06x10 - Heaven

[bunniefuu]

♪ Set in my ways, losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

♪ Ooh, it was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh, it was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in like sinker and hook ♪

♪ I never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and then came you ♪

[upbeat music]

- Ladies and gentlemen.

- Web, quiet down. I'm the only one here.

- Welcome to the World Championship of Turtle Racing.

The first reptile that reaches the edge of the table

and doesn't jump wins.

- I'm telling you, Web,

my turtle's gonna b*at the shell off yours.

- Fat chance.

And now, the winner of nine consecutive Turtle Derbies,

the undefeated champ of hard backs, Speedy.

- Okay, okay, put your turtle where your mouth is.

- Set.

Go. - Flatten him, Mad Max.

- [Webster] Get up, boy. - Come on, go.

Come on, Mad Max, come on.

Go. Go, Mad Max.

All right.

The winner and new champion, Mad Max.

All right. Mad Max.

- You know, I think Speedy's sick.

[Danny knocking]

- I think Speedy's dead.

- What? Are you sure?

- Yep, they don't rattle like that when they're alive.

Trust me.

Might as well flush him down the toilet.

- Oh no, I can't flush Speedy.

How would he get to Heaven?

- Heaven?

Forget it. My dad says animals don't go to Heaven.

- Not even Benji?.

- Not even Old Yeller.

[light music]

- Hey, my little baklava, you're supposed to be asleep.

You know that George and Katherina

will be home very soon from the movies.

- I was thinking about Speedy.

- Oh.

- Danny's father says animals don't go to Heaven.

Is that true?

- I don't know.

I tell you what,

why don't you include Speedy in your prayers tonight, huh?

- Okay, thank you, Papa.

- Okay, I love you, my little baklava.

- I love you too, Papa.

- Good night. Sleep tight. - Okay.

[light music]

Dear God, it's me, Webster.

It's about Speedy.

I know he's just a turtle

but could You please let him into Heaven?

He never snapped and he always left his bowl real clean.

Thanks.

Oh, and if You do, try to remember

he likes butter lettuce, not romaine.

Amen.

[light music]

[light ethereal music]

Wow, Speedy.

I have a feeling we're not in Chicago anymore.

[Webster knocking]

- Who is it now?

What do you want?

- It's me, Webster Long.

Is God home? I'd like to talk to him.

- Doesn't everyone?

- Ouch.

- You're not even dead, are you?

- No, sir. I'm just visiting.

I wanna get my turtle, Speedy, into Heaven.

- I, I'd like to help you, son.

But up here, we got a strict no animals policy.

With all these low clouds,

I mean, you'd never know where you're stepping.

I'm not the big cheese anyway.

If it was up to me, the, the turtle would be in.

- It's okay. I understand.

- No, no really. We got a tremendous backlog.

There's a group from Limbo that's been waiting forever.

- I understand. Honest.

Well, I'm sorry, Speedy.

I guess I'll have to bury you

where the dogs can't dig you up.

- All right, all right, you win.

I'll see what I can do.

Come on over here.

Take a number. - Thanks.

- Not that one, that's for the deli.

Wait.

That's the way you go into Heaven?

We got a dress code here.

Now just remember to leave this

at the wing check on the way out.

And no photos, please.

Let's go.

Oh.

[dramatic music] - Webster Long,

what a nice kid.

Just the kind I like to corrupt.

Ooh, ooh, this is going to be fun. [laughs]

[dramatic music]

[light ethereal music]

- So Einstein, what's the verdict?

Do we need to change our ad?

- I don't think so, Cleopatra. Figures don't lie.

Our angel hair pasta special is the best deal in town.

[light ethereal music]

- Say there, whipper snapper.

You're awfully young to be up in these parts.

- I know.

I hope my folks don't find out that I'm here.

I'm not even supposed to go to the mall by myself.

- Name is Crockett, Davy Crockett.

Why don't I get you something to drink?

Cleo.

- What would you like, sweetheart?

- Oh, thank you.

I think I'll try the ambrosia float.

- Word is that you're waiting to see the Big Fella.

It's a good thing you got all eternity.

- Oh, but I don't, I have a test on long division tomorrow.

- Well, I bet Mr. Einstein could help you with that. Al?

- Sure, I could even help you prove

that the universe is curved.

That should get you some extra credit.

- What exactly do you wanna see God about?

- I'm trying to get my turtle into Heaven.

- Lots of luck.

I've been trying to get my asps in for millennia.

- Just do what we did when we got tired

of that mandatory choir practice.

- Right. You can get up a petition.

That's the quickest way to see God.

- Yeah. We petitioned at our school cafeteria.

See, we want them to serve fish sticks without scales.

- All you need is signatures.

- ? But I don't know anyone here.

- Oh, we know a lot of good souls here. Come on, Crockett.

- Yeah, I'm gonna go see where

that yellow-bellied Daniel Boone is hiding hisself.

- We can take my barge.

- Oh, thank you, Cleo.

Bye-bye, young man.

- Thanks.

Wow, them people are so great.

Gee, I wonder why history is so boring.

- May I freshen that for you?

[drink bubbling]

- Wow. Where did you come from?

- Well, let's just say south of here.

Anyway, you were in trouble.

And where there's trouble, you'll find me.

- Well, I did have a little problem,

but everything's cool now.

I'm gonna go see God

as soon as I get my petition signed.

- Great.

But you know, that's an awful lot of work.

Lucky for you, I just happen to have

all the signatures that you'll need right here.

- Lizzie Borden, Legs Diamond, Jack the Ripper.

Who's the X?

- Attila the Hun. Not very literate.

But you know, a person's signature

can tell a great deal about them.

Why don't you sign right here

and I will give you a free analysis?

- Say, you have a red tail. [devil laughing]

With a point at the end.

It's not Halloween. - No.

- Uh-oh. - You've unmasked me. [laughs]

My name is Lucifer.

Lou to my friends.

- You're not my friend.

You were that little voice

that told me to have a squirt g*n fight

with Ma'am's waterpik.

- You heard me?

- I was grounded for a week.

- Thank you.

It's so nice to have some positive feedback.

- Get lost, pal. I'm outta here.

[light music]

- Damn. What a nice kid.

What is this world coming to?

[light ethereal music]

- Pardon me, I have this petition and I just need

- [Girl] Like I'm on the phone, okay?

- Sorry.

♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

[toilet flushing]

- Sir?

- Get away from me, kid. You bother me.

- I just need you to sign my petition.

I'm asking God to let my turtle into Heaven.

- I see.

And you'd be pretty sad

if your turtle didn't get in, wouldn't you?

- Yes, sir.

- An unhappy child and a dead animal.

You've made my day.

[dramatic music]

- So you're still one signature short.

- Don't worry, I'll get it.

- Yes, but will you get it in the next minutes?

You know it's nearly the end of the sixth day

and God doesn't work on the seventh.

- Oh man, I hadn't thought of that.

- Look, you're going about this all wrong.

Why should Speedy spend eternity in Heaven

when he can be in beautiful Turtle Estates?

Each spacious aquarium has its own picturesque island

and palm tree and all this if you sign here.

- What's this about selling my soul?

- Oh, nothing, nothing.

And we'll throw in a free calculator.

- I can't give up my soul.

I need it for dancing.

Besides, I don't trust you.

- Don't trust me?

Try and be a good time guy

and you get blamed for everything.

Well, wait, let me give you a token of my sincerity.

[dramatic music]

- Wow, a Ferrari.

Man, this would definitely make me

the coolest kid in the sixth grade.

- Just sign here and you can drive this baby

right over to God's office.

Do it now and I'll throw in an extended warranty.

- Wow. Turtle Estates does look pretty nice.

- Godfrey Daniel, out to nab the nipper's soul, are you?

Let me have a little look-see at that petition, kid.

If there's one thing I hate worse than kids,

it's someone slipperier than I am.

Don't let this get around, whipper snapper.

I have a certain reputation to uphold.

- Thanks a lot.

- Get away, kid. You still bother me.

- Don't you want the Ferrari?

- Not for what you're charging.

Mister, you are definitely bad news.

[dramatic music]

- That's it.

From now on, I'm sticking to politicians.

[light ethereal music]

- Okay, Gladys, we can talk.

Wait till you hear this one.

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi die and go to Heaven.

Oops, gotta go.

Heavenly Host, please hold.

- We're here to see the boss, Isadora.

Can you squeeze us in?

- There's always time for you, Peety.

He's just finishing up with Galileo.

- Don't tell me he's arguing with God

about the order of the universe again.

- I don't think this magazine should be here.

Hi, are you here to see God too?

- Yes, but I'm afraid I don't have an appointment.

- Oh, well, maybe you could ask St. Peter for help.

He pulled a few wings for me.

- Well, I, I hate to be a bother.

It, it's just that my daughter had a baby girl the other day

and I was so looking forward to seeing my first grandchild.

But the day before the baby was born, I, I d*ed.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- And I had just finished knitting these little booties.

I, I was hoping that God would,

would let me go back just for that extra day

so that I could give them to her.

I, I suppose that's a silly request.

I mean, what with all the other things

He has to worry about.

- He creates one universe, He thinks He knows everything.

- Well, Webster, this is the moment you've been waiting for.

Here's Speedy's big chance.

[light ethereal music]

Well, come on, kid. Move it.

Forget about that Heaven can wait business.

- Here, take this. It'll get you in.

- Oh, I couldn't.

- It's okay.

You've gotta see that baby before her feet get too big.

- Thank you, son.

You're a perfect angel.

- Oh, that was so beautiful.

- Kid, you're really something.

You could get a sh*t at my job someday.

- Thanks for your help, Mr. St. Peter.

I know Speedy will understand.

[light somber music]

- Oh wait, son.

Thank Heaven I caught you.

I thought you'd like to know

that Mrs. Beebe got her wish.

- Oh, that's nice.

She reminded me of a babysitter

who used to let me jump on the bed.

- That's not all.

God was so impressed with what you did,

He wants to see you right away.

- He does?

But I thought He stopped working at the end of the day.

- You know that old saying, "Time waits for no man"?

Well, it does for God. [laughs]

Come on. - All right.

- Well, Speedy, you're headed for

that big pet shop in the sky.

[light ethereal music]

- Speedy's gone.

Then it really did happen.

[doorbell rings]

- Delivery. Peter's Pet Store.

- But, but, but.

- Get a grip, kid. It's only a turtle.

- Thanks.

But you didn't have to get me a new one.

- Hey, it wasn't me. It's from your grandfather.

- Are you sure?

Because you look just like someone else.

- Yeah, people always tell me that.

Well, I gotta go.

I'm a busy man and I gotta stop by Seventh Heaven.

- Seventh Heaven?

- No, I said -Eleven.

You can't get slurpees like that where I come from.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music continues]