04x32 - May 23, 1993

[bunniefuu]

And action.

Hey, what's Scruffy MacKenzie have
that we don't have?

Face it, guys.
You're not the party animal he is.

So, when you party hard, make sure
that Scruffy MacKenzie...

and Juggs Lite are included.

Right, Scruffy?

All right, that's a wrap.
Where the hell did Scruffy go?

- All right, you guys, take five.
- I beJohn Brown.

Duke, here we are. This is your commercial here.
You make this, boy...

You make this big break here, you'll have
all the straight b*tches running after you.

Uh, excuse me, sir.
I think the audition's over.

Oh, it can't be over,
'cause you ain't seen Duke yet.

- What in the...
- Yeah, lookee here.

Duke is perfect for the part.
I'll tell you what. He can do impressions too.

Yeah, watch him do Bruce Lee.
[Karate Yells]

Actually, I don't know if you notice,
but I think your dog is, uh...

- You Fathead Davis, ain't you?
- No, no.

Well, I beJohn Brown
running like a glue factory.

Look at you, boy. I remember
when you wasn't no bigger than this...

and you was a Cub Scout
out there in the woods...

and a wolf bit your head
clean off.

- Boy, look at ya.
- Okay, okay, let's just do this.

- Everybody, one last time.
- There you go, Fatty.

- Hey, my name's not Fatty.
- What you wanna do?

All right now, come on, everybody.
Let's take it from the top.

I tell you what, Duke,
now this your chance here.

As soon as you make this money, you can get
that cleft in your chin like thatJackson boy.

And... action.

Man, what's Scruffy MacKenzie have
that we don't have?

Face it, guys.
You're not the party animal he is.

You was close, Duke.
Just next time open your mouth up.

Why do we love Scruffy MacKenzie?

Because he never
gives us the runaround.

There you go, Duke, run around there.
There you go, run around.

There you go, Duke.
Fall into that runnin'.

Look at that, there you go.
You got you a white girl there, snowflake.

Look at that, boy.

So, when you party hard,
make sure that...

- Get him off of me!
- I'm sorry about that...

- but you know Duke is a leg man, pumpin' fit.
- Eww!

All right.
Somebody call my agent.

Hey, look at that, Duke. I think you
done won there. Look at that.

You got the commercial, son. As soon as you
make enough money, we can move from here.

I love you like you was my own.

You don't run like you used to, Duke.
You all right?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one
of those funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin'listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe but some of
the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go ♪♪

If it pleases you,
I prepare your dinner, Lo Lee.

- Thank you. Now die!
- [Groans]

Take this away.
It depresses me.

Lo Lee, the village
is not yours to toy with.

The Great One will stop
your evil plan.

[Groans]

[Male Announcer]
Bruce Lee in Enter the Dragon.

Now you can see world champion
female bodybuilder Vera De Milo in...

Breasts of Fury!

Hey, why don't you guys
pick on someone...

with your own testosterone level?

Are you the Great One
who has been sent to avenge us?

No, but I'm on steroids.
So when I get cramps, look out.

There is no hope.

That's it, Chang.
No pain, no gain.

Dok, take care of this.
It bores me.

Lo Lee.

You evil overlord.

- I come bearing bitter fruit.
- I don't fear the...

What is that smell?

You'll have to excuse me,
I'm in heat.

[Whinnies]

Get her!

[Bones cr*ck]

You broke my arm!

So learn how to swim
in a circle.

Nice moves,
but you're no Patrick Swayze.

[Laughs]
You fight well, genetic freak.

But let's see how you do
against Domo!

[Yells]

[Yells]

Oh.

Sorry, must be ninja-vitis.

[Groans]

Is that tempura in your belly,
or are you just happy sashimi?

There's only one way
to take down this big boy.

Look up there. It's Rodan,
and he's fighting with some other creature.

- [Blows]
- [Giggles]

[Yells]
Oh, no!

I have been defeated
by poison pit.

I've turned bigger stomachs
than yours, mister.

Hey, Lo Lee, not so fast.

My breasts are quite beautiful,
aren't they?

And, oh, so distracting.

[Yells, Groans]

That's what you get for peeking.

What's a girl to do?

[Announcer]
Vera De Milo has Breasts of Fury!

Now, Luther, you wasting your time
calling here every day.

I ain't gonna hire you back.

I said plain as day,
"Give Mama a glass of juice"...

not "Give Mama's ass a goose."

Besides, your brother
is fittin' in just great.

Chitlin plate.
Pick it up.

Hey, lady, can I get
a steak Kn*fe?

Uh, yeah.
Just let me finish up with it.

I'm down to my last corn.

Oh, lucky, lucky.
That one just popped right off.

- Pop-Tart, pick it up.
- [Bell Dings]

Barney Rubble goes both ways!

I beJohn Brown.
Look it here.

Oh, Dr. Turner, come on in here.

Oh, lucky day.
Mack Daddy in the house.

Hold on, Mama.
I thought we agreed I get the next man.

- Oh!
- Well, what say you get me a special to go.

- Dr. Turner, I've been getting
this pain right here in my side.
- Mm-hmm. Where?

- Uh, lower.
- Land o'goshen.

- Lower.
- I believe you.

If you go any lower,
he's gonna be touchin' your breasts.

Well, anyway, you know
I'm not a real doctor.

Actually, I took
a correspondence course.

Actually, I'm a doctor
in what you call philosophy.

Oh, well then, uh, my "philosophy-an" tubes
ain't doing too well either.

- Ain't got no damn beaver.
Got possum though. Pick it up.
- [Bell Dings]

Francis, I thought we said
this was my customer.

Now don't you remember
your panty hose are in the back stewing.

And by the smell of things,
I'd say they were ready.

- Be right back in a minute.
- Well, get on with your bad self.

I trick-or-treat
with a colostomy bag!

Lookee here at this jukebox.
Boy, it's a shame the jukebox ain't workin'...

'cause if it was,
I'd cut a rug.

Look it there.

Look it, y'all, now you better
ask somebody in this joe.

Hey, lady,
I need some service.

If you could pull yourself
away from Deney Terrio.

- Ain't got no "Niko," got Cheerios. Pick it up.
- [Bell Dings]

Oh, that's right, baby.
Mama promised you some ketchup, right?

Here you go.

- I ordered soup.
- Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

Stop shoutin'.
You're spittin' on me.

Um, Francis, get this man
over here some soup.

Uh, coming right up.

Uh, unfortunately, my panty hose soaked up
all the soup, but there's still a little left.

- Just say when.
- Y-Yeah.

- Let me ask you a question, Doctor.
- Right on, right on.

- Is your wife still dead?
- Yeah, she's still dead.

But just 'cause the hen d*ed,
don't mean the rooster don't stop peckin'.

Look it here. Look it here.
I'm a mite thirsty though.

My throat needs something.
I need something for my throat.

Oh, I'll get you somethin'.
Let go of this, sucker. Get...

Here's some buttermilk for you.
It's good for your "prostrate."

- I ain't seen no leap of faith,
I got a fruit plate. Pick it up.
- [Bell Dings]

Don't worry about my prostate though.
They took all that out.

Took all of that out, except the kitchen sink,
but the pipe's still workin'.

Look it that.
Yonder go.

- If I was a ho, let it go. Pick it up.
- [Bell Rings]

- I'll get it.
- Uh, no, I wanna snake his main line.

- Well, too bad, 'cause he's mine.
- No, he's not, he's mine.

- He's mine!
- He's mine!

He's mine.
Come on, baby.

All right, Alice. Let's go.
I can't believe I got me one.

Boy, look it there. I beJohn Brown.
I got me a snowflake in the house.

Aw, man, there's
a cat collar in this stew.

Oh, Francis, take down the sign.

- We done found Fluffy.
- Lucky, lucky day.

My bunion winked at me today!

- I ain't gay.
- [Bell Dings]

All right, Granny, hands up in the air, baby.
This is a stickup.

Hey, ho. You thought
I was reading that magazine...

but in for real,
I was casing the joint.

- Wasn't I, baby?
- That's right, baby. You've been cased.

- How does it feel to be cased?
- [Both Laughing]

- [Singsongy] I cased. That was cased.
- Yeah, it was a case.

Would you please hurry it up?

In minutes, Amy Fisher on Ice
is comin' on.

Hey, honey, don't act like you don't know
who we are. We're Bunny and Clive.

[Both]
It's on! It's on!

- Yeah, we got a slow gig too.
- That's right.

[Singsongy]
We take our...

Well, anyway, you hold your hands up in the air,
because this store is ours. Now get it?

Now, how you gonna rob the place
when you can't even see?

- I can see.
- How come you're pointing the g*n
at the hot dog machine?

- I knew that.
- Move to your right, baby.

- Aah, gotcha!
- Fruit roll-ups.

- Move to your left, baby.
- Gotcha in the scope, baby.

- Corn flakes.
- Oh!

- Yeah!
- Now you got me.

Now you just sit back and suffer,
while we pillage.

That's right, we'll pillage.
We're gonna go pillage.

We're gonna go pillage. Hey, how does it feel
to have your newspapers pillaged?

Those newspapers are free.

You can't tell me what's free.
Nobody can tell me what's free.

Hey, yeah, nobody tells us
nothing about free.

Matter of fact, I'm gonna pay for them.
There. How you like that?

That's right, pay it, baby.
How's it feel to be paid?

♪ Paid, paid
Whoo, paid, paid ♪

Hey, lady, where do you keep
those strawberry douches?

As a matter of fact, I'm gonna take me
some of these girlie magazines like Playpen.

Mystique.
Oh, boy, look at this.

- What do you want those for, honey?
- Don't start this again.

Don't I satisfy you?
Why do you gotta read all this stuff for?

Baby, I don't read these.
I just look at the pictures.

Oh, okay.

You two ain't very bright, are you?

Ain't very bright? Look at the headlines, huh?
Read the headlines.

That's right. America's Most Wanted.
Read it and you weep.

Yeah.

"Mini-mart robbed.
Hot dog machine sh*t six times."

You told me I sh*t a clerk.

I didn't wanna mess up
your confidence...

- 'cause you're so sensitive about your bad eyes.
- I don't have bad eyes.

- Over here, baby.
- All right.

Gimme this.
Now you read it for her. Yeah.

"Acne kitty...

foo-fo, t-t-tech"...

Oh, baby, I can't read.
I'm sorry.

That's all right, baby.
We'll get you Hooked on Phonics, baby.

- Don't worry about it.
- I tried, but I can't do it.

You know,
I've been robbed a lot...

and you two are the worst criminals
I have ever seen.

Uh-huh, well,
I'll tell you what.

- Hey, Evelyn.
- [g*n Clatters]

Super Big Gulp,
and don't be stingy with the ice.

Oh, no, baby, the gig is up.
The gig is up.

- What does the sign say, baby?
- Cops!

Cops. I knew it would have to come down
to this someday. I'll tell you what.

- Before we leave, you gotta
write this message down...
- Yes?

- All right.
- For the press.

- Recite this. Dictation.
- All right.

- We're rebels too fast to live, yet...
- Yes.

- Too young to die.
- Yeah.

- We're Bunny and Clive.
- That's right.

Now read it back to me.

"Spanky rad flim-flee foo fo"...

I can't write neither, baby.
I'm so...

It's all right, baby, because there ain't
a jail that can hold us down.

That's right.
We're Bunny and Clive.

- Here you go. On the house.
- Thanks.

Hey, you two, get outta my car!

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

♪♪ [Man Singing]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Continues]

[Male Announcer]
Welcome to The Dysfunctional Home Show.

Now here's your host
Grandpa Jack McGee.

Hi.

And welcome to The Dysfunctional Home Show
funeral special.

Won't you join us?

I'm just finishing this casket
for my dear departed mother.

Look what the mortician
did to her.

Pasty, bloated, green.

Just like I remember her.

[Sobbing]

Jack, I'm so sorry.

That's okay.
There, there.

You just gotta think...
think of things the way I do.

She was a good-for-nothing,
sleazy leech on society...

- and we're all better off without her.
- [Gasps]

- Now give me some sugar.
- [Screams]

Oh, you're gonna
make me beg.

Cut the music.
Hey, hey!

Is... Is that a synthesizer?

Is... Is that...
Is it a synthesizer?

Why don't you dedicate a song
to my dear departed mother...

on your... synthesizer?

What do you want me to play?

How about " That Old Gray Mare,
She Ain't What She Used To Be."

♪♪ [Playing]

♪ That old gray mare
she ain't what she used to be ♪

♪ She ain't what she used to be
Ain't what she used to be ♪

♪ The old gray mare
she ain't what she used to be ♪

♪ Twenty years ago ♪♪

Ladies and gentlemen, would anyone
care to say some kind words...

about the dearly departed?

♪♪ [Organ Continues]

Anybody?

Anyone?

Hello?

- All right.
- Okay.

Tyrell, say something nice
about Grandma.

Uh, yeah.
Uh, I never really liked her.

But now that she's dead,
I guess she's okay.

That was beautiful
and sensitive and sweet...

you black bastard.

Can't you see there are
people mourning here?

I mean, look at all the people
that Grandma touched.

Rick, the bartender.

Dan from the Liquor Barn.

MaryJo from
the su1c1de Prevention Line.

That's MaryJo.

Well, way to go.
Nice job, Mary.

What, came to see
one of your graduates?

Why, I'm gonna miss ya, Mom.

You gave me everything.

You gave me life.

You gave me love.

You gave me this watch.

I can't believe you took Grandma's watch.
We get it!

Yeah, you already took
all the money.

Hey...

that money
has sentimental value.

- Look, there's a diamond earring!
- Yeah, don't she have
some gold fillings or something?

- Somebody got some pliers?
- I got a church key.

Ah, hold on.
Gimme some leverage.

Come on, you selfish bitch!

I got it!
I got it!

How could you do that?

It's all in the wrist, son.

- [Yells]
- [All Scream]

Wait. Make it another double...

and this time
put some liquor in it.

What the hell...
What's going on here?

Not another funeral.

Oh, Jack, this is
the third one this year.

Oh, no, she's alive!

What the hell
is wrong with you?

Can't a person slip
into an alcoholic coma...

without being buried alive?

You are a loser!

Can't even tell if I'm dead.

Well, yes, we'll see about that.

- Somebody get me the lid.
- Somebody help me.

Go into the light.
Go into the light.

[Male Announcer]
This has been The Dysfunctional Home Show.

All right, now let's get hyped for Delicious
Vinyl recording artist The Far Side...

singing a single
rising to the top with a b*llet...

"Passing Me By," yeah!

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

- Check one, two.
- Check it out, uh.

One, two, check it
Check it out.

♪♪ [Rapping]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]