04x13 - January 17, 1993

[bunniefuu]

Hi. I'm world-famous bodybuilder
Vera de Milo.

A woman like me
gives off many special scents...

especially after a grueling afternoon
of deep power squats.

[Strains]

That's why I'm here
to promote my new fragrance...

Vera.

Why work as hard as I do,
when you can just smell like it?

Ooh!
Good golly, Vera.

That fragrance sure doesn't
smell tutti-frutti to me.

I mean, if it's made for a woman,
how come I like it so much?

- Because it smells like a sweaty guy.
- Ooh, shut up.

It's a very special combination
of rose hips, athlete's foot fungi...

and stinky fluids that keep running out
of my body when I pose.

- [Blows]
- Ooh, Lord, smells like the Lakers. Shut up.

My Wind Song stays on your mind.

[Whinnies]

- Hit it, Richard.
- ♪♪ [Piano: Rock And Roll]

♪ There's an odor
around the gym ♪

♪ And they call it Vera ♪

♪ It's made for her
but it smells like him ♪

♪ They call it Vera ♪

♪ She's the wench
with the stench ♪

- ♪ Vera ♪
- ♪ Leaves a mark on the bench, Ooh, Lord ♪

♪ Now they've bottled that stench for you
and they call it ♪

- [Together] ♪ Vera ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

- [Growls]
- Oh, Lord.

- ♪ Ooh ♪♪
- [Man] Vera perfume.

- May cause side effects.
Not recommended for use during pregnancy.
- [Growling]

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ Let's take a trip
and sip on a dream ♪

♪ Glide with the guide
on a funky scene ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those
funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

♪ On the double-dub-double
Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe
but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go ♪♪

Doctor, I can start
administering the medication...

as soon as my volunteer nurse
gets here.

Actually, she should've been here.

Don't lose your patience.
[Laughs] "Lose your patients"?

- Somebody get me some overalls.
I'm goin' to the funny farm.
- [Laughs]

Oh, why, look at you.

- Ya look so perfect
in your little white nurse's uniform...
- Thank you.

Oh, except for this little stain
here on your neck.

- Hmm. Hm.
- Ooh! Ooh!

Ow, Elsee.
Show some, uh, bedside manner.

Well, I was tryin' to.

Please, why don't you just
attend to that woman over there.

Oh, look at these
beautiful little babies.

Oh, hair's so soft,
and little button nose...

Work that areola, child.

Are you sure you gonna be able
to nurse these two babies?

I've seen bigger breasts
at Zacky Farms.

Elsee, I believe that Mrs. Walters...

is quite capable
of doing that herself.

Excuse me, nurse, could I please get something
for my throat? My throat is killin'me.

Oh, why, certainly.
Don't you worry about that.

Cousin Elsee'll take right care of it.

All right.
Now, open up and say "ah."

- Aaah.
- Ah?

- Ah?
- [Gags]

- Elsee!
- Now, turn over.
Let Cousin Elsee take your temperature.

- Elsee, please!
- Get her away from me.
Somebody call me a doctor.

Okay. You're a doctor.
[Laughs]

Golly, somebody set up
the lobotomy room...

'cause I'm gonna have
a piece of my brain cut out.

Elsee, why don't you come over here,
and, uh...

where I can keep
an eye on you?

Okay.

Now, according
to this man's chart...

he needs to be prepared
for surgery.

- Okay. I guess that means
I'm going to have to shave him.
- For heart surgery?

Now, never you mind. Just lay back
and let Cousin Elsee do the work.

Now, where's my razor?

And my magnifying glass?

Nurse!
[Groans]

- Elsee, please. Get a grip.
- Well, I had one.

Why don't you just come over here
and help me?

- [Monitor Beeping]
- Oh, isn't this somethin'. A man in a tent.

Well, it certainly is nice to get in some campin'
while you're sick.

- Uh, no, Elsee, this is a coma tent.
- [Beeping Continues]

Why don't you just massage his muscles
while I look over his vital signs.

All righty.

Poor little thing, all trapped up
in a little plastic bubble.

Let Cousin Elsee soothe ya.

Just lay back, honey...

'cause when Cousin Elsee get that feelin',
I'll give you some of my sexual healin'.

Elsee! Get off!

I don't mind if I do.

For God's sakes.
The man is in a coma!

Not anymore he's not.
Cousin Elsee done revived the dead.

Mr. Fleming, you're conscious!

That was a marvelous thing you did, madam.
How can we ever repay you?

Oh, there ain't no need
to repay Cousin Elsee.

Just a little hug
from the doctor'll do.

- Oh, anything for you, ma'am.
- Okay.

Hey!
[Sputtering]

Someone get this big bitch off me!

- [Flatline Tone]
- Stop it! He's flatlining again!

Elsee! Get off!

- [No Audio]
- [Man] Okay, roll cameras, places, and action.

- One, two, three, four.
- ♪♪ [Hip-hop]

[Rapping]
♪ Star Pac computers help us compute ♪

♪ This is somethin'
you can't dispute ♪

- ♪Just turn it on ♪
- ♪ And rev it up ♪

- ♪ Our Star Pac let's us know ♪
- [All] ♪ Whassup ♪

- Stop!
- ♪♪ [Stops]

Why is it that no matter
what the product is...

black people are always singing, rapping
and dancing in commercials?

♪♪ [Resumes]

- ♪ It's easy to use ♪
- ♪ That ain't no jive ♪

- ♪ Star Pac computers ♪
- [Both] ♪ Gimme five ♪♪

Ahhh!

[Crystal]
Why?

[Man] Welcome to
The Dysfunctional Home Christmas Show.

Yeah, okay, we know it's January, but
the familyjust woke up from a two-week drunk.

And now here's our host,
Grandpa Jack McGee.

Oh, hi...

and welcome back
to The Dysfunctional Home Show.

I just got fired
from a gig at Macy's.

Like I'm the first Santa
that ever threw up on a kid.

This week...
This week...

we're gonna show ya
how to have a dysfunctional Christmas.

Ho, ho, ho.

I wish I could suck
on a -gauge.

Okay. Let's get into
the spirit of this thing.

[No Audio]

We're gonna start with Grandpa Jack's
special recipe...

for Christmas rum cake.

First step, ya get the cake.

Step number two...

ya add a dash of Grandpa's
secret ingredient:

Pork and beans.

Pork and beans!

Yum, yum.

Now, once the family
gets a taste of that...

they're gonna l-l-l...

They're gonna l-l...

They're...
[Gags]

And that's where
the rum comes in.

[Door Bell Rings]

Uh... Oh.

That must be my stepdaughter...

and my little grandchildren.

You know,
Christmas is a time for family.

- Come here, kids. Come on.
- [Yelps]

You ungrateful little sperm.

Ho, ho, uh, ho.
Holy...

Great Grandma forgot
to hang up her stocking.

Hey, kids, look who it is.

It's time for
Great Grandma McGee's...

traditional Christmas story.

- Gather 'round, kiddies.
- Come on, kids. Get the lead out!

Who the hell are you?
Anyway...

'Twas the night
before Christmas...

and all through the house...

- nothin' was stirrin'...
- [Grandpa Jack] Nothin'.

Not even a little old,
little martini.

When out on the porch
came a thundering clatter.

- [Grandpa Jack Mutters]
- It was the social worker
come to take all my babies...

all of'em except Jack!

Grandpa Jack... that's right.

He was still in my festering womb.

I begged her to take him,
but no!

That's beautiful.
[Sniffles]

Hey, I think I left
my bottle opener in there.

- Well, it's mine now, Jack.
- All right.

Hey, kids...

it's time to light the tree.

[Children And Great Grandma]
Ooh.

Okay, kids, it's time to join
in the singing of...

Get outta the way!

To join in the singing...

of our dysfunctional
Christmas anthem.

- Oh, God.
- Shut up!

♪ On the eighth day
of Christmas ♪

- [Others Join] ♪ My true love gave to me ♪
- [Groans]

♪ Eight restraining orders ♪

♪ Seven pills a-poppin'
Six-packs of beer ♪

♪ Five dry-y-y heaves ♪

[Exhales]

♪ Four counts of battery
Three black eyes ♪

♪ Two-timing wives ♪

♪ And can of pork and beans ♪♪

Pork and beans!

Oh, you shut up, Jack.
You can't sing.

You never could sing.

[Knocking]

Hey, how you doin'? Your children
sent this champagne with their best wishes.

They want everything to be perfect for you
on your second honeymoon.

Oh, well, you know, every day is like
a second honeymoon with old Mr. Brooks, here.

That's right. The tunnel been dark,
but we can still see the light.

- That's great. I just...
- That's why after all these years...

[Together, In High Voice]
We still together.

- That's really good.
A-And you're a big inspiration.
- Well, all right, now.

Go ahead on with you.

Yeah, it's about time we went
on our second honeymoon, Miss Brooks.

Course, I'll never forget
our first honeymoon.

You came out the bathroom
wearin' a peekaboo nightie.

First I peeked,
and then I booed.

Well, maybe you'd get a little more action
if you were better lookin', Mr. Brooks.

Why, the last time you stuck your face out
the car window, you got arrested for moonin'.

Now, I wouldn't talk about ugly,
Miss Brooks.

Why, with that overbite of your, you can kiss
a man and comb his moustache at the same time.

Would you mind gettin' my slippers,
Miss Brooks?

I wouldn't be talkin' about bad teeth,
Mr. Brooks.

Your dentures got so much food stuck in 'em,
Sally Struthers wanted to send 'em to Africa.

- Uh, Miss Brooks, what's the par on this hole?
- What?

Mr. Brooks, I believe them funky, furry slippers
of yours are up under the bed.

Oh, l-I'll get 'em myself.
Guess I'm a expert at funky, furry things.

- [Metallic Clang]
- Oh! Oh.

Uh, Miss Brooks,
I believe I found your I.U.D.

Mr. Brooks,
I don't have to worry about birth control.

Your face just does fine.

[Grunts]
Oh, I see you's a strong woman, Miss Brooks.

That must come from
liftin' pounds...

every time ya get up
off the toilette.

Funny, you bringin' up the toilet,
with your father's flatulence problem, Mr. Brooks.

Why, the only way that man could pass more gas
is if an Exxon truck drove out his butt.

Watch it. Watch it.
Watch it, now. Watch it, now.

- Are you gonna tuck me in, Mr. Brooks, or what?
- No, but I'm gonna tuck you up.

What?
[Yelps]

Well, Miss Brooks, it's 'bout time
for your dream to come true...

'cause I'm finally gonna poke ya.

[Bones cr*ck]
Ooh!

Ooh. Lord, Miss Brooks,
you must weigh damn near a ton there.

Whoo! Ya got more fatty grease up under
your chin than the Colonel's chicken fryer.

I wouldn't bring up the Colonel,
if I were you...

seein' how your underpants couldn't hold
much more than a one-wing kiddie meal.

- Oh, come on and get it, there, stinker. Come on.
- Yah!

- Hoo!
- Ha, ha.

Oh, now, Mr. Brooks, you're gonna get it,
and get it good.

- Why, is your sister in town?
- Ooh!

[Rings]

Mr. Brooks,
I'm about to do the bionic suplex on ya.

Well, I hope ya don't give me herpes simplex again.
Now the airplane. The airplane!

- Ooh, I'm gonna ride the bull to Grandpa's house.
- Ooh! Ooh, Lord. Lord!

Hey, I was... Uh, I was just bringin'
the champagne glasses back...

but look like you two lovebirds
couldn't wait.

[Together, In High Voice]
We still together.

- ♪♪ [Stand-up Bass: Hip-hop]
- Yo, whassup? We are proud to debut
a new rap group...

kickin' off their single,
"Rebirth of Slick."

Please welcome Pendulum recording artists,
Digable Planets.

Peace, world. Straight from
the colorful ghettos of outer space.

You've got the man, the woman and child.
And we come in the form of a Digable Planet.

♪ Yeah, it's the Butterfly
It's the Ladybug, It's the Doodlebug ♪

And this "The Rebirth of Slick,"
so check-check it out.

♪♪ [Rapping Together]

♪♪ [Rapping]

♪♪ [Rapping]

♪♪ [Continues, Together]

♪♪ [Rapping]