03x06 - The School Play
Posted: 11/12/23 05:51
-Mom, I'm home!
-Dennis?
Come back here!
Look at that rug.
-Boy, it sure does show
the dirt, doesn't it, mom?
-Young man.
What have I told you about
removing your muddy shoes
before coming into this house?
-Jeepers, mom.
I did. these are my socks.
[theme music]
-I told Mrs. Wilson we'd pick
her up about a quarter of.
-What reason did Mr. Wilson
give for not going to the school
tonight?
-He's expecting a
long distance call
about some property
he owns in Ohio.
-I saw him up on this
roof this afternoon
fixing his antenna so that the
call would come through better.
-Oh Henry.
Now, I'm sure Mr.
Wilson would love
to come to see Dennis
in the play if he could.
-Honey, I've been thinking.
Why don't I drive all of
you over to the school,
and then I think sneak
out and come back
and watch a couple
rounds of the fight.
Then I can get back to school
before anyone would even
know that I was going on.
-Henry Mitchell.
The idea.
Not wanting to see your
own son in his school play.
-Honey, that's not the idea.
It's just that, well, these
championship fights don't come
on television every night
and, well, I-- And--
-What's the matter, dear?
Suddenly at a loss for words?
-Well, no.
It's just that I'm having
a little difficulty trying
to talk with my
foot in my mouth.
-Hey mom!
Which moustache do
you like the best?
This one or this one?
-Oh, I think I like
this one much better.
-Me too.
Be kind of embarrassing
to have the leading man
trip over his own moustache.
-Boy, wait 'til good old Miss
Gilbert sees me with this on.
-Miss Gilbert?
-She's directing our play.
TOMMY (OFFSCREEN): Dennis!
-Be right down, Tommy!
Hey mom.
While you're getting
dressed, I think
I'll show good old Mr.
Wilson my marshal outfit.
-That's a good idea, Dennis.
Jeepers, did you see that?
I'm getting so fast, I almost
beat myself to the draw.
-Henry, help me.
I'm stuck.
-Having trouble, honey?
-Oh you.
-Now who's at a loss for words?
-Oh George, I do wish
you'd change your mind
and come with us.
You did promise
Dennis you'd watch
him star in his school play.
-Now Martha.
How was I to know that the
championship fight would
be postponed from last night
to tonight because of rain?
-Well, I don't think
it's very nice of you.
-Oh.
-After all, you might enjoy it.
-Enjoy it?
Martha, how could
anyone in his right mind
enjoy a play written by a
student in the fifth grade,
directed by a girl's gym
teacher in the fourth grade,
and starting a juvenile blonde
bombshell in the third grade?
-Oh George.
[doorbell]
-Oh, uh, I'll get it, dear.
-Well, if it ain't my good
old partner, Mr. Wilson.
-Great Scott.
-It's me, Dennis!
-Well of course
it's you, Dennis.
Who else could it be?
-Hi Mr. wilson.
-Bobby, never aim
a g*n at someone
unless you intend to sh**t it.
-That's all right, Mr. Wilson.
Tommy's Slim Dalton,
a bad guy in the play.
He's supposed to go
around sh**ting people.
-That's me.
Draw, stranger.
-Now Tommy, stop that.
-Have you ever been
shot, Mr. Wilson?
-No, I have never
been shot, Mr. Wilson.
-Then why are you so g*n shy?
-Well, because I'm a
careful coward, that's why.
Now, if you boys don't mind.
-My goodness, George.
Who are these Western gentlemen?
-Hi Mrs. Wilson.
It's us.
Me and Tommy.
-Well, who would
ever have guessed it?
-We don't look like the
real us, do we Mrs. Wilson?
-Indeed you don't, boys.
-Hey Mr. Wilson.
-Oh, are you still here, Dennis?
-Would you help Tommy
and me go over our lines?
-That's a swell idea, Dennis.
-Oh, I'm sorry Dennis, but I--
-Just this one last time?
-Dennis.
-Jeepers.
Wait'll you hear what a swell
actor Mr. Wilson is, Tommy.
-Oh.
You really think so, Dennis?
Oh well, all right.
For a minute or two.
I'm expecting an important long
distance phone call soon, and--
-Thanks, Mr. Wilson.
You can be Tommy's
brother, Shorty Dalton.
-That makes you and me twins.
-Oh, joy.
-Here Mr. Wilson.
-Oh, I don't think I'll
be needing that, Dennis.
marshal.
You reckon on taking
us hombres in alive?
You're plum loco.
Right Slim?
-Right Shorty.
-Dead or alive, a mangy
polecat's all the same to me.
-marshal, you try hog
tying us and you'll
be the sorriest, deadest
law man in these here parts.
Right, Slim?
-Right, Shorty.
-Gee you're a swell
actor Mr. Wilson.
-Oh.
Thank you, Tommy.
-Mr. Wilson used to be
a real famous actor,
didn't you, Mr. Wilson?
-Well, I wouldn't go quite so
far as to say that, Dennis,
but I understand they're
still talking about my Hamlet
back at Minooka High
School to this very day.
-Gee.
-Yes.
Now, where were we?
Oh yes.
Slim.
On the count of three,
let's put this here
critter out of his misery.
Right Slim?
-Right, Shorty.
-One.
Two.
Goodbye, Marshal.
-Reach!
Put your hands up.
Now, don't try any funny
Mighty fine day for a twin
hanging, ain't it, boys?
HENRY (OFFSCREEN): Dennis!
-Coming, dad!
Come on, Tommy.
-Well, that-- Uh.
Wait Tommy.
-They're-- They're stuck on my.
That's funny.
-Well, come on, Dennis.
-They never locked before.
-Well, they're locked now.
Use the key.
-OK.
-Well?
What are you waiting for?
-I just remembered, Mr.
Wilson, we don't have a key.
-Oh, you don't have the
key-- You don't have the key?
-Uh oh.
Now we're really twins.
-Oh good grief.
-Oh, it's no use Mr. Wilson.
This isn't even making a dent.
-Oh, this is awful.
Martha!
-Thank you, officer.
George.
They've located Sergeant Mooney.
He's on his way over.
-Oh, thank goodness.
-All right now, Martha.
Get hold of Buzz, just in case.
-Yes dear.
-I just can't understand
Sergeant Mooney
not giving those boys a key when
he loaned them the handcuffs.
-He said we wouldn't need one.
Sergeant Mooney said
they were so old,
they wouldn't lock anyway.
-Oh the old windbag did, did he?
-Boy, is Herman
Snell gonna be mad.
-Who's Herman Snell?
-He's the kid that's
supposed to play
the part that Mr.
Wilson may have to play.
-Now, see here, Dennis.
If you think for one minute--
-Buzz doesn't answer.
-Fine.
One locksmith for
this whole town
and he's never around
when you need him.
-Well, hello folks.
All right, where is
this desperate criminal?
-Hi, Sergeant Mooney.
-Hi Dennis.
Well, well George.
So society finally
caught up with you.
-Oh, Mooney.
Stop trying to be funny.
And just use the key.
-Heh heh.
Use the key.
-What's so funny
about using the key ?
-George.
Those handcuffs haven't
had a key since .
-Oh dear.
-Mooney.
As a taxpayer, I demand that you
do something, and do it fast.
-Aw, you do, do you?
-Sergeant, the children's
play begins in less than half
an hour.
-And Tommy's supposed
to be handcuffed
to his twin brother,
Shorty Dalton.
-Now, Mooney, what
do you say to that?
-Hiya, Shorty.
-Sergeant Mooney, don't
you have any suggestions?
-Well, we could call up Buzz.
-He's not home.
-Suppose I find him and tell
him to go over to the school
and meet you folks.
-That's an idea.
-Oh, well at last
we're-- Oh, the school?
No I can't.
Well, in less than
minutes, my-- my call
might come through.
-Goodness dear.
In all the excitement,
I forgot to tell you.
The long distance
operator called before
and said your call
has been postponed
until tomorrow morning.
-Now Martha.
-Yes dear?
-Well, imagine that.
-Hey, Mr. Wilson.
When you get loose, you'll
be able to stay and watch
our play.
Isn't that swell?
-Yeah, swell.
-Oh yes.
That's just peachy dandy.
-Better get going.
I'll find Buzz.
Oh, by the way, Tommy.
If the prisoner tries
to get away, sh**t him.
-Mr. Wilson!
Mr. Wilson!
Sergeant Mooney found him.
Buzz is parked outside
and he's on his way.
-Thank you, thank you.
-He got himself locked in
his basement by mistake.
-Oh my.
Get me out of these
miserable things, Buzz.
-Well, they're locked.
-I know they're locked, man!
-Can't you hurry?
The show is about to begin.
-Anybody got a hair pin?
-A hair pin?
-You mean we're gonna
open it with a hair pin?
-Jeepers.
Did you hear that, Mr. Wilson?
-Well, seeing is
believing, Dennis.
-Oh, never mind.
It's unlocked.
-It is?
-My tool kit.
-Great Scott, what's that?
-No, no, Lester.
The overture is
on the other side.
Come on, children, there's
lots to be done yet.
Oh, put that bear
rug over there.
And you children get those
things on stage, all right?
Now then, if we could just--
Oh dear, Mr. Mitchell.
It's-- It's so hectic back here,
I'm afraid I must insist that
you, uh--
-Yes, uh, come on, girls.
We're just adding
to the confusion.
-Good luck, dear.
-Jeepers, mom.
You don't kiss
marshals in public.
-George, we'll save
a seat for you.
-Oh, don't bother.
If I ever get out
of these, Martha,
I'm going straight to the
hospital for a long rest.
-Miss Gilbert.
Are they-- Oh no.
This can't be happening
to me It can't!
It simply can't!
-Now dear, everything's
going to be fine.
Come on.
-That's Vera Phillips.
She's the author.
-Vera's kinda nutty.
-Hey!
-Stand still, Dennis.
I've got to age you.
-Can't you work faster, Buzz?
-Now, don't rush me, Mr. Wilson.
Every time I get
rushed, I get nervous.
And whenever I get
nervous, I get to itching.
And whenever I get to
itching, I gotta scratch.
Couple of weeks ago, a woman
just put me in the hospital
for almost a week.
Her husband was in the
same hospital, too.
He had the itch.
She made him so nervous--
-Oh, all right.
Never mind, Buzz.
Just get on with your work.
Dennis, don't crowd him.
-Will you quit horsing around?
-Horsing around.
Ha ha ha!
-Boys, boys.
No, this way.
Back this way.
Back by the window.
Quickly!
That's it.
[crying]
-Who's that?
-That's Herman Snell.
-He's the real Shorty Dalton.
-Well, I'm going to be
able to open them OK.
-That's a relief.
-Buzz can open anything.
Miss Gilbert, Buzz is
gonna open the handcuffs.
-Well, good.
-Now all I have to do
is to run home and make
a key from that wax impression.
-Run home?
-Oh, but you can't.
There isn't time.
-I'm sorry.
That's the only way.
-Well, all right.
Get up and do it.
Go!
Don't hang around.
Oh, Miss Gilbert, you'll just
have to hold that curtain.
-Hold the curtain?
With the superintendent
of schools out there?
And to think I could
have been a librarian.
-Would you like another
glass of water, Miss Gilbert?
[BASEBALL GAME PLAYING OVER
RADIO]
MALE SPEAKER (ON RADIO):
sticks out his own left hook,
which Fuller catches on his own.
-Miss Gilbert, I tell you,
this whole idea is ridiculous.
-Mr. Wilson, we may
have no alternative.
-Now wait a minute.
I have no intention of
going out on that stage
and making a fool of myself.
-Mr. Wilson, unless that
locksmith returns very soon,
you have no choice.
-Jeepers, Tommy.
You should see all the people.
-Can you see my folks?
Can you see my folks, Dennis?
-Yeah, Tommy.
Right in front.
Your dad keeps trying
to get up, and your mom
keeps jerking him back down.
-That's my pop, OK.
-What can be taking
Buzz so long?
-Maybe he got hungry.
-OK, come along, children.
Hurry.
Lester, come along.
Now, we're just going
to have to face it.
The show must go on.
Now, are you ready?
-But I can't go out there.
I-- I don't even know the part.
-Now, now, we know
differently, Mr. Wilson.
And I'll be under that trap
door, hidden by the bear rug,
ready to prompt you.
-Oh, well that's a great
comfort-- young man,
will you stop staring at me?
-Oh, Herman, come along.
Come on, dear, dear.
Hurry, please.
-Where is Buzz?
-I've got them, Dennis.
-Thanks, Margaret.
-What's all this?
What?
-Boy, you've sure got
a big head, Mr. Wilson.
-Margaret, what are you doing?
-His middle's big, too.
This g*n belt won't even
go halfway around him.
-Give me it, Margaret.
That means you've gotta use
an extra piece of string.
-Dennis, I am not
wearing any string,
I'm not wearing this
silly hat, and I
am not going out on that stage.
Is that clear?
-But jeepers, Mr. Wilson.
You got one of the swellest
parts in the whole play.
-You even get to die in the end.
-Well, lucky me.
BUZZ (OFFSCREEN): Mr. Wilson!
-It's Buzz!
Buzz is back!
-Mr. Wilson, I got the key made.
-Oh, good.
Well, come on, man!
Well?
What's the matter?
-It won't fit.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to file it down some.
-Oh, no.
Well, file it!
File it!
But hurry!
Hurry!
-Oh, the last
number's almost over.
-Oh, well, faster, Buzz!
Faster!
-Once more, honey.
-I wonder what's
happening with George?
-The part of Shorty, which was
to have been played by Herman
Snell, will be played instead
by, by Mr. George Wilson.
-Oh, dear.
-Now we know what's
happening with George.
[applause]
[neighing]
-Good old Spotty.
I couldn't have caught
'em without you.
Lester!
-You callin' me,
Marshal [inaudible]?
-Bring in the Dalton
twins, Lester.
-Anything you say, marshal.
-It's no use, Mr. Wilson.
It just won't work.
-Well, keep filing, Buzz!
This is no time to quit!
-Mr. Wilson, Mr. Wilson,
you're on, you're on!
-I'm-- oh, no, no, no,
I'm not going out there.
Now go away, go away.
-I found it, I found it.
-You found what?
What?
Ah.
Get that thing off me, Margaret.
-Step on it, Tommy.
Hurry.
-File it.
-File it.
File it.
Keep filing.
What are you doing?
-Margaret.
Hurry.
-Please cooperate, Mr. Wilson.
-What are you do--
-Lester!
-We're having a little
trouble, Mr. [inaudible].
-Mr. Wilson, remember
what Shakespeare said.
The show must go on.
-Oh, you lady.
For your information,
Shakespeare
made no such quotation.
And as for me, this
show'll go on without me.
-Lester!
-I have made up my mi-- No!
-Well, Shorty?
Well, Shorty?
What do you gotta
say for yourself now?
-I, uh, uh--
-I've broken out
of better jails.
-Oh, I've broken out of better
jails than this in my sleep.
Uh, right Slim?
-Right Shorty.
-Oh father.
Father.
-Hello daughter.
-Oh, father.
There's been talk of a lynching.
-Oh, howdy gal.
-Oh, Shorty.
-Hark.
Mr. [inaudible].
The crowd in the
square's getting ugly.
-Let me see, mister.
[g*nsh*t]
-Yep.
They're getting
uglier all right.
-Psst.
DENNIS (OFFSCREEN): I'll
tell you what you do, Lester.
Keep your eyes on them twins,
and don't let nary one of them
move.
If they do, let them have it.
-Start rocking.
-That crowd's getting a
might uneasy, all right,
Mr. [inaudible].
-That crowd's getting a
might uneasy all right.
What do you have
to say for yourself
to that, Shorty Dalton?
-Uh, Oh.
Oh, my g*ng won't let me down.
Right Slim?
-Right Shorty.
-Well, you'll get no
help here, Shorty Dalton.
-Oh yes he will, father.
-Why thank you, gal.
Marshal.
At the count of three,
supposing we two
try to decide which
one of us varmints
is a might slow on the draw.
You ready?
-I'm a-waiting, shorty.
-One.
Two.
Uh, two and a half.
I'm loose.
I'm free!
-Mr. Wilson!
[shouting]
-Mr. Wilson, you
haven't been k*lled yet!
-Close the curtains.
Close the curtains.
-But the play isn't
over, Mr. Wilson!
-It is, as far as I'm concerned.
-Oh, I tell you, Martha,
after last night,
the only thing to do
is to sell the house
and move away to someplace
where I am not known.
-George you're just
being plain silly.
-I a--
[doorbell]
-Uh oh.
-Hello.
-Hi Mrs. Wilson.
-Good morning.
Come on in.
-How's our favorite thespian
taking the morning after?
-Not too well, I'm afraid.
George.
It's the Mitchells.
-I know Martha.
I hear.
Morning Alice.
Morning Mitchell.
-Have you read the review
of last night's activities
in the morning paper?
-Oh no, I don't
want to, Mitchell.
I have no desire to.
-But everybody loved it.
-Oh now, Alice.
Don't try to salve the
wounds of the court jester.
-And I know not who's
stroke of genius
was responsible for putting an
adult in a children's farce,
but it was without doubt,
the artistic brilliance
of our own talented,
humorous George Wilson,
who made the evening
the success it was.
-Why, I don't believe it.
Martha.
Did you hear that?
-I certainly did, dear.
DENNIS (OFFSCREEN): Mr. Wilson!
Hi mom.
Hi dad!
-Young man.
Why aren't you in school?
-Cause Miss Gilbert sent
me home during recess
to tell Mr. Wilson how
good he was last night.
-Well, what is there to say
except, talent will out, huh?
-And she says to be there
at : sharp tonight.
-All right.
: sharp it will-- : sharp?
For what?
-They're gonna do the
play all over again.
Just like last night.
But this time, for charity.
-Oh great Scott.
[theme music]
-Dennis?
Come back here!
Look at that rug.
-Boy, it sure does show
the dirt, doesn't it, mom?
-Young man.
What have I told you about
removing your muddy shoes
before coming into this house?
-Jeepers, mom.
I did. these are my socks.
[theme music]
-I told Mrs. Wilson we'd pick
her up about a quarter of.
-What reason did Mr. Wilson
give for not going to the school
tonight?
-He's expecting a
long distance call
about some property
he owns in Ohio.
-I saw him up on this
roof this afternoon
fixing his antenna so that the
call would come through better.
-Oh Henry.
Now, I'm sure Mr.
Wilson would love
to come to see Dennis
in the play if he could.
-Honey, I've been thinking.
Why don't I drive all of
you over to the school,
and then I think sneak
out and come back
and watch a couple
rounds of the fight.
Then I can get back to school
before anyone would even
know that I was going on.
-Henry Mitchell.
The idea.
Not wanting to see your
own son in his school play.
-Honey, that's not the idea.
It's just that, well, these
championship fights don't come
on television every night
and, well, I-- And--
-What's the matter, dear?
Suddenly at a loss for words?
-Well, no.
It's just that I'm having
a little difficulty trying
to talk with my
foot in my mouth.
-Hey mom!
Which moustache do
you like the best?
This one or this one?
-Oh, I think I like
this one much better.
-Me too.
Be kind of embarrassing
to have the leading man
trip over his own moustache.
-Boy, wait 'til good old Miss
Gilbert sees me with this on.
-Miss Gilbert?
-She's directing our play.
TOMMY (OFFSCREEN): Dennis!
-Be right down, Tommy!
Hey mom.
While you're getting
dressed, I think
I'll show good old Mr.
Wilson my marshal outfit.
-That's a good idea, Dennis.
Jeepers, did you see that?
I'm getting so fast, I almost
beat myself to the draw.
-Henry, help me.
I'm stuck.
-Having trouble, honey?
-Oh you.
-Now who's at a loss for words?
-Oh George, I do wish
you'd change your mind
and come with us.
You did promise
Dennis you'd watch
him star in his school play.
-Now Martha.
How was I to know that the
championship fight would
be postponed from last night
to tonight because of rain?
-Well, I don't think
it's very nice of you.
-Oh.
-After all, you might enjoy it.
-Enjoy it?
Martha, how could
anyone in his right mind
enjoy a play written by a
student in the fifth grade,
directed by a girl's gym
teacher in the fourth grade,
and starting a juvenile blonde
bombshell in the third grade?
-Oh George.
[doorbell]
-Oh, uh, I'll get it, dear.
-Well, if it ain't my good
old partner, Mr. Wilson.
-Great Scott.
-It's me, Dennis!
-Well of course
it's you, Dennis.
Who else could it be?
-Hi Mr. wilson.
-Bobby, never aim
a g*n at someone
unless you intend to sh**t it.
-That's all right, Mr. Wilson.
Tommy's Slim Dalton,
a bad guy in the play.
He's supposed to go
around sh**ting people.
-That's me.
Draw, stranger.
-Now Tommy, stop that.
-Have you ever been
shot, Mr. Wilson?
-No, I have never
been shot, Mr. Wilson.
-Then why are you so g*n shy?
-Well, because I'm a
careful coward, that's why.
Now, if you boys don't mind.
-My goodness, George.
Who are these Western gentlemen?
-Hi Mrs. Wilson.
It's us.
Me and Tommy.
-Well, who would
ever have guessed it?
-We don't look like the
real us, do we Mrs. Wilson?
-Indeed you don't, boys.
-Hey Mr. Wilson.
-Oh, are you still here, Dennis?
-Would you help Tommy
and me go over our lines?
-That's a swell idea, Dennis.
-Oh, I'm sorry Dennis, but I--
-Just this one last time?
-Dennis.
-Jeepers.
Wait'll you hear what a swell
actor Mr. Wilson is, Tommy.
-Oh.
You really think so, Dennis?
Oh well, all right.
For a minute or two.
I'm expecting an important long
distance phone call soon, and--
-Thanks, Mr. Wilson.
You can be Tommy's
brother, Shorty Dalton.
-That makes you and me twins.
-Oh, joy.
-Here Mr. Wilson.
-Oh, I don't think I'll
be needing that, Dennis.
marshal.
You reckon on taking
us hombres in alive?
You're plum loco.
Right Slim?
-Right Shorty.
-Dead or alive, a mangy
polecat's all the same to me.
-marshal, you try hog
tying us and you'll
be the sorriest, deadest
law man in these here parts.
Right, Slim?
-Right, Shorty.
-Gee you're a swell
actor Mr. Wilson.
-Oh.
Thank you, Tommy.
-Mr. Wilson used to be
a real famous actor,
didn't you, Mr. Wilson?
-Well, I wouldn't go quite so
far as to say that, Dennis,
but I understand they're
still talking about my Hamlet
back at Minooka High
School to this very day.
-Gee.
-Yes.
Now, where were we?
Oh yes.
Slim.
On the count of three,
let's put this here
critter out of his misery.
Right Slim?
-Right, Shorty.
-One.
Two.
Goodbye, Marshal.
-Reach!
Put your hands up.
Now, don't try any funny
Mighty fine day for a twin
hanging, ain't it, boys?
HENRY (OFFSCREEN): Dennis!
-Coming, dad!
Come on, Tommy.
-Well, that-- Uh.
Wait Tommy.
-They're-- They're stuck on my.
That's funny.
-Well, come on, Dennis.
-They never locked before.
-Well, they're locked now.
Use the key.
-OK.
-Well?
What are you waiting for?
-I just remembered, Mr.
Wilson, we don't have a key.
-Oh, you don't have the
key-- You don't have the key?
-Uh oh.
Now we're really twins.
-Oh good grief.
-Oh, it's no use Mr. Wilson.
This isn't even making a dent.
-Oh, this is awful.
Martha!
-Thank you, officer.
George.
They've located Sergeant Mooney.
He's on his way over.
-Oh, thank goodness.
-All right now, Martha.
Get hold of Buzz, just in case.
-Yes dear.
-I just can't understand
Sergeant Mooney
not giving those boys a key when
he loaned them the handcuffs.
-He said we wouldn't need one.
Sergeant Mooney said
they were so old,
they wouldn't lock anyway.
-Oh the old windbag did, did he?
-Boy, is Herman
Snell gonna be mad.
-Who's Herman Snell?
-He's the kid that's
supposed to play
the part that Mr.
Wilson may have to play.
-Now, see here, Dennis.
If you think for one minute--
-Buzz doesn't answer.
-Fine.
One locksmith for
this whole town
and he's never around
when you need him.
-Well, hello folks.
All right, where is
this desperate criminal?
-Hi, Sergeant Mooney.
-Hi Dennis.
Well, well George.
So society finally
caught up with you.
-Oh, Mooney.
Stop trying to be funny.
And just use the key.
-Heh heh.
Use the key.
-What's so funny
about using the key ?
-George.
Those handcuffs haven't
had a key since .
-Oh dear.
-Mooney.
As a taxpayer, I demand that you
do something, and do it fast.
-Aw, you do, do you?
-Sergeant, the children's
play begins in less than half
an hour.
-And Tommy's supposed
to be handcuffed
to his twin brother,
Shorty Dalton.
-Now, Mooney, what
do you say to that?
-Hiya, Shorty.
-Sergeant Mooney, don't
you have any suggestions?
-Well, we could call up Buzz.
-He's not home.
-Suppose I find him and tell
him to go over to the school
and meet you folks.
-That's an idea.
-Oh, well at last
we're-- Oh, the school?
No I can't.
Well, in less than
minutes, my-- my call
might come through.
-Goodness dear.
In all the excitement,
I forgot to tell you.
The long distance
operator called before
and said your call
has been postponed
until tomorrow morning.
-Now Martha.
-Yes dear?
-Well, imagine that.
-Hey, Mr. Wilson.
When you get loose, you'll
be able to stay and watch
our play.
Isn't that swell?
-Yeah, swell.
-Oh yes.
That's just peachy dandy.
-Better get going.
I'll find Buzz.
Oh, by the way, Tommy.
If the prisoner tries
to get away, sh**t him.
-Mr. Wilson!
Mr. Wilson!
Sergeant Mooney found him.
Buzz is parked outside
and he's on his way.
-Thank you, thank you.
-He got himself locked in
his basement by mistake.
-Oh my.
Get me out of these
miserable things, Buzz.
-Well, they're locked.
-I know they're locked, man!
-Can't you hurry?
The show is about to begin.
-Anybody got a hair pin?
-A hair pin?
-You mean we're gonna
open it with a hair pin?
-Jeepers.
Did you hear that, Mr. Wilson?
-Well, seeing is
believing, Dennis.
-Oh, never mind.
It's unlocked.
-It is?
-My tool kit.
-Great Scott, what's that?
-No, no, Lester.
The overture is
on the other side.
Come on, children, there's
lots to be done yet.
Oh, put that bear
rug over there.
And you children get those
things on stage, all right?
Now then, if we could just--
Oh dear, Mr. Mitchell.
It's-- It's so hectic back here,
I'm afraid I must insist that
you, uh--
-Yes, uh, come on, girls.
We're just adding
to the confusion.
-Good luck, dear.
-Jeepers, mom.
You don't kiss
marshals in public.
-George, we'll save
a seat for you.
-Oh, don't bother.
If I ever get out
of these, Martha,
I'm going straight to the
hospital for a long rest.
-Miss Gilbert.
Are they-- Oh no.
This can't be happening
to me It can't!
It simply can't!
-Now dear, everything's
going to be fine.
Come on.
-That's Vera Phillips.
She's the author.
-Vera's kinda nutty.
-Hey!
-Stand still, Dennis.
I've got to age you.
-Can't you work faster, Buzz?
-Now, don't rush me, Mr. Wilson.
Every time I get
rushed, I get nervous.
And whenever I get
nervous, I get to itching.
And whenever I get to
itching, I gotta scratch.
Couple of weeks ago, a woman
just put me in the hospital
for almost a week.
Her husband was in the
same hospital, too.
He had the itch.
She made him so nervous--
-Oh, all right.
Never mind, Buzz.
Just get on with your work.
Dennis, don't crowd him.
-Will you quit horsing around?
-Horsing around.
Ha ha ha!
-Boys, boys.
No, this way.
Back this way.
Back by the window.
Quickly!
That's it.
[crying]
-Who's that?
-That's Herman Snell.
-He's the real Shorty Dalton.
-Well, I'm going to be
able to open them OK.
-That's a relief.
-Buzz can open anything.
Miss Gilbert, Buzz is
gonna open the handcuffs.
-Well, good.
-Now all I have to do
is to run home and make
a key from that wax impression.
-Run home?
-Oh, but you can't.
There isn't time.
-I'm sorry.
That's the only way.
-Well, all right.
Get up and do it.
Go!
Don't hang around.
Oh, Miss Gilbert, you'll just
have to hold that curtain.
-Hold the curtain?
With the superintendent
of schools out there?
And to think I could
have been a librarian.
-Would you like another
glass of water, Miss Gilbert?
[BASEBALL GAME PLAYING OVER
RADIO]
MALE SPEAKER (ON RADIO):
sticks out his own left hook,
which Fuller catches on his own.
-Miss Gilbert, I tell you,
this whole idea is ridiculous.
-Mr. Wilson, we may
have no alternative.
-Now wait a minute.
I have no intention of
going out on that stage
and making a fool of myself.
-Mr. Wilson, unless that
locksmith returns very soon,
you have no choice.
-Jeepers, Tommy.
You should see all the people.
-Can you see my folks?
Can you see my folks, Dennis?
-Yeah, Tommy.
Right in front.
Your dad keeps trying
to get up, and your mom
keeps jerking him back down.
-That's my pop, OK.
-What can be taking
Buzz so long?
-Maybe he got hungry.
-OK, come along, children.
Hurry.
Lester, come along.
Now, we're just going
to have to face it.
The show must go on.
Now, are you ready?
-But I can't go out there.
I-- I don't even know the part.
-Now, now, we know
differently, Mr. Wilson.
And I'll be under that trap
door, hidden by the bear rug,
ready to prompt you.
-Oh, well that's a great
comfort-- young man,
will you stop staring at me?
-Oh, Herman, come along.
Come on, dear, dear.
Hurry, please.
-Where is Buzz?
-I've got them, Dennis.
-Thanks, Margaret.
-What's all this?
What?
-Boy, you've sure got
a big head, Mr. Wilson.
-Margaret, what are you doing?
-His middle's big, too.
This g*n belt won't even
go halfway around him.
-Give me it, Margaret.
That means you've gotta use
an extra piece of string.
-Dennis, I am not
wearing any string,
I'm not wearing this
silly hat, and I
am not going out on that stage.
Is that clear?
-But jeepers, Mr. Wilson.
You got one of the swellest
parts in the whole play.
-You even get to die in the end.
-Well, lucky me.
BUZZ (OFFSCREEN): Mr. Wilson!
-It's Buzz!
Buzz is back!
-Mr. Wilson, I got the key made.
-Oh, good.
Well, come on, man!
Well?
What's the matter?
-It won't fit.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to file it down some.
-Oh, no.
Well, file it!
File it!
But hurry!
Hurry!
-Oh, the last
number's almost over.
-Oh, well, faster, Buzz!
Faster!
-Once more, honey.
-I wonder what's
happening with George?
-The part of Shorty, which was
to have been played by Herman
Snell, will be played instead
by, by Mr. George Wilson.
-Oh, dear.
-Now we know what's
happening with George.
[applause]
[neighing]
-Good old Spotty.
I couldn't have caught
'em without you.
Lester!
-You callin' me,
Marshal [inaudible]?
-Bring in the Dalton
twins, Lester.
-Anything you say, marshal.
-It's no use, Mr. Wilson.
It just won't work.
-Well, keep filing, Buzz!
This is no time to quit!
-Mr. Wilson, Mr. Wilson,
you're on, you're on!
-I'm-- oh, no, no, no,
I'm not going out there.
Now go away, go away.
-I found it, I found it.
-You found what?
What?
Ah.
Get that thing off me, Margaret.
-Step on it, Tommy.
Hurry.
-File it.
-File it.
File it.
Keep filing.
What are you doing?
-Margaret.
Hurry.
-Please cooperate, Mr. Wilson.
-What are you do--
-Lester!
-We're having a little
trouble, Mr. [inaudible].
-Mr. Wilson, remember
what Shakespeare said.
The show must go on.
-Oh, you lady.
For your information,
Shakespeare
made no such quotation.
And as for me, this
show'll go on without me.
-Lester!
-I have made up my mi-- No!
-Well, Shorty?
Well, Shorty?
What do you gotta
say for yourself now?
-I, uh, uh--
-I've broken out
of better jails.
-Oh, I've broken out of better
jails than this in my sleep.
Uh, right Slim?
-Right Shorty.
-Oh father.
Father.
-Hello daughter.
-Oh, father.
There's been talk of a lynching.
-Oh, howdy gal.
-Oh, Shorty.
-Hark.
Mr. [inaudible].
The crowd in the
square's getting ugly.
-Let me see, mister.
[g*nsh*t]
-Yep.
They're getting
uglier all right.
-Psst.
DENNIS (OFFSCREEN): I'll
tell you what you do, Lester.
Keep your eyes on them twins,
and don't let nary one of them
move.
If they do, let them have it.
-Start rocking.
-That crowd's getting a
might uneasy, all right,
Mr. [inaudible].
-That crowd's getting a
might uneasy all right.
What do you have
to say for yourself
to that, Shorty Dalton?
-Uh, Oh.
Oh, my g*ng won't let me down.
Right Slim?
-Right Shorty.
-Well, you'll get no
help here, Shorty Dalton.
-Oh yes he will, father.
-Why thank you, gal.
Marshal.
At the count of three,
supposing we two
try to decide which
one of us varmints
is a might slow on the draw.
You ready?
-I'm a-waiting, shorty.
-One.
Two.
Uh, two and a half.
I'm loose.
I'm free!
-Mr. Wilson!
[shouting]
-Mr. Wilson, you
haven't been k*lled yet!
-Close the curtains.
Close the curtains.
-But the play isn't
over, Mr. Wilson!
-It is, as far as I'm concerned.
-Oh, I tell you, Martha,
after last night,
the only thing to do
is to sell the house
and move away to someplace
where I am not known.
-George you're just
being plain silly.
-I a--
[doorbell]
-Uh oh.
-Hello.
-Hi Mrs. Wilson.
-Good morning.
Come on in.
-How's our favorite thespian
taking the morning after?
-Not too well, I'm afraid.
George.
It's the Mitchells.
-I know Martha.
I hear.
Morning Alice.
Morning Mitchell.
-Have you read the review
of last night's activities
in the morning paper?
-Oh no, I don't
want to, Mitchell.
I have no desire to.
-But everybody loved it.
-Oh now, Alice.
Don't try to salve the
wounds of the court jester.
-And I know not who's
stroke of genius
was responsible for putting an
adult in a children's farce,
but it was without doubt,
the artistic brilliance
of our own talented,
humorous George Wilson,
who made the evening
the success it was.
-Why, I don't believe it.
Martha.
Did you hear that?
-I certainly did, dear.
DENNIS (OFFSCREEN): Mr. Wilson!
Hi mom.
Hi dad!
-Young man.
Why aren't you in school?
-Cause Miss Gilbert sent
me home during recess
to tell Mr. Wilson how
good he was last night.
-Well, what is there to say
except, talent will out, huh?
-And she says to be there
at : sharp tonight.
-All right.
: sharp it will-- : sharp?
For what?
-They're gonna do the
play all over again.
Just like last night.
But this time, for charity.
-Oh great Scott.
[theme music]