06x03 - The Quiz Show

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

MAN: ♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

BOTH: ♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

[ Scoffs ] Unbelievable.

There are no olives!

A man could starve to death in this place.

Papa! Papa! Guess what!

What?We're gonna be on TV.

Ohhh, what happened,

you kids let your balloons

go into the telephone wires again?

Nope.

We've been picked to represent our school

on "Trivia Kids" on channel .

Naturally, I'm the captain.

[ Chuckles ] Congratulations.

Ah, that's wonderful.

You know, the Greeks invented great thinking

after they invented great dancing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is that turkey? Yes.

Yeah, Webster's our sports and entertainment expert.

Yeah.

That's because I'm a good sport,

and I really know how to party.

[ Laughs ]

Is that turkey fresh or from a roll?

Fresh.

All right, guys, enough small talk.

We've got work to do.

Upstairs on the double.

Goodbye, kids.

WEBSTER: Bye-bye, Papa.

Sure is a big sandwich.

Here, enjoy.

Thanks!

Don't be disappointed -- There are no olives.

Ooh! Mm!

[ Groans ]

Holy Hippocrates.

GEORGE: Pop, let's go.

Mm!

Ohh!

Hold that.

I hope this new suitcase holds up.

I'll never forget that last time in Houston --

The old one busted,

and all those cowboys started laughing

when my underwear came down the conveyor belt.

The most embarrassing thing.

We've got to stop and pick up Katherine

and go to the station for a minute.

PAPA: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Mm.

Is your tooth bothering you?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Well then drink your ice water.

No, no, no, no, no.

Why don't you go to a dentist?

All he wants to do is yank my tooth.

You know your grandfather, Yani, he d*ed,

he had all his own teeth.

He was years old.

Still had all his own teeth.

Don't go to a dentist.

Eat all those good foods you can eat

when you have a bad tooth,

like stewed tomatoes, pudding, Jell-O, mush.

He had to inherit my good looks and his mother's sarcasm.

Question number one -- "Name the famous area

where entire ships and planes have disappeared."

[ Horn blows ]Eddie?

Herbert's mouth![ Laughter ]

Oh! [ Laughs ]

You think this is funny?

Men.

Need I remind you,

this competition is our one chance

to get some respect for our school.

You know, she's right.

All our school is known for is that outbreak of head lice.

Hey, we got to go home for a week!

[ Laughs ]

[ Sharply ] In addition to respect...

The winning team gets a computer for their classroom.

There are a couple of math programs

I think we'd all like to sink our teeth into.

Will this computer come with a "Tron" cartridge?

Just asking.

All right, guys, I want you to remember --

We're the cream of the crop. Top bananas.

So let's start cooking.

I'm getting hungry again.

Fritz: Partly cloudy with just a chance of rain.

No...

Partly cloudy with just a chance of rain.

No...

Partly cloud with just!! --

[ Clears throat ] a chance of rain.

[ Vocalizing ] Hmmmmmmmm,

Meee-meee-meee,

mmmooooooh!

Meeee-meeee- mee-mee-mee-mee-mee!

Hmmmmohhh!

That's wonderful.

But I wouldn't advise doing it outdoors

during the moose season.

[ Laughs ]

Well, what brings you down here?

Oh, George had to pick some things up

out of his office before leaving town.

Ah.

And I just love the excitement

and the drama of -- of the news set.

Then stick around.

Fritz is gonna explain what causes dew.

Oh. [ Laughs ]

You know, Gordy, don't you?

Oh, sure.

He served lemonade duty last year at the picnic.

Ooh, Fritz, George tells me that you are the host

of that "Trivia Kids" show.

Yeah, for now I am.

Confidentially, scuttlebutt is network's

taking a hard look at me.

Uh...

Since I took over at host,

we've been b*ating the pants off

of that Channel 's lawn and garden show.

Well, you tell them

to get a good, tight grip on their trousers,

because my grandson Webster is on the show this week.

Really? So is my daughter Didi.

She's one of the defending champions.

Ooh! Scary!Yeah.

You know, I think it's only fair to warn you,

my Didi's a real sharpie.

Takes after me.

After all, I am Trivial Pursuit champ

of our neighborhood watch group.

You're all set.Thanks, champ.

Nice seeing you, George.

Bye-bye. [ Laughs ]

Well, I'm afraid he's right about his kid.

She hasn't missed a question in five weeks straight.

She even knows things I don't know.

Imagine that.Yeah.

I think I cover pretty well.

Anyway, it might be a good time

to give your grandson,

the old "winning isn't everything" speech.

[ Snickers ] He's gonna get creamed.

[ Clicks tongue ]

Boy, and I thought

going to the dentist was going to be tough.

JERRY: Who set the world record in the long jump

at the Mexico City Olympics?

WEBSTER: Bob Beamon!

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

We've got a winner!

All right, let's do it again.

I'm sorry, Uncle Jerry,

but it took us an hour just to do those questions.

Oh, well, I was just trying to give it

some production value.

Gosh, look at this.

It's :. I got to be going.

Yes. Okay. I understand.

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah, well, thank you very much.

Yep. Bye-bye.

Any luck in getting an appointment?

You want to hear something?

George's dentist is at a convention in Hawaii.

Tough life -- Little chitchat about plaque

and a lot of wikiwiki at the pool, huh?

[ Chuckles ]

Say, why don't you try my dentist?

I think I've got his card in here somewhere.

Here we go.

"Doctor Kim, Zen Dentistry"?

Oh, look, it's fantastic.

He blocks pain through meditation.

You become one with the tooth.

No dr*gs, no needles, no gas --

No thanks.

Okay...

But you're missing out on a great ginseng mouthwash.

Thank you, Uncle Jerry.

Oh, it was my pleasure.

You know, I have always wanted to be a game-show host.

[ Chuckles ]

If only I had Bert Convy's hair.

Well, bye, Papa. We'll see you later.

Bye-bye, Jerry. Thank you very much.

Oh, you're more than welcome.

And, Webster, you study hard, now.

Okay, thank you, bye-bye.Bye-bye.

[ Laughs ] Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Oh...

You know, it's really a shame, Baklava --

You study so hard and Katherine and Georgie

won't even be here to see your show.

They'll have another chance.

See, defending champions come back the next week.

Oh, that's wonderful that you have so much confidence.

Oh, that's because we have Frieda.

She even scares away the teachers.

[ Chuckling ] Yeah, she even scares me, too.

[ Laughs ]

Look, Baklava, just do the best you can tomorrow,

because no matter what happens,

I'll still love you.

And I'll still love you.

[ Laughs ]

Listen, if you get ready in two minutes,

I'm going to take you to Pizza Pete's!

I'm out of here. I'm smoke!

Okay. Try it now.

Testing, one, two, testing.

Good.

Now, don't worry, Didi.

Do it just like you did last week, sweetie.

I'm fine, daddy.

It's the other team that's nervous.

The fat kid's put away half a box of doughnuts already.

Oh, I hope Papa gets here soon.

This is so exciting!

Young minds bursting with knowledge,

ready to explode in a frenzy of intellectual combat.

Oh-ho!

Yeah.

Look, Mr. Silver, if you don't mind,

I'd like to talk to my team.

No problem!

No problem.

All right, guys. This is it.

Let's remember our objective --

a RamStar K, megabyte hard-disk computer

with enough software to put a man on the moon.

Yeah, and an end to those rotten head-lice jokes.

Come on, guys, you think anyone really remembers that?

Check it out.

Um, do I have time to get another doughnut?

All right, kids, places, please.

Now, don't worry about a thing, kids.

You are in good hands with Uncle Fritzy.

[ Clicks tongue ]

What a wiener.

[ Deep voice ] And now, from the studios of Channel ,

it's time for "Trivia Kids"!

And here's the man who makes it all happen,

the Toddlin' Town's top dog,

first in the heart of the Second City,

Chicago's own Fr-i-itz Fremont!

[ Laughing ]

[ Normal voice ] Thank you, thank you.

And thank you, Don, for that wonderful introduction.

First, let's say hello

to our returning champions from Montclair Prep.

Are we ready?

KIDS: Yeah!

And our challengers from Franklin Cooper Elementary.

Are we ready?

KIDS: Yeah!

Well, then...

Let's get started.

Here is our first question.

Who wrote "Less Miserables?"

[ Beeping ]Didi.

If you mean "Les Misérables," it was Victor Hugo.

Uh, that's correct, for points.

It's, uh, obviously spelled wrong, here.

Next, what do the two numbers

of a blood-pressure reading represent?

[ Beeping ]Didi.

Systolic and diastolic pressures.

[ Bell dings ]

All right, Didi! Way to go!

Right again!

Next, what American swimmer won seven gold medals

in the Olympics?

I know this.

[ Beeping ]

Didi.

Mark...

Andrew...

Spitz.

[ Bell dings, cheers and applause ]

Correct!

How about that?

Beauty and brains, too.

Well, we'll take our first break now,

and then we'll come right back

with Montclair leading to .

Man.

What is that chick, some kind of android?

If this keeps up,

we're gonna have to walk to school...in a group.

[ Whispering ] Jerry! Jerry!

I'm sorry I'm late.

[ Whispering ] Where have you been?

I got stuck going to Webster's dentist.

He made me sit through

a whole cartoon about Mr. Toothbrush!

It must have been good.

I see you're wearing

"I was a brave little Indian" sticker.

You think I was going to cry

in front of that beautiful little hygienist, huh?

How's it going?

Well, let me put it to you this way --

if this were a boxing match, they would've stopped it.

Oh, great. There's Papa.

I wouldn't blame him if he made me take the bus home.

[ Quiz show theme music plays, applause ]

And we're back!

Uh...

Tell you what, Franklin Cooper,

let's test those buzzers just once.

[ Buzzers sound ]

Well, at least we know that's not the problem.

[ Snickers ]

Okay. Let's have at it.

For points, what gas makes up the majority

of the Earth's atmosphere.

[ Beeping ]Didi.

Nitrogen.

[ Bell dings ]Is that it?

[ Cheers and applause ]I would've guessed unleaded.

This is the longest day of my life.

I've had just about enough of this.

And now, for another , what author --

[ Beeping ]Mark Twain.

Aw, no --

Charles Dickens.

Please, only one answer.

Erica Jong.

Look, we're dying over here. Give us a break.

I'll repeat the question for Montclair.

What author wrote "The Time Machine"?

[ Beeping ]Didi?

H...

G...

Wells.

[ Bell dings ]

I heard that. I heard that answer!

Well, at least the novocaine didn't numb your ears.

Next, name the four presidents on Mount Rushmore.

[ Beeping ]Didi.

Washington...

DIDI: Washington...

Jefferson... Jefferson...

Lincoln... Lincoln...

...and Teddy Roosevelt!

...and Teddy Roosevelt.

[ Bell dings ]Very good!

And Montclair moves further ahead.

You don't have to show off for me, Papa.

No, you don't understand!

I keep hearing the answers.

There's this little voice inside my head.

Are you sure you're getting enough sleep?

It's like a little radio.

Well...

Wait a minute -- No.

What?

Well, it's -- it's possible...

It's just possible --Uh-huh, what?

That your new filling

could be picking up some radio frequencies.

You mean like I'm Radio Free Papa?

No, no, really. I saw this on "In Search Of..."

There was this woman, she thought she was possessed

because she heard Paul Harvey twice a day.

Well, this is not Paul Harvey. Thi--

Somebody just called me "little sweetie."

Wait a minute, I recognize that voice!

[ Bell rings ]

And that --

[ Chuckles ]

That bell means it's time for the Whopper round,

where each question is worth a whopping points.

And, I might add, Franklin Cooper,

this is your only chance to turn this game around.

Though I wouldn't hold my breath.

[ Snickers ]

I say we forfeit and salvage some dignity.

Right.

Herbert, wait two more questions,

and then pretend to be sick.

Why me?

Because they'll believe you.

They've seen what you ate.

Ready, Uncle Fritz.

And here's your first Whopper --

What large island lies off the coast of Mozambique?

[ Beeping ]Didi.

Easy one -- Madagascar.

DIDI: Madagascar.

[ Bell dings ]Correct!

You know, this could be our first shutout.

Hi, Gordy! How are you?

G-George, what are you doing here?

Oh, just enjoying the show.

And now, for another whopperoos,

what are the first seven words

of the Declaration of Independence?

[ Beeping ]

Oh, these kids are really great, aren't they?

Didi again.

George, I really can't chat right now.

DIDI: George, I really can't chat right now.

What?

George, I really can't chat right now.

Uhhh...

I don't think so.

Can you take it, Franklin Cooper?

[ Beeping ]

"When in the course of human events."

Amazing! That's correct!

You're in the game with points.

You've still got a mathematical chance,

although time is definitely running out.

[ Sharply ] Then button up and read the questions.

All right.

What won last year's Grammys as best album?

[ Beeping ]

"Graceland" by Paul Simon. Yeah!

[ Bell dings ]Correct for another !

Shirley Temple's cracking.

You can see it in her eyes.

And here's a little math teaser --

what is the formula for the area of a circle?

[ Beeping ]

Ooh! Oh, my stomach! I'm sick!

[ Whispering ] Not now, Herbert, we've got a chance.

[ Whispering ] Oh.

[ Normal voice ] Never mind.

It's a miracle.

The formula is pi "R" squared.

[ Bell dings ]Correct!

[ Kids laughing ]

Keep 'em coming, Fritzy!

Papa, it's incredible.

The entire match just turned around.

It's like Didi went blank.

No, it's more like she got disconnected.

Radio Free Papa.

Oooh, I haven't had this much fun

since Twister came out.

All right.

Who was Richard Nixon's running mate

in the election?

[ Beeping ]

What'd you do that for?

Because history's your area.

Ohh...

I need an answer.

Henry Cabot Lodge?

[ Bell dings ]Yes!

[ Kids laughing ]

Boy, oh, boy.

This is the kind of excitement

that belongs on network television.

Now, with Montclair leading and Cooper at ,

this final question will decide

who takes home all the microchips.

For points -- Listen carefully --

What American track-and-field athlete

set a world record in that still stands?

Huh, how 'bout that?

seconds.

Webster knows this, why doesn't he buzz?

He's blanked.

They put entirely too much pressure on these kids.

Uh-huh.

Come on, Webster, you know this!

Come on!

[ Beeping ]

Bob Beamon in the long jump.

[ Bell dings ]That's it! Cooper wins!

[ Kids cheering, applause ]

I don't belive it!

The come from behind kids, Cooper wins!

We'll be back --

We'll be back next week with our new defending champions.

Until then, this is Fritz Freeman

saying so-o-o long.

[ Stomps ]

I'm sorry, Princess. I'll explain on the way home.

This had better be good.

Well done, team.

Complacency is now our biggest enemy, so...

study group, tomorrow, :.

See you later, guys.

Bye. Bye, Web.

Bye, Frieda.

[ Sharply ] :.

You were great!

You shortened my life five years, but it was worth it.

Wonderful!

Thanks, Jerry.

Papa, did we smoke those guys or what?

Hey, smoke?

I'm surprised you didn't set off the fire alarm.

[ Laughs ]

Papa? Mm?

How come I hear the Beach Boys?

[ Theme song plays ]