06x15 - Bowled Over

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

MAN: ♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ♪♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in, line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

WEBSTER: Have a good day at work, ma'am?

No, I didn't have a good day.

I had a great day!

I have joined the Community Center Bowling League.

Ma'am bowls?

The league is being sponsored by a wealthy patron.

I am hoping to persuade him to underwrite the cost

of my child care program at the Community Center.

Mm, kind of like Bowling for Dollars, huh, ma'am?

That's it exactly. Plus, the fact

that it's really good exercise, George.

And you were just saying the other day

that you wouldn't mind getting into some exercise.

Oh, wait a minute. You signed me up to bowl?

Well, honey, come on. It was a couples' league.

Well, it's for the child care center, you can count me in.

Thank you!

Well, couldn't it be a kids' league?

I mean, because I'm a bowling demon.

Webster Long makes a smooth approach.

Strike!Oh!

And the crowd goes wild here at Bowl-O-Rama!

[ Imitates cheering ]

You know, the sponsor

is head of Bar-Cal Industries.

And, coincidentally, he and his wife

just happen to be on our team.

You're good at arranging coincidences.

Thank you.

Good evening, Katherine.Oh, hello.

George.Oh, Dr. Dreidelman

and Dr. Dreidelman, nice to see you.

We brought the league shirts.

Great.Well, here we are.

Katherine."'Cal' the Hot Tub King

says 'Have a Bowl.'"Katherine.

What?Kath, it's Cal the Hot Tub --

[ Gasps ]It's Bar-Cal, as in --

George! Katherine!

BOTH: Barb and Cal Burke.

Hi!

[ Squeals ]

[ Laughs ]Oh!

Oh, Barbie, yeah!

[ Speaks indistinctly ]Hoo hoo hoo! [ Laughs ]

Say, are you still enjoying that free Jacuzzi I gave you?

You mean the one that left the free flood in our kitchen?

Ha ha! Yeah, that's just water under the dinette now,

isn't it, huh? [ Laughs ] Did you hear that?

Water under the dinette.[ Laughing ] Cal!

Barbie, Cal, first...

you remember the Dreidelmans?

Oh, yeah, Dreidelman, Dreidelman.

You're the guy I gave all the loot to, right?

Hey, hey, when do I get that commemorative plaque, anyway?

I want to put it up in my store there

right next to the one for handicapped, uh,

something or other.

Hi. Hi.

We're Joe and Irene. Sorry we're late.

The old heap just isn't what it used to be.

Ha ha! He's still got a few good years left in him, huh?

[ Laughs ]

She means the car!

Well...

Well, what do you say, everybody?

Should we -- Should we do a little warming up?

[ Gasps ] Ooh, what a fun idea!

[ Laughs ] Let's warm up, cuddle bear!

[ Laughing and whooping ]

Hey, Katherine, Lysol?

Uh, no, thank you. I think these look safe enough.

[ Sprays ]

Okay...

Katherine, Katherine, Katherine...

[ Laughs ]

Bigger steps! Not the tippy-toe!

[ Laughs ][ Laughs ]

Okay, Cal.

[ Laughs ]

My first gutterball!

[ Laughing ]

What do you expect, huh?

You got an approach like a pigeon-toed duck!

Oh, baby face, I just love it

when you do bird metaphors!

[ Laughs ]

To think I volunteered us for this team.

[ Cheering ]Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yeah!

George, we needed a strike there.

[ Pins clatter ]Ha ha! Hey!

Come on, Mrs. G., don't fondle it, huh?

It's a bowling ball, not a cantaloupe.

[ Laughs ]

[ Ball rolling ]

[ Pins clatter ]

[ Cheering ]

Come on, doctor lady, eh? Roll the ball,

don't psychoanalyze it, huh?

Gee!

Six steps?!Aah!

Looks like you're running a senior citizen marathon!

[ Crash ]Oh!

Sorry. [ Chuckles ] That hurt?

Aah! A spare! Oh! We won! We won!

Oh, George, Katherine, we won! We won!

Oh, doesn't he just give you goose bumps?

Yes, indeed! [ Under breath ] That, or hives.

Ah, sorry I made you look so bad, huh? [ Laughs ]

Hey, you guys, we gotta get us a team cheer, huh?

We just gotta find a word that rhymes with Burke.

I can think of one.

George.

Uh, I can't tell you how fun this has been,

the four of us being on the same team and all.

George and I have to go home now, don't we, George?

Oh, no, don't! Hey!

Why don't all of you come on over to our place,

and we'll have an around-the-world

cheese party?!

Is there an emergency exit here?

I'll make one.Thank you.

Oh, hey, hey. I get it, I get it.

It's 'cause you lost the match, right, huh?

Hey, hey, you're not such a sore loser

you wouldn't share a man's cheese, huh?

No, we just had all the crud

we can stand for one evening.

Don't you mean "curd"?No, I mean "crud."

Hey! Hey, look --

Hey, you got something to say, just say it, huh?

Come on, just get it off your chest.

I don't get it!

Didn't we pay for this whole thing?

Did you tell anybody that the shirts I bought were seconds?

[ Voice breaks ] I know what's wrong!

Well, what is it, little preshy-face?

Nobody likes us, do they?

George? Katherine?

Uh, well, uh, let's not get carried away.

Uh, nobody is liked by everybody,

and everybody isn't liked by somebody, and, uh...

George, you wanna have a go?

Not especially.Okay.

Come on, Katherine, you're a shrink, huh?

Just tell her that we don't have a problem.

Well, um...

Come on, George, make her tell us.

She does think we have a problem!

What?! You think that we need help?

Is that what you're saying?

I didn't say that.You didn't say we did.

But you didn't say we didn't, so...

That means we do, doesn't it?!

Just because Katherine said that you don't need help

doesn't mean --I want counseling!

I want everybody to like us!

I don't want to have to pay people

to come to dinner anymore.

It's okay, it's okay, little sweet cheeks.

Just don't cry, huh?

I will get us some counseling, huh?

Hmm.Yeah.

Hey, Katherine, look. Here's bucks.

You can have the rest after you find us some friends.

Uh...no. I-I couldn't be your therapist.

It'd be a shame, you know, if I had to take

the bowling league money and, uh,

give to the Lakeview Community Center.

That sounds like blackmail.

Oh, well, Calvin only makes it sound like blackmail

because it is blackmail.

So, Katherine,

now that you're shoved into a corner, uh,

what do you say, huh?

My office, : A.M. Wednesday morning. Be there.

Oh, Calvin, you're the best![ Laughs ]

You're the best!Hey, go on out,

buy yourself something shiny, huh?

Aah! [ Giggles ]

Ooh... [ Giggles ]

Oh, Katherine!

I love your office!

Though, if you just gave me two days with it,

I could do wonders!

Some clown paintings would cheer those crazy patients right up!

[ Chuckles ] Much as I'd like to discuss

my office decor, I think we should start

with why you wanted to come here.[ Chuckles ]

Boy, don't ask me.

I get along great with people.

You know, just yesterday one of my employees said to me,

"Have a nice day."

Well, who was that, Calvi-kins?

How the heck do I know?

I can't remember every dumb cluck I hire.

Do you know any of your employees by name?

Well, of course! Barbie!

[ Mutters ] Um, I have an idea.

How would you like to play a game?

Ooh!Ah, great, great.

But not that Trivial Pursuit, all right?

I can never get that yellow square.

Oh, and thinking gives me a headache.

This is a game to see how you relate to other people.

Mm.Oh!

Yes?

Okay, now imagine...

that you are at a wonderful, big, formal dinner party.

Black tie?

Yeah. Optional.

And the hostess has just served the main course.

Well, doesn't she have a maid?

All right. A maid has just served the main course.

Ah.There you are

And it's something that you hate.

Okay? Now, oh...

You're going to be Cal and you're gonna be Barbie.

Oh! [ Laughs ]Oh, yeah?

Kind of like when we play doctor.

[ Both Laugh ]

So, you're saying that not everybody

wants advice?

That's right.

So, for example, even if your blouse is out of style,

I shouldn't say anything?

That's right.

Could you go over that part again about how

my taste is not necessarily better than somebody else's?

Boy, I don't understand that at all.

I think we're gonna have to save that till next time

and make it our first topic of conversation.

I want you to be sure and remember

to practice those exercises, you know,

that we talked about at home.

Oh, you bet!

Yeah. We're gonna make friends or k*ll somebody trying.

Oh, rats!It's okay, sweetheart!

Don't worry about it.Ha ha ha! We won!

I just hit a bug on my head is all.

Um, uh...sorry you missed the spare.

Oh...Nice try.

Thanks.Yeah. Nice.

[ Clicks tongue ] Nice, uh...Nice try.

It's unbelievable what you've done with them

in three weeks.[ Laughs ]

It's the most inspiring thing I've seen

since "The Elephant Man."

Oh, no big deal.

It's just an average milestone in psychotherapy.

Well, gee, Barbie,

looks like we didn't win this time.

Oh, that's okay, Cal. The important thing

is not winning or losing,

but being with people you enjoy.

Boy, that's sure right. [ Sighs ]

Well, uh, thanks, folks, for a really swell time.

Oh, a pleasure. Uh, we'll --

We'll have to go clog dancing sometime.

It'll be fun.

Before you go, I just wanted to tell you

that you have both done absolutely wonderfully.

Yeah! Isn't it terrific?

People are really starting to like us.

Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

There's just one little problem.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

We're getting a divorce.

Bye!

[ Foreign accent ] Igor, I think we've created a masterpiece!

[ Speaks indistinctly ]

[ Hissing ]

[ Hisses ]

[ Clattering at door ]

[ Grunts ]

Hi, honey.[ Normal voice ] Hi, guys.

Uh, what are you doing home so early?

What are you doing up so late?

Oh, well, uh, Papa fell asleep on the couch,

and I thought I heard a noise,

so I came down to check for mice.

Burglars. Mice burglars.

Yes, I think I'll go to bed now.

Wait a minute. You forgot something.

Ma'am? George?

Is it really you?

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Say no more.

Katherine, what are you doing?

S--

Sweetheart, the --

the Burkes splitting up is not your fault.

[ Sighs ] I know.

I know you feel a little responsible,

but are you , calories worth responsible?

Do you mind if I play a little amateur psychologist?

Be my guest.

Okay, now the Burkes are the most obnoxious people

you've ever met, right?[ Laughs ]

That is a major understatement.

And they drive everybody crazy, right?

Right, just by showing up.

They were nuts about each other

until they tried to be nice to everyone.

Well, yeah, I see what you're going for.

Wrong for the world, but right for each other.

Exactly. So what's my grade, professor?

Oh, I'd say A-plus.

[ Mutters ]

[ Sighs ] But we still have to try

and get them back together.

Well, we will. We'll try to get them back together again.

Don't worry about that, sweetheart.

Now do you mind if I, uh,

if I put some of this stuff back?

Don't touch that pie.

All right! Yeah! Yeah![ Cheering ]

Good job!Good, Joseph.

Yeah! Yeah! That was, um --

That was wonderful.

Yeah, Joe has really good form, huh?

I mean, even if he is on the other team.

That's very good sportsmanship, Cal.

And good sportsmanship ranks right up there

with cleanliness.

Ah, that's very kind of you to say so,

Dr. Dreidelman.

I believe it's your turn now.

Oh, no, no, no, after you.

Oh, no, no, after you.

No, no, no, no. I insist.

Oh, no, I insist.

Starting to make me ill.

It's disgusting. Well, let's go for it.

Well, Cal, baby, I guess it's my turn here.

Yes, sir.

I'm gonna go -- Whoa, excuse me.

Ah, I'm sorry.

Uh, uh, George, George?Yes, Cal?

Uh...nothing. Uh, look fine.

Why don't you go ahead?

Okeydokey.

[ Crash, clattering ]

Oh, I should have waited till they raised the pinsetter.

Well, that's the way it goes, Cal.

Yeah, we all make mistakes.

Right. Katherine?

Hmm! Oh, goody!

Look what I've got. Ooh! Ooh.

Uh...Katherine?Huh?

Um, that happens to be my prize ball

that I never let anybody else use, and...

Oh, good. [ Laughs ]

It's probably too heavy for you, isn't it?

No, no, no. It's okay. It's okay.

It's...All right.

Okay.

Ooh!

Oh!Whoa!

Whoa!Oh!

Oh, why didn't you tell me

those holes were too big for my fingers?

I can't believe that...

you would...even...

be worried about such a little thing like that.

It's really nothing.

Well, we could try a little Krazy Glue.

Cal!

This is your $ ball!

Okay, I bet you this will be a strike, okay?

[ Ball rolling ]

Yay! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo![ Cheering ]

A strike!

It's on the wrong lane!

Well, doesn't that count?

Well, of course not!

Well, why didn't you tell me that?!

Well -- What I should have said was just

for you to keep your mitts off of my ball!

You! Four eyes! When are you gonna learn,

you gotta start bending at the knees on your approach, huh?

And you!

Stop shorting the ball, huh?

Follow through!

God, you people just wouldn't know good form

if it bit you in the patootie!

That's right!

And-And next time, wear the shirts I designed for you.

Look at you! You all clash!

It's...ugly!

Barbara!Teddy bear!

Oh!

[ Romantic music playing ][ Both giggling ]

Oh!

Let's stay married, huh?

Oh, yes, my love bunny! [ Gasps ]

You know what would make this moment perfect?

If we checked into one of those

romantic motels with the heart-shaped tubs!

[ Both exclaim loudly ]

But wouldn't that be impolite to the others?

Well, who cares about them?

We've got each other!Yeah!

Yeah! Oh!

Come on, let's go!My Calvie!

Come on, come on![ Shouting, laughing ]

[ Sighs ]

It's kind of nice to see two people so happy together.

That's one small step forward for the Burkes,

and one giant leap backwards for psychotherapy.

[ Laughter ]I think it was disgusting,

especially that part about going to the motel

with a heart-shaped tub.

You wanna go?[ High-pitched ] Ooh, Georgie!

[ Theme song playing ]