04x29 - May 9, 1993

[bunniefuu]

[Man]
This week, the bad boys of comedy...

bring you In Living Color's
best commercial parodies.

♪♪ [Big Band]

Do you enjoy
the fabulous resort cities?

Atlantic City, Las Vegas,
Reno, Lake... Tahoe?

Do you have as much free time as I do?
Then what are you waitin' on?

Get yourself a "Players Club."
You'll receive up to % off...

on shows, rooms and meals.

With the Players Club,
you'll get V.I.P. Treatment, baby.

I'll have a suite
with a heart-shaped bed.

I'm sorry, we... Uhh!

- [Rings]
- Bellboy!

And with the club, there's no problem
gettin' good seats.

- Tony! Can you fit me in?
- No, man, l... Uhh!

Bingo. Front row.

Use the Players Club
in casinos, banks...

or anywhere else you wanna
throw your weight around.

The Players Club:
It's a moocher's dream.

I won! I won! I won!
[Screams] I won!

- Well, let me help you count it.
- Ohh!

"Who clubs ya, baby?"

Twenty. . .

And one for you.

Twenty...

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those
funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe
but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go ♪♪

Well, now that the F.D.A. Has banned
silicone breast implants...

I better call the doctor
and have them removed.

[Man]
Wait! Stop what you're doing!

Why? These are no good for me.

[Chuckles] That's what you think.
But did you know...

you could be throwing away
hours of fun?

But I can't keep these.
Silicone isn't safe.

No, not silicone: SillyCone.

Yes, like Silly Putty, SillyCone
is the breast you can play with.

Take it on thejob
to relieve stress.

Copy your favorite comic strip.

- [Chattering]
- They're great fun at birthday parties.

You can even
make them do tricks.

SillyCone comes in three sizes:
Bouncy, Meaty, and Grandma.

Hey there, little boy.
I said, hey there, little boy.

Well, you may be ignoring me now,
but I'm taking steroids.

And steroids make
my body balloon up...

and they also give me
the strength of men.

So while you may choose
to ignore me now...

[Snarling]

[In Deep Voice] Pretty soon
I'll be so pumped up and bloated...

you'll have no choice
but to pay attention to me.

Come here, stud pants.

Let's play m*ssile silo.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six...

Then after a while, the steroids will begin
to affect my body's inner mechanisms.

My ovaries will shrink
to the size of tiny raisins...

and I'll also have kidney failure.

Then pretty soon I'll be doing public
service announcements against steroids.

Then, I really start to deteriorate.

[Growling]

- [Groans, Strangles]
- [Hissing]

That whole "body falling apart" thing...
that's still a good five or six years away.

In the meantime, Vera says...

"Live fast, die young and pretty."

[Whinnies]

[Man] Steroids:
Live fast, die young and pretty.

They're underfed, they're hungry...

Their lives slowly wasting away
because they haven't got enough food.

Hello, I'm Sally Struthers.

For just cents a day,
the price of an apple fritter...

you can help feed someone
who can't afford to feed himself.

The meals are free,
they're nourishing, and...

best of all,
they're pretty darn tasty.

Are you gonna finish this?

Your donation to the Feed the Planet
Foundation is totally tax deductible.

Just think of it:
You're reaching out...

and you're giving
these people hope.

And... Biscuits? I love biscuits!

Mm-mm! Please send
your donation today.

Just remember:
Fifteen dollars a month...

the price of a Grand Slam
breakfast and ten Dove Bars...

you can give these people the sustenance
that they now so desperately need.

Please try to hurry, though.
I've been here for six months...

and these people just seem
to be getting hungrier and hungrier.

I can't understand it.

You're supposed to
reach out and touch them.

Remember, for just $ a year...

the price of buckets of chicken
and a Super Big Gulp Dr. Pepper...

you can give
these people sustenance!

Just call -FEED-ME.

Give it to me!

Just give me a bite!

Please make that call.

♪♪ [Hip-Hop]

♪♪ [Man Rapping]

♪♪ [Ends]

[Cheering]

He's safe!

Don't look so down, son.
It wasn't your fault.

Yes, it was, Dad. I played horrible
the whole game.

- Just wasn't myself.
- It looks like your confidence is down.

Is there something
on your mind?

I don' know.
I just don't feel...

- Fresh?
- Well, yeah.

It's hard to concentrate
when you're worried about...

masculine hygiene, isn't it?

Yeah. I mean...
What should I do about it?

- Try these.
- "Tes-T-Shields"?

They're protective linings you put
in your cup to give you more confidence.

[Man] Each Tes-T-Shield
is filled with tiny air tunnels...

allowing cool air to circulate
throughout your cup.

At the same time, aroma sensors
release an exhilarating fragrance...

helping you stay fresh all day.

Wow! Test-T-Shields
does all that?

And more.
They even come with wings.

- Wings? What for?
- Lord knows.

But the important thing is,
is they're comfortable.

How do you know
so much about them?

- Son, do you smell that pine tar?
- [Sniffing]

- Yeah?
- I'm wearing 'em right now.

Even at my age,
I need a little more.

Wow, I'll give these
Tes-T-Shields a try.

[Man]
Go! Go, all right, go!

- [Cheering] Go! Go!
- He's out!

- Looks like you got your confidence back.
- Thanks to you, Dad.

No, thanks to Tes-T-Shields.

[Man] Tes-T-Shields from Playfree.
The manly way to stay fresh...

confident, and protected
all day long.

Now available in three scents:
Pine tar, herbal and cowhide leather.

[Man]
Hey, guy. Have you ever gone to bed...

with a woman who you thought
looked like Robin Givens...

but when you wake up,
looks more like Robin Leach?

- [Screams]
- That's what you call "coyote ugly."

- Because you'd gnaw your own arm off
to get out of there.
- [Chewing]

Well, chew no longer, because the new
Coyote Ugly Escape Kit is here.

Coyote Ugly Escape Kit
is the disposable prosthetic arm...

you attach before you go to bed
with that special someone.

Simply fasten a realistic,
stylish, coyote arm...

and you're all set
for those rude awakenings.

[Woman] What's keeping you, baby?
I need your lovin'arms around me.

[Softly] No problem, thanks
to the Coyote Ugly Escape Kit.

At the moment of revulsion,
simply unfasten the hinges...

and you're free and clear, with no torn
ligaments or unpleasant arterial bleeding.

Yes, Coyote Ugly promises
"a happy hump with no bloody stump."

So, remember guys, with Coyote brand
you can say farewell to arms...

and farewell
to last night's nightmare.

- Coyote Ugly Escape Kit, from Muttco.
- [Coyote Howling]

Hi. I'm George Hamilton.

Throughout my illustrious career...

I have been frequently complimented
about my golden bronze pigment.

You see, with a little help
from that hole in the ozone...

over the years my epidermal layer
has gotten so thick and leathery...

that, quite frankly,
it's as dead as my career.

That's why today
I'm offering directly to you...

the George Hamilton Luggage Collection.

How do I know it's good?
Because it's made out of my skin.

Let my loss of elasticity
become your key to durability.

There's never a need to worry
about those clumsy baggage handlers.

Uh-oh.

[Screaming]

[Grunting]

That feels good.
♪♪ [Singing]

Sigourney Weaver
wears army boots, you fur ball!

[Grunting]

You think you can destroy what took me years
of loafing around the pool to build? Ha-ha!

Give it your best sh*t, primate!

Order now, and you'll get
these matching rump hide belts.

The next time someone asks you
if you know George Hamilton...

you can say, " Know him?
I b*at my kids with him!"

[Announcer]
Order your collection now.

Hi. I'm Amy Fisher.
You know, the Long Island Lolita.

- And this is Joey Buttafuoco over here.
- Hey!

Joey Buttafuoco over here!

Hey, girls, are you a whore?
Are you good with a handgun?

Do you like to have sex in a car?

Are you as dumb as dip,
but you still wanna make a lot of money?

Then take Amy's special
Bang For Your Bucks seminar.

- Tell 'em, princess.
- Three simple steps.

One, you get yourself
a really sexy guy.

Hey. Joey Buttafuoco over here.

But to land yourself
a really sexy guy...

first you gotta get yourself
a whole lot of hair.

Anything less than two feet
ain't really sexy.

- Right, Joey?
- Joey Buttafuoco over here!

Step two: You get yourself a g*n,
and you find this guy's wife.

Then you just point and sh**t.
Bada-bing, bada-bang!

Step three: You sell off your
movie rights, your paperback rights.

Then you look for
the new sitcom on Fox...

The Buttafuocos Over Here!

Hey, sure, I'm gonna spend
a couple of years in the slammer...

but I'm already eligible
for parole in ' over here.

And all this money spread out
with three years in the clink...

that works out to, per year...

Oh, she's workin' it out!

I gotta put somethin'...
Well, a whole lot of money.

So, take my seminar.

Yeah, right. I took Amy's seminar,
and nobody bought my rights.

All I did was go straight to jail.

Oops. I almost forgot
the most important step.

Step number four:
Make sure that you're white.

Yeah, 'cause Hollywood
only buys stories...

about white people
k*lling each other over here!

Hey, duh!
Now, give me a kiss here, Joey!

You come here, you!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Hey, Joey!
What are you kissin' that whore for?

Hey, MaryJo.
I wasn't kissin' her.

I was, uh, givin' her C.P.R. Over here.

- Give me a break.
- That's myJoey...

always trying to
help people over here.

All right, everybody break it up.
Visiting day is over over here.

So dial -LO-LITER.

I'll get you more bang
for your buck.

Bada-bing, bada-bang.
It's just that simple.

Call me.

- [Whispering] Over here?
- Over here.

♪♪ [Man Rapping]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]

[Man]
Welcome to Juicemania...

the show that takes a look
at the wonderful world ofjuice.

This week... theJuice Weasel.

And now, here's your host,
Gordy Langston!

- Hi, everybody!
- [Cheering]

Are you as excited
as I'm being paid to be?

We've been paid too!

Oh, that's all right,
and it's also incredible!

Hey, let's bring out today's host...

the incredible, most amazing guest
we've ever had...

JuicyJay Corners!

- [Cheering]
- Come on! Wow!

Wow!

Wow! JuicyJay, that was
an incredible feat of strength.

Thank you, Gordy. I took my whole family
on long trips like this.

Wow. Wow, man.
Where's your family now, Jay?

They're all dead.
I outlived 'em all.

That's the beauty
of theJuice Weasel.

Wow. That's incredible,
huh, audience?

- You! Come on up here.
- Me?

Come on up!

- You seem like a healthy young man.
How old are ya?
- I'm .

- Twenty-one, huh?
- Yes. [Grunts]

He's , but I'm still standin'.

I found the secret of eternal life.

I looked into God's eyes,
and you know what I saw?

- TheJuice Weasel.
- Hey, folks! Can you tell me what time it is?

[With Audience]
Time tojuice!

[Chanting]
Juice! Juice! Juice! Juice!

[Chanting Continues]

Gordy, that's how much organic matter
you need every day.

Now, you could eat it
in that form...

but sooner or later, you're gonna
get tired of wiping your butt.

Another problem is fruit.
How do you get at it?

Look! What do I do with it?

You need to be a NASA scientist
to get inside that thing.

Have you ever tried to drink
a raw carrot, Gordy?

[Gagging]

It can't be done.

Wow, I get it. Now, that's
where theJuice Weasel comes in.

Yes!

TheJuice Weasel separates
the fiber from the juice...

saving only the most
essential elements.

That's the beauty of my design, Gordy.

- I want you to try something.
- Sure, Jay.

- A little concoction I made before the show.
- Okay.

[Gags]

Ew! Ew, that tastes like
somebody's dirty undershorts.

- Not just somebody's, Gordy. They're mine.
- [Coughs]

But, see,
the undershorts are gone.

All that's left
is the life-giving juice.

- That's incredible!
- Isn't that great? Isn't that great?

[Audience Applauding]

See, people like to eat the bad stuff
and throw away the good stuff.

Look at this celery, Gordy.
Look at it!

- Where does it come from?
- Uh, the dirt, Jay?

- No, the soil.
- [Gasps]

You see, the soil is
the most important thing on earth.

That is Mother Earth
giving us our gifts.

All life emanates from the soil.
It emanates, Gordy!

See? So, what I do is
knock out the middle man.

You got all the minerals
you need right here.

- That's gonna be beautiful, Gordy.
- Sure is. Right, guys?

Hell with them! You know...

another question people ask me,
Gordy, is...

"Jay, what am I gonna do
about my finances?

Groceries are too expensive."
[Mumbling]

Oh, ya son of a... You know?
I could just go off on 'em.

I'd love to juice them sometime, you know?
Just put their hand in there...

- We can't do that, can we, Jay?
- [Imitates Grinding]

You know? But, uh...

But theJuice Weasel can take
yesterday's leftovers...

and turn them
into today's smoothie.

Sounds pretty good to me. [Chuckles]
But what do you mean, Jay?

Well, here's a little bag of garbage
I took off my neighbor's lawn.

- Most people throw eggshells away.
- [Grinding]

Bad mistake.

- Oh, look at this, Gordy. We got lucky.
- Hey, wait a minute.

We got lucky. See? You know, when I see
people throwing stuff like this away...

it just makes me want to scream.

Oh, come on now. Insects?

Don't ever question me, Gordy.

I know a lot more about nutrition
than you do.

All right. That's just about ready.

- Okay. Now, watch this, Gordy.
- Okay, Jay.

[Man Chanting]
Juice! Juice! Juice! Juice!

[With Audience]
Juice! Juice! Juice! Juice!

[Exhales, Grunts]

Notice anything different, Gordy?

Uh, no. What, uh, Jay?

I'm invisible!

Oh. Oh, oh, right.
Yeah, that's incredible.

L-I thought you were talking
about something else.

[Chuckles]

Who are you talking to, Gordy?
I'm over here!

Wow. That's incredible,
isn't it, audience?

You think that's great...
Oh, look. Look!

- Oh, the vegetables are flyin' by themselves.
- Ooh.

- Oh, great.
- If you think that's great, Gordy,
wait till you see me fly.

Wait a minute.
Uh, Jay... Wait a minute.

- That's not in the script. Jay...
- I can fly. I swear I can.

- Uh, uh, Leon, stop tape.
- I can fly!

- Wait. What? Jay? Jay. Jay!
- I can fly!

Oh, my God! He jumped
out the window! Stop tape!

- Oh, he jumped! Jay, are you all right?
- [Thuds]

It's getting dark.
I'm feeling strangely peaceful.

Oh, my God. Jay,
do we need a priest?

No, Gordy.
Just give me the juice.

[Exhales, Smacks Lips]

Could you pour some of that
on my joints, Gordy?

[Groans]

[Exhales]
I feel much better now, Gordy.

That proves one thing to me.

- There's a time to laugh...
- A time to cry...

- A time to live...
- [Together] And a time to juice!

Hope you guys had a good time.
We'll see ya next week!

♪♪ [Hip-Hop]