03x16 - That's Rich

[bunniefuu]

- Maybe now


- Bill.
- What?


- If you were stuck in a room

with no windows and just a mirror on the wall,

how would you get out?


- Ah, I think I know this one.

I look in the mirror, see what I saw, take the saw,

cut a hole in the wall and climb out. [laughs]


- Really?

I'd just go out the door.

[audience laughs]

[Webster laughs]

♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to give more ♪

♪ Than I wanted to ♪

♪ Spending my time ♪

♪ Just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in line, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me ♪

♪ And then came you ♪

[upbeat music]


- Boy, today was on the stink
-o
-meter.

[audience laughs]

How long to bedtime?


- Oh, rough day in the playground.


- The world's greatest field trip just got canceled.

Now I'll never get to meet Captain Atmosphere.


- Is he that bizarre man

on channel three with a satellite on his head?

[audience laughs]


- Yeah.

Our class was supposed to go to the station

and watch a show, but they found out

that they had to pay the bus driver extra money

for working overtime.


- Oh.
- Oh.


- Now we have to go to a dumb ol' dairy farm

and learn how they make cottage cheese.

[audience laughs]


- I'll tell you what,

I'm gonna call down to the station

and see if we can arrange for you

and your class to go down and watch the noon news on Friday.

What do you think of that?


- That's great.

Thank you, George.


- You're welcome.

I mean, it may not be as nice

as going down and watching Captain Atmosphere,

but it's better than watching milk chunk up.

[audience laughs]


- I didn't think visitors were allowed at the station


- Darling, they're not allowed at the station,

but I have a lot of pull down there as you well know.

[audience laughs]


- You do that to me, George.


- What the heck?

You seem like a pretty nice kid.

[audience laughs]


- Emergency.

You won't believe this,

our TV set just blew up and we've gotta watch Super Lotto.

[audience laughs]


- Super, there goes another man

with a satellite on his head. [laughs]

[audience laughs]


- Oh no, it's the state lottery.

Bill and I watch it every week.

Last week we came in
-


- Come on, come on.

[audience laughs]


- Boy, I've rarely seen him so excited.


- Reminds me of the time he put his fuzzy shorts

on inside out.

[audience laughs]


- How come you play the lottery?


- Because if I win, I'll be rich.


- Nobody ever wins the lottery.

[upbeat music]


- Fuzzy shorts?


- They were a gift, okay.

Shh, getting started.


- [Host] And now for today's three numbers.

Watch your tickets.


- I love the lottery.


- The first number is seven.


- Drop dead.


- Bill.
- Fun it is.


- Home come he turned off the TV?


- He lost.

If you don't get all three numbers, you lose.


- You see what I mean?

Nobody wins the lottery.


- That is not true.

You know the guy that runs the produce stand

on Diversity Street?

The one that used to have the butcher shop?


- Oh yeah, the one with the two floppy fingers in his glove?


- Right on, Elma.

[audience laughs]

His housekeeper's brother's landlord knew a guy

who hit this one from a million big ones.

[audience laughs]


- Wow, I could afford to go to Disneyland every day.

Can I play?


- [laughs] Not until you're .


- You smell something?

Burning, burning.

[audience laughs]


- Could be our TV.

Could be our dinner.


- Oh boy.

[audience laughs]


- George, you're over ,

could you buy me a ticket?


- Let me explain something about the lottery, okay.

I think I got a buck here somewhere.

Yeah.


- You see this buck?
- Yeah.


- If I keep it in my hand, what do I have?


- A buck
- Right, I have a buck.


- Of course, that depends on

the current rate of inflation, doesn't it?


- Can I continue darling?

I'm trying to teach him something here.

Now, if I have a buck, you know,

and I go down to the lottery

and I give the guy at the lottery $,

what do I have in my hand?


- Nothing.
- That's it.

Did I explain that pretty well, darling?


- Yes you did.

It was wonderful, and it only cost you a dollar.

Can I finish the back of your hair


- before it grows.
- Hey, gimme my buck.

Hey gimme my buck.

[Webster laughs]

He, he, he, let me see he he,

give me my buck back kid.

[audience laughs]

[bright music]


- Ma'am, please buy me lottery tickets.


- Why that exact number?


- That's exactly how much I have on my savings account.

[audience laughs]


- Oh, very nice.

Well, when you're , you can take all the money

out of your savings account and blow it on the lottery.


- But ma'am, I can't lose.


- I know you can't lose because you can't play.

[audience laughs]

[Katherine laughs]


- Man.

[audience laughs]

Oh, hi honey.


- Oh, Katherine, Katherine.

That's the end of my spanakotiropita.


- I beg your pardon?


- I'll have nothing to do on Friday afternoons anymore.


- What have you been doing with your Friday afternoons?

[audience laughs]


- Having lunch at Zakas's Diner with my beautiful Maria.

[audience laughs]


- Your beautiful Maria?


- Maria Zakas, the proprietor, the beautiful old lady.

My Yaya.


- Oh, the great granny. [laughs]


- Used to go over there

and the aroma used to hit me six blocks down.

Oof.

Spanakotiropita, just like my mama made.


- Well, what's the matter?

Didn't they like you dancing on the tables?


- They loved it.


- Just that when I went there today, it was torn down.

And guess what they put up?

A video arcade.


- Really?

[audience laughs]

It's terrible.

[audience laughs]


- Oh I understand disappointment.

I remember my sixth grade pajama party.

Mother had changed caterers.

I specifically asked for beluga caviar.

Take a cr*cker and I reach and what do I see?

Lump fish.

As if the girls wouldn't know.

Oh, I was heartsick.


- I know what'd cheer you guys up.

Millions and millions of dollars.

All you have to do is buy a lottery ticket or two.

You can have a boat.

I can have a pony.

You could have just about everything.


- Web, Web come on, come on, come on,

you're driving me crazy with that lottery ticket.


- George.


- Okay, tomorrow I'm gonna go down

and I'm gonna buy a lottery ticket from your allowance.


- Thank you George.


- Now, I think you'll have to excuse me, I,

I gotta get a pliers or maybe a screwdriver.

Take the tie off of my briefcase.

[audience laughs]


- Honey, be kind.

Sometimes he is a little peculiar

but it's not every day that you lose your Yaya.

[audience laughs]


- I thought Yaya meant yes twice.


- So did I, but don't tell George.

[audience laughs]

[bright music]

Okay, right.

Oh good, uh huh.

Well you see, I really appreciate this

'cause I got three Greek cookbooks,

but I couldn't find it in any one of them.

Oh, you, oh, thank you.

Yes.

Okay, bye


- Ma'am, how'd you find George's Yaya?


- Webster please, I didn't work at city hall

all those years for nothing.

I got them to look up her business license.


- [George] Yoo hoo, Katherine, are you home?


- Yeah, honey, we're in here.


- Hi you two.
- Hi.


- Well, here's the deal.

I talked to my boss, then I talked to your teacher

and then they talked.

And guess what, Web?

You and your class are gonna go down and watch tomorrow

the noon day news.


- All right.

[audience laughs]


- I thought you'd like that.

Excuse me.
- Oh, what are you doing?


- Woo, woo, woo, darling, I want some milk.


- We don't have any milk.


- Yes we do, ma'am,

I just poured a glass of it myself.

[audience laughs]


- You look tired.

I'll get you some milk.


- I have a little surprise for you.

Here you are, your lottery ticket.


- Wow, I'm gonna be rich.


- Or you're gonna be out a dollar.

[Katherine laughs]


- Now all we have to do is pick out our six numbers

to win a million dollars.


- Six, I thought it was three numbers?


- No, but this is the weekly darling.

It's the same amount of money,

you know, it's still a dollar, but the payoff's bigger.


- Okay, let's choose our six numbers

and so we can turn in our lottery ticket.

Okay dokie.
- Let's start with

our lucky numbers.

What's yours ma'am?


- Oh three, you know, the size of our family? [laughs]


- Three, okay.

Minus is six.


- Six?


- That's how many toes Tony Becker's cat has

on his right front paw.


- What a lucky number.


- Well put down eight for me.

That'll be my jersey number, number .


- Okay, now we have three more numbers to pick out.

Let's go with our ages now.

Mine is .


- .


- What's yours ma'am?

[Katherine laughs]


- What's so lucky about our ages?

[audience laughs]


- Without them we wouldn't have birthday cakes.

[audience laughs]


- I'll put yours, baby.


- Wait a minute, honey, I'll fill it in later

and just drop it off on my way to work, okay.


- Okie doke.


- When I win that money

I'm gonna be the happiest kid in the whole world.

[bright music]

[upbeat music]


- Oh, Mrs. Zakas come in.

I'm so happy you could come.


- If you so happy, why you make me come in the back door?


- Ooh, ooh, it's because George just left

for work and I don't want him to know

'cause it's a surprise.

Can I take your coat?


- Thank you.

Well, you're so skinny.

George never said he was married to such a noodle.


- Oh, thank you Mrs. Zakas.


- I'm not making you a compliment.

You should put a meat on those bones.

But you better call me Yaya,

so I know who you're talking to.


- Oh, very well, Yaya.

I think you should know that

the Greek cuisine is not exactly my forte,

but I'm no stranger to the kitchen.

I can't tell you how many times

that my dinner guests have said to me, Katherine

I can't eat another bite.

[audience laughs]


- I'm gonna save us all a bundle of trouble.

I look at you.

I see you're never gonna cook no spanakotiropita.

Ah, I make this up this morning.

You tell George you made it.


- Oh, it's no, no, no, no, no.

I can't do that.

No, no, I have to make it myself.


- Let me see your hands.

Hmm, now give ya your good squeeze.

Come on, squeeze.

You better take Yaya's.

You make this stuff, you hurt yourself.


- No, no, now Yaya,

let me ask you something.

Have you ever heard the old adage

feed a man and he eats today,

teach him how to make bread and he eats forever.


- No.

[audience laughs]


- Oh, okay, let me simplify this.

Yaya please, you gotta teach me.


- Okay, we use my dish as a model.


- Good, see, I got all the ingredients

that you told me to get over the phone.


- Oh, good.

Now you watch Yaya.

Okay. I make here.

You make there step by step, side by side.

Even you can do it.


- Thank you. [audience laughs]

[upbeat music]


- Well, I guess the kids liked

the Noonday News all right, huh?


- Yeah.


- Let me ask you a question,

you know your friend Stewy Becker?

Why does he always walk backwards?

[Webster laughs]


- He lost a bet.


- Wow, I smell spanakotiropita.

It looks just like Yaya's.

[George laughs]

Well come here.

Look at this work of art.


- Hi art.

[audience laughs]


- Come and tell me about your field trip

and let the man drool in private.

[bright music]


- There we are.

Oh, are you expecting the lottery fairy?


- Right now it's a lottery ticket,

but tomorrow it's a million dollars.


- Mm hmm.


- [Webster] Have you decided what you're gonna buy

when we win all that money?


- Well, I try not to spend my chickens

before they're hatched.


- Huh?

[Katherine laughs]


- The lottery is a gamble

and when you gamble, you have to be prepared to lose.


- Not when you're lucky like me.


- Well I hope so.

Goodnight my darling.

Mm. [kisses cheek]
- Goodnight.


- Sleep well.

[bright music]


- Tomorrow's the big day.

I'm gonna have everything I ever wanted.

Yeah.

[bright music]

I'm rich.

I'm rich.

I'm really rich.


- Here's the hall, sir.

Oh, will it be one more time around the mansion?


- No thank you Butler Bob.

[Bob sights] [audience laughs]

Thank you Maid Mimi.

[audience laughs]


- Will there be anything else sir?


- Nay.

[audience laughs]

How's my homework coming along?

[audience laughs]


- And you are doing very well.


- Of course, I'm very well to do.

[audience laughs]

[Bob laughs]

[audience laughs] [Webster laughs]

[triumphant music]


- George Papadopoulos, your father.

[audience laughs]


- Yoo hoo, Web.


- Hi, oh Butler Bob, would you do me a favor

could you get me some pliers and maybe a screwdriver?

[audience laughs]

I got my stuck again.


- I don't have one on me, sir, but I'll fetch one.


- Okie Dokie.

Well, here we go, your daily allowance.


- Great.


- One gold nugget.

Two gold nugget.

Three gold nugget, four.

Five gold nugget.

Six gold nugget.

Seven gold nugget.

Hey, who are we kidding?

Here, have all of them.

There's plenty more where that comes from.

[audience laughs]


- This is great.


- Oh, isn't this a lovely day?

[audience laughs]

[triumphant music]


- Katherine Calder
-Young Papadopoulos, your ma'am.

[audience laughs]


- Webster, this pearl you gave me is simply perfect.


- It was nothing.

It was just a leftover from the necklace I had made

for the Statue of Liberty.

[audience laughs]


- Oh, you know, I always used to think

that sports were so common,

but now with this, ooh.

[Katherine makes cheerful noises]

[audience laughs] [ball rolling along floor]

[bowling pins crash]


- Bravo, bravo, bravo my darling.


- It's simply divine.


- If you think that pearl was something

wait until I buy you the famous Neil Diamond.

[audience laughs]

[triumphant music]


- William and Cassandra Parker, your neighbors.

[dramatic tango music] [audience laughs]


- How nice to see you.


- Hello, hello.

We can only stay a sec.

We have to rush right back down

to our basement penthouse.


- Yes, we're going to be interviewed

for lifestyles of the incredibly rich,

but not so famous. [laughs]

[audience laughs]


- I see they've put your picture on a new piece of currency.


- Yes, the zillion dollar bill.

[audience laughs]


- They had to.

We have more money than the government.

[audience laughs]


- And we owe it all to

[triumphant music]

[audience laughs]

the lottery tickets.


- Oh.

[William and Cassandra clap]

Here, here.


- Not to forget the generosity of Webster.


- Oh it was so nice of you

to share it with all of us.


- When rich, everyone I love is rich.


- Oh, when you give out of love, you're rich,

even without money,


- [Group] You're rich, even without money.

You're rich, even without money.

You're rich, even without money.

You're rich, even without money.

You're rich, even without money.

You're rich, even without money.

You're rich, even without money.

You're rich, even without money.

You're rich, even without money.

[slow bright music]


- And now, for this week's six numbers.

Everybody have their tickets?

Yes.

[Katherine laughs]


- All right, I want you to listen up now.

Here's where you lose your buck.


- Well somebody's gotta win.


- You wanna bet it's not one of us?


- Oh.
- Will you be quiet?

I'm trying to concentrate.


- [Host] The first number is six.

[upbeat music]


- I hate that guy.


- Oh, we have a six.

That's my lucky number.


- Eight.
- That's my lucky number.


- We're gonna win.


- .
- Ah, your age. [laughs]


- [Host] The fourth number is three.


- This is crazy.

Katherine, that's, that's your number.

I can't believe this.


- Lotto's fifth number is nine.


- That's my age.

Disneyland here I come.


- I have never ever been this close

to someone who's this close.


- Oh no.
- I'll get you an antacid.


- And the last lotto number is .

[audience cheers]

[George speaks faintly]

[upbeat music]

, oh.


- Oh , Katherine.


- Oh, katherine, that's your age.

We won.

[group yells and cheers]


- A million dollars.
- Oh , we won it.

We won, we won, we won.

It says here.

Must be upside down.

Turn it around.

, turn it around.

It says .

Katherine.

You lied.

[audience laughs]

You lied about your age.

Oh Katherine, you're and you lied about your age.


- George, think of it this way.

If the man had said , you would be very happy right now.


- Oh.

[George groans] [audience laughs]

I'm gonna k*ll you Katherine.


- No, no, George, don't k*ll her.

Let me k*ll her.

[audience laughs]


- We're gonna k*ll you Katherine..

You lied about your age, we lost a million dollars.

[Katherine cries]


- Ma'am, are you okay?


- I think so.

[audience laughs]


- George, are you okay?

Are you sure?


- Yes.

[audience laughs]


- Can have the bag.

[Katherine cries]

[audience laughs]


- Sorry I made you cry.

It's just that it isn't every day that

I lose

[paper bag rustles]

[audience laughs] [George breathes loudly]

a million dollars.

[Katherine cries]


- I don't know what got into me.

It was just a like a reflex.

I don't always like to say that I'm , whatever,

so I just
-


- Lost us the million dollars.

[Webster groans] [audience laughs]


- That's a spirit, Webster,

tell it like it is.

Oh, what does it matter?

If you have money

when you've got what we've got, really?

You know, it's like George

when you sent Webster's whole class on that field trip.

You know, you can be rich without having money.


- That's what you said in my dream, ma'am.

[soft music]


- I did?

Oh, I'm even smart in your dreams

[audience laughs] [soft music]


- When you've got love, you're rich even without money.

[soft music]

You know what?

We could have won all the money in the world

but we still wouldn't have been as rich as we are now.


- Oh, thank you.

And you did that same thing when you called Yaya

and had her teach you how to make those spiny things.

[Katherine laughs]


- Oh you called, and she came and made, oh.

[soft music]

I'm sorry darling.

[soft music]


- Thank you.


- I love you guys.

[soft music] [audience applauds]

[upbeat music]

[dramatic music]