06x05 - The Election

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

MAN: ♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in ♪

♪ Line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

[ Laughing ]

Sorry, I'm late. What's the big rush?

The big rush is the class elections.

You mean you almost gave me a heart att*ck

for something that's weeks away?

Frieda knows something, and it's B-I-G.

What gives?

Well, let's just say, as a second-year hall monitor,

I'm sometimes privy to certain information.

Aw, neat. You mean you were snooping around again.

Don't even insinuate I'd tarnish the honor of my badge.

I accidentally got a peek at tomorrow's school paper.

The big issue in the class election's gonna be

using the class treasury for a big party

instead of another computer.

Hey...a party. Not a bad idea.

Webster Long, you disappoint me.

A party is one big waste.

Some loud music, gaudy decorations...

a few flies land in the punch bowl, and it's over.

But a computer is forever.

Well, I love a good party, and I stay away from the punch.

But maybe you're right. We need that computer.

Of course I'm right.

That line for the computer has gotten ridiculous.

True.

Then we gotta figure out a way to -- to stop that party.

[ Hand thuds ]We sure do.

It's a totally dumb idea. Unbelievably stupid!

They mention what they'd be serving?

Web, stopping the party could be rough.

Bobby Golardi's running in favor of it.

We just have to find the right person to stop him.

Someone strong, bright, charming, intellectual,

perhaps a woman.

Like you?

I accept.

Yeah!And --

With my dynamic personality,

I'd be an outstanding candidate, right?

Yeah, you'd stand out, all right.

Hey, Frieda, Wendell and I could be your campaign managers.

Yeah! We'll k*ll Bobby.

Now, Webster, with you as my campaign manager...

I think that working together --

Wait, wait, why me?

I worked for George when he ran for office,

and he's still a sportscaster.

I remember that.

It was one of your greatest personal failures.

Thank you for pointing that out.

But one great failure still puts you

steps ahead of these .

Yeah!Yeah!

How 'bout if I just think of you every time

I wear the school colors?

Oh.

Real nice, Webster.

Backing out, huh?

And you...

of all people know how badly we need that computer.

Okay, okay, I'll do it. Gotta save the computer.

Boy, I must have a real soft spot for floppy disks.

[ Shouting indistinctly ]

All right!

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Well, looks like things are picking up a little, huh?

Well, I suggest, since Bobby's not here yet,

we hurry up and take advantage of this c*ptive audience.

Besides, Herbert's eating up all the dip.

[ Chip crunches ]

All right.

Hi.

It's my pleasure to introduce our next class president.

[ Applause ]

She's a member of a service club,

the A/V club,

Future Igneous Rock Collectors of America,

and just recently earned her officer's wings

with the Young Moth Collectors of Illinois.

Fellow classmates, please welcome...

Frieda Gafky.

[ Applause ]

Thank you.

Now, could we get down to business

and, Herbert, please chew with your mouth closed.

You're grossing me out.

[ Laughs ]

My fellow scholars, distinguished classmates,

and, uh, Wendell.

What is school?

Is it merely a brick building filled with lockers,

blackboards, and desks with gum stuck under them?

Or is it a temple of learning, a palace of knowledge?

The decision is yours.

[ Patriotic music playing ]

♪♪♪

Is it not more important to focus our energies

on the sacred process of learning?

As opposed to dissipating them

on frivolous and fleeting pleasures.

So...when we try to examine --

That does it! I'm through!

Wow, what a speech.

I even got a lump in my throat.

Yeah, me, too.

I better have some punch to wash these chips down.

Frieda! Wait!

For what? This whole thing's a waste of time.

Those dimbos even used my flyers for paper airplanes.

You?

Quitting?

Come on! Where's the old Frieda I know?

She's right here putting on her sweater

so she can get home and see Oprah.

She's interviewing people

who have had outer body experiences from the waist down.

It's a rerun.

Look, for the school, for the computer.

Please don't go. I wanna talk to you.

All right, but make it quick.

Okay, it's about your image.

Try to think of yourself as this great-tasting candy bar

that no one will try.

I don't have fantasies.

Look, you give this candy bar a new wrapper,

and suddenly, everyone loves it!

Even though, inside, it's the same old nougat.

Are you on some kind of medication?

What I'm trying to say is, you need a new wrapper.

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Any more stupid than not getting elected

when you're the candidate with the best ideas?

Frieda, I can't help you if you won't let me.

Remember, you made me your campaign manager.

Not your campaign wimp.

All right, I'll do whatever it takes, I promise.

But remember, we're only changing my wrapper.

So keep your paws off my nougat.

Help.

Frieda...

Quit the small talk.

Let's get this stupid thing over with. What's first?

Good day to you, too. [ Chuckles ]

All right, let's start at the beginning.

What's the first thing you notice

when a person walks into a room?

Probably the number of functions on their calculator.

I mean, what attracts you to them?

I would say strong gums.

Well, getting close, um...

Ma'am told me that people usually notice your smile first.

[ Clenching teeth ] I have a great smile. See?

Sure, right.

Okay, uh, let's start with your walk.

My smile, my walk, I guess anything's fair game with you.

But it's just that your walk says,

"Get out of my way before you end up kissing a locker door."

Well, excuse me for wanting to get to class early

to check the fish t*nk for ick.

Fish don't vote. People do.

Frieda, to get you elected, we gotta make you into a --

a normal sixth grader.

It might be easier to get Ma'am and George

to raise my allowance.

[ Knock on door ]

Hi, Webster. Sorry I'm late.

My outfit clashed with my hair,

but everything's okay now.

I dyed my hair a different color.

Oh. Great!

Well, uh, Frieda, this is my friend's sister, Kiki.

Kiki, this is Frieda.

You know her?

I thought maybe she was one of those O-gram people

that sing "Happy Anniversary" and take their clothes off.

Even better.

She's here to put some clothes on someone, right?

Who?You.

Yeah, I'm into beauty and cosmetology.

You know, making people look good, and I think

we're supposed to learn about the planets, too.

Webster, let's talk now.

Excuse me, Kiki.

Frieda, the computer?

She just wants to help us change your wrapper

so that you can win the election.

All right, all right.

Tell that Cyndi Lauper reject she better be careful.

Kiki, Frieda was just telling me how anxious she is

to get started on this makeover.

Great!

You definitely need a beautician.

And maybe a magician, too.

The wrapper. Think of the wrapper.

Quick! Everyone! You gotta see this.

Guys, you won't even believe this.

What? What's happening?

Let me bring out our next class president...

Frieda Gafky.

ALL: Whoa!

Wow, I can't believe what I'm seeing.

I can't either.

Me neither.

There's another Frieda running with the same last name.

What? What's the matter?

I mean, hi.

I have a few things I'd like to share with you guys.

That is, of course, only if you'd like me to.

Yeah.Sure.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Hey, Frieda!

Oh, hi, Webster.

According to my poll, we're passing Bobby.

Everyone loves us,

including the janitors.

They say we use the strongest tape.

And our posters never fall.

Unbelievable, huh?

Frieda?

Oh, yeah, um, unbelievable.

So, anyway, then Freddie asked me to the dance --

Try to control yourself. You might burst with excitement.

Guys, excuse me.

I'm sorry, this is exciting news,

but everything's been exciting.

Three slumber parties in one week?

Webster, you not only changed my wrapper,

you changed my life.

And I'm happy for you.

But tomorrow's the debate

and we've barely talked all week.

Okay, I'm all yours.

Pinch me every time I start to feel popular.

Deal.Here, Web.

Oh, I'll see you guys --See you later.

I'll see you guys in class.

Okay.

All right, now, let's go over our last pitch for the computer.

Uh...

Web, listen, about the computer...

Yeah?

Everyone really wants a party.

Why can't we just use the old computer twice as fast?

Or why can't we --

Did Kiki pull your hair too tight?

No, it just seems to me we can get by with one computer.

Listen to you.

I don't believe what I'm hearing.

You don't understand.

Yes, I do.

All you care about is winning a popularity contest.

I'm sorry, Webster. This is how I feel.

Oh, yeah? This is how I feel.

You get yourself a new campaign manager.

[ Button clatters ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ g*nshots on TV ]

[ Orchestral theme song playing ]

Oh, champ.

I bet it's tough having to choose from just channels.

Hi, George.

[ TV turns off ]

What's the matter? You still upset about Frieda?

I don't get it.

I made Frieda popular.

I de-nerded her, and she turned on me.

Yeah, well, if it'd make you feel any better, you know,

Dr. Frankenstein's monster turned on him, too.

[ Chuckles ]

You know, George, Frieda has no sense of humor.

She has a bad temper and she's too serious.

There's million things wrong with her.

Yeah, and you don't wanna lose her as a friend either, do you?

Right!Yeah.

Isn't that weird?No, that's friendship.

You overlook a lot of things when it comes to friendship.

And you know what? I have a feeling that...

in a matter of time you two will be good friends again.

I hope so.

But in a little time,

we can kiss our computer good-bye.

Now let's talk about that. How 'bout a --

How 'bout another candidate?

But there isn't anyone.

Oh, there may be one, you know,

there could be one right -- right under your nose.

Maybe...even behind your nose.

Hey, wait, behind this nose?

Yeah, unless there's another nose I don't know about.

Not on me.[ Laughs ]

Well, figure it out. Look at you.

You're sharp, you're smart, you're clever.

You're exactly like me.

Besides, you don't need de-nerding, right?

Yeah.

and I'll never have to worry about me turning on myself.

I'm gonna do it.

Good.

George, you know, you're the best friend

anyone could ever have.

Oh, thanks, champ.

I want you to remember that now 'cause when I get old,

I want you to support your dear old daddy.

[ Laughs ]

Vote for Frieda!

Vote for Bobby!

Vote for Frieda!

All right, quiet, please, thank you.

And now with great pleasure, let me introduce the candidates

in today's debate.

First, Frieda Gafky.

[ Cheering ]

All right, all right.

Bobby Golardi.

[ Cheering ]

And now we have a surprise for everyone.

An th hour candidate, Webster Long.

[ Students murmur ]

You got it. It's me.

Why don't we hear from Webster first?

Webster?

No hard feelings?

Thanks.

Thinking of a speech is pretty tough.

I must've used up five Michael Jackson pads

before I realized, nothing could top

what a close friend of mine wrote -- "What is school?

"Is it merely a brick building filled with lockers,

"blackboards and desks with gum stuck under them?

Or is it a temple of learning? A palace of knowledge?"

Well, the decision is up to you.

But long after the party is over

and the last sour cream and onion chip has been eaten,

a computer will still be around for us...

and kids to come. Thanks.

[ Applause ]

Wow. What a speech. I almost started to cry.

Yeah, especially when he got to the part

about the last sour cream and onion chip.

We'll take a short break before the next speech.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Pretty dumb speech.

I mean, on the dorky scale of to ?

That one definitely gets dorks.

Really?

Really the worst. Totally lame.

Well, I didn't think...

I mean, maybe some people didn't think it was that bad.

Well, maybe some people just aren't as cool

as we thought they were.

Well, maybe some people just don't care about being cool.

And maybe some people just don't have a choice.

That did it! I loved the speech.

I also wrote it. So watch what you're saying.

All you care about is what's in and what's out.

Well, I'm sick of it.

My hair isn't the real me, and this isn't either.

But this is.

Unless you have a problem with that.

No problem. I can live with that.

Wow, excellent speech, Frieda.

Yeah, I especially liked the way

you used your glasses for emphasis. Nice touch.

Thanks... [ Speaks indistinctly ]

Web, I'm sorry.

I sure haven't been much of a friend lately.

I've been acting pretty stupid.

Oh, come on. You weren't that bad.

No, I really was.

Ah, you weren't.

I said I was, okay?!

Welcome back, Frieda.

You know what?

You were really something up there.

You've got it all! The wrapper, everything.

And now one more thing. A new campaign manager. Me.

All right, you got yourself a deal.

But promise me one thing,

you'll keep your paws off my nougat.

Vote for Webster! vote for Webster!

Vote for Webster! Vote for Webster!

[ Theme song playing ]