- I am doing pretty well with this paper folding.
Look at, here's my swan.
[paper rasps]
What are you making, honey?
- Halley's Comet.
[laughing sound effect]
♪ Set in my ways ♪
♪ Losing track of the days ♪
♪ Only me to live for ♪
♪ Had no need to give more ♪
♪ Than I wanted to ♪
♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪
♪ Never getting caught up ♪
♪ Love was never brought up ♪
♪ It's not the thing to do ♪
♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ It was you ♪
♪ Then came you ♪
♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪
♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ It was you ♪
♪ Then came you ♪
♪ You reeled me right in line, sinker, and hook ♪
♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪
♪ Then came you ♪
♪ It was you and me and you ♪
♪ Then came you ♪
♪ It was you and me and you ♪
♪ It was you and me ♪
♪ Then came you ♪
[upbeat instrumental music]
- Morning.
- Good morning.
- Good morning. Good morning.
Welcome to the International House of Breakfast.
What'll it be? [laughing sound effect]
- Oh, thanks, honey. Nothing from me.
I have an early appointment at the clinic.
- And what about you, champ? Bacon and eggs?
- I'll have some clown cakes with eggs over
trap
-easy.
[laughing sound effect]
- How do you make that?
- You don't. You buy it at Turkish Diner.
See, and his mom is taking us there on the way to school.
[doorbell rings] Well, time to run.
- Mm. If that's his carpool, I'm late.
Honey, I'd really love to have breakfast with you,
but you always wanna do it in the morning
when there's no time.
[laughing sound effect]
[Katherine smooches] See you later.
[laughing sound effect]
- Cassie, listen to me.
If your brother, Fred, a dodo who still wears his mittens
on a string can win $, on Sports Super Quiz,
it ought to be a pushover for me.
- Bill, your forte is carpentry. Carpentry, not sports.
- Cassie, there are no game shows
about sandpaper and drill bits.
[laughing sound effect]
- Good morning. Good morning.
Welcome to the International House of Breakfast.
What'll it be?
- George, can you imagine Bill on a sports game show?
Darling, I love you very much,
but what you know about sports,
you could put on the head of a ball
-peen hammer.
[laughing sound effect]
- The only thing I have to know about sports, I know.
You.
[laughing sound effect]
- What do you say, coach?
[laughing sound effect] [upbeat instrumental music]
- Oh, sweetheart, there's something wrong.
You're trying to bake.
[laughing sound effect]
- Just because I make cookies whenever I'm upset
doesn't mean I'm upset whenever I make cookies.
- Oh, now, come on, come on. I know you.
You're definitely, something definitely wrong.
- I don't really wanna talk about it.
- Darling, I wanna help.
[Katherine chuckles]
- You're very sweet, George, but you can't help me.
I can't help me. Nobody can help me.
- Well, if, if you don't wanna talk about it.
- Friday, I have to give a lecture
[laughing sound effect] in front of the entire
psychology department and I'm scared to death.
- Why?
- Why?
George, the professors on my licensing board
are gonna be there. [laughing sound effect]
[Katherine sighs]
You know, they hold my future
in their highly critical hands.
- You weren't scared when you, when you had to handle the,
the press conferences
- Ugh.
- for the mayor.
- George, those were just reporters.
I had all the information that they wanted.
I was in total control. [oven door squeaks]
- What, what about the time [metal clangs]
you had to entertain all those ambassadors from Zimbabwe?
You were terrific.
- I was good, wasn't I?
- [George] Yes. [laughing sound effect]
- But they didn't speak English.
I could have said anything.
[laughing sound effect]
George, if I blow this, oh,
I don't even wanna think about it.
- Darling, you're not gonna blow it now.
Come on. Everything's gonna be all right.
- How can you guarantee that?
- I talk in front of millions of people every day.
- Yeah, but on TV.
- Yeah, but I also do sports luncheons.
I
-I talk to thousands of people.
I wanna show you the tricks of the trade.
- Jocks have a sense of humor. Psychologists don't laugh.
[laughing sound effect]
I mean, I mean, they're paid not to.
[laughing sound effect]
- Hi, guys. [door closes]
- Hi.
- Hi, honey.
- Boy, I just got an assignment
even Hulk Hogan would wanna wrestle with.
[laughing sound effect]
- Is that bad?
- Serious.
[laughing sound effect]
- See, I have to do two book reports by next Friday.
You know how many words that is?
[laughing sound effect]
- Mm.
- There's no way I can get it done.
- Ah, you can get it done and you will.
If you need any help, just ask.
- Okay. Can I have $?
[laughing sound effect]
- Sure. You see how easy it was?
- Wait a, wait a minute, wait a minute.
What, what is the $ for?
- Well, I kind of lost a library book.
- Isn't it kind of like two you've lost this year?
- Kinda.
[laughing sound effect]
- Ah, Web, does this have anything
to do with Hulk Hogan's homework?
- Kinda.
[laughing sound effect]
See, I couldn't do my homework last week,
because I lost my book,
and now I have to do two for makeup.
- Just remember now this,
this money comes out of your allowance.
- But I already spent this week's.
Can I have two weeks in advance?
- Okay.
But you know, there's an old Greek saying,
neither a lender nor a borrower be.
[laughing sound effect]
- Well, I can never lose a library book again.
I can't afford it.
[laughing sound effect]
[upbeat instrumental music]
- Okay, now, here's an easy one. Don't peak.
[Bill sighs]
One of, what NFL team holds the record
for the most consecutive games won?
- Ah, and this is football, right?
[laughing sound effect]
- So, do me a favor,
just go home and memorize this, will you?
- "Sports The Last Hundred Years"?
[laughing sound effect]
Oh, sure. No problem.
- Hi, Bill.
- Hi, Webster.
- Well, I finished my first book report. What do you think?
- Ha.
[laughing sound effect]
Yeah, that's good.
It's a little plain though.
It's like, it's like a potato without any
-
- I know what you mean. Like sour cream and chives.
- Absolutely. [laughing sound effect]
Like when I'm announcing sports,
I could easily say
that the bears b*at the lions, to , right?
But I don't.
I get down the air and I say, hello, everybody.
The ferocious bears scored a brutal to victory
over the all too confident lions.
[laughing sound effect]
- Oh, I get it. Let me try.
The ferocious Johnny Quick
pulled the brutal alien from the ultra confident
burning rocket ship.
[laughing sound effect]
- It's great. Great.
[bright music]
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
[door closes]
- What is all this stuff?
- It's learning aids, darling. Teaching tools.
I got it from the station.
And look at, sweetheart, your own crowd.
Isn't that great?
[laughing sound effect]
Yeah, they can't talk back to you
and, and they can't leave either. [laughs]
[laughing sound effect]
- I hope you meant that to be reassuring.
- [George] Well, of course.
Hi, you guys.
- Hi.
- You're just in time
to help Katherine out with her, with her speech.
- Right now?
- Sit down over there with the, with the rest of the crowd.
[laughing sound effect]
- Can we go to the snack bar before the action starts?
- Well, sure you can,
but get back before the kickoff. [laughs]
[laughing sound effect] Oh, come on, Katherine.
There you go.
- I don't know. Um.
Oh, George.
- Whoa.
- This teaching tool is defective.
[laughing sound effect]
- Let me help you with that, sweetheart. There we go.
There we go.
- Are you, are you sure this is a good idea?
- Of course it's a good idea, darling.
Let me just, let me check the volume.
Hello, hello, hello, hello.
Testing one, one, one. [laughing sound effect]
[mic thuds]
One, two, three.
- George. George.
I
-I
-Is that thing necessary?
- Sure. It gets you in the mood.
Guys, just kind of spread out a little bit,
so the others can see.
[laughing sound effect]
Okay, sweetheart.
[George clears throat]
- Hi. [chuckles]
[Katherine clears throat]
[laughing sound effect]
Good afternoon,
fellow colleagues and distinguished guests.
Today, I'd like to talk about
Jung's theory of negative attempts
to free the individual from the collective psyche.
[laughing sound effect]
- Ah, I just remember, I have lots of reading to do
and I
-
- I gotta go help him.
[laughing sound effect]
- You see that, George?
I
-I
-I've lost my audience.
- There were only two people
that were disinterested, darling.
Look at this.
There's thousands of us [laughing sound effect]
that like this.
[laughing sound effect]
Come on, sweetheart. Come on.
- Oh.
Okay.
Good afternoon, fellow colleagues
and dis, di, distinguished guests.
- Darling, don't look at the cards.
It looks like you don't really know
what you know, you've prepared.
Just kind of straighten up there.
[laughing sound effect]
- Keep my head up.
Keep my head up. [mic rasps]
[mic feedbacks] Good after,
good afternoon,
- No, no, sweetheart.
- fellow colleagues.
- No, no, don't.
Wait a minute.
Darling, it's the microphone,
it's... [Katherine sighs]
[mic rasps]
- This isn't working.
- It isn't working. You're right.
It's, there's something there that
-
- George, you don't understand.
See, when I was in the th grade,
I had to give the valedictorian speech
to the entire student body.
And at the last minute,
I learned that the admissions board
of Radcliffe was invited.
Radcliffe, George.
Radcliffe was the college of my dreams. [chuckles]
And I stood up there in front of the entire student body
and I forgot my speech.
The only thing I remembered were the terms of agreement
on the back of my Bloomingdale's card.
[laughing sound effect]
And then, and then when I realized what I was saying,
I, I just panicked and I lost my voice.
[instrumental music] [laughing sound effect]
- Speak up, darling. We can't hear you.
[instrumental music] [laughing sound effect]
- How many ants do you think
[indistinct]
would've eaten if the bell had it wrong?
[laughing sound effect]
- , probably. He loves to gross out girls.
[laughing sound effect]
- He sure is good at it.
[laughing sound effect]
Andy, quit kidding around. Hand off my library book.
- I didn't take your book.
- Well, it's gotta be around here someplace.
- Webster, take it easy. [chair thuds]
[drawer closes]
- But this is serious.
I already lost one library book this week.
I can't afford to lose another one.
I'm the only kid in the fourth grade who's bankrupt.
[laughing sound effect]
- Just go back to the library and get another book.
[drawer opens]
- I can't.
[drawer closes]
Ms. Williams' gonna know.
- How's she gonna know?
- She can read your mind.
She even shushes you when you just think about talking.
[laughing sound effect]
- Maybe she has STP or something.
[laughing sound effect]
- I dunno. Just doing something else.
How am I gonna do a book report
when I don't even have a book to report on?
- Well, since you don't have an older brother to talk to
or a younger one to blame,
[laughing sound effect]
maybe your parents could help you.
- Help me? They'd k*ll me.
[laughing sound effect]
Every time I say I'll never do something again,
I do it again.
[laughing sound effect]
- Maybe you just stop doing it.
[laughing sound effect]
- Gee, gosh, why didn't I think of that?
[laughing sound effect] [instrumental music]
It's the worst thing that ever happened to me.
- Come on, Webster.
What can they do to you for losing a library book?
- They could send me to m*llitary school.
[upbeat instrumental music]
Or worse.
- Nothing's worse than a m*llitary school.
[laughing sound effect]
- Andy, you're supposed to be helping me out.
- Okay, let's see.
You can't buy a book.
You can't go back to the library
and you can't tell your parents.
You're dog meat.
[laughing sound effect]
- No kidding.
Next thing you know,
I'll be saluting some big guy with a crew cut.
[laughing sound effect]
- Wait a minute.
Why don't you use one of those books down in the den?
- I can't.
Ma'am and George always read my homework
and if they see one of my reports
is on one of their books,
they'll know I lost another library book.
- Well, you must know somebody else who has a book.
Yeah, Bill and Cassie. They lend me books all the time.
You know, this might just work out.
- I hope so, 'cause if it doesn't,
you'll
-
- Yeah, I know. Dog meat.
[laughing sound effect]
- Here, darling, try this. This will be good for your voice.
It's papa's remedy.
[marker squeaks]
You won't even taste the garlic.
[laughing sound effect]
- Have no fear. [door thuds]
Mother's Ozark Mountain remedy is here.
[laughing sound effect]
- Don't drink any of your snake oil.
- Trust the three peas, parsley, peppers, and prunes.
[laughing sound effect]
- Guys, I think Katherine would like a nice hot cup of tea
with honey and lemon.
- How did she know that?
[footsteps pattering]
- Hey, what's going on?
- Katherine's lost her voice.
- Does George know?
Because if he does,
he'll make you pay for it outta your own allowance.
[laughing sound effect]
- Hey, you're lucky.
If you can't talk, you can't answer any questions in class.
- That's right. Look on the bright side, ma'am.
Now you don't have to do your speech.
- Uh, guys, Katherine would like to be excused.
She needs to go upstairs and lie down and rest.
[Katherine smooches]
- How do you know what she's thinking?
- She's got it too. [footsteps pattering]
STP.
[laughing sound effect]
- Were you ever a librarian?
- Yes, as a matter of fact.
I worked as a librarian all through college.
[laughing sound effect] [instrumental music]
[upbeat instrumental music]
- [Host] Who was the first pitcher
in the major leagues to record , strikeouts?
- Bruce Jenner.
[laughing sound effect]
- Nolan Ryan.
- Nolan Ryan?
- That's right. Nolan Ryan.
[bell dings] [crowd cheering]
- Bill, can I borrow a book?
- Help yourself.
- [Host] Second question.
- Where'd you get all these?
- Garage sale. They came with the bookshelves.
[laughing sound effect]
- You think I'd like this one?
- I don't know. [crowd cheering]
Read the back cover.
They always put the whole story on there anyway.
[laughing sound effect]
- They do?
- Sure.
- Confessions of a cowboy.
[laughing sound effect]
The true story behind his g*n, his gold, and his horse.
It is all here.
[laughing sound effect]
- Sure. It saves reading time.
[laughing sound effect]
And you don't get any paper cuts.
[laughing sound effect]
- Great. 'Cause I don't have much time.
This could be my only chance.
- Shh.
- [Host] For $,,
who was the Triple Crown winner in ?
- Huh? No, it wasn't Secretariat.
- Sea Biscuit.
- I'm sorry.
The correct answer is Secretariat.
- I got one. [laughing sound effect]
I got one.
[laughing sound effect]
- Wait, can I borrow this book?
- You can have 'em all. Webster, I'm gonna be rich.
I'll buy you a book mobile.
[laughing sound effect] [instrumental music]
[upbeat instrumental music]
- Darling, I talked to Professor Klein
and he said you can turn in your speech as a written report.
Everything's gonna be all right.
[palms clasps]
What about you, champ? Did you finish your book reports?
- Of course I have. Why wouldn't I?
You think I'd lose a book after I said I wouldn't?
[laughing sound effect]
- No, I was just asking.
Let's go. I gotta go to school.
- Sure. [bag rustles]
- Darling, I'm gonna go to the store
on the way home from work.
What would you like for dinner?
[laughing sound effect]
Chicken?
[laughing sound effect]
Shark?
[laughing sound effect]
- Duck.
- Duck. [laughing sound effect]
Duck.
- I love charades. Bye, ma'am.
[laughing sound effect]
[door closes]
- Hi.
I just came up to see
if there's anything you need before I go.
Oh, sure. I've got time for a cup of coffee.
[laughing sound effect]
[phone ringing]
- Oh. I'll get it.
- Hello.
- Katherine, your voice is back.
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.
- Katherine, yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.
- It is. I can hear you.
- No, you can't.
You can't hear me,
because if you can hear me,
that means I have to give my speech.
[upbeat instrumental music] [laughing sound effect]
- What are you worried about?
You turned in your book reports on time.
- Yeah, but I didn't really read the second book.
[footsteps pattering]
- Hello, hello, do I have a surprise
for you two. [door closes]
- I have a surprise for you too.
- Give us a hint.
[laughing sound effect]
- What hint?
That was it. My voice is back.
- Oh. That's great, darling.
When did that happen?
- Ooh, couple of hours ago. [chuckles]
Right after I handed in my report.
- Oh. [laughing sound effect]
It's too bad you couldn't give your speech.
- Yeah, I was pretty broken up about it myself.
[laughing sound effect]
- Hey, George, what's your surprise?
- I thought you'd never ask.
You know what my surprise is?
You know, I was thinking,
when I worked very hard, my dad used to reward me.
So, get this.
I've made reservations for three
at the Top of the Town restaurant
for tomorrow night. [laughs]
- Oh, that's such an expensive restaurant, George.
And I don't have anything to wear.
- Well, darling, go out and buy something.
You deserve it.
- Hey, I'll just walk through my closet.
[laughing sound effect]
- Oh, let me come with you.
You know, I like that dangerous blackout [mumbles] of yours.
I get real excited about it.
[George laughing] [laughing sound effect]
- m*llitary school would be much easier.
[laughing sound effect]
- Are you nuts?
- Don't you get it?
George has given me a reward that I didn't even earn.
- Some reward. That restaurant makes you wear a tie.
[laughing sound effect]
[upbeat instrumental music]
- Hello.
- Oh.
- Reservations for three.
Papadapolis, please.
- Ah.
- Oh, can you put us over by the window,
so we can look at the light?
- Ah, I'm sorry. That table's already taken.
- Well, it's kind of a special evening, if you get my drift.
- So it is. So it is.
[laughing sound effect]
And if you ask me, those people have had enough coffee.
[laughing sound effect]
- George, don't you think $'s a little excessive?
- It was a . [Katherine gasps]
[laughing sound effect]
- What's the difference?
For what you two have been through this week,
you deserve the very best.
- I could get along second best
[laughing sound effect] or even third.
[laughing sound effect]
- The table for three is ready, sir.
- Make that a table for two.
- Ah, my mistake. [chuckles]
That's right. Table for two.
[laughing sound effect]
- What are you talking about?
- Oh, George, I don't deserve this wonderful evening.
My voice came back at least three hours
before I had to give my speech.
- Then why didn't you make a speech?
- Because I was scared. I'm sorry I lied.
Webster's the only one that really deserves this evening.
I, I guess I'll take a cab. No, I don't deserve a cab.
I'll take the bus. [laughing sound effect]
- Oh, wait a minute.
- Your table for two is ready, sir.
- I can't do it.
[laughing sound effect]
- Do what?
- Make that a table for one. [laughing sound effect]
- Very well. Table for one.
[laughing sound effect]
- George, I borrowed a book from Bill
and I only read the cover.
I sort of faked my second report.
- Oh, well, well, that's not like you at all.
- I know. But there's more.
The reason why I borrowed the book
was because I lost another one from the library.
I think I'll take the bus with ma'am.
[laughing sound effect]
- After that, we're gonna have to walk.
[laughing sound effect]
- No, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
You two, hold it. Just a second here.
I can't believe you two would do things like this.
Well, at least you're fessed up.
- You're table for one.
- Just a minute.
[laughing sound effect]
So, listen, I don't,
I don't want you two walking home.
Catch the bus.
[laughing sound effect]
[clapping sound effect]
Psst, psst, psst.
I'm just kidding.
[laughing sound effect]
Silly dance.
[upbeat instrumental music]
- Whoa.
- Webster.
- Will be back.
- In a moment. [laughs]
[George laughing] [door opens]
- Oh, George, that was a lovely dinner. Thank you.
And you know what I'm gonna do first thing Monday morning,
I'm gonna call my professor
and tell him the truth. [door closes]
And you know what I'm gonna do right now?
- What?
- I'm gonna go upstairs and slip into something comfortable.
[both smooches]
- Guys.
- Ooh.
- Good night now.
- Ooh.
- You know, George, next week,
I'm gonna do a book report on a book I really read.
[laughing sound effect]
- Hey, everybody, I did it.
I did it.
I got an audition for the Super Sports Quiz.
- And, George, I think he's got a really good chance.
He studied your book from cover to cover.
- Yeah, you ask me anything.
- Really?
- Really.
- What sport uses a ball with three holes?
[Bill chuckles]
- It's golf,
but it's holes. [laughing sound effect]
You are the one that needs to do the studying.
[laughing sound effect]
- George, what's that?
- Oh, it's what I propped the podium up with.
- This is my library book.
[laughing sound effect]
I didn't lose it. You did. [laughing sound effect]
So, what do you have to say for yourself young man?
[laughing sound effect]
- No, nothing. I've lost my...
- What?
- Nothing. I've lost my...
[laughing sound effect] [Webster laughing]
[clapping sound effect] [upbeat instrumental music]
[upbeat instrumental music continues]
[trumpet music]
03x25 - My Family's Honor
Watch/Buy Amazon
Set in Chicago, revolves around Webster Long, a 5-year-old African American orphan whose biological parents were recently k*lled in a car accident and is taken in by his godfather, retired football star George Papadopolis.
Set in Chicago, revolves around Webster Long, a 5-year-old African American orphan whose biological parents were recently k*lled in a car accident and is taken in by his godfather, retired football star George Papadopolis.