04x05 - Read It and Weep

[bunniefuu]

There's too much milk.

Too many cookies.

[ Sighs ]

Just right.

WOMAN: ♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

MAN: ♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in ♪

♪ Line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me and ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

Web, Papa, we're home!

Papa, grandson!

Calling Papa, grandson, front and center!

Boy, it's getting awful late.

They should've been home from that auto show

three hours ago, darling.

Yeah, maybe they stayed till the end.

You know Papa always loves a good buff and wax demonstration.

Oh, I know where they went.

The probably went to Petrakises' Restaurant.

You know, that's where he found

that, uh, diamond ring in his cereal.

Oh, yeah. He keeps going back.

I think he hopes to find the bracelet to match.

[ Greek accent ] Hello!

Ma'am, George, we're home!

Hello!

Where were you guys? Taking home your dates?

No, much better.

Papa found a detour, and we got lost.

It was great!

[ Greek accent ] What are you talking about, "lost"?

I just wanted the boy to see

some different parts of the town, that's all.

Yeah, and we saw some of the same parts three times.

It was good every time, though, huh?

Yeah.

And you know what? Pop let me co
-pilot.

When he couldn't see the street signs, I read them.

KATHERINE: Oh!

A few small, unimportant little signs I missed.

"Caution: Bridge Closed"?

[ Laughs ]

You missed a sign like that?

Yeah. That was in Indiana.

Indiana? You were in Indiana?

Yeah. Twice.

But we're here now, and we had a wonderful time.

Tell them about the auto show.

How did you get back?

Well, it was the co
-pilot's idea

to follow a bus that said "Chicago" on the front.

The bus was dull. The show was great.

Go ahead, tell them about the auto show.

Look what Papa got.

It's an autographed picture of Miss Buick.

Let me see that.

I don't know why she's in a bikini.

I do.

Interested in Miss Buick, are we, George?

Only in the automotive sense, darling.

Mm.

Anyway, could I be excused now?

'Cause I'm still writing my play about Lewis and Clark.

Did you get those two people over the Rockies yet?

Not yet.

You know, their trip would've been much easier

if they had dirt bikes back then.

Honey, I think it's a little late for crossing the Rockies.

Why don't you go up and get ready for bed,

and we'll come up and say good night?

Okay.Okay.

Thanks for the auto show, Papa. I loved it.

Mm. Me too, baklava. [ Smooches ] Ah!

Get a good night's sleep.

Oh, and, uh, thanks for taking me to Indiana.

I love throwing money in toll booths.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ]

I have something to talk to you about.

Oh? Uh
-
- Ooh!

Ooh, look at the time. It's very late
-
-

No, no, no. One minute, one minute.

Please.


- Your Social Security form.
- Uh
-huh.

Why did you give it to me? Can't you fill this out?

Oh, I'm much too busy.

You know, I
-I
-I have, uh, things to fix for people,

w
-watering my plants, uh...

backgammon games in the park.

Not to mention two soap operas

that I'm trying to keep up with.

Papa, your Social Security money

is more important than watching...

"Suburbs of Lust."

All right. The forms are too difficult for me.

Too much bureaucratic green tape.

That's "red tape."

You see? Even the colors are confusing.

Can I ask you something? What happened tonight?

One minute you're on a road that you know,

and the next minute, you're in a tunnel in Indiana.

Could happen to anyone.

But listen, you invited me here for a relaxing weekend,

so I'm going to go up to my room, watch a little MTV.

Mmm
-haha!

I love to fall asleep listening to

[high
-pitched voice] Quiet Riot!

Kalinychta!

I think he needs, uh, new glasses, darling.

He couldn't see the street signs or the bus signs,

and, uh, unless I'm mistaken,

the reason he hasn't filled this Social Security form out

is because he can't see it.

[ Sighs ] Well, you're right.

We should get him an appointment with an eye doctor,

or the next time he'll come home by way of California.

He's such a stubborn and proud man.

He'd never admit that he needs glasses.

You're gonna
-
- You're gonna have

a terrible time telling him, honey.

Me? Me?!

Papa: You know, that's what's wrong with the government
-
-

they make you sign everything four times.

George Papadapolis, George Papadapolis,

George Papadapolis, George Papadapolis.

The government is going to think

there are four old Greeks signing up for Social Security.

Did you guys get everything straightened out?

We signed all the forms.

You and George have a nice talk?

Once, when he was .

George, didn't you talk to Papa

about oing
-gay to the octor
-day?

"Oing
-gay to the octor
-day"? What is that?

Pop, uh, we have to talk.

You forgot already what I told you when you were ?

No, I'm serious, Pop. Now, I'm
-
- I've...

I've been aware of something

that you think I've not been aware of,

nevertheless, I have been aware of.

So I think we must discuss it.

So, go ahead, Katherine.

Excuse me.

George, last night,

we agreed that you would be the one to tell him.

Darling, that was
-
- When I saw you in that nightgown,

I would've agreed to anything.

George!

Fine.

Pop, how's your eyes?

Brown. How are yours?

I'm serious, now.

You gave us the fast shuffle yesterday,

and we both think that you need new glasses.

You are both full of feta cheese.

I have the eyesight of a
-year
-old.

Oh, uh, look over there on the mantle.

You see there is a ballpoint pen?

There's no ballpoint pen on there.

Oh, no, no, no, wait a minute. He's right.

I put a ballpoint pen there myself.

Uh
-huh.

And in front of the fireplace, on the floor,

there is a dime.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, Papa...

Ooh. I'm sorry.

I guess, uh... I guess we were mistaken.

I guess you don't need to see an eye doctor.

Yeah, but maybe [span tts:fontStyle="italic"] you[/span]could use one.

Ma'am, George, I did it! I finally finished my play!

It's gonna be a hit because it's got everything.

It's got adventure, it's got romance,

it's got donkeys!

Adventure, romance, and donkeys.

Well, those are three of the biggies

I always look for in great drama.

Ma'am, George, uh, could you act out some of the parts

so I can make sure it doesn't sound dumb?

Could we? We'd love to. I'd love to do this.

Good. And I'll be in the audience and yell

"Encore! Encore!" when the play is over.

Oh, no, Papa, I have a part for you to read, too.

You do? Sure.

Ooh, I just remembered, on PBS tonight,

they are doing a documentary on Greek ruins.

Maybe I see my old house.

Come on, Papa, it's fun.

Just pretend you're Anthony Quinn.

Please?

I'm a much better dancer.

Okay.

It's about Lewis and Clark,

the explorers who found the Pacific Ocean.

That was pretty easy to do.

George, you're Meriwether Lewis,

and, Papa, you're William Clark.

Ma'am, you're Sacagawea.

Saca
-who
-a?

Sacagawea.

See, she's the hero of the whole play.

She's the beautiful Indian guide who saves everybody.

I was born to play this role.

It's , and Lewis is in Sacagawea's tepee.

Okay, roll 'em!

O
-Oh, gracious Indian maiden, I cannot thank you enough

for getting us horses, blankets...and snacks.

Do not mention it, great explorer.

You are braver than Rambo.

Good! Good! This is good! Yes!

But what will happen

when we encounter your people, the Shoshone?

Do not fear, my brave friend.

I will speak to them for you, and everything will be cool.

This is where I do the donkey sound effects, okay?

Hee
-haw! Hee
-haw! Hee
-haw!

Okay, you go again, George.

That must be my partner returning from the
-Eleven.

Papa, this is where you come in.

You're Clark, and you knock on the tepee.

I knock on the tepee.

Go ahead. "It is I, William Clark."

Oh, oh. Uh...

It is I, William Clark.

Still me?

Oh! [ Laughs ]

Silly me. I can't read without my glasses.

They're in your pocket.

Okay.

[ Clears throat ]

Oh.

Oh, I
-I
-I lost my place.

You were excited. Okay.

Um, here you go. Right here. "It is I, William Clark."

It [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]is[/span]your eyes.

What?

No.

Papa's having trouble with his eyes.

No, there's nothing wrong with my eyes,

and I'm not going to see an eye doctor!

If there's nothing wrong with your eyes,

then there's something else wrong.


- No, I'm leaving!
- Wait!

What's wrong? What's wrong?

I can't read!

Don't you people see I can't read?!

Pop, what's wrong?

[ Sniffles ]

[ Voice breaking ] I'm so ashamed.

I don't understand.

What is there to understand?

I don't read. I can't read. I never could read.

What do you mean you can't read? I've seen you read.

When did you ever see me read?

In church. I've seen you read in church.

Oh? You saw my lips move with everybody else.

No, I've heard you read in church.

Don't you think after years that I could memorize it?

[ Sighs ] Here.

George, what happens when we go to a new restaurant?

We eat too much and we burp.

No. What do we eat?

I don't know.

I order something a
-and
-
- and...

and then you order what I order.

You can't read.

Now do you believe me?

Papa, why did you keep it a secret all these years?

Because I'm your papa.

Did Webster ever ask you to do something

that you absolutely could not do?

Yeah, he wanted me to try on one of his shirts once.

No, I mean something that you wanted to do for him.

Well, he wanted me to teach him how to paint, once,

so I
-I painted what I thought was a horse,

and he said it looked like a car with big legs.

Do you remember how you felt

when you looked foolish in his eyes?

Oh, Papa, come on.

I tried.

Then I give you credit,

because I was never brave enough to look foolish in your eyes.

I didn't want you to be ashamed of me.

Papa, I will never be ashamed of you.

I'll never be ashamed of you.

[ Sobs ]

Oh, I'm so relieved.

I finally got it off my chest.

[ Chuckles ]

Another good thing
-
-

You know how, when we go to an Italian restaurant,

you always order fettuccine Alfredo?

Yes, I love fettuccine Alfredo.

I [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]hate[/span] fettuccine Alfredo!

[ Both laugh ]

That's why you never read me bedtime stories.

I knew fairy tales couldn't give you a rash.

[ Laughs ]

But you help me out more than you know.

You help me read maps, uh, labels on packages,

even sometimes a street sign.

Boy, I always thought you were helping [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]me[/span]to learn to read.

You'd say, [Imitates Greek accent]

"You read it, my little baklava.

It's good practice."

[ Laughs ]

Snack patrol!

Oh, look at that! Hot chocolate.

Oh, I love it.

Always gives me sweet dreams about Sophia Loren.

Must be the marshmallows.

[ Normal voice ] Oh, I'm taking an extra cookie,

just in case this one falls in my hot cocoa.

There's many things that puzzle me,

but one of them is, how did you study for your driving test?

Oh, my sweet Irene, may she rest in peace,

she read me the entire rules of the road.

She made parallel parking come to life for me.

But there are so many times during the day

when we have to read.

What do you do?

I, uh, tell people I forgot my glasses,

I ask a lot of questions.

People like to help me.

They hear my accent, they think I'm a tourist.

Well, you sure fooled us.

Boy, I thought all adults could read.

I mean, they even have their own bookstores.

Well, I'm glad, anyway, that it's out of the way,

and I can look my family straight in the eye,

without being ashamed,

and say, "Here, read this for me."

That's no solution.

Sounds good to me.

Papa, we are not always gonna be there to be able to read to you.

I mean, you're still gonna feel ashamed

if you have to hide this from the rest of the world.

Piece of moussaka. I've been getting away with it for years.

Don't you realize that you have a wonderful opportunity

that not everybody gets?

She's right.

What?

Second chance. You could learn how to read.

Absolutely.

And you can start off with the first book I ever read
-
-

"Perky Puppy Goes to the City."

It's better than the movie.

I'm too old to start reading about puppies.

Now, let me ask you something
-
-

if I can get you in a class at the Community Center,

will you go?

As they like to say in the old country...

No.

What do you mean, "no"?

Don't you want to keep up with world events?

Well, if there's anything important I need to know,

I can get it from Ted Koppel.

What if Ted is on assignment overseas?

Thomas Brokaw.

Let me ask you one more thing.

What happens if you're asleep in your bed,

you have a little trouble with your heart,

you wake up, you go to the bathroom cabinet,

you open the door, and what do you see?

bottles of pills.

What are you gonna do?

I call you, you come over. You're a good daughter
-in
-law.

[ Laughs ] Well, thank you. But what if I'm out of town?

I call long distance.

I'm fine without reading, right, Webster?

Well...

And that's from a graduate of the fourth grade.

Come on, Papa. Come on.

What do you mean, "come on"?

I've been getting along fine for years without reading.

Case closed.

All right, I call. What you got?

Three s.

I win!

Wait a minute. Let me see that.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You don't trust me? I'm your papa.

[ Chuckles ]

You know what I read at the supermarket

while I was standing in line?

They found Elvis Presley in another UFO?

No.

I was reading this article that said

there are between and million Americans

who cannot read.

Again with the reading?

You know, Andrew Johnson couldn't read

till he was in his teens.

He became President of this here United States.

And to think, I might have gone to my grave

without knowing that.

What we're trying to say is there's a lot of

people in your shoes.

No one is in my shoes!

Because in my shoes

is a man who is supposed to be a house guest,

and instead is being forced to listen to a lot of speeches!

You're absolutely right, Papa.

Actions speak louder than words.

So when you go to that reading class at the Community Center,

you're gonna find all that out.

What reading class?

GEORGE: Community Center.

Now, Katherine's gone through a lot of trouble

to get you enrolled over there.

I stood in line for two hours with a man from Peru.

He insisted that I look at hundreds of photographs

of his mama and his llama.

I couldn't tell them apart.

You people can't hear,

so I say it for you again very slowly
-
-

I'm...not...going.

KATHERINE: Hi, honey.
- Hi.

GEORGE: Hi. How was school?

Um...well, it was okay.

Anything exciting happen

other than the thrill of recess and the agony of math?

Oh, yeah, I flunked a test.

That's great.

What do you mean you flunked a test?

Well, out of words, I only got right.

Let's see.See?

Oh.

Oh!

Webster...

you misspelled "chocolate" and "allowance,"

two of your favorite words.

Yeah, and I misspelled "hippopotamus," too.

I hate that word.

Oh, Web, this could be serious.

This could ruin your overall average.

But what's the difference?

Whoa, whoa! W
-W
-Wait a minute!

What do you mean, "what's the difference"?

What kind of talk is that?

Well, your kind of talk, Papa.

I never told you to flunk a test.

Oh, I know that, but you did say

that you get along fine without reading.

And I figured you were right.

There's a bunch of stuff a person never needs to learn.

I mean, I could on forever

without ever using the word "hippopotamus."

I mean, it's not like you use it every day.

"My, what a lovely hippopotamus you have."

Quick
-
- spell "hippopotamus."

H
-I
-P
-P
-O
-P
-O
-T
-A
-M
-U
-S.

Is that right?

Perfect.

So, my little baklava, you took a dive on your test?

No. No.

No, he didn't. He got %.

Don't you understand?

He is trying to get through to you, Papa. We all are.

[ Sighs ]

There is a wonderful world out there of books

and subtitles at movies

and poetry and novels and plays.

Why are you people making me crazy?

Because we think it's important, Papa!

I mean, George once told me

that learning is something you always need.

And I heard that from a man who was very influential

in me getting good grades in high school.

Pop, that was the same man who made sure

that I got more out of college than just football.

You know who that was?

That was you, my little baklava.

Well, if I said it, I must have been right.

Right. Well, reading is right, and you want to be right,

so why don't you learn to read, right?

Well, I...I...

Do it for me, Papa.

Oh, uh...

Please?

How long before I get to the word "hippopotamus"?

Oh, months!

Then I'll do it.


- Yay!
- All right!


- Let's celebrate.
- Let's go out to dinner.

I vote for Italian!

[ Italian accent ] Oh, Giorgio, you read
-a me mind.

Good, Papa. Now I can teach you how to read the menu.

Good.

And that means I'll never have to eat

fettuccine Alfredo again!

"Woof, woof. I am so glad to be home again."

Finished!

That was really great, Papa. How do you feel?

Oh, I feel wonderful.

And I owe it all to you, my little baklava,

and the rest of my family.

Your first whole book, Papa. Way to go!

Miss Whitaker, your teacher, says that you're one

of the fastest learners in the class.

Well, of course. He comes from a very smart family.

She did have one complaint, though.

You're also the fastest [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]pincher[/span] in the class.

Oh, that's because she has the cutest
-
-

mouth.

How'd you like your first book, Papa?

Oh, I think it was wonderful.

There's only one thing that bothers me
-
-

do you think that Perky Puppy

should have run away from Big Brown Doggy?

You know, that part's always bothered me.

Why don't we go in the kitchen and discuss it

while we try to invent a new kind of milkshake?

How'd you like to go upstairs with your own Perky Puppy?

[ Theme music plays ]