03x08 - November 10, 1991

[bunniefuu]

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one
of those funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe but some of
the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪♪

The place really is just charming,
isn't it? Here's my business card.

Please feel free to call me
if you have any questions at all.

Bye-bye now.

Hello there.
I'm Sheila Peace.

Hi. Hey, this place isn't that bad.
Have you rented it yet?

Why, no, we haven't.
Please feel free to take a look around.

Course, I will mention
that there's an application...

and you'll be required
to list your employer.

That's no problem.
I have a job.

Well, of course you do.
Now, what team do you play for?

- I'm a doctor.
- You're not Dr.J., are you?

I've heard you're quite talented.

Lady, I'm a medical doctor.

Well, good for you.
Now, you must have studied very hard.

Let me tell you a little bit
about the apartment, shall I?

Firstly, this locale
is ideal for you.

There is a Golden Bird Fried Chicken
right down on the corner.

And do you know something?
There is a crack house over on Seventh.

I tell you. People are getting beat up
and shot there all the time.

And what, with you being a doctor and all,
your business could be booming.

Of course, I can't guarantee
that the corner store...

would carry that Afro Sheen
activist stuff.

They're Mexican, you know.

They have plenty
of those "torteelas,"

and the rest of us
just have to make-do.

Lady, I'm gonna have
a look around... by myself.

Oh, please do.

You know, there is plenty
you can do with this space.

You can put your big stereo there
in the corner and play that rap music...

just as loud as you like.

Listen to me.
You go ahead and look all you want.

Are you still showing
the apartment?

We certainly are.
Hello. How are you? I'm Sheila Peace.

I must say,
you speak English very well.

Please feel free
to have a look around.

Hey, this isn't bad, honey.

Yeah, but I'm not sure
I like the neighborhood.

Well, let me
just say this about that.

This neighborhood is conveniently close
to everything you need.

Why, Chinatown
is just blocks away.

That was a good movie,
wasn't it? Chinatown.

Course, there weren't
a lot of Chinese people in it.

That must have chapped your hide.

Course, now you people
are buying up Hollywood.

You'll show them, huh?

Hey, we're Korean.

Oh, well, then this apartment
is just perfect for you.

Here you are on the first floor. You won't
disturb anyone down below with that karate stuff.

And there's a Fotomat
right across the street.

You know, we are one of
the few buildings in the area...

that feature speed bumps
in the parking garage.

Can I get you an application?

No. I think we're looking for
something a little bigger.

Oh, well, of course you are. What,
with that whole boat people situation.

Well, the thought of that
brings tears to my eyes.

I'm sure you guys have relatives
coming in all the time.

Listen, good luck to you.

- Excuse me.
- It's just as well, really.

You know, that rice that they cook
sticks to the garbage disposal.

It takes forever to get it out.

Oh, would you listen to me?
I haven't even introduced myself.

- Hi. I'm Sheila Peace.
- Hi. How are you?

Aren't you adorable?
I bet when you grow up...

you wanna manage a -Eleven
just like your father.

You'll get all the Big Gulps
you want, won't ya?

Come on, Son.
We're gonna look around some more.

Well, hello again there, Doctor.

Have you decided
you'd like an application?

No, lady, I would never
rent an apartment from you.

Well, my goodness,
you do drive a hard bargain.

Okay, then I'll put up
a hoop in the backyard.

Oh, and you can barbecue
all you please.

Lady, you are sick.

I am?

Oh, my goodness,
I feel all right.

Well, you're the doctor.
Toodle-loo.

- Excuse me.
- Have you had a good chance to look around?

You know, this place
really is perfect for you.

There's plenty of room
for all of your wives to belly dance.

Plus, you know,
the bedroom window faces Mecca.

You know, if you don't like the bare floors,
you could put a magic carpet down.

- Les.
- [Screams]

Look, I've been looking for you
everywhere, man. Where have you been?

- Don't sneak up on me like that.
- You gotta help me, man.

Why? What's going on?
What happened?

I accidentally k*lled a guy.
I got in a fight with him.

I hit him one time, man.
It was like I had the strength of two men.

- What do you want me to do?
- I need money.

Okay. Well,
here's my paycheck.

- Um...
- Three dollars?

Okay, I've been holding out.
Here's a quarter.

I was gonna play
video games at lunch.

Hey, Les, you wanna
get back to work?

I'm not paying you to hang out
with riffraff. Customers are waiting.

All right, all right,
I only have one hand.

[Man On Loudspeaker]
Wes Rawls, we know you're in there.

- Come out with your hands up.
- Oh, my God, they found me.

- [Screams]
- They must have been following you.

They knew I'd make contact
with you sooner or later.

- I'm scared, man.
- Oh, stop "snivering."

You gotta get outta here.
You gotta get outta here, Wes.

- You're right. See you around.
- Okay.

Damn it, Les.
Are you gonna do any work today?

What are you talking about? I just
cleaned off the entire counter for you.

- What do you want from me?
- Hey, is there another way outta here?

- Just the window.
- All right, little brother, I gotta go.

Okay, man.
Hey, can I get you something else?

Good idea, Les. They probably
would have thought of that one.

Come on, son.
We've got the place surrounded.

You'll never take me alive, coppers.

[g*nshots]

- Freeze! Nobody move!
- Back up! I got a hostage!

Yeah, he's got a hostage.

- Who?
- Move or I'll do him!

- You, stupid, you! Back up!
- Oh.

Let him through.
He's got a hostage.

Shut up, you whimpering punk.

- I'm telling Mom.
- Mom never liked you anyway.

- Give me back my quarter.
- Take it. Take it, big man.

Wes, don't do this to me, man.
Please don't do this to me.

- Shut up. Shut up.
- [Whimpering]

All right, stay back,
or I'll do this little punk.

I'm not that much of a punk.

Listen here.
It's me they want, kid.

Go on, get outta here, man.
Run as fast as that little foot can take ya.

Okay, but keep in touch, buddy.

Why would I keep in touch
with a punk like you? Just go!

Okay, buddy. You take it easy.
I'll see you around.

Wes, stop, stop. Wes, you got my foot now.
[Continues, Indistinct]

[Coughing] Well, Paul, it looks like
it's almost time to be moving on.

No, Pappy.
Don't leave me, Pappy.

Yes'm, I'm on my way
to that big cotton field in the sky.

You can't leave me, Pappy.
I's too dumb to make it.

- I can't. I'm just a dumb ol' sl*ve.
- Hush up!

- Yes, sir.
- You's ain't no sl*ve, boy.

- No.
- We's runaways.

- I run away from that plantation years ago.
- Yes, sir.

And I done raised three generations
of children here in this cave.

Now you gots to go.
You're the last of the Timbuks.

I can't make it out there, Pappy.

- You gots to.
- I can't.

- You gots to.
- I can't.

- I'll put my foot in your ass.
- Okay, I'll try.

All right. Well, now you gots to
head up north...

- Yes'm.
- And find the Underground Railroad.

- Yes'm.
- Gots to find Harriet Tubman.

- Harriet Tubman.
- Look like Cicely Tyson.

- I thought that was Jane Pittman?
- No, that's Esther Rolle.

I want you to do
one other thing for me, boy.

- What is it, Pappy? What, Pappy?
- Take care of my good jacket.

- Oh, yes, sir.
- [Groans]

Pappy! Pappy.
[Breathing Heavily]

Oh, Pappy!

He'd wants me to have this.

[Groaning, Grunts]

Well, it looks like
I'm on my own now.

I gots to find my freedom and get outta
here before this body starts stinkin'.

Before I be a sl*ve,
I be buried in the grave.

Or I be the hardest working man
in the cotton field.

Psst. Psst.
You headin' north?

Uh, no, man.
I believe this is southeast.

Well, how far behind you is they?

- Who?
- The dogs. I don't hear the dogs.

Man, what dogs, man?
Is there something I can help you with?

'Cause I'm on my way home,
and, man, I am whipped.

Oh, Lord, how many lashes
they give ya?

Uh, no, man, I mean I'm beat.

Well, at least
you still got your foot.

Man, look, what is it that you want, man?
I don't have any time for this.

You must be one of
those house n*gg*s.

- Look, I'm just looking for my freedom.
- Freedom?

- Yes, sir.
- Well, where the hell have you been, in a cave?

Yes, sir, right back yonder.

Oh, man, look.
You must be from the South, man.

- Brothers up here don't act like that.
- No?

Excuse me?

Well, move it.
You're blocking the way.

I's sorry, sir.
We just mosey out your way.

Man, what the hell
is the matter with you?

I'm trying to jog,
and you're blocking my way.

Yeah, well, next time,
you know, run around, jackass.

- What?
- [Breathing Heavily]

Is you crazy, man?

Is you crazy? You don't be talking
to no white man like that.

He don't... They wanna be right
even when they wrong. We's sorry, sir.

Very sorry, sir.
Didn't mean to hurt ya.

Sorry. He must got one of them,
that colored fever goin' round.

The boy is not feeling too well.
Accept our apologies, please, sir.

- I'll accept yours.
- Thank you.

But I don't like
your friend's attitude.

You better change your attitude.

- Man, why did you do that?
- What you talkin' about?

Didn't your pappy teach you
nothin' about survival?

You don't talk to
the white man like that.

Them people wanna be right
even when they's wrong.

- [Dog Barking]
- [Yells]

You see what you did?

You done put the dogs on us.

Oh, them dogs a lot smaller
than Pappy said they was.

- Man, it's .
- [Indistinct]

- What did you say?
- I said stop eyeballin' that white woman.

- With your fancy clothes on.
- Man, you can have that if you so desire, brother.

This is , man.

All that handkerchief
head stuff don't play up here.

This is America. We are free.
We can do what we want.

There he is, Officer.
That's the one.

You done brought
the sl*ve catchers on us.

- Well, feets, don't fail me now.
- Be cool. Be cool, man.

We haven't done anything wrong. Officer,
I'm glad you're here. See, because...

All right, face down on the ground.
Put your hands behind your back.

- Yes, sir! Yes, sir!
- Wait a minute!

I said get down on your knees
and get your hands behind your back!

I's down, sir.
If I go any further, I'll be in China.

[Officer]
You have...

- You have the right to remain silent.
- Man, this is outrageous.

We didn't mean no harm,
Mr. sl*ve Master, sir.

- You better shut up.
- Yes, sir.

Please don't beat me.
Don't beat me.

L-I tried to warn him,
but he wouldn't listen.

Hush up. I'm not talking to you.
You're free to go.

- I's free?
- Yeah, keep moving.

Wait a minute now. I think
he's in a singing group or something, man.

Yes, sir. I keep moving.
That's a good idea.

Freedom don't seem
to last too long around here.

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

[Man Speaking]

♪♪ [Hip-hop Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]

[Announcer]
The king oflate night is hanging it up...

so make way
for the new contender to the throne.

[Show Announcer] Welcome to Late
Night With Mike, starring Mike Tyson.

Along with the world's most bucktooth-errific
band, the Spinks brothers.

And here's a man who's always
given % no matter what he's done.

Let's give a big
hamburger-istic applause...

for Iron Mike...

Tyson.!

- [Show Announcer] Hi-yo.!
- [Audience Whooping]

Oh, what a crowd! You guys
are so ludicrous tonight. I'm ecstatic.

- [Show Announcer Chuckling]
- Oh, what's going on in the news?

You hear about the boxer running around
molesting all the beauty contestants?

Who does he think he is,
a Supreme Court judge? Hi-yo!

Oh, boy.

What about that boxer who's up
for the fraternity suit?

I mean, the kid
looks nothing like him.

He's short, ugly,
lines in his hair, gold teeth.

And... Hey, who's
writing this stuff?

[Audience Laughs]

[Laughs] That's not funny.
[Stammers]

I better introduce my posse before I hurt
somebody. You know them people over there?

They're the...

Oh! Hey, folks,
these are not jokes.

These are things that make you say,
"Robin, you bitch."

Hi-yo!
[Laughs]

We got a great show.
We got a great show.

A lot of fun guests tonight.
So let's get started.

Spinks brothers,
take us home, Michael...

with some of that " I got hit once
and laid down and collect a check" funk...

like the coward you are.

- Get us outta here!
- ♪♪ [Hip-hop]

[Announcer] You'll also get to enjoy
Michael's own special comedy bits.

Please welcome the "fabulistic"
Car Wreck the Magnificent.

[Applause, Cheering]

Car Wreck,
I hold in my hand an envelope...

that has been "Panasonically" sealed
in a mayonnaise jar...

on Gerry Cooney's porch
since noon today.

But, you, in your
"uncongriffable" way...

will ascertain the answer
to the questions without even seeing.

That is correct,
Larry Holmes'jockstrap breath.

Fee-fi-fee-fi-fee-fi-fo.

Fee-fi-fee-fi-fee-fi-fo.

What is my telephone number?

[Announcer]
Late Night With Mike is also informative.

- Well, let's get to the Top Five, shall we?
- All right.

Now these are the top five questions
that people ask me the most.

And the number one question
that people always ask me the most is:

[Glass Breaking]

[Announcer] Plus, you'll also get
to hear some great conversation...

with guest stars like Sinbad.

Don't ever tell a woman
she got a big butt, man.

My wife got a big butt, man.
And she ask me, "Sinbad, is my butt big?"

I said, "No, baby, your butt ain't big."
Butt big as New Jersey, man.

You can show the millimeter version
of Quo Vadis on her booty, man.

And when women got big booties,
they eat less, but their booty's still big.

They eat a little,
but their butts still growing, man.

She walks down the street like this here.
I gotta act like her butt is big, but it's still big.

But it's little in my mind,
not in her mind.

[Stammering]
Y'all don't think that's funny?

What are you talking about?
I mean, where are your jokes at?

L-I like women with big butts.
What's wrong with a big butt?

You're not making any sense. You're making
me sick. Just get off of my show.

Get outta here.
There's no joke there.

His wife has a nice, big...

[Announcer]
You'll also see another side of Mike...

when he's joined byJoan Embery
from the San Diego Zoo.

This is the rare
South American talking cockatoo...

the last of its breed.

Oh. How you doing,
cute little birdie?

[Squawks] Polly want a cr*cker.
Polly want a cr*cker.

Polly wants what? You always wants
something. They always want something.

We haven't even slept together yet,
and you want something.

You don't even have a nice butt.
Get off my show!

[Bird Squawks]

One, two, three...

[Announcer]
Late Night With Mike...

brought to you by Prozack,
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Tonight we got the B-l-G D-A-D-D-Y K-A-N-E
singing "Ooh, Ahh."

Put your hands together
for Big Daddy Kane.

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

♪♪ [Rap]

♪♪ [Rap Continues]

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♪♪ [Rap Continues]

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♪♪ [Ends]