04x10 - The Big Sleepover

[bunniefuu]

There.

Let's see.

Great.

You're supposed to be in there.

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

MAN: ♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in ♪

♪ Line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

So, I'm going to be home early this afternoon.

I let Frankie Delisle out of his counseling session.

Oh, that's great, darling.

Then he's showing some improvement.

Not really.

He had a big family get
-together.

One of his fathers is getting out of prison.

That's a milestone in any family's life.

You're awful quiet this morning.

[ Mumbling ]

Yes. The oatmeal's sticking to the roof of my mouth, too.

You notice anything different about this oatmeal?

Well, I did add a little peanut butter.

I thought you guys might like something

a little different today, you know?

Breakfast can be so boring.

[ Laughs ] Not when you're in the kitchen, sweetheart.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Ma'am, let me help you with this.

Listen, aren't you gonna be late for school?

School? School?

Is that happening again today?

Yes, it's a new concept in education
-
-

Monday through Friday.

Well, I guess I'll go take out the garbage.

What? And deprive me of the privilege?

The living
-room rug could use a shampoo.

This from a boy who keeps dust balls as pets.

Gee, can't a guy offer to shampoo the rug

without someone thinking he doesn't want to go to school?


- No.
- No.

You want to tell us what's the matter?

Nothing's the matter.

I hate fifth grade.

It's worse than broccoli.

[span tts:fontStyle="italic"]Worse[/span]than broccoli?

Ooh! That makes it twice as bad as zucchini.

times as bad.

Honey, you're
-
- you're in that sweet Ms. Dundorf's class.

Sweet?!Yeah.

They call her "Ms. Terminator."

Even the gym teachers are afraid of her,

and [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]I[/span]have to face her all alone.

Oh? Where are all your friends?

Well, my best friends are all in another class this year.

I haven't made any new ones.

Oh. Sweetheart, but you will.

I remember when I was transferred

from a boarding school to the Lycée de jeunes filles,

I was the only one who didn't speak French.

But [Chuckles] I didn't have any trouble making friends.

Really?

Mm
-hmm. See, we all spoke a universal language
-
- shopping.

I had trouble making friends 'cause I lived on a farm.

But I finally made one
-
- Wally.

Wally turned out to be my best friend.

Then I ate him.

You ate him?

Yes.

He was a duck.

You have to make an effort to find new friends.

Now, for lunch, for instance, this afternoon,

sit by someone you don't know and tell him a joke.

Yeah.

I guess you're right, George.

Say, know any good ones?

I told Katherine one last night.

There was these three little maids
-
-

George!

We don't want to get him thrown out of school.

Oh, right.

Listen, just turn on the old Webster Long
-Papadapolis charm,

and you'll be fine.

Right.

"Hi, future friend.

Step on any good bugs lately?"

Nah.

"Hi, fellow fifth grader."

[ Chuckles ]

KATHERINE: Hi!

Hi.

Oh, you cute little house husband, you.

[ Giggles ]

Mwah!

You know what they say
-
- a husband's work is never done.

No, that's [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]not[/span]what they say.

All right, do me a favor
-
-

don't ever tell Papa I do these things.

Why?

Because he thinks a man's house is his castle.

Well, it is, just the man has to vacuum his own drawbridge.

[ Chuckles ]

Not papa.

You know he's never made a meal

or washed a dish or even folded a towel?

Oh. I never knew he and my mother had so much in common.

Hi, Ma'am. George.


- Hi, honey.
- Hey, champ.

GEORGE: How did it go in the old learning barn today?

Well, I took your advice for making friends.

At lunch, I told Gary Peterman some jokes.

Oh, great. And it worked, huh?

Sure did.

He laughed so hard, milk came out of his nose.

How visual.

Yeah. But I don't think, uh, Gary's the best
-friend type.

See, he thought it'd be neat if we both shaved our heads.

Then I met Tony.

Anything come out of Tony's nose?

No. Tony helped me during science class.

See, my worm escaped,

but there was a spare one in Tony's backpack.

Oh. Anybody that would give you the worm off their back

sounds okay to me.

Yeah, but Tony and I like all the same things
-
-

baseball, Kung Fu movies, and ketchup on banana bread.

Those are the ties that bind. [ Laughs ]

I'm happy for you.

Oh, George, is it okay if I meet Tony at the store

so I can see the new comics?

Oh, sure. Oh, do me a favor while you're down there,

will you?

See if She
-Ra ever gets released from the four
-headed lizard.

Ma'am, is it all right if I ask Tony to sleep over sometime?

Sure.

Oh, this weekend's free.

Oh, I'll just have to tell Robin Leach

he can do the interview some other time.

All right! This weekend.

Thanks, guys. You're the best parents in the whole world.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, well, maybe just in this hemisphere.

[ Sighs ] I'm glad he found a friend.

Yeah? There's no friend like a duck.

[ Knocking on door ]

Can I come in?

WEBSTER: Do you know the password?

No, but I know who gives you your allowance.

Come on in. What's taking you so long?

Ta
-da!

Oh, what a lovely...thing you've made...

out of my best satin sheets?!

GEORGE: Yeah, Katherine, isn't this a great tent?

This tent reminds me of the kind we used to use

when my cousins used to come over.

Well, I bet you and your cousins didn't chow down on...

smoked oysters and Brie.

Whoo!

I knew we forgot something.

Well, we remembered everything else.

We've got pillows for our pillow fights.

Plenty of games.

Oh, and I left a bowl of Cocoa Loops under the bed

so that The Crawling Eye won't eat us while we sleep.

Good thinking.

The Crawling Eye has spoiled many a sleepover.

Well, it's not gonna spoil this one, darling.

I think this one's even gonna be better than

the one that I had with my cousin, John Boy Papadapolis.

Well, was it fun?

Was it fun? It was more than fun. It was a big bonus for me.

Papa yelled "stop yapping" times,

and then we jumped up on the bed

till we hit our heads
-
- get this
-
- on the ceiling.

Sounds great.

Great? It kept us in shape for football.

You think that's great? [ Laughs ]

You obviously never went

to a slumber party at Anita Vandervoort's.

Whoo
-hoo! She threw a wild party.

What could be wilder than bumping your

head on the ceiling?

First, we untucked all the hospital corners.

[ Laughs ]

And then you're never gonna believe this.

Well?

We traded pajamas and didn't brush our teeth.

Boy, that Anita
-
- what a party animal.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Ooh! That must be Tony. I'll get it.

Hi, Tony.

Hey, Webster.

Ma'am, George, this is my friend, Tony.

Hi, Tony. We've heard a lot about you.

Not enough.

You're a girl.

She's a girl.

[ Laughs ] Well, you certainly have a point there, George.

Come on, Tony.

I'll show you the tent we're gonna sleep in.

Okay.

Darling, that's a girl.

It's a boy and a girl in
-
- in a tent...together.

We should have bought him a duck.

Katherine, I know this is the liberated 's,

but there are certain things you don't do.

You don't call women "chicks"

and you don't let those two kids sleep together.

Webster's had a girl in his room before.

Do you remember when Trudy's daughter was hiding there?

Darling, that was three years ago. Webster's a man now.

Webster is a boy.

And she's a girl.

A girl with a sleeping bag.

Darling, I hate to
-
- I hate to do this,

but I'm gonna have to send her home.

Oh, honey, Tony is just a girlfriend.

Well, I don't mean a [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]girlfriend.[/span]

I mean, like, a girl [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]friend.[/span]

Oh, come on, Katherine. When I was a kid, I didn't have

any friends that were girls.

Well, that's because a girl didn't want to get

between you and your duck.

It's perfectly natural for girls and boys Webster's age

to be friends.

As a matter of fact, it's healthy.

He's too young to be that healthy.

[ Footsteps approaching ]

Oh, hiya, kids.

Party over so soon? I can understand that.

When I was your age, I used to love to go to them,

but I'd always like to go home...

right around minutes till :.

Good night. [ Chuckles ]

I thought you stayed up all night, George.

Who told you that?

You did, darling.

Let's go get some sodas, Tony.

Uh, wait a
-
- wait a minute.

Tony, can I talk to you for a minute?

TONY: Sure, Mr. Papadapolis.

Tony, does your mother know you're staying overnight?

Yes.

Can you prove it?

George, I spoke to her mother, and it's okay.

W
-well, why didn't you ask her if Tony was a girl?

'Cause once I found out she wasn't a communist,

it was okay by me.

You're making fun of me.

It's passing the time.

Tony...

your mother's never actually met Webster, has she?

Yes, she did.

She drove me and Tony home from school one day.

Oh, that's great.

Tony, what does your mother do?

She's a teacher.

You see, George? She's a teacher.

She teaches anatomy.

Good. [ Chuckles ]

Is there anything else you guys want to know,

or can we get our sodas now?

Yeah, as a matter of fact
-
-

There are two cherry colas in the refrigerator.

BOTH: All right!

Katherine, I had more to say.

Like what?

Like, "Tony, go home."

I don't think that's the best way to handle this.

Those are two innocent kids.

Why put something in their heads that isn't there yet?

Katherine, Webster may be innocent,

but we don't know about that
-
- about that jezebel.

They're in their latency period.

They're not blooming yet.

And there will be no blooming under our roof.

If it'll make you relax,

why don't we just keep them busy until it's very late,

and they just fall asleep?

You mean like...games?

Yes, games.

That's a great idea, darling.

You know, I love it when you're devious.

Kids, come on, we're gonna play a little Monopoly.

I don't know, George.

Maybe we want to play something else.

Oh, no, come on. What's better than Monopoly, huh?

Let me ask you something.

Putting hotels up on Park Place

and foreclosing on Marvin Gardens.

Come on, come on. This is great.

Thanks for the offer, George,

but we'd rather play by ourselves.

Maybe Ma'am will play with you.

Um...

Okay, have fun.

Oh, there's more Brie if you want it.

They're gonna be just fine, George.


- Yeah?
- Just fine.

Okay. But if there's any blooming going

on, it's your fault.

TONY: We're never gonna touch the ceiling.

[ Grunts ]

Boy.

I wonder if Superman started off this way.

I don't think anyone could jump [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]that[/span]high.

George did.

They must have had bouncier beds in the old days.

Or lower ceilings.

Oh, neat!

"Star Trek."

Did you see the movie

where they put that icky thing in Chekov's ear?

I've seen all of them.

I sometimes use the Vulcan death grip to open jars.

Boy, it's great we like the same movies.

[ Gasps ] Did you see "The Monster that Slimed New York"?

No.

Ma'am and George won't let me see any movie

where the monster looks like mucous.

It taught me one thing. I'm never going to New York.

Say, you want to see a magic trick?

Yeah, sure.

[ Gasps ] Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Katherine.

Huh?

Did you hear that?

What?

Nothing.

There's no yapping going on in Webster's room.

[ Groans ] George, maybe they're asleep.

Ah, they'd like us to believe that.

You know, Katherine, there are places

where
-year
-olds get married and have babies when they're .

Big deal.

My mother and father were and when I was born.

George, lighten up.

Darling, when I was , I had a very active interest in girls.

Well, then you were more advanced than Webster.

Probably comes from growing up on a farm.

You learned about the birds and the bees

from the cows and the bulls.

Katherine, what's the difference?

He's spent a lot of time in the pet shops.

There's no telling what he's seen.

Especially in the guppy t*nk.

Come on, honey.

You are making too much of this.

You think I am?

[ Groans ] Yes, I think you are.

Maybe you're right, darling.

I am thinking too much of this.

Well, Webster's a good boy.

Yes, he is.

He's always been very honest with us.

Yes, we brought him up well.

He'd never do anything that we wouldn't do.

Um...you're right. It is awfully quiet.

Uh, maybe we should, uh, go downstairs and have a snack.

You're right.

I love it when you're sneaky, darling.

I've got a great word.

It's gonna be worth , points.

TONY: Boy, Webster, I've never seen [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]that[/span]before.

You know, you're really good at this.

WEBSTER: It just comes naturally, I guess.

Yeah, but it's my turn now.

Wait till you see what [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]I've[/span]got.

GEORGE: Let's go.

GEORGE: Okay, that's enough.

But, George, I haven't got to my "Q" and my "Z" yet.

Oh, they're playing Scrabble.

Oh.

Okay then. Just carry on.

I don't mean [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]carry on.[/span] I mean
-
- I mean carry on.

George. Just carry on.

Goodbye. Come on, George.

Oh, we worried for nothing.

I feel silly. Don't you feel silly?

I feel so silly.

No, I don't feel silly, Katherine.

If we wouldn't have gone in there,

we'd have never known we were worried for nothing.

Now let's
-
- let's get some hot chocolate.

Well, that's a high
-calorie end to a high
-anxiety day.

GEORGE: Something's still bothering me.

Katherine, what happens when
-
-

when the kids want to have a sleepover

when they're like or ?

Of course, well, that'd be different.

You know, we'd just have to have a little talk

with Webster before then.

When?


- Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow.

Hey, Webster, don't get mad or anything,

but your parents are really weird.

They're not always this way.

I guess it's because you're a girl.

You mean they think we might like each other?

But we do.

No, I don't mean like each other.

I mean [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]like[/span]each other.


- Ew!
- Ew!

Like in the movies when people get mushy.

Why do they put that stuff in, anyway?

So you can get your popcorn without missing anything.

I really hate the kissing.

Yeah, and the hugging.


- Ew!
- Ew!

Why would you want to do that with someone you like?

I don't know,

but there must be something good about it

because Ma'am and George do it all the time.

Yeah, my parents do, too.

Yeah. Sometimes when Ma'am whispers in George's ear...

Yeah?

...all the hairs on his arm stand up.

Like in class, when Mr. Gould did that electricity experiment?

Yeah. Except George's tie doesn't catch on fire.

Well, it all sounds pretty crazy to me.

I don't think I'm ever gonna like boys.

I mean, I like you, Webster, but I don't think of you as a boy.

That's okay. I don't think you as a girl.

What [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]do[/span]you think of me as?

My best friend.

All right!

Are you feeling better?

Much.

Aren't you gonna drink your cocoa?

Well, I like to wait till the marshmallow melts.

Oh, you're such a big kid.

Ooh, ooh!

Ooh, Katherine, look, look.

The blob's sucking up the Buick.

Ooh.

Tony, are you awake?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What time is it?

: a.m.

Is it too early for breakfast?

Yeah.

How about some ice cream?

Good idea!

Boy, Webster, it's still dark out.

What if a vampire's downstairs?

Then we'll have to pretend we're vampires, too.

[ As Dracula ] Follow me.

We'll have hot blood soon.

[ Both laugh as Dracula ]

[ Snoring ]

Webster, what's that?

I don't know.

[ Snoring continues ]

Oh. It's Ma'am and George.

They must have fallen asleep watching TV.

TONY: Well, should we wake them?

I don't know.

If we do, Ma'am will probably want to make us breakfast.

That's great!

Do you like peanut butter in your oatmeal?


- Ew!
- Ew!

[ Sighs ] I must have slept on your elbow last night.

I have sofa
-button marks up and down my back.

All those aches and pains for nothing.

The kids played board games all night.

[ Sighs ] Yeah, it was all so sweet and innocent.

Kind of makes you want to be young again, doesn't it?

Not me.

Why?

Well, whisper in my ear, and I'll tell you.


- Ew!
- Ew!

[ Theme song plays ]