03x21 - Almost Home

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat jazz saxophone music]


- [Airline Attendant] Flight nonstop

from New York to Houston is now boarding at gate .

[crowd chattering]


- Webster, I just spoke to your uncle Jake.

There was a problem at home.

Nothing serious.

Anyway, he's gonna have somebody else pick you up.

Charlie Sands.


- How will he know me?


- Well, I'm sure your uncle described you pretty well.


- Well, uncle Jake isn't really my uncle.

I just call him that

because he went to school with George and my daddy.


- Oh.


- See, that's them at a fraternity party.

Jake's the one to strapless gown.

[audience laughs]

Gosh, I love that guy.

[audience laughs]


- I'll just be over here if you need anything.

[airplane whooshes]


- [Airport Attendant] Flight , nonstop to New York,

has arrived at Gate .


- Webster, I don't believe it.

[audience laughs]

You're just as handsome as I expected.


- I am?

You sure are.

Here.

Is there something you wanna say to me?

[audience laughs]


- Sure, who are you?


- Who am I? [audience laughs]

I'm Charlie.


- You're Charlie?


- Yeah I'm Charlie, do you mind?

[audience laughs]

What a cutie.


- Wait a minute, Charlie.

I'm the cutie.

[audience laughs]


- Yeah, you're cute too.


- But I'm Webster.


- You're Webster.

Give me that.

[audience laughs]


- Didn't Uncle Jake tell you what I look like?


- So he left out a couple of details.


- Like black?

[audience laughs]

♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ losing track of the days ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

♪ Ooh, it was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ I never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me ♪

♪ and then came you ♪

[upbeat jazz saxophone music]

[audience cheers and applauds]


- Hello, Sherm.

Now you begged me not to go to the airport,

I didn't go.

I think we're getting a little too attached here, don't you?

[audience laughs]


- I don't care, you said I could be with you.


- With me, not on me.

[audience laughs]

Move your hand a little would you please?

Thank you. [audience laughs]


- Coffee's ready, boss.

Just the way you like it.

[audience gasps and laughs]


- Thanks. [audience laughs]


- We made the breakfast.


- You don't wanna see it?


- Oh yeah, eggs don't always have to be yellow.

[audience laughs]

So see, you don't need Webster anymore.


- What?


- You've got us now.

Yeah, tell 'im not to come.


- Yeah.


- Now wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

First of all, eggs do have to be yellow.

[audience laughs]

Second of all, Webster's not coming here to take your place.

He visits me every year.

Besides, this year I've got something

really special to show off.

My new home, and you.


- [Sandy & Mandy] Really.

[audience laughs]


- Really.


- Boss.

Wanna try your luck?


- PJ, didn't I warn you about hustling?


- Oh, boss. [audience laughs]


- Now I'm putting my foot down.


- Nope.

[audience laughs]


- It's okay.

Look, this is a foster home.

Close the casino.

And Sandy


- I'm Mandy.


- Okay, Mandy.


- No no, you're right, I'm Sandy, go ahead, what?

[audience laughs]


- Upstairs, both of you, get dressed.

[Sandy and Mandy giggle] [audience laughs]

Michael.

[page rustles]

[audience laughs]

Yo Michael. [audience laughs]

What you got there bub?


- Oh it's nothing.

It's some research material for my science project.

[audience laughs]

[Jake laughs]


- Yeah.


- Hey, I'm thinking a building her.

[audience laughs]


- Ah, there you are.

Here's your guitar string and a new harmonica.

And hello, getting lonely, were we?

[audience laughs]


- It's nothing really.

It's just some research material for science project.

[audience laughs]
- Yeah Michael's building her.

[audience laughs]


- Michael darling.

The human body is a beautiful work of art.

Now tell me, sweetheart.

what pervert gave you this filthy piece of trash?

[audience laughs]


- Wait a minute.

Look, Bambi Finster's not a piece of trash.

It says right here she's, she's a baton twirler,

who hopes to cure cancer, [audience laughs]

or open a boutique.

[audience laughs]

I'll shut up.

[audience laughs]


- Hi Theo.


- Hi Sherm.

Well, I better go put these in water.


- What are they?


- Goldfish.

[audience laughs]


- Hey Theo.

Wait, I needed an A.

What am I gonna do with the G
-string?


- Throw it around, Bambi.

[audience laughs]


- [Charlie] Theo? [door thuds]

Jake?


- Webster. [audience applauds]


- Uncle Jake. [audience applauds]


- Ah!

[audience applauds]


- Webster, Sherman,

Sherman, Webster.

[audience applauds]


- I see you two found each other, all right.


- Piece of cake. No problem.


- He was a half an hour late,

and he picked up a strange boy.


- Charlie. [audience laughs]


- I approached a young child, and I offered him candy.

Is that a crime?

[audience laughs]

Oh my God. [audience laughs]

I'm an agent.

I'm not a daycare center.

You're lucky, I did you a favor.

I could have been booking Madonna or something.

[audience laughs]


- Hi Charlie.


- Hi Sherman.

Don't thank me. I'm too upset.

You can sell out concert theaters all across the country.

But do you want to tour?

No.

You want to play den mother to a house full of kids?


- Lighten up Charlie.

I don't need the road anymore, pal.

Hey, I've got a kid hanging on my leg.

Got pajamas with footies in them.

I got a song in my heart.

[audience laughs]


- Man's crazy.

Absolutely crazy.

[audience laughs]

Call me when you come to your senses.

Sherman, nice talking to you.

Webster, call me, we'll have lunch.

[audience laughs]


- Well, I gotta get you upstairs.

You gotta get dressed.


- Why?


- Because I have a big surprise for you.

Your mom's coming to visit?


- No.


- Sherman.

[footsteps thudding]


- Hi?

Remember me?

Webster Long, nice, short, cute.

[audience laughs]

Flew on a plane here.

Two hours, no movie.

[audience laughs]


- Guess this hasn't been a great beginning, has it?

You know Sherman?


- Yeah, I know.

He looks just like your little boy before he.

Oops.

I shouldn't have said that, huh?


- Oh, well.


- It's okay, we can talk about other things.

So, how are you and Barbara doing?


- We're divorced.

[audience laughs]


- I think I'll go unpack.


- No, no, no, hey, hey, hey.

It's all right.

You know a after we lost little Davy.

Well, it just was kind of rough on Barbara and me.


- I'm sorry.


- Get that smile back on your face.

It's all right.

You know, just like you found George and Catherine.

Well, I found me a brand new family right here.

And it's for keeps too.


- Yo Boss, Sherman's under the bed again.

Said he's gonna eat his socks.

[audience laughs]

Want me to like, yank him out?


- No, I'll handle it this time.

PJ, this is Webster.

Why don't you show him around a little bit?


- No problem.

Me and Jake, we're some number one team.

He don't make a move without me.


- Yeah, I'll bet.


- Kid bets.

[audience laughs]


- Sherman Berman.

I know you're in here, Sherman.

[door thuds]

Come on out pal.

Please?

Pretty please with sugar on it.

Okay, have it your way.

But I'm not leaving this room

until we do our fiddle dee dee.

♪ Fiddle dee dee ♪

[hands slapping rhythmically]

Come on, Sher.

♪ Fiddle dee dee. ♪

♪ Fiddle dee do. ♪

♪ I'm here for Sherman and ♪

It's your line.

♪ I'm here for Sherman and ♪

[hands slapping rhythmically]

Look at this grown man playing with himself.

[audience laughs]


- He's here for you.


- That's more like it.

Now come on out from under there and let's talk.

[Jake groaning]


- There you go.


- So what are you doing under the bed?


- I don't wanna see my mother.


- Aw, come on guy.

We're just talking one day, one afternoon,

with a lady who loves you very, very much.


- If she loves me so much, how come she gave me away?


- Hey, she didn't really give you away, honey.

Not really.

Not in her heart.

And besides, you're one of the lucky ones.


- I am.


- Yeah, some of the moms don't even visit.


- I don't care.

Why can't I just be with you?


- Oh, guy, you think I'm ever gonna let you outta my sight

for more than a couple hours?

It's me and you, kiddo.

At least until you're .

And then I expect a phone call every night.


- Oh Yeah.


- Oh yeah.

Tickle att*ck. [Sherman giggling]


- [Theo] Jake, can I see you for a minute?


- Yeah, sure Theo, I'll be right down.

You okay?


- Uncle J?


- Mh
-hmm.

♪ Fiddle dee dee. ♪

♪ Fiddle dee do ♪

♪ I'm here for Jake. ♪

♪ Jake's here for you. ♪

[hands slapping] [Jake heaving rhythmically]

[mouth pops] [audience laughs]

[audience applauds]

[audience laughs]

[audience applauds and laughs]

What's up?


- Great news.

I just spoke with Sherman's mother.

And guess what?

She's coming here this afternoon,

and she's taking Sherman home with her.

Oh, it's so exciting.

Look, I got all his little drawings together,

so his mama can hang 'em up.


- Theo, how in the hell,

can you let him go home with that, that woman.


- Jake, honey, that woman is his mother.


- Well, that mother just happened to have given him up.


- Temporarily.

She had problems.

She couldn't cope, but now she can.


- Well what about me?


- Hi. [audience laughs]


- Ah, you must be Webster.

Nice, robe.

What are those, flamingos?


- Turkeys. [audience laughs]


- Web, where are your clothes?


- PJ taught me a new card game.

[audience laughs]

I'm not very good at it, yet.

[audience laughs]


- PJ.


- [PJ] Don't worry, boss lady.

I'm sure his luck will change.

[audience laughs]


- Get Webster back his clothes.


- Webster, no more gambling, okay.


- Why not? How much more can I lose?

[audience laughs]


- You heard me, no more gambling.


- [Webster] Okay


- I think I better go up there.


- Wait a minute.

I thought we were discussing Sherman here.


- There's nothing to discuss.


- Nothing to discuss, Theo.

I've already lost one son.

I don't intend to lose another one.

Sherman needs me.

And besides that, I promised him I'd be with him forever.


- Well that's a promise you had no right to make.

Jake, this is a foster home.

When a child goes back to his real parents,

that's a success story.


- But I happen to love the kid.


- Loving him isn't enough.

You gotta love him enough to let him go.


- Well, maybe that's just something I can't do.


- Well, maybe you don't belong here then.


- Well dammit, maybe I don't.


- Jake, think about what you're doing.

There are other children here besides Sherman.

You think a little piece of me

doesn't go out that door every time a child leaves here?


- Don't Theo, please don't.

Hello, Charlie?

Yeah, it's me.

Look, the tour is on.

Yep, set it up for next week.

I don't care how you do it.

Just set it up for next week.


- Forget next week.

As far as I'm concerned, you can hit the road right now.

Well, don't you worry about it, Theo,

because that's just exactly what I intend to do.


- Uncle Jake, take me with you.

[melancholy music begins]

[melancholy music continues]

[upbeat jazz saxophone music resumes]


- Webster, if Jake wants to leave,

there's really nothing I can do about it.


- Why?

I mean, when I first got my new family,

I tried to run away, but George found me,

Ma'am destroyed breakfast,

and everything was fine.

[audience laughs]


- I'm sure that means something sweetheart.

[audience laughs]

Honey, this may be the best thing for Jake.

It isn't easy when a child leaves here.


- Yeah, but new one's always come, right?


- Well, yes.

You're absolutely right.

Webster, we never had this conversation.


- We haven't. [audience laughs]


- You got it.


- Did I do a good?


- A very good.

[audience laughs]


- Score one for Webster Long?

[audience laughs]

I'm not sure why, but.

[audience laughs]


- Mr O'Keith, Theo Gabler,

about that youngster we discussed.

Can you get him over here today?

Great.

I'll see you a little while.

Hi Sherman.


- Hi Theo.

I told all the kids I'd come back for a visit.

Can I come back for a visit?


- Anytime you like.


- Will Uncle Jake be here.


- Oh, sweetheart,

I'm sorry he didn't come down to say goodbye.


- It's okay, Mrs. Gabler.

Jake helped Sherman pack,

and he and Sherman had a nice long talk.

Isn't that right, Sherman?


- I guess so.


- Goodbye, lovey.

We'll be seeing you, huh?


- I love you, Theo.


- [Audience] Aw.


- I love you too.


- Yo munchkin.

[audience laughs]

Aren't you forgetting something?


- But that's your favorite cap.


- Don't worry.

I'm planning to win it back next time I see you.


- Thanks PJ.

I'll take good care of it.


- And remember, if anyone tries to knock it off your head,

you know who to call.


- Who?


- It's like talking to a smurf.

[audience laughs]

I'll see you kid.

[audience laughs]


- Come on.

I'll walk you to the door.


- Did I tell you I papered his wall with clowns?


- Oh, Terry, you're gonna do just fine.


- Maybe we should have knocked louder.


- If we knocked any louder,

we would've broken the door down.


- Yeah, but Uncle Jake was playing the guitar.

Maybe he just couldn't hear us.


- Jake, Jake.

Doesn't anybody talk about anything except Jake?

He didn't wanna talk to you.

That's all.

Forget it.

Who needs them?

All he cared about was Sherman.


- That's not true.

He cared about all of you very, very much.


- Yeah, that Jake was a great guy.

Can I have his room?

[audience laughs]


- Hi sis.
- [Theo] Hi.


- Hello kiddies.


- [All] Hi uncle Charlie.

[audience laughs]


- Here darling.

Watch the crease.

[audience laughs]

For you.

[audience laughs]


- Charlie, she's a foster child, not a hat jack girl.


- Obviously you weren't in the rumba room last night.


- What?


- Just kidding, forget about it.

Gimme the hat.

Now gimme the dollar. [audience laughs]

So, where's Jake?


- Upstairs.

But don't try talking to him.

He won't listen.


- What do you mean he won't listen,

he'll listen to me, I'm his agent.


- Then tell him to stay with us.


- Yeah, tell him to stay.


- Please.


- Whoa, whoa, and hold on toots.

I'm a businessman.

It's my job to get him out on the road.

It's not my job to keep him here.


- Can't you change jobs?


- Please.


- [Sandy and Mandy] Please!


- Stop it.

[melancholy music begins]

Don't beg.

I hate it when they beg.

I never begged.

I never begged.


- I know, sweetheart.


- I'm sorry, I didn't


- Go upstairs Charlie.


- I didn't mean anything.

[melancholy music continues]

I'm supposed.

[guitar twangs]

[shelving creaks]


- Uncle Jake.

I knew you didn't want me to go.

So I got away from my mother and came right back here.

Isn't that great?

Aren't you happy?

Uncle Jake?

♪ Fiddle dee dee. ♪

[melancholy music continues]


- Forget Fiddle dee dee Sherman.

That's not your place anymore.


- No.

[melancholy music continues]


- Go on, get outta here.


- But you said you love me.


- Well, I lied, okay.

You were just a job to me.

[melancholy music continues]

The only person in the world

that really loves you, is your mother.

You better go find her, before she changes her mind.

Scoot.

[melancholy music continues]

I said Scoot.

[melancholy music continues]

[melancholy music continues]


- Goodbye scene from "The Champ".

It's a nice touch.

[audience laughs]

Little too Jon Voight for me.

You know I, personally I like Wallace Beery.

What do I know?

Just a stupid agent.


- I never called you stupid, Charlie


- You sure you're one of my clients?

[audience laughs]


- Let's see the schedule, Charlie


- You don't have to go, you know.


- Just let me see the schedule.


- This is just tentative.


- We open in Cleveland.


- Nice town. [audience laughs]


- Fine, we open in Cleveland.

What's this penciled in here?


- That's Uncle Berts.


- Uncle Berts, Charlie that's a bowling alley.

That's where I got started.


- It's for old time's sake.

We're gonna be in Cleveland anyway.

I mean, I haven't called Bert,

but I'm sure that when I do, it.

[audience laughs]


- You know, I was so nervous,

standing up there all by myself that night.


- [Charlie] You're brought down the house.


- My first standing ovation.

Boy, that was the time of my life, Charlie.


- Was it Jake?

I think the time of your life is right now.


- What's that supposed to mean?


- I love you Jake, you know that.

I'd do anything for you.

You wanna go on a road, and play cities and nights?

I'm behind you a hundred percent.

But I think you're fooling yourself.

I think what you really wanna do,

is headline here in this house, for these kids.

That's a standing ovation every night.


- Shut up Charlie. What do you know?

You're just a stupid agent.

[audience laughs]


- Well, you are one of my clients.


- Well, Charlie, what do you want from me?

First you book me out on the road.

Now you're asking me to stay.


- So I'm not consistent.


- You've got to be, can't you see, I'm scared.

I'm scared.

One kid leaves me and I'm falling to pieces.

What happens when the next one goes,

and the next one, and the one after that?


- How would I know.

I'm just a stupid agent.

[melancholy music resumes]

[melancholy music continues]

[melancholy music continues]


- So,

guys,

I kind of felt like I,

I owed you guys an explanation about,

you know, about my going and all.

So,

that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna tell it like it is.

And no b*ating around the bush.

I'm gonna come right out and say it.

I was born in a small town outside Paris, Texas.

[audience laughs]


- Uh
-oh, think we're in for a slideshow.

[audience laughs]


- Anyway, when I was eight years old.


- You're starting at eight?

[audience laughs]


- When I was eight years old in Paris, Texas.

I went out once and I caught a bunch of lightning bugs.

I put 'em in a jar.


- Like a pickle jar.


- Well, actually it was a peanut butter jar.


- Why? Don't you like pickles?


- Oh, I love pickles. [audience laughs]


- Then why didn't you use your pickle jar?


- Well, it was broken, okay.


- [Sandy and Mandy] Fine.

[audience laughs]


- So anyway, I'd sit and watch 'em.

God, they were beautiful.

Little tinker bells, little flashes of light,

dancing just for me.

And then one night, one of 'em got away,

and it hurt my feelings so bad that,

I tore the tin foil off,

and I let all the other fireflies go.

I guess I was just thinking that,

if one of 'em was gonna leave me,

why wait around for the rest of 'em to go?


- But that's crazy.

Those other fireflies never did anything to you.


- Well, that's true, PJ,

but I guess I just figured if, if you've been hurt once,

I'm sorry.

[luggage clunking]

[audience laughs]


- I'm all ready Uncle Jake.

[audience laughs]


- Wait a minute, Web?

Well, I guess that's all I have to say.

Unless of course,

one of you has something you'd like to say to me.

[audience laughs]

Right.


- Jake, wait.


- Wait?
- Wait!

[audience laughs]


- Look, I think we've all gained something

from your being here.

It's true, you still have a lot to learn,

but I think you can learn it, and


- And?


- And, well go out there and learn it.

Good luck.

Bon Voyage. [audience laughs]


- [sighs] Let's go, Web.


- All right.

[audience laughs]

[luggage clunking]


- First we're going, then we're staying.

[audience laughs]


- Wait a minute, Web.

[Webster groaning] [audience laughs]

So, where did you come from?


- Out there.

Out there? Who brought you in here?


- A lady.


- What lady?

Where did she go?


- In there?


- In there, huh?

You mean Theo left you out here all by yourself?


- I'm gonna live here now.


- Oh I see.

I guess you must be a little scared, huh?

Can you do this?

[audience laughs]

Kid's a statue.

[audience laughs]

So I guess that's understandable.

You really don't know anybody around here except me.

I'm Jake.

Jake Tyler.


- Jack Ossofsky.


- Pleased to meet you Jack Ossofsky.


- Are you gonna live here with me?


- Oh, well, I'd sure like to,

but you see, I'm a country singer,

and I've gotta go out around the country,

and sing country songs for my country.

[cheerful music begins]

What in the world is that?

[audience laughs]


- Uncle Jake?


- Louder.


- Uncle Jake, please stay, we need you.

[cheerful music swells]


- Jack, what a sweet thing for you to say.

Of course I'll stay.

I need you too.

[audience applauds]

[upbeat jazz saxophone music continues]

[audience applauds]

[upbeat jazz saxophone music continues]

[upbeat jazz saxophone music continues]

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[dramatic logo music]