03x10 - November 24, 1991

[bunniefuu]

I still don't understand
why you brought me here today.

Well, honey, you're older now and Mama thinks
it's time to show you something very special.

- Ta-da!
- Wow, look at all these names.

These must be the names of people who
donated money to keep the park beautiful.

- Hmm, not exactly.
- Then these must be the , points of light.

No, Missy. These , names are the women
who've slept with Wilt Chamberlain.

You mean there's
a monument to that?

Honey, that's just the tip of the iceberg.
You see that name up there?

- Mom!
- That's right. Me. Me! [Laughs]

Mom, that's great.

- Oh.!
- You never cease to amaze me.

Well, honey, you know...

one of these days maybe
you'll get lucky and you'll meet Wilt...

and then your name
will be on the wall of fame.

Well, thanks all the same,
but, uh...

I've already
been there, homie.

You little rascal.

You don't have to tell me
why them call him The Stilt.

[Both Laugh, Squeal]

Oh, girl. Oh, I guess my little girl's
a full-grown skeezer.

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those
funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe
but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪♪

[Man] Christy Brown, the hero
from My Left Foot, is back...

and he's notjust kickin'his handicap,
he's kickin'some ass...

as Ireland's champion kickboxer
in My Left Foot of Fury.

[Yells]

- 'Nother pint there, Christy?
- Not tonight, Reg. I'm wheelin'.

- I said no!
- Hey! Leave her alone.

Who's gonna make me?

- I am.
- And who's gonna help ya, gimpy?

I am.

Van Damme, brass knuckles.

[Man] Reunited with his Belgian brother,
Jean-Claude Van Damme...

he's putting his foot down
where it counts.

Van Damme, nunchakus.

[Karate Yells]

[Yells Continue]

Anybody else want some?
Huh? Huh?

[Yells, Grunts]

Van Damme.

Wheelbarrow. Wheelbarrow.

Damn it,
I love a good fight.

[Man] Christy Brown,
Jean-Claude Van Damme...

kicking into high gear
in My Left Foot of Fury.

You don't know how
to make no love.

Boy, I know how to
make love to a woman.

I might be old. I may not be able
to ride 'em like I used to...

but I can still fit the saddle.
[Laughs]

- Hey, what's up?
- Hey there.

How you doin', young man?
That's a nice tie you got there.

Thank you. Hangin' in there, huh?
How long the wait?

Well, see, it's two hours
if you want to get with me...

but you can go right up
in Mac's chair if you want to.

- That's okay. I'll come back later.
- All right. That's a smart man.

Oh, no. Here he comes.

Move your feet, sucker!

Boy, you got ears?
Move your damn feet.

- Hey, man. What's your problem?
- What you say, sucker?

- I said, "What's your problem?"
- Fine, and you?

You know he can't hear ya,
don't ya?

He deaf as a swamp rat.
Watch this.

- Mac, did you change your drawers yesterday?
- What you say, sucker?

I said, did you change
your stinky drawers yesterday?

No, thank you.
You know I don't eat no chitlins.

See what I mean?
He's just as deaf as he wanna be.

Why doesn't he get
a hearing aid?

Oh, he can hear
when he wanna hear.

If it's somethin' important for him,
he can hear that. Watch this.

[Whispers] Now when Mac leaves,
we gonna drink up all his bourbon.

Y'all better not touch my liquor,
or somebody gonna get cut!

See, he can hear.
You ain't gonna cut nobody up in here, man.

- See what I mean?
- [Laughs]

Yo, what's up, money?

How you doin', son? I ain't got no money
for ya, but I can cut your hair.

Hey, man. What's the wait like
up in here? I need a cut bad.

You do need one.
But check this out.

All these people here
are waitin' on me...

but you can go first
up in Mac's chair, if you want.

- Bet. I'll sit in Mac's chair.
- [Laughs]

- You new here, ain't ya?
- Yeah. How you know?

Just a lucky guess.

Poor thing.

- What you want, young man?
- I just want a trim. Just trim it up...

- Take it all off?
- Nah, I want a trim.

- East Coast or West Coast?
- Nah, I just want a trim...

- You want a tail in the back?
- I don't want no tail...

- You want initials right across the back?
- No, man.

- You don't want your name across the back?
- I just want a trim...

Point to the wall
what you want, sucker.

Right there. The dude
with the little ears.

One Globetrotter
comin' up!

[Coughs]

[Clippers Buzzing]

- Hold s...
- Ouch, man!

- What'd you say, sucker?
- I said, "Ouch, man." That hurt.

- So you do want the tail in the back?
- Yo. What did you...

- What... Let me see what you did to my hair.
- Hold still, now.

- Let me see what you did to my hair.
- Just calm down.

[Coughing]

Ouch, man!

- Ten dollars.
- Yo, man. I ain't givin' you nothin'.

- You must be crazy, man.
- Where's my tip, sucker?

Tip? I'll break the tip of my shoe off
in your old crazy ass.

Come on, boy.

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

My name is Benny,
and I'm an alcoholic.

- Hi, Benny.
- Hello, Benny.

- [Woman] Welcome, Benny.
- Whoo!

I am glad to say that I haven't had
a drink of alcohol in six months.

- That's great.
- Yeah!

Don't fret, mon toupee.
Frenchie has arrivé and it is time to par-tay!

♪ I just wanna
party sometime ♪

♪ Party sometime
Party sometime ♪♪

- Come on, Benny.
Do the funky penguin with me.
- Get off...

Oh, no. Not again, Frenchie.
How did you find me?

Oh, man. It wasn't easy,
mon friend Grey Poupon.

I followed you out of that porno shop
down there on Cahuenga...

and I knew you had to be
goin' to a party...

else you wouldn't have bought
that blow-up doll.

- Get your sharecroppin' hands off of me!
- Excuse me.

Excuse me, but I'm afraid
you have the wrong place. This is A.A.

Oh, that's a good thing,
'cause my car broke down about six blocks.

I think it might have
been the battery...

but it sure was hard
to drive with that boot on.

Know what I mean?

Not Triple "A". This is a meeting
for Alcoholics Anonymous.

What are you talkin' about?
You're not anonymous.

There's Richie, there's Benny,
Janice... Hi, Janice.

Get out of here!
Get out of here, Frenchie!

No, wait a minute.
I am the group leader. Sit down!

Now, everybody is welcome to stay,
and anybody with an outfit on like that...

is in dire need
of assistance.

Hey, any woman with a wig got nerve
talkin' about my outfit.

Got some nerve, there.

- Now, who's next?
- Jenny, you go next.

Go, Jenny.

Hi, um... Well...
[Clears Throat]

I remember when I knew
I had hit rock bottom.

I left work and went straight to a bar.
[Clears Throat]

And the next thing I knew,
I was in a...

a Gremlin with some...

some greasy-looking guy
I had never seen...

and I had my...
dress up over my head...

and I don't even know
where my wedding ring is. [Sobs]

Well, I'll beJean Natéed.
That was you?

Well, baby, I pawned your wedding ring,
but I brought your drawers back.

Here you go, baby.

Oh, I know.

- This is what can happen from alcohol!
- Oh, that wasn't alcohol, baby.

♪ That was a just
a love machine ♪

♪ And he won't work it
for nobody but you ♪

Sir, I don't think
you understand.

- We are alcoholics.
- Uh-huh?

I was once up to
two bottles ofJ&B a day.

I don't know
how long I can stay dry.

Hey, man, that ain't nothin'. I was up to three
and a half bottles ofT.C.B. Light a day.

I switched over to Afro Sheen,
and I'm never dry.

[Screams]

Buddy, you just
don't get it.

I drank myself out of a job,
a marriage and a home.

Hey, man. Don't feel bad. My mama told me
when I was six, I drank out the toilet.

- Look, look. Frenchie. Frenchie.
- Uh-huh?

- Perhaps you can help us with our role-playing.
- All right.

- Um, Janice. Janice. Janice!
- Janice.

- Janice.
- Come on, Janice.

- Okay.
- Oh, you are somethin' else.

Now, Janice,
Frenchie is alcohol.

- Now explain to him the way you feel.
- [Sighs, Clears Throat]

All right. I admit it.
I'm addicted to you...

- Oh.
- To your smell, the way you intoxicate me.

The thought that I can't go a single day
without you just gives me the shakes.

Well, baby, if all that happens
just lookin' at me...

wait till I slip you
some tongue.

- Come here!
- [Screams]

- Hey, hey!
- I can't do this.

Why don't you just tell us how
alcohol has affected your life?

What you talkin' 'bout, man? I don't need
no alcohol to get no women.

All I need is a RickJames eight track,
bottle of musk oil and $ .

Man, what can
a girl get for $ ?

Nothin', but I can get the boot off my car.
What do you think?

You know somethin'? If this guy can get women
without drinkin', there's hope for us all.

- You gonna listen to...
- Hey, man. That sound like a party to me.

Come on, y'all. Kick it off on four.
One, two, three, four.

♪ I just wanna
party all the time ♪

♪ Party all the time
Party ♪♪

- Come on, girl. Move your legs.
- Whoo-hoo!

[Man] Are you tired
of that same old bald head?

Tired of washing it, shining it,
but you still come up with the same old look?

Well, now there's Skully
Conditioning Head Cream.

Try Skully. Used like shampoo,
Skully breaks down your scalp...

to make your skull
soft and manageable.

Create your own styles,
like the non-hairy, non-dairy Mister Softee.

Or the Flesh Fade.

- Get Skully. You'll turn heads.
- [No Audible Dialogue]

Thanks, Skully.

[Man] Skully. Who thought your head
could have so much body?

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

[g*nshots]

♪♪ [Ends]

♪♪ [Women Singing]

[Man] Public Access Channel
presents Men On Film.

♪♪ [Ends]

- Hello. I'm Blayne Edwards.
- And I'm Antoine Merrywether.

[Together]
And welcome to Men On Films.

Tonight, we have
a brand-new sponsor.

Ballpark Franks.
They plump when you heat 'em.

- I'll bet they do.
- [Chuckles]

They almost can't fit
into the bun.

This week, we're going
to answer some of our critics...

who say we can criticize films but we don't
know how to actually make cinema.

The truth is, we've been making
a lot of films over the years.

Mm-hmm. But tonight,
we're gonna focus on our feature films.

So sit back, relax,
and enjoy this:

The first Men on Film festival.

This show is all about us.
♪ It's my turn ♪♪

We begin with a Western picture
called The Magnifent Nine.

This wonderful flick starred
Blayne in the title role...

and I have to say, Blayne,
you just exploded onto screen.

Kudos.!

Let's take a look at an exciting scene
from The Magnifent Nine.

♪♪ [Piano]

♪♪ [Piano Continues]

Supposed to wear it
to the side.

Bartender, I want
something stiff to drink.

Jack Daniels?

He look anything like you?

[Humming]

Say, I'm lookin' for Butch.

- ♪♪ [Piano Stops]
- I'm Butch. Who's lookin' for me?

Well, if it isn't
Johnny Ringo.

That's a mighty big piece of steel
you got strapped to your leg.

This town's not big enough
for both of us, Ringo.

I'm ridin' you
all the way back to Frisco.

Go ahead. Make my day.

- Come to Mama, girl.
- [Squeals]

Butch, I miss you so much.
I ain't seen you since the barn dance.

What happened to you?
You left your spurs over my house.

How did you get
out of the handcuffs, girl?

Hated it.

'Toine, do I see the little
green-eyed monster peekin' out?

Just a little bit.

Everyone knows the real reason
why you got that part.

It was the time you spent
on that casting couch.

Excuse me, Miss Thing, but both of us
spent time on that couch.

So's anyway, our next film
is a thrilling adventure starring...

this thing over here...

set in the dark, dank, moist confines
of a World w*r II submarine.

- It's called Deep Sea Men.
- Oh, hush.

Dismissed, sailor.

♪♪ [Whistling]

Uh, Captain, I'm all finished
in the boiler room.

Request permission
to put my shirt back on.

Permission denied, sailor. Oh, by the way,
those smudges look fabulous.

Go put on those little shorts
I like so much. Go on.

Captain, enemy ships
at : and : .

Oh. 'Scuse me.

Fire torpedoes!

Torpedoes are jammed in the tubes, sir.
We can't get 'em to move.

Oh, phooey!

Well, it looks like I'm gonna have to
guide this one in myself, men.

I'm going down in the hole.

'Scuse me.

Here I come,
you n*zi bastards. Whee!

- Yeah.
- That was fabulous.

- You were good.
- Thank you.

But you wasn't me. So...

- You just determined to work
my last good nerve, ain't you?
- Yes, I am.

I have just three words to describe my
performance. Won-der-ful, and I'm through.

You know, I was disappointed...

when my film was not released
with its original title, Das Booty.

Oh, well. That brings us
to our most recent...

and I must say our most
successful colaboración...

the boxing classic,
Kid Fist.

- I think he likes me.
- Hey, let go of me, muchacho.

- [Man] Come on.
- Go, Fist, go. Go!

Hold still. Boink!

- I hope that hurt, beast.
- [Bell Rings]

- Yeah, Fist!
- Thank you.

Hold the rope, girl.
Ooh. Ah.

Aw, geez, he's good.

All that Latin blood
just pulsing away in him. And he's cute.

- Maybe I should do a couple of rounds.
- Come back here.

- Don't swallow.
- I never do.

Oh, look at my eye.
It's all puffy.

- I know. I could fix it with a little Vaseline.
- Oh, I've heard that before.

- [Bell Rings]
- Listen, if he hits you again, you tie him up.

Okay. I don't think
he's into that.

Yoo-hoo, Pedro.

Let's give Kid Fist the new Men on Film
patented festival flamenco snap.

Olé! [Chuckles]

Well, I think this should put to rest
all that carping and caterwauling...

about who can and who cannot
make movies around here.

Join us next week
when we take a look...

at our new Christmas film,
The Last Boy Scouts.

Mm-hmm. Zip up your sleeping bags,
'cause it's gonna be a bumpy night.

- I hope so.
- Good night, everyone.

♪♪ [Women Singing]

♪♪ [Ends]

- [Indistinct]
- Okay, that's my man.

Yo, my man Steve
wants to say somethin'.

Once again, thanks
for chillin' with us.

Catch us next Sunday at : .

And my man Steve wanna say
a little somethin' to y'all.

Yo, yo, yo, yo! What's up?

Chinatown in the house.
Koreatown in the house.

Little Tokyo in the house.

What Steve really
wants to say is, peace!

- Peace!
- Peace!

♪♪ [Hip-hop]