05x21 - Love Letters

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

MAN: ♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in ♪

♪ Line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

NICKY: Two tall ones, Benny, straight up.

Hey, Nicky,

I figure you might be a little lonesome for the farm,

so now I'm carrying country and western for you.

Hey, it's good stuff.

Real, raw emotions.

Look -- "Tommy Tractor and the Tractorettes

Sing America's Greatest Drought Ballads."

Thanks, Benny, but I'm not much into tractor music.

Right. He's into rock 'n' roll and rap.

[ Rapping ] ♪ They call me Web ♪

[ Rapping ] ♪ They call me Nick ♪

♪ We're both cousins, and we're really slick ♪

♪ He's from the farm, it did him no harm ♪

♪ And I'm no sap 'cause I love to rap ♪

♪ So now you see my cousin and me ♪

♪ Are the best friends there ever could be ♪

♪ What's the matter, cuz? Are you stuck for a rhyme? ♪

♪ Just say the word, and I'll give you mine ♪

♪ Nicky, Nicky, Nicky, what's wrong with you? ♪

♪ Somehow, your words aren't coming through ♪

Can CPR stop lockjaw?

I'm okay.

Ohh.

It's those girls again.

Yesterday when you saw them,

your ice-cream cone had a meltdown.

It's that Laura Benners.

I think that God made her and Daryl Hannah,

then broke the mold.

Oh, brother.

You'd better watch out

before you start doing something real dumb like dating.

I would give anything to go to the homecoming dance with her.

I'd even stop watching TV.

Well, not MTV, but definitely FOX.

Are you planning to blabber on about her?

Look at her hair. [ Sighs ]

I hope to take her hair to the dance too.

Blabber city.

Hey, Nicky, just take a deep breath and go over

and ask her and her hair to the dance.

Are you kidding? I couldn't do that.

Why not?

Listen, girls are people just like guys.

Only a little softer.

[ Chuckles ] Which is a big plus.

They don't bite.

Thanks, Benny, but I don't think so.

Oh, a little shy, huh?

I know that feeling.

♪ The words of my love ♪

♪ Are locked in the larynx of my heart ♪

♪ And my vocal cords froze up ♪

♪ And they need a good jump-start ♪

♪ And my battery cables are rusty ♪

♪ I guess they'll just stay dusty ♪

♪ As I pine for those red lips under your nose ♪

[ Scatting ]

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Great meal, Ma'am.

One of the best you ever sent out for.

Well, thank you.

I knew that course in gourmet dialing would come in handy.

More egg rolls?

No, thank you.

You've only had two servings of moo shu pork.

Usually we're into double digits.

What's the matter?

I'm just not very hungry.

He's come down with a case of "Laura-titis."

Oh, the dreaded dating disease.

Well, that explains it.

Everyone knows the symptoms are no appetite for egg rolls.

He's got it real bad, Ma'am.

It's no big deal.

I just sort of want to take her to the homecoming dance.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, why don't you just sort of ask her?

He's afraid to call her.

Well, you know, there are other options.

Now, you could write her a note.

Terribly romantic.

"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways."

I don't think so. Thanks, Aunt Katherine.

Excuse me. I got to go do some homework.

Oh.

Well, I sure hope he gets over it.

He's acting real sappy.

It's called falling in love.

That's what I said -- sappy.

[ Knock on door ]

WEBSTER: Come in.

Hey, Web, I need a favor.

Sure, anything.

Unless there's a flood in your bathroom again.

[ Sighs ] Web...

I think I'm going crazy.

Oh. Girl stuff.

I thought you said this was serious.

It is.

Look, I wrote Laura a letter,

and I want someone to listen to it first.

Okay, because I care about you, I'll make my ears listen.

"To Laura of the lovely legs."

"Our love has more potential than a sow in springtime.

"Your skin is smoother than cream

"as it comes through the separator.

"I will cherish you always.

Nicky, your man of the planting season."

What do you think?

Well...

Okay, sort of.

It stinks, doesn't it?

Well...

It's just that, uh...

it isn't exactly, uh...

Chicago.

It sounds more like the Farmers' Almanac.

I don't think girls here relate to, uh, sows.

What is a sow?

A lady pig.

Nifty compliment.

I think you're just gonna have to find a way

to say that garbage differently.

Uh, how about, uh...

"Your face is like that of a goddess.

"Your hair is like silk.

Your smile brightens the sunset."

Boy, you're good.

Did you just make that up?

I hope not.

I don't know where that came from.

Web, I think we may have just had a religious experience.

Wait! I know!

[ Door closes ]

What have you got?

Some real yuckadoo love letters some guy wrote to Ma'am.

I accidentally found them when my hamster got lost once.

I don't think George knows about these.

Here.

Oh, looks like my hamster found them, too.

[ Chuckles ]

I don't really think that we should be reading these.

Why not?

They'll only make you a little nauseous.

Yeah.

"Your gossamer eyelashes give me reason to breathe."

Wow, this guy was real smooth.

They're weird.

Some letters have lots of nose stuff.

Some have more... lip stuff.

One even has stuff about a neck nape.

Well, I can make a letter

by using little bits from each one.

A nose here, a nape there.

Oh, I got to mail it by tomorrow.

The dance is next week.

Next week?

I don't know.

Might not get there in time by mail.

I'll just have to hope for the best.

Oh, not good enough.

When it absolutely, positively has to be there on time,

you can trust Webster Express.

Thanks, buddy.

Okay.

WEBSTER: Nicky, relax.

All you have to do is sit here

and let Dr. W. deliver the letter when she comes in.

Let me have it.

Not until she gets here.

I don't want to take any chances.

Right, I might lose it during an Indian att*ck.

Hi, Laura. Hi, Tammy.

Hey, Benny. Hi.

The usual? Uh, yeah, thanks.

Thanks.

It's her! It's Laura!

I cannot handle it.

Smooth. Real smooth.

It's freezing in here.

Oh, here, take my jacket.

Thanks, Laura. I'm wearing a sweater.

So, anyway, Betsy told Molly

that Chris and Pauline weren't going to the movies.

But then Joey calls Betsy, and she --

Andy, Andy! Wait!

I need to talk to him real fast.

I'll be right back.

Andy!

Excuse me, miss.

This is for you.

WEBSTER: What did Laura think about the letter?

I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, come on, man.

I worked real hard on that letter.

I want to know what happened.

Or at least up to where it gets barfy.

I wish there was an "up to where."

I haven't even heard from her.

She just ignores me.

It's weird, though.

Her friend keeps winking at me.

Sounds like it's time to, uh, pull out the big g*ns.

You mean...

Yes.

The real mushy letters.

Well, Web, I-I don't think so.

You have nothing to lose by shifting into "overmush."

Well...

Come on, man. Do it for me.

For you?

Yes, for me.

Listen, if you don't get a date with Laura,

it's gonna be, "Oh, come on, man, Nicky!

Let's go out and play, sh**t some hops, man!"

"I don't want to, Web.

I just want to sit around here and mope."

Right?

Right.

Well, you really think it'll work?

I don't know, but I'm desperate.

Here. You write, and I'll read.

"Dearest Katherine,

your supple skin so ignites the fires of my heart..."

"Supple"?

Must be talking about her upholstery.

Oh.

"...the embers of which stoke my desire

for an intertwining of our passion."

Hey, what'll it be, Webster?

Root beer. Light on the foam.

I don't want to spend my allowance on a bunch of bubbles.

[ Chuckles ]

Bubbles -- a child's curse,

an entrepreneur's profit.

Hey...

Where's Nicky?

Oh, he was gonna come over with me, but...

I got to get another letter to Laura.

He got real nervous.

Yeah. Affairs of the heart can mess up your stomach.

I know. [ Chuckles ]

He barely made it to the gas-station bathroom.

I'll be right back.

Okay.

Well, here goes.

Excuse me.

Oh, I'm so glad you're here.

Please give this to Nicky for me.

Uh, sure. This is for you.

Thanks.

Boy, I sure hope this one works.

Hey, Web, I thought you were

giving the letter to Laura.

Right. I did.

Unh-unh. That's Tammy.

That's Laura.

What?

Mm-hmm.

Hey, cuz. What's going on?

[ Muffled ] How'd it go?

Say what?

Laura. Did you deliver the note?

Oh.

The note's been delivered.

Oh! Thanks, buddy.

This one's got to work,

especially with that stuff about

the "essence of dew on rose petals."

Yeah, right.

Say, Nicky, um,

you know how you go to a store

and you see a baseball glove that you think you want?

Yeah.

But later on you see a different baseball glove,

and you change your mind about the fist one?

Oh, no way.

I never change my mind about anything.

I know what I want. Right.

Um, so, uh, Laura's real pretty, huh?

Real, real, real pretty.

And her friend's real pretty too.

I think her name is... Teri?

Tammy.

Tammy, right.

Uh, she'd be a pretty good date for the dance, too, huh?

Oh, absolutely.

Really? Sure.

But not for me.

I just got to go with Laura.

Psst!

That can only mean one thing --

You're parched and you want

a Triple Gooey Benny's Blender Blitzkrieg.

[ Whispering ] No. I need you to play along.

That's the other thing it could mean.

[ Loudly ] Hey, Benny, I've got a real problem.

Yeah, you must. You passed up the Blitzkrieg.

[ Whispering ] Benny!

[ Loudly ] See, I've been delivering these letters

to this girl who always comes in here.

[ Loudly ] Oh, no!

That's an awful problem. Poor Webster!

I don't know how in the world

you're gonna ever figure -- wait.

In what way is that a problem?

Well, she seems like a nice girl.

And this guy who sends her these letters, he's a creep!

Oh. That's awful.

Just terrible.

A real sundry-store tragedy.

Yeah, I know.

This creep's a liar.

He cheats everybody.

He lies. He cheats. He steals.

He -- He...

Doesn't floss.

Anyway, I really want to tell her,

but I know the creep will just b*at me up.

Oh! You poor kid!

Caught in a quandary!

A marked man if you follow your conscience!

Doomed!

Hey, Web. Hi, Benny.

Boy, these assignments.

You know, English could really k*ll a guy.

Uh, excuse me, miss? Yeah?

Uh, would you know how to spell "humanitarian"?

[ Sighs ] Uh...

H-U-M-A-N-I-T-A-R-I-A-N.

Thanks.

I bet you're smart.

Yes, I am.

Uh, could you read this for me?

It's a report I have to give for school,

and it would really help if I could hear it

before it comes out of my mouth.

All right. If I have to.

"I consider myself very lucky to have a great bud like Nicky.

"He is a true humanitarian at .

"He's kind to all people and also helps sick animals.

"He has a great CD collection, is a fabulous dancer,

and is very handsome."

Hmm.

"He has a great sense of humor

and is growing up to be a rich doctor."

This is a fabulous report.

You really think so?

Oh, you must be very smart yourself.

We'll find out.

Uh, your friend sounds pretty radical.

Yeah, he's radically radical.

Uh, does he live around here?

Yeah. He goes to Clinton High.

Oh, what a coincidence!

I go to Clinton High,

and I plan to marry a very rich doctor.

That's amazing.

Hey, Nicko! Come here, old pal.

Hey, Nicky.

Uh, Nicky, this is Laura.

She thinks you're radical.

Really? No, no, I don't.

You're that new kid that moved here

from a farm in Iowa or somewhere?

Yeah, the radically radical one.

No, no, he's not radically radical --

uh, just, um...

uh...nice.

Bye.

I feel lower than a pig

who just found out where bacon comes from.

Oh, look at the time.

Excuse me.

Yes.

I know some people don't think much of you.

You must know Laura.

Sure. But that doesn't matter.

I think anyone who could write letters

with so much heart and feeling

has to have a lot going for them.

Really?

Definitely.

Well, thanks. [ Chuckles ]

Sure.

I... guess I'll see you around.

Yeah.

Wait.

Maybe we could go out sometime.

That would be great!

Sometime.

Yeah, yeah. Like, sometime would be great.

How about the homecoming dance?

Perfect! Great!

[ Laughs ]

So who do you have for biology?

Mrs. Brown.

Oh, I have Mr. Mack. Do you?

[ Theme song plays ]