05x07 - The Strike

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

MAN: ♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

Hyah-ha!

[ Laughs ]

Wow.

Thanks for showing me

all those great wrestling holds, Uncle George.

There's no way I can miss making the team now.

Remember, if you get in any trouble, what are you gonna do?

Papadapolis takedown.

[ Grunts ]

Hi, Aunt Katherine. Hi.

See you after wrestling practice.

Okay, but be careful.

Don't let anyone put their fingers where it hurts.

[ Chuckles ] You know, Katherine,

that advice transcends wrestling.

How about a little massage?

Oh, great. Yeah.

No, me, darling.

[ Grunts ]

You know, that kid is a lot stronger than you think he is.

Really?

Well, you should pick on someone your own size.

Darling, that feels so good. That's great.

Well, what do you say we go and match up our own tag team?

Ooh. Well, I just have about minutes.

I guess that's okay.

Tag, you're it!

All right.

Hey, guys.

Whoop, we've been pinned.

Can I have $ for the movies, please?

We may get a reprieve.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Movies? Come on, this is a weekday.

How about your homework?

Going to the movies is my homework.

Last week it was bowling, this week it's movies.

What's next week, the circus?

Well, hopefully that's for the finals.

You know, Mr. Simpson is so great.

You can never really tell he's a teacher.

Whatever happened to reading, writing, and arithmetic?

Oh, George, there are a lot of different ways to teach.

And everyone knows the greatest teachers

are Socrates and Big Bird.

Uh, excuse me, Ma'am, but, um, I need more money.

Popcorn is a requirement for math.

Okay, here.

Thank you.

Oh, gee, a dollar for basic math.

Just think what I'll get for algebra.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

Katherine, what's with this teacher?

He doesn't have any homework.

Well, Mr. Simpson is a little unorthodox,

but the kids love him,

and they're really excited about working with him.

Speaking of excited...

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Russian accent ] What is going on here?

I cannot just believe I have got to say this again.

I will not have this kind of behavior in my classroom.

Honk, honk! [ Laughter ]

[Normal voice ] Just because I come walking into class,

you do not have to stop talking.

Here is the thing --

You were exchanging ideas.

That's good, come on!

Danny, you and Webster

looked like you were into something heavy.

Well, I guess so.

Uh, I still think the best thing about "Roxanne"

was when the guy got blown up and eaten by the fire.

That was the best part. It was not!

It was so! Was not!

Was so! Was not!

Was so! Hold it, Siskel and Ebert.

Did you know that the movie "Roxanne"

was based upon the play "Cyrano de Bergerac"

that was written almost years ago?

Wow.

No wonder Steve Martin had gray hair.

[ Laughter ]

All right.

Does anybody want to talk about the assignment?

Ounces and pounds,

a weighty issue.

I thought the issue was to butter or not to butter.

[ Laughs ]

That's good.

Two honks -- honk, honk!

All right, you remember your Shakespeare.

I want to know what you learned about math.

Danny.

There are ounces in a pound.

So, how many ounces in a -pound tub of corn?

x .

Which is...?

!! !!

Yes. And, if I have pounds of candy, what have I got?

A toothache.

Yeah.

But how many ounces worth?

Well, that'd be x ,

which would give you .

And you need that much candy

when you sit next to Linda Lautner.

[ Italian accent ] Bravo! Bravissimo!

Who said that weights and measures has got to be boring?

Fattening, maybe, but boring, never.

All right, class...

Eat your homework.

All right!

Yeah!

All right, where we?

Alfred, Lord Tennyson,

"The Charge of the Light Brigade."

[ Laughter ] I've got it.

"Theirs not to make reply, Theirs not to reason why

"Theirs but to do and die.

"Into the valley of Death rode the .

"Cannon to the right of them.

[ Rumbling ]

"Cannon to the left of them.

[ Rumbling ]

Cannon in front of them Volleyed and thundered"

[ Rumbling ]

I'll say.

Gee, I could almost feel the valley of Death

right under my seat.

[ Rumbling ]

Hey, what the heck is that?

All right, class, don't panic.

I'm the teacher, I'll panic.

[ Rumbling ]

Oh [ scoffs ]

Bulletin! Bulletin!

That was not literature coming alive,

it was a building going down.

Which is a perfect example of Newton's Law.

His law of gravity, which, simply stated,

is what goes up...

must come down.

[ Rumbling ]

Hey, I've got an idea.

Let's go see it!

All right!

I mean let's go take a look close-up and personal.

Why explain when you can experience?

Is that another law?

Yes, it's mine.

Get out!

Hup two! Hup two!

Whoa!

[ Chuckles ]

Ah.

Food for thought.

Hup two! Hup two!

Quite a delightful repast, Ma'am.

Well, thank you.

Your phrasing is quite delightful, too.

Mr. Simpson said it was a classy way of saying "yumm-o."

Well, he's right.

Reading, writing, 'rithmetic, and repast.

English is turning out to be one of my best subjects.

So I saved this for dessert.

Wow.

There are more A's on here than an auto-club card.

Well, that's great, champ.

Oh, and one "B."

Hope it doesn't stand for "Bad."

Well, I think I was pretty fair.

I mean, I could've given myself an "A" in history, too,

but I don't think I really deserved it.

Wait a minute, cowboy, back that wagon up.

What do you mean, you graded your own report card?

Sure.

You gave yourself an "A"?

Yeah, it was Mr. Simpson's idea.

Yeah, but how are we supposed to know how you're doing in school

if you grade your own report card?

See, George...

It's like this, see.

We're on an honor system.

I tried bribing myself, but it really didn't work.

Why doesn't that comfort me?

Well, self-grading isn't necessarily a bad idea,

'cause kids are often harder on themselves.

Oh, Web.

Please tell me that you're not hiding kittens

in your bedroom again.

No, Ma'am.

See, we're doing liquid measures.

Last week, I got to eat my homework.

Tonight, I drink it.

Oh.

Kind of hard to come by homework

that is both educational and nutritional.

[ Knock on door ]

Hiya, Kathy.

Ooh, hey, that's a great look for you.

Thanks, Woody.

Big guy.

Hey, listen, I hope I'm not interrupting

your dinner or anything.

I know how late you working mothers feed your families.

Well, if we feed them at all.

What's up, Feldman?

It's that pathetic excuse our kids have for a teacher,

Mr. Simpson?

Did you know he took the class on a field trip

to a construction site?

I didn't give him permission.

Did you give him permission?

No.

Exactly! They could have all been k*lled.

Now, here's the really bad news.

My son, Danny, who will one day be at Yale,

failed two subjects.

Oh, Woody...

I don't understand it. He's such a hard worker.

Well, he must be a hard grader, too.

The kids, they graded their own report cards.

Oh, no, that's impossible. [ Chuckles ]

I just told you, he failed.

Well, maybe he was being honest.

Oh, that's not likely.

Oh, that's it.

That's it.

I'm calling an emergency meeting of the PTA.

Oh, listen, as co-chairmen --

Sorry, co-chairpeople,

I trust you will be there.

I'm gonna recommend that this wacko get the axe!

Woody, there's a radical new concept,

it's called fairness.

Can't we hear his side of the story?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Sure.

Okay. Of course.

Then we'll give him the axe.

Mrs. Foley, just because I read to them out loud

does not mean I don't have them read, too.

Listening to literature is one of life's pleasures.

Oh, yeah? [ Scoffs ]

Well, I don't send my kid to school for pleasure.

School is supposed to be boring. It's a tradition.

And a damn fine one, if you ask me.

Am I right?

Well, Woody, if you would like to continue a boring tradition,

I move that we stick to Robert's Rules of Order

and let Mr. Simpson finish.

Do I have a second? MAN: Right here.

Thank you. Thank you.

And, as I was saying, by reading to them,

I'm exposing them to great works of literature.

Reading aloud does not have to end with "The Cat in the Hat."

Uh! Mm!

The chair recognizes Woody Feldman.

Thank you, Madam Kathy.

You think you could've gotten any smaller chairs?

We have a crisis here.

Now, Simpson, I would personally like to know

how you could allow my son, Danny --

who, I might add,

was potty-trained at months --

to fail himself in two subjects.

Danny felt that he did not understand some of the material.

He was being honest.

Honest?

I want him to be a lawyer, not a saint.

[ Clears throat ]

Uh, Mrs. Chair recognizes Mr. Chair.

Mr. Simpson, I understand

you took our children to a construction site

without permission slips?

Yes, I did,

because I saw a wonderful opportunity

to watch physics in action and I grabbed it.

Yeah, but s-s-suppose there had been an accident.

You can certainly understand our concern, Mr. Simpson.

Of course I can.

But they were never in any danger whatsoever.

Unless you consider a little knowledge

to be a dangerous thing.

Now, I think we should all thank Mr. Simpson very much

for coming in and giving us your time.

We appreciate it a lot. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

And thanks to all of you for hearing me out.

And, please, believe me --

I am just as concerned

about your children's education as you are.

Good night.

[ Applause ]

I, for one, am very, very impressed.

I mean, I think he cares a lot about teaching.

He's very devoted,

and I think he's inspiring our children.

I say we fire him.

[ Parents murmuring ]

George?

I second it.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Ma'am.

Uh-oh.

Is this a mid-afternoon sugar low,

or are you talking about your teacher again?

Our new teacher just gives us busy work.

I know.

He just makes us copy things that's already written down.

I know.

Sure miss Mr. Simpson.

I know.

I just wish there was something we could do about it.

Oh, I don't know,

you could talk to your principal.

Tell him how you feel.

Principal Blaine is just a loud voice over a speaker.

Oh, I'm sure there's a body attached there somewhere.

Nothing ever gets done unless somebody talks about it.

[ Garbage disposal whirs ]

Just look it up in your history book.

It's the "Declaration of Independence,"

not the "Grumbling for Independence."

So, check it out.

You know what, maybe Ma'am's right.

Remember what Washington said at Valley Forge?

What? Give me a minute,

it's in here somewhere.

ALL: Two, four, six, eight,

Simpson's class was really great!

English, science, history,

Simpson's gone and so are we!

Two, four, six, eight,

Simpson's class was really great!

English, science, history,

Simpson's gone and so are we!

Two, four, six, eight --

BLAINE: This is your principal speaking!

Your parents have all been called.

You have three minutes to return to your classroom.

Hey, where are you going?

Didn't you hear him? He called my father.

If I don't get back in class, I'll be grounded till college.

Sorry, Web.

Say, well, what about you guys?

Tomorrow we have to copy Washington's farewell address.

[ All groan ]

Come on!

Three, five, seven, nine,

we're staying on the picket line!

Two, four, six, eight,

Simpson's class was really great!

English, science, history,

Simpson's gone and so are we!

Two, four, six, eight,

Simpson's class was really great!

Webster, your principal just called me.

What is all this?

Ma'am, I hope you're not angry or anything,

but you told us we should let out our feelings.

Well, I meant out in the open, not out in the streets.

You! Whoa!

You put them up to this.

Mr. Blaine, I did no such thing.

I simply suggested that they ask for a meeting.

Did you ask for a meeting?

Yes, Ma'am, we did.

Well?

W-w-well, I-I-I-I...

Mrs. Papadapolis,

a principal is a very busy man,

and I had a full schedule

and this strike was not on my agenda.

Well, they seldom are.

But maybe if you'd met with the kids,

they wouldn't be having a strike.

They are adorable, though, aren't they?

The little signs, the little songs.

They're so enthusiastic!

Still, you do have a problem.

Mrs. Papadapolis, please,

I couldn't get their teacher back even if I wanted to.

Oh, why?

Because the parents would have your head?

Um, speaking of which, are you ill,

or do you always perspire this much?

Only when my world is crumbling. [ Chuckles ]

Mrs. Papadapolis, you know what the Board of Ed will say

when they hear about this?

No.

I-I-I don't deserve this.

I took the candy machine out of the cafeteria.

I've been a good principal!

Wonderful.

But maybe you've lost touch with the kids.

I mean...

All right, boys and girls, it's time to go back to class.

Boys and girls, would you --

Please.

Uh, Mr. Blaine!

Just hang on. Just a sec, kids.

Mr. Blaine, what if we could prove to the parents

that Mr. Simpson was really teaching well

and that the kids were learning well?

We were learning.

You can't believe how much we were learning.

That's just the point --

He never tested them. He never graded them.

Well, then, test them and grade them.

I mean, you kids are willing

to be tested and graded, aren't you?

No.No. No.No.

Hang on, guys! Let Ma'am speak.

I mean, come on, if you want Mr. Simpson back,

you've got to be tested

and you have to do very, very well.

Now, if they do do very well on the test,

can we get Mr. Simpson back?

If they do very well, I'll certainly recommend

to the board that he be rehired.

What do you say?

ALL: Yeah!

Back to class, boys and girls.

Thanks, Ma'am! See you later.

If I can handle th graders like this,

then the Middle East will be a piece of cake.

Could I borrow that?

Taxi!

And to Webster's class,

who knew how many rode into the valley of Death,

and who scored incredibly high on the curriculum tests.

Now, wait a minute,

are you sure they didn't grade their own papers?

Absolutely. I love to be right.

Mm!

[ Chuckles ]

Mmm.

Katherine, this is borscht.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, Katherine, why would you put borscht in a wine glass?

'Cause you can't toast in a soup bowl.

[ Sniffs ] You like it?

It's, uh... It's got an interesting bouquet.

Yeah. It's real hardy yet not quite...

Good?

That's the word.

Oh, well, even bad borscht can't ruin my day.

I mean, Mr. Simpson is back. Webster is ecstatic.

"Ecstasy" being a relative term.

Mr. Blaine offered Mr. Simpson his job back,

but he wouldn't take it.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Oh, hi, Mr. Simpson.

Hi, Mr. Papadapolis. How are you?

I'm fine, thank you. How are you?

Good, thanks. Come on in.

Oh, thank you.

Would you -- would you like something to drink?

Oh, no. I'm fine, thanks.

Sit down. Thank you.

No, I just came by to speak to Web and your wife,

and thank them for their efforts on my behalf.

Oh, that's nice, but they're gone.

Web was feeling a little down, so Katherine took him over

to a Three Stooges retrospective.

[ Imitates Stooge ] Nyah, good move.

[ Normal voice ] I caught it last night.

These are the good ones, without Shemp.

Well, you know, if anyone can put a smile

on Web's face, it's Curly.

He was down 'cause you didn't want your job back.

No, I really wanted it. I love to teach.

It's just, I couldn't accept the terms.

They want me to shuffle papers

for their bureaucracy on my teaching time.

Permission slips, tests...

Tests are just a rite of passage.

We all survive them.

And permission slips?

Well, I think a parent has the right to know

where a child is.

True.

I have to admit,

I didn't go along with your policies,

but those test results were excellent.

Yeah, kind of thought they would be.

Well, you have a great talent, Mr. Simpson.

Kids really love you,

and I'm sure you could help a lot of those kids.

But you can't do it if you quit.

[ Door opens ]

I didn't even laugh

when the oyster squirted Curly in the face, Ma'am.

Well, darling, in some cultures,

that's considered a sign of maturity.

Mr. Simpson.

Hi, Mr. Simpson.

Hi, Web. Hi, Mrs. Papadapolis.

I came by to thank you both for all your work on my behalf.

I really appreciate it.

Oh, I had the same feeling

right after the McGovern campaign.

Webster, listen.

I was just talking to your dad,

and he taught the teacher something.

The Papadapolis Takedown?

[ Chuckles ] No.

That you cannot accomplish anything by quitting.

So hang on to your popcorn, young man,

you're gonna need it for class on Monday.

This is better than McGovern.

You mean you're staying?

That's the thing.

All right!

[ Theme song plays ]