06x01 - The Wild, Wild Webster

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

MAN: ♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

BOTH: ♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and then came you ♪

Pretty fresh moves, Web.

You're one cool crossing guard.

Not bad for my first day, huh? Watch this.

No gawkin', no talkin', just keep on walkin'.

Uh, Garth? Could you please wait on the curb

until I say you can go?

Hey, dweeb, I don't need you to say when I can go.

Do I?CHILDREN: No, no, no.

No, you don't.No, you don't.

Look, I'm in charge here,

and I say no walkin', no talkin',

no...hurting the crossing guard.

You know, there have been a lot of creeps like you

on this corner trying to tell me what to do.

But you know what? They don't last very long, do they?

CHILDREN: No, no, no, no.

For a dweeb, you don't have a bad face.

You want it tomorrow?Well, yeah.

Well, you better find yourself a new corner...

or else. Right?

CHILDREN: Right, right. Right, yeah.

Yes, sir, that's...

Why, I hope George and Katherine stay out late tonight.

Ahh! I rented three movies.

"Rio Bravo," "Rio Lobo," and "Blame It on Rio."

That's for me after you go to sleep.

Uh, you can play it now, Papa.

I don't feel like watching anything.

Oh? Well, I know what it is about you young people today.

You think that, uh, "Star Wars" are better than Westerns.

Well, let me tell you something.

John Wayne cleaned up the whole West,

and he did it without the Force.

But "Star Wars" had a lot of special effects!

Special effects?

Who needs special effects when you got

saloon girls, gunfights,

horses?[ Remote control clicks, TV playing ]

Come watch. You'll forget all about Hans Christian Solo,

whatever his name was, huh?

[ Western theme playing ]

[ Whinnies ]

[ Loud smack ]

All right, anybody got any money left?

Time to break it up.[ Indistinct conversations ]

New sheriff will be due in here any minute.

But first...

I'd like to say a few words.

As the mayor of this medium-sized,

none-too-prosperous dust bowl...

All right, here. I'll just deal a -card and get this game...

Listen up, you spineless, sidewinding,

sodbusting, scallywagging scoundrels!

I love good alliteration.

Well, it troubles me deeply that we have once again

been forced to hire a new sheriff

from outside of our medium-sized,

but none-too-prosperous dust bowl.

There must be a man among us with the courage

to take the responsibility to protect his own town.

If such a man exists, let him take a step forward.

[ Chairs scrape floor ]

You spineless, sindwinding, sodbusting,

scallywagging scoundrels!

Wish I was a man.

MEN: We're glad you're not.

I knew that.

You can hardly blame the men, Mayor.

The last sheriffs came into town on the : stage

and departed on the : hearse.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter stops ]

This one's different. This one's had schoolin'.

This one has been to Sheriff's Academy , , and .

Well, that school learnin' will come in right handy

when he comes up against Dirty Ned Loomis.

He'll be able to read his own tombstone.

[ Laughter, laughter stops ]

[ Western theme playing ]

Sounds like "sheriff arriving in town" music.

[ Footsteps approaching ]

[ Doors creak ]

Howdy!

Long's the name, Taming the West is my game.

Well, howdy, Sheriff. Sure is good to have you here.

I'm Mayor Starbuckle.

This is Mississippi Jerry Goldblatt.

Shalom.

MEN: And we're the townsfolk.

I'm Lola. If there's anything you need,

just come to me.

Whatever the sheriff wants, Lola's got.

If I was older, I know that would mean something.

[ Slurring ] Oh...then...

why don't you buy him a whole keg?

And I'll -- I'll drink what you don't.

Don't mind him. That's just the sarsparilla talking.

The man ain't come up

from the bottom of a bottle in years.

I have too. Whole bunch of 'em.

I feel pretty good now. [ Burps ]

[ Thud ]

Well, aside from the town scuzz --

No offense, sir.

None taken.

My research shows...

[ Papers rustling ]

That this town's got no rustling,

no range wars, no holdups.

All in all, a pretty peaceful place.

Yeah, peaceful.

MEN: Very peaceful.

[ Loud thudding footsteps ]

MAN: Fee, fi, fo, fillif.

I smell the blood of a soon-dead sheriff.

[ Kisses ]

[ Blusters ]I love you.

You take good care of Roger here.

[ Slurps ]

Nice talking to you.

Ahh. [ Growls ]

[ Continues growling ]

Hyah! [ Burps ]

[ Growls ]

[ Gulping ]

Yah!

[ Lowered voice ] Oh, say, Sheriff...

I guess I neglected to mention.

[ Chair scrapes floor ]

But that Dirty Ned has a small problem with sheriffs.

Very small.Shh!

[ Whispers ] He's k*lled to date.

My whistle ain't even wet yet.

[ Thud ]

[ Sloshing ]

[ Howls ]

[ Blusters ]

Get out here!

DIRTY NED: Ahh.

I hope the new sheriff's good.

I sure enjoyed the old one,

especially the way he'd scream like a woman

when I dragged him behind my horse.

Well...where is the new varmint?

Right here, Dirty Ned.

Or can I just call you "Dirty"?

Well...here you go.

I'm afraid your horse was incorrectly parked,

and I had him towed.

Roger!

Well, all right, then.

You can't give me no ticket for that. [ Crunches ]

[ Spits ]Oh.

[ Grunts ]

Look, Ned, you see, I'm the sheriff here.

And I reckon to bring law and order to Dead Duck.

Being that you're lawless and orderless,

you're my first project,

and I'd like your help.

[ Scoffs ] Ned Loomis don't help nobody.

[ Glass shatters ]

Definitely an attitude problem.

You know, I bet that's why you don't have many friends.

No, this is why I don't have many friends.

[ g*nshots ]

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

You just violated Section b --

damaging cowpokes' hats in a bar.

Stop it!

You listen here, Sheriff. You're getting on my nerves.

So either you hightail it out of town,

or at noon tomorrow, you meet me outside, alone.

And you won't need that ticket book.

Just an undertaker.

[ g*n cocks ]

[ g*nshots, b*llet ricochets ]

Roger!

Roger!

[ Roger whinnies ]

Whoa, Roger.

MAN: Hey, Sheriff. Got a minute?

Howdy.

I don't believe we've ever been properly introduced.

My name's...uh...

Jim.

[ Chuckles ] Appears to me you --

you could use a good, loyal friend,

and I think I'm your man.

Well, maybe I could use a sidekick.

All of the best sheriffs have sidekicks.

A sidekick, huh?

Whoa.

Well, now that does open up a whole bunch

of different career opportunities here. [ Chuckles ]

Now I tell you, you won't be sorry either, Sheriff.

Maybe this'll put you at ease.

I am the best, so don't you fret none about me.

You just meet me in front of the jail tomorrow morning,

and I'll teach you everything I know.

[ g*nsh*t ]Aah!

It's okay. It's just a flesh wound.

[ Whistles ]

[ Rooster crows ]

JIM: Sheriff?

Is that you, Jim?

Yep.

Well...it's the new me.

Well, actually, it's the old me,

but I haven't been the old me in so long that it's new.

Well, I'm, you know, clean. I'm sober.

Phew. I forgot how lousy it is.

You really think you can teach me

to outshoot Dirty Ned?

Sure. I'll...

Well, looky. You see that black dot

on that butterfly sitting on the horse

way over there?

Yeah.[ g*n cocks ]

I'm gonna sh**t the horse.

Wait.

Can't we start with something like a can?

A can? Boy, they run awful small, don't they?

How about an oil drum?

All right, all right.

Right there.

[ g*n cocks, g*nsh*t ]

[ Rattles ]Hey! I did it!

You see that?! I...

I still got it! [ Laughs ]

Well, that's like blowing your nose.

Once you learn how, why, you can always do it.

[ g*n cocks ]

[ b*llet ricochets, can rattles ]

[ g*nshots, b*ll*ts ricocheting ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Blows air ]Wow.

Pretty fancy sh**t', partner.

Mm?

You think you can teach me how to sh**t like that in...

less than four hours?

Well, maybe.

Let's see what you got.

You see that tree right in front of the building?

Uh-huh.

[ g*nsh*t ]

[ Laughs ]

See, I may miss the tree,

but I crushed it with the building. [ Laughs ]

Is there any way we can put this sh**t back any?

Well, I might be able to get an hour.

An hour? I was thinking months.

[ Hooves clopping ]

Howdy, Sheriff!

See you soon! [ Laughs ]

JIM: Sheriff!

Over here!

I'm ready, Sheriff.

[ Mutters ]

[ Exhales deeply ]

[ Bells tolling ]

[ Clock cuckoos ]

MAYOR STARBUCKLE: The way this town has been acting,

you don't deserve Sheriff Long.

I ask you, isn't it time y'all made a stand?

[ All shout indistinctly at once ]

Today I am ashamed to call myself a Dead Duckian.

Ned Loomis is the sheriff's problem now,

but it won't be long

till he's the whole town's problem again.

I'd say about two minutes.

Now...

Are we just gonna let this go on,

or are we gonna stop it before it's too late?

All I'm asking is for you to bite the b*llet,

put steel in your spine and...

toughen your gut.

Now I know you won't let me down.

Won't let the town down.

[ Voice breaking ] And most of all,

won't let yourselves down.

MAN: My bet's on Ned against the sheriff!

[ All shouting at once ]

[ Bird cries ]

[ Horse galloping ]

[ Doors creak ]

[ Door slams ]

Well, Sheriff,

it's noon.

Looks like I'm gonna have to put some holes

in that fancy outfit of yours.

You can k*ll me, you can k*ll the next sheriffs,

but you can't k*ll an idea,

and the idea is law and order.

What a lovely speech.

Malarkey.

Just the other day, I sh*t an idea and two notions.

You're next.

Maybe not.

Maybe not? Ha!

You don't stand a varmint's chance in Vermont.

Why, even the famous Jim turned yellow on you.

Not yellow. Ruddy, maybe.

Ruddy and -- and ready.

Ha! A punk and a drunk.

You're sunk.

What about a punk, a drunk, and a hunk?

Dream on.

What about a punk, a drunk, a hunk...

and a skunk?

Or a punk, a drunk, a hunk, a skunk, and a monk?

What is this, the Dr. Seuss g*ng?

No, Ned, it's the voice of the people.

[ Humming "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" ]The voice of America.

The voice of justice.

And what they're saying to you, Ned, is...

[ All blow raspberry ]

[ Chuckles ] Well, will you look at the time?

Uh, I gotta get over to Gower Gulch by :.

Uh, I'm supposed to rough up a widow woman.

Have a nice day.

Roger!

[ Roger whinnies ]

Thanks to you, Sheriff,

we got back our town and our self-respect.

Aw, shucks. I was just doing my job, that's all.

[ All chuckle ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Cheering ]

Webster! Hey, Webster!

Here comes Garth! You better b*at it!

I thought I told this dweeb not to be here today!

Didn't I?!CHILDREN: Yeah! Yes!

Get ready to kiss your face goodbye!

I'm not running, Garth.

[ Children speak at once ]

What's wrong with you, Webster?

Nothing. What happens tomorrow when I'm not here?

It's gonna be one of you.

We'll take our chances.

All right. But someday you'll realize

we've gotta stand up to creeps like Garth.

Okay, slimeball, I guess it's just you and me.

Wait a second, Garth.

If you're gonna fight Webster,

you're gonna have to fight me, too.

No problem.

You're gonna have to fight the three of us.

And me.

And me, too.And him.

In that order.

Uh, hey, guys, look at the time.

Um...I gotta go down to State Street and, um...

and rough up the newsboy.

See you later.

Hey! Wait for the light to change.

[ Horns honks in distance ]

[ Cheering ]

Webster! I knew you could do it!

You're a real hero.

Aw, shucks. I was just doing my job, that's all.

[ Theme song playing ]