04x12 - Secrets

[bunniefuu]

Ma'am?

Oh, Ma'am, come look what I did.

¿Qué pasa?

Look how I cleaned up my room.

Ooh! Nice.

Very, very nice.

Hmm.

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

MAN: ♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in ♪

♪ Line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

WEBSTER: Coast is clear, George.

I checked all the windows and doors.

Good.

Now, hang onto yourself

because I'm gonna give you the secret ingredient

to the famous Papadapolis beef stroganoff.

[ Giggles ]

Ketchup? Shh!

This place could be bugged.

Taste that.

Mmm! It's really good, George.

Yes! Yes, I knew you'd love it.

You'd better get dressed.

Okay, George.

Oh!

Say, George, is your new boss

still bringing his son along tonight?

Oh, I'm glad you brought that up.

Since he's going to your school now,

will you
-
- will you help him out?

Sure, I'll even teach him how to talk to the school nurse

without staring at the wart on her eyelid.

Hi, honey. Oh, sorry I'm late.

I ran into Frankie Delisle in the parking lot.

Adding to his car
-stereo collection?

George. Now, the kid has changed.

Tonight he got all misty
-eyed,

and he told me that I reminded him

of the first person he'd ever mugged.

It sounds like you two have something very special.

We're working on it.

Maybe I should set the table.

You're not nervous about tonight, are you?

Oh, why, darling?

Just because my new boss, Bill "The Hatchetman" Johnson,

is coming over to watch our every move?

[ Chuckles ] No.

Maybe I'd better change into something more conservative.

How about the black leather with the, uh, spikes and chains?

Ooh.

No, darling, it hasn't come back from the welder's yet.

Rats.

If you boys would like some more dessert,

there's pie in the refrigerator,

and I left the whipped cream out.

All right! All right!

Your parents let you use the whipped
-cream can unsupervised?

Sure. See, I started out on cheese spray,

and I worked my way up.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, I must say, everybody at Channel

has been very friendly.

Thank you.

This is my third free meal this week.

Well, they're very excited about the fact that you're,

you know, with us now, and...

frankly, they're a little curious about your plans.

Oh. Well, uh, I think a little reorganization is in order.

You know, separating the wheat from the chaff.

By the way, Katherine, this is very good coffee.

Oh.

Just, uh, exactly, uh,

what do you mean by "chaff"?

Well, you know, the bozos. The dead wood.

Uh, take, uh, Fritz, your weatherman, for example.

Five minutes of tap
-dancing around the forecast

with those little cartoons and costume?

[ Chuckles ] I agree.

But people really like him,

and his first
-robin
-of
-spring costume is a classic.

I don't know how he talks

with that big rubber worm dangling from his mouth.

Well, Fritz may be bob, bob, bobbin' along real soon.

Do you, um...

Do you expect to make a lot of, um, changes?

I just broke in my, uh, chair three weeks ago.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

Oh, that's a joke! [ Laughs ]

Good, George.

No, my plan is TTF.

"Trim the fluff."

Enough stations have silly news.

If you want laughs, you go to the circus.

We are gonna tap that hard
-news market.

Well, you know, George has a really good idea

for a sports
-editorial segment.

Oh, y
-yes.

You know, I was thinking, like,

maybe once a week, for five minutes,

we could get to the serious side of sports.

Hang on, George.

Look, I
-I love your enthusiasm,

but with me, it's WID.

WID?

"Write it down."

The test of a good idea is if it looks good on paper.

I'm a memo man.

Sorry, but the nozzle got stuck.

Now, don't misunderstand me, George.

My mind is open to any sound idea.

Well, in fact, even Ricky here

had a great idea just last year.

Did he write you a memo?

Of course. And smart, too.

Stuck it to my steering wheel.

It was my idea for the reporters to wear orange blazers

to catch people's attention.

Orange?

How vibrant.

It's a small thing, but it was worth a ratings point.

My little ratings booster.

You know, it has been my experience

that the people who work at the stations

don't have ideas half as good as Ricky's.

Come on, guys. Let's go and hit the monkey bars.

Hey, Ricky. Over here.

Guys, this is Ricky Johnson. He's new in town.


- This is Roger.
- Hi.

And this is Tommy the Weasel.

The Weasel?

Where'd you get a name like that?

My mother.

You guys can go ahead.

I'm gonna stay here with, uh, Ricky.

He's having the meatloaf jubilee.

Someone should be here just in case he stops breathing.

ROGER: All right. See you later.


- Bye.
- All right.

Nice guys.

Yeah.

Say, we're going to the movies Saturday.

You want to come along?

Oh, I'd love to!

But I've got that history assignment.

Well, you mean the one on a president?

It's not due until Monday.

I know, but I'm having a problem with mine.

I don't feel like doing it.

Well, that isa problem. [ Chuckles ]

Not if someone does it for me.

Right.

But what sucker is gonna be dumb enough to do that?

[ Chuckles ]

You.

[ Chuckles ]

You're joking, aren't you?

Does this sound like I'm joking?

Number one, your father works for mine.

Number two, my father loves my ideas.

And three, if you don't do my homework,

one of my ideas will be to have your father fired.

ROGER: You got to come to the movie with us, Webster.

It could be the scariest thing we've ever seen.

Except for my last report card.

I can't, Roger.

I haven't started Ricky's report on James K. Polk.

And it's due Monday.

Man, if you start doing Ricky's homework,

that rat's gonna keep blackmailing you

as long as your father works for his.

Maybe George will retire early.

Well, if you ask me, the guy's bluffing.

You really think so?

I should know.

I used to be the biggest bully in the school.

Yeah. That's right.

If I can't trust you, who canI trust?

I mean, you were the worst. A real slime.

Gee, thanks, Web.

Anytime.

Hello, darling.

Hi. [ Clicking tongue ]

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

What's wrong?

Listen to this letter I just got.

"Dear hot cakes,

"I have kept this inside for too long.

I worship you from afar and love you, love you, love you."

Signed, "Your secret admirer."

See?

This guy shouldn't b*at around the bush so much.

George, come on.

I bet you anything this is from Frankie Delisle.

No, it's not done in spray paint.

Come on, George.

I mean, it's a classic case of transference
-
-

the patient kind of falling for the therapist.

And, personally, I think it's kind of flattering

to know I can still turn a young man's head.

Well, I don't like it.

Why are you so grumpy?

Katherine, you'd be a grump if you had to wear...

[ Gasps ] ...this all day.

Ooh, it looks like Liberace had a garage sale.

I wore it to lunch, and six people asked

if there was construction up ahead.

This is just the tip of the iceberg.

The Hatchetman fired three people today,

including Harry Carson, the movie reviewer.

Another case of TTF?

BHH. "Bill hates Harry."

Well, George,

I mean, you're not worried about yourjob, are you?

If I told you I wasn't, would you believe me?

No.

Come on, Webster. We're gonna be late.

Forget it.

I'm spending the afternoon with President Polk.

Move it, Webster. I haven't got all day.

I'm sorry. They just waxed the floors.

I'm getting lousy traction.

Well, here's your books, just the way you like them.

Alphabetized.

What are you doing?

Putting them down.

On thattable?

Well, there's no gum underneath. I checked.

You're learning.

Wait!

Little piece of creamed corn.

Thanks.

Well, did I get my English paper done?

Oh, you sure did. And you did pretty good too.

Great. What did I write about?

"The Verb
-
- Friend or Foe?"

Good. And keep up the good work.

We'd hate to give my father a bad report, wouldn't we?

We sure would.

[ Knock on door ]

More flowers?

Fourth bouquet this week, Mr. Papadapolis.

You must really love your wife.

I didn't send them.

Oh.

Well, don't worry.

Uh, flowers don't mean as much as they used to.


- Ooh!
- Oh, Katherine.

More flowers from your Don Juan with a switchblade.

Oh, if these are really from Frankie,

he must be spending a fortune.

Sweetheart, I know he's in transference,

but don't you think he's transferred too far?

You're right. I am gonna have to confront him.

Course, I risk not having a date for the prom.

[ Slams ]

Whew. Rough day at the office?

The worst.

I have to redo my president's report.

Oh. Is this it?

"Franklin Delano Roosevelt

"was the nd president of the United States.

He was elected four times, and then he d*ed."

That's it?

It's all true.

I could find more information on a license plate.

Sweetheart, for this kind of homework,

you can't leave it till the last minute.

I didn't. I worked real hard.

Well, if you needed help,

all you had to do was ask.

I don't think so.


- Maybe Ricky can help.
- Ricky?

Yeah, Bill said he got an "A" on his president's report on, um...

Polk. President James K. Polk.

The th president of the United States.

Gosh, if you knew so much about Polk,

maybe you should have done yourreport on him.

I did!

What are you talking about?

I wrote Ricky's report.

He makes me do everything!

Carry his books, carry his lunch.

He even wants me to take his booster sh*t.

Well, I don't get it. Why would you do that?

'Cause he said if I didn't, he'd tell his father

and get George fired.

Oh, that little twerp. He can't do that.

Sure, he can.

His father listens to everything he says.

Wait a minute. There's no way that Ricky could get me fired.


- He can't?
- No.

Why, that little twerp.

Thanks, anyways, for helping me out.

Yeah, well, we got to straighten this out.

I'm gonna talk to Bill in the morning.

There you are.

Just what do you think you're doing?

Trying to keep the cauliflower

from touching the rest of my food.

I don't mean that. You took off after class.

How was I supposed to carry my books?

Arms work pretty good.

All right, Long, no one likes a wise guy.

I suggest you change your attitude.

Oh, I've changed it, all right. Believe me.

Good.

And just to keep it that way,

you can start by calling me "sir"

or maybe even "your majesty."

Hold it.

That pie looks awfully good.

Well, I'm not going up there to get you one.

I don't want you to.

I want yours.

Give it to me.

Let me know if you want seconds, your majesty.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Webster Long, that was awful.

But you know he had it coming.

Well, maybe so, but, I mean, a pie on the head.

It's just not very, um...mature.

[ Clears throat ]

Now promise me that you're never gonna do that again.

I promise. Good.

Now, one more question.

Did it sort of hang on his head when...

[ Giggles ] or did it fall off on the floor?

It was just right there, and I tasted it,

and it was good!

[ Laughs ]

Hi, George.

George?

Ozzie always kissed Harriet when he came home.

Yeah, right. Well...

Listen, I had the conversation with Bill about Ricky.

What did he say?

Oh, nothing much.

We talked. I tried to explain.

He fired me.

George.

It's all my fault. I should have kept this all a secret.

No, you did the right thing.

Oh, Katherine, Katherine.

I got so steamed up, and then we exchanged a few words
-
-

some words I haven't used since my football days.

You mean you were fired for...jock talk?

Yes.

But most of all I was fired

because he wouldn't listen to what I had to say about Rick.

What are you gonna do, George?

Well, there's nothing to worry about.

I mean
-
- I mean, you know me.

I don't like to brag, but I am the
-
-

the best sportscaster in this here market.

[ Chuckling ]

GEORGE: Thank you very much. I appreciate it, Steve.

I'll be talking to you.

Hey, Katherine. You won't believe this.

That was Steve Calbert over at Channel .

He said there may be an opening next month, and get this
-
-

If there is, I'm their man.

Oh, sweetheart, I got a buck that says

you're gonna be back on the air within days.

days? My buck says days, sweetheart.

[ Chuckles ]

You know, darling, if I was doing my, uh,

sportscast right now, I'd
-
- I'd be in makeup.

It's bad for your skin. You're better off.

I guess you're right.

It's just that, well, you know,

every weekday for six years,

I took pride in doing sports my way.

Uh, George, you're not gonna get all worked up again, are you?

No, darling. I'm fine. I'm fine.

It's just that, Katherine, you know, I don't brag,

but I'm the best sportscaster in Chicago.

Maybe in the Midwest.

How about a cheese snack?

And you know why, sweetheart?

What?

You know why?

Because the athletes
-
- The athletes love me.

I
-I was one of them.

I
-I played on the field with them.

I
-I used to be
-
- I took showers with them.

I ate with them. I slept with them.

Just in summer camp.

And now it's gone, all gone,

just because that fink thinks his son walks on water.

I thought I put these away.

You know the really sad part is that,

as far as his kid is concerned, Bill just has a blind spot.

And if he continues to ignore this,

you know what's gonna happen?

By the time he is a teenager,

he is going to be a total and complete mess
-
-

I'm talking hard
-core juvenile delinquent.

And then you know what's gonna happen?

He's gonna be sent to me for counseling.

But you know what? By then it's gonna be too late.

And you know why it's gonna be too late?

Because of the father.

Well, I'm gonna
-
- I'm gonna take a meeting tomorrow

not just with Bill but with the owners of the station,

and I'm gonna tell them that
-
-

I'm gonna tell them that the reason that I was fired

was not professional, that the reason was personal.

Right.

Ma'am, there's someone here to see you.

A man with a box of candy.

A big box of candy.

More than you can ever eat by yourself.

Hiya, hot cakes.

Mr. Meyers? You?

You're the
-
- the cards and the flowers?

Couldn't you tell from the way I winked at you

down at the center?

Here.

Well, I'm...so flattered

with all of this attention,

but, uh, I
-I can't accept these.

They're all cream centers.

Uh, perhaps you know my husband?

Uh, George Papadapolis.

The big guy that does the sports?

Yeah. Size long.

Do you happen to know if Felicia Putterman is single?

Free as a bird, and loves cream centers.

Ooh!

Bye, Mr. Meyers.

We could have been so great.

[ Sighs ]

Well, how'd the old guy take it?

Old guy?

What makes you think it wasn't Frankie?

I knew he was at least as old as Papa

when I saw the hair in his ears.

Ha ha!

Were you disappointed, sweetheart?

No, it's just as flattering to turn a gray head

as it is a moussed one.

I'm disappointed. He didn't even leave the candy.

Well, if you hurry right over to Felicia Putterman's,

you could get lucky.

[ Doorbell rings ] Maybe he's back.

Oh, hi, Webster.

I'm unarmed. Don't go for your pie.

May I come in?

All right.

Bill, I want you to know that I'm taking a meeting

with, uh, you and the two owners of the station tomorrow.

It's not necessary, George.

Uh, it's time to AIW.

"Admit I'm a wiener."

Look, George, I want you to come back to the station.

Well, um, why the sudden change?

Well, I was thinking about our little to
-do,

and I realized that you were awfully convinced about Ricky,

so I asked him a couple of questions about President Polk.

Webster, I'm sorry about what my boy put you through.

I'm still trying to decide on an appropriate punishment.

Well, I know where you can get some really gooey pies.

I'll consider that.

And, George...

Frankly, I underestimated your popularity.

It was very unprofessional of me

to fire you for personal reasons.

How about coming back?

Well, Bill, Bill, I don't know.

I've had so many wonderful, wonderful, um, offers

from the L.A. area.

George, I thought you said

you never wanted to live in Los Angeles.

Sweetheart, let your father do the negotiating.

I just wish I knew the words that would get you back.

TMM.

TMM?

"Try more money."

[ Chuckles ]

You got it.


- Uh, see you tomorrow?
- Yes.

Oh, and by the way, Bill, about those orange blazers...

You don't like the orange blazers?

All right. All right.

Put it in a memo. I'll
-
- I'll think about it.

[ Chuckles ]

Great! Whoo!

You know what this calls for?

Champagne for everyone!

Better!

An Eskimo Pie?

No! A whimsical pas de trois.

What's that?

Silly dance!

George?

Oh, George? Yes?

I don't want you to be upset,

but I have another secret admirer.

Really? Yes.

Listen to this.

"You are the most important woman in my life.

"My day begins and ends with you.

"Love and kisses. Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!

You know who."

All right, let's nip it in the bud. Who is it?

Hiya, hot cakes.

[ Theme song plays ]