05x17 - The Cruise

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways, Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

MAN: ♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in, Line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

What are you reading?

The Bible.

I'm treating a man who thinks he's God.

Well, one good thing about that --

His hours are flexible. [ Chuckles ]

Yeah, but we are making some progress.

Yesterday, he agreed not to smite the Macedonians.

Hey.

Hi, guys.

How's it going?

Oh.

KATHERINE: Bad day on Wall Street?

Worse.

I have to write a composition on a great romance.

I was gonna write about Sean Penn and Madonna,

but that's already gone south.

What about F. Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald?

Anthony and Cleopatra.

No, they want us to write about famous people.

Either that or someone I know.

Well.

You happen to know two people

who had the fastest and most exciting courtship ever.

I do? You do.

Yes, I told you that George and I met on a cruise ship.

Okay, tell me everything.

Did the ship sink, or did you save Ma'am from the sharks?

Or what happened? Tell me.

Well, we didn't see any sharks,

but we did see some dolphins off Crete.

Yeah. Two-legged sharks.

Hmm.

I went on the cruise because I wanted to rest and relax,

and I had some reading.

[ Ship horn blares ]

Well...

I'm finished.

That's it? Yeah.

That's all you brought?

Well, this evening coat is reversible.

Katherine.

I invited you on this cruise

to help get you over Andrew and back into circulation.

Well, you can't circulate for an entire week

in the same clothes.

I am not here to circulate. I am here to vegetate.

Oh, come on.

A good fling is exactly what you need to get over Andrew.

[ Grumbles ]

For goodness' sakes, Katherine.

You act as if he dumped you.

As I remember it, you were the dumper,

although I can't for the life of me understand why.

My mother chose him. Now do you understand?

Katherine.

Why would you dump a multimillionaire --

heir to the Pierpont textile fortune?

Now, myself, I rather like the way

they turn wool into jewelry and yachts.

Here's your room, sir.

Well.

My travel agent said that I'd have an opportunity

to meet some girls, but I didn't think in my room.

Your room? Oh, this is a mistake.

T-This happens to be our luxury suite.

See? Here, look. [ Scoffs ]

They are both the same.

Plato had a phrase for this -- "major screwup."

I'm terribly sorry for the inconvenience,

but somebody will have to move.

Well, it's not going to be us.

You see, there's this old maritime law --

Once the lingerie hits the drawer, it stays.

Now, don't you have a room of comparable size?

Certainly. We have a lovely efficiency left on "B" deck.

"B" deck? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I didn't pay luxury prices to live below the waterline.

Oh, I assure you, you'll be well above the water...

as long as the weather holds.

You'll have to drag me there.

Okay, okay.

I'll go...

providing you go with me.

[ Laughs ]

Thank you very much.

That's very kind of you, and we'll all be a lot happier

since Diana does now not have to move.

Right this way, Mr. Papadapolis.

We will have some complimentary champagne sent to your room.

Oh, did I mention you don't have to worry

about the waves coming into your room?

There's no porthole.

Papadapolis.

Papadapolis.

Wait a minute.

Isn't there a shipping family named Papadapolis?

And isn't this a Greek ship?

And did you see the way the steward

was fawning all over him?

Katherine, put on your hunting outfit.

I smell aristocracy.

[ Sighs ] I'm here to get over a romance, not start one.

All right, well, you relax for half an hour.

I'll take a bath, and then we'll go upstairs.

Guess what, Mr. Papadapolis.

My cousin's mother-in-law knows a man

whose nephew lives only kilometers

from the Greek village where your father was born.

Oh, well, that practically makes us koumbaros.

[ Laughs ] I'm dying here.

Me, Dimitri Bakaras,

a koumbaros to America's greatest football star.

Well, not the greatest, the second-greatest.

Look. There's that gorgeous hunk of Greek shipping magnate.

I can't believe you're really serious about this.

Listen, if it was good enough for Jackie O.,

it's good enough for Diana S.

Happy hunting.

Mm-hmm.

[ Gasps ] Mr. Papadapolis.

It's so nice to see you again.

I'm Diana St. Clair of the Boston St. Clairs.

I didn't get a chance to thank you for giving up your cabin,

so if you'd like to take me to dinner, it would be my pleasure.

[ Chuckles ] You said that all in one breath.

You'd be a good sponge diver.

Oh, you Greeks say the drollest things.

And may I add that your English is very good?

Oh, well, thank you very much.

I do dialects. I do Garbo.

[ As Dracula ] I want to be alone.

Oh! "I want to be alone."

That's wonderful. [ Normal voice ] Yeah.

But I do want to be alone.

I'd like to take you out to dinner,

but I really would like to relax.

Well, really.

I don't see what Jackie O. saw in all you people.

Would you like me to give it to her,

or would you like to give it to her yourself?

Oh, yeah, y-you could do that for me.

Thank you very much. You'll see her before I see her.

Well, we don't know that.

Would you like to have a drink?

Thank you.

Diane is many things,

but...she isn't subtle.

Red roses for a blue lady.

Andrew?

Oh, now say it isn't you.

Your cruise to dulldom is over, my love.

Ooh, I'm not dreaming! You really are here.

And I'm planning on staying here till you come to your senses.

[ Sneezes ]

So, instead of having fun with George,

I had Andrew to deal with.

Well, did the ship have any entertainment,

you know, when helicopters would come down

and bring out entertainment like Run-DMC, LL Cool J,

Patti LaBelle and the Sweeties?

"Sweeties"? Oh, no.

No, no, I had too many sweeties to deal with.

The sanest thing I ever did was cancel that wedding.

Proves my point --

No woman in her right mind would let me get away.

I don't want to marry you.

I don't want to see you.

I don't even want to know you!

[ Chuckles ] I love that Calder-Young stubbornness.

Ohh.

Don't you worry.

I'll be here when you finally come 'round.

[ Sniffs ]

[ Sniffles ]

I don't want to say anything,

but I think you're doing the right thing.

[ Voice breaking ] Thank you.

Dimitri.

Oh, I thought it was you.

Oh, hi, George.

What are you doing down here in "B" deck?

Well, it's warmer down here. [ Chuckles ]

We're paying a lot of money to have frostbite, aren't we?

Well, quite frankly [Chuckles] I'm hiding from Andrew,

and...he'd rather die than be seen on the "B" deck.

You're hiding, huh?

I found this to be a pretty good place to hide.

You too? Mm-hmm.

You're not a convicted felon or anything, are you?

[ Laughs ] No.

Just an old, burnt-out sportscaster

in need of a vacation.

Are you from the Chicago area?

Yes.

No. Are you the one -- What is it, channel --

.

And you're on vacation, and we took your room.

Oh.

Oh, no problem. It's the first time

I've been able to lock my door from my bed.

You're kidding.

Not really. [ Chuckles ]

Would you -- Would you like to go for a stroll?

I mean, the only exercise I get is turning around in my room.

Sure. Oh, just -- I want to put my hat on.

What kind of world is it when you can't trust anyone anymore?

Maybe it's a little too froufrou.

Do you know what I found out today?

Do you think maybe the blue silk might be better, sort of --

Katherine!

I'm sorry. I'm running a little late.

George Papadapolis isn't in shipping at all.

He's an ex-football player.

Hmm.

Did you know that George Papadapolis

used to play football?

Well, isn't it awful?

Oh, no, actually, he's a lovely person.

We're having dinner tonight.

No. No, no, no.

Katherine, Andrew is a lovely person...

with a lovely social standing a-a-and a lovely fortune.

George Papadapolis used to get paid to hit people,

roll around in the mud, and sweat.

[ Gasps ]

Katherine...are you sure you know what you're doing?

Yes.

[ Sighs ]

Man, this is sure getting mushy.

Mm. [ Laughs ]

Well, just tell me one thing.

Did you see any video-arcade games?

Or at least maybe -- maybe one movie star.

Well, hold on.

Yeah, we're getting to the good part.

Yeah, we're coming to the part

where she shamelessly flirts with me.

I did not.

Did too.

Ma'am.

Well, maybe a little.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

[ Song ends ]

[ Applause ]

[ Low-tempo music plays ]

You split your cheek wide open?

Did it hurt?

Did it hurt? Of course it hurt.

But we had a guy over on the sidelines to stitch it up.

Oh, you mean a doctor?

No, just a guy.

[ Glasses clink ]

Sir, madam, some champagne?

Oh, George, you shouldn't have.

I didn't.

Compliments of Mr. Pierpont.

He noticed you were drinking the house wine.

[ Clicks tongue ]

Don't open it, please.

Just take it back with a very firm, "No, thank you."

Very well.

[ Sighs ]

Why won't he leave me alone?

Want me to throw him overboard?

Would you?

It's tempting, but I think you should.

Some caviar.

Ugh.

Where does this come from?

A sturgeon, I believe.

[ Laughs ]

And after that?

Mr. Pierpont.

You know, it's none of my business,

but, uh, if you don't get tough with old Andy,

I'm afraid you're gonna spend

the rest of your life scratching.

"Tough"?

How?

Blast him.

It would make a scene.

But it would be a lot of fun.

Hope you don't mind my sending over the caviar.

By the way, it is Belugan.

Oh, I spoke with your mother by radio a short time ago.

She's thrilled we're back together.

Katherine, we were meant to be.

Everybody's planning on us.

Be a good girl, and come join me at my table.

Come, darling. Darling, you're being stubborn.

Come.

[ Chuckling ] Oh.

[ Screams ]

I've known you since kindergarten,

and I had no idea you had that hideous sound inside you.

If I had, I would have --

What would you have done? Would you have left me?

Well, now that you know it's there, you can get lost!

See, darling, no -- Yes!

We'll find you a therapist and get you past this.

No, that's it, buster! You're dog meat!

[ Laughs ]

"Buster"? Yes!

Katherine, let's not make a scene.

Oh, no! No, no! We have to make a scene.

We have to make a scene. We have to make a scene!

[ Silverware clatters ] Oh, it's fun!

It's fun to make a scene!

I-I think perhaps we should break off the engagement!

Oh, no, Andrew, I would be crushed!

First -- First, we must have a wonderful dinner together!

[ Chuckling ] Yes!

We've got to start with some wine!

And then have caviar!

And eggs and canapés.

And then we're gonna have salad.

Salad. Here we go!

We're gonna have salad!

Oh, lovely salad. Lovely.

[ Plates shatter ]

[ Chuckling ] Well, okay.

[ Coughs ] Excuse us.

You've got his attention, "buster."

It was a great week.Mm-hmm.

[ Inhales deeply ] It's too bad it has to end.

It doesn't have to end.

Does it?

[ Wagner's "Bridal Chorus" plays ]

Ew.

Couldn't you have stopped before the kiss?

We couldn't stop after. [ Laughs ]

Well, not to hurt your feelings or anything,

but I'm not gonna write about you and George.

Why not? Why?

Well, it doesn't have the pizzazz of a "West Side Story."

Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna bring myself to apologize

'cause we didn't die. Yeah.

Oh, that's okay.

I'm real glad you guys went on that ship. Really.

All right. Well, the next time I tell that story,

I'm gonna talk about the whale.

And the shark.Fine.

[ Laughs ] Deal.

[ Theme music plays ]