trouble.

- What do all these people want

More than anything else?

- To go home.

- What do they really want?

- Sex.

- Ah.

- "MASH" didn't come on

with a roar.

We had people that liked

the show very much,

But the numbers didn't respond.

- I think Freddie Silverman,

Who was then the head

of the network,

Deserves a lot of credit.

It took a good network

executive, and a lot of them

Don't have that,

to hang in there.

Not easy.

- In spite of the ratings,

it started winning awards,

And everybody was so high on it

that we picked the show up

And moved it to 8:30 Saturday,

following "all in the family"

The second year.

And immediately,

it was the number-two show.

- We're a hit.

- We were in heaven,

because we were

Doing really, really well.

And then the show

just kept building

On itself for 11 years.

- It was a very

entertaining show,

Which also happened

to be about something.

But I firmly believe that people

Tuned in because they wanted to be

Entertained by these people.

- It's galling to hear

officers ridicule command.

- I'm not an officer.

Two guys from

the draft board caught me

With a big butterfly net.

- There you go.

There's your lounge

lizard at w*r.

- Oh, that hurts.

- I was in the Utah state prison

When they sent me the script.

And it was the best script

I'd read while in prison.

I was making a movie in this

prison, and I got this script,

And I was really knocked out

by certainly

The best pilot I'd ever read.

- Gee, I was standing around

minding my own business,

And all of a sudden,

poof, a star is born.

- We tested six or seven actors

For that role, and Alan...

He was a wonderful actor

with great dimension.

He could be funny,

and he could be sensitive.

He just really had

every element of it

That we could possibly hope for.

- Does every new nurse

fall in love with you here?

- No.

Only the ones with taste.

- Do you think I have any?

- I don't know.

Let me taste you.

- I was worried that it

might be hijinks at the front

That the show would slip into.

So they reassured me that

I didn't have to worry about it

Turning into McHale's navy or

shows that audiences enjoyed

And that were fun,

but that didn't deal

With the reality

of the situation

In which the characters

found themselves.

- Our willingness,

our experience, our technique

Are not enough.

g*ns and bombs

and anti-personnel mines

Have more power to take life

than we have to preserve it.

Not a very happy ending

for a movie.

But then no w*r is a movie.

- Hawkeye was a super

intelligent, extraordinarily

Gifted surgeon,

an angry man who did not

Want to be where he was, made

no bones about not wanting

To be where he was,

hated the w*r,

Hated authority, held most

people above him in contempt.

- When I got into this w*r, I

had a very clear understanding

With the pentagon. No g*ns.

- I'll carry your books,

I'll carry your torch,

I'll carry a tune,

I'll carry on, carry over,

Carry forward, Cary Grant,

cash and carry,

Carry me back to old Virginia.

I'll even Harry Carey,

if you show me how,

But I will not carry a g*n!

- I think of Hawkeye

as a flawed person,

Much more flawed than people

seem to give him credit for.

They think of him as a likable

doctor, a humanitarian.

But he was a womanizer.

He drank too much.

He was way too much

of a smart aleck

To want to sit next to him

for too long at dinner.

- I just don't know why

they're sh**ting at us.

All we want to do is bring

them democracy and white bread,

Transplant the American dream...

Freedom, achievement,

hyper acidity, affluence,

Flatulence, technology,

tension, the inalienable

Right to an early

coronary, sitting

At your desk while plotting

to s*ab your boss in the back.

That's entertainment.

- I've never worked

with an actor

Before who didn't have to be

told how to read a line.

I didn't have to underline

a word

Or italicize it or give

him a stage direction.

It was remarkable.

- Alan not only brought

a great sense of humor

To the character and an

intelligence to the character,

He brought the Joie de Vivre,

the life of the show.

- Why don't I trust you guys?

- Because we're not trustworthy.

- Trapper would

walk in anywhere,

And you knew he was

looking for trouble.

- They're both impossible!

- You stay out of this,

hot lips,

Or I'll stop selling tickets

to your shower day.

- There was that air about him.

Okay, what can I do here

to upset the apple cart?

- I'm taking 10 minutes.

- I'm on 10 minutes.

- Between us, we got 20 minutes.

Let's go.

- Dwayne and I got

very close very fast.

- I've never had

a martini that way.

May I?

- Oh, please.

Goes great with a soap chaser.

- We both realized

that this relationship

Had to be a warm, close,

real relationship.

- What could they do?

Send us to the front?

- We're at the front.

Maybe they'll put us

in front of the front.

- They enjoyed

one another's company,

Both on screen and in real life.

That was a chemistry

that came through.

- I think the audience

perceived that underneath

All of this, that these

are two people who

Genuinely liked each other.

If we didn't,

it wouldn't have worked.

- Forget it.

He was too impressed

to have you arrested.

- We did it again.

Screwed up in reverse.

- I keep telling you,

we got to give up

This preoccupation with

keeping people alive,

Or we'll never get out of here.

- It's no use. We're doomed.

- Maybe we should start

using rusty instruments.

- Stop washing our hands.

- Raise our prices.

- We would go to the dailies

and look at a scene

That we had already shot.

It was in the can, gone.

Nothing you can do about it.

And we would go back

and do that scene again.

If I had done this

instead of that,

Or if you'd done this

instead of that,

It might have gone this way

instead of that way.

That was a constant massaging

of trying to make it better.

We were always trying to

make it as good as we could.

- And this is the or,

which, of course,

We use as an operating room.

- This w*r is

getting very popular.

Every half hour, another tour.

- Radar, on your way out,

drop these by the gift shop,

Will you?

- Ha.

These guys love to kid you.

- All right, Corporal,

I'll take over from here.

- Uh, if you like, I can

show her the ropes myself.

- But who's going to show you?

- He doesn't mean it.

- Get out.

- But she does.

- You had the sophisticated

doctors in this horrible

w*r experience.

A void was there.

- What are you doing here?

- I was drafted, sir.

- Radar... we use Gary Burghoff,

Who had been wonderful

in the film.

And Gary was a very talented

young actor that I knew of,

And of course,

he had established himself

Already in the part.

- Why, uh, "Radar"?

- Uh, sometimes

I can tell what's going

To happen before it happens.

- Is that so?

- Yes, sir.

The officers' latrine

is to the right, sir.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- They needed a character

that was

From a reflectionary

perspective,

Like a little kid.

- You, uh, always sleep

with a teddy bear?

- Well, not when

I'm on duty, sir.

- You needed a character

where the experience of w*r

Registered on their face

for the first time.

- They've already knocked out

one of our generators!

They, uh, smashed

our water t*nk,

And we got three people wounded!

Well, listen,

if you don't believe me,

Listen for yourself!

Did you... did...

did you... hello?

Hello?

- Gary did it brilliantly.

He was the... always

the 19-year-old virgin.

- What do you want to be?

- Oh.

A hot lover.

Or even a cold one.

I don't care.

- Radar was this

captivating naif

Who loved being

with the big guys.

- Drink, Radar.

- Oh, no, no.

- What's your problem?

And keep in mind, we can't

work miracles with height.

- And not sure what to do,

except he knew

How to do his job

beyond the ability

Of any human being.

But at the same time,

he was innocent.

He didn't know about drinking.

He didn't know about women.

He didn't understand w*r.

- We're under fire, sir!

- Well, hell's bells,

we're a hospital.

That's against

the Geneva convention!

- I'm not for it either, sir.

- His boyishness

was such a delight.

How could you not like

Radar O'Reilly?

- Wow, a citation!

Wonder what my mom's gonna say.

- She'll probably say her boy

has changed over here,

And she'll be right.

- Yeah, I guess so.

- Are you still gonna talk

to us, now that you're

A hero and everything?

- Oh, sure, I still talk

to ordinary people.

- Radar, I'm gonna do

something now

I've hardly ever done before.

- You're not gonna kiss me,

are you?

- Stay tuned for more "MASH."

- Colonel Blake,

you are not listening to me!

- Uh, you'll have

to speak up, Frank.

I'm not listening to you.

- I did not hear that.

And if it comes to that,

I will deny any complicity

With or knowledge of

that sort of cheap,

Low, sneaky,

underhanded maneuver.

Think you could do it?

- Colonel Blake personified

this small-town doctor from

Bloomington, Illinois, who

should never have been over

There and was totally incapable

Of being a commanding officer.

- Well, I'm afraid

this is what you call

Your command decision.

It's lonely at the top time.

Strictly something

for your leader.

- Well, Henry?

- Oh, golly, whatever you

people decide is fine with me.

- His discomfort and his

sense of his own inadequacy

Was very rich,

in terms of writing

For him, because he just

had that marvelous

Bumpkin quality.

- Uh, this month's topic is, uh,

Marital sex and the family.

- Louder, Henry.

- Uh, and the family.

- The first part.

- Marital se...

- sex.

- Let's hear it

for this month's topic!

- Uh...

- McLean Stevenson.

Oh, what a delight.

- Yes, sir.

- McLean was hilarious.

- At ease, men.

- Mac had a tremendous

sense of comedic timing.

- Just give me the needle, huh?

- Just give me the...

- Guard!

Mayday! Mayday!

- 99, 98, 97...

- His genius was

in his reactions.

- He didn't have to make

the thing.

He just had to react to it.

That was his brilliance.

- Just... I mean, not that

there's a lot

Of pressure

or anything like that.

I mean, it's just that

every now and then,

Say, like, your least little

pressure will build up

To the point where there's

an incredible amount

Of pressure around here.

Radar!

Would you bring in

some brandy, please?

- Thought you might like

some brandy.

- It was Radar's attitude

towards Colonel Blake.

It was just basically

doing the job for him

That he knew Colonel Blake

needed to have done,

Whether he knew it or not.

- Blank papers?

- Yes, sir.

- Is that a good idea?

- It's to cut down

on your workload.

You sign them now, later,

you don't have to bother.

- But should I have really

signed blank papers?

- I can't answer that, sir.

You're the one that signed them.

I didn't.

- Colonel Blake tried to be

as officious

And military as

he possibly could.

Radar could see through

all of that,

Saw through him completely.

- Sir, I've alerted

the General's pilot, sir.

He's ready to take off

at any time.

- Now, I want you to alert

the General's pilot

To be ready to take off

at any time.

- He anticipated his every

move, his every gesture.

- Oh, I was hoping to give

you a box of your favorite...

- Cigars.

- Cigars.

- That was wonderful chemistry

between the two of them.

- Colonel Blake?

- Uh, yes, sir.

- Ah! Sorry, sir. Excuse me.

- The timing was very

important, and we learned...

and we learned to augment

Each other's timing too.

- There's something inherently

funny about two people

Talking almost about the same

thing at the same time.

- Very, very good.

- Oh, I took all golf clubs

and then I hid them.

- I want every golf club

outta this place.

- And then, I sewed up the hole

on the nurse's tent, and I...

- It gave you great insight

into his character,

That he could anticipate

what I was gonna say.

It also gave great insight

into my character,

In that I wasn't listening

to what anybody said.

- Now, all we have to do

is tighten her up

And find our place

for the spits,

And we've got our own barbecue.

- You know, it was...

We just... we loved it.

- Come on, Radar.

- I'll hold down the fort.

- Down the fort.

- Yeah.

Men detest me, don't they?

- Oh, no, sir.

- No, you can tell the truth.

They hate me, don't they?

- Just your guts, sir.

- Frank burns...

tough part to play.

Because he was a villain,

but he was a funny villain.

- That's the last tray

you're going to upset, soldier.

There's a w*r on!

And we've no time for v*olence.

- Well, he's an amalgam

of basically

Every irritating putz

I've ever known.

- We're all in this together

with a common goal...

To serve our country

and repel the godless horde

From the north that would

engulf our way of life.

- Frank, he's okay,

but you're making me sick.

"godless horde"?

- Oh, nerts to you.

- I designed really kind

of the ultimate hypocrite,

And kind of a way,

a guileless hypocrite,

Because he doesn't know

that he is one.

He's just trying like hell

all the time,

And he's, like,

constantly wrong.

But he doesn't know that.

- They're not gonna like this.

- I didn't come here

to be liked.

- You certainly came

to the right place.

- Larry Linville had such

a tough job on the show,

Because that character was

such an extreme character.

- I'll teach those dirty little

enlisted rats to love me.

- It's amazing how he was

able to fill it with humanity.

Because if there was

a wrong position to take,

That character took it.

- Army standard triage

procedure is as follows!

American wounded, first...

allies, second...

Enemy, last... repeat, last.

- Frank, that man is bleeding

more than anybody in here,

With the possible exception

of your nose

If you don't get out of my way.

- And he was tough on everybody,

Totally blind to how

he offended people,

How rough he was on Margaret.

- Take your face and...

Your married face and get out!

- Avec Plaisir,

miss snake in the grass!

- Oh!

You should talk,

you two-timing fourflusher!

Oh, Frank.

- They saw this gem

of an actor who can do this,

So they kept feeding him

those things.

- No, no, no, no!

It's not fair! It's not fair!

It's not fair! It's mine!

It's mine! It's mine!

It's mine! It's mine!

- I know, darling.

There, there.

- Oh!

I already wrote mommy.

- Oh, your mother

will understand.

- I mean my wife.

- Buzz off!

- And for Loretta to have

to play opposite this to...

To think that she's in love

with this character, that's...

Now, that's acting.

That's acting.

- What date?

I have no date with Major Burns.

We're just acquaintances.

Oh, we run into each other

once in a while.

- Well, he can't run

into you tonight.

- Oh, Loretta was

absolutely fantastic.

She brought so many different

colors to that character.

- She could be very serious,

and then

She could be funny

being serious.

- Colonel,

come back in here, please!

- What is it?

- It's Donald!

He's hurt himself!

A hernia, doing the rope

climb on the obstacle course!

Donald, you're always

training so hard!

Colonel, request permission

to go to him, please!

- We're very busy, Major.

- But he needs

a hernia operation!

- We need you here.

- He won't let me go.

It's this stupid w*r!

- Hot lips is

a wonderful character,

Because the character is unique.

The woman has to have strength

and courage and resolution

And so forth to be an officer.

But she's a woman,

and she has femininity,

And she has impulses.

- They want to keep us apart,

because we're symbols of...

Of what a decent man and

woman can mean to each other,

Without the tawdriness

that fills

Their sordid little affairs.

- Yes, yes.

- Take one step closer,

and I'll bite your chest

Right through your shirt.

- Larry Linville and I

were a joke.

And I felt, after the first...

Maybe even half of the second

season, it was wearing thin.

- Oh, Frank.

You're so above average.

- It started to be awkward.

Why would this gal,

with so much going for her,

So much brights

and so much integrity,

Hook up with not only

a married man...

Okay, she's lonely, there's

nobody else, or whatever...

But a nincompoop?

- Listen, I was sound asleep,

and suddenly,

There's all these wounded!

It's nearly midnight!

Why can't they fight

from 9:00 to 6:00?

- Maybe the next w*r, Frank.

Maybe the next.

- The best description

I can give you of Loretta

Is the fact that hot lips

became Margaret.

- There were times

I had to fight

For the integrity

of the character.

There's no question about that.

- I'm in control.

And I'm going as far

in this man's army

As any woman can go!

- One of the things

I love that Loretta did was,

She was relentless in

wanting to make sure that

The character of Margaret

was a real woman

And not a one-note joke.

- What do you suppose

I am deep down?

- Deep, deep down?

A woman.

- Go a little deeper.

- A Major.

- I'm me.

Sometimes a nurse,

sometimes a Major,

Sometimes a woman in love,

sometimes all three at once.

- Sounds like

it's crowded in there.

- And sometimes

it's lonely in there.

- The maturation

of her character,

Both from her perspective

and from the perspective

Of the producers

and writers of the show,

Was a tribute to Loretta.

She wanted to be taken

seriously as an actress

As well as a character.

- Can you imagine

what it feels like to...

To walk by this tent

and hear your laughing

And know I'm not welcome?

Did you ever once ever offer me

a lousy cup of coffee?

- We didn't think you'd accept.

- Well, you were wrong.

- Ah, yes.

"MASH," proving once again

All's fair in love and w*r.

- Hey, soldier.

You forgot your purse.

- Halt!

Friend or foe?

- I'm General Barker.

- How do I know

you're not one of them

With a clever makeup job?

- Corporal Klinger, isn't it?

- Right.

- Okay, he's here.

Let's have it.

What's wrong with Klinger?

- What's wrong with Klinger?

- The premise of Klinger's

existence was that his mo was

That he wanted to get out

of the army on a section 8...

That he was nuts.

- Everybody know Klinger?

This is Captain Pak.

- Sir.

- Major Freedman.

- Ah, the psychiatrist!

- Still trying to get out

wearing dresses, Klinger.

- Earrings with a sweater?

- Murray wrote this character.

And the moment I saw it,

I said, oh, that's beautiful,

And I said,

I got the guy for it...

Jamie Farr.

Jamie Farr has these

skinny, bony legs,

And he's got a large nose.

He's a natural comedian,

wonderful comedian.

He would be great

dressed as a woman.

He's the guy.

- I'm section 8, head to toe.

I'm wearing a Warner bra.

I play with dolls.

My last wish is to be buried

in my mother's wedding gown.

I'm nuts.

I should be out.

- Horse hockey.

- He was the court jester

of the camp.

And they certainly needed that.

- I love your gloves, Klinger.

- Sears catalog.

They were having a white sale.

You trace your hands

on a piece of paper

To give them your right size.

However, if you want

the black ones,

Which aren't on

the white sale...

You really don't care, do you?

- It was at best

a sitcom character.

And he pranced

and danced and did

All his silly stuff

with the dresses

And the hats and everything.

But beneath it all,

I want to go home.

I don't want to be here.

This is crazy being here.

People are sh**ting at you.

You know, for me,

that justified it all.

- How did he try it this time?

- Pretending to be

a business girl.

- Klinger.

Klinger, where did your mother

and I go wrong?

- Jamie was wonderful.

He had so much humanity

that would

Come up through the hijinks

that he was doing.

- Another week in command,

and I'd have had you

Out of that dress.

- I'm not that easy.

- And I loved

the way he did it...

Over the top, quite often,

but with such energy,

Such joy, that I just

kind of had to laugh

And say, oh, God, Jamie.

- Sir.

You got to let me go, sir.

I just have to get married.

- You're not pregnant, are you?

- Don't be ridiculous, sir.

- Me?

You're the one who looks

like he just blew

Out of "gone with the wind."

- There wasn't a character

like Klinger on any show, ever.

It was an original character,

as I say to people.

Because every time a man

always put on a dress,

It was as a disguise.

But no one put on a dress

and then played it straight.

- What are you doing?

- Who's...

- Can't a guy have a wash

and set without somebody

Biting him on the neck?

- Biting who?

- I was biting you!

- No, you weren't!

You were biting me!

- Klinger, what are you

doing in here?

- Just borrowing a little

of your shampoo, Major.

It's w*r time.

We all got to help each other.

- No, we don't.

You get out of here,

you pervert!

- Pervert?

Who bit who, Major?

- My mother said,

oh, Jamie's my favorite.

I said, you mean,

next to me, of course.

And she said,

no, Jamie's my favorite.

Thank you, mother.

Thanks. Very nice.

- Disgusting.

You have your nerve,

wearing white.

- Jealous?

- I hated that character.

I hated it, until...

Until later on,

when it became more

Than a one-joke character.

- With Klinger,

we played out the dresses

And the section 8

for longer than was needed.

It was easy for us

to shake up Klinger's areas

Of responsibility and Klinger's

Whole attitude toward the w*r.

- I didn't want to lose

the... as they said,

The Klinger spirit.

But at the same time, I wanted

to make it somewhat different.

- I know it's 6:00 in

the morning, Lieutenant,

But I've got to talk

to General MacArthur!

Just tell him Max Klinger's

on the phone!

Yeah, he knows me!

I've been sending him

love letters for years!

Hello?

Hello!

See if he gets my vote

for dictator.

- Hey, you.

You all right?

Just out of breath.

I... I ran from chapel.

- Happily, you ran

for nothing, padre.

No last rites today.

- Oh, thank heaven.

Uh, could I show you something

in a "get well" prayer?

- Bill Christopher is

a totally unique human being,

With a totally unique

sense of humor,

A totally unique

approach to acting,

And a totally unique

approach to life.

- We thank thee for guiding us

safely to this place

And ask thy blessing that we may

Continue to heal and do thy work

And for a speedy end

to this w*r...

I mean, police action.

Uh, well, you know

what I mean, lord.

Amen.

- Well, Bill's...

Bill... I've heard Bill say that

he thought "MASH" was a series

About a priest in Korea.

I think he really believes it.

- Terribly sorry, padre.

- Well, that's all right, General.

I'll just turn the other cheek.

- He played the character so

honestly and wholeheartedly.

- Given our circumstances,

the best of us

Can behave in erratic

and irresponsible ways.

- That note that

he was playing was,

These are my children

and my friends,

And they're not perfect,

But that's what makes them

interesting.

- Having heard about

the callous prank you played

On poor Major Winchester,

I choose not to speak to you,

For if I did, I would tell you

You are a goon

and a blockheaded bozo!

But as a man of God,

I'm above name-calling.

Good day.

- He's a man who's out of his

depth a lot of the time.

I think Mulcahy felt

that he had something

To perform that

was very special,

But he does fumble occasionally.

- My friends, the lord said this

To Aaron after the passing

away of his beloved sons,

Nadab and Abihu.

It's rather warm in here.

- Some other individual

might be able

To do it better,

but he's the only one...

He's the one they got.

And he's... he's willing

to put himself on the line

And just do his best.

- I have to say a prayer first.

- You gotta say a prayer first.

- Make it a damn short one.

- I can't think of any.

- Oh, my God.

- Bless us, o lord,

and these thy gifts,

Which we're about to receive

from thy bounty

Through Christ our lord, amen.

- That's great!

- He just had a resilience

that Bill captured perfectly,

Of no matter how dark

the moment,

How difficult the situation,

it was all gonna work out.

And nothing was gonna defeat

him, because he had faith,

Literally and figuratively.

- You're going to

have to believe,

Whether you believe or not.

Fortunately, you've fallen

into the hands of the best

Medical unit in Korea.

I swear it.

Just have a little faith

in these doctors.

Just a little.

Try, okay?

- He was exactly

the man that we needed

In that circumstance, with

these kids who were wounded,

And with these doctors

who were crazy,

And with these nurses who

were angry and frustrated.

He was like an island of

both innocence and empathy.

Great, great,

sweet, kind empathy.

- Listen to me, BJ.

I tried to stay out of the way,

because what you people

Do here is so important.

But understand at a time

like this, what I have to do

Is just as important.

And no one,

not you nor anyone else,

Is going to stand between

me and the performance

Of my sacred office.

- I'm sorry, father.

- This wasn't just

going to be a comedy

With a real w*r as a backdrop.

They were going to show

that horror.

- Pierce, are you scared?

- Don't be silly.

I'm too frightened to be scared.

- Take it easy, kid.

I'm a doctor.

- Oh!

But I need Dr. Pierce!

He's the only one

who can help me.

- I'm pierce.

What's the problem?

- You're my problem.

I think I love you.

- I think in terms

of a show finding itself,

It takes a while.

And there were a few watershed

moments along the way.

I remember an episode called

"sometimes you hear

The b*llet,"

in which an old friend

Of Hawkeye's...

they knew each other

Back in the states,

they'd been pals...

And he comes there

as a freelance journalist.

- Listen,

what I don't understand

Is what a guy like you,

with your background,

Is doing here in the infantry.

Why aren't you a correspondent

or something?

- Look.

If I was a correspondent,

I'd be reporting the w*r.

In the infantry, I'm living it.

- So what's the difference?

- Here.

Here's the difference.

- "You never hear the b*llet."

Is that a book?

- Yeah, it's about the w*r.

And it's being written by

a soldier, not a correspondent.

- That was the first real

dramedy episode that we did.

- Attention, all personnel!

All medical personnel!

- That's what I'm talking about.

- Oh, a whole regiment

took it in the teeth

A while ago!

It's gonna be a long night!

Come on.

- And it was a departure.

It was... it took guts.

- I heard the b*llet coming.

Just like in the movies.

- So you'll change the title

of the book, that's all.

"Sometimes you hear the b*llet."

It's a better title anyway.

- Well, that was very

important to show.

It was the first time we really

dealt with the doctors

Being touched and moved

and not themselves again

After surgery,

instead of just walking out

And saying, let's have a drink.

- Give me some retraction

and suction.

- Father Mulcahy.

- I can't get a pressure.

I've lost the pulse.

- I'm gonna open the chest.

Give me a knife.

I said, give me a knife.

- Pierce.

Go help McIntyre.

- It was the first time

we k*lled a character

Who wasn't an extra,

who, most importantly,

Was somebody that Hawkeye knew

And that Hawkeye had

great affection for,

And that Hawkeye

then had enormous reaction

Upon his death.

- Henry, I know

why I'm crying now.

Tommy was my friend,

and I watched him die,

And I'm crying.

I've watched guys die

almost every day.

Why didn't I ever cry for them?

- Because you're a doctor.

- The hell does that mean?

- I don't know.

If I had the answer,

I'd be at the mayo clinic.

Does this place look

like the mayo clinic?

Look, all I know is what they

taught me at command school.

There are certain rules

about a w*r.

And rule number one

is young men die.

And rule number two is doctors

can't chain rule number one.

- An executive from CBS said,

Let me tell you how

you've ruined this show.

You've ruined "MASH,"

because you can't k*ll people,

Or you can't have serious stuff

this serious,

And expect to stay on the air.

We got certain negative

comments about,

The show isn't as funny,

and it's gotten more serious.

But then there were other

people who did like it,

And the ratings kept going up.

And that was really important

in allowing us

To realize that, wow,

we can do serious stuff here,

Really serious stuff.

- Oh, everybody knows

w*r is hell.

- w*r isn't hell.

w*r is w*r, and hell is hell.

And of the two,

w*r is a lot worse.

- How do you figure that,

Hawkeye?

- Easy, padre.

Tell me.

Who goes to hell?

- Sinners, I believe.

- Exactly.

There are no innocent

bystanders in hell.

The w*r is chock full of them.

- It was against w*r.

It didn't matter

whether it was world w*r I,

II, III, IV, V,

or Vietnam or, you know,

Afghanistan or anything.

w*r is a terrible thing.

People are getting k*lled.

- This sort of action's

contagious.

One man decides

he's not gonna fight.

It catches on, next thing,

You know what you got

on your hands?

- Peace?

- We were not anti-military

in any way, shape, or form.

Some of us had been

in the military.

But I think all of what we

did on "MASH" was to say,

w*r makes no sense.

This k*lling, this bleeding,

this horror, this maiming

Of human beings must stop.

- Hey, she's just a little kid.

- Eight years old.

I got a granddaughter

back home who's about eight.

- What happened to her?

- Somebody dropped a b*mb on

her village from an airplane.

- Who did it?

- He just dropped it.

He didn't autograph it.

- No, I mean, was it one

of theirs or one of ours?

- What difference

does that make?

- A lot.

It makes a lot of difference.

- Not to her.

- When the series went

on the air in 1972,

We were, of course,

heavily involved in Vietnam.

And this country was, you know,

woefully short of heroes,

And the medical people

on this show

Represented

that missing component.

- If you ask me,

you guys are like supermen.

You're all set.

Good, night, supermen.

- I had gotten too big

for my britches, I think.

- You could do anything

with that show,

And they did do anything.

- I was shocked.

- I got good news, honey.

I'm coming home.

Honest. For good.

- Colonel?

- Yo.

- Do you know what I found

in this morning's mail?

- Uh, now, that's a tough one.

Hum a few bars, will you, Radar?

You're going home.

- I'm going home?

- You got all your points.

They're discharging you.

- McLean Stevenson was

wonderful as Colonel Blake,

But he began getting restless

and expressing

The desire that maybe

he wanted to move on.

- People were whispering

in his ear,

You can have your own show.

But they didn't say, but you

won't have Larry Gelbart.

You... you won't have

the cast around.

You won't have Radar.

You won't have all

these people around you.

You won't have

the same situation.

- There were a number of things

that went into that.

I had gotten too big

for my britches, I think.

I've never admitted that,

and here I am,

Talking now to, hopefully,

millions of people.

So...

- Henry, we're giving you

this party.

- Mm.

- You know why?

- Because I'm going home.

- Wrong.

Because you're one hell

of a human being.

- The thing I didn't realize was

That people really

didn't give two hoots in hell

About McLean Stevenson.

They loved Henry Blake.

- I got good news, honey.

I'm coming home.

Honest. For good.

Yeah, the orders just

came through this morning.

I ought to be coming

through the front door

In about three days.

- I don't know what

you've heard about this,

But I was there.

This was a show where McLean's

character was leaving.

It was also the last show

of our season.

- A lot of "MASH"

has faded a little.

I can't tell you the plots.

But I can tell you...

describe that day.

- Bless you, Henry Blake.

Your work here will

never be forgotten.

- Thank you, father.

- So long, Henry!

Good trip!

- Take it easy, pal.

- When I looked at him,

I saw Radar,

But I knew I was saying

goodbye to Gary Burghoff.

All that relationship

that he and I had together,

That was so special to us.

Because much of the stuff

that we did, we did together.

- You behave yourself,

or I'm gonna come back

And kick your butt.

- Mac and I were finished,

And we were leaving the set,

Walking out the door

to our dressing rooms.

As we approached the door,

Larry Gelbart,

Gene Reynolds were walking in

With a new scene in their hands.

- And so I had this manila

envelope with the last page

In it that they'd never seen.

And I gave them each a copy,

and they looked at it,

And they were really...

it's not often in your life

That you see people stunned.

And they really could not

believe what was on the page.

- I was shocked.

- I didn't say anything.

And I remember, um...

Alan sort of asking, why?

And Larry answering

the question, well, to us,

It shows the futility of w*r.

- Radar, put a mask on.

- If that's my discharge,

give it to me straight.

I can take it.

- I have a message.

Lieutenant Colonel

Henry Blake's plane...

Was shot down

over the Sea of Japan.

It spun in.

There were no survivors.

- This was a leading character

that everybody loved,

And they k*lled him.

- The reason we kept it a secret

Was to keep the actors

from being influenced

By that information.

If they started to film the show

Knowing that Henry was a dead

man by the end of the episode,

Their performances would

have been quite different.

Good as they are,

you can't help it,

Because they would have been

dealing with their emotions

As people, as co-workers

of McLean Stevenson.

- I could cry now.

It was...

it was devastating to us.

- On thinking about it,

I think it showed

How good a show we really had.

We could do things

that were so believable,

That we could emotionally

affect even ourselves.

- I think it was

a very grown-up thing to do,

A very sensible thing to do.

We had hundreds

of letters from viewers,

Saying you tricked us,

you sucked us in.

We thought this was

a comedy show.

How dare you toy

with our feelings?

All those letters are in

the Smithsonian Institute.

And I'm very proud of that show.

- May I tell you

the greatest compliment

I ever heard for the show?

I'm going into a restaurant,

and a man approached me

In the parking lot,

said Mr. Burghoff,

May I speak to you for a moment?

I said, sure.

He said, I was in

the trenches in Korea.

And he said, when I came back

home in 1952, I was changed.

And my wife knew that

I needed to talk about it.

And I couldn't bring myself

to talk about it.

And he said, when your show

came on the air

Many years later,

it was the first time that

I could reach over

and touch her on the arm

And say, see, honey?

That's the way it was.

We always tried to tie

the entertainment value

Into the reality

as much as we possibly could

In our small way.

Bye.

- See you.

- Excuse me.

- I had this terrible thought

that if "MASH" fails

In its fourth season,

I'm gonna wear it

Around my neck

for the rest of my life.

and oh, my God.

- Can I have my pillow back?

- No.

- Are you kidding?

- Hey, would I kid you?

- Why didn't you think of it

before we left home?

- When the series first started,

It was with the assumption

that trapper john

And Hawkeye would be equals.

And over the course of time,

it didn't seem

To work out quite that way.

The series kind of slanted

more toward Hawkeye.

So ultimately, Wayne decided

that he wanted to leave.

- What's a scam?

- Just about to draw straws

to see who goes out

And defuses the b*mb.

- Boy, do I know

when to come into a room.

- 'Cause I didn't think

I was fulfilling my time.

I wasn't being used enough

To satisfy what I wanted to do.

It may sound a little nuts,

and probably,

As I look back on it,

it probably was a little nuts.

- Thanks, trap.

- What?

- You made it bearable.

I was lucky.

You were honest and open.

You let me lean on you.

- No charge.

- We lost McLean Stevenson,

we lost Wayne Rogers,

And the people who came in,

not to replace them,

But to add, you know, a new

note to this cacophony of sound

That we were already making,

It just was like adrenaline.

- Pierce, I'm just

a little confused.

- Hawkeye.

And don't let a little

confusion throw you, Captain.

- BJ.

- One of the first things

you'll learn over here, BJ,

Is that insanity is no worse

than the common cold.

- Bj, welcome to Korea.

- First day, Gary Burghoff

walked up, shook my hand,

And said how glad

he was to have me there.

Loretta did the same thing.

- Hi, Margaret.

How the heck are you?

- You jerk face,

you louse mouth!

- Oh, you're just saying that.

- It was like homecoming

Rather than me being

the new guy.

- So pitch in,

muddle through, pip-pip,

And the whole schmear.

Ours not to reason why,

ours not to let 'em die.

- In other words, do your job

as best you can and sh...

- You got it.

- We looked a long time

before we found somebody

That could share the swamp.

Mike was perfect.

- I'm here to discuss

something besides underwear.

- Make it brief.

- Oh! That's very bad.

- Not funny, but fast.

- If it's a spiritual problem,

Give me a minute,

and I'll come back as a nun.

- Careful, Klinger.

Dressing as a nun

can be habit-forming.

- One of the first rules

of making these switches is,

Whatever you do,

make it different.

It doesn't mean you're gonna

get an actor who's better

Or the former actor

was not as good.

Just make it all as different

as you possibly can.

- You?

- Me what?

- Ever been unfaithful?

- To whom?

- Well, who could you

be unfaithful to?

- Myself, for openers.

- No, no, come on.

You know what I mean...

to your wife.

- You mean have I ever strayed?

- Never checked in somewhere

without a toothbrush?

- Never.

- Never been tempted?

- Tempted's another subject.

- Ah, you have been tempted.

- Never,

but it's another subject.

- Hawkeye could be caustic,

and he could be sarcastic.

He could... I think Mike's

character, BJ, was gentler,

Who sometimes brought it

down to more of

A Norman Rockwell dialogue

with his feelings

Toward his family.

So there was contrast,

But at the same time,

the camaraderie.

- There must be some awful

name you're hiding

If you won't even tell

your best friend.

- You're such a nudge.

- It's "noodge."

There, I told you something.

Now you tell me something.

- No use. I won't "boodge."

- "Decency."

That was the best word

for Mike Farrell, I think,

Is that he had a quality

of decency that

Was just remarkable,

that we incorporated from

His own personality

into the character.

- At some point, Gene Reynolds

came up to me, and he said,

How would you feel about it

if BJ was tempted?

We had a scene where BJ falls

off the fidelity wagon.

And I said, it depends on

how you resolve it.

And they wrote a show

where BJ and this nurse...

She was heartbroken,

and BJ tried to console her,

And pretty soon,

the consoling her

Turned into something else.

And then BJ was

wracked with guilt.

Oh, my God, what have I done?

- I'm miserable.

I'm a happily married man,

not like Frank Burns

Is happy because his wife

owns real estate.

I adore my wife and my kid

and my marriage.

- I know.

- I don't like being unfaithful.

I'm not looking around.

I'm lucky to have what I've got.

- You're right. You are lucky.

- It was a great exploration

of this character

And his dedication

to his wife and his desire

To be faithful to her

and his being a human being

Who screwed up.

- You were helping somebody,

and it got out of hand.

You made a mistake.

- I sure did.

- What's that?

- I'm writing peg about it.

- Wrong, wrong, wrong!

Don't be an idiot!

You made one lousy goof,

And you want to punish yourself,

But don't punish her!

Do not tell peg.

Don't tell anybody

what you just told me.

This will pass.

- Like a kidney stone.

- Simply take a vow.

Raise your right hand.

Come on. Come on.

I promise to be a good

and faithful husband,

To write nice, cheerful letters

home, to think of peg often,

And to keep my fat hands

off Nurse Donovan.

Do you vow?

- I vow.

- I feel better

About you already.

- Thanks.

- When Wayne left

and Mike came in, now,

Mike and I had

a similar relationship,

Although the characters

were very different.

- You don't know me

very well, do you?

- Maybe I know you

better than you think I do.

- Oh, you think so?

- Yeah, I think so.

- Always have to get

the last word in?

- Yes.

- Oh, yeah?

I can prove to you right now

I don't have to...

- Oh, come on.

- No, I can.

Really, just say something

and walk away.

- All right.

I think you're a very

competitive person.

- Fine.

- You just did it.

- Did what?

- Just got in the last word.

- That doesn't count.

- Then don't say anything.

- Okay.

- We knew we needed

to develop a friendship too,

And that was very easy.

We had a wonderful

joking relationship.

- Okay.

- Not another word!

- No problem.

- It's no use!

- Wrong.

- A lot of the affection

between those two characters

Was what Mike and I felt

for each other.

- You still love me

for all my faults?

- What faults? You're perfect.

- Just for that, I'm gonna

let you get the last word in.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Stick that horn in your ear.

- On your feet, soldier.

I'm Colonel Potter.

- Oh, boy.

- Gee, sir.

You sure know how

to take care of your people.

- I got a soft spot for Klinger.

He looks a little like my son.

And he dresses

a lot like my wife.

- You can't mention

any of these replacements

Like Harry Morgan without

mentioning Burt Metcalfe.

- Burt... casting genius.

I mean, he has

a real eye for casting.

- Very talented at that,

always right on the mark.

- A year or two earlier,

Harry Morgan

Had been cast as a General

who was absolutely bonkers.

I mean, he was a total nut.

- Well, we can stand and fight.

Or we can have lunch.

- Lunch!

- Lunch!

- Yeah, I'm a little

hungry myself.

- That was a very good

episode and funny,

And he was terrific.

And I said, you know,

I don't think it matters.

Why don't we use

Harry Morgan again?

- Well, harry gave us

a chance to have another kind

Of camp commander,

a regular army man,

Someone who would stand up for

The thing we were always

knocking down.

- Wait a minute.

Pierce, are you "deef"?

I'm giving your hijinks

the heave-ho, post-haste!

I'm the boss here!

- We were very honored

to have him,

Because he was such a well-known

And accomplished actor.

And he was wonderful

in the part.

- There's a time to step in

and a time to back off.

Pull the reins too tight,

and the horse will buck.

You had good people under you.

You should have let them go

through their paces.

You know, this is pretty good.

Someone should be

writing this down.

To my golden tongue.

- He could take a line and...

And do it in such a way

that you had not imagined

That line being delivered.

- Great logs of limburger.

Hot mustard!

I think that's a lot

of buffalo bagels.

That is grade-a

100% bull cookies.

Mule fritters! Bushwaugh!

Beaver biscuits!

Your turkeys gave everybody

the trots.

Holy hemostat!

Horse hockey.

Pardon my French.

- He was my friend,

my colleague, my...

My father sometimes, my...

He was everything.

- What's with her?

- We're worried about you, Colonel.

- I appreciate that.

I suppose.

Now, if you'll all put

the tear ducts on simmer,

I'll lay out the whole story.

- Well, the one

I liked the best,

Because I got an Emmy from it,

Was the thing we did called

"old soldiers,"

Which was about a tontine

that I think five of us

Had made in world w*r I.

- We were in France, under

a heavy a*tillery barrage.

My buddies and I laid low

in an old French Chateau.

We were quite a group,

the five of us.

Went through hell together,

And lived to get drunk about it.

What a great bunch of guys.

- And I tell you, one time,

I started, and I couldn't

Even get through the scene.

- Forgive me.

I can't talk about this

and him without a struggle.

- As much as my old friends

meant to me,

I think you new friends

mean even more.

So I'd like you to share

this bottle with me.

- We'd be honored, Colonel.

- Colonel Potter was this

wonderful, decent, thoughtful,

Talented, intelligent man

who had

Had this extraordinary career,

treating us like comrades,

Treating us like his equals.

- Just one thing...

I'd like to make the first

toast solo to my old buddies.

The idea was stunning to me,

and I think, to all of us.

We were all wrecked

by the end of that scene.

Wrecked.

- You were the friends

of my youth,

My comrades through

thick and thin,

And everything in between.

I drink to your memories.

I loved you, fellas.

One and all.

Okay, that's the old.

Now for the new.

To love and friendship.

- A lot of shows

would have faltered

And died when you have major

characters like that leaving.

Not our show.

- I'm a surgeon.

I'm not a circus roustabout.

- You're a clown.

- You're a buffoon.

- Bozo.

- Bottle it.

- Blood and guts burns.

Ha!

Ha! Ha!

- Larry Linville was

a wonderful actor

Who was so limited,

in a way, in that part.

- I really was sorry

to see him leave the show.

- You dirty rat, you!

- James Cagney!

- What I wanted to see was

more sides to the character

Come out, more

three-dimensionality to it,

So he could have more fun

as an actor doing it.

- Some people have said,

you know,

Why didn't the role progress?

Why didn't he become

more humane,

More compassionate,

more sensitive,

More comprehending,

more understanding?

And I said,

what do you want him to be?

Alan Alda?

I said, if it becomes these

things, then he's Hawkeye.

He's no longer Frank.

- And I think maybe part

of the reason he left

Was that he felt he'd reached

the end of the line

With what he could do

with the character.

- Give it another shot.

- I thought he'd never leave.

- I remember Burt coming up

to us one day,

And he said, I've got

a guy who is gonna be

Coming in here to replace Larry.

- What is that odor?

- North wind cesspool,

east wind latrine.

- The wind is from the south.

- Oh, that's the kitchen.

Sir, are you the doctor

we've been waiting for?

- It's quite likely.

- In comes David Ogden Stiers,

playing this snotty sob,

You know, Charles Emerson

Winchester III,

Who thought everybody

was beneath him.

- Due to my background

and breeding,

It was inevitable that

I attend the finest schools...

Choate, Harvard.

- The Massachusetts

institute of snobbery.

- When they get this way,

I usually just hit them

With a rolled-up newspaper.

- I loved it that

when David Ogden Stiers came

Into the show,

he was not asked to play

Anything like the character that

Larry Linville had played.

- Good evening, Lieutenant.

Time for the changing

of the guard.

Pierce, I've come

to relieve you.

I'm sure the patients

will be relieved as well.

- A creature of pattern, habit,

Regularity,

Who finds this all

very disturbing.

- Hunnicutt, if there's a God,

There will be a time

in your life

When you are in dire straits

And in desperate need of

a wealthy, influential friend.

When that time comes, I pray

that you will turn to me,

So that I can laugh

in your face.

- The character that he

created, with the accent...

I mean, he was just

such a rip to work with.

He was just so funny

and wonderful.

- Okay, you can start

with the bedpans

And work your way up.

- Absolutely not.

Absolutely

and unequivocally not.

Me, wash and clean?

I'm a doctor, not a woman.

- And he's going to be

every bit the surgeon

You and Hawkeye are.

And so the competition

between you

Is gonna be on

a very different level.

- Do you want it good, Colonel,

or do you want it fast?

- Good and fast.

This isn't Boston General.

We're a "MASH" unit.

We do a volume business.

- Well, I'm sorry I was not

trained on an assembly line.

- Neither was I. Nurse, wrench.

- He's placed in a place

that made him feel

Demeaned, exercising

his honed talents

In a manner far beneath him.

But mostly, I think

it's just tolerance.

He's not very well

practiced at it.

- I feel I could be more useful

in Tokyo or even the States.

- Not to me, commissioner.

- This meatball surgery of yours

Is causing my skills

to deteriorate!

They're wasting away!

- Don't change

the color of your face!

I'm out of umber!

- And I'm out of patience!

This place is driving me mad!

- Each of these cast changes

was, in a way, fortuitous,

Because it shook up

the chemistry of the show.

It made each actor have

a new facet

To his or her relationship

to this new character.

- Instead of taking

the easy way out,

You stood up for a principle.

- Yes.

Yes, I did, didn't I?

Well, I certainly won't

let that happen again.

I had the perfect Christmas

gift for you, pierce.

Crutches for your lame wit.

- Ha, ha.

- Ha, ha.

You scale the heights, pierce.

Allow me to take my leave

before you decimate me

With a "says you"

or, God forbid, an "oh, yeah."

Gentlemen.

- You're going home.

- I'm going home, sir?

- You heard him right, Radar.

Your time has come.

- People ask me...

They've been asking me

for 30 years...

Why I left the show.

- Attention out there.

Would Corporal Radar

O'Reilly please report

To his going-away party?

All of your friends

would love to see you

While they can still see.

Bye-bye.

Buy bonds.

- My life at that time,

It was a beautiful picture

that was all crooked,

And I had to step back big time

In order to grow

as a human being.

Part of my stepping back,

unfortunately,

Included "MASH."

I didn't leave the show.

My contract expired.

You know, I had

a seven-year contract.

I just didn't renegotiate it,

Because I was stepping back

from everything.

Oh, no.

Hawkeye. Hawkeye!

- I hear them.

Radar, there may not

be time for...

- I'll find you, Hawkeye.

- My goodbye party

was interrupted,

Because the wounded came in.

I said to myself,

what a wonderful moment.

I can cry my eyes out,

and I can do

This wonderful, dramatic moment.

I could just

completely fall apart.

And the director said,

if I were you,

I would fight the tears.

And I said,

no, just let me do it.

Okay?

So the next day, in dailies,

I look at the screen,

and it's awful.

I mean, it is just terrible.

The director was right.

I was wrong.

I turned to Burt.

I said, please,

can I do this again?

And he said, yes, you may.

- We did some, maybe,

15 or 20 shows

In which we experimented

radically with the way

We told the story.

- You've read a lot of

Hemingway and his reports

From Madrid in the Spanish w*r.

He romanticized that w*r.

I think you might agree.

- I used to love reading Hemingway,

Because he wrote so well.

But now that I'm here, I can't

understand why anybody would

Willingly go to a w*r,

would go with enthusiasm,

Would want to be there

while it's happening.

I'd do anything

to get out of here.

- Good evening,

ladies and germs.

I'm sorry I'm late,

but my watch stopped.

It had to.

It's been running fast all week.

- We also had this wonderful

alliance with the audience,

At least one that

I imagined we had,

That you knew if you

experimented on a show...

And we did some, maybe,

15 or 20 shows

In which we experimented

radically with

The way we told the story.

And we had the feeling that

if it went too far for them,

If it was too experimental,

They knew we'd be back

next week.

- Incoming!

- I adored every episode

where we broke ground.

There was one called

"point of view."

- Yeah.

Okay, we're almost there.

Listen, just relax.

The surgeons here are the best.

I mean, the best.

- The whole episode

was from the point of view

Of the patient.

You never saw a reverse.

It was always what he saw

Through his entire trauma

and treatment.

- Hey, how's he doing?

- Better.

- I told you.

- There is another show we did.

It was called "lifetime."

It took place in real time.

And we even put a ticking

clock on the screen.

The doctors were racing

against that clock,

With only 20 minutes to find

and transplant an organ

To save the life

of a wounded soldier

And prevent him

from being paralyzed.

- Congratulations, partner.

Pour in the antibiotics.

- Kellye, time.

It's 2:55 and 25 seconds.

- We're 3 1/2 minutes over!

Damn it!

- Maybe the hypothermia

bought us some time.

- Yeah, on the other hand,

maybe it didn't.

- Hawk, we saved his life.

- Yeah, well,

I guess that's something.

- It's more than something.

It's everything.

- The following is

in black and white.

This is a room in Korea,

a room most of the men

Fighting the second year

of the w*r

Would rather not see.

This is an operating room

in a "MASH,"

A mobile army surgical hospital.

- We had seen a documentary

that Ed Murrow had done

In Korea called "see it now."

And we'd always had the notion

of doing a show like that.

- And the fact that they were

doing it in black and white,

To take a chance and say, okay,

We're gonna do this

like a newsreel,

Was very interesting.

- Bored.

How many times can you

watch those training

Films they send over here?

VD is the enemy,

And don't let this

happen to you.

I'd like it to happen to me

to break up the boredom.

Just kidding, honey.

- So they gave us

tape recorders.

All the actors had

tape recorders

With questions to answer.

- Larry trusted us enough

to know that

We would respond

from our characters.

At that point, we understood

our characters so well.

- This is my third w*r.

I was in the big one,

Then the second world w*r,

and now Korea.

I hope w*r is getting smaller

as a trend.

- You've been here some time.

- Somewhere between

some time and eternity.

- Larry took all of that

material that we had

Improvised into

the tape recorders,

But also the material that

had been punched up by Larry,

So it was more pointed, funnier.

- I don't see any harm

in doctors

Being ordered to behave

as patriotically as possible.

- Well, doesn't patriotism

have to come from the heart?

- I don't have that problem.

- Number one with me

is the toilet seats.

They give you slivers

and splinters,

And you can't

really reach around

And take them out yourself.

Boy, that's when you find out

who your friends really are.

- Then the interviewer

would ask us

Questions we hadn't expected.

So we were on the spot,

on camera,

And some really good stuff

came out of that.

- You got to understand,

I'm not working

On sick people here.

I'm working on

hurt young people,

With essentially healthy bodies

that have been

Insulted by amm*nit*on.

- A real piece

of wonderful theater

That allowed us as actors

in character to talk about

Our... what we're experiencing

in this god-awful place

Under these circumstances.

- When I first came here,

I couldn't walk down

A corridor full

of wounded people

Without being sickened by it.

And now, I can walk down

without noticing them.

- For me, I thought it was raw

and beautiful and honest.

- I don't mind being

the only priest here.

It's sort of fun to have

a corner on the market.

But well, what was the question?

- When I got my version,

I found that

There was this wonderful

thing written there

That I had nothing to do with.

Larry wrote it.

When I read it, I was so moved.

- When the doctors

cut into a patient,

And it's cold, you know,

The way it is now today,

Steam rises from the body.

And the doctor will...

Will warm himself

over the open wound.

Could anyone look on that

and not feel changed?

- What a moment.

What a television moment.

And nobody could have, you know,

Done it more sensitively

than Bill Christopher.

- Next on "MASH"...

- There it is.

That's the sound of peace.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

five minutes ago,

At 10:01 this morning,

The truce was signed

in Panmunjom.

The hostilities will end

12 hours from now at 10:00.

The w*r is over!

- The Korean w*r was only

about three, four years,

And here,

we had been at it for 11.

- 11 years.

At some point,

you're gonna be running

Out of jokes, out of stories.

- We're stopping

because we feel...

We feel that if we went further,

We would risk squeezing it dry.

- Hi. I'm Burt Metcalfe.

I'm the executive producer

of "MASH."

It's been my good fortune

to be here for 11 years now.

It seems like all on this stage.

Sitting next to me is

Alan Alda, whom I suspect

You all recognize readily.

We're talking to you

from stage 9,

20th Century FOX in Los Angeles.

This is the operating room,

the or,

In which we've done

a number of memorable sequences

Over the years.

And we wanted to talk to you

a little about what we hope

Will be another

memorable show for you,

A two-hour final

expanded version of "MASH"

In which we're going to bring

to a conclusion the Korean w*r

And the 11-year run

of "MASH" on television.

- I mean, people

are looking forward

To an emotional experience when

these people that they've been

Watching for 11 years

and whose fortunes they've

Been following finally come

To that point

where they separate.

- I thought it would be too

flippant for us to just say,

Oh, the w*r is over,

that's nice, that's great,

Let's go home,

and pick up our lives.

It seemed like something

we ought to deal with.

- My hope was to tell a story

that showed the w*r ending

And the doctors

and nurses going home,

But to show that in some way,

everybody had been affected

By the w*r,

that they were all going home

With some kind of a wound.

- Dear dad,

For the first time, I understand

What a nervous disorder is,

because it seems I've got one.

I guess I'll be seeing you

soon, since I doubt

If they'll let a surgeon

operate whose cheese

Has slipped off his cr*cker.

- Dear lord,

I know there must be a reason

for this, but what is it?

I answered the call

to do your work.

I've devoted my life to it.

And now, how am I

supposed to do it?

What good am I now?

What good is a deaf priest?

- Well, I thought it was

interesting having

Father Mulcahy get

that disability

And be angry with God,

That God had thrown him a curve.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, wait!

Now, don't you do that!

No!

My God, they're musicians.

- Winchester had this great

passion for classical music,

And early on in the show,

confronts a group

Of Chinese POWs

who are musicians.

And he gets them to perform

Mozart's clarinet quintet.

And it's a marvelous

portion of the story.

- Doctor?

- He wasn't even a soldier.

He was a musician.

- Later on, he learns

that they're all dead,

And that becomes an enormous,

emotional upheaval for him.

- They threw you curves.

And that was... which was

so good about that show.

- I now pronounce you

husband and wife.

- I thought it would be

really fun to have him be

The one, the one who was

trying desperately to get out

Of Korea, to fall in love

with a Korean woman

And be the one

who stayed in Korea.

- Bye!

- Goodbye, Margaret.

I know you've got

your career in order.

But don't forget to have

a happy life too.

- Harry and I...

again, Margaret and Potter...

Had their very serious,

loving relationship.

- My dear sweet man,

I'll never forget you.

- How to get through saying,

"you dear sweet man,

I'll never forget you,"

and I still can't do it.

Because I never will.

I mean, he was just...

we were just so close.

- Loretta, you have

very tearful eyes now.

So this has got to be

a very tearful moment for you.

- No.

Yes, it is.

Very. Very.

- What's next?

- I'm not doing well.

- How much are you

gonna miss the show?

- How much would

you miss your arm?

- It was... for me,

it was this perfect ending

To a perfect experience.

- To this day,

the "MASH" series finale

Is the highest-rated telecast

in the history of television.

It's a record that

will never be broken.

- And nobody really knows

how big that audience was,

'cause there were people

watching in town halls,

Hundreds of people

in front of one set,

And they only counted

the TV sets

And tried to figure it out

from that.

So I like to think

that we don't really know

How big the audience was,

but it was pretty big.

It was about half the country

watching at one time.

- In exactly eight hours,

the Korean w*r

Will be officially over.

It's a time for summing up.

And these are the most

up-to-date figures we have.

The cost of the w*r

to the united states

Has been placed at $22 billion.

Don't look at me.

I only get 300 a month.

- In human terms,

the cost was much greater.

- Some critics have said that

"MASH" is more than a TV show,

That it did something

in terms of changing

The attitude

of the American television

Audience toward w*r.

Do you agree

or disagree with that?

And how do you think it may have

Changed the American attitude?

- Well, that's a big question.

I think that it's clear

that "MASH" fitted

Into a lot of the feeling

of the country

When we'd come to Vietnam.

And I don't feel

that I'm the best person

To expound on this.

But "MASH," in its

development, of course,

Began to deal

with social issues.

And I was... we all felt

that the things

That we were able

to touch on were meaningful.

- The acting was superb.

A lot of the writing was

very good, well-directed,

Just a very carefully

crafted show,

With some ideas

that are timeless.

- Good is good,

and it lasts forever.

It's the legacy that

was left by a bunch

Of people who actually

loved what they were doing.

- Okay, and action.

- One of the questions

that I've often been asked

Over the years is,

why do we think

The show was so successful?

And I've always said

that the audience loved

Those characters,

but somehow, subliminally,

They also got the sense that

the actors loved one another.

- And cut.

- That's a wrap!

- I think I'm proud

of all those people that

Made it possible,

all the writers and the actors,

The whole g*ng.

- I think the feeling

generally is

One of sort of an

overwhelming sadness,

Because it's never gonna be

like this again.

It's breaking up a family.

It is. It's sad.

- The constant camaraderie

and the constant humor

And respect and love,

It was synchronicity.

It doesn't happen often,

or maybe even ever again.

- Father, I may

never see you again.

And before you go, there's

something I've been meaning

To tell you for a long time.

Your shirt's on backwards.

- Uh...

- "MASH" changed my life.

And I always say,

well, you know,

The blessings that

"MASH" showered on me

Were so great, that I think

I'm a pretty lucky actor.

- A couple of days ago,

somebody asked me

If I thought "MASH" had

made me a better actor.

And I said I didn't know

about that,

But I know it's made me...

A better human being.

And there aren't many shows

you can say that about.

- Colonel, before you go,

we've been thinking about it,

And there's a little something

we'd like to give you.

It's not much,

but it comes from the heart.

- It's hard to remember

all of the wonderful things

I went through on "MASH,"

Because it happened so long ago.

Sometimes it seems like

it happened to

A completely different person,

But fortunately,

he lets me live in his house.

- Look, I know how tough it is

for you to say goodbye,

So I'll say it.

I'll miss you.

- I'll miss you.

A lot.

- The show resonated

with people in a way that,

In my experience,

has not happened before

And has not happened since.

The clichs when

we were doing the show

Was from people who said,

I never watched television,

And I never missed "MASH."

The one I hear today

more than any other is,

I used to watch the show

with my father,

Or I used to watch the show

with my grandfather,

And now I watch the show

with my children.