03x07 - Helen's Surgery

[bunniefuu]

Josh: the biggest difference

Between me and drake is

I'm responsible.

Drake's irresponsible.

Drake: uh, hi. I kinda forgot

I was supposed to have a story

Ready. Uh...

Josh: oh! Like the time drake

And I fixed up that dune buggy.

Drake: wow, this is awkward.

Josh: one time, dad let us take

The dune buggy to the desert so

We could ride around in it.

And, like, minutes after that,

We ran out of gas. It was--

[Cell phone rings]

Hello?

Drake: hey. What story are you

Telling?

Josh: you cannot steal my story!

Drake: I'm not. I just want to

Know 'cause it might help me

Think of one.

Josh: I'm telling them about the

Time that we went to the desert

And brought the dune buggy and--

Drake: oh, perfect! Thanks!

Jake: drake? Drake? You better

Not steal my story, or I swear--

Drake: so one time, me and josh

Take the dune buggy out to the

Desert, right? And josh tells me

To make sure it's filled with

Gas and to bring some water--

Josh: aah!

Drake: aah! Uhh!

Drake: josh! Where are you?!

Josh, you home yet?

Josh: drake, what's wrong?

Are you all right? Did something

Happen to oprah?

Drake: no, but look what I got

In the mail. Candy.

Jake: candy?

Drake: special candy.

Jake: that's the big emergency?

[Mimicking drake] candy?

Drake: not just any candy, josh.

These are super power

Mega-sours.

Josh: super power mega-sours?

Drake: the hottest and the

Sourest candies in the galaxy.

Ah! And there it is.

Josh: it's a pretty big day for

You, isn't it?

Drake: the biggest.

Here goes.

Josh: well?

Drake: well, it's pretty sour

And pretty hot, and...

I just expected it to be more--

Oh, my god! Oh! Oh, man! Whoa!

Oh, it hurts! Oh! Oh, my tongue!

Josh: spit it out.

Drake: [garbled] no. I love it!

Why are you wearing a gold vest?

Josh: why am I wearing a gold

Vest?

Drake: uh-huh. Did helen promote

You?

Josh: no, helen did not promote

Me. She's getting laser eye

Surgery today.

Drake: laser eye surgery?

Josh: yeah. So I get to be

Assistant manager until she gets

Back.

Drake: oh, cool.

Josh: and, hey, maybe if I do a

Good job, she'll let me be

Assistant manager permanently,

And I'll get to keep this

Gold vest.

Megan: I can tell you how to get

Promoted.

Josh: how?

Megan: well, whenever you go to

The movies, it's a big pain in

The butt when you have to carry

Your popcorn and your drink and

Your candy, right?

Josh: yeah.

Drake: absolutely.

Megan: so we create a thing that

Holds all of it, one container,

And we can call it cuppa-stuff.

I'll split the profits with you

-.

Josh: excuse me. Operator? Yeah,

Could you put me through to the

Dumb idea police?

Megan: such a small brain in

Such a big boob.

Drake: [sighs] hey, does my

Tongue look all right?

Josh: yeah, it looks fine.

Drake: good.

* I never thought

That it'd be so simple,

But I found a way,

I found a way,

If you open up your mind,

See what's inside,

It's gonna take some time

To realize,

But if you look inside,

I'm sure you'll find

Over your shoulder

You know that I told you

I'd always be picking you up

When you're down,

So just turn around,

Ohhhhh *

Josh: uh, gavin, did you check

Toilet number in the men's

Rest room?

Gavin: nah.

Josh: well, go check it right

Now.

Gavin: nah.

Josh: but I'm the assistant

Manager.

Carry on!

Drake: you know, if I weren't

Here right now, you'd be the

Hottest person in this movie

Theater.

Girl: wow. I guess that's a

Compliment.

Drake: free soda?

Girl: sure.

Josh: drake, you can't use the

Soda g*n. You're not certified!

Drake: I've got to be certified

To do this?

Josh: oh! You got your germs all

Over the nozzle!

Shouldn't you be home watching

Megan?

Drake: no, I brought her here to

See some movie with a friend

From school.

Man: oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, man!

I dropped my soda, my popcorn

And everything.

Megan: yo, boob!

Did you see what just happened?

Josh: so?

Megan: too bad he didn't have

A cuppa-stuff.

Josh: I'm not interested in your

Crazy cup idea. It'll never

Work.

Megan: oh, yeah? 'Cause I built

A prototype.

See? Soda goes in the bottom,

Put the popcorn on top, and you

Got side pockets to hold

Your candy.

Gavin: that is so awesome.

Josh: just keep walking!

And I say nertz to your dumb cup

Idea as long as I'm in charge,

And I'm in charge until helen

Gets back.

Helen: I'm back!

Josh: aw, jeez!

Megan: see ya.

Josh: helen, what are you doing

Here? You just had laser eye

Surgery...an hour and a half

Ago?

Helen: that's right. I had my

Surgery, dropped off my dry

Cleaning, and stopped off for a

Fish taco, and here I am!

Hey, hey!

Josh: shouldn't you be at home?

You can't see.

Helen: I see you getting on my

Nerves, that's what I see.

Man: I dropped my soda. Can I

Get another one, please?

Josh: yeah, I'll get it.

Helen: no, I'll get it.

Man: oh! Oh!

Stop! Oh, man!

Helen: that'll be ..

Josh: helen, you just colaed

That man in the face.

Helen: well, I guess maybe I

Should go home for a while and

Get my rest on.

Josh: you mean I get to be

Assistant manage the rest of the

Day?

Helen: oh, you're gonna manage

All right. You're gonna manage

Me.

Josh: huh?

Helen: you're gonna help me get

Situated back at my condo.

Now, here's the keys to my

Buick. Let's go.

Josh: you drove here when you

Couldn't see?

Helen: yeah, not my best idea.

Come on.

Josh: just give me one second.

Helen: ok.

Josh: drake?

Drake: yeah?

Josh: you just met her, and

You're already kissing?

Drake: I gave her a soda.

Josh: whatever. Look, I have to

Take helen home, all right, and

I need you to follow me so I can

Get a ride back.

Drake: hmm, kiss pretty girl...

Drive brother in traffic...

Hmm.

Josh: please? Look, if I make

Helen happy, she might make me

Assistant manager permanently.

Just drive me.

Drake: yeah. Here's a little

Song for ya. Ahem.

* No

Josh: hey, if you don't drive

Me, I'm telling dad you're the

One who ate his special french

Pork chop.

Drake: see ya. Let's roll.

Josh: ok, helen. You ready?

Helen: I've been ready.

Josh: all right. Let's go.

Helen: let me just get my purse.

Josh: I'll get it.

Helen: no, I'll get it!

Josh: ow! Ow! Ow!

Josh: ok, helen, we're at your

Place. Drake, turn on the

Lights.

Drake and josh: oh...my...god.

Helen: what's wrong?!

Is someone in the house?!

Drake: whoa! Watch it, helen!

Josh: hey! Everything is fine!

Drake: yeah. It's just your

Place.

Helen: what about it?

Josh: it's incredible.

Drake: it's insane.

Helen: oh, well, thanks, drake.

Josh: you have a hamster?

Helen: yeah. His name's nubby.

You can pet him if you like.

Josh: ok.

Hey there, little--ow!

Helen: oh, yeah. He bites.

Josh: really?

Helen: hey, josh, give me the

Pills my doctor gave me. I'm

Starting to feel a little pain

In my eyes.

Josh: ok, helen.

Here you go. Pills.

Helen: good.

Drake: man, helen. You got a

Groove machine...

And a hot tub? Man, helen. This

Place must have cost you, like,

A billion dollars.

Josh: yeah, yeah. How do you

Afford all this?

Helen: is that some of your

Business?

Drake: how doyou afford it?

Helen: well, I'll tell you,

Drake. I still get money from

happy times.

Josh: happy times?wasn't that,

Like, a tv show back in the

Seventies?

Helen: that's the one.

Drake: whoa. You played the

Little sister on happy times?

Helen: yes. I was little

Georgia.

Drake: that's awesome.

Josh: that's so cool.

Helen: well, you know, I don't

Like to brag about it, you know.

You want to watch an episode?

Josh: yeah, we do.

Helen: ha ha! The tape's on top

Of the vcr. Joshy, help me to

The sofa here.

Just put it on auxiliary one

And press "play."

Josh: auxiliary one...

And "play."

Boy: hey, georgia. Come throw

The football with me.

Georgia: if you throw that

Football in this house, mama's

Gonna b*at you like a cheap

Drum.

Boy: here, catch.

Woman: mark! You go to your room

Right now!

Mark: yes, ma'am.

Woman: and, georgia, you get

Some paper towels and help me

Clean this mess up.

Georgia: that is not my job!

Drake: [imitating georgia]

"That is not my job."

Helen: yeah, that was my catch

Phrase.

Josh: [imitating georgia]

"That is not my job."

Helen: you don't do it right.

Drake: hey, helen, you want to

Play some groove machine?

Josh: she can't see.

Helen: I don't need to see it to

Shake it. Just put it on

Auxiliary . Come on, drake.

Let's drop it like it's hot.

[Dance music playing]

Drake: yeah! Shake it!

Helen: I'm shaking it, baby!

Whoo!

Josh: I wanna groove.

Helen: well, get up here and

Shake your pants, then.

Hey! Yeah!

Uh-huh.

Josh: wait, wait, wait.

[Turns music off]

Josh: helen, we were supposed to

Put your eye drops in as soon

As we got home.

Helen: well, go get 'em, then.

Josh: all right.

Helen: whoo. I better sit down.

These pain pills are making me

Loopier than a loopy-loop.

Drake: watch it. Watch it.

How many did you take?

Helen: I took, uh, . .

Drake: it says you're only

Supposed to take one.

Helen: whoopsie! [Laughs]

Josh, where are my eye drops?!

Josh: I'm right here. I'm just

Getting you a glass of--

Aw, jeez!

Drake: what's the matter?

Josh: I dropped helen's eye

Drops down the drain.

Drake: well, get 'em out. Can

You see 'em?

Josh: no.

Here, I'll turn on the light.

[Garbage disposal starts]

[Turns off disposal]

Drake: wrong switch.

Josh: ya think?!

Helen's gonna k*ll me.

Drake: no, she won't. She's all

Giggly and loopy on those pain

Pills.

Helen: joshy, where are my

Drops?

Josh: um...um...

The, uh--the pharmacy, they--

They gave us the wrong ones.

Helen: oh, man. I hate people.

Josh: uh, yeah, but don't worry.

I'll, um--i'll just run to the

Drugstore and get you the right

Ones.

Helen: good. Get me some trail

Mix and a yo-yo. [Giggles]

Drake: yeah, I think her pain

Pills are working.

Josh: oh, they're working.

Ok. I have to go to smart-aid.

Then I'm gonna go home and pick

Up a few things. But stay here

And watch helen.

Drake: you mean you want me to

Stay here with the groove

Machine, the plasma screen,

And the hot tub? Yeah, I think

I can do that.

Josh: just don't let helen out

Of your sight.

Drake: ok, pushy. Go.

All right, helen. Ready for

Groove machine round ?

Helen: you're on, but this time

Let's do it right. Push the

Button on the wall there.

[Dance music playing]

Drake: oh, sweet!

Josh: let's see. Uh...

Bathing suit,

Extra socks,

Jammie jams,

Drake. Drake?!

Drake: hey.

Josh: hey? Hey?

Drake: hey.

Josh: drake, what are you doing

Here? You're supposed to be

Watching helen.

Drake: I know, but I came back

To get a bathing suit for the

Hot tub.

Josh: you left helen alone?!

Drake: she has a hamster.

Josh: drake! She can't see,

And she's loopy! Helen could--

Could drown in her hot tub

Or--or fall off her balcony

Or suffer some kind of

Groove-machine related

Concussion!

Drake: hey, you're right.

Oh, hey, a yo-yo.

Josh: give me the yo-yo!

Come on!

Josh: helen?! Helen?!

Where is she?!

Drake: she's probably just in

Her room.

Josh: well, go check!

Oh! Helen! Helen!

Hello?

Drake: yeah, she's not there.

Josh: oh, where could she be?!

The hot tub?! Oh!

Don't worry, helen! Joshy's

Coming!

Josh: she's not in here.

I've lost my sightless, loopy

Boss.

Drake: yeah, but how nice is

That hot tub?

Josh: aarrgghh!

[Both yelling]

Josh: come here, partner!

Josh: helen! Helen! Helen!

Helen! Gavin!

Gavin: hey, josh.

Josh: have you seen helen?

Gavin: nah. Been sleeping on the

Roof.

Check the ladies' room?

Josh: ladies' room!

[Women screaming]

Josh: hurting my arm! Hurting

My arm! Aah!

She wasn't in there.

Gavin: man, what if helen

Wandered into traffic, got,

Like, k*lled?

Imagine that funeral.

[People weeping]

Reverend: today, we come to lay

To rest helen ophelia dubuois.

Or you might better remember her

As georgia, the spunky kid

Sister in the hit show happy

times.

Man: oh, yeah!

Woman: yeah!

Drake: [imitating georgia]

"That is not my job."

Reverend: but sadly, these are

Not happy times, because helen

Was abandoned in her time of

Need. Abandoned by that man!

Josh nichols! How could you,

Josh?!

Mourners: it's all your fault.

It's all your fault.

It's all your fault.

Drake: this is all your fault.

Woman: it's all your fault.

[Cell phone ringing]

Josh: hello?

Megan: hey, josh, did you lose

Something?

Josh: what do you mean?

Megan: I found your boss at the

Park talking to a bush, so I

Brought her home.

Josh: helen's at our house?!

Megan: yeah. Listen.

Helen: one cup that holds soda

And popcorn and candy! Ha ha ha!

That's revolutionary!

Megan: hear that?

Josh: just don't let her go

Anywhere, all right? I'm coming

To get her.

Gavin: I'm gonna take a nap on

The roof.

Josh: helen?

Helen: joshy! What's up, clown?

Josh: um, I'm gonna take you

Home now, ok, helen?

Helen: okey-dokey, artichokey.

Just one cup holds your soda

And your popcorn!

Megan: don't forget the candy

Compartment.

Helen: oh, brilliant! Ha ha!

Josh: uggrrhhh...come on!

Helen: ok.

[Dance music playing]

Drake: all right. Who wants crab

Puffs?

All: me! Me!

Drake: here, catch!

Drake: oh! Shh!

[Turns music off]

Josh: I'm just gonna sit you

Over--

Drake! What are you doing?

Helen: drake's still here?

Come give helen a big old hug.

Drake: ok, helen. I'm just gonna

Get up off the couch here real

Quick and come over and...

Hug ya.

Helen: ok.

Drake: just a second.

Helen: yeah, that's the stuff.

Drake, why are you all sweaty?

Drake: oh. Uh...well...

That's just what happens when I

Hug a pretty girl.

Helen: oh! Oh, drake. You are

Too much and then some. Ha ha!

Jake: helen, would you excuse us

For a sec? I just need to ask

Drake a question about...

Our homework.

Drake: I don't do homework.

Josh: you're having a hot tub

Party in helen's condo?

Drake: uh-huh.

Josh: I have been k*lling myself

Trying to prove to helen that

I'm responsible enough to be

Assistant manager permanently.

What's she gonna think when she

Finds out I let you turn her

Condo into...teens gone wild?

Drake: she can't see. Jeez.

Why are you all tense?

Josh: 'cause you are in my life!

Helen: you know what?

I think this medication's

Wearing off. I feel achy. I'm

Gonna take a hot tub.

Josh: you don't want to do that!

Helen: why not?

Josh: 'cause you'll, uh...

Get all damp.

Helen: josh, I've had one

Ludicrous day, and I want to

Take a hot tub!

Josh: ok, um...

Why don't you, uh...go put on

Your swimsuit and--and take a

Long time doing it?

Helen: oh, no, no, no. I'm not

Putting on my swimsuit in front

Of teenage boys. It'll get

Your hormones all in a tizzy.

Drake: no, it wouldn't.

Helen: I'm not gonna risk it.

Now, josh, you lead me to the

Tub. Lead me.

Josh: you mean you're just gonna

Get in the hot tub with all your

Clothes on?

Helen: sure. This outfit's %

Rayon. Water's not gonna hurt

It. Now come on. Let's tub.

Let's tub.

Drake: ok. We're here at the hot

Tub.

Helen: ok. Well, lead me up the

Steps. I can't see a thing.

Drake: ok. .

Helen: there's .

Drake: , .

Josh: there you are. There you

Go.

Helen: whoo! Yeah, that--that's

Nice. Ah! I'm just so exhausted.

What's this?

Drake: that's just me, helen.

I wanted to take a hot tub with

You, so I just got in. I hope

That's ok.

Helen: of course it is. Boy, you

Sure got some scrawny shoulders.

Drake: yeah.

Helen: and, uh, what's this here

In the water?

Smells like a crab puff.

Josh: that's a, uh--

[Telephone rings]

Phone's ringing!

Drake: telephone!

Josh: hello? Uh, yeah. One sec.

Helen, it's your doctor.

Helen: good. Let me have it.

Dr. Burnbaum? Yeah, I feel fine.

Really? I can take the bandages

Off my eyes?

Drake: what?!

Josh: what?!

Helen: hold on a second, doc.

Well, let's see if this laser

Eye surgery was worth it.

Helen: hello, boys.

Drake and josh: surprise.

All: surprise.

Helen: dr. Burnbaum, I'm gonna

Have to call you back.

What's going on here?

Josh: [mumbling]

Helen: josh, you threw a party

In my condominium while I was

Incapacitated?

Josh: no, I did not, all right?

It was all drake's idea.

Helen: drake!

Drake: yeah, helen, but--

Helen: that is just about the

Sweetest thing anybody's ever

Done for me!

Josh: huh?!

Helen: you threw a party just to

Celebrate my new and improved

Eye vision!

Drake: well, I was just so happy

For you.

Helen: drake parker, I love you

Like the son I never wanted.

Drake: yeah, well...

Helen: well, come on. Let's get

The party started. Start some

Music and drop the disco ball.

[Disco music playing]

Josh: unbelievable.

Josh: helen, you bought megan's

Cuppa-stuff idea?

Megan: yeah, she did.

Helen: I tell you, you got a

Brilliant little sister here.

Each one only cost a dollar to

Make, and we're selling them for

.. Ha ha!

So, megan, come with me to my

Office, and I'll give you your

Profits so far, 'cause you have

$ Coming your way.

Megan: sweet!

Helen: oh, and josh, check out

Toilet number in the men's

Rest room.

Josh: you want to help me check

Toilet number ?

Drake: [imitating georgia]

That is not my job.

Mark: georgia, if I got to clean

The garage, the least you can do

Is help me.

Georgia: that is not my job!

Helen: ha ha!

[Both laugh]

Megan: wow. I can't believe you

Were georgia on happy times.

That must have been so fun.

Helen: no. Show business is

Tough.

Megan: yeah?

Helen: yeah. Trust me. You would

Not want to be a little girl on

A tv show.

Megan: interesting.