06x09 - Take My Cousin, Please

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

MAN: ♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in ♪

♪ Line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

Hey, I'm sorry I couldn't help you

sell more raffle tickets, baklava.

Oh, it's okay, Papa.

I guess your friends at the restaurant

weren't too excited about the grand prize.

Yeah, not too many old Greeks appreciate the value

of a g-narly go cart.

That's "gnarly."Gnarly.

And I appreciate that cart.

You know, I haven't sold three tickets myself.

Man, if I win...

Webster "Camshaft" Long

comes into the oval of the Indy .

[ Imitates engine sounds ]

Webster passes Andretti.

[ Imitates engine sounds ]

He edges out Unser.[ Telephone ringing ]

Look out!

Paul Newman is spilling salad dressing on the track!

Oh, no! Long goes into a spin! He goes over the wall!

[ Screams ][ Laughs ]

Hey, pull in for a pit stop, will you? I can't hear anything.

Yes, go ahead, please. Uh-huh. It's a telegram!

Yes, okay. Oh -- you're kidding.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

[ Chuckles ]

I love getting telegrams on the phone.

You don't have to tip anybody.

Did we win anything from Ed McMahon?

Better than that.

You are going to get a surprise visit from your Aunt Charlotte.

Aunt Charlotte? All right!

You know she's the Spuds MacKenzie of the jet set.

She's a party animal, all right.

You know, last time she was here,

she taught me an Eskimo wedding dance.

My nose is still sore.

[ Doorbell rings ]

She's here already?It's her! It's her!

Hi, Aunt Charlotte!

Oh, my angel eyes.

[ Kisses ]

BOTH: Remember "A," remember "B,"

but "C," that you remember me!

All right!

Oh, look at you.

And look at you.

BOTH: Look at us! [ Laughs ]

Oh, Charlotte,

you are still as beautiful as ever.

Oh, and you, you old charmer.

You can still make me believe it.

Now where are Katherine and George?

I have a big surprise for everybody.

Well, we have a surprise for you.

They're not here.

[ Laughs ]

Katrina wanted romance. George wanted trout.

So they went to the mountains together for a week.

Oh, well, we'll just have to divide up the fun four ways.

Four?

Oh, Papa, Webster,

I want you to meet the new man of my life,

Bobby Griffort.

And as I bossa nova'ed through the streets of Rio,

it suddenly just came over me.

I turned to Liza and Bette and Fergie,

and I said flat out, "Girls, I am bored."

I still can't believe you were bored doing that.

But I was.

I realized there was something missing in my life.

Right, kiddo?Right.

As soon as I got back to New York,

I volunteered at a foster boarding home.

That's where she met me.

She said I was the best thing to happen to her

since carry out sushi.

[ Scoffs ] Did I actually say that?

Twice.[ Chuckles ]

Say, you wanna come and see my autographed poster

of Patrick Ewing?

Uh, you bet!

Oh, may I, Charlotte?

But of course, sweetheart.

He really seems to be such a nice boy, Charlotte.

It's nice also that you can spend so much time with him.

Oh, I had to pull a few strings to do that.

But I've still got some influence

with the Welfare Board.

Sure, you marry three judges, they never forget you.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, it's wonderful, what you're doing for him.

Oh.

[ Inhales sharply ] It's such a different feeling.

All my life, everything I've done

has always been for my own enjoyment.

Oh, handball against the Great Wall of China,

dropping water balloons from the Eiffel Tower,

scaling Teddy Roosevelt's nose at Mount Rushmore.

Enough, enough, Charlotte.

I'm getting tired just listening!

Well, when I get back to New York,

I'm gonna do something that will make two people happy.

I'm going to adopt Bobby.

[ Kisses ]

Wow. Nice room.

Yeah, it's neat today, but when it's messy,

Ma'am says it looks like London after the blitz.

What's a blitz?

Well, it's some kind of cheese thing that George eats

with sour cream.

Nice cassette player, stereo dual tape.

About $?

I don't know.

Charlotte got me one with auto reverse

for $.

Oh, uh, that's swell.

Radical skateboard, Web.

$.?

I don't know. It was a present.

Charlotte got me one. bucks not including tax.

Yeah, that tax'll k*ll you.

Wayne Gretzy model.

$.

You know, you'd be real good at guessing prices on

"The Price is Right."What do you mean?

When people give you gifts and Christmas presents,

the important thing is not how much they cost.

It is to me.

Hey, I really lucked out with Charlotte.

Sure, she's got a heart of gold.

But it doesn't hurt that she's loaded.

And that's my favorite art instructor.

And that's my favorite vending machine.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, as much as I've enjoyed this tour,

I better start concentrating on some good food.

I'm gonna browse the gourmet shops

and bring my guys home the best dinner

that Chicago has to offer.

Gourmet, hmm.

No snails, please.

I can't eat anything that leaves a trail on the sidewalk.

Okay, angel eyes, I'll go for a food

that never had a life of its own.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, and here's $.

Buy us some lucky raffle tickets.

So long, meatball.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Whispers ] Look at these kids, Webster.

This place looks like nerd city.

These kids happen to be my friends.

Oh, yeah?

Hmm, I guess you have to take what you can get.

Well, let's go, Webster. This money's for the needy,

and the longer you stand there, the needier they're getting.

I'm sorry, Frieda.

Good racket, not a bad haul.

Keep your digits off the green!

Who d*ed and made you boss?

I was born boss.

Webster, who is this guy?

Bobby. He's visiting with my Aunt Charlotte.

You know, the one from New York who --

Webster, spare me the family tree.

Is he a cash customer or not?

Sure, he's got $ for raffle tickets.

Go on, give it to her.

Not until I get a better look at the prize.

I've seen shopping carts that can outrun this thing.

Webster, it's not my policy to judge people too harshly

based on first impressions,

but what planet is that creep from?

You got me, but I'm sure willing to pay his rocket fuel back.

I'll pay half.

Not a bad little go cart. My guess? $, $.

The guy's a walking price tag.

So are you gonna buy some raffle tickets or what?

I don't know. Raffles are awful risky.

But...

If I was sure I'd win...

Bobby, that's why it's a raffle.

No one can be sure if they'll win.

Wait a minute!

I smell a bribe.

You've got a great little nose there, "Frieds."

And you're gonna have a flat little one

if you ever try to bribe me again.

Even flatter if you ever call me "Frieds" again.

Cool it, Bobby.

Someone once called her "Pumpkin,"

and he still gets a headache

when he sleeps with his mouth open.

Give me raffle tickets.

Hey, come on! That's my money.

It's not your money. it's Aunt Charlotte's,

and she gave it to you so you can try your luck,

not buy it.Hey, I took a sh*t.

You're really something, you know that?

He's worm barf.

If that's what you think he is,

you like him much better than I do.

Oh...no basil.

I'll improvise.

Oh, here.

I learned this from a group of French shepherds.

Hmm, looks interesting.Hmm.

How 'bout that?

Mmm! Mmm! Delicious.[ Chuckles ]

Charlotte, is there anything that you don't know how to do?

Well, there is one thing I've never tried.

Oh?

[ Sighs ] Being a parent.

Oh, and you're maybe just a little bit scared?

Mm.

Oh, but I'm thinking of signing up for a class.

But this is not something you can learn from a school.

It worked for macramé.

[ Utensil thuds ]

Sure.

You know... when you adopt Bobby,

it's going to change your whole life.

Uh, a child doesn't grow from jet-setting and parties,

hopping from Paris to Pakistan. A child needs a home

and a parent to make that home.

Well, I can do that. I can be a mother.

I'll wear a bathrobe and great big fuzzy slippers

and watch TV all day.

Tell me.

Can Mr. Ed still dial a telephone

with a pencil in his teeth?

I think she was being a little too sensitive.

You called Frieda a hamster head.

I'd be lucky if I can ever show my face

at the community center again.

Lighten up, Webster. I mean, what's the big deal?

The big deal is my friends don't make a habit

of bribing and cheating.

All right, all right.

They didn't know I was visiting Mr. Roger's neighborhood.

Look, pal, it may not be easy being an orphan and all --

Hey, it's not.

But I got lucky, just like you did.

Like me?

You got adopted into big bucks.

If things work out for me,

you could be my cousin once removed.

That does it.

I'm telling Aunt Charlotte what you really are.

She won't believe you.

And even if she does, it'll break her heart.

Wanna be responsible for that?

You know, if a child misbehaves,

then you need the patience to handle it.

They need a full measure of discipline,

but always with a pinch of love.

Uh, discipline -- that could be tricky.

Ah, you'll know what to do.

You shouldn't worry about it.

Oh, say, that Bobby -- he seems like such a good kid.

I know he's a good kid.

And, George, he's become my whole life.

Oh.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey! What are you doing?

Chill out. It's only bucks.

She'll never miss it.

What's wrong with you?

She'll give you anything you ask for.

You don't have to steal.

She wouldn't give me bribe money.

This is for your friend Frieda.

She wouldn't take , but I don't know of any kid

who wouldn't fix a raffle for .

Not Frieda.

She'd give up her orthopedic shoes

before she'd take a bribe.

We'll see.

No, we won't. You put that money back.

You'll tell them that that dinner's read --

Oh, yeah. Kids --

Oh, no.Webster...

Uh, oh, don't be mad at Web.

He just wanted to buy more raffle tickets.

Baklava, something is very wrong.

I have this funny feeling in my stomach.

Probably radishes.

Hey...you know what I'm talking about.

What was all that that went on downstairs?

You saw it. I stole the money.

Oh, right. You're the crook

and Pee-Wee Herman is on steroids.

Whatever.

Hey...don't you give me "whatever."

I know my baklava. I'm not too sure about Bobby.

Oh, Bobby wouldn't do it. He's a good boy.

That's probably why he's Aunt Charlotte's whole life.

Oh. [ Chuckles ] So you heard, huh?

And here all the time I thought you were protecting him.

And it's really her you're protecting.

I don't want Aunt Charlotte to get hurt.

You know, it's a very nice thing you're trying to do.

But this is not something we can keep a secret.

Could we just wait until they leave

and then write her a letter?

No. [ Sighs ]

As much as it's going to hurt her,

I think we have to tell her the truth.

I didn't hear any yelling. Did you snitch?

Nope.

I figured you could take the heat.

You got a pretty safe deal here.

[ Exhales deeply ]

This is my home. This is my family.

This is not a "deal."

But you're still safe.

They're not about to cut out on you.

Do you think Aunt Charlotte's going to walk out on you?

You never know. All the others did.

Aunt Charlotte wouldn't do it.

She's not like that. She loves you, really loves you.

Oh, come on, Webster. They all love you at first.

As long you're on your good behavior.

But then you make one screwup and they love you

right out the door into the next foster home.

That's why you've got to get what you can

when you can get it.

But Aunt Charlotte --She's no different.

She'd do the same thing

if she found out I took the money.

What if she didn't?

What if she loved you so much she'd still want you to stay?

What if? What if? What if cows could fly?

Listen up, 'cause I'm about to give you a crash course

on love, trust...

[ Scoffs ] and flying cows.

Moo.

And as they say,

into each life, a little rain must splash.

Faugh.Faugh.

Well, what I'm trying to say is it's going to be

very wet around here.

Georgie, we know each other well enough to be direct.

You've been b*ating around the bush

for the last five minutes.

[ Sighs ]

All right, here goes.

Aunt Charlotte,

Bobby has something very important to tell you.

Uh...

Um...Moo, moo, moo. Tell her.

I was the one who took your money from your purse.

Webster was just trying to put it back.

What?

You?

But I-I don't understand. Why would you --

He's got some reasons. I'm not sure they're great ones,

but he's got some.

No, the important thing here is the boy's telling the truth.

Won't we give him a chance?

But of course I'll give him a chance.

You will?

Oh.

It must've been very hard for you to admit that.

Would you mind if we talked about this privately?

It's sort of a family matter.

PAPA: Of course, of course.

Moo.

Moo?[ Laughs ]

[ Laughing ]

[ Laughs ]

WEBSTER: Sorry, folks, last ticket.

And now here's what we've all been waiting for.

The drawing for the grand prize.

And to do the honors,

a girl who has spearheaded our whole raffle,

straight-"A" student, Frieda Gafky.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I'm also junior librarian, letters "G" through "K."

But who's keeping track?

Just you, Frieda. Spin the drum, please.

May we have the fanfare, please?

[ Trumpet plays ]

CHARLOTTE: Papa.

Oh, Papa. [ Laughs ]

[ Chuckles ] Hi. Mwah. Bobby.

Oh, we just wanted to say goodbye before leaving

for the airport.Aw.

And to thank you both.

You old sweethearts, you.

Oh, no thanks necessary.

It's all part of the job, right, Tonto?

Right, Kemosabe.

All right, ladies and gentlemen.

The winning number is... ----.

That's ----.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

WEBSTER: Oh, rats.

Hey, wait, I think -- that -- that's me.

That's my number. I won!We got a winner here.

[ Laughs ]

We sure do. This is for you.

No, I can't.

I don't need it.

I'm not planning on doing any travel.

[ Theme song playing ]