05x08 - George's Brush With Life

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

MAN: ♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

WEBSTER: This is great, Ma'am.

Your high-school scrapbook will help me a lot

with my 's assignment.

What's that weird thing on your head?

My hair.

It's a poodle cut.

Looks more like a wet Airedale to me.

[ Both chuckle ]

Champ, I got it right here --

the 's in a nutshell.

You're gonna love this.

"Huxley High " -- my yearbook.

This stuff is so great.

Oh, look at this. Look at this.

The first thing I look at

is people jammed into a telephone booth.

[ Chuckles ]

Was there a shortage of phones back then?

No, no, no. We just wanted to see

how many people we could get in a telephone booth.

Why?

'Cause it was there.

Oh, look at these Bermuda shorts

and those ugly pointy glasses.

Why did we wear those?

[ Chuckles ] Oh, gosh.

So people wouldn't notice your poodle haircut?

Looks like everything has changed since the 's.

[ Singsong voice ] Not d*ck Clark.

Uncle George, I hate to say this,

but everybody looked kind of nerdy.

Nerdy? Come on. Nerdy?

Okay. You want to see cool?

I'll show you -- I'll show you cool.

How about that? That's cool.

What do you think?

[ Laughs ] Is that you in a jumpsuit?

No, darling. Wrestling uniform.

That's me and the top other four wrestlers at Huxley High.

Gee, you guys looked so mean.

Well, we should look mean.

We practiced looking mean for a week

before we took this picture.

Oh, I think you look kind of cute and substantial --

you know, like

Budweiser Clydesdales in uniform.

Well, say what you want to say, darling,

but we were undefeated our last three years in high school.

Best wrestlers, best friends.

We even lived on the same road together.

You know what they called us?

What?

The Five Horsemen from Hooter Lane.

You look much cooler than the Chess Club, that's for sure.

Oh, you know what?

I have just been thinking about --

I haven't seen those guys --

Boy, you know, I really miss them.

Well, why don't you get in touch with them again

and a have a Hooter Lane reunion?

Katherine, what a brilliant idea.

It's no big deal.

All I have to do is call them on the phone.

You know what? I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna do it right now.

And you know what the good thing about it is, guys?

That when I call them on the phone,

I don't even have to tell them who I am.

All I have to do is this --

[ Howls ]

[ Chuckles ]

Uh, Ma'am?

Was howling a big fad in the 's?

Only in Iowa.

Yes, well, I'm...terribly sorry.

Would you extend my -- my complete sympathy

to the entire family?

Thank you.

Oh, oh, by the way,

I-I'm sorry about that coyote yell.

[ Sighs ] What a beautiful day --

clean, crisp air -- just the kind of day

that makes you feel glad to be alive.

They're all dead.

What?

I'm the only Horseman left.

You mean...? Yes, Katherine.

They've all gone to that big wrestling mat in the sky.

Oh. I'm so sorry.

Oh, George, you must feel awful.

I'm beyond awful.

Oh.

Two heart att*cks, one traffic fatality,

and poor Ted...

Had a freak miniature-golf accident.

Windmill hit him in the head.

[ Laughs ]

Sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, you know.

[ Laughing ] But, I mean a windmill hit him in the head?!

[ Laughs ]

Sweetheart, I don't think that's very funny.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I just had this image of people trying to play through.

Well, I see you're not gonna take this seriously at all.

No, come on, George.

Now, don't blow this out of proportion.

Katherine, there were five Horsemen.

Four beyond the veil.

Don't you think that's a trend?

I'm the only one who hasn't trended.

George, you have to be rational about this.

I mean, you haven't seen those men

for a very long time, you know?

There were a lot of variables about their lives.

And you -- I mean, you don't smoke,

you don't drink,

you don't play miniature golf --

hardly ever.

I guess you're right.

I guess I-I have to put everything in perspective.

Yeah, you do.

And I hope you feel better.

Yes, I do feel better. Good.

Uh, what's wrong?

Oh, George just found out

that all of his wrestling buddies

have, uh, passed on.

Oh.

The Horsemen?

Gee. That's too bad.

All of them?

Yes.

Except you.

Wow.

I guess I'll have to put in my 's report

that a lot of people from the 's

don't make it to the 's.

I'm gonna go upstairs.

Excuse me.

Hi, guys. What's up?

Web, how did that 's scrapbook go over at school?

Oh, pretty good.

Ma'am, the teacher said the snapshot of you

in pedal pushers with the Hula-Hoop

was a classic.

Yes. I was a trendsetter.

Actually, I was the first person

to introduce angora at my prep school.

Mmm. You want some Tofutti?

Uh, no, thanks.

Well, tell us.

How did the teacher like the picture of George

in his Davy Crockett hat?

Well, I never got it from George.

Why not?

Well, when I asked him,

he just stared out the window and mumbled,

"I wonder if Davy Crockett ever made it to ."

Aunt Katherine, is Uncle George okay?

Guys, we're gonna have to try

and be a little patient with George.

All of his friends dying like that

has just gotten him down.

I know.

This morning, he called me his "candle in the darkness."

Wow. That's heavy.

I don't know what it means,

but I'm sure gonna remind him when I need a new bike.

Well, what it means is that he needs us

to just love him a lot until he gets through this phase.

And very soon, he's gonna be back to his old self again.

Have you finished?

GEORGE: Yoo-hoo!

Hello!

Hello.

How's my favorite family?

Well, look at this cute little bundle of energy.

Is this from the niacin or the vitamin C?

No, darling.

I've just been thinking how mopey I've been lately,

and then it came to me -- a solution to everything.

Well, that's wonderful. What is it?

I quit my job.

What do you say we take flying lessons?

You quit your job?

Well, not really.

I took an extended leave of absence.

Wow.

I wonder if I can do that at school.

You already do. It's called summer vacation.

Are you serious?

Yes, I'm serious, darling.

You know, my problem isn't my fear of death.

My problem is putting off life.

This is heavy.

The heaviest.

You know, I made a list of things I would like to do

and it outweighs the things I've done to .

This lone Horseman is gonna do a lot of riding

before he takes off his spurs.

Is that heavy?

I'm not sure.

I'm gonna build a canoe from scratch.

Yay!

Teach Web how to water ski.

All right!

We're gonna need a bigger bathtub.

And a ramp.

Katherine, Katherine,

I'm gonna write that great novel.

And, yes, yes,

we're all gonna take a trip to the Himalayas.

The Himalayas -- cool.

Before we hire a Sherpa guide,

couldn't we just think things through?

Katherine, I have thought this through.

Incidentally, you wouldn't happen to know

where I put my old snowshoes, would you?

Snowshoes?

Yes, Katherine.

You know, a man cannot put off dog sledding forever.

Katherine, I could have sworn I left my snowshoes in here.

George, come and sit down just for a minute, okay?

Sweetheart, I will as soon as I find my snowshoes.

We'll find your snowshoes before it snows.

Now, can we talk?

Talk? Yeah.

Of course we can talk, darling.

Listen, since I have more time,

talking is on my list of things to do.

Oh, good.

We're gonna talk and talk and talk.

Sit up here, sweetheart. Talk.

Thank you.

Oh, darling. Let's talk.

[ Clears throat ]

Well, you've been under a lot of stress lately,

and, uh, if you want to take any time off,

I think it would be terrific.

Oh, I'm glad you're with me on this, sweetheart.

Yeah.

Now, I just want to make sure

that between the hang gliding and the speed skating,

you take time off to put your feet up, too.

Oh, of course, sweetheart. I'm gonna relax.

But that's not the point.

What is the point?

The point is, darling, I haven't accomplished anything.

Oh, George. That's not true.

You're a wonderful father and a husband

and a respected sportscaster and, well, a football legend.

Well, that's true.

But, damn it, Katherine, life is so, so short.

Yes.

And from now on, I'm gonna live every moment I have left.

And that includes my moments with you, sweetheart.

Oh, darling.

Darling.

Mm.

Mmm.

Mm. Mm-mmm.

Mm.

Well, I can't complain about that.

I have to do find my snowshoes.

He was like a whirlwind at the gym.

He took an aerobics class, he swam a mile,

and then he did a half hour on the Lifecycle

while reading a book of poetry.

Well, he's just compensating.

Instead of solving his problems, he's just...

you know, running, cycling, and swimming away from them.

Oh, no. They gave me beans instead of ground.

What are you gonna do about George?

Well, nothing for the moment.

I mean, you can't make a person hear

what he doesn't want to hear until he's ready to hear it.

[ Chuckles ]

I love it when you use that psychological lingo.

I also love these pastries.

Oh, yeah? George made them.

He's taking a French pastry class.

[ Beans cracking ]

How fine do you like yours ground?

Very fine.

[ Guitar strumming off-key ]

Mm-hmm. Good, good.

You got that good. Much better than last week.

Really?

Sure.

And that second chord opens up all kinds of possibilities --

a couple of them musical.

Oh, that's great, Lorenzo.

To tell you the truth,

all my life, I've wanted to be musical.

That's hip, man.

Would you like to hear a couple songs that I wrote last night?

No...problem.

How -- How about one?

Oh, that's great.

Here's -- [ gasps ]

Oh, Lorenzo, look at this -- my snowshoes.

Okay.

Well, you're gonna -- You're gonna like this, Lorenzo.

It's -- It's a pretty good tune.

Well, it's actually not a pretty good tune.

It's -- It's great. [ Chuckles ]

It's my first time.

It's great, though.

[ Guitar plays off-key ]

♪ My life is like a sneaker ♪

[ Guitar strumming ]

♪ Tied up tight and hurts my toes ♪

[ Guitar strumming ]

♪ Tell you what I'm gonna do ♪

♪ I'm gonna get me ♪

♪ I'm gonna get me a new sneaker ♪

♪ And get this ♪

[ Guitar strumming ]

♪ I'm gonna get me some bad, bad looking ♪

♪ Clothes ♪

What do you think?

Well, it's -- it's --

it's not -- it's not --

it's not exactly the blues,

but it does bum me out.

Why don't we push on? It's almost :.

Oh, :! I can't, Lorenzo.

I got a pastry class.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Damn!

I hope those pastries are better than those lyrics.

Web, please.

Don't move right now. This is very critical.

How am I gonna do this if you guys --

you models don't cooperate?

George, could I ask you something?

You've asked me a million questions already.

You've asked me about the clay, you asked me about the tools.

George, this is really, really important.

What is it?

I got to go to the bathroom.

Oh, well, go ahead. Sure. Go to the bathroom.

What about you?

You got to go to the bathroom, too?

I can't. My legs are asleep.

Okay. Let's take it from the top.

Here we go. Ready?

En garde.

Lunge. Recover.

En garde.

Lunge. Recover.

En garde.

Lunge. Reco--

Recover, George. Recover.

Can't we just play?

George, fencing is not like microwave popcorn.

You cannot do it in four minutes.

Jer, come on. I don't want to waste all my time practicing.

Let's have some fun. Let's play a game.

Come on. Come on.

All right. Put on your mask.

[ Clears throat ]

I'm gonna be Zorro.

And you will be Sergeant Garcia, okay?

Okay, Zorro.

You ready?

En garde.

Sucker!

George. George, take it easy.

George, will you lighten up?

This is for taxing the poor peasants!

George, I said, "Lighten up!"

And this is for feeding the beans to my donkeys!

George, this is very unsportsmanlike!

[ Coughing ]

[ Laughs evilly ]

George, what's the matter? I can't breathe.

Katherine!

Katherine, call Dr. Benson!

Katherine!

Thank you so much for coming by.

I know he feels better just having seen you.

What happened to George, Ma'am?

Is he all right?

Yeah, he's okay.

He was just so scared about dying

that he was holding in feelings that he shouldn't have been.

Anyway, when George figured out that he couldn't accomplish

all these things that he had set out to do,

he just panicked.

Kind of like the time I tried to do three book reports

all in one night. [ Laughs ]

Your room looked like a loose-leaf factory in a tornado.

Well, is Uncle George still worried about dying?

No, no. George is as strong as a bull.

But, you know, he still doesn't think

that he's accomplished anything.

He hasn't figured out yet

how much he really has done with his life.

Uh, can we come in?

Yeah, sure. Come on.

We figured you were done napping when the snoring stopped.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, what's up? What's happening?

I just want to show you this, Uncle George.

Oh, it's me. Ol' number .

Look at that. It's great.

Where did you get it?

Well, it's been hanging on the wall in my room back home

since I was five. Really?

See, whenever I do bad in a subject,

or I didn't make a team that I tried out for,

my dad would always say, "Nick-o" --

That's what he used to call me -- "Nick-o."

He'd say, "Nick-o, you've got winning blood in you."

And then he'd point to that picture,

and I'd know it was true.

It gave me hope.

Why don't you hold onto it for a while?

Oh, that's very nice, Nick-o. Thank you.

I got something for you, too, George.

Really?

"George Papadapolis -- Report Card."

[ Laughs ] Yeah.

Kids get them, and they let us know how we're doing.

I thought you ought to know how you're doing.

"A" in friendship, "A" in leadership,

"A" in funny,

"A" in doctoring.

No one takes off a Band-Aid as good as you, George.

[ Chuckles ]

"A" in helping, "A" in cooking,

"A" in roughhousing...

"A"-plus in love.

You really know how to make a guy feel good, don't you?

You're the best, George.

The only "B" I gave you was in singing.

Yeah, well, we'll talk about that later.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, see you later, George.

Thanks a lot, guys.

The Horseman is back.

We're pretty lucky, aren't we?

Yes, we are lucky.

And I just want you to know that

even if you never build a canoe from scratch

or learn to play the guitar,

that we will always, always love you

for what you already are.

Oh, Katherine, you're a poet, too.

Sweetheart, Nick-o brought me a picture,

and Champ brought me a nice report card.

Didn't you bring me anything?

Uh-huh.

I think you're gonna like it, too.

[ Howls ]

[ Theme song plays ]