04x23 - What Price Friendship?

[bunniefuu]

Whoa.

It istrue you guys never sleep.

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

MAN: ♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in ♪

♪ Line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

These are the invitations for the Women's Foundation dinner.

I know, I know. It's the tribute to Gloria Steinem.

, invitations at $ a plate should bring in $,.

There's a lot of work here.

Don't they give the chairperson some help?

Sure. I
-I mean, Margie's taking care of the food.

And Joanne is selling ads, you know, in the Journal.

George, the honorary chairperson is supposed to help stuff,

stamp, and seal the envelopes.

Good.

Wait a minute. What am I saying good for?

I'm the honorary chairperson.

Katherine, since when is the honorary chairperson

supposed to do this?

Since I organized the dinner.

Well, okay. [ Chuckles ]

I guess I'll do it
-
-

if you don't mind a little envelope breath.

Maybe I'll make Web honorary chair
-child.

That way he'll help me.

You know, that's a pretty good idea.

I think he wants something from us today.

How can you tell?

Well, he came straight home from school...

and he went right upstairs to do his homework.

Yeah. Okay.

And then a few minutes later, he came downstairs

just to tell me that my dress looked wonderful with my eyes.

Oh. Maybe he's looking for a bike or a computer.

Then, on the way back up the stairs, he...

[ Smooches ] ...blew me a kiss.

It's definitely over bucks.

He's gonna start complimenting you,

and then he's gonna go for the big sell.

Hi, guys.

Whoa, George!

Nice shirt! Mm.

You know, it really brings out your, uh...

nose.

[ Chuckles ]

Yes, Egyptian cotton will do that.

Anyway, when I came home, I did my homework,

I made up my bed, and hung up my clothes real neat.

Then I started listening to my transistor radio.

Yeah. Well, a hardworking guy needs to unwind.

I figured you'd want me to stop listening

because bad speakers can be harmful to your health.

Well, you used to have a great, great radio

that you earned when you were selling candy.

Oh.

Well, I loaned it to Freddy,

who loaned it to Jimmy, who loaned it to Stewie,

who moved to Guam.

So...

You have a brochure.

Maxi
-mini personal headphone cassette player

with a built
-in AM and FM radio.

How much?

Auto reverse, AC adapter,

and an equalizer.How much?

It comes in a sleek
-ounce package.

How much?

$.

Ooh.

That's $ an ounce.

Not exactly sevruga caviar, but still expensive.

Well, the one that I really wanted cost bucks.

Look at all the money you're saving.

We could buy this for you.

Yay!

And then you could pay us back.

Oh.

Because you never appreciate anything

as much as when you've earned it yourself.

Well, your parents gave you everything youever wanted.

This is true, and I didn't appreciate any of it.

Oh. Except...the Ferrari.

What kind of shape is your tongue in?

Great. I ate peanut butter all week.

Mm. Why?

Because we want to make you the official envelope licker

for the Gloria Steinem tribute.

And, because you know me,

I'm gonna give you four cents an envelope.

How does that sound?

Sounds like a deal.

Okay.

Well, I'm gonna get some water

so my tongue can get good and juicy.

[ Laughs ]

Pick
-pick...lick
-lick...

stick
-stick...

slide!

Whoo!

[ Snaps fingers ] All right.

Pick
-pick...lick
-lick...

stick
-stick...

slide!

Whoo!

That was a good one. That was a good one.

Pick
-pick...lick
-lick...

stick
-stick...

slide!

[ Snaps fingers ] Whoo!

So, how's it going, champ?

Oh, it's going great.

I sent in the C.O.D. order for a cassette player.

Soon I'll be listening to the sound of my main man,

Morris Day. Yeah.

You're gonna feel good knowing you paid for it yourself.

It would be better if I had it now,

'cause you could use it to practice your speech for Ma'am's event.

I'm not speaking at Ma'am's event.

Well, then there must be another George Papadapolis.

Where?

[ Gasps ]

Katherine?

Lick
-lick...

stick
-stick...

slide!

Whoo!

Katherine, can we huddle for a minute, please?

Sure.

If I get to slap your bottom when we're finished.

You bet.

Explain this to me.

It appears that one of the guest speakers is George Papadapolis.

Well, sure.

The honorary chairperson is expected to say something.

Oh, I will.

I'll
-
- I'll say, "Nice to be here. "Let's eat."

Oh. Um... [ Clears throat ]

Honey, I'm sorry if I didn't make myself clear,

but, I mean... you give speeches all the time.

What's the big deal?

Yeah, darling, but that's at sports banquets.

Yeah.

Um...

George, we need you.

When a man of your background and accomplishments

praises a feminist, i
-it just...

helps knock down walls, you know?

It just tells all those macho men out there

that we're not a thr*at, that what we're about is equality.

Okay, okay. I'll do it.

But I don't think I'll be so good at this.

You know, I usually talk about touchdowns,

slam dunks, and home runs.

Oh, but, honey, all you have to do is think about, um,

degrees earned, honors won, books published.

Yeah.

I guess I could plug Gloria Steinem

into a Willie Shoemaker speech.

Here you go.

Thanks.

Hey, look who's on the cover of Music Maker.

Robbie and the Dunmen?

What a joke.

I mean, last month they were pretty hot.

Now they're barf city. Yeah.

No one cool listens to them anymore.

How do you know?'Cause we don't.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Hey, lend me a dollar. I want to buy this.

Can't, man. I'm broke, too.

Hi, guys. How's it going?

Okay. Okay.

Hi, Benny.

Hey, Webster! Have a seat and cool your dogs.

Can I have a pack of Big Bite bubble gum?

Good choice.

You always get more bubble for your trouble.

Say, fill me in.

Who are those two hombres by the barbecue potato chips?

Are you kidding?

That's David and Joey,

the two coolest kids in the whole school.

They hang out in here, maybe my business will pick up.

They were the first kids in school

to ever wear stone
-washed jeans.

Yeah?

That must be pretty noisy in the dryer.

[ Laughs ]

So, um, how much do I owe you?

Two bits.

All right. Let's see.

Can you break a ?

A ?

You must have the richest tooth fairy in town.

No. I got paid major bucks to work for my parents.

When I get my new cassette player,

me and my ears are gonna be three happy people.

Whoa. Look at Mr. Moneybags.

Poor guy. Maybe we better give him a hand.

It's gonna be kind of tough

spending all that money all alone.

Hey, Webster, old buddy, what's shakin'?

Oh. I thought there was another Webster around here somewhere.

[ Laughs ] Hey, that's funny. Isn't that funny?

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

How come we never noticed how funny you were before?

Probably because the only time you talk to me in school

is to say, "Pass the ketchup."

Oh, ketchup! Hey, that's fresh!

Well, we're gonna see the new Destructor movie.

You want to come with?

You mean go to the movies with you guys

and sit in the same row and everything?

Sure. It'll be great.

The D
-man blows away bikers, g*ng members,

and the whole Russian army.

And that's just in the opening credits.

Hey, this sounds great.

I mean fresh, dude.

Come on. Let's go.

Oh, wow. I forgot.

I don't have any money.

You don't? I was gonna lean on you.

Mega
-disaster, man.

Too bad. It could've been radical.

Say, guys, I can pay for the tickets.

You could?

You'd do a cool thing like that?

Sure. You know, so we can all go.

All right, Web. You're one fresh dude.

All right!

We'll make it up to you next time.

Promise.

Okay.

Would you guys like some Big Bite?

Yeah. Okay.

WEBSTER: Are you guys sure you don't want to come in?

I've got a lot of neat stuff we can mess around with.

Nah, not today, Web.

My arms are real sore from the batting cage.

Thanks for all those quarters.

I just can't believe I left my money at home again.

Thanks for the video arcade and all those burrito burgers.

Yeah. It was radical.

You guys aregonna pay me back, aren't you?

Oh, sure, man.

We'll make it up to you and then some.

Yeah. We're getting our allowances soon.

Catch you later.

All right. See you later. Bye.

Cool dudes.

Web?

I thought I heard you talking to your friends.

Oh, I was. But they just left.

Oh, shucks.

I wanted to know what an awesome, outrageous,

radical dude really looked like.

Don't worry, Ma'am. You'll get your chance.

I'll be hanging out with them every day.

Oh? What happened to the old g*ng

of, um, Norman, Roger, and the Gerbil?

The Weasel, Ma'am.

You haven't forgotten those friends, have you?

No. They're still my friends.

They're just not as fresh as these dudes.

I've always valued freshness in friends myself.

Hello, hello.

Mm. Oh, George!

Car wash day. Did I get lucky?

In fact, I did bring home a little ditty.

[ Chuckles ]

"The Chipmunks Sing the Best of the Stones."

Hmm.

Yeah. You can listen to it on your new tape player.

My tape player?

You've forgotten the appliance

you said you couldn't live without?

Oh, no. I
-It's just that I can't wait.

Is that, uh, barbecue that I smell?

I'm making a cake.

Well, I think you'd better check your recipe.

There's no recipe.

I'm improvising.

Gee.

I wish C.O.D. meant "Costs Only a Dollar."

KATHERINE: George, I've just finished

a few notes about Gloria.

Just a few random thoughts

that might help you with the speech.

A few random thoughts?

Darling, I know people who wrote less than this

in four years of college.

[ Chuckles ] But she's such a dynamic woman.

See? Look. This is when she was in college.

Phi Beta Kappa.

Co
-founder of Ms.magazine,

and these are all the books written.

A lot of them. Very prolific author.

I know.

Oh, and at the back... [ Clears throat ]

...I took the liberty of writing just a few jokes,

you know, to help everybody get loosened up.

"How many sexists does it take to do the laundry?"

"Four
-
- one to do it,

and three to complain that it's women's work."

[ Laughs ]

They'll be rolling in the aisles.

Hi, Ma'am.

Hi, George.

Are there any more envelopes for me to stuff?

I'm ready.

I've finally digested all the glue.

[ Chuckles ] No, sweetheart.

We've finished the envelopes.

The only thing left is the ice sculpture.

Well, maybe I can do that.

I built a great snowman last year.

It would've lasted till Easter

if George hadn't backed over him.

The rearview mirror fogged up.

Why are you job
-hunting?

I thought you'd made all the money you needed.

Well, I did.

But I should save some for junior high, you know.

They make you buy your own gym shorts.

Yeah. I know what you mean.

Same thing at my school
-
-

We had to buy our own sweatsuits.

But, of course, we called them "perspiration ensembles."

Fine.

I'm going down to Benny's.

He's restocking his gum ball machine,

and he gives me the extras.

Well, I've got a lot to do if I'm gonna write that speech.

Oh, George, wait.

I have another joke.

Now, this one is about the chauvinist

and the farmer's daughter.

BENNY: Check out the tapes I just got in.

"Demolition Love," "Nuclear Pizza,"

and... "My Girlfriend's a Dork."

They'll go great with your new cassette player.

Oh.

I'm gonna have to cancel that.

I don't get it.

You told me it was more important

than your cup of actual dust from Wrigley Field.

Yeah, but, see, I spend most of my time with David and Joey.

I'll hardly have time to play with it.

Plus, it would be a waste of money.

Mm. Financial responsibility.

Well, you let me know how it works out.

I may give it a try myself.

Hey, Web, my man.

High five, dude.

All right.

What's happening, guys?

Do you like miniature golf?

Except with Ma'am.

See, last time she went,

she got her earrings caught in the windmill.

Oh, great. Then let's split.

Wait, guys.

I'm... I'm kind of, uh, broke.

You don't have any money?

Well, I spent all my savings on you guys.

I guess it's your turn today.

Gee, Web, we're a little light.

Well, I guess we can hang out here, then.

Oh, hey, um, I just remembered.

We've got to get to the grand opening

of the new skateboard shop.

All right. That's great. Let's go.

Sorry, Web
-
- by invitation only.

But, guys
-
-See you in the cafeteria.

All right, sweetheart. Here it is.

This is the little speech.

Oh, good. This is, uh...

This is the wholespeech?

Honey, the place cards are longer than this.

Well, honey, hopefully this is more interesting.

Sit down, and I'll, uh... [ Clears throat ]

Okay. I'm all ears.

In sports, it doesn't matter who or what you are.

Effort and performance are the only things that count.

That's how it should be in life.

And thanks to people like Gloria Steinem,

someday it will be.

Gloria isn't a woman who's done great things.

She's a person who's done great things.

She's someone that I would like on my team.

I'd take a helmet in the kidneys for her any day of the week.

Thank you.

Oh, George.

You didn't like it?

I didn't like it. I love it!

Phew. Good.

Oh, honey, it's...

It's great! [ Laughs ]

You just never stop surprising me.

I was gonna add another sentence like, uh,

"No one should be sitting on the bench of ignorance,"

but I thought it was a bit forced.

You know one of the things I love about you?

You just cut right through all that pretense

and go to the heart of it.

[ Laughs ]

"Sitting on the bench of ignorance."

That's good.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, we have been good for each other, haven't we?

I mean, before you, I never would've, uh, had popcorn in bed

or wouldn't be seen dead wearing a sweatshirt in public.

And I never went to see Abbott and Costello movies.

Yeah, you were in pretty bad shape, sweetheart.

But you've opened up a few doors for me, too.

Oh, no.

Yeah. Well, what have I done?

Well, symphonies and art shows.

The only ballet I ever saw was Walt Disney's hippos.

And you know what, sweetheart?

As much
-
- As much as I believe in equal rights,

I would have never
-
- I would have never met Gloria Steinem.

Well, you see, we complement each other.

Like...champagne and caviar.

I would've said ham and eggs.

Are you trying to sneak past us?

I wasn't sneaking, Ma'am.

I was just trying to walk without making any noise.

[ Doorbell rings ]

How you doing, guy?

Uh, C.O.D. package for Webster Long?

Oh, Web, it's your cassette player.

Back that Brinks truck up!

Look at how excited he is. [ Chuckles ]

He's frozen.

Listen, I'm, uh, double
-parked next to a police car.

Could I get someone at room temperature

to just pay me for this thing?

KATHERINE: Oh, yeah. Sure. Come on, honey. Come on.

He's delivering a cassette player, not a report card.

GEORGE: Yeah. Come on.

My money's not here.

Where is it?

It's at the batting cage, the movies, video arcade.

What?

I was gonna cancel my order.

Are you saying that you have spent all the money

running around with your friends?

Those guys aren't my friends.

They just liked me because I was paying for everything.

[ Up
-tempo music playing ]

[ Knock on door ]

Come in!

Hi.[ Music continues ]

Could you turn that down a little bit?

Could you turn that down a little bit?

[ Music stops ]

Oh.

How's it going? How do you feel?

Like an all
-day sucker.

Those guys gave you a bum steer.

Well, it'll never happen again.

I'll never do anything for anyone ever again.

I don't think that's the answer.

I think you just choose friends
-
-

awesome, radical dudes
-
-

that don't put a price on friendship.

Yeah, like Roger, Norman, and Tommy.There you go.

Yeah, and just consider this as one of life's lessons.

Boy. How come those aren't any fun?

Well, it wasn't all that bad.

I mean, you did learn things at the batting cage

and the video arcade and the movies.

Yeah, but those guys promised me they'd pay me back.

I could've bought my tape player.

No, no, no, no, 'cause you spent some money on yourself.

I guess you're right.

That's part of growing up
-
- you know, making choices.

Choose one thing, you've got to give up another.

Boy, I don't know if I can afford another life lesson.

This one cost me a tape player.

No, no, no, no.

[ Laughs ]

You guys got it?Yeah.

Oh, boy!

You guys are the greatest!

Now, remember, Saturday I want you to help me on the garage.

Yeah, and there's major silverware to be polished.

There's a few other things to do around the house.

I'll do it. I'll do all of them!

Thank you! Thank you!

You guys are fresh.

Webster will be back in a moment.

[Webster laughing]

Good night, Suzie. Thanks a million.

[ Yawns ]

What a great evening, Katherine. Yes, it was.

Although the ice sculpture

didn't look a bit like Susan B. Anthony.

More like Willie Nelson.

Gloria really liked you, though, and she loved your speech.

That Gloria Steinem.

She's really a pretty chick.

It's a joke. It's a joke.

Come on.

Hi, guys.GEORGE: Hey.

What's up?

Suzie said you went to bed early.

I know. [ Laughs ]

She's the easiest sitter to fool yet.

Let's hire her all the time.

[ Laughs ]

[ Theme song plays ]