03x04 - Big Problems

[bunniefuu]

♪ Set in my ways losing track of the days ♪

♪ Never getting caught up. ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, hoo it was you then came you ♪

♪ You made me leap without taking a look ♪

♪ I never thought forever was the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and then came you ♪

[theme music]


- Ward, Beaver, I'm home.

[audience laughing]


- Hi darling.

Lost my tennis shoe.


- Oh, where'd you see it last?


- Here.

[audience laughing]


- Considering the socks

I'm surprised the other one hasn't left.

[audience laughing]


- Swear darling there's a Bermuda Triangle

in here somewhere.

[audience laughing]


- I knew they wouldn't catch us.


- They would have if you didn't know all the shortcuts.


- Yeah, I thought we were goners when we got to the fence

and you couldn't fit under it.


- I made it, didn't I?


- Yeah, I never saw anyone jump it before.


- You know, they didn't look that tough to me.

I bet that if we had stayed, we could have beaten them.


- b*at? b*at Who?

What are you talking about?

You're dirty.

What? Have you two been fighting?

Who is this I'm talking to?


- This is my new best friend, Rob.

He just moved here from Ohio.


- Oh, hi.


- I started in Webster's class today.

Oh, and you're best friends already.


- Yeah, he saved my life. Isn't he great?


- Wait a minute. What do you mean saved your life?

What did you do?


- Didn't do anything.


- He didn't.


- These fifth grade creeps.

They were starting up with Webster.


- So what did you do?


- Well, since Rob was the tallest guy in our class

he was bigger than their biggest guy.

So when their guy shoved me, Rob punched his lights out.

[audience laughing]


- Then what happened?


- We ran.

[audience laughing]


- Oh, well, running away is good.

Running away is good.

Fighting, I don't think is such a good idea.


- Absolutely not.

But once in a while, a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do.

[audience laughing]
- Yeah.


- And this was one of those times.

So I did.

Those guys shouldn't have been picking on Webster.

It's just not fair.


- Oh, well I guess since this was

kind of a special occasion, we should thank you.

Thank you.


- That's okay.

Can Rob stay with tonight? Want to?


- No, honey, this is a school night.

But you could come tomorrow.


- Yeah, we're having barbecue hamburgers tomorrow night.

I'll make one in the shape of Ohio, just for you.

[audience laughing]

That's a square state, isn't it?

[audience laughing]


- George is the best barbecuer in the whole world.

Name the state and he can cook it.

[audience laughing]


- Well, I'm gonna call your parents and see if it's okay.


- Well, I only have a mom and her phone isn't in yet.


- Oh, okay.


- Oh, we can go ask her in person.

Rush to your house.

On your marks, get set,

hey I didn't say go yet.


- Oh, God.

Don't you think it would be a nice idea

just to kind of freshen up?

Why am I talking to myself?

They're just gonna get dirty again.

Darling the shoe's not in there.

I guess they're using it for a planter for a UFO.

[audience laughing]


- George, if I promise to help you look for your shoe

would you sit down and help me with something?


- Sure. What is it darling?


- Oh, well, it's nothing major really.

It's just this morning at :,

I decided that I hate my job.


- Was the coffee bad?

[audience laughing]


- No, no not the coffee, the potholes.


- Pothole?


- The potholes on Cicero Avenue.

They're not gonna be fixed for another month.

Because I sent in the forms in triplicate

and new city policy says, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You must send them in in quadruplicate.

I am just up to here with all the bureaucracy

and the red tape.

I mean, it takes forever

to get the smallest thing accomplished.


- That's why they call it work.

[audience laughing]

Now, watch me mold this

into a perfect sphere of culinary art.

[audience laughing]


- George, Rob lived in Hawaii

and they put pineapple on their burgers.


- Well, it's fine, but we'll stick to tomatoes.

[audience laughing]


- Maybe you should just quit.


- Oh, I don't like to think of myself as a quitter.


- You're right.

It's beneath you. Resign.

[audience laughing]


- All right, sweetheart, this is your turn.

Smack those suckers flat.

[audience laughing]
- Yeah.


- George, Rob's father was in the Air force

and they got to live all over the place.

Isn't that neat?


- Sounds like it'd be hard to make friends.


- Wish he'd hurry up and get here.


- Besides, I mean, I just don't know what to do.


- Nothing in the Classifieds, huh?


- Oh, millions of jobs,

but computers and, you know, I mean, how do you choose?


- Well, what would you like to do?


- Well, I don't know.

I'd like to, I think I'd like to work with people,

you know, maybe something to make a difference

in their lives.


- Ma'am, why don't you become a firefighter?

They make a difference.

[audience laughing]


- Speaking of firefighting, it's time to light the grill.

Let's go kid.


- George is the only man in the world

who would barbecue in this kind of weather.

It must be degrees out there.


- Fifteen, with the wind chill factor.

[audience laughing]


- I do it for the challenge, Cass.

Well, let's go chip the ice off the charcoal.


- Shut the door.

[audience laughing]


- Well, I guess, but I, if I had to be specific

I'd say a service oriented profession.


- Did I tell you that after Rita was born

I worked in real estate for a while?


- I didn't know you had a daughter named Rita.


- I don't, Rita's my niece.


- Oh.


- But the birth still exhausted me.

[audience laughing]


- I don't think I'm the real estate type.

They have to be so peppy.


- That was fast.

Oh, shut the door!

[audience laughing]


- I never met a brickette I couldn't torch.

[audience laughing]


- All you did was turn on the gas.

[audience laughing]
- Don't snitch on me.

[Webster laughing] [audience laughing]


- George, if Katherine quits her job

what do you think she should do?


- Well, I frankly think that she should stay home

dress sexy and do anything I want her to do.

[audience laughing]


- Well, let's stick to what she's trained for.

[audience laughing] [audience applause]

What did you study in college?


- Well, I majored in psychology and minored in anthropology.


- Maybe you could get work as a shrink for gorillas.

[audience laughing]


- You're not helping.


- Oh, I'm sorry.

[audience laughing]


- It's Rob.


- [Rob] Hi.


- How you doing?


- Do I still get my Ohio burger?


- You betcha.


- Come on, I'll show you my room.


- Want that Ohio burger with or without pickles?

[audience laughing]


- Welcome to the national headquarters

of Webster Long incorporated.


- Hey, neat.

Is this Patrick Ewing?


- Yep, cost me two week's allowance, but it's worth it.


- How come it's hung at knee level?


- It's not hung at knee level.

It's hung at me level.

[audience laughing]

Well it was great yesterday.

I'll never be afraid of those big guys again.


- Oh, I get it.

You want me to stick up to you every time there's trouble.


- It would be nice to have a bodyguard in school.

You're the biggest kid in class.


- So that's why you're being nice to me.

'Cause I'm big.


- Gee, Rob.

People are supposed to be nice to each other.


- Yeah, I've had a lot of friends

who were real nice to me.

Especially when they wanted something.


- I didn't say I wanted anything.


- You didn't have to.

I've been through this before.

I'd rather have no friends at all

than a friend that's just trying to use me.


- Rob. Wait.


- Here's one, high pay, room for advancement.

No experience necessary.

Well, it's perfect.

[audience laughing]


- How would you like to floss somebody else's teeth?

[audience laughing]


- Rob, come back.
- No running in the house.


- Hey!


- Webster?

Honey, what happened? Did you guys have a fight?


- I don't think so.


- What's going on?


- I don't know.

I just lost my best friend.

[theme music]


- Huh, even the door is against me.

[audience laughing]


- Hi ma'am.

[audience laughing]


- Webster?

[audience laughing]

Honey, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to throw my coat on you.

My mind just be still on potholes.

[audience laughing]


- It's okay, it's been that kind of a day.


- Yeah, me too, in quadruplicate.


- I wish I could figure out what's bothering Rob.


- Wish I could figure out how to get out of the paperwork

and get into people work.

[audience laughing]


- It's driving me crazy.


- Why don't we carpool? I'm heading that way myself.

[audience laughing]


- Rob won't even talk to me.


- Why not?


- He won't talk to any of the kids.


- Oh, why though? Why?


- Well, because on the first day, the guys made fun of him

because his pants had a hole in the knee.

So I wrote him this letter.


- Can I read it?

Dear Rob, I didn't laugh at your pants.

And you don't have to be my bodyguard.

I don't want anything except for you to be my friend.

Your friend Webster.

Well that's a very nice letter.


- Is that enough or should I put a piece of gum

in the envelope?

[audience laughing]


- I would definitely put a piece of gum in the envelope.

And you know what else?

Take the letter around personally

and ask him if he'd like to come to dinner tonight.


- And what if he says no?


- Well, what if he says yes?

I have an idea.

If you can get him to come over here

I just might find a way to get Rob to open up.


- So I thought, what if in the normal course of conversation

we the, you know, the confident adults

reveal to Rob all those little insecurities that plagued us

when we were children.


- We'd bore 'em silly.

[audience laughing]


- Come on Bill, let's play along with it.

I think she's got a good idea.


- Thanks honey.

I mean, all we wanna do is let the kid know

that there's life after childhood.


- Oh, it's a sweet idea.

It'll be like group therapy.


- Not me, I'm outta here.

I'm not spilling my guts in front of a crowd.


- No man ever stands so tall

as when he stoops to help a child.

[audience laughing]

And Bill, maybe when the kids come in,

you know, you could start off the conversation

by telling us a little story

about one of your childhood problems.


- Mine?


- Yeah.

I didn't have any problems.


- Oh.


- I was a perfect kid.


- Okay.


- Perfect parents, perfect childhood, period.


- Okay, okay.


- Look who's here,.

Rob's mother said he could stay for dinner.


- Oh, Rob.


- Come on over and sit down.

Gee, I'm sure glad you could come back.


- Well, my mother said I had to.


- Yeah, she said I asked so politely.

How could they refuse?


- Plenty of food here, dig right in.


- Yeah.


- You know, I was just telling the Parkers this funny story

about when I was, well I guess it'd be about your age.

And all the kids in my class decided to go bowling

and you know, in bowling shoes

they have the size marked on the back.

I lied about the size of my shoe,

because I just didn't want anyone to know

how humongous my feet were.

[audience laughing]

So I walked like a, like a pigeon toed penguin.

I never gave up my secret.


- I know how you felt.

I was an early developer.


- Trisha laughed at you.

[audience laughing]


- They were convinced I did it deliberately.

[audience laughing]


- When I was a kid, what can I say?

I was happy as a clown.

[audience laughing]


- Rob, would you like to share a story with us?


- Hmm?


- No. Webster, can we go up to your room?


- Sure.

Bye.


- See you guys.


- Oh dear.

Well, I guess there really isn't any point in continuing.


- You know, I never had any friends.

[audience laughing]

I was a social pariah.


- Bill, you don't have to talk about this

if you don't want to.


- The only one who would play with me

was my imaginary friend.

[audience laughing]

And he always b*at me up.

[audience laughing]


- Oh.

[audience laughing]


- Excuse me.

The only date I could get to the prom was my cousin, Fred.

[audience laughing]

I was blackballed from the U,

from the U, from the humanities club.

[audience laughing]


- You never told me this.


- Boohoo.

[audience laughing]


- Ah, sweetheart.


- Boohoo.

[audience laughing]


- You wanna play Go Fish?


- No.


- You wanna play hide and seek? I'll be it.


- No thanks. Guess I just don't feel like playing.

[knock on the door]


- Hi guys. Can I come in?


- Sure, we weren't having very much fun anyway.

[audience laughing]


- Oh boy.

Sure was getting heavy down there, wasn't it?


- Yeah. How come everybody was talking about their problems?


- I don't know.

But I wouldn't spill out my problems in front of everybody.

Yeah, me either.


- Even though I could tell you some real terrible things

about when I was the biggest kid in class, you know?


- You could?


- Sure. About the time I got kicked outta kindergarten.


- George Papadapolis got kicked outta kindergarten?

[audience laughing]


- I don't wanna bore you with that.


- Oh, I wouldn't mind hearing about it.


- About what?


- Getting kicked outta kindergarten.


- Well, you know those little mats

that kids sleep on when they take their little nap

in kindergarten?

Well, the first day of kindergarten when I was there

teacher said, all right, let's all take our little nappy.

I looked down at that mat

and I knew for sure that I couldn't fit on one.

[audience laughing]

I looked like baby Huey.

[audience laughing]

So I just looked at that mat.

Teacher came over and he said,

"Okay, Georgie now you have to lay down on that mat."

I just looked at that mat.

[audience laughing]

Finally, the teacher got very, very mad at me

and called my mom and my mom took me home.


- George, that was the saddest story I ever heard.

[audience laughing]


- Yeah, it's not easy being the biggest kid in class.


- I used to think that the little kids in class, you know,

they just hung around with me.

Maybe because, maybe they thought I could protect them

or something when they got into trouble.

Oh, I used to think they were using me.


- Rob, that's what you said.


- Huh. Well, I'll tell you something,

I didn't want anything to do with those kids

for a long, long time.

Finally, I realized that they just wanted to be friends.

I think I missed out on a lot of things

because of it, you know?

Woo! Listen to me, I'm just telling you guys

all my problems here.

Oh, I feel better though. [laughing]

Well, I'll see you guys later, huh?


- Thanks George.


- Yeah.


- Well my darling,

it seems that Bill isn't the only one

who's been holding things in.


- Your dad sure is nice.


- Yeah, he's the best.


- So you still wanna play cards?


- No. Rob, I'm sorry.


- For what?


- Thinking you had it so easy.

I always figured that it would be great

being the biggest kid in class.

I never knew it was the way George said it.

You have just as many problems being big

as I do being my size.


- Yeah, I'm sorry too.


- For what?


- For being mean to you. And you're just trying to be nice.


- You weren't mean to me and I'm not that nice.

[audience laughing]

Once I put a rubber worm in John Pikes alphabet soup.

[audience laughing]

He thought it was a real long el.

[audience laughing]

Can we be best friends again?


- Sure, but if you ever put anything in my soup

I'll tickle you to death.


- Listen, you don't scare me.

Tickling is where size doesn't matter.

[audience laughing]


- Now, fellas, when we get down to the lake

I want you two to remember two things.

Number one, we do not scare the fish.

What does that mean?

That means we do not talk loud.

We do not scream and yell.

And we do not tickle.


- Don't worry, it's more fun than it sounds.

[audience laughing]


- Number two, I want you guys to be very careful

when you put the worm on the hook, right?


- Would you mind doing that for me?


- You afraid of the worm?


- No, I'm not afraid.

They're just yucky.


- I'll put it on for you.


- You're gonna put it on for him?

That's very interesting.

What a nice concept, team fishing.


- I did it, I did it, I did it. Yoohoo!

I gave two weeks notice at work.

Oh, I feel better than I have in months.

That's for you, my darling.


- Congratulations darling.

It's nice to see you so happy.


- Thank you. And on the way home,

I stopped by the university

and picked up the course catalog.

I'm going back to school.


- Yay.


- Who's making you do that?


- Nobody's making me, I want to.


- Let's make a deal right now.

If we ever get outta school, we're staying out.

[audience laughing]

[theme music]