02x07 - Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Partridge

[bunniefuu]

[THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY'S

"COME ON GET HAPPY" PLAYING]

♪ Hello, world, hear the song

That we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'

Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We had a dream

We'd go traveling together ♪

♪ We'd spread a little love ♪

♪ And then we'll keep

Movin' on ♪

♪ Something always happens

Whenever we're together ♪

♪ We get a happy feeling

When we're singing a song ♪

♪ Traveling along there's

A song that we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'

Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

[♪♪♪]

I'm waiting.



I'm thinking.

I got it!

You're so ugly,

your face ought to be

arrested for littering.

Top that one.

All right, uh...

You're so dumb--

Not another "you're so dumb"

insult.

Not very original.



All right.

Um...

You're so short--

You're so short you have to wear

elevator shoes to get into bed.

[♪♪♪]

Can't think of one, huh?



I'm gonna be late for school.

Better hurry. You'll need

all the help you can get.

Oh, uh, Partridge.



Hi, coach.

Uh, Partridge, we have

a few minutes before class.

I'd like to have a little talk

with you in my office,

man-to-man.

Who was the, uh, little guy

you were arguing with outside?

Oh, Danny? That was no

little guy. He's my brother.

I thought so.

Well, uh...

you were,

uh...

You were being a little

hard on him, weren't you?

Oh, well,

we weren't arguing.

Uh, we were just insulting

each other.

It's a game we play.



I see.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Your, uh... Your mother's

a widow, isn't she?

Well, yeah,

but what has that--?

And I'm sure your mother does

the best job she can.

But a mother isn't enough.

You're the eldest male...

and your brothers

and sisters

are turning to you

for leadership.

Me?

Coach, Danny and I

were insulting each other.

It's a game.

And where did he learn

the rules?

Look, the kids in your family

may not admit

that you influence them.

They probably don't even

realize it themselves.

But you do.

Now, it's just a matter

of how you influence them.

[♪♪♪]

I never thought about it

like that.

Okay, Keith,

you really asked for this one.

You're so dumb,

you have to brush your

teeth by the numbers.

[LAUGHING]

You know, you're getting to be

quite a little man.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Reuben, I just can't do it.

I'm sorry.

Look, you said you'd be happy

to take publicity pictures.

So I set it up

for this Saturday.

And now you say you're sorry?

You should have

checked with me first.

I promised Chris,

Tracy and Danny

I'd take them

to the beach on Saturday.

Shirley,

the photographer is booked.

The photographer

can be un-booked.

My kids can't.

Do you have a warped sense

of priorities.

I should have taken

that job

managing Reptilia

the Snake Girl.

Nobody ever wanted

publicity pictures of her.

Hi.

What's wrong?



Well, I'm just preoccupied.

With thoughts

of k*lling myself.

What's the matter?

Reuben wants me to take

publicity pictures on Saturday

and I promised the kids

I'd take them to the beach.

Well,

I'll take them.

[♪♪♪]

You will?

KINCAID: You are volunteering?



Sure.

But I thought you were gonna

take Barbara

for a drive on Saturday.

I'll cancel it.

The kids are more important

anyway.

Uh,

more important than girls?

Shirley,

this kid is an impostor.

What's your middle name? Fast.



Douglas. Satisfied?

Uh, I don't know.

I don't know your middle name.

Honey,

I appreciate you volunteering

to take the kids

to the beach,

but it just doesn't

sound like you.

Well, I've been thinking.

Since I am the eldest male

I have a lot of influence

on them.

Besides, I'm old enough

to accept my responsibilities

and give them the

kind of leadership they need.

Keith, have you been talking

to a Marine recruiter?

Reuben,

don't tease him.

It's a very nice gesture,

and very mature.

I'd be very happy to let you

take the kids to the beach.

Thank you.

Oh, do you mind if I take them

somewhere besides the beach?

I don't think so.

Why?

Well, I thought I'd take them

someplace fun, but, uh,

with a little more class.

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING

CLASSICAL MUSIC]

When I said we were going

to the park,

I bet you didn't

expect a concert, huh?

Not in a million years.

I thought you might enjoy some

classical music for a change.

It's like combining fun

with education.

I see the education.

Where's the fun?

I'd rather go to the beach.

If you'd give it a try,

you might find out you liked it.

Do you like

this music?

[SIGHS]

Well,

I'm giving it a try.

I mean, uh, that's the trouble

with you kids nowadays.

You're afraid to try new things.

Okay,

I'll give it a try.

I gave it a try.

Now can we go to the beach?

[♪♪♪]

KEITH:

And atop of that hill over there

on your left is

a historic landmark.

Spanish conquistadors

once camped there.

DANNY:

Boy, that's a thrill, Keith.

KEITH:

And over on the right

is where Spanish conquistadors

once k*lled game to eat.

DANNY:

One thrill after another.

[♪♪♪]

Art represents

the artist's philosophy of life.

Each piece has its own

symbolic meaning.

It looks like a garage sale

in the House of Frankenstein.

What's that?

I don't know.

Let's see.

Uh...

I think that represents

man's culture.

We created a plastic society

and now we're trapped

inside of it.

Maybe that's

what it represents...

but if I left it out

on the curb,

the garbage man would pick

it up.

[♪♪♪]

Danny,

what are you doing?

Are you alone?

Just me and my broom.

Okay, troops, fall out.

The coast is clear.

What's going on here?



We thought you were Keith.

Why are you hiding

from Keith?

Well,

he's threatening to teach us

all about the League of Nations.

KEITH:

Danny?

I bet he found

the encyclopedias.

KEITH:

I found the encyclopedias.

Forget you ever saw us.

[♪♪♪]

I could only find volume R.

I wonder if they'd mind

reading about Romania.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That must be

Laurie's date.

Hello, come in.

Hi, I'm-- I'm Freddy,

Laurie's date.

How do you do?

I'm Laurie's mother.

I'll have her home early.

Well,

I'm pleased to hear that. Um...

Won't you sit down and relax?



Oh, I'm-- I'm relaxed.

I'll just stand here.



Well, suit yourself.

Keith, this is Freddy,

Laurie's date.

Hi.



I'll see if she's ready.

[SIGHS]

Boy.

I'm glad that's over.

What?

Meeting the mother.

But your mother's

pretty cool.

Oh.

Yeah. They usually give

you the third degree.

You know,

where are you taking her?

What time are you

gonna bring her home?

Oh, yeah,

I know what you mean.

Where are you taking her?



Hmm?

What time

you gonna bring her home?

Early.

After the movie.

You, uh, taking her

to a walk-in or a drive-in?

A drive-in.

A walk-in?

As long as it's rated

for the general public.

[♪♪♪]

How about Love Story ?

Mmm...

A little racy.

How about a good western?

Oh, I love westerns.

Great.

Look, I-- I hope you don't mind

me asking you these questions.

Oh, not at all.

Sir.

Hi. I'm ready.



Oh, great.

Are you nervous about something?



Oh, not me. I--

I just don't wanna be late

for the first feature

at the walk-in movie.

Have fun, kids.

Right. And I'll see you

back here at :.

Right.

[♪♪♪]

Keith, where are the kids?

I've called them three times.

I don't know, Mom.

I haven't seen them.

Hey, Reuben,

did you get those tickets?

Sorry,

they were all sold out.

What did you want

those tickets for, anyway?

I wanted to take the kids.

To the Bolshoi Ballet?



The Bolshoi Ballet?

Yeah,

I wanted to surprise them.

It certainly

would've been a surprise.

Do you think the kids are really

ready for the ballet?

Why not? It would be a good

influence on them.

Well, I gotta go.

I'm gonna be late.

See you.



Bye, honey.

See you, Reuben.



Bye.

[♪♪♪]

I'm really mad at him.

Freddy will never

ask me out again.

Keith means well.

He's just trying

to be helpful.

What's wrong

with him anyway?

He's a creepo.

Look, he may have

gone a little overboard,

but his intentions are good.

What intentions?

Laurie,

Keith feels

that since he's the eldest male

in the family...

that he's responsible

for the rest of you.

He wants to be

a good influence.

He wants to provide you

with leadership.

ALL:

Keith?

[♪♪♪]

I suppose you're wondering

why I called you all here

this afternoon.

We have a common problem.

This is our problem.

This brother wants to be

our leader. I have a plan.

If you have a plan,

it must be rotten.

No. We're going

to let him lead us.

Until he begs for mercy.

[♪♪♪]

[STRUMMING GUITAR]

[WHISPERING]

Okay, he's alone. Do you know

what you're supposed to say?

Check.

Roger.

This is gonna be fun.

This may all be in fun,

but we can't let him know that.

So I want you to go

out there and be sincere.

Remember, we owe him one

for those historical landmarks.

Let's get him.

Hi, kids.



We need your advice.

Sure.

What can I help you with?



Career counseling.

Career counseling?

Well, we've decided

what we wanna be.

But everybody says we can't.



Well, sure you can.

Everybody says you have

to be born

in the right kind of family.

That's ridiculous.

It doesn't make any difference

what kind of family

you come from in this country.

You can be anything

you wanna be.

Now, what is it you wanna

be when you grow up?

Negroes.

[♪♪♪]

Well, he's here.

DANNY [ON PHONE]:

Great. Really lay it on thick.

Oh, I don't know, Danny.

I don't think I should do this.

It's really a mean trick.

Okay. I guess it is best

to turn the other cheek.

Even though Freddy

will never ask you out again.

Hi, Danny said you

wanted to see me.

What's wrong?

[SIGHS]

Oh, nothing.



Laurie, what is it?

Well, I'm fine. But this friend

of mine has a serious problem.

Oh.

I see.

Friend, huh?

Yes.

[♪♪♪]

The man she loved

ran away with an older woman.

One in college.

What a rotten way to get it.

Yes.

My friend never wants

to see a guy ever again.

Well, that's exactly

the wrong attitude to take.

She should go out

with a bunch of different guys.

I think you're right.

Oh, Keith,

you've been a great help to me.

[♪♪♪]

Excuse me,

my friend has to make a date.

Great.

Who's she going out with?

The football team.

[♪♪♪]

What is it?

I wanna know about the facts

of life.

[♪♪♪]

The facts of life?



Right.

[♪♪♪]

Why don't you ask Mom?

What would Mom know

about the facts of life?

Oh, yeah.

Guess you're right.

Uh...

Well, I suppose I could tell you

about the birds and the bees.

I don't wanna know

about the birds and bees.

I wanna know about people.

People?

[♪♪♪]

Oh, one more thing.

What?

Why do people go through all

that trouble

when they don't even

wanna have babies?

Danny,

you just can't explain it.

You have to be there.

Well, thanks. You saved my life.



I did?

Well, yeah. If you hadn't

cleared up those rumors,

I'd be in big trouble

when I got married.

My pleasure.

[♪♪♪]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

Well, how did your personal

conference with Danny go?

He is really

something else.

I know.

You know, uh...

you are too.

I mean,

I never knew what it was like

to have responsibilities

to kids before.

It's not easy.

Sure has made me

appreciate you a lot more.

Thank you, honey.

I'm beginning to realize

that responsibilities are

something you have

to assume gradually.

Well...

you are a little young

to be raising four kids.

I'm old enough

to handle it, all right.

It's just it doesn't leave me

enough time to do my homework.

[♪♪♪]

Good night.



Good night, sweetheart.

[LAUGHING]

I told him that my girlfriend's

boyfriend ran away

with a cheap cheerleader.

[LAUGHING]

I wish I could've seen you

and Keith in the park.

I've never seen you cry before.

Well, to tell you the truth,

I feel kind of bad about it.

Oh, come on.

You enjoyed it.

True,

he did deserve it.

You should have

seen Keith's face

when I asked him to explain

the facts of life to me.

I asked him if kissing was

hazardous to a person's health.

LAURIE [LAUGHING]: Oh, no.



CHRIS: What did he say?

He said not as long

as I wash behind my ears

and take plenty

of vitamin C.

[KIDS LAUGHING]

LAURIE:

I really thought he'd catch on.

TRACY:

Yeah, I knew all the time.

Are you kidding?

You can fool some

of the people some of the time.

But you can fool Keith Partridge

all of the time.

Kids.

[♪♪♪]

Keith.

How long was he standing there?



Long enough.

He's been gone for hours.

Maybe he ran away.

He's too old to run away.

[DOOR OPENS]

Did you find him?

No.

I went to all of his hangouts.

No one's seen him.

[♪♪♪]

Did you have any luck,

Mom?

He's in the garage.

He's been there the whole time.



What's he doing there?

I don't know, I just found him.

But he's very hurt.

I don't think he thought

your little joke was very funny.

Mom, we didn't

mean to hurt him.

Well,

what did you expect?

Whatever Keith did,

he did because he loves you.

And you return his love

by making a fool of him.

What do we do now?

Well...

you might start

by telling him you're sorry.

[♪♪♪]

Keith...

the kids have something

they want to say to you.

Keith, we just meant

the whole thing as a put-on.

But--

Well, I guess we were

pretty thoughtless. I'm sorry.

This means "I'm sorry."

Before it meant "I'm sorry,"

it was a goldfish.

CHRIS:

You know all that intellectual

stuff you showed us?

Well,

some of it did rub off.

I'm gonna learn

to play Beethoven's Fifth

Symphony on the drums.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Keith?

I really am sorry.

I realize now you were

just trying

to do the best thing

for us.

And we repaid you

by playing a rotten joke.

I'm sorry.

Besides,

it was all Laurie's idea.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[LAUGHS]

[PLAYING "SUMMER DAYS"]

♪ I feel the sunlight

On my face ♪

♪ When I just close my eyes

And I trace ♪

♪ The footpath to your daddy's

Summer place ♪

♪ Where we spent our

Early summer days ♪

♪ The hill we climbed

That went on forever ♪

♪ We reached the top

Of the world together ♪

♪ Yeah, you gave

Your love to me ♪

♪ And I remember perfectly ♪

♪ High above all time

And space ♪

♪ And I remember

Summer days ♪

♪ When you gave

Your love to me ♪

♪ And I remember perfectly ♪

♪ High above all time

And space ♪

♪ And I remember

Summer days ♪

♪ Come climb that hill

Again with me ♪

♪ Come live that love

Again with me ♪

♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby ♪

♪ Hold my hand

And we'll be free ♪

♪ Said we'll be free ♪

♪ Yeah, you gave

Your love to me ♪

♪ And I remember perfectly ♪

♪ High above all time

And space ♪

♪ And I remember

Summer days ♪

♪ When you gave

Your love to me ♪

♪ And I remember perfectly ♪

♪ High above all time

And space ♪

♪ And I remember

Summer days ♪

♪ When you gave

Your love to me ♪

♪ And I remember perfectly ♪

♪ High above all time

And space ♪

♪ And I remember

Summer days ♪

♪ When you gave

Your love to me ♪

[APPLAUSE]

[♪♪♪]

KEITH: Hey, you about ready?



DANNY: I am.

Now you got plenty

of money for peanuts?

Sure do.



[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

Hi, Reuben.



Hi. Where's Keith?

Hey, guess what.

I had to scrounge around,

but I finally managed

to pull it off.

Pull what off?



I got the tickets.

To the Bolshoi Ballet.

Oh, if you hurry, you can

make it to the matinee.

Well, that's great, Reuben,

but I wish you'd told me sooner.

I'm taking the kids

to the circus.

The circus?

I had to haggle and finagle

to get these tickets.

KEITH: Well, why don't you go?



Me? To the ballet?

What's the matter?

Don't you appreciate culture?

Are you kidding?

I'm full of...

culture.

Who-- Who would

I get to go with me?

I mean, it starts in minutes.



Reuben, I'd love to go.

So would I.

You would?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Well,

I guess it's a date.

What ballet are you going

to see?

Swan Lake .

Um,

isn't that a little racy?

Swan Lake ?

What time will you

have them home?

Danny. Come on.

I think we're gonna be late.

Bye.



Don't keep the lions waiting.

I, somehow, get the feeling

he doesn't trust you.

DANNY:

I'll be waiting up for you.

[LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]