03x05 - Alien

[bunniefuu]

- A nice drinky of water for you, planty
-wanty.


- George, why do you always talk to plants?


- Because they like it.

Helps 'em grow.

Keeps 'em healthy, wealthy, and wise.

[audience laughing]

Let me have that now.

For that another plant.


- Wait, George.

I got it covered.

[happy music]

[audience laughing]

♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Losing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Have no need to give more than I wanted to ♪

♪ Spending my time just holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ Its not the thing to do ♪

♪ Oh
-hoo
-hoo then there was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh
-hoo
-hoo it was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right in line, sinker and hook ♪

♪ Never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me ♪

♪ And then came you ♪

[happy music]


- [George] I can't believe this!

The Bears traded Hirschtick!


- George, what are you talking about?


- I was in the front office for three hours yesterday

and they swore to me they were gonna keep him.


- Were those the same guys that swore

they were gonna win last week?


- Well, maybe the paper made a mistake.


- No, it's gotta be true, Web.

It's right here in black and white.


- [Cassie] Good morning.

Are you awake?


- Of course they're awake.

I told you we should have come up earlier.


- Oh, I hope I'm not disturbing you.

If it was up to Bill, we would've come up here last night

with this as soon as he found it.

You know, we did get home quite late.

Oh, Catherine, we found the most delightful

little French cafe.

The food is comme ci comme ca.

But the waiters, oh, what is this tea?

Oh, Bill, smell this.


- Cassie, will you get to the point?


- Oh, I'm sorry.

The person brought this letter for you

and put it in our box by mistake.

This tea smells delicious.


- Will you stop sniffing that tea and give it to 'em?


- Oh, I just knew that if I had brought it up last night

it would've ruined your whole evening, you know?


- So you wanna ruin my morning?


- I'm dying of suspense.

Its from the IRS

[George gasps]
- Uh
-oh.


- What does the IRS spell?


- Trouble.

[audience laughing]


- We're being audited.


- Read it and weep.

[audience laughing]

[happy music]


- Which one do you want?

Peanut butter and jelly or pickle, mayonnaise on wheat?


- Peanut butter and jelly.


- I was hoping you'd say that.


- You know, you eat the weirdest things.

Hey, wait till you see what I've got.

"The National Discoverer."

My mom wrapped the garbage in it last night,

but I took it out of the trash.

[audience laughing]


- Do they always smell like that?

[audience laughing]


- Sorry, we had fish for dinner.


- Was it cooked?

[audience laughing]


- Check this stuff out!

"Man hiccups himself to death."

[audience laughing]


- Oh!

"Poodle named Peewee plays piano."

[audience laughing]


- Hey, look at this one!

A lady who has a birthmark shaped like Boy George's hat.

[audience laughing]


- Wow!

Talk about lucky.

[audience laughing]


- "Farmer learns that son is from planet Jupiter."


- You think this is true?

[audience laughing]


- Well, must be.

Look, there's the picture of the farmer.

[audience laughing]

Oh, his son must be from Jupiter, he has horns.


- I think that's a cow.

[audience laughing]

But, oh look, they have a test!

"How to see if you're from Jupiter."


- I'll give you the test.


- I don't even get a chance to study?

[audience laughing]


- Question one.

"Do you look different than the people you live with?"

[audience laughing]


- Yeah, but that doesn't mean I'm from Jupiter.

[audience laughing]


- "Do you have trouble remembering things

more than years ago?"


- I'm only nine.

[audience laughing]


- We have to answer yes or no.


- That's a yes, but it doesn't mean anything.


- "Can you see the future in your dreams?"


- Ha, that's no.

The last dream I had was I was being chased

by a giant ball of fur.

[audience laughing]


- Was that before or after Mrs. Griffin's sheepdog

chased you all the way to school?


- Before.

[audience laughing]

That's a yes.

[audience laughing]


- Last question.

"Do you like to eat strange combinations of food?"

[audience laughing]

Y
-E
-S.

"If you have answered 'yes'

to three or more of these questions,

congratulations, you're from Jupiter!"

[audience laughing]


- Come on, I told you I'm not from Jupiter.


- Webster, you got all four questions right.


- Then what does it mean?


- It means you're going home.


- What?

Let me see that!

"Jupiter is in trouble.

All aliens will be taken home at noon."

[audience laughing]

The th, that's Monday!


- What if you don't wanna go?


- "Absolutely no exceptions."

[ominous music]

I can't be from Jupiter.

Can I?

[ominous music]

[happy music]

[audience laughing]


- ABCSTANAINT?

What language is that?


- No, no, no, that's ABCSINT.

ABC Sports interview.

I went for a job, but I didn't get it.

I took the tie as a business write off.

[audience laughing]


- This is your receipt?


- It's proof of purchase.

[audience laughing]


- Well, we'll file it in long sh*ts.

[audience laughing]

George, you spent $,

at a place called Bachelor's Paradise?

[audience laughing]


- That's not the price, darling.

That's a telephone number.

[audience laughing]

I almost forgot about her.

[audience laughing]


- "Her?"


- Yeah, Polly and her pet parrots.

[audience laughing]

You should have seen her, darling.

She used to come out in this cr*cker suit

and all the guys used to just kind of
-


- George, spare me please.

[audience laughing]


- Hi, guys.

Are you busy?


- Sort of. [chuckles]


- Okay.

I just wanna see how you guys would feel

if I had to leave home one day.


- Oh, honey, we'd be fine, fine.

My parents were fine when I left.


- Where did you have to go?


- Finishing school, it took me forever to be finished.

[audience laughing]

You know, it was kind of good of my mother though

to ease me out of the nest.


- And you weren't scared?


- When I left home sure I was.

You know, finishing school was only miles away.

But to me it felt like I was going to the moon.

[audience laughing]


- Yeah, we knew you wouldn't be with us forever.


- I didn't know you knew.


- Well, now you know I know.


- And it doesn't bother you?


- Oh, we'll miss you, but we'll keep in touch, huh?

[audience laughing]


- But I don't know my new address.

[audience laughing]


- Well, sweetheart, don't worry about that now.

I mean, once you get there and get settled

we'll take care of everything.

[audience laughing]


- Yeah, if I were you, I'd just sit back and enjoy the ride.

[audience laughing]


- Okay, if you say so.


- This is cute, George.

Now, is this business or entertainment?

[audience laughing]

[mellow music]

[high tempo trumpet music]


- Did you finish wiring it yet?

[audience laughing]


- I think it would be easier to turn a lamp into a trumpet.

[audience laughing]


- Hi, guys.


- [Cassie] Hi, Web!


- Hello there!


- I guess you guys are busy, too.


- Oh, never too busy for you, Webster.

What's up, huh?


- Well, do you know anything about Jupiter?


- Oh, let's see.

Unless it's changed since I went to school,

it's the largest planet in the solar system, has moons.

It's the planet that rules Sagittarius.

Let's look it up.


- And it'll take you more than

a couple of hours to get there.


- Even in a UFO?


- Oh, in the UFO it'll take you about a half an hour.

[audience laughing]

Give or take five minutes for traffic.

[audience laughing]


- How do you know that?


- I read about it in an article

in a "Today's Science" magazine about Project Blue Book.


- What's that?


- It's a code name for a secret government agency

that kept track of aliens and UFOs and stuff like that.

And if you ask me, I think we should get a hold of some

of those little green men and find out what they're doing.

[audience laughing]


- Are they always little green men?

[audience laughing]


- Oh, heck no.

I mean, you've been to the movies, Web.

Aliens come in all shapes and sizes.


- As a matter of fact, Webster,

I'm not positive that you are not one of them.

[audience laughing]


- You're not?


- Nope.

According to my article in the magazine,

you could have an alien in living right next door to you

and not even know it.

[audience laughing]


- You know, Web, Bill might be, right?

I mean, we've put men on the moon.

Who's to say they haven't put somebody down here?

[ominous music]

[happy music]

[knocking on door]


- Glad you're here, come on in.


- This better be important.

I'm supposed to be doing my homework.

[door slams shut]


- Listen, remember what we read about me being from Jupiter?


- Yeah?


- Well, it's true!

I asked Bill and Cassie about it,

and Bill said there was a good chance

of me being an alien.

And I asked ma'am and George about it,

and they knew about me leaving.

And then George even said to enjoy the ride!

I've been thinking about it and I don't wanna go.

[audience laughing]


- Well, maybe you can get a out of it.

Maybe the paper made a mistake.


- Newspapers don't make a mistake.

George said so.

It's like when the Bears traded Hirschstick.

When something's put in the paper

in black and white, it has to be true.


- Gee, if your dad says so.

I guess you really are going to Jupiter?

[ominous music]


- Boy, I'm really gonna miss this place.

[mellow music]

[happy music]


- Hi.

[eerie music]

Earth to Webster, Earth to Webster.

Come in please, come in please.


- Oh, hi guys.


- If you're thinking about dusting,

it goes better with a rag.

[audience laughing]


- No, I just want to remember exactly how everything looks.

You know, from when I'm gone.


- Hmm.


- Why is he so worried about leaving all of a sudden?


- Well, we covered this in class.

It's called separation anxiety.

The best thing you can do for them

is just to keep reassuring them.

Webster?

You know, leaving home isn't something

that you should get really worried about.

It's something that you can look forward to.

Just try and think of it

as a great, exciting adventure.

You know?


- Oh, oh, be still my b*ating heart. [chuckles]

A perfect receipt.

Look at this.

Look at this.

The name of the restaurant, the amount,

all the people listed.

The purpose of the lunch.

It's heaven.

It's here, look at this.

Oh, I'm so proud of you.


- That's not my handwriting.

[audience laughing]

Catherine, I don't know these people.

[audience laughing]

I've never been in this restaurant.

[audience laughing]


- After I leave, will I still be able to phone home?


- Sure.


- Absolutely, you can call us collect.


- Okay, but it's gonna be long distance.

Very long distance.

[audience laughing]

[happy music]


- [Rob] So tomorrow's the big day, huh?


- [Webster] Yep.


- You know, you're lucky to be going to Jupiter.

My mom won't even let me go to the video arcade.

[audience laughing]


- I looked up Jupiter in an encyclopedia.

It's degrees below zero.


- Better bring a sweater.

[audience laughing]


- Good idea.

I wonder if the spacemen will pick me up at school?

Or should I meet them at the airport?

[audience laughing]


- If I were you, I'd stay right here.


- Then I'd have to miss school.


- Hey, it's an important occasion.


- So was my birthday,

but ma'am and George still made me go to school.

[audience laughing]


- Pretend you're sick.

I mean, you don't wanna miss the flight, do you?


- Maybe I should just ask them.


- They're parents, they'll say no.


- They said they'd understood.


- They're parents, they'll change their minds.

[audience laughing]


- I don't know, Rob.

I've never done anything like that.


- [sighs] Come on.

Who would you rather have mad at you?

Your parents or the entire planet Jupiter?

[audience laughing]


- Tough choice.

[audience laughing]

[mellow music]


- [Bill] I cannot believe that you

are making Catherine go to the audit by herself.


- She volunteered, okay.

Besides, as soon as I get through dropping Web

off at school, I have an interview with Maurice Latour.


- Oh, the hockey player

that got thrown outta the game for bad behavior?


- No, the hockey player that got thrown out

of the penalty box for bad behavior.

[audience laughing]


- Gentlemen?

Pretend you are IRS agents.

Ta
-da!

What do you see?


- She looks confident.


- She looks professional.


- She looks businesslike.


- I was right.

Undo the top two buttons.

[audience laughing]


- Oh, Cassie, I can't believe that women

in today's business world have to stoop

to such cheap tricks.

I mean, the only figures the IRS wanna see

are right over there in those boxes.

[audience laughing]


- Just two!

Two!

[audience laughing]


- If you are smart, you'll cave in at the first opportunity.


- Yeah, Catherine, if it's just a couple of bucks.


- Wait a minute!

Are you two suggesting

that I, a Calder
-Young, take a dive, huh?

Absolutely not.


- If she blows it and you end up in the slammer,

don't say I didn't warn you.

[audience laughing]


- Catherine's not worried.


- She's not the one who's going to the slammer.

[audience laughing]


- What do you have your pajamas on for?


- Will one of you guys feel my head?

I think I caught a cold or something.


- You don't feel like you have a fever.


- Is your stomach upset?


- Yeah, it feels pretty yucky.


- Oh, no!

Do you feel achy all over?


- Yeah, that's good, I mean, yes I do, ma'am.


- Well, I think I'll just call the IRS and reschedule.


- [snaps fingers] And use it.

If you let them know your kid is sick

they might go easy on you.


- Oh, please, please don't reschedule.

We'll be happy to stay with him.


- Really?
- Yeah.


- Oh, thank you.

Is that okay with you?


- Sure.


- Good, I'd be glad to get this thing over with.

I won't be long, sweetheart.

[smacks a kiss]

Bye
-Bye.
- Bye, ma'am.


- Bye, darling.


- Goodbye, George.


- Yeah, I'll see you later.


- That would be nice.

[audience laughing]


- [Catherine] Bye!


- [Bill] Bye, Catherine, bye, George.


- We were just gonna do our yoga, but we can do it up here.

I like the discipline.

Bill likes the heavy breathing.

[audience laughing]

You wanna lie down and watch?

Want a hug?

[melancholy music]

Wanna devilled egg?

Cookie?

[audience laughing]

[mellow music]

[knocking on door]


- [Catherine] Web?

[mellow music]

Web?

Are you okay?


- Yes, ma'am.

Come on in.


- Hi, honey.

Are you feeling better?

I brought you some juice.


- I think I just need to rest a little more.

Did your appointment go okay.


- Well, I'll tell you all about that later.

Okay, the juice is here,

and I'll be downstairs if you need me.


- Okay.

Goodbye, ma'am.


- Goodbye, sweetheart.

[mellow music]

[zips unzipping]

[mellow music]

[Catherine whistling]


- [gasps] Catherine, you're back already?


- [Catherine] Hi.


- Well, they didn't even give you time to beg.


- Oh, George, this audit was proof positive

that you need a better filing system.


- So how much are we talking about?


- Oh, $.

Plus the interest accrued over the last three years.


- So are they gonna prosecute?

[audience laughing]


- No, I think they're just gonna write you a check.


- What do you mean "write me a check?"

Write me a check?
- George, you overpaid.


- Oh.
- You silly schmoozle.

[audience laughing]

Oh, thank you, darling, that's great!


- Yes.


- Well, they sure took their time

getting back to me, didn't they?

[audience laughing]


- What is this, another business deduction?


- No, its little present for Web.

He's gonna love this.


- Oh, that's cute.

What is it?


- A goalie mask.

Sweetheart, it's a goalie mask.

He's gonna love this.

You know what?

That guy that I interviewed, that hockey player,

he is so nice, darling.

You know, I can't believe that he bit some guy's ear off.

[audience laughing]

[knocking on door]

[clock ticks over]


- Right on time.

[audience laughing]

Come in.

[Bill exclaiming]


- No!

No, I don't wanna go!

Please understand, I don't wanna go to Jupiter!

[audience laughing]


- Good heavens!


- You're not an alien, you're George.


- Who else would you think I'd be?


- I know I'm from Jupiter, but I like it here.

And even though you said I had to go,

don't you think they can get along up there without me?


- What are you talking about?

Why are you dressed?

Why is this bag on the bed?

What are you talking about, you going to Jupiter?


- It's right here, printed in black and white.


- Oh, Web, oh, Web, come on!

[audience laughing]

Web, this is garbage.

This is garbage here.

[audience laughing]

Even smells like garbage.

[audience laughing]


- But you said they wouldn't print anything

unless it was true.


- Oh, now, Web.

There are newspapers and then there's newspapers.

You know the papers that I read in the morning?

Well, they tell real stories.

This one makes up stories.


- Why?


- Money.

This is quite a candy stash here.

[audience laughing]

Look at this.

Can I see this?

[audience laughing]

They make these sensational headlines right?

In this newspaper and then you open it up,

but the story's quite different.

Here, come here, look at this one.

"Lake Michigan in years

is going to be full of tomato soup."

[audience laughing]

Who's gonna be here to check?


- Yeah, well, I never thought of that.


- You know, I sure wish you would've asked us.


- But I did!


- Well, you didn't make it real clear.

And if you had brought us this in the beginning,

well, we could have cleared this up immediately.

You know, if you want some help,

go and ask one of the grownups that you trust.

Me or George or Cassie or Bill or your teachers.


- Yeah, Web, you see,

people who care about you would never steer you wrong.

Now you're not from Jupiter, you're not going anywhere.


- Boy, that's a relief.

But where did you guys think I was going?


- Well, college, a job, a life.

But much later, and not until you're ready


- Although it might have been fun living on another planet.


- Nah, it couldn't be that much fun.


- Well, how do you know that?


- Because you guys wouldn't be there.

[audience groans and applauding]

[upbeat music]

["Webster" theme playing]

[logo fanfare]