05x10 - A Hell of a Weekend

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

MAN: ♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in ♪

♪ Line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

Okay, bases are loaded.

Any hit scores the winning run.

Come on! Twos.

Double play. I'm dying.

And they go into extra innings at Wrigley.

[ Telephone ringing ] You know, I can't wait

for your cousin Nicky to get back from the farm.

I'll b*at him, too.

Sorry, boys. Game's called on account of dinner.

Darling, unless you're extra hungry,

I think you should let me cook this first.

Jeffrey, your mother's on the phone. She wants you home for dinner.

Oh, well. I'll see you in school tomorrow.

Maybe we can ask the janitor to get your Frisbee off the roof.

Yeah, right. Bye.

Bye-bye. Bye, Mr. Papadapolis.

Bye, Jeffrey. Bye.

Ma'am, you want to play?

Yeah. Jeffrey's mother asked if you wanted to go up with them

to their cabin in the Wisconsin Dells this weekend.

Oh, really? That's great.

Yeah.

Jeffrey told me that there's some wonderful lizards up there.

Really?

Double three. What is that?

A double. Man on second.

Now, wait a minute, now.

We -- we have the Channel picnic this weekend.

You know, we're the defending sack race champions.

George, did you forget? They changed that

because there's a horse show there the night before.

Oh. That's a good move.

Hey, look at that. Double twos. What is this?

A walk. Good.

All right, man on first and second. Now, can I please go?

Sure, if you want to.

'Course...George and I will be alone.

Yeah, we just have to find something

to fill our long and lonely hours.

Great. I'm gonna do everything there is to do

at the Wisconsin Dells.

What is there to do at the Wisconsin Dells?

I don't know. I guess just a lot of Dell stuff.

You know what, Katherine? I think it'd be a good idea

to invite Jeffrey's parents over, you know?

I feel like cooking up a Greek dinner.

Well, you know what? You'll love them.

Mr. Berke can whistle through his nose.

A nasal flautist. Most of the great ones are gone.

All right! A five and a one. What is that?

Oh, you just hit into a triple play.

Yay, a triple play! Yippee!

Ooh-hoo! [ Banging on table ]

Do I have that confused with something else?

Yeah. You're out.

This is gonna be great.

Now you're gonna be friends with the Berkes,

just like the Flintstones and the Rubbles.

[ Doorbell rings ] They're here!

Hi. Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Berke.

Hi! Hi, Jeffrey.

Hey, Web. Look, I brought some new Garbage Pail Kids.

Very nice.

I'm Katherine. This is George.Oh, hi.

I'm glad you could come. Hi!

Hello. How are you? Barbie and Calvin.

Well, come on in. Oh, let me -- I take your coat?

Oh! [ Giggles ]

Just don't go too far with it, huh?

This baby cost thou. [ Chuckles ]

'Course, I only paid $,. [ Laughs ]

Well, I'll put it on a wooden hanger.

Oh, my Calvin is so smart.

Oh, you got Moldy Marvin.

I got two Marvins. Want to trade for one?

Sure. I've got Oozing Oscars.

You want one? Come on.

Those cards, they're [chuckles] really disgusting.

Oh, I know. Isn't it fun?

Have you seen the refrigerator magnets?

Oh, yes. I just don't want to put them too close to food.

[ Both laugh ]

You know, you -- you look a little familiar.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah. "Classy Cal, the Hot Tub King"?

If it foams, we got it!

Of course! Oh, I've seen you on commercials.

You get sh*t out of a cannon.

No, no, no, no, no. That's "the Box Spring King."

I'm the guy that comes out with the, uh, giant thermometer.

GEORGE: Oh!

Because... Ooh!

...business is hot! ...business is hot!

[ Both hiss ]

[ Giggles ]

You get it? Jacuzzis? Hot?

[ Hisses ]

Yeah, we got it. We got it.

[ Chuckles ]

'Course, I'm not nearly as well-known as you are, George.

Well, I do have an advantage. I'm on before midnight.

[ Laughs ]

[ Both laugh ] Aw, come on.

Who could ever forget your reputation on the gridiron?

You know, I even saw one of your championships games in person.

Oh, really? CALVIN: Yeah.

Yes, George was quite a legend.

Well, not that day. [ Chuckles ]

He was huffing and puffing after Jim Brown all afternoon.

[ Both laugh ] You recall that game?

Yes, I was coming off major knee surgery.

Oh, I-I know. I know. [ Laughs ]

It's a shame nobody ever remembers that, though, huh?

Would you like some caviar or paté? Oh...

I hope it's imported.

Calvin's really spoiled me! [ Giggles ]

Hey, you seem a little tense, there, George.

Station probably ran out of decaf.

Well, then, I have just the thing to relax this guy.

Mm-hmm.

[ Chuckles ] Let me see. Here we go.

Why don't you install one of our Port-A-Bubbles in your bathroom?

You can turn your tub into your best friend.

"Best friend." Well...

Ah. [ Chuckles ]

Haven't finished redecorating upstairs.

[ Gasps ] Redecorating?!

[ Gasps ]

Oh, Katherine, you should have called me!

Yep. My Barbie is a decorating demon.

Oh, well, if only I'd known.

You know, if you painted all this old wood and furniture,

you could really perk up this room!

Cal's right. She's a demon.

Oh!

[ Barbie squeals, laughs ] [ Laughs ]

Zap! Zap! Take that, Skeletor!

Aah! Vaporized again!

Ohh!

[ Sobs ]

[ Screams ]

[ Laughs ] Don't they get along well?

[ Giggling ] Oh!

WEBSTER: One, two... one, two, three.

[ To the tune of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" ]

♪ There's no time ♪

♪ for you to lose-y ♪

♪ You don't have to be a floozy ♪

♪ You deserve your own Jacuzzi ♪

♪ So come see Cal right now ♪

[ Both laughing ]

Oh, boy. I'll tell you,

we're gonna have such fun with the boys

up at the cabin this weekend, huh? Aww.

You know, you guys ought to come up sometime.

[ Barbie gasps ] Ooh.

This month, the Wisconsin Dell Players

are doing a musical version of "King Lear"

starring Don Knotts. Mm-hmm.

Hey, wait a minute, here. Huh?

Hon, I'm getting another one of my terrific ideas, here!

Ohhhhhh!

[ Both laughing ]

Let's have George and Katherine

come up with Webster this weekend! Aah! [ Laughs ]

Yeah! Great! Yeah! Great!

Well, we'd really love to go. But, you see,

George's, um, Channel picnic is that day, and, uh...

he has to judge the Hairiest Legs contest.

Yes.

Aww.Aww. Yes.

But, Ma'am, um...the picnic was changed, remember?

No.

Oh, was it?

Yeah, well, we have to do something, don't we George?

Yes, yes. No.

Don't you remember? You said you didn't know

how you'd fill that "long, lonely time."

Oh, that's right. Well, then we're on!

That's super! Yeah!

You guys can stay in our other cabin. Mm-hmm!

Oh, you have two cabins? They have two cabins, George.

CALVIN: Yeah!

Oh, uh, how far apart are they?

Just halfway around the lake.

How big's the lake?

Oh, pretty big.

We have swan boats to paddle between cabins.

Come on, huh? Huh?

You said you'd love it. Uh-huh?

[ Laughs ] It's perfect!

Well, I -- It sounds like it could be...

okay.

[ Both laughing ]

[ Birds chirping ]

Ah, that's what I love about these weekends.

The fun starts as soon as you get in the car.

[ Laughs, vocalizes ]

What a trip.

I feel like I was stuck in an elevator with Pee-wee Herman.

WEBSTER AND JEFFREY: ♪ bottles of beer on the wall ♪

♪ bottles of beer ♪

♪ If one of those bottles should happen to fall ♪

♪ bottles of beer on the wall ♪

♪ bottles of beer... ♪

You know, if we just kind of step back

and look at all this from a great distance,

it could be very amusing.

Okay, well, let's get to our own cabin

before the knot in my neck cuts off the blood to my head.

[ Sighs, whimpers ] Well, if this isn't Murphy's Law!

What's a matter, Barbie-boo?

Calvin, dear, the caretaker left a message

that the other cabin is infested with stinkbugs!

I'll be doggoned.

Well, looks like you folks will be bunking in with us.

How stinky are those bugs?

Ah, skunks won't go near them.

But don't worry. We got plenty of room right here.

Does this mean we're gonna be staying together

for the whole weekend? Looks like.

Hooray for the stinkbugs.

Hey, Mom, when's dinner?

Oh, not for a couple of hours! Great!

Come on, Web. We can throw rocks in the lake.

I love it here. You can throw rocks, and no one yells at you.

Now, try not to touch the trees or sit on the ground.

You know what a dirty housekeeper Mother Nature is.

We appreciate everything,

but I think we'd better go rent a motel room.

[ Both laugh ]

A motel.

During the weekend of "Yodelfest"?

[ Both continue laughing ]

Fat chance. This whole place is just filled with lederhosen.

Oh, come on!

Make yourselves at home!

Did I mention that I redecorated this place?

Yes. Yes.

Hey, take a look at these decoys.

Every one of them, hand-carved.

bucks apiece. [ Laughs ]

Here, take one.

Oh...

Um, I couldn't. I -- Thank you,

but I wouldn't know what to do with such a valuable...duck.

[ Singsong voice ] Cal, honey...

let's get a cozy fire going.

Oh, well, that's a good idea. I feel like chopping up something.

[ Chuckles ] Not necessary, my friend. Not necessary.

See, we ripped out the old fireplace and replaced it.

It's a Dial-A-Flame for this family.

We toss in aroma chunks.

What about fresh air?

Oh, uh, the dirt. We never open the windows.

Why don't you two get comfortable, and...

we'll go set up your bedroom?

[ Both laugh ]

All right. [ Vocalizes ]

[ Barbie squealing ]

You know that trip we went to Nassau?

Who could forget?

It rained for five days, they lost our luggage, and...

our limbo teacher was sh*t by his wife.

I wish we were there.

[ Voice breaking ] I know.

A couple of yodeling groupies got the last room.

[ Groans ] Well, thanks a million.

No, I understand. If you're booked, you're booked.

This is surprising.

William Shakespeare, Faulkner, Mark Twain?

Whoa! [ Chuckles ]

Well, this is -- This is not surprising.

[ Laughing ] Well, lookit there, Barbie. The country air's

putting a little color in their cheeks already.

I am feeling a little flushed. I --

It's -- it's awfully warm in here with the, uh --

Oh, no! It's just the right temperature

if you're not overdressed!

CALVIN: Oh, did we forget to tell you we're nudists?

Oh, I guess we should have mentioned that we were nudists,

but, uh, you two seem so worldly...

[scoffs] ...we didn't think you'd mind.

We are worldly, but in our world, everyone wears clothes.

I hope you don't expect us to, uh...

follow suit, so to speak.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughing ] Oh, don't worry.

We know that not everybody is as, uh, free-thinking as we are.

[ Gasps ] Cal, honey...

Barbie...

...why don't you open that special bottle of Blue Nun

and I'll bring out some snacks?

Right-o, Barb-o. [ Giggles ]

GEORGE: Now, wait -- Wait a minute, folks.

I don't think we want a b-buffet in the buff.

CALVIN: Hey, hey, hey.

I sense that you two

are a little uncomfortable with our openness.

Well, you could say that. Yes, I mean, I-I personally think

it's wonderful on a beach at Monte Carlo,

but, uh [laughs] right here, in the dairy state, it is, uh...

Hey, don't worry.

We know i-it takes a little getting used to.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, you like these glasses?

Oh, they're beautiful.

Plastic. Last a lifetime.

You know, it has just occurred to me

that Webster spent a lot of time over at your house.

And I hope that while he's been there,

you both have not been, um...

free-thinking?

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

No, no, no, no, no. You see, it's --

It's only when we get out in the country here

that we can really, uh, discard all our cares...

and our clothes.

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

Let's go for a walk. Just a minute.

You mean that you...

had always kind of intended to be...

au naturel in front of the kids this weekend?

Well, sure. You see...

we find that, if we don't make a big issue out of it,

then it -- it's not a big issue.

I mean, after all, it's a very natural thing.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, so are tidal waves and earthquakes,

but I don't want my son to be part of them.

Come on, darling. Let's take a short walk.

Now, George --

No, wait a minute. That's a good idea.

A little fresh air might be good

for all that tension you brought up here with you.

Tension? I didn't bring any tension.

I think you people have a lot of nerve inviting...

We're going for a walk.

[ Scoffs ] Honey...

I'm afraid we won't be showing our movies tonight.

Aw, shucks!

Hey, you want to play hide-and-seek?

I'll count to .

Sure, but you got to count potatoes.

potato, potato, potato, .

potato, potato, potato more.

I'm leaving. potato, potato, potato more.

potato...

...I mean, never in my whole life!

Katherine, will you slow it down, please?

My knee's k*lling me.

I like to think I have a liberal, open mind, you know --

a "live and let live" kind of attitude.

But these people are beyond the pale.

Next thing we're gonna find out is that they're vampires.

Well, they're not vampires, darling.

They have mirrors in their cottage.

Very funny.

Darling, I'm just trying to stand far enough back

to find this all amusing. Remember?

I do remember, and I apologize.

I no longer find the Berkes amusing, okay?

I admit I would rather spend the weekend in a gulag.

Well, we should've been honest with them

when they asked us for the weekend.

And said what?

"We find you boorish, shallow, and insensitive,

but thanks anyway."

Look, I'm sorry that Webster's gonna be disappointed,

but you and I are gonna ask the nature twins to take us home.

At least take us to a bus stop.

Bus? Wait a minute.

[ Door opens ]

Calvin? Barbie? Berkes?

Anybody home?

Probably out looking for a fig leaf.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna look for a sandwich and some earplugs.

It's gonna be a long ride home.

[ Gasps ]

Oh, she wasn't kidding about those Garbage Pail Magnets.

At least they're not naked.

I don't have to have a reason.

Okay, we don't have to play that game.

It's just not that game. I don't want to be here anymore.

But I don't get it. We were having fun.

Maybe you were,

but frankly, Jeffrey, I find you boorish and shallow.

What?

You heard me.

I'd rather spend time in a "gaglog."

You're weird, Webster.

I wish you'd spend time in a gaglog, whatever it is.

Having problems with your best friend, champ?

Oh, he's okay in the city,

but out here, the wildlife affects his brain.

Uh-huh. Can we go home now?

You overheard us talking in the woods, didn't you?

Was that you?

I thought it was just some people

practicing for the Yodelfest.

Champ, we, um...

We're in kind of a bind up here. You see,

we're not hitting it off very well with Jeffrey's parents.

I know.

I thought everyone was gonna have a great time together.

Well, it's disappointing, but...

friends are what you get to choose for yourself.

Now, you and Jeffrey can be friends,

but George and I would rather not play with his parents, okay?

Great. It's real hard not to like a guy

who skips rocks as good as he does.

[ Chuckles ] You can say that again.

Well, I'm gonna go give him my lucky stone for an apology.

Nothing says "I'm sorry" like a gift of granite.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

Oh, there you are.

Look, folks, uh, we've been talking, and, uh,

we think maybe we ought to just wrap up this weekend.

Really? Really?

Uh, we just remembered we have a-a man coming

tomorrow to install mirror tiles in the dining room.

Oh. Come on, honey.

Now, let's be honest, here, huh?

Look, this may hurt a little bit,

but we think maybe you should know how we feel now.

[ Sighs ] Um...

you're just not our kind of people.

Ohh.

Uh, i-it's not the nudity or anything.

I can understand you not wanting to show your bodies.

It's more than that. Well...

we Berkes are fun-timers.

Aw. [ Chuckles ]

Let me get this straight.

You want to finish the weekend right now

because you think we're dull.

In a word, uh...yes.

Oh, but we mean that in the best possible way.

Well, that's a burden we're just gonna have to live with.

[ Sighs ]

I'm sure glad I have you, darling. Mm.

Well, uh, I guess we better get packing, huh, hon?

Mm.

Oh! [ Giggles ]

You know, darling, I never thought

being rejected would feel go good.

Let me get the bags. And we don't have to go on the bus!

[ Laughing ] Yes!

Ma'am? What?

Jeffrey and I made up.

Yeah, he's my best bud again.

Oh, I'm so glad you're re-budded.

Thanks. I'm so happy,

I'm gonna go beg my folks to let you guys stay

the rest of the weekend.Oh, no.

No! No!

[ Theme Song Plays ]